Do You Like This Story?

The 2012 Olympics logo

by CHRIS URQUHART

This is the only article about the Olympic Games that you will ever need because it is based on every Olympic news article ever written.  Ever.

First, you need to know that the venues aren’t going to be ready on time.  Of course by the time that the Olympics are running like clock-work, in beautiful, fully-functioning venues, you will have forgotten about this story that you read two weeks earlier.  You will realise that although the venues were ready in time, original stories about the lead-up to the Games were not.

Next there will be a story about how many condoms will be distributed at the Olympic village.  The number is approximately 87 million.  This article will probably include some enterprising mathematics on behalf of the reporter, who will calculate a figure of 8.346 condoms per athlete.  This will lead you to wonder how many pregnancies may occur as a result of the 9th sexual encounter when only 0.654 of a condom is available for use.

Olympic Village condoms.

Sometimes there will be original stories that take you by surprise.  This year, for example, a champion swimmer who critics judge is too fat to compete.  Before you dismiss this story as unresearched garbage, be aware that in fact, it is very thoroughly researched.  Do you have any idea how many hours it takes to sort through 297 photos of an athlete looking incredibly fit in order to find the 298th photo where she is bending at an awkward angle?  What’s most surprising though, is that the debate over the swimmer continues for a second and third day, even though the only debate is between editors as to whether the debate should be on page 1, 2 and 3 or whether it should be on page 4 as well.

At the opening ceremony, you will learn more about the world than you ever did from Mr O’Connor in Year 9 geography.  You will learn that Chad is a country, and not the name of a stripper from Manpower.  You will learn that Madagascar is less animated than it appears in cartoons.  You will learn that seven countries end with –stan, but unbelievably, there is no one called Stan on any of their teams.  The other good news is that the next day there will be debate online about how unattractive the Australian team’s uniforms were.  You will be qualified to participate in this debate on online forums and messageboards, because Mr O’Connor also taught you textiles and design in Year 9, at your understaffed high-school.

Stephanie Rice

A high profile swimmer will post sexy photos of herself online from various locations in the Olympic precinct.  Some of these artistic photos will be taken in a bathroom mirror, with a toilet or shower curtain visible in the background.  Some of the other photos will be with strong, good looking athletes from the United States leading to feverish speculation about whether she is using one of the 87 million Olympic condoms with him.

An attractive, late teens, female swimmer that you haven’t heard of before, will end up winning a swag of medals.  At this point you should also note that the collective noun for a group of medals is a “swag”.  I digress, however.  This swimmer will be signed up by a television network for exciting upcoming projects.  These exciting upcoming projects are likely to be Season 13 of Dancing with the Celebrities, answering the phones at the station telethon, and a Zoot review for a new line of sports porridge.

An Australian will win a Gold medal in an obscure sport such as trampoline-kayaking, underwater-kickboxing or judo-table tennis.  This person will be famous for twenty-three minutes until an actual athlete wins a medal in a real sport.

There will be an investigation into our Olympic uniforms and flags being made in countries other than Australia.  This will explain why Australia never wins gold in the 200m sewing.

An enterprising journalist will write an opinion piece on the hypocrisy of the Olympic Games being sponsored by fast food companies such as McDonalds and soft drink companies such as Coca-Cola.  That journalist is probably known by name at the drive-thru window of his local McDonalds restaurant and cancels appointments with his personal trainer because he is at a service station buying two commemorative 3-Litre bottles of Olympic Coca-Cola for seven dollars because the attendant talked him into it.

Lydia Lassila checks her medal for authenticity.

Please remember that any articles about Australians winning Gold Medals will be accompanied by photographs of the athlete biting into their gold medal to prove that it is gold.  This is the law.  Keep in mind, this is a scientific method, approved by the United Nations, to check the physical makeup of unknown metallic substances.  It’s can officially tell whether the medal is made of gold or chocolate.  This is particuarly salient if the photograph features the same athlete earlier accused of eating too much chocolate and being unfit in the lead up to the Games.

There is a growing trend towards sports which can be synchronised.  Synchronised swimming, like it or not, is still an Olympic sport.  The good news is, we now have synchronised diving, and if all goes according to plan, soon we will have synchronised hammer throw, synchronised fencing, synchronised Greco-Roman wrestling and synchronised synchronising.

On the topic of Greco-Roman wrestling, please be advised that homophobic alpha-male comedians will make several jokes about athletes participating in this sport for the duration of the Olympics.

As the games draw to a close, someone will do the statistics on how much taxpayers have contributed to the financial success of elite athletes and will question whether they should have to pay some of it back, just like everyone else has to eventually pay back their subsidised university degrees.

This will coincide with another article revealing how millions of dollars in productivity has been lost because of workers taking sickies after sitting up to watch the Olympics all night.  A Chamber of Commerce or some such will estimate it at fifty billion dollars, meaning that, altogether, the Olympic athletes owe us each one gazillion dollars.

Let’s hope their medals are gold instead of chocolate.

Chris Urquhart is a television reporter and writer.  He has a decade of experience as a journalist in television and radio news.

For everything you need to know about the London Olympics and more, you can head on over to visit our friends at ivillage.com.au

1. Hate sport.
Loathe the Olympics.
Can’t wait for it to be finished.

GD Star Rating
2. How sad that this is all true! Why can’t the media just write stories on the athletes achievements leading up to and throughout the games?

GD Star Rating
3. I am now waiting with bated breath to hear whether its a fast pool or a slow pool….. can anyone clarify what this even means??

GD Star Rating
• I seriously hope you’re kidding and I’m glad I haven’t heard that expression.
Maybe a slow pool has a few buckets of dissolved gelatine thrown in….
On a side note, I’d like to see synchronized hammer throw.

GD Star Rating
4. Ah, all so true! How funny.

GD Star Rating
5. On a side note, wow, that logo is atrocious. Wow. I’d heard about it, but hadn’t seen it. Wow.

GD Star Rating

GD Star Rating
7. The day an athlete discovers that the medals are made of chocolate, I’m going to try qualifying.

GD Star Rating
8. Chris this is gold. I feel like I need to make a check list and tick everything off as it happens.

GD Star Rating
• Perhaps a drinking game?

GD Star Rating
9. weather… you forgot all the articles about the weather. its as if it comes as a surprise that beijing is full of smog, or that its wet in london. happens every games.

GD Star Rating
10. I love, love , love the Olympics, we have all the 8 Fox sports channels on and will be avidly watching it over the next 2 weeks.
Every single Olympic build up consists of catastrophies and dilemas about whether this or that will happen!
It is a wonderful event and I will be cheering everyone on from my living room, emotional at times too. I admire anyone who can excel at things be it sports, arts or culture and I am so excited to be watching the creme de la creme in a few days.

GD Star Rating
11. Well played sir, well played. May you find a chocolate medal of your own to bite into.

GD Star Rating
• Hahaha thanks Savannah…I’m going to look for one!

GD Star Rating
12. Great article Chris – loved it. If only you’d extended it to anticipate the standard comments it would receive on:
a) pedantic grammar;
b) anti-sport sentiment; and

For the record:
a) In an online environment I’m grateful if there’s correct spelling and any punctuation, the location of a comma relative to a verb is not my greatest concern.
b) I’m happy to skip posts on subjects that don’t interest me, but I accept that other people might want to read them so I don’t think the content should be banished from the website.
c) While I choose not to watch ACA I have enjoyed reading all your articles on here

GD Star Rating
• Haha thanks for that, I’m glad you enjoyed it and really do appreciate your support. I think you make three excellent points there!

GD Star Rating
13. You know Lydia is a winter games athlete yeah?
She’s a freestyle skiier..

She won’t be at these games…

GD Star Rating
14. I know that there is a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows and a flock of sheep. What do you call a collection of cliches ?

But having read this piece, I know exactly what to expect from the commentary teams sent to cover the event. Perhaps I can use the article as the basis of a drinking game ? Every time Eddie M says something that Chris has written, down another shot.

GD Star Rating
• The whole article is about the cliche of Olympic reportage; I think the cliches add to that.

GD Star Rating
15. Great article – and so true, let the cliches begin!

GD Star Rating
16. I’ve been listening to the non-stop news about all of the cock-ups occurring in London during the lead-up to the Olympics, and wondered where I had heard it all before…..That’s right, Sydney in 2000 ! And as I recall, those games went rather well, best ever according to Mr Samaranch.
It obviously doesn’t occur to the Flab Police that if Leisel Jones wasn’t fit enough to swim in the Olypics, she wouldn’t have qualified for the team ?!! Some people are stupid….

GD Star Rating
• “non-stop news about all of the cock-ups ”

As I heard someone point out on TV, there are about 1500 (or more) media people in London for a couple of weeks before the competetion even begins, & they have to report about something hence the SNAFU stories.

GD Star Rating
17. this is GOLD Chris – a very funny and true read of what we are in for over the next two weeks.
However it is perhaps somewhat ‘un-Australian’ of you to point all this stuff out. Can’t wait for that chestnut to be wheeled out by some commentator, though Cathy Freeman already got the ball rolling on it this week.

GD Star Rating
• Hahaha thank you, don’t worry I will be watching and supporting just like everyone else! Nothing unAustralian about that!

GD Star Rating
18. I think they should add synchronised hammer throwing as an event, stat.

GD Star Rating
• Seconded.
I think synchronized gymnastics would be a great viewer spectacular.

GD Star Rating
19. Spot on!

GD Star Rating
20. HAHA! I loved this.

But I did not love the bad grammar of this sentence: An attractive, late teens, female swimmer that you haven’t heard of before, will end up winning a swag of medals. Please fix MM. Never, EVER put a comma between the subject of a sentence and the verb. Here endeth the lesson

GD Star Rating
• Thanks for the tip. You make a very good point and I should have checked the grammar much more closely.

Also can you please return the word endeth to the 16th century where you found it

GD Star Rating
21. what a fabulous writing style! hilarious and intelligent article!

GD Star Rating
• Thanks Rima

GD Star Rating
• you are welcome!

GD Star Rating
• i think you meant to reply to someone else chris

GD Star Rating
22. Loved it, Chris! True AND funny.

I very much like the changed byline too – huge improvement!!

GD Star Rating
23. I found out recently that the Olympics used to have poetry, sculpture, literature, painting and music. They dropped it because of the issues between amateurs and professionals, interesting given many of our athletes are career athletes now.

GD Star Rating
• I was wondering about the amateur aspect yesterday – I may be wrong, but I think Boxing is still an event that you can’t be professional and compete? That doesn’t seem fair though.

Oh, it’s true (according to Wiki…) for Boxing and Wrestling. Surely that will change soon as well?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amateur_sports#Olympics

GD Star Rating
24. “Keep in mind, this is a scientific method, approved by the United Nations, to check the physical makeup of unknown metallic substances. It’s can officially tell whether the medal is made of gold or chocolate.”

Laughed out loud at this!!

GD Star Rating
• Glad you enjoyed it Frances

GD Star Rating
25. Lol Pissa!!

GD Star Rating
26. Brilliant, just briliant. Well done Chris – I’m laughing so much because it is all so true (200m sewing – bahahahaha).

GD Star Rating
27. ha ha ha ha!

GD Star Rating
28. Schmolympics. I can’t wait for the next two & a bit weeks to be over. I’m glad my visit to the UK was last year! Now, I’m off to find a large chocolate gold-foiled coin, yum.

GD Star Rating
• Funnily enough I am craving one of those also.
My Nana used to by them for me in little red mesh bags! So yummy!

GD Star Rating
29. I still can’t see anything in that Olympic logo but Bart and Lisa Simpson being very inappropriate.

GD Star Rating
• What is this Bart and Lisa Simpson inappropriateness you speak of? I’ve heard it a lot lately and have no idea what it’s about!

GD Star Rating
• Google image it. It will never be able to be unseen.

GD Star Rating
• Oh God. . . The horror.

GD Star Rating
• the one on the right looks like Lisa, kneeling. You can work out the rest.

Or just click this: http://p.twimg.com/AyOYRz6CEAE5oh9.jpg

GD Star Rating
• O.O

GD Star Rating
30. Love it!

GD Star Rating