Married at First Sight recap: Several couples make the wrong decision.

What feels like 72 weeks ago, three experts matched 20 strangers and forced them to get fake married.

Of course, from the get-go there were problems. A missing person, for example. A Debbie, who white-shamed her non-Polynesian partner John until he broke. A text message scandal. You know, the typical issues you expect to face in the first few weeks of marriage.

Listen to The Recap, where Clare Stephens and Kelly Glover debrief on tonight’s episode of Married at First Sight. Post continues below.

But last Tuesday night, the unthinkable happened. This year’s ‘it’ couple, our very own George and Amal, started to fall apart.

For Susan and Sean, it was love at first sight. She loved his eyes and he loved her… general Susan-ness. They made us believe getting fake married on national television might be a viable option.

Tonight, the couples will face their 28th commitment ceremony.

Michelle is about to crack. She's been stuck in a house with a guy she doesn't remotely like, who is far too open about pooing, and it's not funny any more. She would've dropped out weeks ago, but she knows this a competition with her sister Sharon, and she can't bare to lose.

Catching up with Sharon before the ceremony, Michelle can hardly hide her disdain for her sister's happiness. Sharon recounts her perfect home visit to Nick's place, while Michelle tries to say as little as possible because if she opened her mouth she'd yell "HE WANTS ME TO COME WORK AT HIS FRUIT SHOP IN ADELAIDE AND HE STILL LIVES AT HOME WITH HIS PARENTS. WHY CAN'T WE JUST SHARE NICK."

Alene doesn't know how Simon feels about her, probably because Simon hasn't given any indication as to how he feels about her.

Pause.

If you've been living with someone for a month, have fake married them for goodness sake, met their family, travelled with them, been to dinner parties with them etc, you should know how you feel about them. Simon's just been weird ever since he got his hair cut. There we said it.

Speaking of being weird, Cheryl has come to Nadia's apartment to chat about her awkward AF home visit.

But it turns out she's entirely oblivious to the fact she humiliated Andrew on national television, by literally laughing and saying, "I don't want to kiss you." We can't actually talk about this moment without feeling like we want to die so we'll just move on.

Nadia tells Cheryl she hopes "people are just focused on their own relationships" tonight, which is hilarious, because Nadia is here exclusively for the gossip about other peoples relationships. A fact we don't hold against her, at all. 

The narrator says of Anthony and Nadia's home visit, "a wifi problem had Nadia questioning their connection," and that is some Logie-worthy scripting. Srsly.

Oh, yeah, Nadia literally couldn't give less of a sh*t about Anthony.

The producers then force Sean to ask Andrew "hey mate, how are you feeling about tonight?" in a set-up that has taken them at least 45 minutes to organise.

Andrew is obviously so incredibly done with this show, and tells Sean "I don't want another runaway bride," which is a valid concern. He says of his home visit, "There were so many moments where I doubted she even liked me at all," and we're getting flashbacks of the awkward moment and we want to gauge our eyes out.

IT'S FINALLY TIME FOR THE CEREMONY.

Wow. John Aiken just said we're at the halfway stage of the experiment, and we're torn between feeling genuinely excited that this experience won't ever end and slightly overwhelmed by the possibilities of what could happen in the next 59 weeks.

"It's really exciting because the pressure is really on," John says ominously, and all three experts rub their hands together like mad men.

Mel's face is actually f*cked.

Sean and Susan are first, and the experts ask how the home visits went.

Susan tells them Sean is incredible and they love each other, but she doesn't think either of them should have to give up "everything that is their happiness," so they can be together.

But the experts don't understand, mostly because they're not listening.

Trisha says with a big smile on her face "so, are you talking about a long distance relationship?" and Susan is like "errrr... no I'm talking about friendship."

Guys. The experts are legit mad. These guys were their only hope. This was the only thing they could put on their resume when it came to matching strangers.

John Aiken becomes impatient and, tbh, slightly aggressive. He says "I don't get this," and then they all start telling Sean and Susan not to let a little thing like living completely different lives get in the way of a good time.

We're pretty sure the experts are meant to be impartial but instead they're just straight up telling them what to do. John says "can you overcome the isolation?"

HOW CAN YOU OVERCOME SOMETHING LIKE ISOLATION, JOHN? Build a f*cking city? On a farm? Fly all her friends to live in an Amish like compound? The isolation SHAN'T be overcome.

Susan is wiser than everyone on this show and should be the one issuing the advice.

Anywho, turns out she f*cked with us and everyone, because she's choosing to stay. Sean looks unsurprised, which is probably because they discussed it at length prior to this arbitrary ceremony.

Next up are...

Wait a minute.

No. Legit who are these people.

Oh... yes, yes, yes, it's the guy with the dog, sorry.

Okay they're fine. And seem nice enough. Good for them.

It's Anthony and Nadia's turn, and Nadia audibly groans because it's the only part of the night that doesn't involve her watching other couples discuss their issues.

Anthony's concerned about their lack of intimacy, but Nadia is completely grossed out about the prospect of him touching her so promptly changes the subject.

The experts ask Nadia if she's serious about the relationship, and she replies, "Umm, good question. Umm," and precedes to never answer. 

No one seems to think this a problem. On the subject of problems, Anthony starts rambling about how he wants to be the provider and has a very traditional view of gender roles in marriage.

Everyone in the room is horrified and look towards Nadia for a reaction.

But guys. Nadia wasn't listening. She was too busy thinking about whether Andrew and Cheryl are going to last.

She doesn't mind Anthony's weird/outdated patriarchal ideas so long as she has access to gossip, and if that isn't feminism, we simply do not know what is.

They both choose to stay and Nadia literally runs off because IT'S ANDREW AND CHERYL'S TURN AND THEY'RE MORE INTERESTING.

In short, Andrew's pissed. He feels embarrassed. He wrote a song and now he looks silly.

We don't want to use the word "dob," but Andrew totally dobs on Cheryl. He says she didn't give off any positive energy and he has no idea whether she likes him at all.

Cheryl says, "We're still learning our boundaries," which is a bizarre thing to say given she has MOVED IN with a dude she's been on two dates with yet won't kiss him. Like, ew. Slow down. (Wtf).

The experts ask, "Is there intimacy building here?" which definitely, 100 per cent means, "Are you guys having sexy time or WUT?"

This is frankly a ridiculous question to ask two people who haven't even kissed. EUGH. NO. THERE'S NO INTIMACY. FFS.

Andrew says, "I had a moment that I hadn't felt since my last relationship. At its worst point. I felt sick to my stomach," which reminds us of the moment of which we do not speak, and we actually can't take any more mention of it because we have to move on with our lives.

But they both decide to stay because we have absolutely no idea why. Wtf is even going on anymore...

Simon and Alene are next and the experts address the fact that Simon appears apathetic to this entire experience.

Simon's asked if he's worried Alene won't move for love, and he just looks the other way and starts laughing. WHAT THE HELL.

There's clearly something going on and since the promos last week, we've assumed it's that Simon doesn't like Alene, but doesn't want to hurt her.

But ads for Married at First Sight are clickbait. We learnt this long ago.

After being pushed to his absolute limits by the experts, Simon eventually confesses that the home visit was really difficult, because his dad passed away last year and he really misses him.

Oh. Well that's heavy. And normal. And explains a lot.

The experts ask how much he would have liked his father to have met Alene, and Simon replies, "words can't describe it."

Jesus. This didn't go how we expected. We don't do well with men crying.

Simon and Alene both choose to stay, and everyone gives Simon a standing ovation. It's like these are actually normal, legit people with...

Oh wait. Here comes Nick from the strippaz.

Sharon and Nick are super happy and Sharon says she'd move away from her sister for love. You can see the precise moment Michelle's heart breaks.

She's done. Yes, Sharon's happy but she's being annoying about it — like, rubbing it in people's faces by being on television, etc. Sharon and Nick decide to stay, and seriously, if Michelle doesn't choose to leave, this episode was a waste of everyone's time. Particularly ours.

There's ominous music.

Michelle's looking sad.

The experts ask how the home visit went, and Jesse says, "I couldn't picture it going any better."

It's like he's... deluded. Or just trying to be nice. We can't tell for sure.

Michelle says there's no passion, and John Aiken exclaims, "OK, LET'S CUT THE BULLSH*T."

Except he doesn't, but we wants to. He asks straight out whether it's "kinda not working."

There's silence.

It's time to share their decisions.

Obviously Jesse stays, because... he likes Nick? He's finally found someone he can poop around? Even though she hates it? We don't know, and neither does he.

THEN MICHELLE CHOOSES TO STAY.

WHY. WHAT. This is stupid.

The experts give them some advice about "finding the passion and romance" which is an absurd thing to say to two people who so obviously don't fundamentally like each other.

But tomorrow night each husband visits the home town of their fake-wife, and it looks like some serious sh*t goes down.

UNTIL THEN.

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