Marriage is about both of you. It should never be a solution to your own personal destiny.

An engagement is always something to be celebrated, right? Everyone loves a wedding. Everyone loves love. But what if that engagement happens for the wrong reason? Or at least, for a questionable reason…. What then?

As I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this morning, a friend of mine had shared a picture on her page of Alex McKinnon announcing the news of his engagement to his girlfriend Teigan Power on Instagram.

For those who have not followed this story, Alex McKinnon is a 22-year-old rugby league player for the Newcastle Knights, who is recovering from a career-ending-three-man tackle that he endured during a game two weeks ago against The Melbourne Storm.

McKinnon is still recovering in hospital and facing the very real prospect of being a quadriplegic for life.

I liked the Facebook post. I think that it’s a wonderful announcement to come out of a terrible situation. Hope can carry us through some of the darkest times of our lives.

But…

I couldn’t help but question if marriage is the best thing to consider, right now? I couldn’t help but think of the enormity of pressure that moment would have put on his fiancée….

“What if she wasn’t considering marriage at this time of her life?”

“Was he concerned that she would leave him as a result of his injury?”

“Why did he not propose before and instead chose to now?”

“Was she feeling pressured at the time to say ‘yes’?”

“How would she be deemed if she said ‘no’?”

“Does she understand the extent of what is about to become her life?”

“As a wife, and the second half of the marriage, will her personal needs be met?”

So many questions have been running through my mind. I am in my own marriage with healthy kids and a working husband, and I still get lost in the relationship, trying to make sure my own personal needs are being met as well as making sure I work and provide for my family. And often I hear myself saying, “This week I am going to learn how to say NO!”

I often feel as though I have lost my own personal identity.

And before you vilify me, the only reason why I question all of this… it’s because I have first-hand experience of what happens to someone when their partner loses their ability to be self-sufficient.

For almost 10 years, I watched my mother turn from being a wife, to becoming a full-time carer – and there is a huge difference.

I watched my mother turn from having two dependant people who relied on her, to having three people being financially, and in every other aspect, dependant.

I have seen my mother break, cry and miss out on her own career ambitions, travels, hobbies, friends – and almost her own identity – as a result of becoming the full-time carer.

I have seen her be patient, loving and endearing to my father during his time of needs, but also be a broken woman as a result of battling her own sense of guilt, for resenting my father and his situation.

I have seen my mother hold the fort for the family, but no one to hold her own fort – one that needed to be held so desperately.

And I have also seen what happens to a fully-functioning man become incapacitated by his own body. I have seen the rage, jealousy and the defeat he suffered.

I lived through the expectations my father had of my mother, because she was his wife and therefore… And after years of both never being able to recover from this time, they are no longer together. And while it is an accumulation of things that lead to the divorce, I cannot help but know that those years took their toll on both parties.

Hope is often the result of despair. In our darkest moments, we look for the positive outcomes that help us survive through breakups, job loss, death, any sort of life-changing events. Even injury.

Hope gives us something to look forward to, gives us motivation to come out of despair. And while the situation is devastating for Alex, I wonder if putting the enormous amount of pressure on a young woman, like Teigan, to become his wife and life partner, has been carefully considered.

Marriage is about both of you. It should never be a solution to your own personal destiny.