Annie* writes….
.
“A few years ago, I trusted someone I clearly shouldn’t have and ended up with herpes. I’ve had therapy and come to terms with having it, and actually found in the last few years it’s barely had any effect on me at all…except when it comes to relationships.
It’s happened time and time again, I meet a nice guy, spend some time getting to know him and then once I tell him ‘whoosh’ he’s out the door! I totally understand why people would be uncomforatble with this, and accept that its their choice, but ouch! Many friends have suggested not telling potential partners, but this just doesn’t sit right with me.
So my group therapy question is how and when do you tell a potential partner? Is there any hope or should I just resign myself to a lonely future…or lying?
Comments
75 Comments so far
I didn’t realise how lucky I’ve been with my partner until I read this. 3 months into our relationship I contracted HSV1, but with genital symptoms. Most humiliating doctor’s appointment, where she had to call in a more experienced doctor to examine me because it was such a bad outbreak.
I sat my partner down (which was hard enough to do) the next day and told him what had happened. Neither of us had ever had unprotected sex before so we had no idea how I’d gotten it, but he still promised that we’d work through it together. That was over a year and a half ago, we’re still together and that has been my only outbreak to date (thank god).
I can’t imagine what I’d do if we break up and I have to explain to a new partner. I think that there’s a problem with a culture of ignoring coldsores, which so many people get, but stigmatising anyone who had HSV2 when its bad enough to just have the virus and outbreaks, let alone deal with having to explain it to prospective partners.
loading...
I have a question..
I got my first STD check last year and discovered I had chlamydia. I took the tablets which my Dr said would cure the STD and I believe it has.
Why I wanted the STD check in the first place was because I had suspected I had contracted herpes (had a few symptoms – sores, a blister etc). However, when the results came back she never mentioned herpes so I assumed I was clear.
So I am curious, can herpes only be detected during an outbreak? And/or may I have had an STD check that didn’t look for herpes, if that makes sense?
loading...
genital herpes is not actually part of a general STI check so you need to ask your doctor to specifically test for it.
i was told by my doctor that if it is your first breakout (and you know this is the first time you have been exposed to the virus), it wont show up in the inital test as it is not yet properly in your blood stream, and it will show up when tested after about 2-3 weeks.
so my advice is, if its been longer than 3 weeks since you first noticed the symptoms why not go to your doctor again and specifically ask to be tested for it!
loading...
I wouldn’t lie because that would be selfish. You have to tell the person.
I do feel for you though – that would be hard.
I have to confess I don’t know anything any STDs. Can herpes be cured? So this last guy you were with gave you herpes – does that mean you will have herpes forever? If it is incurable I imagine you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone else (unless you tell them first and they are ok with it).
How does herpes present? How do you know that you have herpes?
All the best.
loading...
http://www.thefacts.com.au
this fabulous website has a lot of useful information
loading...
I was in exactly the same situation. He was my first sexual partner when I was 20, however I didn’t know he was sleeping with a rather well known ‘easy girl’ from his surf club until it was too late. Long story short, I had all the same feelings you did, and used to cry so hard when it looked like a relationship was developing.
My best advice to you is trust your gut. If you are worried about how someone may react that is a pretty telling sign that he is probably not right for you.
I have had 3 serious long-term relationships since I got it and each guy I have told has not cared. However, I didn’t tell anyone I thought wasn’t seriously interested in me. If someone isn’t that keen on you they may use it to walk away, but anyone who genuinely likes you most certainly won’t. The way he looks at you will tell you that before you need to say anything.
I am now 29 and engaged to the most lovely, supportive and handsome man I have ever met. my exact word to him about a month into our dating were “I lost my virginity at 20 to a guy who cheated on me, he gave me herpes and I know its not everyones cup of tea, so if you want to call this of I understand”, he responded with “it’s going to take a hell of a lot more that to get rid of me baby”.
Keep your head up hun, this will not affect any relationship that is truely worthwhile. Just trust what everyone on here is saying, it will weed out those who weren’t good enough in the first place, and make you understand that love does NOT come with any conditions.
loading...
On SMH website today http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/wellbeing/sexually-transmitted-disease-rates-skyrocketing-20100528-wip5.html
loading...
Dear Annie,
Don’t worry too much. it’s not much different from having Herpes on your lips. I got it when I was 18, am 46 now. Got it from a boyfriend who did not know what it was. To make a long story short: the outbreaks became less and less often and by the time I met my husband at 25, i honestly did not think about it to tell him immediately. It came up when I had an outbreak two years later. I got 4 healthy children with him. Every time told the Gyneologist but they always said it was not a problem as long as I did not have an outbreak at the moment of giving birth.
I never passed it on to my husband.
I only wish I had all known this when I got it. Remember being very depressed about it back then.
loading...
Please tell your prospective partners even if it isn’t obviously active and nothing is showing. The disease can be passed on.
This is what happened to my beautiful bestie and has stayed with the guy on the basis of “who else will have me now?”. Very sad. Yes, she was using protection, but I believe it was the viral shedding mentioned below, particles of his skin that contained the virus.
There is no need for stigma. We are all sexual beings. Its a fact of life, but we must be responsible for our actions.
loading...
I have a girlfriend (friend) who gets cold sores on her mouth ALL OF THE TIME!!! Seriously! It’s the same virus, different version, different spot, but same condition! There is no condemnation, it’s just who she is. Her husband and kids love her, and as a friend I do too. I just won’t kiss her hello when she has one!
loading...
Oh you poor darling. I’ve been through exactly the same thing when a trusted and much loved boyfriend neglected to tell me he had the virus and passed it on to me.
I’ve been living with it for about 15 years now. I’ve been married for the past 11 years, but have a couple of things to share:
1. The first few years are the worst in terms of frequency and intensity of breakouts, but it will calm down over time. I’ve found that it rears up when I’m not looking after myself properly, especially before a period, and am a bit run down. So look after yourself.
2. Take lysine supplements EVERY DAY, twice a day during breakouts – it really does help enormously. And at the first sign of a ‘tingle’ apply Zovirax as often as you possibly can throughout the day. You might even avoid a full breakout altogether. I’ve learned this through trial and error.
3. Let your conscience lead you when it comes to telling people. I have had to tell at least three serious new partners (ie. those I was intending to have unprotected sex with in the last 15 years) and it has never sent them running. I tell them that because it was given to me without my knowledge, I want them to be fully knowledgable about it. I tell them that I’m very good at managing it and have never passed it on to anyone else. In other words, be honest, put it into perspective for them (it really is just cold sores in a different spot!) and don’t be afraid. It’s such a scary conversation to have, but if you arm them with lots of practical knowledge, it makes it easier.
4. Be kind to yourself. Yes it’s frustrating and miserable and can make you want to sew prawns into the perpetrators curtains because of the grief and pain, but it is ultimately manageable so don’t let it define you or take over your life.
Hugs and luck to you beautiful x
loading...
I’m in shock how common this is.
And my eyes are opened.
In a bitter sweet way, from reading the comments, it almost seems like a really good way of weeding out the dick heads form the decent guys though. Not that you should have too… but it does seem the right ones will get it. And I hope you find the same thing Annie.
Best of luck to you Annie.
loading...
i could write a novel on this topic and my experiences, but ill try to keep it short…
nearly 5 years ago my lovely boyfriend of only a month decided to “give” me herpes as a way of getting me to stay with him.
didn’t work!!
when i went to the doctor to get it checked out the doctor told me it was the worst breakout of herpes he’d seen (which made me feel even better about the situation, NOT!)
i was horrified, i felt so dirty, and i went through a whole range of emotions over the following few years:
*i became very angry and bitter for a while
*i abused alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism, which really didnt help at all
*i slept with people and didnt tell them about it (but i did use protection)
*i felt soo unworthy of having any sort of relationship
i too would meet a guy, everything would be going great, id hold off on the sex in hope he’d get yo know me and like me more, and then id drop the bombshell and id never hear from the again!
it didnt help that with my herpes (HSV2) i get breakouts really often!
but then in 2007 i met the most gorgeous guy, who also happened to be my friends brother
within a week i knew he was the one, but dreaded having to tell him about “the herpes”
however, after a month i plucked up the courage, and in a very tearful and nerve wrecking moment i told him – and he said “thats ok, we’ll work through it”
i was stunned, and very hesitant to believe him, but now 3 years later and married with 2 beautiful daughters, i couldnt be more happy!
there is such a stigma around this virus and all it really is is a very common skin infection!
my advice is to tell him, its best to be honest from the start, and if he really wants to be with you, together you find a way to make things work
loading...
It REALLY annoys me that ANY sexually transmitted disease brings judgement on people. Like REALLY PISSES ME OFF. People have sex. Same as people kiss, or people are in the same room/workplace/bus/train/tram as other people. You get sick from doing that as well.
There are treatments for stuff like tonsillitis, there are treatments for STDs. I really hate that we worry about people finding out about these kind of things, because the stats back up that, like 1 in 10 people are gay, 1 in whatever will contract an STD. Mostly it just means getting antibiotics and/or responsibly handling it.
I’m not a doctor, but the way I look at it is that its just another communicable disease that we should all be vigilant about.
loading...
Thanks so much for posting this topic Mia. The stigma around this virus is really quite amazing when just a little bit of online research reveals how widespread it is! I’ve been worried about some suspicious symptoms of my own recently and it’s just fantastic to be able to read all the comments and advice from other “real” women out there in the MamaMia community. I think I’ve just about worked up the courage to go to the doctor!
loading...
I sympathise with you. The truth is a difficult thing to share – but also something a prospective partner deserves to hear.
I have a HSV-1 infection, and I have not had a recurrent outbreak since my first episode – but because I can, I have taken prophylactic treatment (eg. Valtrex)in the past when sexually active outside a relationship and used a condom. I haven’t told casual partners. The risks to any partners were miniscule.
In my current relationship, I don’t take Valtrex, I don’t use condoms – but I did tell him.
It was a frightening thing to do. I was certain that this great thing I had was dead before it even started because of this stupid thing called herpes.
His reaction: “okay, so what do WE need to do?”
AND because he actually listened to me with an open mind – and not with fear and prejudice – in time we’ve decided it’s a manageable risk to continue our relationship sans barrier protection and prophylactic treatment.
Herpes is uncomfortable, ugly, and annoying. But it’s not the end of the world. This may change the way you approach sex – if anything, make you more conscientious. But in the words of other posters: it really does sort the men from the boys.
Good luck.
loading...
My friend, soon to be girlfriend I hope, reacted the same way… She asked so, with this, what options do we have, as she smiled and got between the sheets…
Actually, I have to say that while it was emotionally wrecking to tell her I might have infected her, it also opened my eyes to be honest to myself. I really cared for this girl a hell of a lot more than I had admitted to myself. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been so hard to tell… She reacted poised, and proposed to get a drink together…
loading...
I’ve got it. I had no idea I had it and never had an outbreak in almost twenty years. I managed to have two children with my husband of ten years and still had no idea. Mine erupted after dealing with a major stress in my life and the only people who know are my GP, Gynae, husband and my best friend (who was in the car waiting for me when I came out of the doctors and I was a blubbering mess) I had to have a terrible conversation with my husband and I was sure he would think I was unfaithful to him.It took me 3 days to have the conversation and I was ever so grateful for the kind supporting medico who reassured me endlessly (and offered to see my husband to reassure him) that it was quite likely something I had caught years ago and I had just not had an outbreak. Hang in there Annie, its easy to see from all the posts, that it is more common than you think. You wont be lonely.
loading...
I really feel for you; as I have le ‘erpes, as I call it (In manner of Hermes… the French accent gives it a sophisticated air. I found out when I was 21, about 8 years ago, whilst in my first few days living overseas – nice. Painful and stressful. It wasn’t until I returned to Australia that I got the full GP run down and exposed to the most patronising, depressing health campaign in existence … can’t remember the pharmaceutical company in question, but the helpful DVD contained topics like ‘I feel so dirty.’ and ‘Who’s going to want me now?’ OMFG!!
I didn’t feel shame about this condition. I was initially very front-up with guys, being a relatively honest person and expecting respect for my transparency … and I clung to this ideal after having a few guys freak out immediately. One tried to have sex with me THROUGH my knickers. I was only 22 at that stage and just desperate for someone to accept this particular aspect of me. To protect myself, I moved to the three-week discussion … I waited longer before having sex. If I could see it not going anywhere, I would be absolutely conscientious about protection, and not tell them.
Late last year I was dating a guy… I thought it would go somewhere. We’d been together a few times, well-protected, and it became time to get things off my chest. I didn’t want to lead anyone down the garden path, or fail to trust me, but there’s a strong self preservation issue here, too. So, I approached the conversation with a lot of thought, with his needs in mind, making sure he was comfortable and educated, and knew I hadn’t put him at risk; I was light, but informative, and reassuring.
And also I was dumped. As of the next day
It infuriated me, but at the same time, what a brilliant and utterly decisive way to sort the men from the boys, as my best friend put it, and it’s true. Here’s my proof:
Two months later, I stood on my balcony, more nervous than I’d ever been in my life, bringing up the same conversation with an amazing guy I’d met three weeks earlier. I was too worried about the outcome to approach it with the same rehearsed smoothness I’d come up with before because I really really cared what this guy thought. After I made my pronouncement – “I have a health issue i want to talk to you about – it’s to do with my body, and sexual health” and after I answered his questions, he thought for a couple of minutes with his head down, arms crossed… which almost had me on the floor with palpitations… and then he strode over, folded me into a huge hug, said ‘You’re so brave; I respect you even more now, that took real guts. It doesn’t change a thing about how I feel for you. And the way you were talking, I was seriously worried cos I thought you had a terminal illness or something!!!’
So, that was our chat – and six months after it we moved in together – three weeks ago. That sorts the men from the boys, all right. And once you find the right one, he’ll be all too happy to get across the issue, learn about it, and then get over it. I’m not jumping off the rooftops because I have herpes, but I can’t say it’s been an entirely awful thing. Guys just have to leap a little bit higher to get over my bar, and my partner is so, so worth me getting dumped a few times.
Short answer: with the right guy, anytime’s the right time, but I’d say three weeks. And only if he’s really wonderful.
xx
loading...
Wow this is such a great topic. So great to hear it discussed so frankly.
I’ve just completed this online survey about our attitude to STDs: if anyone’s interested it’s at http://www.gettingdowntoit.net
It only took twenty minutes and I found it really informative although a bit scary when I realised how LITTLE I know about STDs, particularly herpes.
For example, is it true that you can pass it on even when not having an outbreak?
It scares me how uninformed I am, and how lacking my sex education at school was…
loading...
yip you sure can pass it on even if you’re not having an breakout at the time, through viral shedding!
trust me, i think i know every detail there is possible about herpes ive researched it that much!! haha
loading...
As others have said, lots of people have herpes these days, so although it’s an issue it’s not as big a deal as it might feel like sometimes.
I reckon get to know a guy really well first, see if he’s someone you’d like a serious relationship with. Have the discussion before you have sex with them, but no sooner. Some guys will have herpes anyway, and others might realise you’re someone they could really trust if you’re willing to be honest with them.
A close friend of mine has herpes and found a great guy, got married and so on. I sympathise about having this extra ‘hurdle’ to deal with in new relationships, but keep persisting and you’ll find a gem out there.
Could bring it up by asking if they have an STD (something we should all do anyway really) and then say that you have a common but manageable one, and explain about what it means. Or ask if they’ve ever had an STD, or had a relationship with someone who has one.
loading...
I do not think people are idiots or aholes for running away, they are just misinformed and not wanting to participate in something that for all they know they will catch and their dick will drop off – that is pretty normal.
I do however agree that you need to hold off on telling someone until he is very important to you. The right guy who loves you for you will not run, he may be floored but he won’t run and make you out to be some sort of diseased harlet. I use these words because the unfortunate truth is the stigma still readily attached to herpes.
I am pretty lucky, I have not contracted anything and I have had occasions where I was not safe years ago and also had a partner cheat so I am thankful but I understand the anxiety that comes with telling someone.
All in all, just don’t jump in and make sure he is pretty damn special, and it could take a while to work out.
loading...
I also have it, so don’t feel alone. I’ve had it for about 6-7 years but hadn’t had an episode for the past three, until I broke up with my boyfriend, lost my job in the GFC, experienced the trauma of a family members sudden death and moved states.
Problem was, I went to TWO doctors who both misdiagnosed it as a fissure EVEN after I said that I carry the virus in my system! Then when I went to the third doctor who finally swabbed me, I was almost relieved that I had it again because the other two doctors were suggesting surgery! Not good!
It’s not a great thing to have, but it happens to “normal” every day girls. I am very open with all my girlfriends about it, because I don’t think that there should be a stigma attached. The less people talk about it, the more people feel alone when they find out they have it!
The relationship factor is a hard one because it is a bit of a “mood killer,” but I figure that its probably not necessary to tell the guy until you know that he might be sticking around for longer than 5 minutes, just as long as you’re using all the right precautions!
I also think, that if its the right guy for you, then he’ll be understanding and not see it as a huge issue. If he does, then how much of a man is he and how will he react to the “bigger issues” in your relationship!?
loading...
Question: We’ve talked about the ability to contract the HSV-1 virus on the genitals from oral sex .. what about contracting the HSV-2 virus FROM the genitals while giving oral sex? Does that happen and if so, what would the symptoms to the mouth be? Cold sores like the typical HSV-1 virus, or something else??
loading...
HSV1 and HSV2 generally like to “live” in their particular habitats – HSV1 on the mouth, and HSV2 down there
so if you have the right one in the right place, you are more likely to get more outbreaks (if that makes sense)
but you can get HSV2 up there and HSV1 down there as well, and this where you are less likely to get as many outbreaks are they are not in the environments that they thrive in!
and not many people realise you can catch herpes from oral sex too!
if your partner has a cold sore and decides to give you oral sex (HSV1 or 2) you can in turn get herpes down there!
and same goes if you have herpes down there and are having a breakout and your partner decides to give you oral sex – they can get coldsores from that (again, HSV1 or 2)
the symptoms would depend on whether you have HSV1 or 2 and whether they are in their “particular” environment!
hope that makes sense and helps!
best bet is to avoid oral sex when either of you have a breakout in either area!!
loading...
this happened to me, my partner gets cold sores (but had not had one for a while at the time) gave me oral sex and i got herpes.
i had the one outbreak (and oh it was painful- number 2′s anyone??) but haven’t had one since and that was at least 5 years ago.
loading...
Hai Jess, will you please answer my question.
I have a HSV1 in my genitals. if i dont have an outbreak, is it safe to have sex with condoms or to receieve natural oral?
or do i have to take the preventative medication when doing them?
I always use a condom with my partner and he knew. but i’m afraid that if its early outbreak and there is no sign, i might have given it to him
like people kiss when their cold sores is not outbreaking and they cant transmit the coldsores to another person right?/
i always wonder about that questions and nurses give me all different answers.
thx very much
loading...
hi natasha
this is a hard one because i have been told a range of different answers too!
i think the general rule is to always use protection if you do not want to run the risk of passing it on!
however, if you are not having a breakout then the risk of passing it on is very low
BUT, there is always the small chance you may pass it on through viral shedding (it is very small, but it does happen!)
my partner and i still enjoy oral (with no protection) and have never managed to pass it on to eachother orally (we have HSV2).
we also have sex with no protection, and dont give eachother breakouts, but we also dont have sex if one of us is run down or feels like there could be a possibility of a breakout coming on – sharing is not always caring
and i have a few friends who are in long term relationships with HSV1 down there and they dont use protection with their partners and have not passed it on (they rarely get breakouts though either!)
i guess it depends on how well you “know” your herpes –
some people only ever get the one breakout, some none at all, and some, like myself, get it very often and need to take preventative medication.
Try and learn what your triggers are, generally they can be stress, tiredness/lack of sleep, that “time of the month”, and coffee to name a few, and if you feel at all like you may be starting to get a breakout then refrain from sex!
i think it would be good to talk about it with your partner so he knows the risks involved, even though they are low, and that way he can make an informed decision on whether he wants to use protection or not.
i hope this helps….
loading...
The rate for each strain in both areas in about the same now, but it varies depending on locality (eg America has a slightly different percentage). Condoms should ALWAYS be used during oral sex with a new or infected partner.
loading...
That is what happened to me. I have HSV2 both orally and genitally. I am not sure if she had HSV2 both places, so theoretically I might have picked it up on my lips from kissing… We will never know, as we are not on speaking terms anymore. Not only because she should have told me before we had sex some 100 times…
But there were never open sores or other visible signs, and she didn’t like the dark, so it would have been likely I would have noticed something.
loading...
i have had it for many years however, have been married for 10. My husband has it too but we both had it before we met. Sooo many people have it!
But – in my experience, it is generally very easy to tell if you are having an outbreak and before I was with my husband, I was with other people whom I did not tell (short term things – anything long term i would have definately told but not on the first date)
My biggest concern would have been telling someone I did not know well enough and whom they would tell – plus if your sensible and use protection (which you should be anyway with someone new – if not, herpes is the least of your worries) my experience is there is not much chance of passing it on.
In saying this… I would never have had sex if I could feel an outbreak coming on.
I could be wrong here but i am under the beleif that is the fluid in the blisters that carry the virus…so you know if you are getting the blisters and you make sure you dont have any type of “sexual relations” near that spot…there are lots of other things that this can be replaced with (and no, i am not referring to the some of the suggestions made on last weeks incredibly interesting post on bumsex)
loading...
I was in the same boat – though with a different STI…and I got it from a long-term partner who never told me, needless to say it was a major factor in that relationship ending!
After having this happen to me, there was absolutely no way I could do that to someone else. Face it, even with protection, there are risks (depending upon the STI), so by not telling you are subjecting someone to the risk of herpes without giving them a choice in the matter, and to decide on whether you’re cool with that, ask yourself – how did it make you feel? I read Guest’s post below about her husband not telling her until after they were married – but even she admits that the story probably would have been a bit different if she wound up contracting it.
I told every potential partner, and I never had a problem. Firstly, I never rushed into the sack with anyone (not suggesting you are, I’m just telling my story) – that first-time spontaneity dies a bit when you have an STI. More than anything – I needed to make sure this was someone I was willing to be vulnerable enough with to have the talk. If not, I didn’t bother and moved on – if so, I waited until we were in neutral territory…out on a walk, or towards the end of an evening hanging out (making sure there was no expectation of sex) and I would say something along the lines of ‘I have something really important I need to talk to you about’…and I’d tell them about the STI, and the associated risks – I’d be as calm as possible – really, the calmer and matter-of-fact you are, the easier it is for the guy absorb…too emotional and it could trigger the bolt reflex.
Sometimes they’d need a day or so to think about it..including my husband – I’ll never forget it. He thanked me for the honesty and appreciated how hard it was for me to initiate ‘the talk’, but he needed time to think about it..I was devastated, I knew he was the one, I was in love..and I felt like I’d blown it. Needless to say, he thought long and hard and realised the slight risk of an STI was nothing compared to giving me up
We have a beautiful daughter, another on the way, life is good.
So to recap – tell everyone you plan on having sex with, tell them on neutral territory, or on their turf when you’re wrapping up your time together so they don’t feel trapped, and so they don’t get mixed messages – e.g. thinking they are about to have sex, when in fact you want to talk – remain calm and give them the facts, and refer them to where they can get more information… the less threatening you make it seem, the less threatened by it they’ll feel, and the more comfortable they’ll feel abou asking you questions and actually discussing it.
In the end, I agree with Mrs – some guys, given all that – may still bolt. Consider this the fastest and easiest way of discovering how wrong they were for you before you invested even more of yourself!
And by the way – almost 3 million Australians have Herpes (whether they know it or not) so buck up, you are far from alone! And with current treatments that reduce risk of transmission by up to 50% and supress outbreaks..it really isn’t the big scary it once was.
Good luck!
loading...
I got genital herpes from my current partner about 5 years ago. He told me he had it within the first week of us dating and before we had had intercourse. He had got it when he was 16 – the person he contracted it from never told him she had it and after he was diagnosed, he approached her about it but she got very angry with him and denied having it. It was the first time he’d ever had sex, so there was no doubting who he’d caught it from! And what a great first sex experience, to end up with herpes!!!!
But I went into this relationship fully aware and eyes wide open. Despite trying to avoid contracting it, I did after about 2 years have my first episode which was excruciatingly painful. Since then I have only had 1 other breakout, which was pain free. We have since had a child together – and obviously I had to advise our ObGyn of my herpes in case I had an outbreak around the time of giving birth (which I didn’t). Aside from that it’s had no impact on my life or sex life with my partner and it’s pretty much a non issue for us. Neither of us have had breakouts for years.
However, I can certainly see that it would become a problem if I weren’t in a relationship and had to start dating again, so I sympathise with your situation completely.
Annie I think you just need to continue being frank, open and honest with potential suitors. Ignorance tends to be the main cause of fear about herpes – people just don’t understand it or they think it’s far worse than it really is. There are MUCH worse things you could get. I remember being aghast and horrified when my partner told me he had it, but he explained it to me so that I understood what it was all about and upon doing some research of my own and finding a bit more about it I realised that we could live with it and still have a meaningful, successful relationship and sex life. You just have to find the right person and I agree with others who have said that if guys run a mile at the first mention of it, then they really aren’t worth staying with anyway.
Herpes is a lot more common than what people think as you can have it for years and not know or have no symptoms or breakouts. Perhaps rather than make it this big huge thing that your carrying, make the conversation more ‘matter-of-fact’ and give them time to go away and do a bit of research. Make them realise that it’s not gonorrhoea or HIV that you’ve got, it’s herpes and sure there’s no cure for it, but there are effective treatments available (if necessary) and you can still enjoy life and sex to the full.
Good luck! I hope you find someone special very soon.
loading...
I found out I had herpes a approx 4 years ago. The symptoms we so odd. I felt like I was run down and getting a cold. It was only when I went to the doctors that she suggested I get a full STD check. Turns out I had herpes. My partner at the time (whom I’m still with) swore it wasn’t from him and I didn’t think it was from me (he was tested and has it too). Going through the tests and finding out I had the virus was one of the most daunting times of my life because I was too embarrased to tell anyone apart from my partner. I still to this day haven’t told anyone. But on the upside, I haven’t an outbreak since my discovery (touch wood).
It always scares me what I would do if my partner & I broke up and how would I tell a potential new partner.
Good luck Annie. You will most definitely find someone out there who loves you so much that this is just a bump in the road!
loading...
I was was diagnosed with herpes when i was 17,(12 years ago) before I’d even had sex. I thought I was being safe by not having sex, but it turns out like many others who have commented here (which btw makes me feel a lot more reassured) my boyfriend had a coldsore. Which means I ended up with HSV-1.
When i found out i had very little support, my female doctor told me I was a liar and I must have had sex, and my mum, who had no experience of anything like this freaked out and made me feel pretty dirty.
I did alot of reading on it and have spoken to alot of doctors over the years. I’m now at peace about it with myself. Thankfully, it very rarely affects me now, and when i do feel an outbreak on the way, i know how to manage it. BUT one doctor did tell me not to tell anyone.
I’ve had some harrowing experiences where I’ve had people turn tail and run when i’ve told them. but mostly, people don’t care, or people don’t seem to grasp the issue (which is probably more often the case).
I find that the decent ones who actually do want to be in your life will find out more, talk to you about it, and generally stick around. However, i wouldn’t be telling anyone on a one night stand.
We all know the stats and the risks, and we should all be responsible for our health. I make sure that i never have sex with anyone without a condom, and i have NEVER since let anyone go down on me.
But, the decision to tell is up to the individual, the severity, the relationship itself, and how you think you can deal with the consequences.
loading...
Janine, I’ve been super aware of sexual safety after realising how easily it can happen .. making sure condoms are on before lights are off, so to speak. At least until we are both committed in the relationship and have had all the tests, etc.
But you now don’t partake in oral sex – at least receiving it? Why is that? It’s not contagious unless you’re having an outbreak. I know there’s the shedding argument, but seriously, intimacy without oral sex (giving AND receiving) is not something I’m willing to give up. Sure, I give my partner the information and the choice, but if he is comfortable with it, then he has to be THAT comfortable with it. And I haven’t found that to be a problem, to be honest.
loading...
I realise there’s very little chance of passing it on, but I just don’t think i could live with myself if on the off chance, I did.
Aside from that though and this is mainly the reason, unfortunately I no longer see receiving oral sex as an enjoyable activity. Instead of enjoying it, I lay there stressing about if i did pass it on, and feeling uncomfortable and my brain seems to associate the act with negative feelings, so I avoid it.
I still love to give though!
loading...
Yeah, that makes sense. I hope you’ve found other fun things to replace it then .. and I’m sure you have! Toys are good.
This is a really great topic as it’s not often you get to openly discuss this with others suffering it. It’s very interesting!
loading...
I got it from my first boyfriend’s cold sore too! I feel like its a scenario that got missed in sex ed when I went through school.
loading...
My ex partner had herpes. He told me after we had already had sex a few times – but he was very careful and knew how to ensure he didn’t pass it on. I really didn’t mind – I loved him and so… well, so what!?
I don’t think he was dishonest by not telling me up front.
I never caught it off him btw. And we were together for over 4 years.
I am sure I would feel very differently about it all had I caught it – but if you take the right precautions it is completely safe.
Those idiots who run away because you are being up front and honest don’t deserve you!
loading...
Be honest. Make sure he’s someone that you would actually like to confide in (and be with), and take it slow getting around to the physical side of things. Just tell him before any clothing comes off so you can have a semi-rational conversation about it. If you’re considering getting into bed together, as responsible adults you should be discussing contraception and protection anyway, right? My now-husband was very accepting when I told him and even helped me get past many of my feelings of guilt and shame about it. He even did some reading himself so he was more informed, and we discussed the possibility of me getting the medication. Speak to your GP – If you have recurrent bouts, you can get the medication to manage it, but my bouts are infrequent and I can usually tell when they’re on the way, so abstinence works for us when I’m symptomatic. My husband has NEVER had a single symptom and has said that if he does, he knew the risks and figured I’m worth it anyway
All the best… I really do feel your pain. It’s gut-wrenching, but not insurmountable.
loading...
I forgot to mention .. in my relationships over the years, (up until now) they have all been with guys who haven’t had the virus. Once we get over the 3 month mark (or thereabouts) where we agree we’re in a monogomous, committed relationship, the condoms go out the window. And I have never passed the virus on. It definitely CAN be managed.
In terms of HOW I tell a prospective partner, it’s definitely NOT on the first date. It’s at the point where we’re looking at probably having sex at the next meeting or roughly that timing. And I’ll say something like, “I have something I need to tell you. I have herpes. I believe you have a right to know, however you should also know that I’ve had it for a long time and I have never passed it on to anyone else. I am honest and open about it and while I rarely have outbreaks these days, I absolutely will not put your health at risk if I suspect I may be getting one. Please feel free to ask me any questions you would like to.”
loading...
I am amazed how little people know the difference between HPV and herpes simplex virus, and how little people seem to know on STI’s, and don’t use condoms during oral sex with a new partner. Considering gonorrhea is now show antibiotic resistance and the chlamydia rate had jumped hugely since 2000 it foolish to consider unprotected sex of any form with anyone unless you are in a well informed, trusting monogamous relationship. I don’t judge people on who they share access to their fun parts too, or unfortunate accidents, but there are things that will make your bits fall off out there, show some caution.
loading...
Hi Annie, you poor thing, you’ve had a rough trot. I first got herpes from my ex-boyfriend about 11 or 12 years ago (via a cold sore he had at the time – so I have Type 1. No animosity towards him – perhaps naively, neither of us has any idea that it could be transmitted to the genitals via a cold sore).
Anyway, I don’t have any wonderful advice for you in regards to how you should tell potential partners – I’ve been with my partner for 8 years and I honestly don’t remember how or when I first told him. It wasn’t a first date conversation, but it must have been in the first few weeks. But I can tell you:
1) you definitely need to tell potential partners – imagine how you would feel if you’d been with someone for months and they hadn’t told you. Way to ruin the trust in a relationship before it’s even got going!
2) you WILL find guys who don’t care (or as others have said, who have it themselves) so don’t write yourself off as an old maid just yet!!
As I am in a permanent/long-term relationship, we don’t use condoms (very small risk I guess, but one my partner is prepared to take) and I am very in tune with it all, so as soon as I even suspect I might be having an outbreak (which I’ve only had about 4 times in 11 years) we don’t have sex until I’ve got the all clear.
The only impact it’s had on my life is that, as luck would have it, I got an outbreak towards the end of my 2nd pregnancy so my son was born via cesarean.
All will work out for you! xo
loading...
Sorry, I should add there that, despite what my partner and I do, the general advice is definitely to use a condom as sometimes outbreaks can be asymptomatic (so you don’t know it’s happening) but you still get ‘viral shedding’ so can pass it on to partners.
Don’t want anyone to blast me for spreading advice on unsafe practices!
loading...
Would you mind sharing what are the symptoms of an outbreak?
loading...
Tingling, tenderness, redness – that’s how I know it’s coming.
loading...
anon, this is taken from herpes.com.au
“If you are experiencing a severe first episode of genital herpes, you may notice that your lymph nodes (the glands in your groin, neck and armpit) are swollen, or that you have flu-like symptoms such as sore muscles, tiredness, headaches, fever and chills. You may notice swelling, pain or itching around the genitals, possibly followed by painful red spots that can form small blisters. These blisters may burst to form open sores or ulcers, which crust over and heal. You may also experience pain when urinating due to the tenderness in your genital area.”
Less severe outbreaks tend to be (taken from thefacts.com.au)
“The most common symptoms of genital herpes include: Tingling; Itching; Redness.
These are usually followed by one or more of the following:
Localised chafing; A distinct rash; Small cracks in the skin; Tiny sores; Blisters that burst and become painful ulcers”
I usually feel a tingling sensation in certain areas of my labia first and that’s when I start to suspect something may be about to happen. When I’m having a full-on outbreak, I get little red, painful sores that eventually turn into small blisters and burst.
But I understand it can be quite different for different people (and even for different outbreaks in the same person) so look up one of the really good sites I’ve mentioned above to get a better idea.
loading...
You will start to feel like you’re getting a flu – run down, tired and achy without necessarily the attendant respiratory or gastric issues (it is a virus, after all). For a lot of people, it can be at a time of stress, or if you’re not looking after yourself – late nights, poor diet etc. (In this regard, relapses are pretty easy to avoid.) The big tell-tale is the “tingling” they refer to in the ads – not happy tingling, but really annoying itchy tingling in your privates. It may not be just at the front, but you may start off feeling sore and itchy around your bottom. Don’t ignore it… I know it’s mortifying but just get it seen to, get the antivirals, and try to hit it before the blisters develop and burst because it can make going to the toilet and even sitting or wearing trousers a right royal pain in the… proverbial.
Salt baths can help the blisters dry up if it comes to that, and taking L-lysine (an amino acid) can also help stave things off or shorten the length and severity of an attack.
I’m really glad this topic came up. As someone who has this disease I have lived with the guilt and shame of it for almost 14 years. The thought of telling new partners just terrified me but being that open and honest from the start can be really good for a relationship with a person who cares more for you as a person than they do for their own private parts.
Especially with news of that predator out there at the moment who has knowingly infected possibly hundreds of women with HIV, I think it is increasingly important that we get real about the prevalence of STIs.
loading...
Excuse my ignorance but is the herpes virus from cold sores is different to genital herpes? I had no idea you could get it from a cold sore…
loading...
from my understanding they are the same virus – just different locations
loading...
Success Story has written a nice little summary below, but I’ll cut & paste it for ease:
“Herpes is mostly two strains of the same virus: HSV-1, which is the cold sore virus; and, HSV-2, which is generally the genital herpes virus. Although genital herpes CAN be caused from the HSV-1 virus .. and this is becoming more common from the increased popularity of oral sex. (Just for interest, the herpes family of viruses also cause chicken pox and shingles.)
Genital warts are NOT genital herpes. And herpes lesions are NOT genital warts. That’s a whole separate virus.”
So, although type 1 & type 2 were previously considered to be discreet to certain regions (type 1 to mouth – “cold sores” and type 2 to the genitals) you can, indeed, get type 1 on the genitals (through oral sex) and this is becoming more common, as Success Story says.
It’s a pretty academic point though. The symptoms and treatments are basically the same.
So take home message……. BE CAREFUL if you or your partner have a cold sore!!!
loading...
If it was me, I would tell people sooner rather than later. (Ie. in the first couple of dates). Explain the situation of the ex cheating etc, your treatment, and that you thought you should tell them straight up because if they have a major problem with it, then it seems silly to carry on. If they run, then they’re not right for you and you haven’t wasted too much in the time and emotional stakes. Someone who is open minded will say ok, thanks for letting me know, lets be safe about it, and if things get serious then we can talk about it more later.
loading...
Get this – I only found out my husband had herpes AFTER we were married. It was around the time we were contemplating having children that he thought it was the right time to tell me. Obviously I was absolutely furious and gobsmacked etc., however, we have had a gorgeous child, I still don’t have herpes and it just isn’t really an issue with us at all. I suppose though if I do end up getting it I will be pissed off.
loading...
Wow I would have been very pissed if I were you!
loading...
Oh I was believe me……although I think I am the most tolerent f@#king person I know…..wish I wasn’t sometimes. His whole thing was that he never came near me if he felt any kind of symptoms of a breakout and to be honest, we never had/have sex more than about once a fortnight (sad but works for us). But you know if he had told me about it very early on, I reckon I would have put the brakes on the whole thing. But it certainly took me a long while to gain respect back for him. I think he knew I would have run a mile if he had’ve told me and he was probably right….and it’s not just because of the herpes…he had a bit of a chequered past so the herpes would have just sealed the deal and scared me right off!!
loading...
I wonder if there is anyone medical out there who can provide a little information on this?
Some people below are talking about getting cold sores from time to time.
I thought we were talking about the genital wart type of herpes, and that the the cold sore type of herpes virus was separate.
Are they actually one & the same thing? i.e. can people with cold sores suddenly get a genital wart without having ever had genital contact with someone with genital warts?
Sorry to be so graphic, I’m just a little confused.
Also, is genital herpes incurable or curable these days?
loading...
There is two types of herpes. The coldsore one and the genital one (HSV 1 and HSV 2 = although they are both from the same virus).
One can be transmitted to the other (ie oral sex) but all in all, if you have coldsores it is entirely different to the one ‘down there’.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes_simplex
loading...
Herpes is mostly two strains of the same virus: HSV-1, which is the cold sore virus; and, HSV-2, which is generally the genital herpes virus. Although genital herpes CAN be caused from the HSV-1 virus .. and this is becoming more common from the increased popularity of oral sex. (Just for interest, the herpes family of viruses also cause chicken pox and shingles.)
Genital warts are NOT genital herpes. And herpes lesions are NOT genital warts. That’s a whole separate virus.
Herpes is not curable .. although the symptoms decrease over time. Often to nothing. But you will always have the virus. And even in the early days of contracting the virus, the symptoms can differ widely for each person.
Hope that helps.
loading...
Australia also have a foolishly high herpes infection rate, generally stated at 1 in 8 people, but for kids of university and late high school age, the rate is 1 in 4. Kids, use a condom.
loading...
And to the doctor who tried to burn off my first herpes sores thinking they were genital warts – OW OW OW OW!
loading...
Just adding that the HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) can cause genital warts, which might be why people are getting them confused with HSV (Herpes Simplex Virus)
loading...
I have herpes too but I got it from my first boyfriend and neither of us were cheating and we were both each others firsts. It took a while to work out but I actually have type 2 herpes which was from oral sex whilst he had cold sore symptoms. Not nice to find out but it was slightly comforting that it wasn’t through any unfaithfulness. Even though technically it’s a different,less severe form of genital herpes it is still genital herpes.
Anyway, after that relationship ended I didn’t think too much of it until I met a lovely boy and I felt it was going places. I did tell him and you know what, he is a lovely boy and he’s now my lovely husband. You should tell anyone you are going to be involved with as they have a right to know. Just make sure you know all the facts of your condition so you can put their mind at ease if they’re not sure. Knowledge is very important. You are not doomed to a lonely future if you meet the right guy. And it is true, it’s more common than people realise but it doesn’t help that it has such negative connotations. I mean, it’s not exactly great news, but it’s no where near the end of the world.
loading...
Whoops, just realised what I wrote and I meant to say I have type 1 herpes not type 2. Sorry if I confused anyone.
loading...
Hi Annie. Oh, how I sympathise with you! I caught herpes in 1989 when I was 20 years old from someone I shouldn’t have trusted.
I have maintained a rule that before someone becomes intimate with me, they have a RIGHT to know and make the choice for themself. This has had mixed success .. several of them have turned tail and run but many haven’t. In hindsight, more have been OK with it than I would have thought. Honestly, I’m not sure how I would react if I were faced with the news.
Now for a suggestion. Keep at it .. there ARE guys who it won’t matter to. But better, try a dating website like http://www.positivesingles.com. I recently met my current partner through there and while we have never been happier relationship-wise, the fact there there are NO health issues to worry about is nothing short of bliss!
And even if you meet guys through other channels, there is such a high rate of people having this virus now, that chances are you’ll come across some anyway!
Best of luck!
loading...
I found out i had Herpes when I was with my boyfriend only for a few months (now we are married BTW) and he knew it wasn’t from him. we had already been having unprotected sex for a long time. he took it in his stride and honestly, and strangely enough, he has NEVER had any symptoms and it seems unlikely he has caught it from me.
other than the traumatic first few weeks, i have not really thought of it as a problem, my gyno said not to worry that it’s more common than you think, and every one i have told (my best friend for example) has not had any problem with it.
Honestly, if in the future i broke up with my husband (hope not!) i don’t think i would tell my prospective man until we were well established!
loading...
I am contemplating telling my boyfriend for the first time that I have herpes. I have never felt so awful in my life. It doesn’t help that other things in my life aren’t really going that great at the moment and that the thought of his rejection terrifies me. I’m hoping that he is one of those great guys people have been writing about. Unfortunately I have a track record of awful break ups and I’m not very optimistic. I just hope I have the strength to do this.
loading...
Please bare with me I am just trying to understand more fully.
If he can’t get it from using a condom why would he run away? are these boys the kind that refuse to wear condoms? because they aren’t worth it even if you don’t have herpes.
Or are they running away because they are mis-informed about the disease and think they can catch it from holding hands?
I don’t know much about herpes, but i think i heard that over many years it can go away and symptoms decrease. If your symptoms are a cole sore when you get run down everynow and then I don’t understand why someone who wants to be with you wouldn’t be happy to use protection until such a time?
loading...
2 cents worth..
There are two strains of herpes / Simplex 1 & 2.
1 is the general on the mouth/face type you see that more than half the population has even if they’ve never had a recognisable outbreak.
2 is generally genital herpes. It’s for life regardless of frequency of outbreaks.
As for condom protection herpes can be over the entire genital region so if it’s a bad outbreak or the sores are over more of an area than the vagina then a condom isn’t going to help you.
Hope this cleared some queries up?
I do have a question about your view on the type of boys who won’t/don’t wear condoms though – I may be wrong but it seems like a negative view? Just because someone wants to have full skin to skin pleasure without the hinderance of a condom I don’t think should be viewed negatively. However I do think that the obvious scans/tests should be done before this..
loading...
Your honesty is good karma for when you find someone who wants to stay…it really is! You have to believe that someone will understand one day soon.
I feel for you! But rest assured you are not alone. I haven’t been in this situation myself but I know of people who have…including someone who was married to her partner for 20 years…and she found out she had herpes from one of the women her husband cheated on her with!
Wishing you all the bext
loading...
Hi Annie
I went through this as well. I was worried I had it, and nervous to see a doctor for a long time. I then was told by the doctor I had HPV Herpes simplex virus. It wasn’t full blown herpes, but I get cold sores time to time. I told my boyfriend about my fears before I saw the doctor and he said “It will be OK. Not much fazes me.” So even if there was a chance he wasn’t too worried. So never fear, someone will understand and love you anyway!
loading...
Hi Annie*,
Honesty is the best policy.Only you can make the decision when it is best to tell the person you’re involved.
I do feel,that if you meet someone who really cares about you and understands you,they will accept you wholeheartedly.
You can still have a life,a relationship and you can still have a family.
Best of luck to you.I hope you find what you are looking for!
loading...
sorry to be blunt but what type of herpes? Is it HPV?
loading...
HPV and herpes are two different things..
loading...