Married at First Sight Episode 7 recap: Two brides storm out of the dinner party.

Before we begin, there’s something that needs to be said.

We’ve gone far too long without acknowledging it, and to be frank, we’re ashamed.

It’s Michelle’s fake-husband, Jesse. More specifically, it’s his face.

Moving on.

Tonight, the producers are trying to create drama out of the fact Sharon cheated on a partner "in the past" and that's one of Nick's "deal breakers."

But all we can think about right now is whether Deb's finally found a man from the "Polynesian Islands" to elope with.

Listen: The Recap team debriefs on all of tonight's MAFS drama. (Post continues after audio.)

Nah, she hasn't. She's just being weird. John's moved out of their hotel room because, um, Deb hates him, but all of a sudden Deb is optimistic about their relationship. She's talking about a "spark" she's feeling between the two of them. Wtf.

There's only one reasonable explanation for her behaviour. She so passionately wants to argue with John about everything that she will even argue when he says they're not getting along. It's bizarre.

To increase the tension even further, they're given the SECRET QUESTION BOX from last night, and they're forced to talk about what their deal breakers are, which is silly, because it doesn't matter, because these two people fundamentally loathe each other.

John says he doesn't really have any deal breakers, except he didn't want to be matched with someone who wanted children. Deb asks John to move over slightly so she can remove her 20-metre scroll from her handbag and read out everything she hates about John, which wasn't really the point of the exercise, but anyway.

She says she didn't want someone who drank a lot (John does), gambled (we assume John does), spent every weekend at the football (she may just be describing John now), or smoked.

"I'm in the shower, you're smoking," she complains. "Smoking, smoking, smoking."

Jesus.

John tries to stay positive and says, "I think you've got every single deal breaker. Anyhow."

The next question (WHY do they need to continue with this activity) is: "What does your gut tell you about us?"

John says "it's grim," and despite the fact that Deb straight up hates him, she's hurt by this. Or she's just made it her mission to literally argue with everything he says. She says she's "shattered."

WTF DEB. Literally yesterday you were yelling at the producers about how they should have put out an "ad" for Polynesians because you didn't get anything you asked for.

On Cheryl and Jonathan's honeymoon, Jonathan is still devo that Cheryl said she wasn't attracted to him. He can't understand how his entrepreneurialness isn't irresistible to all women. Last night he said he doesn't get over things quickly, and he thinks this is probably something he's absorbed from being an entrepreneur. We're fairly certain those two things have approximately nothing to do with each other.

Meanwhile, Nick has decided he can overcome the fact Sharon's cheated in the past because frankly, that's an absurd reason to end a relationship.

PAUSE. THE COUPLES ARE ON THEIR WAY HOME TO ATTEND THE DINNER PARTY. SHH. SHUTUP.

Oh. Just as a side note, Scarlett seems to have forgotten that she became a feminist and stormed away when Michael broke up with her last night, because they're all over each other again. Speaking to the camera Scarlett says she's "confused" because Michael wants to focus on their strong "friendship" but still shows her lots of affection. Scarlett, no. This is not a friendship. This is not fun for you.

As John and Deb make their way to the dinner party, Deb complains that her fake-husband is no longer wearing his wedding ring. She's not happy that a person she hates doesn't want to be fake-married to her anymore. Frankly, it's rude.

The couples make their way into the party and everyone's aware they need to appear to like each other far more than they actually do. This is no longer a dating show, this is a competition. Except no one is sure what the prize is.

OH NO. Andrew's here. Alone. Jesus. They will not stop flogging this storyline. We get yet another flashback about how Andrew's wife was a missing person for 48 hours. WE KNOW. BUT WHY WOULD YOU COME HERE ALONE.

The experts have obviously told Andrew there might be another single there. Otherwise why the hell would he come?

Fun fact: Andrew and the twins know each other from mixed netball. Cool.

He literally gives a speech about what happened with Lauren and everyone's like 'Woah I can't believe she just disappeared' and Andrew's like 'I know, we had to get the police involved' and everyone's like 'Where did you end up finding her' and Andrew's like 'Oh I think they found her at her house.'

Sean makes a joke about "no wife swapping!" and Cheryl says "LOL pick me." Scarlett is also slightly keen.

During dinner, John and Deb are hating each other. As they're eating she says, "It's OK, husband, I'll help myself while you eat," and John seems fine with that arrangement.

Michael and Scarlett are being flirtatious and affectionate, despite the fact that their marriage has fallen apart. The experts hypothesise that Michael is probably putting on an act because he cares what the other couples think of him, and it could be the most insightful observation they've ever made.

Wait, no. They also describe Deb as "resentful." Touché.

Cheryl can't stop rolling her eyes at Jonathan because she's now annoyed by literally everything he does. She asks for a napkin and everyone jokes about how Jonathan should help her, but he doesn't. Andrew decides to give Cheryl a napkin and he's playing this whole only-single-person-in-a-room-full-of-fake-married-people' thing very smoothly.

Andrew says in a piece to camera that he and Cheryl probably would've been better off matched with each other, as though that's not incredibly clear from the fact that a) Andrew's wife ran away from him on their wedding night and b) Cheryl's about to stab her fake-husband with a fork.

OMG.

NO WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Scarlett and Jonathan are bonding over the fact that they love guns, would vote for Donald Trump, and are pro-life.

They're not... they're not topics we expected to be tackling this evening. But, um, it explains a lot?

Aww Andrew is being sweet about the experiment, and says even though his fake-wife became a missing person after their wedding, "I have a lot of faith in what they're doing."

Speaking of wtf the experts are doing, Deb is telling the other dinner party guests that John gave up on her on their wedding night. John says that Deb told him, "I couldn't be more disappointed in what you are, I'm shattered." We don't... we don't blame John for giving up.

Deb starts explaining that what she wanted was a Polynesian "from the Islands" or "someone with a culture that wows me."

THIS IS SO INTERESTING BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME WE'RE SEEING HOW OTHER PEOPLE REACT TO HER POTENTIALLY RACIST PREFERENCES.

Anthony says "that's rough," and the other couples try to explain that maybe, um, she shouldn't hate John just because he's not Polynesian?

"We haven't got one thing in common," Deb explains, even though we can think of one thing: NEITHER OF YOU ARE POLYNESIAN. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

Cheryl decides that because her relationship is going so well, she should try to give Deb advice. But Deb feels interrupted and as though her valid points are being ignored.

Deb is done with "30-year-old drunk people" lecturing her so she grabs her bag and leaves. John doesn't notice for a significant period of time, and when he does, his reaction is like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Meanwhile, it's started to dawn on Scarlett that this whole situation with Michael is f*cked.

"We're good 23/7," she says, because they're attracted to each other it's just that their values aren't aligned. Jesus.

As soon as Scarlett recalls that she's a newfound feminist, Michael gets frustrated. You see, it's annoying for him that this woman won't just do what he says. She tries to challenge him about their whole 'situation' and he essentially tells her, "Shhh. I'm going to smile at you and you're going to smile back."

Like the mature, Trump-supporting, semi-feminist woman she is, Scarlett decides there's only one way to vent her frustration: to tell everyone his secret.

HE'S A MAYOLSTRIPPA.

But how much of a secret is it if you're sharing it on national televis...

That's not important. Scarlett is telling everyone she can that Michael's a stripper.

John Aiken weighs in by saying, "I know Scarlett's angry at Michael but she really needs to watch her step here."

WHAT. NO SHE DOESN'T. The guy is a d*ck.

The entire evening, Alene and Simon have been watching on from a nearby couch. Alene says, "Something is not right amongst some of them and I'm not nosy enough to go and ask."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALENE.

Cheryl's decided to have a chat with Jonathan because it's just getting really awkward. She takes him into a separate room and points out that they're not communicating... at all.

"I always communicate with people and I want to be communicated with," he says, like an actual five-year-old.

She asks if Jonathan is trying to avoid her and he says he isn't. She says it's awkward. He ignores her.

YOU GUYS, SHE'S DONE. SHE TELLS A PRODUCER SHE'S DONE.

Of course, like the brilliant reality TV personality she is, she doesn't just leave. She walks back into the dinner party. To bitch. 

And in this moment, we realise: Nadia is all of us. 

Not only has she been like this the entire night, every time someone mentions a problem in their relationship:

But as soon as Cheryl comes in crying, she JUMPS to help her and find out EXACTLY why she's crying.

"I got matched with the complete opposite person," Cheryl says. "Now I know why I just don't go for guys in suits because they're all like this."

She leaves, but not before Nadia makes it clear that she's here, babe, if you ever need to talk about any sh*t that's gone down, babe, I'm here, I'll be here for you.

It's literally been one minute since Cheryl left and Scarlett has pounced on Jonathan. She's decided they have lots in common. We can't. This is just too good. EVERYONE START CHEATING ON EACH OTHER ALREADY WE'VE BEEN SO PATIENT.

Until Sunday!

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