by TABITHA THOMPSON
Our friends and family often ask “Any word yet?” and my usual, uniform response is “Not yet, still playing the waiting game.” Having waded through the endless paper work, the information nights, the training sessions, the assessment and the subsequent approval to locally adopt or permanently care for a child, my husband and I had expectations.
These expectations have been slowly dwindling, shrinking to fit the mould of what our social worker had told us in the beginning, “Tthink of this process as a pregnancy”, our own ideas and the actual truth of how long we have been waiting. We constantly ask ourselves: “Are we asking too much? Are we putting our lives on hold for something that is just not going to happen? What can we do to help this situation?” and as difficult as it would be, “Should we find a new focus?”
Every time we each ponder these questions, it shapes us and our opinion of the process we’ve been through up until now. Each time we hear the news of yet another friend or family member being blessed with a baby we hear that little question we dare not say aloud – “Why can’t this be happening to us?” We are not incredibly jealous people, we’re normally much more grounded and content with our lives.
Tabitha
Then another bunch of feelings flutter around our minds such as, “Are we being greedy?” Having already naturally produced a confident and amazing daughter (aged 8), some have suggested that we should be content with what we have. Our answer is, and always has been, “Yes! We are incredibly happy with our beautiful daughter yet we know we have so much more to give.”
Watching childless couples go through this process has been absolutely the most difficult part. We’ve always felt a deep sense of guilt, trying to justify why we deserve a second child when they have not been successful having their first. It breaks our heart and in all honesty, if my body would physically bear a child for at least one of these couples, I would. Yet, our ‘unexplained infertility’ will not ever allow that.
As I write this, it has been two years since beginning this process, nine months since achieving approval for permanent care along with local adoption and five minutes since I began writing this piece. That’s two years of waiting, nine months of planning and five minutes of reminiscing. The longest human pregnancy ever!
These are the constant thoughts that live in our minds on a daily basis. They never leave for a day and they can’t be drowned out by other thoughts and feelings. It’s difficult to grasp that there is nothing we can do, our fate regarding having another child join our family is in the hands of someone else. So we continue the waiting game.
Tabitha is a 29 year old married mum of one. She studies primary teaching full-time and enjoys writing as a past time.
Have you or someone close to you adopted children? What was the process like?
Comments
35 Comments so far
Tabitha – I wish you luck, I hope your daughter gets to meet her sibling very soon
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Thank you to all who commented on my story.
I was very pleased with the response. The best news of all is that we have been very fortunate to find out after 8 years of trying to conceive, and of course 3 years of going through the adoption process, that I am pregnant and expecting a baby next March. What a surprise! As you all can imagine, we are super excited!
I think what I hoped to achieve from writing this article has been done. I wanted to shine a light on the issues surrounding adoption in Australia and how prospective parents feel during their sometimes long and tiresome wait. I also encourage others to speak out and share their own stories.
Sending many thanks to all who took the time to read my story and good luck to all who are striving to complete their families.
Tabitha
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The system needs a total revamp. We adopted a little boy (Australian) 7 months ago and I cannot put into words the joy it has brought to our lives. From start to finish – with all the sessions, training etc, it took 6.5 years for us to reach the end! Of course, there is the endless waiting…during which time no-one checks in on you and you really do feel your heart breaking as you give up.
We couldn’t have children and this was our last chance – but when you see all the children in the system who cannot be adopted out because they are deemed too old, or their parents (who are unfit) will not approve this – its horrific. I would rather children be put into adoptive families who will love them, regardless of age, than have them in a foster system that does not fully support the foster parents.
There are so many children “wasting away” in the system due to adequate resources and appropriate care. Something really needs to be done.
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Hi Tabitha
Just wanted to wish you all the best – I feel your pain! After waiting 8 years in the intercountry program for the privilege of being a mother to my magnificent daughter, your ‘any word yet’ comment rang loud and true! Now of course as I look at my happy, healthy just-turned 4 year old, it is worth every nano-second, but it is an agonising process.
I am sure like all prospective adoptive parents (these days) you are well researched and as prepared as possible to welcome a new child – so try not to doubt your decisions (it’s tricky sometimes I know).
Certainly don’t doubt your desire to mother another child – I’ve learnt over the years that ‘fairness’ doesn’t always apply in the system we have to go through and that each family’s decision is personal.
So, just wanted to wish you and your family the strength to continue and all life’s happiness in the future.
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Some relatives of ours have been on “the list” for an Ethiopian child or more than 7 years. They have just been told that the relationship with Ethiopia has broken down and the adoption program has been abandoned. Permanently, with no likelihood of it reopening. They will never get a child now. It is a heartbreaking situation and we are all shattered.
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While I have completed my intercountry adoption Anonymous, I have kept up to date with news. I heard about this and it made me feel physically sick.
I feel truly blessed to have ‘made it through the minefield’ and be a parent to a wonderful child, but I am not so far removed, that I can’t really feel for your family.
I am so so so sorry – this is so so so wrong.
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I would love to see some statistics about how many adopted children are unhappy with being adopted, whether from other cultures or not.
I belonged to a support group that interacted with the woman who had had children taken away from them, and I felt so sorry for them. But then I have also interacted with many people who have told me that they are adopted and thrilled with their adoptive parents.
I am sure there are many out there that have bad experiences, but I am sure there are just as many or more who have problems in “natural families” . As a past teacher I had many experiences with students who hated being in the foster system / but didn’t want to go back to their natural parents.
Surely a child has the right to be happy, to have a secure childhood. Being with the natural parent doesn’t always assure this.
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I’ve read numerous books on adoption being an adoptive parent, there are good stroies and bad, just as there is in biological families. There is certainly a loss the adoptee experiences, subconscious or conscious, with his/her separation from birth parents. It is all about how the adoptive parents acknowledge it as to how the child deals with this. There are a lot of considerations in adoptive parenting, it’s not “just about love”. I agree that being with biological parents is not always in the best interests of the child.
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I’m often bewildered at the anti adoption sentiment that is sometimes expressed. TMac, I’m sorry to read that your experience as an adoptee is not positive. I do know many many adult adoptees (local and intercountry) who are very positive about their adoption. As Amy Kate writes below, a loving family for a child in need is a far better outcome than a life in an orphanage or on the streets. I’ve heard people talk about adoption taking the child away from his/her culture – but what kind of culture can be found in an institution or in the slums of a developing country where they struggle to feed themselves each day? The children who are adopted have no other option – they are abandoned or relinqushed by birth parents, or orphaned. Their best hope for a happy healthy life is through adoption in their own country or internationally. Adoption in their own country is generally first priority but there are many countries in which they require international adoption for the children. I don’t know of any adoptive parents, including myself, who would ever want their child to feel indebted / grateful that they have been “rescued” – we are just families!
We have been 10 yrs in the adoption process (intercountry) and still waiting for our second child, still probably 2 years away. The process takes a long time in Australia and a long time in the overseas country. It does not have to be that way, the system is hugely flawed and needs a complete overhaul.
All the best to you Tabitha, don’t feel guilty about wanting to love and care for 2 children.
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Agree Jay! Also on taking a child away from their culture, I believe that culture is something that you learn and become aware of as you grow up with it. You are born into it, not with it. In my case, I’m from Korea and my parents tried to immerse my sister and me into as much Korean culture as they could to give us an understanding of our roots, but not growing up with it, my sister and I weren’t interested. I am Australian first and foremost. This is what I have experienced and what I know. I definitely don’t feel like I’m missing a piece of me or my culture.
Good luck Jay with your second adoption, and good luck Tabitha with your first.
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Dear TMac,
While I can understand the wisdom in your words and point of view, after living/working in healthcare for one of the many orphanages in SE Asia for 5 months, I can attest to the psychological impact on institutionalised and abandoned children (or worse, abused) is a far worse problem than children who have been raised and cared for an who feel somewhat different from these carers through race of circumstances.
I very deeply doubt that a mother of an adopted child expects them to be any more grateful than another mother who has made sacrifices for their birth child.
When I think about their sleeping little bodies, 5 to a bed after a meager dinner, I know absolutely that each one of them would not be so quick to reject the idea a loving home, albeit a different one, than where they are right now, as you do.
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I also have a friend who has worked in a Chinese orphanage, and her stories of abandoned, unloved babies just broke my heart. Of course all the checks need to be done, but when there are so many people who would make fabulous parents to these children, how can it be a bad thing to allow them to be adopted and get them out of the orphanages? I write this as an adopted child myself (in Australia) who has a loving adoptive family, and I feel lucky that I have the family that I have. Adoption in my case has been a great thing.
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Fabulously written! We too have been attempting adoption in Australia for the past two years. Good luck Tabitha!
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A brilliantly written article!
It has really opened up my eyes as to the length that some people take to fulfill not only their dreams, but that of another little person. Even though Tabitha and her husband have a daughter that they love, they are wanting to open their hearts and home to another little person who isn’t as fortunate…
Its stories like this that offers support to others in the same situation, to not give up hope, follow your dreams and if you have enough love and support for another share it around. Real life situations are often brushed under the carpet, but Tabitha has hit the nail on the head and I really hope it has opened up the eyes of others like it has for me….
(Sorry if this posted twice it didnt appear the first time…)
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It’s “pastime” not “past time”
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I have always wanted to adopt. Ive always wanted children, but have never felt the desire to have children through biological means. It makes me feel guilty. I’ve also heard its even harder for couples to adopt who don’t have fertility issues. Also, as an only child, I definately want more than one child. But then the stories of the long process causing your “adoption clock” to run out…
I’ve been told to just “foster locally.” and then adopt that child. People don’t realize that fostering rarely works out into the family situation imagined, and expressing a desire to adopt the fostered child will often result in the child being taken away. And I’d like to be able to call the shots with my Childs life without having to have every decision approved by the state.
My aunt adopted two girls, one from India and the second from china. The long process and expensive, also some of the experiences hey had picking the children up put them off of going for a third.
The process needs to change. They’re are too many children in need and families in desperate, loving want.
But I still feel guilty.
Thoughts/experiences?
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My dear friends have two children adopted from Thailand. Their first son took over 8 years, and it was another 8 very long years before they got their second son. What breaks my heart is that these boys weren’t babies, their first was almost 3 and their second was 4. They had been waiting over there all that time with no family when they could have been in a loving home with parents that adore them. The saddest thing is that they would love more children, but the process has taken so long, they are both now ‘too old’. They are the luckiest boys in the world.
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I feel great empathy for those who cannot have their own children. Yet as an adoptee I can honestly advise those who are considering adoption to read the literature, research and anecdotes of adopteees. Children who are adopted by parents who also have their own natural children particularly suffer. Stop supporting the adoption industry. People who adopt are not ‘generous’. Usually they are couples who desperately need a child to feel a sense of fulfillment in their lives. It’s a common assumption out there that adoptees should be grateful for being rescued from their natural circumstances. However, the reality is that the separation from one’s birth mother creates irreparable damage for the adopted child. Adoption is harmful to children. They are innocent victims in this industry. There’s a wealth of longitudinal studies out there that firmly support this. I implore those considering adoption, particularly inter racial adoption, to do your research.
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I understand your point about the impact on children of separation from their birth mother. But what of children for whom their is no one? Children who have been abandoned or whose parents have died? Children facing lives of abject poverty? Surely adoption is a good option in those circumstances. I 100% support the idea of doing your research and preparing for a heavy commitment. But if the need adoptive parents are trying to fulfil is that of having a child to love and nurture, is that always so wrong?
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I wholeheartedly disagree TMac. My sister and I are adopted and have suffered nothing from being removed from our birth mother. We have a perfect mother and father and, while we all look nothing alike, we couldn’t be more similar or close. I can’t even imagine what my life would be like if I wasn’t adopted. I was born to a young mother out of wedlock so no doubt I would have been the shame of a poor family. Instead, I have a loving family, a sister who means the world to me, an education and endless opportunities in a beautiful country.
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My aunty and her husband had to wait 6 years until they received their beautiful son from China.
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I think this is an amazing story and commend you and your family on your generosity. My sister and I are both adopted, her from Sri Lanka and myself from Korea. My parents began proceedings for her adoption within a year of bringing me home from Seoul and it took a further five years for my sister to join our family. I understand that thorough background checks need to be carried out, but its terrible to think my parents almost missed out on providing a better life for my sister simply because of the length of time the proceedings took which meant my dad was almost deemed too old to adopt. We’re both so grateful that our parents went through the process and we’re going back to Sri Lanka next month to spend time in her orphanage.
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Our beautiful 2yo little boy came into our lives 4months ago when we went to Korea to collect him. The process took nearly 5 years. We feel incredibly blessed to have him in our lives. He is destined to be a spoilt only child because the length of the process means we’ll be too old to adopt again
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My friend is adopted, as are her older siblings. She’s 22, her siblings are in their late 20s/30s. From what she told me her mother didn’t wait as long as people do today to adopt, as this was in the 80s, she waited maybe 2 years to adopt from China. She managed to quite easily adopt my friend, as she’d been a foster mother for a long time and got asked if she was interested in this baby (my friend). I think it’s ridiculous how hard and long it is to adopt in Australia, even from overseas! So many children need homes!
I was in south africa earlier this year and went to an orphanage. I came out sobbing, as I wanted to take all the children home with me!
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I understand the importance of doing thorough checks (particularly to make sure the babies being adopted out having been just ‘taken’ from their mothers) but still … two years? Too long. I have friends who waited five years.
Five years. That’s madness when so many little children are in need of loving homes.
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Wow, five years? That’s terrible. I want to adopt a child when I’m older and I thought I knew it wouldn’t be an easy process, but I didn’t know it would take THAT long! Especially when there are so many kids out there that need homes and caring parents.
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There is NOTHING ‘greedy’ about helping a child and giving them a wonderful new life. I think adoption is a brilliant thing, and it’s just a shame that it seems ridiculously difficult.
Best of luck to you both, and to anyone else going through it
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Gosh its terrible isn’t it, when there are so many babies that need a loving home in Australia & all over the world! I can’t understand why it takes so long. My heart aches for all involved.
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6 days ago I received a text message from a friend who has just been confirmed a child from oseas for adoption. They travel over to bring him home in about 8 weeks. Their process has taken 5+ years I believe. They are going to make the best parents and I wish them all the best for officially becoming a mum and dad
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My story mirrors yours in many ways, Tabitha. We have a biological daughter and commenced the adoption process when she was 4. It took us a bit over 3 years until our son joined our family and our journey was quick in comparison to others in the same ‘group’ as us (we all did the multiple compulsory education courses together).
We, too, felt the guilt that we were lucky enough to be parents already and weren’t we being just a bit greedy? It was something we discussed a lot.
As we were told from the outset of our application, there is no guarantee of a child ever being placed with you. That said, I hope you receive your phone call soon that announces the end of your ‘pregnancy’. Be prepared to feel overjoyed, overwhelmed, apprehensive…and just a little like throwing up
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I spoke to a couple last weekend who, now, have surrogate twins from India. They have been on the adoption list for EIGHT YEARS. There is something definitely wrong with this.
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Its not that something is wrong with the process for adopting locally – its more that there are so very few australian kids put up for adoption. I seem to remember reading that it is about 20 a year in NSW, and that of these most kids are adopted by extended family.
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So true, it is an unfairly long time to adopt from overseas however when you think about what it takes for an Australian child to be in need of adoption; death of parents, no extended family, inadequate parenting or rejection?
When you remember that most local adopted babies of the past came from forced removal from single mothers it is not a bad thing that not many Australian children are up for adoption.
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I agree Megan however more often than not it takes months for home visits to be organised and paperwork to even arrive to prospective adoptive parents. Social workers also dont contact those awaiting placement for years, even just to check in. The whole system needs a revamp.
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My brother had leukemia as a child, the treatment left him unable to have a child, over 5 1/2 years ago him and his wife began the tedious process of overseas adoption, 6 months ago they receives the call they had been allocated a child, this amazing 2yr old has been in our lives for 4 months the wait was worth ever minute. How my sister inlaw got by was by joining adoption groups online and socially. This helped her know around about what year allocations in their chosen country was upto, and who was waiting and when their paperwork went in. It has also helped now they are home, people to help with what to expect and what he is going through, info only an adoptive parent could help with.
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