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It’s a single mother’s worst nightmare: the idea of a man faking a romantic interest in her to access her children. So he can sexually abuse them.
This is the latest technique being used by pedophiles and Australian police have issued a formal warning to single mothers.
They’re urging single mothers to limit the amount of personal information they put on the internet.
Don’t mention your single-mother status in online dating profiles, they warn, because predators are using this to identify and ‘groom’ vulnerable women and molest their children.
The warning comes after the arrest of a 55-year-old man – a senior public servant – who travelled from the ACT to Brisbane to have sex with a 13 year old girl.
Police say the man knew of the girl because he’d spoken to her mother on a dating website.
In this case, it wasn’t a ‘mother’ at all but a fake profile set up by undercover authorities designed to bait and lure after a sharp rise in cases of this kind.
This is an interview Mamamia’s former News Editor Rick Morton did with Detective Inspector Jon Rouse about a similar case he was involved in.
Detective Inspector Rouse is the Officer in Charge of Queensland Police’s Taskforce Argos, an online crime-fighting squad of 30 active officers who trawl the net for pedophiles and predators.
Q: You’ve recently dealt with a horrifying case involving online dating?
A: That’s correct. We received a tip-off from our international agencies that a man was molesting a little girl under the age of 10. They thought she might be from Queensland. The referral relied on identifying features in photographs taken of the little girl. They might be things like a distinctive Hills Hoist clothesline, or a certain type of tree. We worked on those details and managed to find the location of where this was taking place. We moved straight away and arrested the man and removed the girl from harm’s way.
Q: How did the man find the girl?
A: This is the horrible part, particularly for the mother of the girl. She was a single mother who wanted to get back into dating and had set up an online profile on a dating site. And you can’t blame her for that. You don’t have to pay for many of them [to set up a profile] and what better way to meet people if you have kids and you don’t go out as much. Unfortunately, we know there are whole groups of predators out there who trawl these profiles looking for women who advertise they have children. And, you know, that makes sense for the mother to be upfront about having kids because that would be a central part of any relationship she may form.
Jon Rouse.
Q: What happened next?
A: The man was from New Zealand. He had a conviction over there for molesting his own daughter. He came to Australia, met this woman online and forged a relationship with her. But he wasn’t interested in her at all. Unfortunately by the time we received our leads and found the house there were a number of photos – about 15 to 20 images – circulating through predator groups around the world. The mother was absolutely devastated. Just devastated. She blamed herself, of course, but really these predators are very, very good at what they do. And we’re not just talking about the clinical definition of paedophiles here. There is a very specific definition of a paedophile that relates to someone who exclusively preys on children. In this case the NZ man, and others who trawl these sites, are preferential child sex offenders and not strictly paedophiles. They can have sexual relations with an adult quite easily, but they do it to get to their prime target, which is the children in those relationships.
Q: It would be very easy to see this as a reason to just shut the computer and never try online dating after hearing that…
A: I suppose it would but I really don’t want to cause alarm or panic. I just want people to be aware that an ounce of prevention in these cases really does go a long way. For instance, just put your basic info only on your dating profile. Put yourself out there but don’t mention your kids. If someone genuinely likes you for you then you can think about taking the next step and letting them know about your children if you have them. If you tell them nothing about children these groups will likely not target your profile. Really, this goes for any type of social networking including Facebook and the like. These things should really be locked down. For most people they will never come to any trouble online but I work in the taskforce every day that deals with the worst case scenarios, and I don’t want them to happen to anybody.
Taskforce Argos is a dedicated taskforce with detectives who hunt sex offenders online. They pose as children to identify them and also as other sex offenders to infiltrate their networks. Though based in Queensland, Taskforce Argos has no borders, just like the Internet. It chases leads wherever they go, including internationally. So far this year the Taskforce has made 85 arrests on 275 charges.
You can download the Who’s Chatting to Our Kids? brochure from the Queensland Police here.
Comments
39 Comments so far
I’m a single mum who uses dating sites. I like to be straight up with people so yes I mention I have kids. Most of these people in this article have started relationships with them before their kids have been harmed so its the same as meeting someone out and them asking do you have any kids. There’s just as much risk of them harming me before harming my kids. I always educated my child about these issues also. I also take a very long time to get to know someone and find out as much info as I can about them before meeting them. I feel this warning is slightly fear mongering and that there is as much risk of this happening anywhere, not just on the internet.
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I wonder how many people reading this know women do the same – they’re just a LOT more careful about it. And usually excused.
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I’m feeling concerned. My friend was on a single dating site and where she said up front she had a young son. She has been chatting and dating a man she met (a supposed psychologist) for 2-3 months now. At the same time she was dating another guy she was very infatuated with and she would talk constantly to the psychologist friend about him. I asked her if he minded and she said “no, he is just interested in anything I have to say”. It seemed strange even for a psychologist… Eventually she broke off with the other guy and the psychologist and her have gone serious for about a month or two. I’ve only met him once and I felt strange. My friend says he ‘embraces her having a son and wants to get to know them both’. I just spoke with her tonight and she had been at her relatives engagement party (where kids could go) but she mentioned this man, the psychologist was at her home babysitting her son. It was unnecessary and unsafe! I feel so sick. She really does not know him and I am very suspicious!
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Is this based on unfounded suspicion (a guy not minding the fact that someone has kids, or even a guy loving kids, does not mean he is a pervert — would you think the same if this were the other way around?), or your instincts? If unfounded suspicion, feel free to keep an eye on him to see if anything genuinely messed up pops up but don’t assume the worst. If instincs, which are generally VERY reliable (how many times have you heard of a mother rightly trusting her instincts after a wrong diagnosis of her child from a doctor – a diagnosis that wasn’t proven wrong until later?), do everything you can to get this man away. And watch him like a hawk.
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Horrible. I would like to say to parents, as a teacher and mum, please talk to your kids about touching, in terms of what’s ok and what’s not. We do this talk at school but I have had irrate parents at me for ‘exposing’ their children to this and how innapropriate it is. I can assure you we teach it in a sensible way. I believe that forewarned is forearmed. Would you rather your children have a 30 minute lesson on protecting their bodies (with some ‘rude’ parts mentioned etc) or have your child abused?? Kids need to feel empowered about what’s ok and what’s not.
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I agree with you. As someone who has been abused, I think education is more important. I know it is sad that we have to do this, but it is the lessor of two evils.
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My children had been taught about touching, unfortunately when somebody gains their trust, tells them he loves them, and tells them this is the appropriate way for him to show that and/or threatens to kill mum/dad/them if they tell, most children won’t tell. Even if asked a direct question. Education is good, but these men are good at brainwashing, and can convince a child that this is the exception to the rule.
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Agree, Lurline. My comment, along the same lines, didn’t make it through.
I doubt that a child could ever withstand the psychological manipulations of a pedophile, no matter how well educated they are.
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I agree, if I had kids I’d rather them be educated, if the school didn’t tell them these things I would cos they need to know
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We had a dodgy person posing as a mum in my local Facebook mums group. The admin thought it seemed dodgy and removed ‘her’. ‘she’ kept requesting people add her (so they could then see all the persons personal photos), yet only was asking those women with photos of their girls as their profile pic. It was awful. Needless to say I locked down my profile after that.
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Was this person/fb account reported to the police?
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Using the mother is nothing new, my husband was sexually abused by his step father 30 years ago. His mother and step father met at a Parents without Partners meeting and yes he had sexually abused his own children.
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Lurline
Your story is horrific and I’m so sorry.
Dr Phil spoke to a mother whose daughters had suffered the same trauma.
He got consecutive sentences. He’ll never see the light of day again.
That *never* happens in Australia. Here, our judiciary view the rape of women and children as a misdemeanor. Why? That’s what I want to now.
We must demand life sentences for rapists and pedophiles.
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The sentences in Australia, and in particular WA don’t fit the crime. We were fortunate (if you can call it that) that the parole board didn’t grant him parole as he had abused not just a family member but a friend’s child as well. Otherwise he would have served less than 6 years for both the children he has so far been tried and convicted of.
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This is not really new. It’s been going on since there have been single mothers and child sexual assault. It’s just now on the Internet too. Child sex offenders have been targeting single mothers for a very long time – they look for access to vulnerable children – and what better access than shacking up with their mum and seeing the kids 24/7.
ALL mums and parents need to educate their children about safety- especially with people they know. I work in child protection and can tell you – it’s not the strangers you need to worry about hurting your children its the people they already know and see – statistically these are the main perpetrators and all you can do is make sure your kids know there are no secrets and they can tell you everything and know about personal safety. There are great websites that can help you speak to your kids about safety without increasing their anxiety – but one example is this: http://www.kidpower.org/library/article/safe-without-scared/
There is no need to jump off Facebook and panic – just make sure there are privacy settings and on Internet dating – follow the suggestions the police made in the article.
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After reading this I’m taking my profile offline. It’s just not worth the stress that the person who might be interested in me might be interested in my daughter. I’d rather be alone than subject my daughter to possible abuse.
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What a sad story and a horrible horrible man. My heart goes out to you that you and your family had to endure this
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This is my biggest fear as a single mother. I just flicked a dude I’d started chatting to via internet dating because I thought he was showing too much interest in my child and he could have been just being polite!!!!
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Better safe than sorry Rachael.
There’s plenty of good guys out there.
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I was also going to add that it’s important that we talk to our kids about where people aren’t allowed to touch them. One thing I read a while back is that predators prey on children who they know won’t say anything, who won’t tell. So in these cases kids need to be told where is private and no one is allowed to touch and that to dob on anyone who touches them there.
Kids need to feel safe and able to trust that their mums will believe them and listen to them. Also keeping a “no secrets” policy. What I’ve read is that they thrive on secrecy.
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It’s so messed up! It makes me so angry that single mums have so much on our plate already that we have to be just so cautious with who we let into our lives. I find myself suspicious of all men so how am I suppose to enable my son to have positive male role models?
These men that prey on vulnerable single mums and hunt our kids are vile.
I’m glad finally there’s a little more info getting out to single mums but many are desperate, they have no idea what danger they put themselves or their kids. I think poverty can also place some single mums and their kids at risk because these mums are looking for a better life for their children. Predators use that to their advantage.
Also, I think men in the community have to start getting angrier at these predators because it’s the reason why it is making it hard for the good guys to get jobs around kids (teaching etc.)
It would be good if these sites could make men provide “working with children” checks or something. Kind of like when you look for a babysitter.
I think I’m stuck being a single mother til my child’s at least 16.
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Don’t say that! Just because there are some bad people on online dating sites, doesn’t mean you have to give up on dating altogether.
Maybe try speed dating (but don’t mention your son straight away), or blind dates set up by friends:)
I think that this issue is also getting taken out of proportional. Just stick to the advice given by the police and be careful.
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“It would be good if these sites could make men provide “working with children” checks or something. Kind of like when you look for a babysitter. ”
Tell me you are just over-reacting and not thinking about what you are saying.
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I just wanted to say an enormous thank you to the men and women of the police and DPP who investigate and prosecute these crimes. I cannot imagine the things you have had to see and the stories you have had to hear in order to protect our children.
You have my eternal gratitude.
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Sadly as others have shared this isn’t new, but it is a great thing to be talking about openly.
Whether it’s using the internet or in person, the first people that are groomed in these situations are the parents, then the child. They are expert manipulators of adults and then children.
In order to have access to a child and then do what they do, perpetrators go about winning the trust of parents and make out how great they are. Sometimes this process can go on for a number of months or even years before they even try something with the child.
The stats around sexual abuse of kids is strongly weighted by people known to the family.
So I guess the most important thing is awareness and teach your kids about what is not ok for an adult to do or say. They might be awkward conversations, but consider the alternative.
And if the worst should happen the most important thing is to believe a child and do something about it. Kids usually don’t make this stuff up. Research talks a lot about more anger from kids being directed at their parents than the perpetrator because they weren’t believed and didn’t do something to stop it.
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Unfortunately this isn’t new. 15 years ago I met a man in a chatroom. I was a single mother with 4 young children living in rural WA. He wooed me and convinced me to pack my children up and drive across the Nullabor to Adelaide.
Once there he pursuaded me to stay, and within a rather short amount of time started molesting my 8 year old daughter. By the time we seperated her younger sister had turned 8 and he had molested her too. Actually molested is not a strong enough word, he RAPED my daughters in every one of their orifices, regularly and whenever I was not in the same room as him and them. He had psychologically and emotionally abused me to the point where I was attempting suicide regularly and unable to pay attention to what he was doing to my children. I was isolated from family and friends, and denied access to cash or a vehicle. All of my children were also physically and psychologically abused. After we seperated, friends of mine took him in, he convinced them that my daughter was lying about the abuse, their reward? he also molested their daughter.
Fortunately my children and I escaped after just over 4 years. There is damage there that can never be undone. Was I irresponsible and stupid? Very much so. However a woman who is lonely and vulnerable and looking for a male companion to support her is often blindsided. Do I regret this everyday? Yes, but unfortunately all we can do is learn from our mistakes.
I spent 2 years on my own, my children were at their fathers, learning to love myself again and recovering psychologically before I even considered thinking about another relationship and my husband had to chase me for months before I agreed to any sort of relationship.
Please single mums, really, really look into a guy’s background before you get into any kind of relationship where he will have any sort of access to your children. And families of these men, if you know that your son is like this, take a moment to warn the women they try to form relationships with. His mother said to me after our seperation and while he was awaiting court, “Please follow this through, it isn’t the first time he has done this” My reaction is, you met me before I married your son, don’t you think that was the time to tell me that!!!
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That is so so sad
What an absolute monster he was. I’m so happy that you finally got away from him xxx
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Thanks, I just worry that he has served his time now and although on the sex offender registry in WA, I still see him as a risk to other single mothers. He is very manipulative psychologically and can charm the birds out of a tree without appearing to try.
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Oh my God, your story has me in tears. I’m so sorry for all the abuse and damage that has been done to you and your daughters. All I can say is that you are beyond brave to have not killed yourself and gotten away from him.
May I ask how your daughters have handled this?
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My younger daughter suffers badly from depression, insomnia and a number of other psychiatric conditions but is unable to summon the strength/energy to go to a Dr and get treatment. My older daughter appears to cope much better, but at this stage she has not spoken to police and does not want to. I think she has buried it in the back of her mind and isn’t ready to deal yet.
My sons are very angry and very much want to take matters into their own hands. For 12 months of abuse of my younger daughter and a single incidence of abuse of her friend, he served less than 8 years. He abused my older daughter for the best part of 5 years, and her convinced that he loved her and would divorce me and marry her as soon as she was of age. She was 12 when we got away. She resisted every step, and it took a good couple of years for her to realise that it wasn’t love.
She has however moved on and is engaged to a wonderful man, with one child and another on the way.
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What a sad story and a horrible horrible horrible man. My heart goes out to you that you and your family had to endure this
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Just want to add, that child abusers also present themselves as good fathers and as loving kids, on internet dating pages. Lots of single mothers feel reassured and that the ‘interested’ man wouldn’t mind them having kids.
A friend whose ex partner had abused, saw him advertise himself in this way.
Good suggestion by the police, leave the kids out of it and be very wary of men who ‘love (other people’s) kids’. Most normal people would find it at least somewhat difficult having eventual step kids and find it only rewarding with hard work and investment of time. Abusers are often glib and tell you what you most want to believe or hear. I am glad that the police also validated the mothers wants and motivation. You don’t think about predators, unless you understand how they work. Good story about important topic, the safety of children.
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it isnt a new technique this has been the basis of many crime shows the single mum and child.
i had to point out recently to a friend that the “sleezy” teacher probably wasnt a problem , she should be more involved with the teacher who wanted to take a “few” kids camping.
she was horrified, these type of people are good at being “pleasant”
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This happened to my sister! now my neices life is ruined
i had no idea it was a ‘thing’ though
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Leah Giarattano covered this very topic in her novel, ‘Vodka Doesn’t Freeze.’ Well worth a read. Leah has had a long career as a clinical psychologist. She is an expert in psychological trauma, sex offences and psychopathology and has had many years assessing psychopaths and treating their victims. She also presented ‘Beyond The Darklands’ on Channel 7.
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A single friend of mine with two small children regularly uses internet dating sites. She also works for the AFP (in a civilian capacity, not as a police officer). As a result she has been aware of this for quite some time and has spotted two people who she referred to her colleagues.
She feels it is disingenuous not to mention her children on the site, but said in both cases, there was an overly interested attitude by the men in her kids. It was quite subtle but because she knew what to look out for she noticed it.
It is such a scary world.
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“The referral relied on identifying features in photographs taken of the little girl. They might be things like a distinctive Hills Hoist clothesline, or a certain type of tree. We worked on those details and managed to find the location of where this was taking place.”
It always bothers me when police reveal how they use this tactic to identify people. I wish they’d keep this to themselves, because it will only help criminals be smarter and avoid getting caught. I hope the police are reading these comments, and have a think about this. (Otherwise, I’m so grateful to the people who fight this crime.)
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Melissa – don’t worry, the police would not be giving us or the general public any hints on how they ‘really’ find these awful people. They do a fantastic job!
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The police often give “bum” leads to keep the public and criminals slightly in the dark, which is a good thing. I doubt they tell us how they actually found the right house.
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