Married At First Sight episode 3. So many fights. So many flatpacks.

The third episode of Married At First Sight has happened.

I’m ashamed to admit I’m enjoying this show. Despite various ethical reservations, and the fact that I think the ‘social experiment’ tagline is a bullshit mask for ‘cheap reality television’…. It’s REALLY ENTERTAINING.

It’s okay though. I’m only watching the social experiment as a social experiment.

So what happened in the third episode? Last week, the couples went on their ‘honeymoons’ (remember, they are not ACTUALLY married, they are married in the same way a Barbie and Ken doll would be married if a kid held them face-to-face and made up some vows. They are just living together as man and wife blah blah social experiment blah etc).

And now they’ve moved in together. Here are the highlights.

1. Zoe moved in to Alex’s man-house.

Before the actual moving happened, Alex’s mum helped him prepare his bachelor pad. There was nothing in his fridge but a slab of Coronas and some ham. There was also alcohol in his linen cupboard. His mum told him he had to get rid of his DJ decks. Alex obliged… though I spotted them later in the episode, still there.

Zoe moved in. Was not as impressed with Alex’s man cave as he was hoping (it has more than one remote-control helicopter, and a full-sized motorbike). Zoe is also not impressed with the distance from Alex’s house to the city.

Alex cooked dinner in a microwave. Zoe came out with my top quote of the night: “Alex prepared a meal that took eight minutes, and when it finished it beeped.”

They spent the night in the same bed, and had to get up at 5.30am for work. Zoe had to commute for an hour, but some random commuters on her train told her that she has been given the gift of downtime. True. She sure looked down.

2.  Lachlan and Clare had epic fights

Farmer Lachlan, 36, moved into the tiny Sydney unit of marketing manager slash actor Clare, 37. Clare told the cameras that her apartment is so small, “If one thing is out of place, it makes me claustrophobic.” Lachlan brought his dog.

They had their first fight within about an hour and a half. It seemed that Clare works long hours all the time, and Lachlan wants her to go to his farm for one of the three weekends they will be spending together. She doesn’t have a whole weekend free. So, no solution but to fight about it.

Clare said ‘fuck you’. Dog looked sad.

3. James moves into Michelle’s house.

My favourite couple. Last week, it seemed as though they fell in love upon seeing each other at the altar. James was welcomed by Michelle with some rules on her chalkboard. “Happy wife is happy life, and always put the seat down.” I am struck by the horrific realisation that, having known each other for one week, these couples are now going to have to go Number 2 at their brand new partner’s house, in near vicinity.

That’s probably why most couples wait before moving in together. Ain’t nothing romantic about pooping.

Also, James bought Michelle a diamante heart-shaped necklace. STOP IT JAMES. Get out of my dreams.

All the moments. Post continues after the gallery.

4. Roni and Michael do some awkward drinking.

It was hard to tell, but it looked like Roni actually made over Michael’s couch with some new cushions after one hour. Like, she packed them herself. She is either super-organised, or a super-control freak (or more likely: Was told to do it by the producers). Michael made Roni a fancy meal. Roni decided she would sleep in the spare room because Michael has a shit mattress.

Roni and Michael do more coincidental, awkward sips of beverages than any other couple I’ve ever seen.

5. IKEA sorts shit out.

The couples were sent on a shopping trip to IKEA. Why? “It’s interesting to see a couple shop for the first time.” Is it, pyschologist? The marketing team at IKEA who paid for it probably agree.

An employee at IKEA said something that his bosses probably wouldn’t be thrilled about; “If you two can survive shopping, and still be laughing at the end of this, then your marriage will survive.” Good to know. Furniture shopping is now the yardstick of a good marriage.

Then they had to put together the IKEA furniture. James said ‘fuck’ four times in one sentence which made me love him even more. But it’s okay, everyone survived.

6. Things get a bit tense between all the couples.

This is unrelated to building IKEA furniture, surprisingly.

Michael told the camera that he’s “worried the spark’s not there all the time” between him and Roni, and he’s a feeling as though he’s in limbo. Roni spoke to her friend about her past divorce haunting her, and not wanting to get hurt again. Michael and Roni bought a new mattress and spent the night together, which has hopefully solved all of their underlying issues (get it? Lying? Like lying on a mattress? Anyway…)

Clare and Lachlan had another fight over the same thing as last night. Next day, Lachlan found address of Clare’s work so he could send her some flowers.

Michelle asked James to talk more about their relationship, because he was being too cautious. Probably related to the microphone on his lapel.

Zoe insulted Alex’s intelligence:

Zoe: “If you don’t know Mandela’s life story as well as I do, I can’t help but think ‘how can you not?’. And I’m sure you’ll be like ‘how can you not know this engine’ or whatever it is you do.”

Alex: “You simplify my life so much… Where I live, what I do, you’ve summed me up in to this guy who is uneducated and struggling to make ends meet.”

Alex proved to the camera he’s not dumb by saying something possibly true about Zoe “I think she’s committing to the experiment rather than me, and I don’t like that.”

7. We ended on a happy note.

Clare found time to go to the farm with Lachlan. Some cows moo-ed at her. She liked it.

Summary:

Number of times the words ‘social experiment’ were used: 5 (3 within the first two minutes)

Number of couples sharing a bed together: 4

Awkward drinks shared by Roni and Michael: 2

Fights between Clare and Lachlan: 2

Best Zoe quotes (who says ‘OMG’ every sentence, followed by something intelligent, hilarious and profound).

“It’s a natural progression on steroids.”

“Alex prepared a meal that took eight minutes, and when it finished it beeped.”

“I am a morning person. It’s just that I’m a morning person around about 8.”