Craig Gross - pastor at xxxchurch.com
BY MIA FREEDMAN
The first time I heard someone say “anal is the new oral”, I blanched. Cringed. Winced a bit.
The idea that anal sex had somehow become as common as oral sex, as much an assumed part of every woman’s sexual repetoire was a shock to my Gen X system.
Because until recently, anal sex used to be very much a sub-category of sex. A side dish. Not the main course. Not to everyone’s taste.
When I was in women’s magazines we would run a story on it every year but it was never mainstream.
A few years ago I noticed this seemed to be changing and at first, I didn’t understand why. Had women’s sexual tastes suddenly changed? But why?
I soon realised the difference was porn. In the past few years, porn has become very main stream and anal sex has become very mainstream in porn. Standard even.
But – again I ask – why? Have you wondered that? Wondered where all the vaginas have gone? Wondered why porn is all about anal sex and why every woman in every porn video seems to be positively delighted by the situation?
I never understood until last night while I was watching TV. ABC1 no less. You really do learn so much during Q&A and last night was particularly enlightening.
Because FINALLY, I learned why bums have replaced vaginas in modern porn.
In a discussion about this by a brilliant panel including Benjamin Law and Germaine Greer, it was explained succintly.
Craig Gross is an American pastor (affectionately known as the Porn Pastor which sounds a lot like Prawn Pasta when you hear someone say it quickly) who founded the website XXXchurch.com in an effort to help both those who are addicted to porn and those who make a living in the porn industry.
He explained that in the porn industry, porn actresses are paid $1500 for anal sex and $750 for vaginal.
So. Which would you do if you were a porn actress trying to earn a living by doing as few scenes as possible?
Yep. Anal simply pays better. Men want to see it and women want to earn more money so they can feed their kids and pay their rent. It’s simple economics.
But they don’t explain this transaction when you see the porn, not even in the fine print. Because there isn’t any print. Now there isn’t even a DVD box with any writing. It’s all online.
So who explains this to all the people who are watching all the anal scenes in all the porn and thinking it’s the new ‘normal’? Thinking that’s what all women want and that’s how all women want it.
If you’re into it and it’s safe and consensual, go for your life. But the truth is that most women are not into it (or many of the other things you see in standard porn) and yet virtually every bit of man-made porn suggests that we ALL ARE.
So next time the subject of porn comes up – hell, bring it up! – spread the word. Female porn stars are simply paid more to have anal sex – or do double penetration – on camera.
They don’t do it because they love it. They don’t do it because that’s what most women want. They do it because they need the money.
And how messed up is that.
As another Q&A panellist, Christa Hughes, suggested last night: “We need to put the pussy back in porn!”
Yep. Bring back the vagina. Amen to that.
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Comments
211 Comments so far
That’s only partly the answer. It prompts us to now ask the question, “Why does it pay more?” or better yet “Why do men want to see anal sex?”
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Soon autumn, hurry to say goodbye to summer!).
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Awesome article. Yes! Bring back the vagina in porn
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Discussing this with a male friend the other day, he said that part of the thrill of anal for men is the ‘forbidden’ element of it: not that it’s taboo, but that many women are reluctant to engage in it (in a way that used to be true for oral). As such the decision to ‘do anal’ is an assertion of the woman’s willingness to ‘do anything’ for you. It’s a power thrill. His words not mine.
Thought I’d throw that in the mix.
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Anal sex is the best orgasm a woman can have!
I simply adore it, however it does require some planning and preparation which to me just makes it even more arousing!
I suggest people read a great book about one womans exploration of her sexuality, its what got me thinking about anal sex and eventually made me want to try. Now I cant get enough of it!
http://www.amazon.com/The-Surrender-An-Erotic-Memoir/dp/0060732474/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335800813&sr=8-1
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This article and the comments on it are extremely depressing.
Look, anal sex has been around forever. There have always been people who enjoy anal sex, giving and receiving, for as long as humanity has been on this Earth. Did nobody here study ancient Greece or ancient Rome?
Obviously it’s not for everyone and all you have to do is say no if you’re not interested in doing it. It’s that simple. You probably aren’t going to get raped unless it’s some drunk guy you’ve never met, in which case you shouldn’t be having sex with him in the first place. Porn may emphasize anal sex, but it doesn’t breed a generation of rapists. Do your research, look at Japan as an example, and you’ll see that the proliferation of pornography actually REDUCES the incidence of sex crimes.
For the record, I’m a woman, so no accusations of misogyny please. =)
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That is really shocking that pornography has reduced the incidence of sex crimes in Japan because alot of the porn coming out of Japan these days is extremely violent! They glamourising rape fantasies between students and teachers, father and daughters and they show women enjoying it after a while after “succumbing” to the male. Its disgusting! Not only can they watch this kind of bile, people (and I’m assuming children) can also play this rape video game where they play a rapist and their goal is to rape as many women as possible. Google it! It was recently banned from entering Australian shores.
I would really like to see where you are getting this information because I can only imagine what the side effects of this kind of porn will have on the incidence of sex crimes in Japan (although other factors such as the proportion of rape victims who report these sex crimes may also be relevant).
It seems to me like porn has always been trying to stretch the boundaries and what we define as “normal sex” has become more diverse. What started off as showing more anal sex has also branched into S&M and group sex where one woman has oral sex, vaginal sex and anal sex all at the one time. Can you seriously tell me that someone can be penetrated in every way possible and still be seen as enjoying it? I may be shot down as being a prude here, but I would hate to see porn continue on pushing these boundaries til we get to the normalisation of rape fantasies like in Japan. Japan was one of the countries that heavily embraced porn to the extent that they are sold in vending machines, well within the reach of children. In my opinion, they have been so inundated with porn, their tastes have become more and more extreme. Thats why I believe that us having this discussion is important.
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Never mind anal sex, Craig Gross is hot!
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I feel like I’m going to be shunned for saying so, but I love anal. I was reluctant at first too, but turns out when I’m relaxed and there’s been plenty of foreplay, anal makes me orgasm much harder than vaginal.
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why shunned, CJS? As per the article, some women enjoy it and they’re welcome to it. Porn makes out all women love it – and that’s incorrect.
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Nothing up my bum, thank you very much.
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Pingback: Can’t we just stop talking about the problem with porn? « bread and justice
I’ll bet anal sex isn’t Kosher!
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Would you let me shove something up yours? Well what makes you think Ill let you shove something up mine?
Ive recently educated my man on ‘Lady Porn’ as we call it – the more seductive natural images of two people MAKING LOVE ! I totally agree todays porn has changed peoples perception of sex and good sex at that, at the end of the day porn is like any business and there to make money. Lets get back to basics, google Lady cheeky and im sure you’ll agree – most of these images are far more tantalising then mainstream porn.
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I know! When my ex kept asking me to try anal sex when I had clearly told him “NO, I will do it when I want it”, I told him if I could shove a dildo up his ass and he still enjoyed it then I would consider it.
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I don’t think we should be so quick to judge the ‘horrors’ of anal sex. I’m sure there are women that enjoy it, and I certainly know a few gay men that do too.
But I might like to point it out as a historical thing too. I mean, times do change, and so do the norms of sexual practices.
“Anal is the new oral.”
Just think, how many of our mothers would be horrified that we were conducting oral sex as something that is just foreplay now? I remember reading somewhere of a baby boomer who considered oral sex as a good as PIV sex, and was a serious sexual act.
I think things just change.
Being at the older end of Gen Y, I’m not too keen on anal. I know my husband has thought about it, but my rule is: you can do that to me if I can apply my vibrator you, so we can compare experiences.
He hasn’t taken me up on it yet!
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For the LA porn industry this was true in the early 2000s – there was a tendency for actresses to go more and more extreme, but in the late 2000s the trend has changed and gone very much back to “vanilla sex”
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Nuh-uh. Absolutely not. Never, never ever. One way traffic only.
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I tried anal sex with my boyfriend when I was way too young. We both watched porn and were both curious but I think were too naive to realise that it was the influence of porn that made us try it. I was a horny 16 year old and was up for pretty much anything, but now I am older and have studied porn at university, I realise how much we were influenced.
I am still with the same guy now and we have fantastic sex, but only tried anal maybe 2 or 3 times. It was painful at first but then got better, but I would not go rushing into it again any time soon. Maybe not ever. It really is amazing how much porn educates young people!
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What a great episode of QANDA!!! I know !! I had the same reaction when I heard that – crazy huh?!
I have tried a few times to get into porn as I love sex, however I have never managed to find any that I like. They are all too young, too hairless, too fake and just generally the men are all abit yucky…
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If women are feeling the pressure – peer pressure, or whatevs – to take it in the butt then I hazard a guess that there are guys who are feeling pressure to ask/perform this too. So, as a public service, let me say to you dear gents: vaginal sex is pretty bloody good. Kissing is good. Breathing is good. Crying out on climax is good. Stifling screams of pleasure is good. Chest to chest, stomach to stomach, legs wrapped around you, good old-fashioned “missionary position” is good.
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Personally, I don’t like porn. It leaves me numb and not wanting men (or women for that matter).
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Errrwww to the dirty girls that play a part in porn.. you are sad and very tragic.
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Wow….
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always anonymous, these types, aren’t they?
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I think it is a real oversimplification of the whole issue to say “it is being seen more because actresses are paid more to do it”. Actresses wouldn’t be being paid more to do it if there wasn’t a consumer demand for that material. What are the cultural and sociological forces that are conspiring to create more demand for that material? I think it would be interesting to get an actual expert on to mamamia to discuss this, someone who has actually done research into the topic, rather than oversimplifying the issue based on comments made on a TV program.
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I couldn’t agree more with this comment. I do believe that a Hugo Schwyzer article was posted on here perhaps a couple of months ago. He is an expert on gender issues and was unraveling the apparent fascination with anal and I think “facials” in porn and mainstream society currently… at the crux of it as he argues, seems to be what it means if a woman allows this, allows a man to do this to her. He believes it relates to acceptance and I’m probably not using the right words here but a selflessness. This doesn’t necessarily have to be in a demeaning way but it certainly can be and mostly is in porn, that a woman is sacrificing dignity by accepting facials and also subjecting herself to possible pain through anal in order to pleasure someone else. If you extrapolate this out at a societal level I think this says a lot about what is expected of women in a general sense and that is why I personally have a problem with it in porn for the most part. I hope I haven’t misrepresented his arguments but indeed there is a lot more going on here than how much the pornstars are making per scene. Have a look at Hugo’s website:
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/category/news-2/
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i dont even know if it can all be attributed to porn, but i’m definitely noticing anal is on the rise just in requests from boyfriends or sexual partners… a couple of my girlfriends see anal as a ‘gift’, its something reserved for a special occassion. have to be something pretty gosh darn special, because this said i dont really know anyone that enjoys receiving it, myself included.
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I met my partner 12 years ago. About 5 years ago he discovered online porn. Over the years he came to see me ‘only’ as a sex object. Then anal was mentioned. Then the affairs started. Now he sits online all night trying to pick up women on pof – and he’s successful most nights! I definitely think porn has desensitized him to women’s feelings and as friends. Once I read his texts and he was asking about anal to this women. He tells me that all women like it. Rubbish. Shame I honestly believe porn, over time made him leave his kids and family.
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So why are you still with this bozo?
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Thank god guys didn’t want anal in the 70s & 80s & my husband has never wanted it! It was unheard of & unthought of!
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I don’t think that anal is so very new as a rule when i was at school Catholic girls where known for “up the bum no babies”, plus it technically meant you were still a virgin. Not me i was too innocent and busy in ballet class. However what is an issue for me and a few other posts have mentioned to is this propensity to the porn talk the minute you give someone the time on day. A few years back on my birthday the DJ (who is a friend) announced to the room that it was my birthday, it is also NYD this young guy comes up to me and says it’s his 22nd birthday (i was 37). He offers to buy me a drink and asks me to dance…..the drink never arrives and while “dancing” with me there is sooooooo much inappropriate grabbing which i can live with but then it was the mouth. All of a sudden, with me telling me that i wasn’t going home with him, he launches into spectacular detail of what he is going to do to me. None of which was sexy or appealing it was just filth. I love a good dirty talker the kind that says just enough to make you want to run out of a venue and do nasty things to. But i prefer to know the men i get this from and i am sure as hell not having anal sex on a first time whether i like the act or not. Reminds me of the first time i did a cabaret show you never start with your best tricks……you have to keep something up your sleeve for act two and the best for the finale!!
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I went to a Catholic school & had never even heard of women having anal sex till Mamamia talked about it last time! Anal was only for gay guys & men in prison!
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I just remembering hearing it from the older girls when i was at school and even then i thought it was weird.
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This is a very subjective and one sided piece of writing that claims to be written from The Everywoman perspective. Aside from points about pay and the obviously true fact that there is indeed a majority of women who wouldn’t try it, there are actually plenty of women who enjoy anal sex, some including the porn actresses who also happily take the extra pay for it. Heck there is actually some knowledge about the female body and location of the vaginal wall out there that suggests why anal sex can be enjoyable, with proper preparation of course
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Um, you wouldn’t be a bloke by any chance?
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What kind of people want to have anal sex? The fact that they have to pay porn stars twice as much to do it means that they don’t even want to do it & need more money incentive!
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Give it a try, you might be surprised…..
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Gay men?
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I recently went home with a guy I’ve been dating. We’ve never slept together and this was the first time we’d had more than a cutesy kiss at the end of the date. Immedately, he started asking (like he thought it would turn me on), “do you like anal? Do you like cream pies? Do you like deep throating? Do you like having your hair pulled hard? Are you kinky?”
I don’t think there’s any way a guy would say that stuff straight away unless it had been normalised for him by porn. I don’t even know what a cream pie is!!
As it turns out I’m a total dirty nympo…but not for some creepy guy who thinks porn and life are interchangeable!!
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Oh yuck! Are you still going out with him?
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I am also concerned for him and how he got the message that saying this to you was Ok at this early stage in your relationship, or at all, if is was not going to be appropriate. I am in no way suggesting he got the message from you. I am concerned about the normalisation of hard core porn and the potential damage it may have on our boys and young men as well as our girls and women.
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I’m actually seeing him tonight (in public!!) to check if he’s a total freak or if he just somehow got the wrong end of the stick – he seemed really nice and normal before then. But at this point I think I’m out!! Too yuck.
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How and at what age do we have the discussion about porno images with our kids. If, as the show suggests they are accessing porno images at 13+. Should we start then. There is so much more sex ed to talk about with your kids at that stage, consent, body image, peers, safety etc.
It is hard enough keeping my boy (14) engaged with the mainstream “sex
talk” as he finds it awkward discussing this. I’m sure this is normal. We generally have these conversation when the topic arises and very casually.
There is so much to discuss and it is very important.
Help. I would love an article on sexuality and teenagers.
Mia you have a boy my age. Please help, I’m floundering on the porn talk and sexual expectations.
Porn can be just as damaging to our young men, please don’t assume girls are more at risk. Most parents what to teach their boys to develop healthy respectful relationships.
How do we do this with the mixed messages porn can send?
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The website xxxchurch.com has resources regarding talking to your kids about sex and porn. Craig Gross actually spoke at my church 2 weekends ago and mentioned that the average age of first exposure to porn is 11, so clearly the communication needs to be happening earlier than most people think.
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With the rise in anal there must be demand for it. I think there is nothing wrong with giving the audience what it wants. Heck, the media do it all the time! We complain about the amount of celebrity ‘news’ out there but somebody must be reading it!
I think no sex act should make people feel wrong about doing it and that’s what some comments below will make people feel. Arguments like, ‘it’s dirty and gross’ don’t help people become more open about their sexuality or what turns them on. Rather we need to be focussing on consent. Making sure that kids and people who watch porn know that sex acts are okay, no matter how strange/weird/gross they may seem, as long as your partner/s willingly and consciously agree to participation.
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I personally do not like porn (good one if you do) but I feel consenting adults can do what ever they choose to do…what is with all the judgements about anal sex. Some like it, some love it, some don’t like it and some have never tried it. Each to their own I say…
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What happens in the bedrooms of consenting adults is private. My concern is for teenagers who now think that anal sex and S&M are normal mainstream activities. They’re fed a diet of ‘anything goes’ that makes the girls think it is expected of them and makes boys just expect it.
I did a TAFE course where most of the other students were young girls – 15 to 18 – and I was horrified by what they do and allow their boyfriends to do to them. They were girls from the local co-ed Catholic and State schools in a comfortable part of town with working and responsible parents and they’d allowed their boyfriends to choke them to the point of passing out so their orgasm was stronger. They were bruised and abused and they liked it.
Nurses in emergency wards will tell you stories of young girls (12 and up) coming in with all manner of foreign objects inserted in them – by their boyfriends.
I think we are letting our young women down badly. Back in the day, teenage sex had an innocence about it that could result in a baby – that sounds quite sweet now.
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That is terrifying.
I have a 13 year old daughter, now I don’t just have to worry about her becoming sexually active before she’s mentally or emotionally ready, I have to worry about her being pressured into dangerous and degrading acts.
It makes me feel sick.
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I absolutely agree, Kylie2.
It’s not that I’m a sexual prude it’s just that I believe young girls should be protected from themselves. I know that sounds ridiculous but I also remember how easy it was, as a teenage girl, to believe that you were in love and going to live happily ever after with a stupid, pimply loser.
I was truly shocked by the stories these girls would exchange. And they were lovely girls! They really were but they were just girls – not women – and they would do anything these boys wanted to keep them happy. Their lives revolved around breaking up and getting back with their boyfriends.
The parents were decent people but they’d cut the strings too early and gave them so much rope that some of them were actually using it.
I know that Tony Abbott was roundly ridiculed for trying to protect his daughters. I heard his youngest girl on the radio the other day. Confident, articulate, a year out from finishing her degree in radiography and then hoping to go on to do medicine. This girl is in no way damaged from having a father who cares about her and set boundaries to keep her safe until she was mature enough to make her own decisions.
It’s all about the message. We have swung too far on so many issues. It was right to move forward from sexual oppression and the terrible stigma of unmarried mothers etc, but we have gone too far and the message our children are now getting from the media and celebrities is dangerous.
it’s time the media showed a bit of respect to people with more conservative views towards women’s sexuality.
Personally I’d rather our girls hear the fuddy-duddy views than someone beating the feminist drum if it means we stop girls from having gonorrhea in their throats because they give the local boys headjobs in the train station toilet.
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Yes, it’s either teach abstinence so that girls don’t have sex, or teach them to respect their bodies so that they give blowjobs to boys in the train station.
Is that what your last paragraph meant? Because that’s how I read it.
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Well, odette, you know how I read your comment? I read it as fairly typical of the defensive comments made on this site. There are many blogs on the net but few are as narky as Mamamia. There is so little warmth and support here. There is little interest in hearing the opinions of others or constructive debate that might actually help us move forward with raising strong girls and undamaged women.
Would it have been too much for you to have put your comment in a less bitchy way?
Could you not have said – Mel, I don’t really agree with the hard line of telling our girls that abstinence is the only way to negotiate their way through the myriad issues of exploring their sexuality. We need to find a balance somewhere between putting them in chastity belts and encouraging them to be unpaid whores?
Unless, of course, you have no objection to your daughters being used and abused by boys?
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I’m sorry that my comment offended you. I was very offended and concerned at your inference that there is either abstinence only sex education (which is what Tony Abbott approves of, and is proven not to work) or “beat the feminist drum” which to me is teaching respect for your body and having daughters who give blow jobs at train stations.
I also disagree with the lack of warmth and support here. There is plenty of it, where it is warranted. How many times have I read comments where a reader is having a bad time with her marriage, or her job, or her kids, and there are multiple messages of support and kindness.
I have a lot of interest in hearing others opinions, but I also reserve the right to voice my own opinion, and point out gaps in logic in others’ opinions.
I don’t feel that my comment was “bitchy”, I was rewording your last paragraph to be sure that I was reading your intention. It didn’t sound right to me, and I was nonplussed that you truly thought those were the two options.
I do see the value in teaching girls that they should respect their bodies, and that it may be worth waiting until they’re completely certain before engaging in sexual activites.
Sadly, I don’t have any daughters. I do have two boys, though, and I hope that I’m doing the right thing by teaching them to respect girls, and to also have respect for themselves. (As a side note, my 7 year old had a “girlfriend” at school who would get him to fetch her lunchbox for her each lunchtime. She then started insisting that he also fetch her friends’ lunchboxes as well. My son decided that this wasn’t right and “broke up” with her. I’m glad that we’ve taught him that much respect for himself).
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“They were bruised and abused and they liked it.”
I think this part is key. They like it.
This isn’t just about pressure to do something you don’t want to do; they are getting enjoyment from it. I would agree it is horrifying if they were getting coerced into this type of sex and really didn’t enjoy it but felt they couldn’t say no. I’m sure there are instances when this is the case.
But when they have consented to such acts, and indeed enjoy them, there is no problem whatsoever.
What kids need, though, is education. About respecting themselves, other people and their bodies. That they can have kinky sex if they want, but that they have to be responsible about it. They also can’t expect it from everyone and so the partner needs to be willing.
I will admit that I get very uncomfortable with very young girls engaging in sex acts; very few would be emotionally mature enough to properly approach the situation, feel comfortable saying no when they want to, and be prepared to deal with the consequences (e.g. STIs or pregnancy). But again, it’s about education and support.
My parents gave me lots of support, emphasised the importance of self-respect and I had sex when I was ready, at 17, with all the things they had said in mind. And I’ll admit I’m partial to a bit of kink, but I made sure I was in a strong relationship with someone I trusted, because I had been taught that was important.
But when kids do become sexually active, provided that they are armed with self-respect and strength to say what they want and don’t want and who they want it with…well, then it’s up to them. If they like it kinky, they like it kinky and that’s ok provided they know how to do it safely. But if they only do kinky because they are “doing anything to keep their boyfriends” and not because they like it, or they do it kinky but don’t understand the risks, there’s a problem.
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Sorry, Shannon, I should have said that they SAID they liked it. I have no idea whether they actually did or whether they were saying that because they were all doing it. I just don’t know.
But I will say that they were 15 and 16 year old girls who had bruises that they hid from their parents. One even had a couple cigarette burns. Kinky sex is not something I want my teenager daughter getting into.
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I would be concerned that kids as young (or as old?) as 15 and 16 aren’t being safe when they have kinky sex. Partial asphyxiation for heightened orgasm may be the hip new thing, but if they don’t understand the risks or know exactly what to do when it all goes wrong…
I can understand why you would be concerned for your daughter, particularly if she is still quite young, but what she gets into is going to be totally up to her; her sexuality is her business and, as they say, different strokes for different folks.
All you can do is give her the tools and support to make informed decisions about herself
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Shannon, I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to equip a young teenager with the tools and support to manage stuff like this.
I don’t expect my daughter to be a virgin bride but I do want her to feel confident to say no to anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. What did you parents say/do to give you that confidence?
I’m also interested in where you think your enjoyment of “a bit of kink comes from”. Do you think that exposure to porn has been a trigger for that desire? It’s logical that viewing porn encourages more experiementation among both males and females.
My concern is that it sounds like it’s usually the woman taking the risk, I’m not hearing about young guys who’ve been choked or sodomised as part of a teen romance (maybe they are).
When I was a teenager I did not need to be equipped to say no to this stuff because no guy would have dreamt of asking for it. I hope you don’t mind me asking.
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So I wrote a reply to you and it was MASSIVE so I’ve deleted it and I’m starting again. I think I go into too much detail.
1. With respect to confidence to say no: I don’t think saying no to various sex acts that have become normalised over the last few years (e.g. anal, asphyxiation) is any different to saying no to sex generally, a joint, a tab, the answers to tomorrow’s exam, etc.
My parents aimed to give me confidence generally. However, when I got the sex talk, it was emphasised that I should have it with someone special who I trusted, not because they deserve it as a gift from me, but because *I* deserved for it to be special. This led to me never going into bedrooms with guys I’d just met at a party and being in the position where I was with an unpredictable stranger.
I think what was important was that my parents stressed how wonderful sex could be, but that it came with consequences. And that while porn may make some sex acts look safe and easy, that doesn’t MAKE them safe and easy so if my sex partner suggests halfway through that we should have anal or do something else, it would be better for me to say no that time, think about it, talk about it with parents/doctor/someone else who actually knows what they’re talking about, and then if after that we both think it’s worth a try, we give it a go next time armed with knowledge that if x happens we should stop, etc. If what we were thinking about doing is really that good, it’ll be worth the wait because it will be done properly.
I hope that explains it well enough! If not, you’re welcome to ask for clarification and I’ll do my best to answer without writing an essay. I want to qualify all of the above by saying that I’ve only ever had one sexual partner (the guy I’ve been with 5 years) because I didn’t want to share it with the guys who came before. So I have never been in the situation where I’ve been having a one night stand and the guy asks for anal/other. I’m not pretending to be an authoritative source on what works for every kid! I was brought up with different (not better, different) values to other girls my age so while some of my friends were bonking strangers at parties, I was telling them they were funny, good looking guys but that I wasn’t interested.
2. With respect to kink: I had sex for the first time at 17, I didn’t watch porn regularly until 19 and the porn I did watch at 17 was pretty vanilla. In that 2 year period, I had some of my own ideas; they usually popped into my head as we were doing it. E.g. “Hm, I wonder what it would feel like if…?” As I said above, if it was something that seemed more full-on, I wouldn’t do it that time but we’d have a convo about it and decide what we thought.
After 19, I will admit I got more ideas from porn as I actively searched for other ideas. But I don’t consider it much different to a cook who glances over someone else’s recipe and goes, “That sounds like a good idea! I’ll give it a shot and see if it works for me”.
My partner, though, is less kinky than I am. So while I’ve wanted to try or “take a risk” more frequently than him, I don’t hold that against him.
That said, I absolutely believe that when it comes to teens and young adults, the reason it is more often the girl taking the risk is because it is normalised by porn. How often do you watch a girl sodomizing her partner? Almost never. It’s not as normal.
And I absolutely agree that’s a problem, because it does put the pressure on to agree to do things you may not want to do, because it seems “normal”. That’s where the conversation of, “just because people make it seem normal and sound like a good idea doesn’t mean you have to do it” comes in handy.
By that same token, if the girl genuinely wants to try and they do enjoy it, I don’t think that’s a problem provided they understand the risks (e.g. if you go too quickly and aren’t prepared, physical damage can be done. And that it is WORSE to do anything to numb the area [be it use numbing agents, getting drunk/high] because pain indicates something isn’t right, and if you’re doing something to mask that pain then you’re likely doing damage to your body!)
Yeah, pretty sure this didn’t end up any shorter…*sigh*
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Shannon, it is a pleasure to read your thoughtful contributions (to be read in the most non-patronising tone you can muster
I hope my sons have as much self respect and self awareness as you seem to have and that I am able to teach them how valuable that is for themselves, and in a partner. I think your ‘strategies’ for dealing with getting caught up in the moment are great, and so necessary. There seems to be so much focus on teaching kids the facts and what is ‘right’, but so little effort made to equip them with strategies for dealing with situations when reality intrudes.
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Totally agree. Shannon, thanks for taking the time to reply to my questions. All great advice for tackling these talks with my teenagers.
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The comment that ‘most women don’t like it’ makes me feel ashamed that I do. Could we use more inclusive language maybe? We don’t really know what goes on in other peoples sex lives so to say MOST women don’t like it is just as unfair as saying we all do.
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Obviously no-one but you and your partner know about it and it’s not against the law so you have nothing to be ashamed of but I think ‘most’ is fairly accurate and we can’t keep changing facts just to be PC.
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I’d tried anal sex several times, with all the lube and the fingers first and everything – and I just. don’t. like it. I’m tired of being told that I just haven’t had the right man do it, or done it the right way, or that if I kept trying, I’d like it. I tried, I don’t like it. The end.
On the other hand, why would you come on this forum and say that it’s disgusting and perverted? How can anyone liken any consensual, adult sex with bestiality? That’s just ridiculously narrow and/or immature. Can we not just agree that different people like different things in bed and be done with it? Finally? Please?
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Anal sex is not normal behaviour & is pretty depraved, like people having sex with animals!
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What a completely ridiculous and useless comment….
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What? Please join the real world.
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The other thing is porn films always seems to end with the man coming on the woman’s face. That might be a turn on for men, but not for me. Wouldn’t it be ok to just sometimes end it differently? Like the woman having an orgasm? It’s all about the man. PS. Anal sex does not turn me on and not willing to try it. Lucky my husband doesn’t find the idea appealing either.
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The other thing about porn is it always seems to end with the man coming on the woman’s face. That might be a turn on for men, but not for me. Wouldn’t it be ok to just sometimes end it differently? Like the woman having an orgasm? It’s all about the man. PS. Anal sex does not turn me on and not willing to try it. Lucky my husband doesn’t find the idea appealing either.
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I don’t know about you ladies, but the men I sleep with already come so darn quickly, they don’t need to go up a tighter, more exciting/taboo hole.
I’ve never tried it. It’d be open to trying it with a long-term partner/husband (which I think is the whole point of Mia’s post – it’s not usually something you do with everyone you sleep with), as long as he wasn’t too big. One of the guys I’m seeing at the moment is ENORMOUS. We can barely get it in my V let alone my A. Needless to say, there’s an imaginary X over my anus whenever we get together.
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Lol at that last visual
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This makes me miss my amazingly endowed ex! He’d had anal sex with a couple of girls and all I could think was “umm are they DEAD now??”
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Heh heh. Exactly!
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Tried anal sex once or twice out of curiosity but didn’t love it at all. Won’t be going there again. I think we were given vaginas for a reason.
Last nights Q & A was facinating. I actually felt relieved to hear the main reason there is so much anal sex in porn is because of the pay rates.
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There are far too many people posting on here as “anon …something or other”. I think this shows just how uptight people are talking about this subject. It also seems that you are in one camp or another & if your in the yes camp that those in the no camp want to attack you & tell you how revolting you are. I think its a bit rude to tell somebody that. We all do things that others find gross or unpleasant its no need to get all up in arms about it…..
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And the kissing! Where is the KISSING? Porn now has nothing to do with sex…it’s a business. A MASSIVE business. And sadly, where a vast majority of kids are getting their sex education. Watching anal, fisting, squirting, hairless bodies and massive fake tits and believing that is what sex is.
We all need to take sex back and demand real bodies and real everyday, everywoman sex…for our kids sakes.
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No thank you, I’m quite happy with my hairless vagina
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I’m not a big fan of porn, but I think lots of you are forgetting that porn is aimed at MEN and men’s fantasy. Porn is NOT generally aimed at women. We may not all agree with the content of the porn but it is mostly for men’s fantasy. If you watch porn that is aimed at women, there is much more kissing and romance because that’s what women tend to fantasize about more. But plenty of women also enjoy anal sex as well….
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I find your comments to be very gender stereotypical. I have spoken to many of my male friends (straight and gay) and my partner about this issue and none of them fantasise about anal sex as a regular thing. Contrary to popular opinion, gay men do NOT all engage in anal.
Sure they have thought about it but all said they fantasize about sex, – plain old lusty, awesome getting off with a partner who is enjoying it, not suffering it, or putting up with it, or doing it to please them even though they are not really enjoying it, sex.
I hate the old keep trying and you will get to like it argument…what a crock of submissive crap that is.
My back door is NO ENTRY, exit only.
End of story.
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Also: the photo, headline – super not SFW! Perhaps you should slightly alter before 9am tomorrow…?
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Gotta agree there Noelle .Definitely NSFW!!
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Anal incontinence. There’s an attention grabber. Maybe that should be mentioned in school sex ed as a by product of anal sex!
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Anal incontinence. There’s an attention grabber. Maybe that should be mentioned in school sex ed as a by product of anal sex!
I’ve never heard of that actually happening to people who like anal sex, not to any of the females I know who like it, or any of the gay men who I know.
I think “anal incontinence” is used as a boogie man by people who think that anal sex is a perverted activity done by sick people.
“Oh no don’t let someone put their penis up your arse, if you do your shit will leak out for ever more”…
I’ve only ever come across one woman suffereing from anal incontinence, and that was caused by a botched up operation to cure her internal haemorrhoids.
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Ditto. I know many gay men who’ve been having anal sex for decades, and I’m pretty sure their anuses are just fine.
I do know a woman who suffered anal incontinence post-childbirth.
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I had a gay friend that used to have to use tampons.
It does happen. It is common.
But his only other option was no sex.
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He could have oral sex!
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I have a gay friend who’s been in a long term, loving relationship and he’s had to have multiple surgeries for a rectal fistula.
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I remember reading the autobiography of a now dead English actor who described the effects a life time of anal sex had had on his body. Scary stuff!
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I had a gay friend that used to have to use tampons.
I’ve heard that “myth” of people who have anal sex having to use tampons in their rectum to stop soil leakage.
I’ve always wondered about how that could possible work.
When you use tampons in your vagina, if you are not aroused there is anly a short distance from the entrance to your vagina and your cervix. You can insert your own finger and actually feel your own cervix. So a tampon is held snuggly in place in that area.
Your rectum on the other hand is a long tube. If you shoved a tampon up it, there is nothing to keep it in place so it would seem to me that any loose faecial matter would just flow around the tampon and still leak out.
I don’t see how you could succesfully use a tampon in your rectum, so I take any such ‘stories’ with a big grain of salt.
he’s had to have multiple surgeries for a rectal fistula. copy/paste from a comment below
The only people that I’ve ever met (or heard about) who have had an rectal fistula, they have got it from constipation.
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The risks of anal sex are well known. Fistulas, prolapses, and leakage are not rare.
It’s obviously not going to happen to everybody that participates in anal sex, or happen as a consequence everytime anal sex occurs, but it does happen. Small tearing is a very common issue as there is no lubricant in the rectum that is similar to vaginal wetness.
Vaginal sex also has these same risks. I’ve known women with vaginal prolapses, fistulas etc. It’s not as common due to the vagina being evolved to handle penetration.
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Myth? Myth?
When he told me that is what he did. Isn’t that a bit closer than a myth?
Please keep your response to something less offensive.
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SlightLy off point, but where did you get that photo?? It’s strange and amazing!!
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Tried it did not like it, was very scary experience having something going in there and not out. Husband was scared he would hurt me as well. I’ts pretty gross, poo going all over your bits, yuk.
If my husband kept asking me for it I would tell him to find a bloke and become gay, after all if he prefers an arsehole to a vagina he may as well have a man
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This comment is super ignorant.
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No, it’s not!
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Yes it is.
First of all, if poo got all over your husband’s penis, you did it wrong. Also “become gay”? Do you really think being gay is just about which orifice you prefer to put your dick?
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I am in no way trying to be insulting here, I am just super curious- “if poo got all over your husband’s penis, you did it wrong”. Does that really not happen? I have no experience with anal but it always seemed logical that if you put something up your bum some poo might come out. Why doesn’t it?
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Yeah, it is. Being gay isn’t about a preferential hole.
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Yes absolutely. And why is that focus so big when it comes to gay men anyhow? There are a lot more “odd” stuff going on out there in the bedrooms and whereever the sex is being had and lets just enjoy whatever we like to do the way we want to do it! As long as you and your partner are aok – go for it!
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Yes, it is.
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I totally agree with you. 100%. I’d never heard of women and men having anal sex until I was about 40. It never occurred to me that a woman would contemplate it. Not judging those who initiate it and enjoy it but to me it screams male domination and debauchery.
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it screams male domination and debauchery.
I have to laugh at that comment: hahahaha
There is more to sex you know than just laying on your back and doing it in the missionary position.
You sound like the type of person who would also believe that performing oral sex on your partner also screams male domination and debauchery
I like anal sex because there is only a very small piece of ’tissue’ between your rectum and a woman’s ‘g spot’ and the orgasms that I have during anal sex are far more powerful than the ones that I have during PIV sex.
If anyone is getting dominated during the encounter it is my husband, who prefers to have PIV sex. But he has anal sex at times, at my request, because that is what relationships are…sometimes you do things because it does please your partner…not everything is just for your own benefit and pleasure.
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I am the same, my o’s are so much bigger from anal than vaginal and I do have to beg my boyfriend to have anal! Some people are just built for it and some not. And if you are getting poo everywhere, you have such a poor understanding of how your bowel works and I worry for your future!
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comment is offensive.has no one heard of douching!
if he was gay he would do it with a man.
anal sex with s women is still sex with a woman and hetro.
what next because he likes having his cock sucked and you might not like it it makes him gay and he should try a man?
mia how DO you allow these offensive comments on here?
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I wonder if the whole ‘men like to watch/have anal sex more than virginal sex’ is also a bit of a myth. My hubby is quite grossed out by the thought of it – in his words “I like having sex with women for a reason – they have a Virgina.” lol.
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LOL virgina! It’s actually spelt “vagina” ! Perhaps a Freudian slip
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Same here!
He has absolutely no interest!!
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hhhmmm…Anal sex has been around for as long as I can remember, way before computers and the Internet became popular and allowed more people to access porn.
There has always been women and men who enjoy hetero anal sex and I have always considered it to be a pretty main stream sexual activity.
When I’ve talked about the subject with both real life people and on Internet sexuality forums it’s usually the female partners who want it more so than their male partners. The males tend to miss the tactile feedback…the ‘ridges’ that the vagina provides. As one man put it to me Anal sex is like fu*king a smooth tight bit of plastic tubing and who wants that as a regular main course.
I’ve always preferred anal sex to PIV sex and I’ve had sex that way on and off for the last 30 years.
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I actually enjoy anal sex more than my man. He could take it or leave it.
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I actually really enjoy anal sex. I think it’s the naughtiness of it that I love. Sometimes my partner and I will have anal only sex, I won’t explain that, you know what I mean.
Once upon a time, before I was committed, I tried double penetration, it felt good but it was the most difficult thing ever to maneuver! They make it look easy in porn but it’s very…squishy?
That was my over share for the day.
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Great article! I don’t care if people do or don’t want to do anal, but I do have concerns about what is deemed normal and affects how women are treated. Porn is a very interesting area. Increased regulation will only make things more popular and drive it underground (making some women more vulnerable) and although I am sure some women may choose to do this line of work, and if its a true choice then i respect that choice, but I am sure a hell of a lot wouldn’t like to do what they are doing if they felt they had a better option.
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I’ve done it with the bf a few times – the whole way. To do it right you need three things: a shot of vodka, lube, and to go to the toilet before – ew. Sadly I learnt those rules from a porn star herself. anyway he enjoyed himself and surprisingly so did I , until one day got a bit too drunk and failed to use lube – hence splitting down there and creating an anal fissure which caused three things: panadol, salt baths and sleepless nights. All in all, NOT worth it ladies!!
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