Katie with Baxter
This is an important community announcement for anyone who may come into contact with a new mother. There will be many questions you enthusiastically want answered, but please be aware, some are a tad irritating and should be given a wide berth.
To prevent future mothers from enduring these tedious queries, let’s get the word out there. The following questions are about as welcome as a cold sore:
1. “So what do you actually do all day?” (Asked by childless humans). This question is always accompanied by a confused screwed up face. The kind of expression you would enjoy removing with the back of your hand. It naively flies out the mouths of pesty people who assume your day is spent sipping tea and getting your nails shellacked.
If I’m being totally honest I’ll admit, some days can be pretty cruisy. I might sit on my derrière and watch a few episodes of The Housewives of Beverly Hills. I may cram in a nap, and I’m partial to a little Facebook stalking. But let’s not forget that I manage all of this WHILE KEEPING MY BABY ALIVE!
Explaining what you do all day as a stay at home mum is almost impossible. If you actually listed off every feed, soiled nappy change, and load of washing you did, you would bore the bejesus out of the questioner (and possibly send yourself into a slight depression).
The worst thing about this question is the insinuation that spending your days raising tomorrow’s future generation is somehow not enough of a contribution to society. Yes I know, very dramatic but I think you get my point. This question sucks!
2. “So do you want me to babysit?” (Asked by the baby’s father.) “Ummm, nah, how’s about you just parent your child?” I won’t throw my boyfriend under the bus here. Fortunately he knows when our son is in his care he isn’t pocketing $17 an hour. However, there are some fathers who think looking after their own child, by themselves, is somehow doing their partner a ‘favour’. I’d like to make it clear that babysitters usually come in the form of 18-year-old girls who need the extra cash to buy Passionfruit UDL’s on the weekend. Fathers do not classify as babysitters, just men raising their own offspring. I hope we have cleared this one up.
3. “Are you getting much sleep?” (Asked by morons everyone)
It could possibly be the excess hormones wildly rushing through my body that make this question so unpalatable. Although I’m sure you’d agree, this is the most ludicrous thing to ask a new mum.
Sleep deprivation starts off during pregnancy, when you suddenly need to spend more time on the toilet having a tinkle than in your own bed.* It then gets dramatically worse when the baby arrives. You find yourself shoving your boob, or a bottle, in a tiny mouth approximately 153 times a night.
I’m told tiredness eases up a smidge when your kid hits their teen years. Although many Saturday nights are spent lying in bed wide awake with worry. Your young adult is oblivious to this while out gallivanting around town, pashing anything with a heartbeat.
That beautiful, indulgent, uninterrupted sleep apparently doesn’t return until the nest is empty. For some reason by this age it seems like a wise idea to get up at 5.30am just to “get a full days gardening in”.
So basically that beautiful, nurturing, loving friend called ‘sleep’ turns into a back stabbing moll.
4. “You look amazing for having just had a baby.” (Technically this isn’t a question, but an infuriating comment all the same)
I haven’t studied at the Ponds Institute, but I’m pretty sure growing a human being inside your body, and then enduring 10 hours of labour, is not the perfect beauty regime. I know this because I resembled a bloated puffer fish after having my baby.
If people feel it necessary to comment on the state of a new mothers appearance why not just say just “you look amazing”. Full stop. Don’t add “…for just having had a baby”. It turns what could have been a lovely compliment into a reminder that you have wet patches where your nipples are, fish n chips could be fried in your oily hair, and you have bags under your eyes that put John English to shame.
I hope this announcement has been received loud and clear. If you have the need to ask a new mum a question make it “can I get you a cup of tea?” or perhaps, “would you like me to rub your swollen feet?” Otherwise it might be best to just zip it.
*My record was NINE times in one night. Too much information???
Ed’s note: This post was clearly written in jest. The author and moderator are reading comments and we will be deleting any that breach the comment rules – as well as all replies to those comments. Be nice people. And take a breath.
Katie “Monty” Dimond is a broadcaster and media personality. She has appeared on Channel Ten, Channel Nine, and Nova FM. She is currently busy being a full time Mum and loving it! You can follow her on Twitter here
Have you been asked any questions that drove you mad? Asked any questions that you immediately regretted?
Comments
604 Comments so far
And there’s just one question to NOT ask a woman who is not pregnant nor has any babies.
“So…..when are you having a baby?”
People who choose not be be mothers, or are unable to be mothers for whatever reason are CONSTANTLY asked this question too! Obviously I’ll be lampooned for suggesting that this is equally as annoying as the questions listed above, but I can’t help but feel that everyone’s personal feeling are relevant to their own experiences, so people who are not mothers find this irritating. I have a particular friend who moans constantly about her a) tiredness b) husband c) messy house d) inability to lose the weight she gained through eating shoddily throughout her pregnancy (yes…she did, I saw it) and she always asks me “When are you having one?”……sometimes I feel like saying “When you make it seem like a good idea.” But that would be a bit rude.
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Very very true. You should never assume every woman can or wants to have a baby.
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Not as bad as Mish’s example, but my partner and I had issues around whether or not to have children (I wanted to, he didn’t). I remember numerous occasions of couples who had kids teasing us about it, saying to me (in front of him), “when are you doing it? You should just do it!”, “not long now” etc. So smug and all-knowing. What was I supposed to do? Say, “No, we’re not doing it and mind your own damn business!”? Grow some sensitivity, people.
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Guilty. When my daughter was a few months old and I was overwhelmed with baby love, I met a lovely couple at a friend’s BBQ. They had been married for a few years, in their 30′s, and were besotted with the children, so I said “You guys are great with kids! Are you thinking about having babies?” I got a very polite reply that they would when the time was right. I later found out she’d had 9 miscarriages.
I will NEVER ask that question again. Especially as I’ve recently had a miscarriage myself. I know people mean well when they say “Well lucky you have one amazing daughter!” or “Sometimes things aren’t meant to be” etc. It does hurt though.
BTW happy ending to a sad story… after I think it was 11 or 12 miscarriages, that lovely couple just welcomed a little baby boy into the world. I still feel bad about saying what I did though.
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I did that (asked if they had children) and later discovered their son had died of leukemia. I. felt. awful. But, seriously, you can’t know.
Currently I’m 12 weeks pregnant with my second, so we’re telling people. I can’t count the number of comments to my husband about who the father is, or other crass speculation about our personal life and how I came to be in this state. People seem to think that babies – and all that they imply – are public property and acceptable conversation points. You know what? THEY’RE NOT!
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Some of the comments I got were:
- so were you trying?
- I didn’t know you wanted kids!
- was it natural?
After three miscarriages since I gave birth to a healthy boy almost four years ago, I also get very tired of the whole “so are you having more?” which started days after we had had our boy.
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I am not having a baby because I am repulsive and men don’t like me *bat eyelids at interrogator and breathe deeply to keep from murdering them*
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I also do not recommend telling one’s mother that one is not planning to have children any time soon when one is actually alread about eight weeks pregnant. Ten years down the track and that STILL gets brought up!
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“You look amazing for having just had a baby.”
Sorry Katie I can’t agree with you on this one. I have always LOVED it when I have received this compliment. I don’t find it at all offensive.
Pregnancy/birth/motherhood is a tough gig and it shows that other people respect that and are amazed at how well you are looking despite it all
I actually received that compliment 20 minutes after my eldest child was born, while I was still in the labour suite!
PS I LOVED this article Katie
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Some new mothers do look amazing, I don’t know if it’s because of the surge of hormones or what it is. Some women just glow and look radiant…their hair…their skin, whilst the rest of us new mothers look like something the cat dragged in.
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Totally agree Anonymous! I look back at photos of me with my firstborn and I am simply glowing! My skin and hair look amazing and I have a permanent smile on my face in every one.
Sadly my gorgeous boy, who is 7 months old, did not contribute anything positive to my looks! During his pregnancy and ever since I have looked about 10 years older
Oh well, what can you do? He is worth it.
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When you see a mum not slopping around in trackies or leggings then you certainly should compliment her to encourage her to wear proper clothes.
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As a person without child, thank you Monty! A lot of my friends are having babies and to be honest I feel a little flustered about what I should/shouldn’t be saying. The last thing I want to do is upset them, but sometimes I feel a little lost about the whole thing. So this goes some way in helping…was also good for a giggle x
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Tip – if you come bearing gifts of food (lasagna, spag bol, soup… Even a loaf of bread and some cold meat or salad!) we will not care what questions you ask. Fire away!
I think it’s also best to remember that new mums have a whole bunch of crazy hormones flying around and yes, your comments probably aren’t really that offensive.
It’s the ones that come with a tone of disapproval or are mean spirited or judgmental that really hurt.
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Or new mums could.. get over it a bit? You had a new baby – pray tell us exactly what we are allowed to say?
You can’t – because everybody wants to hear different things, and everybody will find something to be offended about in even the most innocuous statement.
“What do you do all day?” – perhaps they are genuinely wondering. Don’t assume that every single person in the universe knows what is entailed in having a baby or looking after it, and get upset when people ask – otherwise you are the jerk.
“Do you want me to babysit” – yes, a jerk thing to say, but you procreated with this guy. If you didn’t bring him up to speed with the idea that parenting is a shared responsibility and you cannot babysit your own kids.. why did you proceed?
“Are you getting much sleep?” – an invitation for you to tell us something that is actually happening to you! Because, you know, it would be insensitive to talk about all the things that you would normally be doing (like running, clubbing, reading lots of books, etc) if you hadn’t just had a baby..
“You look great for someone who’s just had a baby” – oh get over it. Really, just get over it. It’s a compliment, and believe it or not, the majority of people give compliments with the best of intentions. You might have just run a marathon but look a million dollars because of how happy you feel.. or you might have just had a baby (which is a pretty big job!) and your joy will be pouring out through your pores – if someone says you look great, just accept it and say thank you!
Save your snark for the people who do actually intend harm with their comments, rather than figure out how to best rip apart any tiny comment. This post is just a slap in the face to anybody who was ever faced with the minefield of trying to make polite conversation with someone so hyper-sensitive that there is no right answer, ever.
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Did you miss the part where it said this post was written in jest? Lighten up already.
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I see where you’re coming from, but I think a lot of Mums get the same questions day in and out, and this article was just meant to be light hearted. I try to see what the person behind the question really means- its usually from people who don’t have kids and are genuinely trying to fit into, and be interested in, your new life as a parent. And I’m grateful for those people even if sometimes they say the wrong thing. They don’t mean to.
I reserve my rage for people like the “friend” who sent me an email with something like “If you get your baby immunised, you should be thrown in jail and they should throw away the key.” Now THAT is offensive!
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But the same could be said for any ‘life event’ or milestone that creates conversation, that other people feel they have to take an interest in –
You’re in Year 12:
What are you doing next year?
I think you should be an artist, you were always so good at finger painting!
Are you taking a gap year?
Do you really think you’re smart enough to do medicine?
If you are sleeping, they you’re not studying hard enough!
Drama? Literature? It’s not like you’re studying Chemistry, or anything.. you know, hard.
You get a new boyfriend:
So, is this the one?
How many dates have you been on?
How much money does he make?
Do you think he’s good enough for you?
Can he look after you?
Watch out.. he’ll cheat on you.
You get engaged:
When’s the wedding? Where’s the wedding?
I’ll keep an eye on the mailbox for my invitation! (when they aren’t getting one)
Oh.. your ring, it’s so.. cute!
Well, I would never choose anything like that, but it’s totally you!
I’d love to sing a song at your wedding! (groan)
You buy a house:
Oh no! Not in *that* suburb!
I think you overpaid, the market isn’t really great right now.
You should have built a house.
Can you really live somewhere where someone might have died?
Buying a house is a huge financial mistake.
You have a baby:
…..
Yes, a lot of these things are myopic or misguided, or are comments that are better left unsaid. But people have to say something. You are doing something that is big and important in your life, and people are obliged to take an interest – otherwise you’d get pissed that they didn’t! Asking questions that they legitimately don’t know the answer to (like what you do all day) is not something to get angry at, and if you do, you’re being ridiculous. That’s like an aircraft designer treating you like a moron for not understanding the intricacies of their job! And compliments – stop looking for a way to get upset about them, and just accept them with grace.
Even if it is in jest, the attitudes expressed are pretty gross. Especially all these tragic women carrying on about how people say “can I help?”, they decline and then get angry about them not helping – get over yourselves. Having a baby is a big life event, but like any other life event, you will have to field weird comments and curly questions. It’s not necessary to find something to get upset over in every single question. People should save their outrage and indignation for when they are actually being attacked or insulted, rather than freaking out because someone said they look great, geez.
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I’m slightly confused… I was saying that I understood your point of view, but that Mums get the same few questions all the time and that it was a piece in jest. I also said that I understood the questions and was grateful for the people who asked them.
I never said I was angry or offended by any of the comments. Merely that I understand that people will ask these questions because they are trying to be a part of my life.
And I didn’t find anything to get upset about, nor claim I was being attacked or insulted (except for the comment I should be thrown in jail for immunising my child). And if someone said I looked great I’d be flattered. Perhaps re-read my post and maybe you will see that I’m trying to see it from both sides.
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Also, this topic is not about the end of year 12, getting a boyfriend, getting engaged, or buying a house. So the responses here are specific to the post. Which doesn’t mean the questions people in those situations get are not worthy of discussion. But this post is about new parents, so that’s why people are talking about it.
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Sounds to me like you have never encountered someone with post natal depression
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This isn’t an article about post-natal depression. It’s just about people being overly sensitive and precious. There is a big difference between being at the mercy of a chemical imbalance that you can’t control and just deciding that having a baby gives you the right to be a total drama queen.
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I think all us all very opinionated mums on here should realise we will most likley be MIL one day!!
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I thought this article was very funny, light-hearted and SO true!! I’m really shocked at how offended some people are getting…
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You know we c hildless humans are mostly only asking to be polite so I’ll just go back to not pretending to be interested in you or your child if youre going to be do so precious about it
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I find “how’s the sleep going?” easier. It’s an open ended question and mums can answer it with whatever they want, usually the floodgates open.
As others have mentioned even the most innocuous comments/questions can cause offense, so while these questions might offend some, they won’t offend others. I think showing some interest in others is the most important thing anyway.
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Without wanting to put words or intentions into Katie/Monty’s mouth, can I just paraphrase and explain that these are the questions you get asked CONSTANTLY when you’re a new mum.
So the frustration you feel is not actually at the person asking the question but at the question. And hell, when you’re sleep deprived EVERYTHING is frustrating including the way the person on telly reading the news is BLINKING. WHY IS HIS BLINKING SO ANNOYING?
So. It’s not a personal attack on question askers or non parents or anyone else…..just a light-hearted vent about some of the things you feel as a new mum.
OKAAAAAY?
x
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Good one Mia. That sums it up. I get it now.
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Phew!
Big sigh of relief that you have posted that Mia.
I hope everyone comes back to read it and is able to re-asses the (very funny) article from Kate!
I totally agree with what you say. It’s the same thing when you are pregnant. The EXACT same questions over and over again for 6 months. I wanted to put a sign on my belly:
Due date 1st of Feb
No, I don’t know whether it’s a boy or girl
I’m having the baby at Frances Perry House in Carlton
My obstetrician is Mrs Smith, I would recommend her to anyone
No, I haven’t packed my hospital bag yet
Yes, I’m getting tired and vomited A LOT
I’ll make my mind up about and epidural when I get to that stage
No, we haven’t decided on names!’
But you know what? We are (mostly) all inquisitive humans and I now find myself asking the same questions to expectant mothers sometimes, all the while thinking ‘you idiot, she doesn’t want to answer those stupid questions AGAIN!’
But we ask, cause we are genuinely interested and care….
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Cordeline, I often suggest to new parents that they send out the birth announcement via text with ALL the information (name,time, date,weight,length,head circ,apgars etc..) so they can avoid having the same conversation over and over again.
One mum rang immediate family and then sent out 93 texts.
If friends come back with questions, combine and answer to all. Usually by this time it’s Facebook updates.
I have found that people usually respond via text, so you can answer it when you have time (often the 3am feed!).
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Yup, I concur. Being a new parent is full of sleep deprivation & crazy hormones…..EVERYTHING is annoying……and it’s like all of your senses are on high alert……so when you get asked (for the bazillionth time) how much sleep your getting it’s REALLY hard not to bite that (well meaning) person’s head of and shout “I’ve got a new baby DAMMIT what do you reckon”. Thats when mum’s and dad’s start perfecting the “smile and nod” technique……loved the article…..rather funny indeed!
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I’m grateful that Mia was able to explain the intent of the author. I don’t want to sound sarcastic, but it clears a lot up for us morons. It might help in future if the author cleared that up with us from the get-go?
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I thought it was pretty clear when I read it, right from the get-go
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Was I the only one that read the Editor’s note about it being in jest?
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That’s how I read it – with a smile!!
I’m surprised at the offence and venom.
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What not to say to someone without kids:
“Do you mind if I bring [insert toddler name here] along to the restaurant?”
Why yes. Yes I do.
I love [toddler's name] but sometimes I just want to see my friend. As adults. Is there a nice way of saying this? Anyone?
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I totally understand where you’re coming from here. I have kids myself but I really don’t like it when my friends try to bring their kids to ‘adult’ time like when we’ve organised a girls dinner.
It completely changes the tone and vibe.
Sometimes mothers want to just not be in mother mode for a couple of hours.
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Sorry not trying to attack you but I feel that is unfair. Sometimes I would love to see my friends on my own, as an adult but the reality of having a child is that it isn’t always possible. It would be nice to have a reliable, trustworthy person on hand 24/7 to look after our kids when we do want a break and to catch up with a friend socially but for most of us that is not the reality!
I feel I am not as close with a few of my childless friends because me having a baby doesn’t fit into their social life, which is understandable in some ways, but still makes me sad.
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I’m a single Mum so have limited time to go out. I usually invite friends around to my place after my daughter is asleep, we have a few drinks and a chat, honestly its often better than going out. And cheaper! And when a social event comes up, I usually decline and say that I have my daughter that night and that I’d love to catch up during the day. If they really want me to be there they will invite her too. Or I split a babysitter with another friend with kids attending that night
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I reckon that’s totally fair. As much as l love my kids I completely understand that there are kids outings and there are adult outings.
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I don’t think you quite understand that the child needs to be care for while they are not with a parent.
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Well you raise a pretty stupid question here and I will answer if for you. The person that you are asking out with you is probably the primary carer so they would have to organise a babysitter for an outing that will take a couple of hours. I suppose you will not pay for the babysitter so they are left with take toddler out or not.
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Totally see your point here!
I have two pre-school children and believe me, there is nothing I love more than getting out and having some child-free time with my friends! It’s nice to just be able to sit, relax and focus on my friends without having to have eyes in the back of my head, chase them around the cafe, and listen to ‘mmmmuuuuuuummmm’ 14 times a minute. Mums like being adults too. Trust me. We do!
BUT – it’s not always possible to have that ‘me’ time. My personal situation is that I live in a small town and do not have any family close by. This means that I don’t have someone to watch my children for me at a whim. Hubby is a shift worker so he’s not always home in the evenings to watch the little ones so I can get out of the house. If something is planned in advance enough – then sure I can organise a baby sitter and if it’s during the day I can organise child care – but again – these ‘luxuries’ don’t come cheap. I have friends who will call me on a Friday night at 8pm and ask me to meet them for drinks and then get miffed at me because I have to decline. Would I love to get dressed up and go out for a few drinks? GOSH YES! I have also had friends fall by the wayside which saddens me no end.
I agree with you completely – adult time is SO important! I guess if you want to try and let your friend know politely that you would like to see her without children you could say, “I was thinking about having a girl’s night out, we can have some dinner and drinks and let our hair down and relax – do you think (insert hubby or appropriate person’s name here) would watch the kids for a few hours?” That way your friend will know that you were thinking about catching up and leaving the little ones at home.
It’s a tough one I know… but PLEASE know that Mums really do like their adult time too! Keep working at it, your friend will thank you!
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I don’t know why people expect childless people should know exactly what to say to a new mum? They have no idea what it feels like, I don’t blame them for that…if they are taking the time to visit and ask then isn’t that good? As long as people are not saying something ‘crazy stupid rude’ then I don’t see the problem (definitely with the ‘questions’ above….my obese sister in law was at the hospital the same night that I gave birth bringing my older son & said ‘oh my God you’re stomach is still so big’ after I gave birth to a 10lb 10oz son) so I really can’t understand the problems with the questions you posted…maybe some perspective is in order?! I don’t know why people say such very rude things to pregnant/post birth women but it’s inappropriate and it sounds like you got the least painful of those things
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What not to ask a pregnant woman:
“Do you know what you’re having?”
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Or “Are you sure it’s not twins? hahahaahaha”
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“Hopefully a puppy” is my response.
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“Yep – a baby”.
I kept repeating it over and over until people got the message.
(Mind you – I was snarky with hormones and chronic pain from SPD so I was probably a bit meaner about it than I should have been)
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Another one “So when are you going back to work?”
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Yes!!! 3 weeks after my second baby people asked me…it’s always ‘are you back at “work” yet??’. No &*()&*)&, I’;m still breastfeeding unpredictably and juggling a 2 year old and getting no sleep due to said 2 year old and now my 6 month old has totally ended her SPECTACULAR sleeping record after recently being ill. Oh…I’m working buddy. I’m just not being paid.
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We could do a series of these posts!
4 Questions Never To Ask A Single Woman
4 Questions Never To Ask A Pregnant Woman
4 Questions Never To Ask A Bride (because the answers will be so boring and long-winded you’ll regret it!)
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4 questions never to ask a newlywed (“Does it feel different?”)
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1 question never to ask a mother of twins (girl & boy):
“are they identical?”
I BEG YOU.
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Ha ha – my mum used to get this all the time with my brother and sister!! Good for a giggle!
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I have another question:
“So, when are you having another one?”
I got that the first time before I’d even left hospital with my first.
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Yes! I have 3 kids and I reckon it’s the most common question I’m asked. “Are you done yet?”
It starts when you take the first one home and it NEVER STOPS.
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YES Cho-Cho this is the worst question! Why do people ask this when you’ve just had a baby?!
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How CUTE is that Baxter!
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I think I just ovulated and I don’t even like babies!
lol
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Laughed and nodded my head all the way through this.
My baby is 6 months old and I’m still getting all those questions.
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Someone in our family – who shall remain NAMELESS – when we announced the name of our daughter said “So, is her name up for discussion?”
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Ha ha. My MIL didn’t even ask if it was up for discussion – she just took the name announcement as if it was a request for approval and straight away screwed up her face, shook her head and said “ooh no, I don’t think so”.
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Now, THAT takes my breath away! Hope you stood firm.
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Ha ha! my mum pretended my nephew’s name was ‘temporary’ and that they hadn’t fully decided….She likes none of our choices…not ‘saints’ names.
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I just looked at this post for the first time and read a few comments. But I can’t go on, because so many people are so irate about this article! Seriously, it made me feel anxious reading most of the comments.
It is supposed to be a lighthearted piece isn’t it? Why do so many people have their knickers in a knot?
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I had my second baby 3 weeks ago. 45 minutes after the birth I called my father to tell him he had a second grandson. His first question – “no regrets that it’s a boy?” Not the most up lifting comment immediately after labour. Also what’s to regret about a healthy baby boy. Way to bring down the mood Dad.
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So many people asked us if we were going to ‘try for a boy’ after our second daughter was born. I always knew that the person doing the asking was fortunate enough to have never lost a baby, so didn’t understand how the sex of our second born was completely irrelevant.
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What did he expect you do? Ask the doctor if they had any girls in stock you could exchange him for?
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OMFG – does noone have a sense of humor anymore! I can’t believe the comments here and I only got through hallf! Get over yourself you petty women – not everything in life is meant to be taken seriously and if you think it is – WTF is your life about!
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Most of the comments I think are positive and get it. Some peole are having a bad day. Happens.
I also loved it. Love the way Katie/Monty writes. She’s funny!
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My bug is people who say having a puppy is just like having a baby. Um, no. It’s a DOG people. Not a small human. Having to get up to put the puppy out for a wee at 5.30am is NOTHING like having a baby who may wake up 6 times in the night for an hour or more at a time. Please, please never compare your dog to my child.
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Fair, but I’d say having a puppy is pretty good practice. For the first 12 months we had our puppy I got up EVERY 2 HOURS … EVERY SINGLE NIGHT … until he was properly toilet training. Not as hard as getting up to a baby but I’d say it was damn good practice.
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Exactly.
If you are trying to toilet train a puppy PROPERLY, you do have to get up every two hours. I also had a tiny breed and had to feed her tiny amounts every few hours to avoid hypoglycemia. And in between those times, she wasn’t sleeping – she was bouncing around the house like a maniac wanting to play. Newborns (luckily) can’t walk either and they don’t have sharp teeth.. but they do sleep a lot, which puppies don’t. It *is* like looking after a baby in some ways, and in other ways, not at all. But it is hard work, and it’s pathetic to make a competition out of it.
I really wish people would get over the comparison being “so wrong” or whatever.. there are lots of things that are LIKE having a baby, but none of them ARE having a baby.. but it reeks of insecurity when people are so angry about it and have to put them in a hierarchy. Having a baby and raising a puppy are both challenging things, so is running a marathon or writing a novel. It’s just petty and ridiculous to need to act like one is ‘harder’ than the others – it’s not, they’re all just different.
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I must really be missing something here, but with our dogs (we’ve had 3 in the last 15 years), we’ve never had to get up every 2 hours for months on end when they’re young. What is going on with them that you need to do that?
We just shut them in the laundry with lots of newspaper for the first couple of months at night and then transitioned them to sleeping outside.
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We choose to have an indoor dog. I respect your decision to have your dogs sleep outside, but it’s not something that suits us or that we want. This meant having to have rock solid toilet training. Our dog for whatever reason had poor bladder control as a puppy – I’m sure all dogs are different – so it took us 12 months to really get it together. We tried puppy pee-pads and newspaper but it wasn’t for us and after using them we found he’d regressed – so I wouldn’t personally do it again. Then, one night – it just ‘clicked’ for him and we’ve not had trouble since. I guess people have different experiences with animals (and children), there’s different levels of what people expect from their animals (and children) and some people have it harder than others with their animals (and children).
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HA. Yes! I remember watching ‘A Baby Story’ and this couple had two dogs and said (pre-birth) something along the lines of ‘We have two dogs, raised them since they were puppies, it’s like having a kid pretty much so we’re very prepared.’ Mum and I snorted with laughter…sure enough, the baby came, and they took it allll back! The poor husband looked into the camera with this panic in his eyes and was like ‘it’s nothing like having a dog at all’.
Look I’m 10 years off kids, but dogs are nowhere in the league of a baby. We’ve had two dogs from puppies, and two cats, and yeah it’s hard, and annoying getting up, but you’re not breastfeeding the puppy or wiping projectile baby poo off the walls…
I’m with you 100% Relish.
I’m sorry but it’s true
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Thanks Georgiepie! I can see their point that puppies take a lot of work and I’m not trying to make it a “oh my life is so much harder contest” but my children are not dogs. I have a friend (who is pregnant) and she constantly compares my three children to her two dogs. It frustrates me because they are not dogs. I can’t lock them outside with a bowl of water for ten hours when I go to work, I can’t just go out tonight for dinner with a friend, they don’t sleep, even at 6 and 4 the oldest two still have me up a couple times a night. And when we are there she is hyper offended when I don’t let the dogs lick and jump all over the kids – after all, they are still animals and who knows how they might respond if the kids accidentally hurt them. Anyway, when she and her hubs have the baby, I will try nod comfortingly and do my very best not to ask if she still thinks its the same as a dog :0
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You know, I’m going to be the clueless childfree jerk here and just say it. I find babies, talking about babies, visiting babies etc really, really, really dull. I don’t hate them or anything and I know they will probably grow into interesting people before too long…but yeah. I haven’t the faintest clue what to say to a new parent because what they’re doing isn’t interesting to me and I don’t relate to it at all, in the same way as if I was talking to a football fan. I make conversation and feign interest out of politeness but yeah, odds are I will say the wrong thing because it’s not a world I “get” or am keen to. And I get that you’re exhausted and overwhelmed by hormones but, hey, so are most of us at any given time. You don’t need to have just had a kid for that.
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I was enjoying reading your fresh and honest perspective about the boringness of talking about babies etc until you got to the bit “And I get that you’re exhausted and overwhelmed by hormones but, hey, so are most of us at any given time etc” and then the words “clueless childfree jerk” came to mind….your words not mine
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I believe I wrote “you’re”, actually. And can you elaborate? Other people are exhausted, hormonal and under stress. What is it that you object to?
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Diana The Huntress: I applaud you.
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What part of “clueless” would you like me to elaborate on?
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You win. Your life is 10000x harder than mine, your mood swings more extreme, your hormones more controlling and your life in general way more important because you’ve bred and I have not. There, I fixed it for you. Good evening to you. *genuflects, curtseys*
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I know that when I had my son I was in a head space that I had never experienced before. The overwhelming anxiety etc. I look back and don’t think I was anymore important that anyone else, just going through an experience unlike any I had had before! I think my friend’s, both breeders and non breeders, were very supportive and I thank them for that!
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Settle down. There you go with YOUR words again. No-one has said any of those things but you!
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“Settle down”- I assure you I am calm. It’s impossible to convey tone in this format. Anyhow, you suggested I was clueless, presumably because I implied that hormones, stress etc were experienced by people who didn’t have kids and that parents don’t deserve special treatment simply because of this. Compassion on a human level, yes, but not special treatment. You took exception, so I amended it for you.
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FYI you called you clueless
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Please don’t think I’m attacking either one of you, I’m not. We’re all entitled to our say here.
Diana, women who have just given birth have just experienced a hormone crash in the magnitude of 1000s, so no one other than a new mother is ever that hormonal. Not forgetting that she is probably (if she’s breastfeeding) quite low on her usual female hormones and has high levels of oxytocin and prolactin.
Michelle, I know it’s a popular term, but I really dislike breeders or non breeders. I don’t know why.
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Trust me, until you have had a baby, your idea of exhaustion is a joke. I thought I was prepared as a junior medico, working horrendous hours and shiftwork in our public hospitals, but noooo. THAT was a joke. You can burn the candle at both ends, party constantly, work long hours or shiftwork blah blah. That kind of exhausted is just NOT compared to caring for a newborn.
Until you have lived without getting more than 2-3 consecutive hours of sleep for months on end, you simply cannot imagine how that feels. You actually wonder how you haven’t died from lack of sleep. And unfortunately, you will never understand the truth of this statement unless you have your own.
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You’re (both of you) a bright ray of sunshine aren’t you.
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That it would be more appropriate to just keep it real – comments like this “your idea of exhaustion is joke” unless you’ve had a baby only add to the idea that new mothers somehow think they’re just a bit more hard done by than everyone else.
How about something like “your idea of exhaustion is relative to your own experiences in life” – ??
I’m not a mother and don’t want to be…….so I’ll never experience this horrendous exhaustion, but to constantly hear about it makes me sad – all we seem to hear about from the Mums is how awful their experience is. (tired, can’t do what they want, have awful partners who don’t help them, feel like crap, it goes on and on) I ONCE read a piece on here about the rewards of motherhood and I was so thrilled that someone actually spelled out why they enjoyed it so much. I wish there were more Mums out there like that instead of the ones who just complain about their choice.
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Hey, that’s a really interesting comment. I think as a mum you walk a fine line. If you gush you can be accused of making it sound too easy!
So we find humour and support in being honest about the harder bits.
It’s a shame if that’s perceived as whinging or complaining. It’s more like venting and trying to have a laugh – usually at ourselves!
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I love to tell everyone how great it is but to be honest no-one wants to hear that side or they think I’m hiding the truth.
I admit that I’m lucky. It took a long time to get my babies (3 under 5yrs) but the pregnancy, childbirth, & the early years have all been easy & enjoyable (yes even birth…loved the gas). Yes there are crazy chaotic days & my house isn’t as tidy as it was pre kids but I love it. Only negative is being put down for being a ‘breeder’ & that with some fading friendships I feel I can’t talk about my kids because they aren’t ‘kid people’.
I think overall motherhood has had a bad rap with women just being classed as a ‘mum’ & they feel the less fun stuff makes a more interesting story.
My positive tale is that motherhood has taught me a lot, I’ve made some wonderful new friendships & I have had a fantastic time.
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I absolutely agree with you Feline. have worked nightshit as a nurse for 20 years. Nothing prepared me for how exhausted a new baby makes you after months of interupted sleep.
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nah it is fresh and honest… read it again go on
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You guys!!!!
Easy now.
xxxx
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Does this kind of thing ever get you down Mia? I mean healthy debate and different opinions are great, but staff have had to enter and ‘parent’ on more than one occasion…..
I’m genuinely interested. It kind of gets me down and I don’t run the site!
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Hey Shan, good question! It can certainly be frustrating when people take offense where none was intended.
Sometimes I feels like some people (atoby but vocal minority) are looking to be angry. They don’t care what about.
We are ferociously protective of our contributors so it ably gets me down when they are upset by it.
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yes, I can see why!
thanks for the response
I think you’re probably right about people ‘looking to be angry’. It’s concerning, as these people are also out there looking to be angry in real life!!!
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This is comment gold! All of it.
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I have three beautiful girls and feel exactly the same way. New parents are often quite dull with their infatuation with newborns. It is sometimes difficult to make conversation with a new SAHM as you don’t want to offend them by asking questions like ‘What have you been doing’. And half the time they whine so much about how difficult it is to be at home all the time.
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It’s true. I mean, I am utterly obsessed with my cat. And music and art. OB-SESSED. But I know not everyone is. My friends ask me about my cat out of politeness. I ask about their kids out of politeness. Then we talk about other stuff and it’s a two-way conversation.
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Dude, your cat, and music and art, is not really in the same league as a human child in this context.
When you’re a new mum, or a mum of a couple of kids with a new baby, your infant is the biggest part of your life. It is literally all consuming, and sometimes it is really bloody difficult to think of interesting conversation topics. Particularly when you’ve spent the last five days inside your own house, wiping all manner of bodily fluids off every surface in the house, while constantly breastfeeding and attempting to prevent your toddler from murdering the baby/electrocuting themself/putting your smartphone into the front loader and turning it on.
Most of us hate the fact that we’ve become ‘those’ people as much as you do, but sometimes, it’s all we’ve got to work with.
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Different ‘leagues’ for different people. Some people don’t have kids, and will never have kids. It’s pretty gross of you to act as though the things that make their lives wonderful are so much less because they’re not a baby.
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“Dude, your cat, and music and art, is not really in the same league as a human child in this context.”
Aaaaaaand there it is.
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Indeed. Those who have used their wombs are so much better than the rest of us. At least some of them seem to think so.
Good job we know better.
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There’s a fine line between voicing an “opinion” and being a “troll”.
Diana The Huntress, if you have no interest in children what are you doing on this site?
I have no interest in football or weddings so I don’t go on those types of blogs just to enflame people or just to antagonise.
“OB-SESSED”, like, with your cat, music and art?
Really, how old are you?
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Artemisia- I read Mamamia because I enjoy many of the columns. This site is about many things, not just parenthood. I live with a chronic illness which has often prohibited me from engaging with the world. My cat and art have saved my life on many occasions, and no, that’s not being melodramatic. So yes, I place great importance upon them. Some of have rich outer lives, some of us have rich inner ones. I’m not glorifying what you see as trivialities because I lack depth. Nor am I trolling. We all have passions and trials in life. One of yours is parenthood and that’s fine. But the rest of us are not less-than because we haven’t chosen that path.
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I must have missed the memo that said you had to be interested in children to visit this site.
I know the site has got Mama in the title but I didn’t realise the child free weren’t welcome. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
Oh, and Artemisia? Nice personal attack on Diana. Well done you.
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No memo. And everyone SETTLE DOWN. It’s Sunday.
Xxx
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But how do you know that ? If you have not had a kid? Genuine question.
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I agree with you Diana — I’m a mum and I understand why some people just aren’t that interested in talking about kids. And as for the tired thing — definitely. I was tired before I had a baby, tired after and everyone I know, whether they have kids or not, is tired.
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Diana, I get what you are saying.
I love babies, am good with babies, can solve most baby issues, so I am happy to talk about them.
However I have absolutely NO interest in sport. If it comes up I struggle to engage, partly because I have no idea whos who, and partly (mostly!) because I don’t care.
We all have different interests.
Sadly, I don’t need to be hormonal to be impatient and irritable.
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I find obsessive and naval gazy women in their early twenty’s that like to “contribute” to society by art making, very predictable and somewhat dull. But that’s probably because I was one, once upon a time. So I can empathise with you and your innocent idealism, but please don’t profess to “get” how exhausted the mother of newborn is, when you haven’t yet been one and if you really want to trivialise mother’s, by saying things like “your life is 10000x harder because you have bred” perhaps you could just go to blog where it’s cool to show your lack of empathy!
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Why do you assume I’m in my early twenties or that my worldview is based on naive idealism? You have no idea what my age is. And why do you assume my only contribution to society is art-making? It’s one of many things I do. I’m also doing a degree, I’m an activist, I volunteer, I’m a damn good friend and in my daily life I’m actually a pretty nice person. As for the lack of importance of art- never been helped when at your absolute limit by a song, a film, something someone has written…? It’s not all meaningless entertainment, you know. And I never once said mothers don’t deserve empathy. They’re human, of course they do. I just said I don’t get why they’re more deserving than the rest of us.
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I assumed you were in your early 20′s because your words have that ring to them. I didn’t assume that your only contribution is art making. I don’t think art is meaningless entertainment (as it’s the way I make a living). I didn’t say that you said mothers don’t deserve empathy. What I said was that you lack empathy for mothers. It’s there clear for all to see in your writing and finally, why do you keep saying things like “why they’re more deserving that the rest of us” about mothers all the time? Who has implied that mothers are better, more deserving or more worthy etc?
You seem to be attacking something you’ve created yourself!
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Can’t people just take a light-hearted, easy read for what it is??!! Why does everyone get so damn critical about EVERYTHING. It was an easy read and I had a giggle, thankyou
oh, and i dont have kids
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the link to take you to monty’s twitter doesn’t seem to work?
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doesn’t work for me either.
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I have fixed – try it now
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what else to say but – I LOVE this post! I am now in the throws of the pre teens and teen years with baby 2 and 1 respectively…… I am still not sleeping right – now I dream of arguing with my teen daughter about her hair and my son about doing his homework…. whilst my dear husband sleeps/snores ignorantly beside me! Husband is in the military so away a Hell of a lot and since day dot he has missed so much of the “joys” of parenthood”… however that said, he never looks at his time of looking after the kids as “babysitting”…. he knows he would get a rather large swift upper hand if he ever mentioned the words…..
Parenthood is the most important Career of my life, I am counting on the fact that in many moons to come, my children will have gorgeous kids of their own, who I will get to dote on and spoil silly and be the AWESOME Grandma! Then get to go home, put my feet up, eat a chocolate eclair and watch what ever I please on Foxtel.. Knowing my work is well and truly done and done WELL!
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Ok so us childless humans can’t win: if we say nothing we are jealous and if we ask questions we are morons. Get over yourselves! Maybe we are just being polite or maybe, just maybe we even feel sorry for you!
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Its just a Mum who needs to vent and needs to be heard for her issues. Don’t take it personally
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well maybe I need to vent and be heard for my issues.
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Write your own post then!
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Love this post – my pet hate is Dads who think they are babysitting when caring for their children!
I have been asked by virtual strangers if my baby was planned and if my 2 children have the same dad – gob-smacked!!!
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Laughing loudly, I’ll top that,
A female family member gay and in a long term relationship. They decided to have a child.
They conceived at home via artificial insemination.
First ante-natal visit:
Questions from the nurse:
Q: How was the baby conceived?
A: artificial insemination
Next question about dates.
Q: was it a planned pregnancy?
They just looked at her. The nurse looked up waiting for an answer (standard question I know, but even after asking it didn’t click.). She looked at two women who had just said artificial insemination.
Their answer: yes
My answer would have been: no, not at all. We just stick syringes of semen into our vaginas for fun.
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I waited in vain for someone to utter number 4 to me… both times, but alas, it was not to be.
I’m still waiting in vague hope for number 2.
Tell me nice, sweet little lies any day!
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I can almost hear a new mum fuming because a child-free moron friend visited and didnt ask how she was going, how the baby was sleeping or if the new mum was getting much sleep…
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Exactly!! Us child free morons cant win. The next stage is imagined daggers over breastfeeding. In reality, WE DONT CARE breast feed / don’t breast feed, seriously we are getting on with our own lives and are too busy to really care which way you go.
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You guys,
This was a post written in jest. With tongue firmly in sleep-deprived cheek.
Please take it in the spirit in which it was intended.
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I was at my sister in laws 30th and one of her friends asked me if my son was ‘planed or a mistake?’ WTF… We had just met 5mins before and I wanted to smack her!
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My female boss asked me the same thing when i told her I was pregnant!! Outrageous isn’t it
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My boss asked if my husband knew!!!!
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I got pregnant again when my first baby was five months old so the “was this planned or a mistake?” question drove me insane.
As if I would have in a million years actually planned to get pregnant again so soon. I used to feel saying…are you stupid…of course it was a f**king mistake.
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“suprise” is a better term, all my children were suprises.I used the term mistake and my 11 yrold over heard, I think she will need therapy for that one.
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I had no idea that asking about sleep was a stupid question.
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As a mum I laughed at the article, not because I think that anyone is a moron, or because I DON’T want help, but because these questions are often asked by people with no desire or ability to help. They tend to become questions that go with “How-are-you?-Good” and “How’s the weather?”
This is my take on the four questions:
“So what do you actually do all day?”
What I think people are sometimes thinking is “I do the dishes, cook dinner, run a load or two of washing, walk the dog and chat for an hour with a friend, all after doing a day’s work?” And it’s true, the things that used to take me 3 hours in the evening now take me ALL DAY.
And then I think about it, EVERYTHING I do is multiplied by two: Go to the toilet… – x2, eat… x2, prepare a meal… – x2, washing… – x3, can’t sleep… probably x2, feel unwell… x every member of the household! For most of the first year, a stay at home parent is simply undertaking basic life necessities for two people. And the thing is, as vital and fantastic a job as it is looking after a new little person, you really don’t have anything to show for it at the end of each day, a baby will occasionally give you a little smile, but won’t say thank you and if you have a partner they’re adjusting to new family dynamics and are hopefully grateful that things tick on more or less the same as ever.
When people ask this question (of anyone) they’re looking for the significant things from your day. For a mum, the significant things for the first part of a babies life ARE changing nappies and doing loads of washing. When a mum says it, it’s not a blow-by-blow as some comments have suggested, that is what you do. It doesn’t feel significant, it’s not special and you don’t get thanks or a pay cheque for doing it.
“So do you want me to babysit?”
Let me set the scene: Friend wants to hold the baby, after a while baby does what a baby does (take you’re pick: big poo, cries, gets heavy etc) and friend hastily sends child back to parent, ALMOST IMMEDIATELY friend offers to babysit. Mum thinks “Really, one cry and you wanted to hand her back, how on earth do you think you’ll cope when I’m actually away for a few hours?”
Anyway, TBH, I ask my husband (father of my daughter) to ‘babysit’… makes him feel special and gives me a chance to go out with friends for a few hours.
“Are you getting much sleep?”
A great question when followed by “how about I come around tomorrow and give you a break”. Really, it’s probably best to ask this one only if you’re confident with crying babies…
“You look amazing for having just had a baby.”
You’re quite intelligent for a woman, you have a lot of emotional intelligence for a man… you look amazing for just having had a baby… do you see a pattern? No compliment should really need to be qualified like that. If a qualifier applies, the person that you’re complimenting already knows that it exists, you don’t need to point it out.
The truth is that new mums are often more sensitive for a range of reasons, that’s just part and parcel for that stage of life. You don’t really need to ask if they need help, BUT if you do ask, BE SPECIFIC (I have an hour on Saturday, how about I pop over and run your vacuum around for you).
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Hey guys, Monty here.. Have read all your comments and by NO means did i intend to offend anyone.. Was just trying to make you giggle, all just a bit of fun. Thanks heaps for reading my piece and taking the time to leave your thoughts. Love the passion. xx
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Hey Monty, I certainly had a giggle and could relate to everything you said. I too have been attacked on this website (by mostly childless commenters) for explaining how different it is having a baby to look after compared to what you ‘assume’ it might be. Please don’t let it get to you, i love this and your last article and think your little one is a very lucky baby to have such a wonderful mother with such a great sense of humour
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Loved it Monty and then some… it defiantly made me giggle and then some… I was the one who posted about the pre – Teens and Teens above… so much you have to look forward too!
xx
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I’d love to read more.
I’m laying here in pain with a heat pack on my belly, and I’m not feeling very generous towards my uterus right now ( or at least to the prostaglandins causing the spasms), you made me smile and think kind uterus thoughts.
Tounge-in-cheek articles are the best!!!!!!!!
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Lots and lots of people who didn’t take offense Monty m’darlin and lots of the offendees seemed to be anonymouses….anonymouses live in glass houses innit x
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Baxter is gorgeous!
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Oh. My. God. Wot a palaver.
Newsflash – people who don’t have children cant understand what it’s like, in the same way that I cant understand what it’s like to be a man, be a jet fighter pilot, be a vegetarian, be a buddist monk, be a bigot, be a saint, be a FRICKIN ANYTHING THAT I AM NOT!
She only says the first thing is reserved for ‘childless humans’ (because they don’t understand and why WOULD they, see my first point), the rest of it can (and does) come from other parents as well.
Honestly, get off it wouldja?
Sheesh.
As Rizzo would say; ‘Some people are so touchy!’
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Oh and BTW, new mums could do with being a bit less touchy too. In fact EVERYONE could prolly take a chill pill man, everywhere you turn people seem to be getting outraged and offended at the slightest provocation.
Peace out xx
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I think this was meant to be more of a humorous piece.
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eggzackly xxx
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I was at my sister in laws birthday party and one of her friends asked me if my son was ‘planed or an accident?’!! WTF! This was within 1minute of meeting, and I felt like smacking her!
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Wow, I’m gobsmacked someone would ask that! Maybe she was just shy and was trying to think of something, anything baby related?
But still…..wow!
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Skye.
How presumptious.
I would have replied “he was a huge surprise, and I’m not even sure who the father is – once I work it, out won’t he be surprised too!!”
Serious topic I know, but for a stranger to go from ‘hi, nice to meet you’ to ‘surprise or planned’ is a bit …..(insert word)…..
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The silliest thing someone said to me when I was pregnant with no 4, just after I was introduced to her was “don’t you know what contraception is?”.
I dead panned to her, “no, I’m a midwife and child health nurse, I’ve never heard of such things”.
The worst thing was her sister (my friend) had told her I was a colleague of hers at the hospital! It still makes me snigger 8 years later.
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Man, so many angry comments on this story!
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For the record I see “childless humans” and “morons” written separately not together. This childless human is not offended
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Oh dear, I think that many people are offended a little too easily! I don’t believe that the writer was taking on a “holier than thou” stance as a mother or that she thinks that childless women are morons. I for one, had a laugh and thoroughly enjoyed this piece, but then I don’t take myself too seriously.
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I love your writing Monty & I found this piece light-hearted and funny! It certainly rang true with things people have said to me AND with off-handed remarks I have said to new mums over the years! Love the ‘so what do you do all day?’ – I was asked this, very genuinely, many times. A gorgeous friend told me that she would always reply ‘sip pina coladas on the sun lounge’! You’re so right that answering this question would bore even your own ears!
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Being a Mother/Father is a job. A full-time job. With no co-workers. Only clients. There’s no one to chat with during the day about the annoying thing that just happened at work.
I love my job, but I don’t begrudge myself or any Mother/Father the chance to have a little whinge about the working conditions from time to time with people doing the same job in a different family.
Everyone who finds it annoying: click onto the next…
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Well said
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Sorry, I know this is an opinion piece, but why do women take on this holier than thou persona because they’ve had a child? I really don’t appreciate being touted as a “childless human” or a “moron” Because we don’t have kids we couldn’t possibly know everything about the universe like new mums do. Please.
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I can only speak from experience, but sometimes writers employ a touch of hyperbole for comedic effect. I don’t think Monty actually thinks childless humans are really that awful or moronic! It’s just a caricature of the situation for entertainment. It’s Friday afternoon, let’s all chill and have a drink!
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Just thought I’d chuck my 2 cents in anyway.
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I like your “let’s chill and have a drink ” suggestion. I am right on it!
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‘Chill … and drink … ‘
Excellent advice!
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THANK YOU!!
Sorry, as a fellow ‘moron’ – I do know that people with babies have less sleep than those who choose to not have them. But…..people do know that beforehand, right? Then they go on and On and ON about it like they’re the only people ever before to have been deprived of sleep. Yawn.
A “childless human” by choice….I too get bored with the ‘we’re so amazing because we chose to have a child’ air that SOME new mothers seem to have. Thanks for reminding me I’m not the only one!
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I get your point about non-parents getting tired/ missing sleep etc, but honestly, the sleep dep that SOME parents (especially mothers) can experience in those early months can be crippling. Pre kids I thought I knew fatigue, but now that I’m on the other side, I honestly had no idea.
Not saying anyone id a moron et al. Just that you can’t know what its like for someone else til you’ve done it yourself.
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As someone who’s suffered insomnia all my life, and who’s lucky to get 8 hours a week, let alone a night, I’ll admit I don’t have a huge amount of patience with new mums who go on about the sleep deprivation. I do know what it’s like, in fact I get significantly less sleep than you. Difference is, I didn’t sign up for it and will still be dealing with it when your kids are all grown up.
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I have lived with insomnia for as long as I can remember – averaging 4 hours sleep a night. Insomnia & kids are an interesting combination. While it’s nice to have company in the small hours you can guarantee that I will finally fall asleep just before bubs wakes for a feed.
Most of us insomniacs have adjusted to functioning while utterly exhausted but it would be extremely hard to adjust to broken sleep if your used to 8 hours of perfect slumber.
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Im sure that insomnia must be a terrible affliction. And so frustrating to not be able to get the rest that you want/need.
B, I think that you have helped me clarify, that its more about having had the solid 8 hours and then being thrust into the state of broken sleep by a little one. Also, having to attend to a child day or night without reprieve; you don’t get to lie in the dark, at least in some state of relaxation when you have a baby. A childless insomniac is not bound by the needs of another and although the lack of sleep must be horrid, there is not a little person needing happy faces, food, changing etc etc in the morning.
Its that whole idea of having something and then it being dramatically changed/ taken away (and yes, we know its a choice to become a parent, but you still have no idea how full on it can be until it happens!) and not knowing (as a first time parent) if/when you might get some decent sleep again.
I hope Im making sense. And not sounding aggressive.
Some of the comments on this post have been a bit feisty, I must say!
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I agree 100% with you girly. It’s all very well for Rick to say “chill and have a drink”….. wonder if the rush to defend would be as strong to a post about an alternate take on white picket fence existence. It’s curious because, I often think Rick seems too intelligent for this website.
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Wow how are you sleeping and you look great after having your baby are horrible comments? Geez ive been getting it all wrong! How horrible having people care how you are doing and complimenting your looks. Ok so I know this is meant to be a light hearted funny article but it still grinds my gears. Every person could write 100 questions/comments not to make to any profession or person. A teacher (I wish my days were as short as yours and I had as many holidays), a childless person (I’m so jealous of your fabulous single life), a lawyer (how does it feel to sell your soul for what you do), mining workers (you have it so good making so much money) and the list goes on!! There’s a reason they’re annoying for every single one like the stupid idea teachers are at school only as long as the kids are, or that people without children can’t possibly know hardship, or that lawyers are all rich assholes….more like people helping us uphold the justice system? Or that people who work on the mines have it SOO good doing 12 hour days 7 days in a row and spending half a year or more away from their family! AND THEN wait for it we have a rebuttal again well teachers DO get awesome holidays and working on the mines DOES help to set you up financially but the thing is imagine if every person from every walk of life made annoying lists like this of “what not say to me” we’ve all got lists, we’ve all got things we are annoyed by.
[comment edited for tone - Mamamia]
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Ugh…. I really hate being all nitpicky and annoying but the word is “moll” – I see this mistake everywhere, it’s a pet hate of mine….
However, if I misunderstood and you do actually have a backstabbing mole then I suggest you see a Dermatologist, pronto.
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Ummm, WTF????
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What’s the problem?
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Or get your whacking hammer out.
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Hahaha – hate those backstabbing moles, digging holes in my lawn and bitching about me behind my back!
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This thread made my night
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You just taught me something! All these years I actually thought people were talking about little black animals that live underground when they called someone a “mole” – had no idea there was a whole other word “moll”.
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Hahaha – that is awesome.
Glad to be of service!
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I notice it’s now been fixed. I feel like a really made a difference today, it’s a good feeling.
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You did! I corrected my own friend on an email about the same matter the other day but hadn’t had a chance to read this one yet! Thanks for the heads up!
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No, in Australia, it’s mole.
She doesn’t mean a moll as in a gangster’s moll (30′S term for s ‘loose woman’, she means a MOLE as in…well, the Aussie slang for a bitch I guess. It’s not the same thing AT ALL
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Hey Ladybird73, cheers for the heads up.
You know what’s embarrassing though? Correcting someone when you’re, in fact, the one who is wrong.
The term “moll” actually originated from gun moll (ie a gangster’s moll)… from memory it was first introduced into the Aussie vernacular when it was used in Puberty Blues back in the 80s.
Ouch. How awkward for you.
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Winner winner chicken dinner….
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Teehee…
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So as a childless woman myself what exactly is it safe for me to ask?
[comment edited for tone - Mamamia]
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Would you like a cup of tea? Can I vacuum the carpet for you? Do you need a hug? Are you ok? Have I told you lately that I love you and I think you’re going to do a fantastic job, cos I know you’re really scared right now and worried you’re ruining your baby’s life right from the get-go?
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Ah, the “new parenthood as illness/disability” syndrome.
Why is that so common these days? Our parents just got on with it.
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What?! Our parents most definitely had neighbours, friends and family who would help out when a new baby was brought home from the hospital. In fact, my mum says those kind of offerings (like ladybird mentions) were offered far more freely when she had her babies, compared to what she has observed these days.
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Yes, but they didn’t whinge about it. It was appreciated, but not expected.
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I never whinged about someone bringing over a pot of soup when had I newborns. I never expected it and was hugely grateful.
This “new parenthood as illness/disability” syndrome that you speak of (horrible term BTW) has not been prevalent in my world. Don’t assume all new parents are like that.
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seriously they never whinged?
i am calling Bullshit with a capital B.
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would you be as generous to non-breeders? hmmmmm me thinks not.
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Can I pick up some bread and milk for you on the way over?
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Baxter is just gorgeous Katie! What a beautiful photo xx
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Agreed – he’s super cute. (Am I allowed to say that?
)
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I’m childless but I certainly didn’t assume you were having a go at me!
Definitely tongue-in-cheek and I laughed and I thought I was in a bad mood today so you did well
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So what is safe to ask new mothers?
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How the bloody hell are you?
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And somewhere there will be a new mother thinking:
“How the hell do you think I am? What a stupid question to ask.. I just pushed a watermelon out of a keyhole! If you’re so vapid to even understand that, why did you bother asking anything at all?”
Et cetera, for every single question of comment anybody could utter in their presence.
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Can I make you a cup of tea?
Stay there, drink your tea. Let me change the nappy for you.
I don’t feel like having a massage/pedicure/facial today, how about I take the baby and you take the appt, it’s all paid for.
I have given up my housekeeper for lent, but I can’t not pay her. Do you want her for the next month?
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Do you want me to watch the baby while you have a shower?
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I think Katie is having a laugh, it’s a funny article and I loved some of the turns of phrase. Let’s all take a mini break from being offended and consider this, is the person asking me a question out of malice, or are they just trying to make conversation on a topic he are unsure of.
I still laugh about the time I took my first daughter into my boyfriends office to meet his work people. One very smiley woman said “Oohhh you poor thing, having a new baby means you have no time to spend on your own appearance” …. kapow! Didn’t see that coming.
Sometimes people just don’t know what to say .. and sometimes people are a bit mean and should give themselves an uppercut, you can usually tell who sits in which camp.
Just saying ..
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