Victoria Beckham needs to lose some weight.

http://thebosh.com/upload/2007/06/06/Victoria%20Beckham%20arriving%20at%20the%20Glamour%20Magazine%20Awards%202007.jpg

I mean, it’s obvious. One look at her and you can see where we’re
all heading if we don’t tackle this global obesity crisis head on:
Fatty Boombah Town.

So it was a huge relief to see a photograph of Fat Posh buying a
diet book last month. Let’s hope she went straight home, kicked off
those $2000 shoes, poured herself a low fat beverage and got busy
learning how to shed flab.

The ‘Skinny Bitch’ diet promises to help, so long as Posh is
prepared to give up meat and dairy and eat only organic. She won’t be
alone if she does this because Skinny Bitch is the hottest new diet
book in America where sales have jumped 674 percent since Posh was seen
buying her copy.

It’s not easy being a skinny bitch but it’s worth it, according to
the book which I was ready to hate but actually think is quite
fabulous.

The image “http://www.booksamillion.com/bam/covers/0/76/242/493/0762424931.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

Remember “He’s Just Not That Into You”? This is the diet version of
that book. No tiptoeing around the issue. No punches pulled. No
nicey-nice. Just tell it straight.
If he doesn’t call you? He
doesn’t like you. If you want to be skinny? Eat less junk. Or, as
Skinny BItch puts it “You cannot keep shovelling the same crap into
your mouth every day and expect to lose weight.”

Aren’t we a hopeless society in denial if we need to buy books to
tell us the most basic truths. And why are these books always aimed at
women? Wait, I know. Because women like me buy them by the truckload.
Are men better at accepting reality? Do they have more common sense? Or
are women just desperate for an expert to tell them what to do and
EXACTLY how to do it? Blink. Pause. Now blink again. Wait, did you
remember to breathe in and out while you were blinking? Start again.
That will be $29,95 thanks!

Skinny Bitch is written by two self-described skinny bitches, Kim
Barnouin, a former model, and Rory Freedman, a former model agent and
no relation to me. Both women are in their early thirties and they
don’t know how much they weigh because they “don’t own a scale”. They
are American and they are direct.

http://www.ldlainc.com/images/rorykim.jpg

“Say goodbye to soda and hello to a sweet ass,” they urge in their
signature style that’s half carrot, half stick, adding “You are a total
moron if you think the Atkins diet will make you thin.”

I’m not personally a fan of diets and I’d rather chew on a bath
towel than be told what, when and exactly how much to eat. But I do
like to learn new things about food so I can break into the bag of
cooking chocolate each night after dinner with a more complete
understanding of how bad that is.

Chapters in Skinny Bitch include “Sugar Is The Devil”, “Have No Faith: Governmental Agencies Don’t Give a Shit About Your Health”, “The Dairy Disaster” and, helpfully, an entire chapter called “Pooping”. This chapter is especially exciting for those still on the protein-heavy, fibre-light Atkins diet who haven’t pooped in years. In fact, the sound you just heard is of constipated Atkins disciples throwing down their Sunday papers and running to the bookstore with hope in their heart. And their pants.

Skinny Bitch also has some excellent motivational ideas. Like this one: “It’s time to reclaim your mind and body. It’s time to strut your skinny ass down the street like you’re in an episode of Charlie’s Angels with some really cool song playing in the background. It’s time to prance around in a thong like you rule the world.”

(What do they mean “it’s time”? Doesn’t everyone prance around in a thong like they rule the world, imagining they’re Drew or Farrah or Cameron EVERY DAY? Is that just me?)

What I find really interesting about the title of this book is how the bitch part so perfectly sums up the prevailing attitude to skinny people – well, skinny women. They routinely cop anger and suspicion, born mostly of envy. Women find it hard to believe that other women can be naturally thin. We prefer to think it’s a result of an eating disorder or a drug problem because that makes us feel better about our muffin tops.

Last week, Angelina Jolie slammed the innuendo about her own very visible weight loss. “I’ve always been lean and this year I lost my mom and….I have four kids and I finished breastfeeding – it’s been hard to get my nutrition back on track. Instead of people saying I look like a person dealing with something emotionally, they assume it’s because I want to fit into skinny jeans.”

Fair point. Many women do lose weight when they’re stressed or upset or going through major life changes. Just like other women put on weight for the same reasons.

So where does Ms Beckham fit into all that? Posh incessantly tries to talk down her skinniness and claims she is, indeed, fat-ish. “If jeans are too tight around the waist, you can get a muffin,” she explained. “I’ve had three children. I might look alright in clothes but I know I can get a muffin.”

Of course, this statement would have far more credibility if there were a discernible difference between Dressed Posh and Nude Posh. Not that I’ve seen Posh actually nude but I’ve seen her on a red carpet and it’s practically the same thing. Skinny bitch.