That’s a safe-for-work way of asking: is anal the new oral? Now might be a good time to bookmark this post for later if you have anyone very young or boss-like hovering near your computer. Because we’re going to talk about sex. Ready? Good.
This question about anal sex becoming as common as oral sex used to be is not a new one really. I’ve been hearing it asked for several years. This co-incides neatly with the mainstreaming of online porn.
Someone sent me a link to this entry in the things-bogans-like site this week. Let’s not get into a discussion about the implied judgement in the word ‘Bogan’. Let’s save that for another day (how’s never? is never good for you?).
For the purpose of this post, I really want to stick to the subject of anal sex (hello Mum, Dad, my mother-in-law and everyone else who would never otherwise hear me say the words ‘anal sex’ which excludes anyone I’ve ever worked with. Oh the sealed sections I have had to write/commission/edit on The Last Sexual Taboo….).
So I get into a discussion about anal sex with this (male) friend who sent me the link. FYI he sent it to me for Mamamia not to, like, flirt. (trust me). Similarly, I am able to have discussions about such things as anal sex without being the remotest bit flirty. See above point about work and sealed sections.
Anyway.
I asked him what he thought about the link which basically said that anal sex was purely about domination and was loved by guys who were into porn. He agreed, adding that the abundance of porn has led to a belief that is completely normal behaviour and not the dominating sexual act that he believes it is (he’s not into it at all).
My friend said that the guys he knew who did it only did it when they wanted to have sex with someone and be done with it. Very wham bam. And the girls he knows who are into it are REAALLY into it.
This raises an interesting point. All the women I know insist they’re not into it. In fact I’ve never met a woman who says she loves it or even likes it. Hell, I’ve not even met a woman who admits she regularly does it.
But all the men I know insist that some women love it. Which suggests that these women are lying to someone -either their friends or their sex partners.
My view is this. Anything that is consensual between two adults who are both in a fit state to give that consent (ie: not wasted, asleep etc) is OK. But are younger women being pressured into anal sex because young guys have been exposed to such a steady diet of porn since they were teens?
I once remember reading about how an emergency room in Sweden (or some country like that, I’m foggy on the geographical specifics) was seeing an alarming rise in prolapsed colons and colon injury in teens/young women – attributed to aggressive anal sex. They learned that apparently this was accepted as the norm from boys’ exposure to vast amounts of Euro anal porn.
Oh lordy. They didn’t mention THIS in Where Did I Come From…….
Anyone care to share their views or experiences? Do most guys try it on? Is the “I’m sorry, I slipped!” line getting a little old? Do you think the rise of anal sex is linked to porn and is there more pressure to do it now than, say a decade or two ago?
(I’m guessing there won’t be too many non-anonymous comments for this one. Can I just suggest you make up a name instead of using ‘Anonymous’ so as to avoid confusion…..)
AND…….If you haven’t already subscribed to the Mamamia daily email, you really, seriously should. That way, you won’t miss what’s going on around here each day and it will give you something fun and interesting to divert your attention away from the 3pm blahs every day.
So go here.







Comments
372 Comments so far
I initiated it with my husband the first time. First day after sensation was really pronounced. Any time since has not been noticeable except if we didn’t take time to fetch the lube bottle. Wondering if I permanently stretched (because there is no after-effects like the first time) is my only concern. We have had a threesome with another guy (his brother) once, and look forward to doing it again when he is next in town. I know I am veering off topic but it made me feel very regal to have two men working on giving me pleasure at the same time.
Because we are happily using condoms for contraception, it is a nice break from routine to go back-door condom-less when I know I am not in a fertile time of the month for the added feeling of lower-risk closeness. Other times we use condom for back door for less scrubbing required after.
Being in my 20′s growing up in western society I feel almost conditioned (but not pressured iykwim) to be highly sexed and into anal, rimming, threesomes etc. Not just by porn though, from everywhere. I remember how revolting and hard to believe the idea of rimming was when I first heard it as a kid, now it is part of our repertoire. I think anal fisting is still taboo for me personally though!!
loading...
Um, am I reading right that you do anal sex without a condom?
From what I’ve read this isn’t such a good idea, poo particles (for want of a better term) can travel into the penis and cause infection.
If you’ve already thought of that, ignore this!
loading...
I don’t know if it is true but I was once told a story about a guy who got a penis infection because he and his wife had unprotected anal sex and she had a tomato seed in ther anal passage. You can probably guess what happened next…
Yes, the tomato seed was lodged in his pee hole and he was a very sick man.
Whether this is true or not, I don’t know. But I could see how it could happen…
just sayin’
loading...
I know a guy that that happened to, except it was a corn kernal!
loading...
I know a guy that this happened to, except it was a corn kernal!
loading...
Too Weird!
loading...
Wow….um…family get togethers at your in-laws must be fun!
I’m 37 and none of those things were ever expected of us. Times have changed. And that isn’t said in a judgemental kind of way.
Maybe internet porn is behind this as Mia suggests.
loading...
Possibly the first time you did it it was at a certain time of the month where you’re body is more sensitive. I always find the day before my period sex is uncomfortable because my whole body is just a little more sensitive, and I don’t really want to be touched anywhere.
loading...
What’s rimming?
loading...
The act of sucking someones anus. It’s very nice on both sides..i rim and clean my wife every night…and she loves it. Most times it feels as if she is the one dominating me..
loading...
EVERY NIGHT! Do you ever get mouth infections.. I’m serious that can’t be healthy. Ecoli anyone?
loading...
Hang on a sec… his brother??
I mean, I can understand why YOU wouldn’t have a problem with that (I certainly wouldn’t be turning down a threesome with sam and dean winchester from supernatural- *cough*… for example), but wouldn’t it be a little odd for the brothers???
loading...
My boyfriend (that sounds so wrong given I’m 29 and have a child) has gone overseas for a year, and as a parting present I let him have my anus
loading...
Has your anus sent you any postcards??
loading...
ahahahahahaha the best laugh I’ve had all day
loading...
Oh my goodness, I didn’t realise so many women were doing this! I would never in a million years have anal sex – the thought makes me cringe. How painful it must be. I’d also feel humiliated afterwards I reckon. Luckily my husband has no interest in it. We’re in our 30s. I think the prevalence of internet porn is definitely shaping the way younger people think about sex. It makes me sad to think that teenage girls are doing things they might not want to, just because they think it’s expected.
loading...
I have mates who say they LOVE anal sex, and their partners LOVE it as well. I’ve done it. Its ok. Nothing beats the feeling of woman’s va… va… vagina though. The anus, or colon, is just tight – very little else. Its more a mental stimulation than a physical pleasure.
The vagina, on the other hand, has so many different sensations (for the guy as well as the woman) – angle it this way, and you feel that – angle that way, and you feel this.
I could say with 100% certainty there was one girl who REALLY loved being penetrated in that way – but that was when both orifices were being used at once – she described the sensation as being BOTH an enormous physical AND mental stimulant/turn on.
Other girls tend to suggest it because they seem to think its “required” – or “normal”.
And don’t get me started on tossed salads – NO WAY JOSE!
Here’s a curve ball – I have a mate who LOVEs having his girlfriend (how can i put this nicely) penetrate his butt with her finger whilst in the middle of coitus. Yes, he is totally straight – as am I).
Now I’ve made the obvious jokes about him being “in the closet”, and even though I know this is not true, do any other guys enjoy this? Not something I would try I have to say.
loading...
Probably showing my age here, but umm… what’s a tossed salad?
loading...
I didn’t know either, but good old urban dictionary solved that.
Ummmm, let’s say it’s a combination of bottoms and mouths…
loading...
it’s anilingus
loading...
I’m so glad someone knows – how old do I feel? Quite an education I’m getting…
loading...
yeah, a lot of guys LOVE the cheeky finger. Try it sometime!
loading...
I tried it on a guy one time and he jumped higher than a cat on a hot tin roof. Def. not for everyone!
loading...
Did you trim your nails first? lol
loading...
My bf loves it, I love a cheeky finger up there too.
loading...
agreed, an ex used to love a finger up his rear when he was receiving oral
loading...
It’s an amazing feeling… our G-spots are up there. Get involved! And anyone who suggests it’s “gay” is wrong. I am 100% secure with my heterosexuality. I am only attracted to women and I enjoy them penetrating me. It’s pretty simple really.
loading...
my hubby and i both enjoy a bit of a tickle around the old bum hole!
loading...
I’ve had a couple of BFs who liked it and I was theoretically happy to enhance the pleasure, but call me nanna, the reality was I got grossed out because poo comes out of it..
loading...
My partner is very keen to do it. Its one of a number of things we would like to explore and no doubt it eventually happen but don’t tell him that because in the interim I’m getting quite a laugh out of telling him ‘not til we’re engaged…..a ring for a ring!’
Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating the use of sex acts as a bartering tool etc. What’s made me laugh the hardest is he’s agreed!
loading...
Bahahahahaha! I thought the old “a ring for a ring” trick would work too. We got engaged, got married and then I said no.
Naughty me. But hey, its my bottom
loading...
I said “wives might do that but girlfriends don’t”!
loading...
HAHAHAHA loved that!
loading...
I had never heard of it before but someone I was previously with was really into it. This man was also very much into porn. Porn in which women were humiliated. I should have known! I think what goes on between consenting adults is fine but I felt pressured by this man. I didn’t like it. And I feel that one of the reasons he was so into it was to act like a porn star and so that he didn’t have to look at me. Sad but true. I’ve asked my friends about, most of them have done it once, none of them like it!
loading...
I’m one of those women who genuinely enjoy it, and have admitted to my closest friends, but got a shocked and uncomfortable reaction, and will keep it between my partner and me in future. I think it’s frequently approached the wrong way, and is definitely uncomfortable if it’s rushed or if you’re not into it. We started using it as an alternative with me on top so I could control depth and stay within my comfort zone, and it’s so pleasurable for both of us that it’s become a regular part of our sex life. But it’s definitely never been a male-dominant act for us. But to me it still feels very taboo (perhaps that adds to the pleasure?)!
loading...
my bf and I tried it for the first time many years ago when we were both quite drunk. Both enjoyed it and it has been on the menu occasionally since then. It is definitely something I have to be in the right frame of mind for and definitely requires a lot of trust in your partner.
However since giving birth about a year ago, the tearing and the hemorrhoids I suffered with for months after have definitely put me off.
loading...
I’ve gone up the BF’s butt with a (little) vibrator before too – fair’s fair! He likes it occasionally, as long as it’s gentle and well-lubed (which is how we approach anal anyway). He runs a successful business and is always on the go and in charge, so I think sometimes he likes to be dominated too.
loading...
Umm, I like it. I can’t explain why but it’s a sexy mixture of pleasure and pain. It’s also the dirty/naughty/taboo factor – sometimes I like “going there” if we’re really hot and heavy and I want to take it up a notch. My (long-term, for what it’s worth) boyfriend and I don’t do it very often, but we both enjoy it when we do. I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t completely trusting of him.
loading...
that’s the key Kitty. Trust. I think you should trust the person you’re doing this with.
loading...
My boyfriend and I are both 22 and we’ve tried anal, but it was uncomfortable for me and we stopped. We’ve decided to do lots of playing (fingers/vibrator) with each other’s anuses (which i enjoy) before we ever attempt the big one again.
I’m curious it to try it, but it is my boyfriend that is REALLY keen on the idea. He doesn’t put pressure on me and would never make me do something i didn’t want to – but he has let me know that he’s into it and wants it.
Did he get this idea from porn? Could have. We watch internet porn together, usually the couply home-video type, and sometimes there is anal. I don’t think he watches a lot of porn when i’m not around, but he might!
A few female friends have done it, all with trusted partners and it wasn’t unpleasant but i get the feeling they could take it or leave it.
loading...
I probably would have tried it but a girlfriend’s story put me off.
She had anal sex with her partner and afterwards when they were lying in bed she felt the need to fart – except she ended up accidentally slipping out a really big poo instead. She cupped it into her hands are asked her BF “so you still think anal is sexy honey?”. I laughed my arse off when they told me but it was enough to let me know that it’s an area to service only one purpose.
loading...
haha. CAN’T. STOP. LAUGHING. TEARS.
loading...
still can’t believe she cupped it in her hands.
loading...
Priceless!
loading...
Same thing happened to me except my BF was still in the act so you can imagine the horror. Here’s a tip – don’t try anal when you’re constipated… or do and risk your BF almost throwing up on you
loading...
Have you seen Zack and Miri make a porno? That happens while they are filming the anal. From below.
loading...
Ahahahahahaha!
Although, I must admit I’ve kinda wondered if that sort of thing happened……
loading...
HAHAHAHAHA!!
Ok, not that I needed it, but that sealed the deal for me. NO F@CKING WAY!!
loading...
BEST. STORY. EVER.
loading...
have tried it, but not on purpose. we, err, slipped. ouch!
loading...
I haven’t tried it, and I know it’s not for me. Every sexual partner of mine has been understanding. Sure, some have asked but when I have given my reasons they have understood and backed off. But I do have have a very close friends – female – who loves it and is proud of it.
The Sex and The City episode presented the idea of one man found one woman who loved it and then started telling all his mates “WOMEN LOVE THIS” – maybe it’s a combination of porn and women, like my friend, who would scream it from the roof top that anal sex is A.O.K?!
loading...
When i get really drunk, its the only way i can get off Fully.
And yes it hurts the next day.
loading...
Hmmm not a fan. Probably because Ive never tried it, and probably never will. My husband is keen, of course! But I think he forgets I pushed out a 9lb 7oz baby while doing damage, so no anal sex is not on the cards. Ever.
I personally can’t get my head around the fact men enjoy putting their peens somewhere where you excrete fecal matter
Ewww.
As for the domination part? I can agree to a certain extent.
I think some men are of the opinion that because women in the porn industry do it that automatically all women enjoy it or its not painful. Ive been told that is it really painful.
That said, when the husband mentions it I ask if he would like something up his bottom. That tends to kill the appeal
loading...
I have to agree.. some passages are exits only..but again, each to their own..
loading...
I know (of) a woman who likes anal while talking to her mother on the phone. This (and a few other things) makes me think that sex is an area where people can be as screwed up as their partner thinks is ok. Its not for me and I agree that I would hate to be 18 and navigating the world of dating – its a lot different to discussing “going all the way” with someone !!!
loading...
While talking to her mum- for real? eeeeeeew!
loading...
I know – its beyond hideous – what’s worse is that she TELLS people that she does it!!!
loading...
That shit’s fucked up!!
loading...
In more ways than one…
loading...
I bet she doesn’t tell her mum!
loading...
Ummm…that’s ick.
loading...
I haven’t tried anal sex but wouldn’t necessarily say no especially if I approached it like Katyberry.
However, one of my girlfriends (and yes an actual friend not me) asked her bf to do it with her when we were 14. Them being very young and inexperienced didn’t help as I remember her not been able to sit down for a week or so! It was quite funny (she was laughing a lot too) and we still giggle about the time she tried anal.
loading...
The idea that anal sex is all about domination rubs me the wrong way. What about gay men? When they have penetrative sex is it always about domination? Is it impossible to have anal sex in a loving way?
I know men who love anal sex because it feels good. Not because they want to dominate their partner (male or female). I also know women that not only tolerate it, but enjoy it. I think it would a mistake to make generalizations that suggest that it is only men that want anal sex (I’m not suggesting this is what you were doing Mia) or that only men are being exposed to internet porn. Women use the internet a lot too, and I bet it’s not just for online shopping….
As for young women…being pressured into any type of sex is crap, and should not be tolerated. But I don’t necessarily see a difference between anal and vaginal sex in that regard.
But as you said, whatever floats your boat, and for some people anal really doesn’t. But I think that there is a helluva lot of taboo around anal, just like there was with oral sex and we’ll eventually get over it.
loading...
I agree its not always about domination, especially with gay guys.
My feeling though is men only have one hole down there for other men to use. While I already have one serviceable hole, the other one will not be used during sex.
loading...
I agree with this 100%, it’s not anal that is the worry, it’s being pressured into anything that one partner is not comfortable with.
I have to say that I view a lot of porn on the internet, and actually find it frustrating. Frustrating because I want to see women really enjoying themselves in sex, not tears running down someone’s face because they’ve been gagging on rough oral sex. And perhaps that is the problem – it’s much harder to find anal sex porn where both partners are enjoying it and in control, but there are vast amounts of porn where multiple guys will take turns, in what can only be called assaulting a girl and other variations of this nature. Now that’s just not right.
Sex is wonderful thing in all shapes and forms, just as long as all involved are on the same page!
loading...
You didn’t mention you were going to unleash this on the Today Show a few hours ago did you ? whoa
I don’t think the big A is all about male domination fantasy (I’m sure it is sometimes) – though I do think the trending behaviour probably does reflect porn trends. I’ve tried it (i’m male) and think it’s great if the female partner is also into it (though she may be faking ?) – if the female is obviously not enjoying it then the thrill is gone .. instant soft-on. So what’s enjoyable ? For many guys it would be the sensation of tightness around the appendage ..
I’m not saying there aren’t sometimes more sinister explanations for the male fantasy .. I just know that’s not always the case. Just saying.
loading...
For me it’s a trust thing… if a woman is unable to trust me enough to at least try, then I think that says a lot about the relationship. When I hear “hell no, no way you’re getting up there!” My first reaction is that the woman is either a selfish lover or has had a bad experience.
If it’s the former, then the relationship’s not going anywhere. If it’s the latter, and after time we are unable to build enough trust for her to at least start slowly and see if she’s comfortable, then it’s a telling sign that the relationship isn’t strong enough to last anyway.
On the flip side, I also like my women to do the same for me. I like the feeling of surrendering trust and power to my partner, either with her using a vibrator or wearing a strap on. And I have to say, the women I have been with love the feeling of power, trust and how close the experience of her penetrating me brings us.
Of course, start slow, get comfortable and use lots of lube. Relax the muscles with smaller objects,fingers and vibrators first. Then stop there. Don’t rush into it all at once… that’s where I think a lot of men shoot themselves in the foot with this one. They think it’s just going to slip on in and be enjoyable. Take a few sessions. There’s no rush!
loading...
just because a women doesnt want you to give her anal does not mean she is selfish! there is another hole right next to it which will keep both parties happy!! For men anal is different because they actually have pleasure points there but women dont and its very intrusive so the decision not to do it is personal and i think you calling them selfish or unable to trust in a relationship is not right.
loading...
I totally agree with you alwlsmw. I think it’s so unfair to say that there is something wrong with the relationship if she doesn’t want to try anal. It has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with her deciding what she does and doesn’t want to do with her body. Case closed.
loading...
Sure, it’s your decision to do what ever you want with your body… but a relationship is also about what you are willing to offer your partner. We all do things that don’t please us directly, but sometimes there is a greater pleasure to be found in making your partner happy. There are a thousand things I do for my partner where the only satisfaction is her pleasure, happiness or security.
loading...
Do these things you do just for her cause you physical pain? Loss of bowel control? Or risk of serious infection?
You letting her penetrate you is not the same things seeing as your g-spot is in your anus and hers is not.
loading...
I’ve been worried about this with anal sex as well. I heard that once your colon has been messed with, it just kind of carks it and doesn’t do it’s normal job properly. Hence the taboo, maybe??
loading...
I am a fully grown Woman and SOMETIMES like the anal after some rum..with no lube.
Sooo, yeah, there’s that. I always have to ask, though, thank goodness!
loading...
No lube… ouch. But reading that comment brought a huge smile to my face.
loading...
just because i don’t want you in my arse doesn’t make me a selfish lover or mean that I had a bad experience!
loading...
NO, it’s absolutely not something i am interested in, my husband is fine with that and I’ve never felt any pressure from him on the subject.
On the other hand I’m almost 40 (shudder) so I don’t know how different it is for younger women. It would be interesting to get some feel for the age group of people commenting on this issue, or is that asking for too much information?
loading...
I’m feeling brave, so I’m not even going to change my moniker!
My hubbie has always been keen, and we tried it a few times – it was never painful, but uncomfortable. I was never that keen, and hubbie would always mention it “I really wanna” but would never pressure me to do something I don’t like.
Anyway, over the past 6 months, we have been having a bit of a renaissance in the bedroom, and knowing he was really keen I agreed to try it again. But this time we really took our time, read lots of books, and downloaded an educational dvd to watch. Lots of playing around and going slowly (like over months and months). Anyway, now I can say yes, I really do enjoy anal sex. It isn’t for everyday, but (when combined with a vibrator) it makes me come really easily (when I have always had real problems with orgasming before).
So there you go!
But I have to say, after researching this a fair bit for my own benefit, I HATE the idea that anyone would do this without a proper understanding of how it all works. It is a recipe for disaster. From that point of view, I would certainly not engage in anal sex with someone who hasn’t demonstrated a healthy amount of respect for me and my body.
loading...
I want to see the educational DVD!
loading...
Totally agree with Evelyn – lots of lube is a must and a vibrator doesn’t go astray either.
I like it. It was my idea at first. The first time was the fastest orgasm I’ve ever had. Seriously. And I’ve personally never felt that it’s a domination thing – but that may be because it’s done in the context of a close relationship. I felt incredibly close to him after that first time. We both knew it was definitely something we wouldn’t have done with just anyone.
Any guy who tries it without asking on a one-night stand, or a first date – or at any time really, without talking about it first – deserves firstly a punch around the head and secondly a lube-free experience with the biggest vibrator you can find.
loading...
Ah, no. My husband will not be using the ‘tradie’s entrance’ anytime soon. In fact never.
loading...
Baahahahaaa… “tradie’s entrance”.. that’s pretty bloody funny…
loading...
Whatever floats your boat.
I have tried it a few times as my husband is obsessed with the idea but it’s not for me. Too uncomfortable.
Now when he mentions it, I just tell him “you first”. That seems to put a stop to it.
loading...
That’s exactly what I used to say! If it is so great/pleasurable for all involved then roll over and let me do you first with my vibrator.
loading...
It’s a shame he’s not open to it. One of the more intense feelings a man can ever have!
loading...
Possibly the most uneducated, ignorant response I have seen.
loading...
Exactly…how many orifices does a guy need for goodness sake…if women were sticking things in their ear or up their noses to the point of painful penetration can you imagine the outcry?
loading...
My man believes that to be exit only hole!
loading...
yep, one way road in my opinion
loading...
My ex-husband was always pressuring me for anal sex, with the attitude that if I didn’t want to, then I was selfish, not being open to new things, not wanting to please him in the bedroom etc. He had the same attitude towards oral sex, which I found very difficult (small jaw and high gag reflex does not help).
I found a finger in there could be a little stimulating, but nothing bigger than that! I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t stop wanting it when I told him no, it hurt, I wasn’t comfortable etc. Finding out later that he used to watch porn on the computer when I wasn’t there may have helped with that attitude. And that he was a selfish wanker.
If I ever get involved with someone again, I’m going to be upfront with what I will and won’t do from the beginning, and if they don’t like they can get lost. Implying that I was less of a wife and a woman by not wanting to do those things really screwed with my head.
loading...
Good luck finding a man, if that’s you’re attitude.
loading...
Faith, that’s a bit harsh. I don’t think this dated “you need to be the most passive and non-aggressive woman you can to find a man” attitude is relevant in 2010.
loading...
on another note, thirty-nine thumbs’ up hannuni! that’s awesome!
loading...
I’d rather not have one, under those circumstances.
loading...
I don’t think you have trouble finding a man if you are upfront and honest about what you do and don’t want. Jeez, if you have to have anal and give blow jobs just to keep a bloke, then he’s not worth keeping. Sorry you had such a crap experience Single Mum.. there are plenty of very nice fellas out there.. you just have to find them..
loading...
Thats such bullshit Faith. Ive never had any trouble finding a guy and I have no doubt over what I will and wont do. I think the point is to find a NICE man. And im sure you will Single Mum
loading...
Faith J, you may not have meant your comment to come off so mean, but it was.
I would not get into a relationship with a guy that only wanted me for my ability to give oral sex and anal. If that’s all he wants out of the relationship, then I’m very happy continuing to be single.
Being up front about that is called communicating. Deciding what the boundaries are with my own body, is called having self-respect.
loading...
Personally I think this comment should be deleted. I find it exceedingly offensive and has no place on this post.
loading...
Faith,
For someone so liberated by anal sex, you sure sound uptight.
loading...
I really think that some of faiths comments should be looked at and deleted. She is offensive, crude and I do not think that her sentiments belong here. Enjoy your single status single mum, I am sure that when and if the time is right you will find a loving respectful relationship.
loading...
Is Faith a he or a she???
loading...
Faith J, have you got some serious low-self-esteem issues?? Is taking it up the arse and blowing guys your way of thinking that they like you? Because seriously, your attitude to other people’s comments is just rude.
Or are you just shitting us and trying to get a response?
loading...
*your
loading...
Faith J, your comments are SO awful. Dont listen to this person singlemum. There are PLENTY of decent guys out there who will respect everything a woman doesn’t want to do in the bedroom.
Seriously Faith J, stop being so harsh. Each to their own.
loading...
I think that should be exactly your attitude! If someone can’t accept the things you do or don’t want to do, then it’s far better for both of you to work that out early and move on.
And personally, I would far rather someone was straight with me from the beginning – I. Wont. Do. Dishes. Ever. for example. Fine, now I know and I can make a decsion about how much it matters. Sorry, off topic I know, but it hit a nerve…
loading...
100% agree.
loading...
I agree with you about being upfront from the start. It will open up communication and make it better for both of you – assuming the conversation could be not just about what you won’t do or have done, but also what you like. And if it makes it harder to “get a man” – well, you pretty much already said it when you say they can get lost. You shouldn’t want someone who isn’t willing to be with you because you don’t go down on him, or have anal sex or whatever it might be.
loading...
Sure but at the same time anyone is free to change their made during a relationship as well, and say no to whatever they don’t want; as well as ask for exactly what they do want.
loading...
He does sound like a wank! Makes me glad my bf understands that sometimes things can hurt – not in a good way. He gets that it’s not just about him, we both have to enjoy it. I had a partner who would push my head down for oral, made me hate anticipating when he would do it while we were messing around. However now I love giving oral to my bf. Good man makes all the difference I say. Good on you for knowing what you want!
loading...
That’s something I find men get from porn. I was discussing with friends the fact that men always push the girls down onto him during porn, and everyone agreed it just doesnt happen like that normally.
loading...
My boyfriend loves anal sex.
However Ive never really been into it. We have tried a couple of times to do it but I find it excruciatingly painful.
Although I know how much he enjoys it. He knows I don’t enjoy it very much and never pressures me into it.
He also knows porn is all fake and alot of the time not real, heused to watch it before he met me and has told me he doesn’t ever expect sex to be like that. So I guess some guys are sometimes really stupid to think sex in real life will always be like that.
I guess it’s all about personal preference.
loading...
Anal sex is just one example of the dangerous attitude some people (especially young men) have about sex these days. *Some* men have always been, and will always be selfish about sex, but I think greater access to pornography just gives these men more different ideas about how to exploit women. I think your friend is right Mia, about it being mostly about domination.
I genuinely feel for young women who are navigating the dating world these days. There is so much pressure to knock your partner’s socks off in the bedroom. With many young men seeing so much porn, they have pretty high expectations! (Not to mention that they often have multiple sexual partners – sometimes at the same time).
I’m not saying that no woman could possibly enjoy anal sex, but it really worries me that “anal sex” could be the new, silent form of rape/ domination. nForced anal sex is likely to go unreported because women agreed to sleep with this guy – just didn’t want to do everything he wanted to.
loading...
I had a boyfriend a few years ago who wanted to – and I had done it once with him before. But I said no. And again said no. He kept persisting and cajoling and then he just did, and I was worn out from saying no and being ignored so I let it go, but it was really upsetting and I broke up with him a couple of days later. I didn’t tell him why though – trust me,I had come to the conclusion that he wouldn’t have understood even if I did tell him and it would have only given him something to argue with me about….it’s only from reading your post now that I realise it was indeed a rape-like situation. I felt violated then and I feel violated now whenever I recall it.
loading...
I wasn’t planning to comment on this subject – but was interested to take a look after reading about the article through the Things Bogans Like Facebook page (they linked back to Mia after she did them).
Reading this compelled me to write.
My first boyfriend did this to me too – anal rape during consensual sex.
I was able to remove myself from the bed after about 15 seconds but those seconds were excrutiating and I hurt for hours after, physically, and years after, emotionally.
Of course, there being no working up to it, he just rammed himself in with no warning.
(On other occasions he tried urinating on me and forced me to “fist” him. None of this got any reaction from me but being upset. He had an extreme porn addiction – but saying porn caused him to be like that might be like suggesting the tail wagged the dog.)
I wish I could tell you differently but I stayed with him for many months of this treatment… then I smartened up, eventually.
I imagine this happens to more women (and some men) than we imagine, let alone discuss.
He was in a position of trust, and being my only boyfriend, I had no way of really knowing how I should be treated, and he abused that trust.
If girls are being pressured to have sex younger and younger (by society as well as boys and peers) then there must be a lot of girls who are going along with things that make them uncomfortable (to say the least) and that makes me really sad.
loading...
It was very brave of you to talk about this. He should have been charged with the rapes but I know how difficult it is to extricate yourself from these relationships and how difficult it is to get someone like that charged.
I hope you are safe now.
loading...
In reference to the last thing you said, it’s a real wonder. I mean you hear about pregnant 12 year olds, and obviously they’ve had sex, but most of them have no idea what it really is. They learn that if a boy puts his penis into you it’s called having sex. So they do it. If you find out that a boy can also put his penis in your bum, you do that too.
But what are they really thinking? Certainly not “i’m glad i’m part of a committed relationship and am willing to have children with you”!
loading...
Sallymous and Naive at the time,
I am so sorry for your experiences, and I’m glad you have come out of those abusive relationships and are recovering from the physical and emotional scars.
This is exactly what scares me about the huge increase in the availability of porn (although, as you say Naive-at-the-time, is it the tail wagging the dog?). I just think about my daughter exploring sexuality in this kind of environment (she is only 2 now, so I hopefully have a few more years before I need to worry) and it makes me shiver. I also feel the responsiblity of teaching my son to respect women and their preferences and decisions despite all the outside influences he will be exposed to. It is all so complicated now.
loading...
I’m glad you mentioned your son, mum of almost 3. It amazes me how often I still hear the attitute “I’m glad I have a son so I don’t have to worry – let the girl’s parents worry” in today’s society. There are still diseases and pregnancies to concern both parties. And young boys should be raised to be morally strong, decent and respectful gentlemen.
Thank you Kind of embarrassed for this one, I am out of any dangerous relationships.
It’s affected me in a way I can’t seem to change though and my tolerance for even minor faults is extremely low now. I’d like to be happy in a relationship but I’ve gone from accepting everything to accepting almost nothing… Fiercely independent… and hypercritical…
loading...
Hmmm, we tried, it hurt, we stopped. Another time we tried again – I instigated it, as I was curious, but yes, again, it was nasty, so we stopped.
loading...
I have had one partner suggest it when I was 19. I countered his offer with “How would you like a punch in the face?”. My husband has never suggested it and we’ve been together 17 years. It’s not my cup of tea, but I know other friends who enjoy it.
Whatever floats your boat, provided it’s consensual for both partners.
loading...
Your comment ‘how would you like a punch in the face?’ made me spit out my sandwich with laughter. Classic!
loading...
I’m always happy to get a laugh!
(But I appreciate that he asked.)
loading...
I have had the ‘whoops – I slipped’ act from one of my exes, which is pretty much the reason I let him go, because he was always pressuring it on me (and that he was a wanker in general). I didn’t appreciate being treated like one of the slappers on a porn movie.
My husband – he loves anal. But I was never pressured by him into doing it. It was my decision to make when I wanted it. And I must admit that I like it too – but it is not my favourite. Just a heads up though, you have to be super randy and super lubed up for it to be any good. And I found that using the vibrator in unison with anal made it all the better.
(sorry for being so graphic, but you did say Mia that we were talking about sex)
loading...
On a one night stand about, oh, 15 years ago I had a guy try it on. Relentlessly, and without asking – and because I was drunk/naive/nervous I couldn’t believe at first that that was what he was trying to do.
After a while I began to cry and pulled away and curled up on the bed and he acted oblivious like ‘what’s your problem? lighten up or go home’
I went home and felt ashamed for years about that incident (and it was my last one night stand for about a decade!).
Anal sex, like any sex really is a deeply personal experience and there has to be communication and an understanding of what each other expects.
loading...
I think my fiance has only asked once and promptly never wanted to again after I said I would if he went and got anal sex, from a guy, first. He and I watch porn together all the time and he’s never once tried to do anything near that area.
I don’t think watching porn makes guys want to do it but then, actually, watching porn makes guys think shaved balls look good so I don’t know now…
loading...