Shocking news.
WARNING: this story is extremely distressing
By LANA HIRSCHOWITZ (Editor of iVillage.com.au)
It’s easy to become complacent about the news. It sad, but it’s true, you can scan the news pages every day and read about war and drugs and fighting and corruption. Even poverty, neglect and abuse and it’s not because you are hardened or you don’t care, that the stories don’t hit you with the full force that they should. It’s not because you can’t or don’t want to think about it but sometimes those stories seems a million miles removed from your life.
There is always fighting, poverty and sadness but the chances of it seeping into your home are almost impossible. You have built strong walls. You have a loving family, enough food to eat, a happy home – nothing bad could happen.
And then you click on a story like the one about the Krim family and you read about the unimaginable and devastating loss of their two small children who were allegedly stabbed to death in an empty bath by their nanny. And as you try to digest this you read that their mother walked into the house with her three-year old child to discover this scene.
And the news hits you in the heart and your eyes well up and all the times you have left your children in somebody else’s care flash before your eyes. Suddenly the news comes into your home and it sits in your heart in the very same place that your children do.
Tracey Moore of Jezebel writes:
Lulu and Leo Krim were allegedly stabbed to death by their nanny.
“I’m not a crier — I’m just a parent. And the horror of losing my child is nothing close to unimaginable; it’s a real fear you live with every day the moment you devote yourself to the care of another person, a raw nerve the world can sting at will.
It isn’t that before having a child, I would have been callous to this family’s suffering. It’s that before I might have been able to shut it out, pretend it was something that happened somewhere far away to people I would never know. Before, I wouldn’t have had the reference point for how deep the pain of that loss could go, how unfathomably, core-shakingly deep the gut-punch would be. Now I do.
I don’t pretend to know what the Krims are feeling. I only know the unavoidable, irreversible risk one takes in having and loving a child, and it is unlike any other on earth. I have never been so attuned to the suffering of children as I am now that I have one, and once your eyes are opened to the extent of their suffering in the world, often at the hands of people they trust, you realize you would guard every last one of them with your life if you could.
It is a story as old as the day is long, but making a person changes you forever. Take a look at any parent and know that their weakest, most vulnerable spot is now in externalized physical shape in the form of their child. We can pretend to be carefree people living spontaneously in the world, but inside we know there is something very real which can wreck us at any moment as easily as flicking a switch. Only second to that is the weight of the responsibility to do right by them.”
I could find reason every day to hold my child a little tighter. And today I hold him while fighting back tears for a family I don’t know. I know that tomorrow my anguish will begin to fade while the devastation the Krim family are facing has just begun.
I know that I can’t let my child feel the impact of my horror and fear because of an incident, that in reality, has as much connection for him as the war stories that appear in the paper every day. He’s not going to be murdered just because someone else was and my rational mind knows that.
But today my heart is outside my body and I just want to wrap it around my son like soft cotton wool to protect him from life. To protect him from any harm and to wish for him a life where none of us have to read stories like this one ever again.
This story was originally published at Mamamia’s sister website iVillage.com.au.
Comments
46 Comments so far
I just can’t stop thinking about those poor, beautiful babies…… And their remaining family…..
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Words can not describe how absolutely devastating this story is. My heart goes out to that beautiful family. Noone in this world should ever be put through something like that. That poor poor family. My heart breaks for them.
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I watched my grandmother lose an adult son to cancer, my close friend a baby daughter to full-term stillbirth, and more distant friends just recently, lost their five year old daughter to leukaemia. I am a mother of two. There are no words for such an immense loss. To lose not one child but two… At the hands of someone you trusted. I have also had the help of a nanny and now I have a housekeeper who sometimes takes care of the kids as well. It is unimaginable and I am so sad because I know there is no true healing in store. Life will go on for them because it has to, but in essence it has already ended.
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That is unbelievable. I don’t watch the news anymore so I didn’t know about this tragedy, I don’t know how you could move on from something horrendous like this. That poor family, those precious children. Unimaginable.
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I was reading a similar article, brought to my attention by a friend of mine who is a policewoman in Sacramento. A brother-in-law… babies…What the families are going through, what the attending officers saw, I couldn’t begin to imagine. I definitely held by little boy tighter, and checked in on him that night, just to be near him. I don’t know how I could survive if anything happened to him. How can people do this?
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I couldn’t stop thinking about this all weekend. Just gut wrenchingly awful.
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I have been thinking about this all weekend. My chest just tightens up every time I think about those poor babies, their mother and father and little remaining sister……. No words……..
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How awful
Stories like this can make it so hard to trust the world. My children are little and I have hired casual nannies (and worked from home those days to supervise) as well as used daycare, kindy and next year my youngest will be in family daycare while my eldest is at school.. The chance of something like this happening is far less than, say, being hit and killed by someone driving a stolen car. It doesn’t stop me driving them around but it does add to the worries.
Those poor kids
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It is simply factual that unless you have had children you cannot, and do not understand the vast, life changing, goal posting altering thing that is having children. There is no analogy which comes close and no comparison that is worth anything. Those of us who have been childless and now are not can compare the two, those who have not experienced both states cannot. It is not meant to be any kind of slur, but simply factual. I would have found it irritating too, pre-children, but again that’s because I simply could not have understood. Not meant to be an insult, just a statement of fact.
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I’m tired of being told that until I have children I can’t possibly understand anything about anything. I think anyone who loves someone is affected by a horrible story like this, having children doesn’t give you some superior ability to understand the world around you better than other people.
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I agree. I’m ten years Older than my little sister, I love her and would protect her until the death.
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I agree MJ, it irritates me as well.
This story chilled me to the bone. I don’t have kids. I understand that life changes when you do have kids but it doesn’t mean that some childless people can’t have just as much empathy as parents do. Yes – some people out there did change when their particular children were born and may now react differently to this story. But that won’t be true for everyone in the same way that not having children won’t make some people more or less empathetic or emotional than some parents. Making sweeping generalisations like that annoys me.
Regardless of all that, this is an awful story. I can’t imagine how the parents of those poor children could possibly begin to piece their lives together after this, my heart breaks for them.
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Yeah it’s the generalisation that ‘you can’t understand loss/joy/fulfillment/the meaning of life until you’ve had a baby’ that really irritates me. As if no other life experience or relationship could ever make you wise as someone who has a kid.
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Wow MJ…. The author was not saying thsat in the least…Of course anyone with a heart would be deeply affected by this. The fact however remains that it is acutally something that I personally couldn’t imagine until I had a child…That is , that level of responsibility that you have towards another living person…It is a constant feeling that I guess will never leave. As kids get older it does dull slightly as they become more independent but it is always there. Noone is trying to be superior…it is just the way it is. It is sad that you feel this way but these are your feelings not the authors intention. Fact…Until you have a child you can’t experience what it means to have a child. It does not mean that you can’t empathise, imagine, understand or put yourself in the position etc…Of course you can.
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Agree.
People think they are more empathetic when they have kids, but those feelings are about THEIR KIDS. They hear a horrific story like this and their mind goes straight to their own children. That isn’t the same thing as empathy, if anything it’s self-involvement (which is fine, it’s how we’re built).
I know people who are constantly banging on about how some charity ad or 4 corners story made them cry and hug their kids, always said as if that’s some kind of good deed. Giving money or volunteering would be the helpful, empathetic thing to do.
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I could never outsource the care of my children. When they were little the only person who very occasionally looked after them for short periods of time was my sister-in-law.
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That’s fine Catgirl, everyone has to make the individual choices for their families.
However, please be aware that far, far FAR more children are murdered and assaulted by their parents and relatives than by nannies or babysitters. Cases like this are incredibly rare.
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I am sure you don’t intend this, but saying “I could never…” is quite hurtful to those of us who have had little choice but to ‘outsource’ their children’s care.
You are very fortunate to have had the luxury of being at home with your children, as well as the assistance of your sister-in-law when needed – many of us wish we were in your position (especially when we read stories like these).
I already feel guilty every day that I am not at home with my son, and when I hear another mother saying “oh, I could NEVER do that …” it just makes me feel like shit. There are nicer ways of putting it – e.g. “I am grateful that I was able to stay home with my children when they were little” – it acnkowledges the privilege of your position without putting down other women who can’t make the same choices as you, however much they might desperately want to.
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When I heard this news I thought it was the most awful thing that could ever happen to a family. My second thought was, I wonder how long it will take for the smug ‘I’d never leave my kids with a stranger’ working mummy bashing to begin….
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Tragically, this began almost instantly in the US when the news broke.
Many sites have had to close comments on posts about the tragedy when thy turned into debates about working mothers. For shame…..
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And it absolutely would have here, had you not introduced the moderation.
We must try to remember that this is an unusual event and is no reflection whatsoever on anyone who has a nanny/uses childcare etc.
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I’ll also add in the majority of asian countries, people have nannies too and it’s not just for the ‘rich’, as daycare is not as common in those countries as it is here. Women need to stop being so judgmental of one another and support each other’s decisions.
I try and fathom how I would feel if I had walked in on such a scene and it brings tears to my eyes. Like the rest of us, I have no doubt the mother was simply living a life to give the best for her children in the future. You can’t criticize her for that.
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I just read this article on the Krim tragedy: http://www.salon.com/topic/marina_krim/
I was absolutely horrified to read some of the comments that have been made about Marina Krim in the light of this devastating story.
And to turn an isolated, extremely rare event into something to further fuel the debate on working vs stay-at-home mothers is just unfathomably insensitive and cruel.
For what it’s worth as well, Marina Krim was a stay-at-home mother (not that it should have any bearing on our empathy for her either way). I saw at her blog before it was taken down, and she seemed to be an extremely loving and devoted mother. She posted photos of he children on her blog almost every day since her eldest child was born, and spoke about them in the most glowing terms.
It’s just an unbelievable tragedy.
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Something definitely happens to you once you have kids…it changes you in many obvious and not so obvious ways. I was never much of a crier in movies before but ever since I had my first child it’s like a hormonal floodgate opened and now I cry regularly. I really try to avoid movies/tv shows/books with any overt suffering (and it doesn’t have to be children suffering, adults tip me over the edge too)
I think it’s because I now project myself into these other people’s/characters situations and I just can’t cope with it. And I’m not saying this is unique only to mothers but for me, there is certainly a difference to how I react to things after having my kids. I imagine my kids in these awful situations and a wave of cold fear washes over me and I literally have to shudder to get it out of my brain.
To the family in New York…there are no words…
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Is there hard evidence that it was in fact the nanny? and the parents have been completely ruled out?
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The father was on a business trip, and the mother returned home with one child to confronted by the two dead children and the nanny…
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I really don’t think it’s appropriate to have the picture of the newspaper showing the mother. The story is chilling enough without that image.
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I agree, Anon. The photos of the mother screaming in the ambulance are just horrific, and such an invasion of her privacy at an unimaginably tragic time. My thoughts are with the family.
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I have read some other online articles on this tragedy, they show lots of photos of the kids, the mother in the ambulance as well as information on where the family lives, etc. A total invasion of privacy. It is really sick that the media would go so far to get a “good story”; at what price will they stop?
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I’ve been a professional Nanny for 18 years and the last thing I say in each interview is if you have even a smidgen of doubt, please do not hire me. It’s going to be hard enough for you on that first day without the added stress of wondering what is happening. It is such a huge responsibility to care for another’s child/Ren but even greater to be given that role. My heart is breaking for that poor Family.
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Its great that you are so honest with the parental. Most ppl are driven by the money or the need to be employed whilst u r driven by what is in the best interest of with the children and the parents. I thank you for your refreshing honesty.
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when first heard this story i didn’t realise they have another child, so as utterly horrific as it is i am so glad they have a living child.
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Me too! I know it sounds awful but I was so relieved when I heard they have another child who wasn’t killed.
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A child who gets to suffer for the rest of her life, missing her siblings and fearful of any stranger. I guess it is of some comfort for the poor parents, but an awful burden for the poor remaining child.
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I agree, amd … though as a parent, I think having one surviving child would be the only thing that could stop me diving into a hole right after my dead children. Right after I’d torn the nanny to shreds
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I suppose it’s news but I don’t think it’s right to have the mothers face in the paper for everyone to stare at or for the story to be on the front page at all. I’m not sure we should even be talking about it here. It just seems voyeuristic and wrong.
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i’m trying to think of another time where I have been so distressed and angered by the invasion of someone’s privacy in relation to a photo on the front page of the paper. I don’t think I can come up with one…I know the public want details of the story, I know it’s newsworthy. But no one has a right to that image. It’s a violation I can’t even imagine.
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This comment was NOT posted by me. Someone else posting as amd just btw.
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ummm…I’ve been amd on here for a year and have probably made about 50 comments… Wasn’t aware the name was taken??
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I don’t know if anyone remembers the massacre in Beslan (Russia) in 2004? It happened at a primary school, over 100 children and teachers were killed after being held captive at the school for days.
That was just after my wedding and I didn’t have kids yet. But I remember one of the most publicised photos from back then: a child lying dead on the grass, and his mother leaning over him and stroking his face.
To this day the photo haunts me. Who had the right to publish it? I say the same for the ones of Marina Krim crying in the ambulance. Some things are too private, and shouldn’t be splattered around for attention.
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oh the chills…. how hard it must be to find a reason to go on with life (I imagine the one child they have left gives them just enough will to go on). I have just moved to Melbourne and as a consequence am finding it extremely hard to get childcare (in a centre) for my daughter (waiting lists). I work from home so it is a struggle every day to juggle everything but I refuse to give my daughter to anyone I don’t trust 100%. I am lucky that my mother stays in Melbourne every now and again, and I also have a close childhood friend here to fall back on.
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Can I just say I miss having Lana around MM?
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I have never hired a babysitter or a nanny. My mother and sisters are the only ones who have ever minded my children. At least in a child care situation there is more than one adult to look after them. It’s still a risk, though. Every time they are out of your sight there is a risk they could be snatched from you. I admit, there are times when this thought nearly overwhelms me with anxiety and terror.
It’s also the reason I chose to abandon my career until my children were at school. Even then, there were weeks of school holidays. My career fell by the wayside but my peace of mind and children’s safety was far more important.
Family friends had two children murdered many years ago. How they find the strength to continue to live is beyond me.
As for the photo of the grieving mother on the front page of the paper … most days I hate the media. Some days I hate them more than others.
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It’s clear that the death of your friends’ children has affected you deeply and that’s understandable. However, these occurrences are rare and unfortunately small children are just as much or more at risk of harm coming to them while at home or with family members. I hope you learn to live with the fear of something happening to your children as they grow.
I agree about the photo in the paper. It shows a pain that no one else really needed to see.
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Lana, that was so perfectly written…. It’s exactly how I feel. I always tell expectant 1st-time mums to prepare to live with their heart outside their body.
I’ve cried so much for this family.
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I read this on Saturday night on a news website and was mortified.
Such an unbelievably sad sad story that pulls at your heart strings so tight you can almost feel them breaking.
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