Chris Urquhart Friday 27 July 2012 11:25am

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The 2012 Olympics logo

by CHRIS URQUHART

This is the only article about the Olympic Games that you will ever need because it is based on every Olympic news article ever written.  Ever.

First, you need to know that the venues aren’t going to be ready on time.  Of course by the time that the Olympics are running like clock-work, in beautiful, fully-functioning venues, you will have forgotten about this story that you read two weeks earlier.  You will realise that although the venues were ready in time, original stories about the lead-up to the Games were not.

Next there will be a story about how many condoms will be distributed at the Olympic village.  The number is approximately 87 million.  This article will probably include some enterprising mathematics on behalf of the reporter, who will calculate a figure of 8.346 condoms per athlete.  This will lead you to wonder how many pregnancies may occur as a result of the 9th sexual encounter when only 0.654 of a condom is available for use.

Olympic Village condoms.

Sometimes there will be original stories that take you by surprise.  This year, for example, a champion swimmer who critics judge is too fat to compete.  Before you dismiss this story as unresearched garbage, be aware that in fact, it is very thoroughly researched.  Do you have any idea how many hours it takes to sort through 297 photos of an athlete looking incredibly fit in order to find the 298th photo where she is bending at an awkward angle?  What’s most surprising though, is that the debate over the swimmer continues for a second and third day, even though the only debate is between editors as to whether the debate should be on page 1, 2 and 3 or whether it should be on page 4 as well.

At the opening ceremony, you will learn more about the world than you ever did from Mr O’Connor in Year 9 geography.  You will learn that Chad is a country, and not the name of a stripper from Manpower.  You will learn that Madagascar is less animated than it appears in cartoons.  You will learn that seven countries end with –stan, but unbelievably, there is no one called Stan on any of their teams.  The other good news is that the next day there will be debate online about how unattractive the Australian team’s uniforms were.  You will be qualified to participate in this debate on online forums and messageboards, because Mr O’Connor also taught you textiles and design in Year 9, at your understaffed high-school.

Stephanie Rice

A high profile swimmer will post sexy photos of herself online from various locations in the Olympic precinct.  Some of these artistic photos will be taken in a bathroom mirror, with a toilet or shower curtain visible in the background.  Some of the other photos will be with strong, good looking athletes from the United States leading to feverish speculation about whether she is using one of the 87 million Olympic condoms with him.

An attractive, late teens, female swimmer that you haven’t heard of before, will end up winning a swag of medals.  At this point you should also note that the collective noun for a group of medals is a “swag”.  I digress, however.  This swimmer will be signed up by a television network for exciting upcoming projects.  These exciting upcoming projects are likely to be Season 13 of Dancing with the Celebrities, answering the phones at the station telethon, and a Zoot review for a new line of sports porridge.

An Australian will win a Gold medal in an obscure sport such as trampoline-kayaking, underwater-kickboxing or judo-table tennis.  This person will be famous for twenty-three minutes until an actual athlete wins a medal in a real sport.

There will be an investigation into our Olympic uniforms and flags being made in countries other than Australia.  This will explain why Australia never wins gold in the 200m sewing.

An enterprising journalist will write an opinion piece on the hypocrisy of the Olympic Games being sponsored by fast food companies such as McDonalds and soft drink companies such as Coca-Cola.  That journalist is probably known by name at the drive-thru window of his local McDonalds restaurant and cancels appointments with his personal trainer because he is at a service station buying two commemorative 3-Litre bottles of Olympic Coca-Cola for seven dollars because the attendant talked him into it.

Lydia Lassila checks her medal for authenticity.

Please remember that any articles about Australians winning Gold Medals will be accompanied by photographs of the athlete biting into their gold medal to prove that it is gold.  This is the law.  Keep in mind, this is a scientific method, approved by the United Nations, to check the physical makeup of unknown metallic substances.  It’s can officially tell whether the medal is made of gold or chocolate.  This is particuarly salient if the photograph features the same athlete earlier accused of eating too much chocolate and being unfit in the lead up to the Games.

There is a growing trend towards sports which can be synchronised.  Synchronised swimming, like it or not, is still an Olympic sport.  The good news is, we now have synchronised diving, and if all goes according to plan, soon we will have synchronised hammer throw, synchronised fencing, synchronised Greco-Roman wrestling and synchronised synchronising.

On the topic of Greco-Roman wrestling, please be advised that homophobic alpha-male comedians will make several jokes about athletes participating in this sport for the duration of the Olympics.

As the games draw to a close, someone will do the statistics on how much taxpayers have contributed to the financial success of elite athletes and will question whether they should have to pay some of it back, just like everyone else has to eventually pay back their subsidised university degrees.

This will coincide with another article revealing how millions of dollars in productivity has been lost because of workers taking sickies after sitting up to watch the Olympics all night.  A Chamber of Commerce or some such will estimate it at fifty billion dollars, meaning that, altogether, the Olympic athletes owe us each one gazillion dollars.

Let’s hope their medals are gold instead of chocolate.

Chris Urquhart is a television reporter and writer.  He has a decade of experience as a journalist in television and radio news.

For everything you need to know about the London Olympics and more, you can head on over to visit our friends at ivillage.com.au