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Do you think kids should be wrapped in bubbles? Are you a helicopter parent? Do you “hover” over and around your kids in an attempt to protect them from the odd scratch, some dirt and the “wrong” 3 year old crowd? Well in a bid to get your kids out there playing freely, sans hand-sanitizer, leash and mobile phone, Lenore Skenazy (controversial novelist, columnist and mother) has declared May 22nd “Take your children to the park and leave them there day!”
On her Free Range Kids website, Lenore writes:
If our goal is to get kids back outside (it is), and playing together (it is), and for parents to relax (it is), and to start creating community again (it sure is!!!), then “Take Our Children to the Park… And Leave Them There Day” is a great first step.Across the country — what the heck, across the world — parents will converge upon local playgrounds and parks with their school-age kids. They will tell them to have fun, make friends and don’t leave with anyone. Then the parents will wave goodbye and the kids will amuse themselves for whatever amount of time they’ve decided with their folks. An hour. A morning. Or maybe even just half an hour, to get used to the whole thing, which, admittedly, sounds radical. But is it?
One child. Bubble-wrapped.
The crime rate in America is back to where it was in the early ’70s. Crime was going up then, and it peaked around 20 years later. By the mid ’90s it was coming down and continues to do so. So the strange fact — very hard to digest — is that if YOU were playing outside in the ’70s or ’80s, your kids today are safer than you were! I know it doesn’t feel that way. In fact, here’s an interesting poll about how the majority of people feel crime is going up when actually its going down. But anyway, the point is:
Most of us used to play outside in the park, without our parents, without cell phones, without Purell or bottled water and we survived! Thrived! We cherish the memories! And if you believe the million studies that I’m always publishing here, kids are healthier, happier and better-adjusted if they get to spend some time each day in “free play,” without adults hovering.
I know there will be shrill voices insisting, “Predators are gonna love this holiday!” but keep a level head. Crime is down. Awareness is up. There is safety in numbers, which means getting kids outside again, together. This won’t happen until we actually start DOING IT.
So spread the word and be not afraid. Free-Range Kids never says there is no risk in the world, only that the risk is small and worth taking, as it always has been. The trade-off is kids who make up games, who solve problems, who discover nature and get moving (to coin a phrase). Kids who don’t need a screen to entertain them. Playing outside, on their own, is what kids all over the world do. We have forgotten how vital and wonderful it is.
Walk around your neighborhood. Do you see empty sidewalks? Empty yards? Empty playgrounds? It’s a waste — of childhood. Let’s bring it back, starting on May 22.
Is old-school parenting really back? Would you describe your own upbringing as free-range? Mine was. Lots of time running around the street and roller skating on the (gasp) road. If my own children tried to do either, I would, of course, freak.
If you have kids, would you describe your approach as being more ‘free-range’ or more ‘helicopter’?
Thanks Chas and thanks Danielle
Comments
278 Comments so far
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I grew up on 5 acres of bushland near Melbourne, and I was most certainly a free range kid. If I wanted to walk the 6k to a friends house, off I went. If I wanted to take my bike out for the day, off I went. Myself and my friends wandered the town, jumped trains to the city and basically, as long as we told our parents about what time we’d be home, did what we liked where we liked. This was in the late 80s, early 90s when we were about 10 and up.
When I was 8 I wanted a pet mouse, and mama said I could have one if I went after school and bought it myself. Train caught, mouse bought, train home. No dramas.
Nothing bad happened, ever. Oh sure we came off our bikes or got lost or fell over or whatever, but all of us are still alive!
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Miss 10 goes to school and back on her own. On her bike. No worries. She knows the rules and if they are broken, no bike and no independence. It’s that simple. She goes out of site down to her friends and back. At this point I still insist she is only to walk around town in the daylight – she must be home before dark. We have a time to be home by whenever she leaves. She’s allowed to go to the local shop on her own too. We live in a little town and it’s likely she will see at least one person that knows her.
In our old neighbourhood we had a park out of site but not far from our house. I wonder if I would be letting her go there at this point? It’s a completely different feel living there than it is here.
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OH how i hope that i will be the perfect balance between a free range and helicopter parent. Luckily my children are only 4 years old and six months old so i still have a little time up my sleeve to work it all out!! I remember as a child my parents (who i thought were really strict while i was growing up)let us go into the bush, (i thought i was Trixie Beldon and had to solve crimes up there!!) walk to the shops, play in the street…. They were not disengaged or happy to have us out of the house. They cared greatly about us and set curfews about when to be home. There was no way you would miss a curfew – big trouble!! They wanted us to explore, discover, be children and learn responsibility. I want this for my children, but will i let go of them long enough to find out – i really and truly hope so.
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I am constantly on peadophile watch. I would never in a million years let my 5yr old son play at the park on his own. You just can’t be too careful. Call me up tight, strict whatever. But it is better to be safe than sorry. At the end of the day, your kids are relying on you to provide a safe environment for them.
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I don’t mean to alarm or offend you, but if you really wanted to weed all the peadophiles out of your childrens sphere then you’d also have to pay a private investigator to comb through virtually everyone of your aquaintance. Just as most rape victims know their attacker, so do most children know their abuser.
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You’re absolutely correct. That just proves the point that you can never be too careful.
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To take your point to it’s logical conclusion, you realise you would have to ban your child from having contact with absolutely anyone, even yourself, to protect them from paedophiles right?
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Oh for goodness sake. All I was saying is that I take the precautions which I feel are necessary to protect my child from harm. I watch my child at the park, I walk him to school, I dont leave him with a family member unless I trust them. I understand the point you are trying to make, but back off.
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Pinkgirl you are right. Some really silly generalizations have been made about this topic.
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Agreed! Absolutely.
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and what does a peadophile look like???
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I think that your comment is a little bit rude! Or should I say rood to
“apease” you?
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It’s a valid question. Pinkgirl said she’s constantly on paedophile watch, Angela wants to know how she differentiates peadophiles from the rest of the general population.
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Could be anyone. That is why I am always on alert.
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Thanks for staying level Pinkgirl. And on the subject of what paedophiles look like, I’ll bet one of the things you look for most is behaviour, not appearance.
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Pinkgirl I’m with you. Pedophiles may be rare, but they do exist, as long as your fear is balanced of course you should be vigilant, not just for your child but for others as well. Aren’t we all talking about a lack of community, then a person keeping an eye out gets shouted down? Especially when all the evidence and research shows pedophiles act in very distinct ways and target specific kinds of kids. Read enough court stories and it’s the same depressing story over and over again. “Oh well now you mention it the youth worker/teacher/priest/neighbour/friend did this, this, this and this that was odd”. If anyone acting in certain ways towards my kids, I’d be asking questions (references, where is Working With Children Check etc).
As for playgrounds, here is the definition and history of the cliche from Wiki: “In printing, a cliché was a printing plate cast from movable type. This is also called a stereotype. When letters were set one at a time, it made sense to cast a phrase used repeatedly as a single slug of metal. “Cliché” came to mean such a ready-made phrase. The French word “cliché” comes from the sound made when the matrix is dropped into molten metal to make a printing plate.” Classic cliches and stereotypes have st least some root in fact. And so it is with the “pedo in the playground”. Research shows pedophiles prefer pliable children who aren’t overly confident. I’m sure everyone is familiar with grooming a child. Few pedophiles snatch kids, thats a quick route to jail. Most pedophiles try to stay out of jail. To pick a target they observe them first, and where better than a playground. Watching a child play with others can tell you alot about them. Your right to keep an eye out for anyone that looks suss in a playground and similar public places. It is not a cliche for nothing.
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What about cars, Pinkgirl?
By placing your child in a car you are putting them incredible danger in comparison the risk of a child abuser finding your child in a park and kidnapping them.
You should walk everywhere. Better to be safe than sorry, right?
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You bet.
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Idle Dad, in comparison, I think it is far safer letting your kids cartwheel in traffic instead of playing in the park. It must be safer, because how many kids were injured cartwheeling in traffic?
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Plus the ones that live are stronger, faster and more intelligent. Excellent point Lulu!
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Not to mention, able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. or join the circus. Or both…
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Today we are at the park. Please let’s respect the park rules which are – Listen. Respect and Learn. We are all just giving our opinions. There is no wrong and right.
Now excuse me I am going back to the sandpit
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OK, great to be vigilant…but when you say you’re “constantly on peadaphile watch”…something like more than 90% of sexual assault on children is from someone they know. More than 90%. So the chance of a peadophile waiting to assault your kid in the park? Pretty small.
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the kids in my neighbourhood roam free – no one watches them. aside from the fact that they have nearly been hit by cars playing in the road they also play in random yards – including my own. now, i could be a child molester or worse for all they know and the parents would have no idea where to start looking. i have no problem with the kids all playing together but they really should a) be in a yard that belongs to at least one of them and b) being watched by at least on responsible adult.
i dont want to smother my daughter but there is no way she will be playing out in the street with those kids when she is old enough. i will take her to parks etc where she can play but i can still keep an eye on her. the last thing i want is to be one of the minority who does get hurt.
when i was a kid we were always watched – i grew up to be a cautious teen and adult being aware of my surroundings and not taking silly risks. i have always made sure someone knows where i am going/what i am doing so if something does happen people will at least know where to start looking for me and i hope to raise my daughter to have the same attitude.
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At 22 I’m amazed an appalled at how intense parents have become over the last few years. When I was a kid I walked to school on my own, which was a good 10min walk. And I frequently rode my bike across town or through bushland to go visit friends. My rules were simply as long as I was home before the street lights came on it was fine. We used to play out in the street or go to the local park, and our parents wouldn’t mind as long as we told them where we were going.
Granted my mother actually states she’s not a good mother. So she’s quite happy to leave children to their own devices. But working as a nanny over the past couple of years, watching these new shows about parents, and seeing those ridiculous nets they put around trampolines (gone are the days of landing on the ground with a thud and just getting straight back up again) isn’t it all getting a bit too much?
Making a day to take kids to a park and leave them there is the best possible idea anyone’s ever had. Because frankly, if you’ve taught your child the correct way to respond to strangers or an emergency then there’s no problem. Not to mention there’s other kids there – cue the moment in Kindergarten Cop where the kid gets taken and the rest of the class start screaming ‘stranger’. Kids are surprisingly adept at protecting their own. Like a mini!mafia. So why not take your kid to the park and leave them there.
Physical activity, social interaction, sunlight, lack of video game consoles… isn’t that what parents have been trying to make happen for the last couple of years?
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I’m all for physical activity, social interaction and running around in the park. But why do we have to leave them unsupervised? To prove to ourselves that we’re not ‘helicopters’? Sorry, not worth the risk.
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Then stay at the park. But read a book or something. You don’t have to watch their every move.
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But Dallas, you did say in your original statement ‘take them to the park and leave them there’ – I think that is what CT was referring to. She didn’t state she feels the need to ‘watch their every move’.
To state you are ‘amazed and appalled by how intense parents have become’ is a bit strong coming from someone who obviously doesn’t have children of her own to be responsible for.
Sorry, I don’t mean this to sound derogatory (although I am sure that is how its coming across, I can’t think clearly enough to find more eloquent words!), I am sure you will find your opinion changes if you become a parent yourself one day.
There has to be a happy balance between letting our children have some independence and hovering over their every move. It’s an ongoing battle parents face.
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She may not have children of her own but she also said she has worked as a nanny- of course not the same as being an actual parent however she has still worked with children. I don’t think it’s fair to call her an armchair sociologisdt.
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I didn’t call her an ‘armchair sociologist’. Before becoming a parent myself, I too worked as a Nanny and was the eldest sibling in my household with two working parents. In my opinion, neither of these experiences is the same as being a parent. (note I said ‘my opinion – granted, you may have a different one)
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Fair enough. Though my “you don’t have to watch their every move” response was based on CT’s “prove to ourselves that we’re not ‘helicopters’”.
I don’t have children of my own, however I have raised both my brothers (one of whom is disabled) since I was fourteen years old until now. And while some state this is not a basis for “parenting” I’d like to point out – I’ve cooked their meals, made their school lunches, woke them up in the morning, got them dressed and ready, taken them to school, helped with homework, allowed or denied friends coming over or going to friends placed, ensured they do their chores, taken them to football/music/social events, made sure they’re bathed, and tucked them in at night.
And I’m also sorry if that sounded a little argumentative, I was just wary that if I said I raised my brothers people may have assumed incorrectly that it didn’t amount to much parenting in the grand scheme of things.
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It’s OK, it doesn’t sound argumentative, you are just stating your experience. Can I ask you a couple of questions though? And I, hand-on-my-heart, am not wanting to create an argument or anything, just genuinely interested in your view:
At what age would you think it is OK to let a child leave the house (as an example of ‘free ranging’) or wander off without parental supervision?
If a child who you were responsible for, did come to any harm that could have been avoided if you hadn’t let them ‘free range’, would you feel responsible for their danger/harm in any way? And I’m talking bad things here, not just falling off the swing or anything.
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I am only a couple of years older than you,so we grew up in the same generation and can I just say that I would have never been allowed to walk to school etc on my own. My mum would even say things like “Look at that poor little boy/girl walking on their own” if we saw someone doing that. I have taught my son about stranger danger as I was taught about these things, however its not my son that I dont trust its the rest of the world. Its not always a stranger that could hurt them. It may be a friends parent who they know or anyone for that matter. A child should not be expected to protect themselves. That is what a good parent does.
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Who’s to say what makes a good parent? You cannot judge others for the way they raise their children, when you have no idea of the circumstances that effect their choices.
My younger brother, who has Down’s Syndrome, would frequently go on bear hunts. Particularly if we went camping, first thing he would do was go on a bear hunt while we set up the tent. At four he would take someone with him, wait for them to be ready. At five he just did it on his own. And we didn’t go looking for him unless it got dark because he always came back. The only time we’ve worried when he’s gone off on his own is when he’s done it in Sydney. But otherwise no problem. He’d come back for lunch or a snack and tell us all about some wild adventure.
Many people see a problem in the fact that we don’t make a scene when my brother goes missing, I’ve had many friends freak out over this when we just wait for him to come back. People may think my parents aren’t “good parents” for letting that happen. But my brother is soon to be 21, he’s well adjusted, well mannered, the perfect gentleman, and he deeply cares about others… so I don’t see that my parents did anything wrong.
You can’t claim to know what makes a good parent. Everyone is doing it their way and failing or succeeding on their own terms. There’s no manual to follow (and there shouldn’t be), you do the best you can and that’s all anyone can do. It’s nobody elses business how you choose to raise your own child.
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Dallas, I think Pinkgirl’s comments are very fair and reasonable. She is not proclaiming to know everything that makes a good parent – after all, who could ever know all these things?! If someone does, please, let me know what they all are!
Saying that she thinks it is a parents responisiblity to protect their child is completely valid. I think, if you took a poll, most parents primary goals would be to keep their children safe and happy.
You don’t have to be a helicopter parent to do that though and I don’t think that’s what Pinkgirl was saying.
Pinkgirl, your comment ‘A child should not be expected to protect themselves’ is, in my opinion spot on.
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I agree with you that her view is completely valid.
Though to what degree? They should be taught to protect themselves, know what to do in a bad situation. They need to know who to call, what action to take. It’s why you give a child rules/guidelines to follow. I’m not saying that parents shouldn’t protect their children, all I’m saying is that it’s important to raise a child with the ability to protect themselves. They are not going to learn anything if parents are always there to fight their battles.
Parents cannot be there for every bad situation.
Protect them when you can, but you have to teach them to protect themselves. Because you cannot be there 24/7, they have to learn to deal with the world themselves.
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I am all for giving my child awareness and tools to protect himself as he grows, but being that he is only 5, I am responsible for doing that for him at this stage in his life.
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‘Parents cannot be there for every bad situation’. I agree with you on this point. I also agree that teaching them what action to take and who to call when danger approaches is also an essential part of parenting. I don’t know of a single parent who wouldn’t teach their child these things. But if we are talking about ‘children’ here (and it seems we are), how can we expect that a ‘child’ will be strong enough, fast enough, smart enough in a dangerous situation to keep themselves out of harms way?
If a child was approached in a playground by a dangerous person, there is now way in hell they would have a chance to a) run away from an adult, b) make a phone call, c) fight back and win any physical confrontation.
I don’t think anyone was suggesting parents will be there 24/7 for their children. And of course, learning to protect themselves is a crucial part of their upbringing.
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If I let my son go off on his own or walk to his friends house and something happened to him eg he was abducted on the way, then I would feel responsible for letting that happen beacause I wasn’t there to protect him. I am not claiming to be the best parent in the world or anything, I am just saying that a good parent should try to protect their children as best as possible and if that means not letting them roam the streets then so be it.
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Couldn’t agree more
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Thank You1 At least someone agrees with me. I seem to be getting alot of debate on this topic.
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You wouldn’t let your child walk down the street alone for fear that something might happen to him, but you have no problem taking him in a car, in which it is literally 100 times more likely that he would be hurt or killed. How does this make you a good parent? Because you have no ability to compare risks?
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‘You cannot judge others for the way they raise their children’ you say.. and yet in a post above you say you are ‘appalled’ by ‘intense’ parenting these days.
Are you not judging these so-called ‘intense’ parents? How can you be ‘appalled’ by these parents when you, in your very own words ‘have no idea of the circumstances that effect their choices’? I can think of thousands of examples/experiences that a parent might face which would lead them to become an ‘intense’ parent (I wouldn’t actually use the word ‘intense’, just sticking to your original choice of words)
Seems you are being a little contradictory.
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Absolutely! Didn’t pick up on that one!
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“Granted my mother actually states she’s not a good mother. So she’s quite happy to leave children to their own devices”
Mine was the same. Working in the library as I did, i’d see parents with separate diaries for their kids activities, saying things like “Well Sean can come play on Tuesday till 5 when he has basketball and then flute…”.
My mother banned Boredom on the basis there was always something to do, and I spent many happy hours drawing, painting, exploring, writing, playing. I had one organised activity – Brownies – and the rest of my non school time was up to me. I think it gave me great skills in being happy with my own company as well as taking responsibility for myself.
Which is not to say my mum ignored me or anything like that, but if she was busy, she knew I’d be able to wander off and do something myself.
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Exactly. My Mum would be busy and we’d all go and do other things. My parents ran a Removals business and my brother and I would make tunnels through the house with boxes or we’d make cars/trains/boats out of them. And once we were finished with something we went and did something else, at no point did we ever run to our parents and say ask what else there was to do, we just moved on.
I had a vivid imagination as a kid, still do. So I was the same as you. I was more than happy to just sit down and do my own thing by myself.
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i’m the same age as you and we grew up with the same rules. i was allowed to go to the park and walk to school by myself or with my younger sister. we loved it. my parents taught us about ‘stranger danger’ and we were aware of the dangers but we were never in fear or scared someone was going to ‘take’ us. we never felt restricted and it was great growing up some freedom. just telling my story, not having a go at anyone =)
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The only downside is when you have to grow up and get a job. I miss those days of running around and doing whatever I felt like.
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I think Lenore’s argument is completely flawed by her main point – that crime rate has gone down. ‘Crime’ is a very general term an implies all sorts of criminal activity like burglary, petty theft, vandalism etc. It doesnt surprise me at all that ‘crime’ has gone down as technology and secutiry has advanced drastically over the years. It is only high volume crimes like this that have gone down – not paedophilia, child abduction and kidnapping.
I dont know too many parents who would read this and think ‘Crime is down, phew! I dont have to worry about leaving my child unsupervised in a public park after all. Silly me for ‘hovering’ over them all these years.’
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For starters, Lenore’s talking about US crime rates. Obtaining detailed info on Australian crime rates is quite difficult, I’ve tried. However, she makes the point in her book that rates of child sexual abuse and violence have stalled since the early 90s and in some states of the US are dropping.
You hear more about child abduction (or the attempted abductions, which if you want some perspective, google “white van myth” and see what the NSW Police have to say about it) because of the media cycle.
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That may be so but would anyone really base major parental decisions, like whether or not it is safe to leave a child unsupervised in a park, on the rise and fall of statistical crime rates? I’m just saying I think it dampens her whole argument, which is otherwise quite thought provoking.
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How does it dampen the argument? Does knowing that your child is many, many times more likely to be struck by lightning that abducted by a stranger not help you to make the decision to give them more freedom?
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haha! sounds awesome!
(but anyway of keeping pedophile off the pr list?)
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I don’t have kids but I think when I do I would like to be pretty free-range. However I know this is not the case because although I think I would be pretty relaxed when it comes to accidents, friends and germs I would be the massivist swooping in helicopter when it came to adult men hanging around them, leaving them to play outdoors on their own and creepy fathers of my child’s friends. The flu, twisted ankle or an annoying friend I could handle. Sex offenders I could not.
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You wouldn’t swoop if it came to adult women hanging around your children? Stranger danger should not be gender biased under any circumstances. There are plenty of women in the world who are just as bad.
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Sorry, yes and strange women. Of course.
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So are you going to stop all your male relatives and your children’s dad from having any contact with your kids???
You do realise that children are more likely to be harmed, molested, etc in their own home by some related to them than by a stranger.
Statistically you have more chance of winning the lottery than being abducted, murdered etc by a stranger
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Going by that theory and considering that in Australia 5.1% of males and in 27.5% of females have been sexually abused under the age of 16 I should probably be buying lottery tickets more often.
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Did you miss the word “stranger” in the above post? The vast majority of sexual abuse is committed by family members or friends. It’s not the creep in the park you should be worrying about.
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But don’t you think that being a “massivist swooping in helicopter” when your kids are outside, or around adult males, gives them the impression that being outside is a huge deal, and that all adult males are bad men?
and as for “creepy fathers of my child’s friends”…well, we can’t help our own suspicions I guess…the mothers of your child’s friends might just think that about your child’s dad…
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I think my the reactions here that I’ve worded what I said wrong. When I say I would be swooping in I mean I would be watching them like a hawk around unfamiliar adults (men AND women). And yes I do realise that most sexual abuse is from someone children know rather than a stranger- this is not new information to anyone! I’m just saying I would be extremely careful and watchful. And for god’s sake’s ‘if the mothers of my child’s friends might just think that about my child’s dad’ well that’s up to them. Better safe than sorry.
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I read Lenore Skenazy’s blog and find her and her ideas really inspiring. I feel like at the end of the day, what she’s challenging us to do is to stop being so fearful and media-manipulated, to get outside, let go a little, spend some time together and LIVE. And even more, to let our children live!
Listen – we have some degree of control over our lives but only a little. Accidents, hurt, loss and risk are a healthy part of a normal life, and more than anything are a part of love. We love our kids, and we don’t want anything to happen to them. It’s natural to protect them and I think we should be sensible when it comes to real dangers, and teach our kids how to look after themselves. But please don’t protect so much that you end up living (and teaching your kids to live) in fear! Do what you can to keep everyone safe and after that let go. I dare you to try relaxing a little and just maybe you’ll find that the world isn’t such a dangerous place after all…
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I agree, Nico. I don’t think she’s crazily free with her kids, but the stuff she’s let her kids do I did at the same age, like she nearly got lynched for letting her kid catch a train and bus previously! I was doing that every day to and from school when I was 10. And we used to catch all different buses and trains to mates houses and stuff. I appear to have survived…
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You know I’m not sure where I sit on this particular fence… but I did recently have to have a chat will Miss 8 about “not everyone in the world is nice” & how to tell if you didn’t feel comfortable in a situation.
How do you talk to an 8 yo without frightening her, or giving them information they may not be asking about or ready for ?. Any thoughts on how to tackle this would be appreciated.
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As you did – if she’s not comfortable, she should speak up. Or scream up if she wants to.
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I agree that it’s a hard line to walk – we’ve recently had discussions with Mr 8 and Miss 6 about the same sorts of things (‘not everyone is looking out for you’ and ‘THINK about what people say vs what you know to be true’). I don’t want to scare them, but I want to give them enough information to be able to act should they ever need to.
I don’t think I ‘helicopter’. I do have issues with trying to separate Mr 8, Miss 6 and Miss 3 as the 3yr old thinks she is able to do what the 8 year old is allowed to (have recently allowed him to play on the street – in our front ‘yard’, within a set of boundaries). This has been tricky for all of us, as we’ve just recently moved from out of town where the kids roamed free. We’re all missing their freedom! Some of it comes down to just a lack of road knowledge – they’re just not used to looking out for cars (it doesn’t really occur to them, as it wasn’t something they had to worry about before). We’re working on it!
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I’m not sure what kind of parent I’ll evolve into as my eldest is only 4 and it’s not really feasible to be dropping him at a park and coming back later. I’d like to think that I will give my kids some freedom and allow them to do things, but when they’re older and within reason. Just because you let your kids loose on the streets doesn’t mean you are doing the best thing for them.
I do, however, know what kind of parent I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be a parent that can never see when my child is in the wrong and I don’t want to be a parent who holds the reins so tightly that my children are forced to break free. I had a friend whose parents wouldn’t let her do so many things and needed to know where she was at all times. She still did all the things she wanted to anyway (we were late teens, early twenties) but just lied about it so her parents who thought they were totally in control were more clueless than anyone. I want my kids to feel they can tell me where they are going and what they are doing of their own volition.
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My best mate used to lie to her oldies all the time, climb out her window or let her bf in, the works. I never had to lie to Mum. People had this weird impression that my oldies were some kind of hippies. They weren’t by any means, but they trusted us to get on with things ourselves.
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My parents were started off free-range and got more helicopter-ish as we got older. Our experience was more like Kerry’s – a man tried to pull my little brother into a car when he was 6 from the front garden of our house. He only just managed to get away.
A group of boys also tried to force their way into my house when my friend and I were home alone after school (we were 11) – they had seen us get off the bus on our own and go in to the house. And our bustop was ridiculously close to our house, it was barely a 3 minute walk to go inside. We managed to stop them and my mum got home shortly after.
Both of those experiences changed the way my parents were with us (naturally) and have had an effect on the way I am with my kids.
I am happy for them to play at the park and all of that but I need to be able to see them at all times, and be within a reasonable distance. But they still play and make friends with other kids and have a good experience. I would never, ever leave them at the park on their own while they are children though.
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I’m with you on this one Angie. I don’t think it is sensible or responsible to say that the risk is worth it.
It. Is. Not.
I’m no helicopter when it comes to bumps and bruises and normal play, but I just couldn’t take the risk of leaving them completely unattended in a public place. I’d at least want to be – as you say – within a reasonable distance.
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OK Meg, you’ve been leaving messages all over about how the risk isn’t worth it so I ask you this: when? What age is a child able to be alone unsupervised?
If not eight, or ten, or twelve, when?
At some point kids get licences – the first time my daughter is by herself, responsible for her actions and the repressions for her action WILL NOT be when she drives off in a car by herself for the first time.
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Hmmm… I made 2 comments… I think the sting in the tail of your comment is a little unwarranted but anyhow…
Look, I don’t think this is something that we can stamp a uniform age on. What is sensible and suitable for one child in their community will be completely nonsenical for another child in a different place. My point is just this – you can be a little too careful, yes. But the stakes are higher and regrets run stronger for those who are careLESS!
I think Anonymous’ quote below of Richard Glover’s article in the SMH sums it up really.
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What about the risk of raising a child unable to make a decision for themselves? A child unable to assess their own safety and take steps to ensure it? The risk of raising a child who in a few years time will be out at parties, the shops, the movies, and will be completely unable to stand up for themselves if things get a bit rowdy because you’re not there? Or are you planning to ALWAYS be there? Always? At what stage will be they be allowed out on their own? 16? 18? 21? 30? When?
I think you’re risking a dangerous life for a perceived lack of risk right now.
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I fully intend allowing my children space and freedom to make decisions for themselves and look after themselves as well, thank you. Allowing them out on their own will be something that I will assess and permit as they grow up, depending on the circumstances and on how ready they are to handle the given situation.
I don’t recall saying anything about never letting them out on their own until they’re in their late teens… I just intend being as careful and sensible as I can without smothering them.
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This is a fair point. I have had a friend raise this with me recently actually. She was so free-range it wasn’t funny. Her story was pretty inspiring actually – when she was 7 she was allowed to start catching the bus herself to particular places to start learning how to handle herself.
When she was 13 she was going into town in the early evening to meet a drama group she was in when in an alley behind the performance centre she was accosted by a dodgy guy who asked her what colour undies she was wearing. She confronted him, loudly and told him it was none of his business and to f*ck off! He did. She was fine and used it as an example to teach children to take responsibility for their own safety. I should add that this friend is physically tiny – about 45 kgs and just looks like a gorgeous doll. But she has oodles of confidence and self assurance and has looked after herself as a single girl over the years in Washington DC, Cambodia, Laos and many other places.
I’ll be seeking her advice more on this when my kids are older, but for now (at 5 and 2) I think I have a little time!
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Totally agree. How scary for your parents and you that those things happened.
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Hurray for Free-range.
My daughters are one and five, so while I was planning to take them to the park as part of this day, I wasn’t going to leave them there by themselves! Jas will need to be eight before I’ll do that.
I was nine when I first organised a trip to the movies all by myself, took the bus, went to the movie, had lunch and went home all without parental supervision.
Lenore is a breath of fresh air. The fact that her book is still without a publisher here in Australia is ludicrous!
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I don’t know if I’m a helicopter parent. Sure I supervise my girls (ie make sure they I can see them at all times) when out, at the park etc (not at home) but I don’t really think this is being overprotective – I’m not willing to pay the ultimate price with my kids, even though stats say I won’t.
I was not allowed down the street, to the park, at the front etc on my own either for a very long time (until 10ish I think ie basically when I understood a lot more eg time, direction, being aware, stranger danger etc, I’ll probably wait until then too) and I think I turned out fine (minus my obvious dysfunctions). My parents didnt want to pay a high price either and I get it even though all my friends were running around everywhere (boy was I jealous of them lol).
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I think with things like this theres gotta be some kid of common sence involved… dont take your five year old daughter to a park shes never been to and leave her by herself for the morning- When I was in my childhood (early 90′s) I went to the local park with my older brother and sister about 5 mins walk from my house mum told us to be home at a certain time look out for each other and made sure my sister was wearing her watch so we could come home in time. She would have been about 9 – me about 6, my brother 7
Even in hindsight I dont see anything wrong with this- though we did live in a tightknit community and we always felt safe without our parents. Having said that I wouldnt go by myself until I was about 10 so I guess it depends on the age of the kids and how many and the area.
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I was a free range kid, I doubt my mum knew where I was half the time. We were sent to the corner shop daily to buy smokes (not for me, clearly) and allowed to roam when and where we wanted.
And I would have swapped it all for a helicopter parent, as I often felt uncared for and unlistened to.
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I feel fairly similar to you but I think there should be a happy medium. Mothers shouldn’t neglect their children but I think that mothers these days are often too protective.
You have to let the children make mistakes on their own but always support and care for them and actually BE around! It is one thing to actually have a child and quite another to be a mother. Some mothers assume the title comes as soon as the child is born… some of the greatest mothers don’t even have children!
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Very true, Rose. Parenting is hard and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up too much about it. do what is right for you and your children. We (parents and kids) are all different.
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I am far less ‘helicopter’ than I thought I would be as a parent. I was given a ‘free-range’ upbringing, and to be honest, I have only two strong memories; one being the smell of dog poo that I stood in, and secondly – everyone who is over 40 will smile – fireworks and bonfires!!!!
I had this conversation with another parent just recently. It is my belief that you need to give your kids a chance to figure out what is wrong and what is right in this world without being too over-involved. For instance, if they have a toxic friend, I think they should find it out firsthand (whilst I’m aware) – My son, wouldn’t go to the toilet at our local restaurant by himself last weekend because there was a ‘weird man’ there the time prior. Good on him for telling me – clearly all toilet visits will now be supervised. I think that I have given my kids a bit of independence, yet they also know what is and not appropriate. We live inner-city in a major capital that appears safe, yet it’s good to know when our kids don’t feel safe and that they say something about it.
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I’m early thirties and I remember fireworks and bonfires. Loved firecracker night.
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Same – 35 and I still miss cracker night! That was the best night ever! Kids of today are missing out.
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Toilets – urgggh. I won’t let my son (6) going into the men’s room when it’s just me and my toddler with him. I take all of us into the ladies room or the disabled toilets, usually because i have a pram as well.
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Penguin, you are quite right…..young boys should always be accompanied to public toilets by their dad (if it’s a mens’ toilet) or taken to the ladies toilets if only mum is around. Just sensible protection because you really don’t know who might be around a mens’ toilet.
Even womens’ public toilets can be a bit risky and it’s best to go with another female.
If a dad is with his young daughter he should ask a mum with a child to take his daughter (need a bit of trust here).
I’m surprised that there is no public education about this issue. Having worked in the area of Sexual Assault I am too aware of what has happened to both males and females and young and old in the vicinity of public toilets.
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I don’t have kids of my own and I can understand what Lenore is saying and yes I stayed out until the street lights came on and walked to school and to the shops on my own but even if you trust your kids, how can you put trust in strangers to not to kidnap or hurt your child?
I would love nothing more than to believe that kids will be safe playing in the park unsupervised or in the front yard or walking to the shops, on a bus, or train etc but they aren’t and your putting your kids at risk. There has to be some kind of adult supervision.
How would you feel if a child who came to play with your child was taken whilst you were supposed to be watching? I don’t want to be a negative nelly but gone are the days when you could let children do their own thing without supervision – its sad but true. Give them some room to play with their friends but check on them frequently.
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With all due respect, I think it’s sufferers of ‘Mean World Syndrome’ like yourself that are forcing Lenore Skenazy into her uphill battle. “Gone are the days when you could let your children do their own thing without supervision”? “How can you put trust in strangers not to kidnap or hurt your child” Seriously! Child abduction and abuse by strangers is incredibly rare (although it gets a lot of attention when it happens); kids are more likely to be harmed by someone they know and trust.
A world in which we look at every other person with suspicion, and teach our children to do the same, while making sure they don’t do anything perceived as even remotely dangerous “just in case”, is not going to be a very nice place for our children, or their children. Assuming, of course, they manage to survive the treacherous waters of childhood without being snatched, raped or murdered…
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I don’t think it’s really a matter of being alarmist and teaching your children to be so as well. It’s more just being careful and keeping your eyes open on their behalf as far as I’m concerned.
Of course abductions and this kind of crime are very rare, but it does happen. Heck – take the famous case of the Beaumont kids. Adelaide was considered one of the safest, quietest, most community-minded places to raise a family at the time. Statiscis don’t matter when it happens to you!
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But this is exactly the point – you’re using an example that is 44 years old! It’s by teaching our children that the world is mean that we make it all the meaner. I choose to believe that most people are generally good. Children are at their highest risk inside your home.
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Sure Meg but I hope you agree there’s a huge difference between “stranger danger” and “strangers are dangerous”! Statistics always happen to someone. I think one of the biggest dangers of ‘just in case’ overprotectionism is that when someone is a victim of a horrible crime, instead of acknowledging that these things are generally unpredictable, unpreventable and could have happened to anyone, some of the blame is put on the victim (or the victim’s parents)… We can only do so much. Relax!
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PS exactly Alison!
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Of course! If you see my earlier comment, I thought it was clear that I wasn’t for alarmism (ie. “strangers are dangerous”). .
I only commented because I felt that Anonymous had a valid point that adult supervision is important.I don’t agree with the “gone are the days…” bit – that’s why I mentioned the Beaumont case.
I’m not placing blame. These things are tragedies, and so for the majority of the population who are decent, nice people, let’s prevent it as much as we can and care for one another and one another’s kids – which we do. That’s why my kids will be allowed out on their own once they’re old enough to look out for each other and have at least some concept of stranger danger.
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I don’t consider myself to be a helicopter parent, but there’s no way in hell that i would drop my girls off at a park and say see ya at the end of the day..no way in hell!..to me this is completely irresponsible parenting..they can be free to roam in the backyard where there is no risk of harm..when i was a child, i had freedom as a child to rollerblade on the streets and ride my bike but there’s no way i was just dropped off at a park unsupervised…
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I was free range man !!!
She was walking herself home from school & letting herself into an empty house from when she was about 9. Brett grew up in the country so he was really relaxed, and I just took on that relaxed vibe – we let her walk to the local shops, play in the park, do all the stuff I did when I was a kid & I was the biggest drop and run mum at b’day parties (couldn’t stand those things)!
I did lots of work talking to her about strangers, but at the same time tried not to put the fear of god into her. How many kids actually get snatched off the street? (Risk Assessment = Low)
As she became a teenager I was equally free range : “you wanna go to a rave in the boondocks? go for it – call me if you have any problems – MWAH” (and she always did – a 2am phone call is never going to be good, but it’s ‘probably’ gonna be fixable)
I always tried to focus on Risk Assessment – with a lean towards ‘probabliity’ rather than ‘possibility’ – yes it’s ‘possible’ that something could go wrong (anything is ‘possible’) – but how ‘probable’ is it?
Miss19 has made some mistakes (doozies) and she has gotten herself into some sticky situations (who hasn’t?) – but she’s street smart, and switched on – there’s not much she can’t handle – in 6 inch heels!
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man, i love you. can i have you as a mum pretty please??
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Awwww thanks dani – that’s exactly what her friends say !!
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I’ll settle for having you as a mentor.
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Awwwwww x infinity to the power of blushing !! MWAH
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Thats how I am bringing up my kids now. Mr 17 went to a music festival in Maitland last weekend. caught the train from Sydney on Friday, went to the festival and came home Sunday night.He and his friends arranged their own accomodation, knew what trains to catch what time to be at the station, they even figured out that they would have to leave the festival 1 hour early to catch the last train of the night. I have brought up a happy confident kid who can get himself from one side of Sydney to the other using public transport etc. He has been doing it since he was 14. On the other hand he still has friends his age who have never caught public transport and would not know how to get themselves home without a car even if their life depended on it.
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That’s interesting. My 19-year-old went to that festival last year and did the same. She and her friends organised all the trains etc, but found it hard to get back until 4am because of said bus/train connections, plus the fact that the only driver in her gorup was not allowed to take them home because of the P-plate rule about not having others in the car after 11pm. She did text me to say that she was delayed, so I didn’t worry.
However, she found it fun and her main comment was that she thought it was awful that so many people were off their faces at the festival with drugs that she wondered why they bothered going (they obviously missed most of the music). She enjoyed the music, but doesn’t see the need to go again.
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Good for you ! He went to Groovin The Moo (see I even sound like I know what I’m talking about!) did have an awesome time ??
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I am jealous! Groovin the Moo would have been awesome.
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Sounds great. Mine are only 11 and 9 but this is what I’m planning too, and we’re well on our way there. They’ll get mobiles in high school and some freedom after school to hang out at friends’ houses. At some later stage, there’ll be clubs and raves, and I completely agree – the 3am phone call is infinitely preferable to getting stuck/getting in a car with somebody not sober.
Completely agree re birthday parties – same goes for netball training. I drop them, tell them to get a lift home or walk, and drive off. They’ve managed it every time.
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You know what Alison I am so glad I was open to her going to raves (and parties) in her teens … everyone thinks their kids aren’t going to raves BUT there are hundreds (sometimes thousands) of teenagers (as young as 12 & 13) at each and every underground and above ground rave … so where are all those teenagers coming from if nobody’s kids are going to them ?
Once I asked Miss19 something about her friends parents, I dont even remember what it was but she gave me the funniest look and said “are you kidding? my friends don’t tell their parents the truth about where they’re going”
It may not be the popular way to go … but I always knew where my kid was … and she wasnt afraid to call me if something went haywire (anything – I am always the first call) … without saying too much and inflaming a debate (that is not my intention) … one of the main reasons that Anna Wood died was because she and her friends were scared they would get into trouble if their parents found out what they were doing (read the book).
If I can just say one more thing to all parents of teens – and then I’ll bail – Drugs are much more available to your children than alcohol (and cheaper) – PLEASE get yourselves educated – ecstacy / speed / ice / GHB / pot – are not going away, and keep a watch out for meow meow. IMHO drugs are much bigger threats to your kids wellbeing and safety than anything else.
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And make sure they know that ambos and hospitals are there to help them, not get them into trouble! If any shit does go down, to NEVER be scared to call 000 or get to an emergency ward ASAP, and DON’T LIE. They’re not the cops, and they won’t call the cops. Yeah, they’ll probably call your oldies, but you’ll get over it.
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They also need to realise that they’re not helping anyone by pretending that the friend who is currently have some sort of seisure has just had “a couple of beers”. The ambulance and hospital staff are not stupid, and based on what I’ve heard from friends on nursing pracs, they usually have some idea what your friend is likely to have ingested, but they can treat people much, much more effectively if they know for sure. They’re also not going to believe that “her drink was spiked” when you come in with a friend who’s clearly had a bad reaction to something like pot, because there are only a cimparitively small number of things that drinks get spiked with, and pot isn’t one of them.
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Couldn’t agree more TRS. Both my kids are music hounds and love concerts, they have been going to under 18s gigs for the last three years. Often those gigs are early evenings, or a Blue Light gig or even run in local churches. On occasions parents of my kids have taken them and their friends to gigs in pubs (under 18 gigs) and ensured they got home safely.
For my daughter’s birthday I bought her a ticket to an under 18 gig at the Olympic Park in late May. She’s going with friends, it’s alcohol free, and I’ll probably pick them up late at night after having a night out with my own girlfriends. They are all alert to the dangers, I have their parent’s numbers on speed dial and we are all clued into the drug taking and music scene and they know it. Once I shocked my son by describing a friend’s erratic behaviour as ‘munted’. My son said, “yeah, he probably was. How did you know?’ As if they’re the only generations who have ever experimented.
My kids know that the absolute WORST thing they can ever ever do is lie to me. I’ve really drummed it into them. They are sometimes quite fearful but they always tell and it’s lead to some great developments and I’ve been able to back up their trust in me by supporting them 100%. It will absolutely save them when the chips are down. My kids would have no hesitation in calling me in the middle of the night and saying, “I’m in trouble, come get me” I can’t stress enough how important it is to develop that trust even if you don’t agree with their behaviours or choices.
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Oh LPC that’s funny – you’ve got to keep up with the lingo don’t you … and you’re on the ball with munted … we also like off chop!
Your daughter will have a ball – is it a rave? Charli went to a few there and they are so well run, brilliant security etc …
She went back to a friends place after one of them one night and I hadn’t heard from her in the morning … she knew she had to check in … so I rang her phone and heard a mans voice saying “Security” … oh god, my heart dropped …
She had lost her phone the and someone handed it in !! hahaha unheard of !
check out website pillreports.com – you can get a good educatin there too.
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couldn’t agree more TRS.
My kids are 11 & 9, and the amount of conversations we have had about drugs, parties, raves, concerts, sex… endless. We don’t have ‘the talk’ we have talks when the topic arrises, like the other night Miss9 saw an ad for Juno on TV she asked me if teenagers can really have babies just like that… yes, was my reply.. then followed a conversation about sex and protection, and what would happen if she got pregnant when she was a teenager… confronting yes, necessary, yes, initiated and lead by my daughter, yes. I want my kids to know, not from the school yard myths but real, factual information from me.
My kids already know that when they are older & going out they can call me any time, in any situation and we will work it out. I’d much rather get a call from my kids saying I’ve done something stupid, come get me than from the hospital.
We can’t bury our heads in the sand and think that our kids wont do things… what we need to do is make sure they have the skills and knowledge to be able to handle themselves when they get into those situations…
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I agree with the above too. My eldest is only 6 and she already knows where babies come from, how they are born etc. it helped having another baby last year to feed her curiosity. I found it a lot easier to talk to her about it than my teenage stepkids cause they found everything funny and or embarressing. If they are old enough to ask they are old enough to know… to an extent ofcourse. the whole issue around drugs terrifies me and I hope I can have the sort of relationship with my kids where they will always be open with me and we can talk about the dangers involved with honesty and the understanding that if they do find themselves in trouble I will be the person they turn to, not away from.
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I’d say I had a pretty free range childhood, we would go outside first thing in the morning and spend all day playing with the neighbourhood kids – we all had big front lawns and garages and back gardens, not to mention a cul de sac perfect for bike riding and a park just down the lane. We’d play until the sun set and then go inside, have dinner, go to bed, wake up and do it all over again. I think you learn all sorts of resilience from this kind of childhood, and time without the hovering can only be a good thing right?
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I roller skated up and down my street too. And my sister and I were sometimes left alone in the house alone for short periods. On one of these occasions, when my sister was alone, aged about 9, a man broke into the house ‘looking for drugs’. She was intensely traumatised.
I was allowing my own kids to roam free one day when my daughter fell off a high wall onto concrete. On her head. We were thisclose to tragedy.
Just two examples, I know, but I’m never critical of people who want to protect their kids.
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Hey Kerri, I always enjoy your point of view. Have you had any chats about family/stranger danger with your kids – how did you approach it.
regards,
Deb.
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Hi Deb, thanks so much for valuing my opinion!
Yes, I’ve had many discussions with my kids about stranger danger and obviously it’s SO hard to balance the need to instil caution with the desire not to instil fear.
I do it casually, but frequently. I explain that most people in the world are really good and nice, but there are some people who are not nice, and may want to be mean to kids (I don’t like to say ‘hurt’ because I think it’s too scary). I tell them that it’s fine to talk to mums who are with their kids, or to shopkeepers, but that they shouldn’t talk to any other adults they haven’t met before, EVEN if the adult tells them they know them, just in case. I tell them that if someone they haven’t met tries to talk to them they should walk away, and if someone tries to grab them they are to yell and run to the nearest mum with a child or shopkeeper. I’ve also made them practice yelling ‘NO!’ because predators are most likely to prey on vulnerable kids who don’t fight back.
I hope this helps!
K x
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Many thanks, it does actually. We also have the ‘no secrets’ policy – you can have surprises, but no secrets from mum & dad, in the hope that if someone wanted to groom them by saying “it’s our secret” – Miss 8 would say, as I have heard her “oh no, we don’t keep secrets in our family”. d
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I like to think I’m a cross between. My boys are allowed to play out the front without my supervision and we know our neighbours so they are constantly running between houses playing after school and weekends.
They’re not ready to go to the park by themselves yet as they haven’t demonstrated on a consistent basis all the road safety rules (looking both ways, make sure nothing is coming)they still sometimes forget or become distracted.
I think it would be cool to have a National Neighbourhood Street Party day giving cautious community members the invitiation to meet their neighbours!
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Our street has a neighboorhood party every December. Unfortunately the kids we did know have moved but there is some in the street behind us that are the same age so thats great. But I would never let my kids go alone. even my step kids which were 12 and 14 last year were not allowed to go to the park without me. I’m in no way a helicopter parent probably a cross inbetween too. but my kids have been brought up to play happily by themselves and have never been too clingy thankgoodness as we have had various nannies and babysitters throughout the years so they are happy to be looked after by anyone. ofcourse I only hire people with references and police checks but I feel lucky that we can go out when I know some parents that can’t leave their kids with anyone as they are so clingy.
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You won’t let a 14 yearold go to the park alojne? REALLY?
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replying to both comments… They are not my kids, they are my step kids. and their mother already hates me enough and blames me for everything so the last thing i need is for something to happen to them on my watch, but not watching. This was last year and they are now 13 and 15 and they seem to have grown a lot in the last year so i’m not as protective. If you had seen the petty things i have been blamed for in the past you might understand
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I am just curious, what is your fear about sending your 12 and 14 year olds to the park alone?
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My daughter is only 15 months old and I do idealise that I will allow her to be mother nature’s child running to the call of the wild. But the reality is I am getting my helicopter licence.
My childhood involved certain adult free activites ie: being allowed to go around the block, to the park, walk to and from school and to the empty fields near our home. But as mentioned by other entries here; always in a group and we knew the people in our neighbourhood.
Further to this topic….
Conversation Hour with Richard Fidler – Richard Louv – Author of “Last Child in the Woods” coined the phrase ‘Nature Deficit Disorder’about the trend of children spending less time outdoors resulting in various problems.
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Hooray!
Finally someone mentioned the great outdoors. Well done Otters Friend. Normally I flcik through these blogs and dont comment but this one has caught my attention and I hae red every post so far.
The focus of opinion seems to have centred on the dangers of paedophiles and falling on concrete. What about taking your kids beyond urbanity and teaching them about the WIDER world they live in. Teaching them how to swim so they dont drown when they are allowed out on their own or ensuring they WALK to said park so they are fit and strong enough to dodge diabetes and heart disease as an adult.
I know I am slightly off topic here and that to be fair most people probably have to make the best (as I do) of what greenspace is available in an urban environment. But really, if you live in Sydney which is bounded by coast and national park there really is no excuse.
I currently have Richard Louvs book on order from Amazon. For me the thought of a generation of children growing up is more of a real concern than the risk of abduction.
Has been a very intereasting read so far…!
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I didnt prrof read that, so apologies for the typos and I meant “a generatoin of children growing up with nature deficit disorder” (as coined by Louv)
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Does anyone remember Neighbourhood Watch? And being taught about houses with signs on their letterboxes that meant they were a safe house? We were allowed slightly more freedom than today but less than the 60s/70s, I think — Mum had to know where we were but at least she could be confident that we knew the people in our street, knew where they lived, and would be able to knock on their front door if we were afraid or in danger.
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Safety House’s are still around. We have a yellow Safety House sign on our letter box.
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Yes they are still around but no body has done an audit on the people living there for years now. No one checks the background of owners when a house is sold and new people move it.
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That’s alarming, Angela. I’m on the safety house committee in my area and we audit our houses (face to face interview) every 6 months. As soon as a house is up for sale, their Safety House signage is removed. If the new owners want to become a Safety House then they need to apply and have police checks, etc…
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In my area there are 5 houses around me that have all had new owners in the last 4 years. I know for a fact that even though they all still have the signs on their letter boxes none of them have ever been checked.
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That’s bad, Angela, and makes a mockery of the whole system.
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I was a free range kid, and I’m totally raising my own the same way. Of course there are differences: I grew up in tiny little country town, and my kids are growing up on the NSW central coast. So I’m quite aware of being, well, quite aware, but I don’t hover. While we’re at home, they can roam and explore and do their own thing, as long as they don’t go on the road. At the park, I sit under a tree and read a book while they play. If they fall and break their arm, then we deal with it. But they’re KIDS. They need to run and explore and play. They need to get bumps and bruises and they need to know that if they climb the highest tree, the view may be fantastic, but the fall will be spectacular and painful as well. It’s the way they learn about life.
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good stuff. hope i can be so chilled when im a mum!
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Is anyone else having trouble with the audio on the video?
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It’s a fabulous idea but I can’t imagine how parents would acheive this without completely freaking out.
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My son was about 10 before he began to show signs of wanting to be more independent.
Now he will go to the park by himself and the younger child and I will go to the shops and meet him there later if we need to.
I don’t like to leave them there together as the younger one is still a bit young but I am happy for Mr 11 to be there with his skate/scooter mates on his own. he never knows when I’ll be there so has to keep his helmut on just in case!
I don’t remember being taken to the park when I was a kid although I’m sure that I was. We had a huge backyard so were expected to just play there and in the neighbourhood.
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It’s an interesting topic and one I struggle with quite a bit. I try to give them a good amount of freedom eg. walk to the shops together (2 roads, no crossing lights). My husband is far too free in my opinion. One day I asked where the kids were and he had sent them across the road TO THE BEACH on their own. I nearly had a freaking heart attack. He hasn’t done that again. Yes I’m probably too protective but I’m trying to let go. Baby steps.
I myself had a much freer childhood but there were far fewer cars on the road, much more places to play, much bigger gardens and as I recall quite a few more broken limbs. You rarely see kids on crutches these days – it was rare not to have a few kids in your school on crutches in the 70′s/80′s.
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Richard Glover wrote this brilliant piece in the SMH a few weeks back. This is one of the more balanced and humorous takes on the subject I have seen in a while.
“Who’d be a parent, eh? There are no perfect ones. In fact, they come in two mirror-image types. One lot loll around with a heroin needle in their arm while their kids run amok, while the other half overparent, robbing their kids of their selfhood.
The current attack on modern parents is one of the oddest things I’ve seen. For once, a generation has taken parenting seriously. In the Australian mainstream, both men and women throw themselves into it. Most spend large amounts of time with their children. They love and cherish them. They try really hard to do a good job.
Spending time with your children is suddenly defined as “helicopter parenting”, hovering so as to crush their spirit. Being cautious about risk is defined as “robbing them of their freedom”. And giving them love and support is “a damaging culture of unearned praise”. There’s a smugness about the attacks as if to say: “Don’t they realise how easy parenting is? In my day … ”
Pandering to this view, the publishing world is now full of rosy portraits of growing up in the 1950s or ’60s where kids had their freedom, taking pot-shots with air rifles, whooshing down creeks on home-made rafts — the product of wise parents who understood risk and knew how to give kids the freedom to explore.
I’m sure that childhood existed for many but it’s not my memory. I had the air rifle, that’s true, and at age eight or nine I would cycle to a creek where some kids constructed a raft from old oil drums and tried to make it float. But I also remember the separateness of a ’60s childhood. A lot of parents — not all — were quite disengaged. They didn’t “give kids their freedom”; they just weren’t that interested in their roles as parents.
Most, for example, would never turn up to watch the school football match; mine certainly didn’t. You’d cycle there, play the game and cycle home. Music practice would happen once a week and would involve cycling to some strange house smelling of cabbage where one would be simultaneously felt up and taught Chopin.
The feeling up is an important part of the story, for as much as modern parents are mocked for their sense of caution, the truth is that things did go wrong for the children of the disengaged parents of the ’50s and ’60s.
There were paedophiles in the bushes and out-of-control priests in the churches and gangs in the schoolyard. And when things did go wrong, there was no culture of intimacy and trust between parent and child that allowed the child to tell and the parent to believe.
Of course, it’s hard to get the right balance. Among today’s parents, there are some who overdo the praise, greeting each art-class scrawl as the work of van Gogh. And there are misguided parents who always take their child’s side, arguing the toss with school or police, even when the child is in the wrong.
What I don’t understand is the delight people take in attacking young parents; and the overly rosy way they remember the parenting of the past — as if today is all bad and yesterday was all good. Sometimes there is so much passion in the attacks, I wonder if people are simply envious. Do they watch these modern children getting love and attention and wonder why they didn’t deserve the same? Do they hear the unearned praise and remember the knee-jerk reaction to any child’s achievement in the 1960s: “That’s all very well but don’t get too big for your boots.”
OK, maybe the psychological theory is a stretch. It’s probably simpler: each generation believes its way is the only way.
If so, can I suggest a truce? If modern parents are to be routinely attacked for their failures, can we have some admissions on the other side? First up, many parents in the past took unacceptable risks with their children. In doing so, they weren’t consciously “giving them their freedom”; they were just otherwise engaged.
Second, while the world of 2010 is not as dangerous as modern parents believe, the world of the ’60s was not as benign as was supposed at the time. Things did go wrong and the price for a freewheeling childhood was paid unequally. If you had the freedom and never came unstuck — were never abused, never badly injured — thank your lucky stars but don’t act as if the price was not paid by others who were not so charmed.
And, finally, let’s admit that this generation of parents is attacked whatever it does.
Today’s parents are either controlling their kids too much or controlling them not enough — the crowd of denouncers hardly drawing breath between their two modes of attack.
It’s a strange world where you have to defend passionate, engaged motherhood and fatherhood.”
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What a wonderful piece.
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I agree.
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Anonimous, thak you very much, great piece, love ooxx
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I agree with lots of your points Anonymous. When I wrote below that I spent whole days at the creek & stayed out in the street till dark at night, I nearly added that there was a fair bit of wine drinking happening at home, and part of the reason for our freedom was disengagement.
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What a great piece. I don’t feel so guilty, or as confused, about my own “over-parenting” now. It is such a fine line, you want to give your kids the freedom to play on their own, but at the same time be there to protect them. And more than anything, I do enjoy being with my kids (most of the time!) and want to have an active role in their lives and various activities, does this make me a “helicopter”?
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That is brilliantly written and gives great perspective.
It seems as though we talk ‘opposite ends of the spectrum’ quite a bit – on a variety of topics … always using the most radical examples to justify our beliefs & actions.
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such a well written piece and so very true. i had great parents and we had a great life but i don’t remember lots of affection.
i have often wondered about this ‘rose coloured glasses’ view. so many new mothers get told ‘it was never this hard when i did it, we just got on with it’ or things along those lines, but maybe people have forgotten how hard those first few weeks and months are.
this really gives it so much perspective for me. i would never leave my children at the park all day, at 4,3 and 1 year i think family services would be called! that doesn’t make me a bad parent, i just want my children to know i am there for them. they can play by themselves, but children need the security of knowing they are being looked after.
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Thanks for this article anonymous, it’s brilliant. I’ve been accused so often of being “soft” on my kids because I try to talk to them about behaviour I don’t like instead of just punishing/shouting (I say ‘try’, it doesn’t always work ). It still amazes me how people who wouldn’t dream of commenting on any other aspect of my life think it’s perfectly ok for them to criticise the way I parent.
Vindication came from 13yo son the other day, when he told me that all he worries about with {siginifcant_person_x} who relies solely on shouting/punishing is making sure X doest find out about any transgressions. Son told me that, because he understand why I have a problem with something he may do/say, he’s more likely to think about it when I’m not around.
I don’t think this is going to stop him ever getting into trouble, but I do think that it will help, as will the fact that he knows he can talk to me and that telling me the truth about something will not have negative consequences.
As for the park thing, I have done it occasionally in recent years but only when I leave our dogs with them. Also, if they want to go to shop etc I usually tell them to take a dog. Good for the dogs and my peace of mind!
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thanky you! fabulous article and soo true! it’s almost like parents nowdays have to apologise for loving their kids so much that we want to make sure they are safe and happy and involved in their lives..
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Anonymous, thank you.
I am all for free-range parenting but cetainly not in favour of disengaged parenting.
Very interesting perspective.
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I am more than a helicopter parent. I am an A380. We could live at the airport really because my husband is as bad as me. My child, in turn, is happy, confident, self assured and responsible.
When he has children he will probably leave them at the park for a month.
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Likewise Lana. Each to their own on this topic. Our parenting style is shaped by our own experiences. And based on my own, I’m keeping a watchful eye on my offspring.
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hilarious! A380 – love it!
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“crime rates down”. Statistics mean nothing if your child is the one that gets harmed.
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Or dies in a car accident, right?
I’d hazard a guess that the chances of your child dying while in a car with you personally as the driver is far, far, far, far higher than kidnapping by a random stranger from a park while your back is turned.
Yet you probably think nothing of putting your child in the car but feel the need to highlight dramatically that your child could get harmed at the park. That makes no sense whatsoever, except that your fear is based on media horror.
What about hot dogs? Total chocking hazard. Kids sometimes choke to death on hot dog bits. I could on, right?
Free range is about realistic risk assessment. The chances of your child being stolen are low. Sure, loss of a child from car accident, kidnapping or that one last grape is horrible.
However: Get a grip!
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Don’t forget to play nice once you get to the park.
No fighting (and no pushing into the queue for the swings)
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Your child is more likely to be harmed by SOMEONE YOU KNOW IN YOUR OWN HOUSE than any where else on the planet.
more than likely by someone who is related to you.
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I have fond memories of my childhood, running around the neighbourhood, riding bikes on the road, street cricket. BUT, our neighborhood was one where EVERYONE knew EVERYONE! I realise now that we probably had 3 parents watching us at any one time. Or at least knew where we were. We also lived in a small country town, in a cul-de-sac. So there weren’t any real traffic problems as such.
I now have 2 children and regularly take them to the park. I am quite happy to let my 3 yo run and play while I sit on the grass and watch. Most of the time I think he forgets I’m there. I guess my style of parenting would not be helicopter. But as long as I can see him.. we’re good.
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I was the same as a child and a parent Nic, I would never leave my kids at the park to play unsupervised, even though as a kid I was allowed to stay there alone with my sister for a few hours from the age of about 9.
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I am part free range/part hoverer – I do take my kids to the park – but I stay in the vicinity – there is no way I would leave them at a park/public place without watching them – they are 6 and 4 years old for goodness sake!! My kids have free range at home – out in the back yard – sometimes the whole free range thing seems to be a little bit of lazy parenting?
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My upbringing was pretty free range in the suburbs of Sydney. It was playing at the creek for a whole day, or playing out in the street till everyone was called in as it got dark.
I do a ‘helicopter’/'free range’ combo with my kids. Truth be told I would drop my school age kids at the park to play for a while. BUT I live in a village of 500 people. They know the people across the road etc etc. Every situation is different.
I know that in my community, the families that have childen going to the local (tiny) school are far more likely to do this than the families with kids who go to schools in the next town. I think this is because if the kids go to the local school they often walk to & from, they walk to the local pool for their school swimming lessons, they walk to friends houses for after school play. They know who lives where, who’s friendly and approachable and so on. I think that all this practice makes you more comfortable with your kids doing things independantly. I’m not going to pretend that my approach would be the same if I lived somewhere else though.
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Aaaaacccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess I’m more hover than I thought.
No, actually, to be honest I’ve been aware for quite some time that I don’t give my children anywhere near as much freedom as I had. I’ve been trying for about the last year to get my 8.5 year old son to be a little more… independent? Not sure if that’s the right word. Trying to make him understand, for example, that he doesn’t NEED to hold my hand while we walk down the street if he doesn’t want to. Although on the flip side, for about the last six months he has been noticing kids his own age running around in shops, yelling out and generally being obnoxious and after we’ve walked past them he has (more than once) turned to me and said “you’ve never let me run in the shops mum. I’m glad.”
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My 8 1/2 year old boy insists on holding my hand everywhere too!
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I’m starting to really like it now that I can see he grabs hold of my hand because he actually wants to hold my hand instead of just out of habit or because I always made him do it. I figure I’ve only got a very short time left when he will willingly take my hand or give me a hug and kiss at school!
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Absolutely. Enjoy it while it lasts, your son sounds like a really sweet little man, I feel blessed that my son is who he is, wouldn’t change the way he is for the world.
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My brother held mum’s hand in public until he was about 14…! My poor 16-year-old self was mortified to be seen with them
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Very cute little boy you have. Enjoy the hand holding. There will come a come when you’ll be wishing it back!
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It’s raining here but i’ve popped a raincoat on my three year old and will drop her off at the park for the whole day.
“the risk is small and worth taking, as it always has been”
But the COST of that risk, if all goes wrong, is the ultimate cost. I think the decision needs to be made on a child-by-child basis, dependent on age and personality, and with appropriate boundaries.
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Seriously, no one is suggesting leaving a three year old at the park for the whole day. Lenore herself puts a lower limit of (I think) eight years old.
Get a grip.
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I’m aware of that, an idle dad. My tongue was in my cheek. As i said “the decision needs to be made on a child-by-child basis, dependent on age and personality, and with appropriate boundaries.”