There’s a good reason there are many one-child families. With a radar born of self-preservation, from a frighteningly early age, kids know when Mummy and Daddy are up to something and will do everything in their power to interruptus la coitus. Not only does this make things challenging when you are trying to conceive another child, when you’re dating and you bring someone home for some horizontal folk dancing….well, it can be a tricky thing to, er, pull off.
Finally, I have received my first letter asking for my advice as MM’s Sex Reporter (or, on occasion, Sex Doer). This letter comes from Lisa:
I am a 35 year old woman with no children of my own. I have met the man of my dreams and everything is going really well. He is a caring, charming and generous partner – we have an amazing intellectual synergy and are very physically compatible….our sex life is good. Excellent even.
As well as being such a brilliant partner, my man is also an extremely caring and doting father. He has been married before and has 2 children aged 4 and 6 who he shares custody of. I respect this so much and it makes me love him even more. But the kids will be living with us full-time for the next 6 months and I want to know how on earth we have sex with children in the house.
I am sure most of the MM community has in fact dealt with this before. Some of you probably on a day to day basis but I haven’t ever had to consider this aspect of my sexual relationships. So can you please tell me when we “do the act”? Do the kids need to be out or asleep, do we have to lock the door?, Be very quiet?
HOW you have sex with children in the house. When? Where? At all?
Okay Lisa, let me start by saying that I wrote an answer to you earlier today. It included the line ‘Don’t worry, it is perfectly possible to have sex with children in the house. My husband and I do it all the time.’ Shortly afterwards, my phone rang and I left the room. When I returned, there was a nine year old sitting at my computer.
“Mum, do you really have sex when we’re in the house?” she asked. “When? When we’re asleep? Do you ever have sex when we’re awake?”
The lesson to be learned is this: If you’re going to write about sex, make sure you do it when the kids aren’t going to walk into the room. And the moral of the story is this: If you’re going to have sex, then the same thing applies.
Having sex with kids in the house is definitely not the same as having sex without kids. When you’re alone in the house, anything goes. You can have sex in your bed, on the floor, on the couch, on the kitchen bench, in the pool, even hanging from the chandeliers, as long as neither of you are particularly heavy and there aren’t any loose electrical wires.
Having kids nearby is limiting. Not too much – you can still have fabulous sex – however, you have to follow three golden rules.
The Sex After Children Rules:
1) The kids must not see you having sex.
2) The kids must not hear you having sex.
3) The kids must not know that you are having sex.
Now, rules 1) and 2) are self explanatory. Wait till the kids asleep. Don’t be so loud that you’ll wake them up. And if there’s every any doubt that they can get out of bed and wander around the house, for the love of god, lock the door. Because there’s nothing more traumatising than seeing your parents have sex. Trust me. I’ve…er… heard.
Rule 3), however, needs some clarification. It is fine – indeed, healthy – for the kids to know that you are having sex in general. Sex is part of a normal, loving marriage and it’s important that children appreciate this. What they don’t need to know is when you are having sex in particular. Kids need to go to sleep, safe in the knowledge that their parents are not bonking in the room next to them, even if… you know… they are. Because if there’s one thing that’s almost as traumatising as seeing your patients having sex, it’s knowing that they’re having sex. Ew.
So don’t worry, Lisa. You will still have great sex, nightly, if you want. But just not on the kitchen table for a while. And not at 6pm.
Unless, of course, you can get the kids to sleep out occasionally.
Now there’s a sexy idea.
Don’t forget if you want sex advice from someone who is not qualified to give it but is a very humorous writer, send an email to email@example.com and put For Kerri in the subject line. She can’t promise to help you but she will make you laugh.
Ever sprung your parents having sex? If you have kids, have they ever sprung you?
How DO you have sex after kids?