Dear God, It’s happening. I am nearly 28, and not married.

No, I am not a single, independent, childless woman. I am in a relationship with a man I love immensely, who doesn’t want to marry me.

We have all the characteristics of a family enjoying married life. We have been together for nearly six years, we have a child and share finances.

But the niggling won’t go away.

I have dreamed about getting married ever since I had my first crush. What the fuck does ‘not believing in marriage’ mean anyway?

Is it because I find it hilarious to fart in bed and air the doona? Sure, yes it is childish.

Please Kasey Chambers, get out of my head! I am sure I’m not pretty enough, I am probably too outspoken and yes, I think I cry too much.

I am good enough to bear his child, but just not good enough to marry?

Just not this Mamamia reader.

So people say I should give him ‘the’ ultimatum. I can’t. I know he loves me, I know he would give in. Then; do I spend the rest of my married life knowing he was forced into it? On the other hand, I can’t go on resenting him either. I am not going to leave, the thought of spending my life without the man I love is too much to bear. I would rather have him than a certificate.

But the niggling won’t go away.

Recently I was watching Home and Away (yes, I am shockingly addicted) and found myself wishing Roo would slip in some mud and ruin her dress. I find myself thinking about it with most brides. It’s terrible, I know. I hope for a downpour to ruin their day. I hope a dog lifts its leg on the bride and she either has to change out of her dream dress or spend her entire wedding stinking of piss. I hope the car breaks down and she doesn’t make it to the church on time. It’s terrible isn’t it? It is jealousy, pure jealousy.

Sometimes, I get out my Grandmother’s ring she gave me, and flip it over, so the jewel is inside the hand. Then, I walk around the shop like I was married.

I think I need to be hospitalised.

When I can get away with it, I give my partner’s last name as my own, even if it’s just so my last name matches my daughter’s. I wonder if they think, “Oh, look at that happily married couple.” Of course they don’t, how ridiculous. I can be idiotic.

We have been together six years, I think our ‘honeymoon’ period is over. I seriously doubt he is going to get less sex than he does now.

But the niggling won’t go away.

I don’t waltz into bridal stores and try on dresses, no, that would be crazy. Instead I avoid them like the plague… Because I am afraid I would go in and try on a dress. Have the shop assistant tell me how beautiful I look. She would ask how long we have been together, ah yes, that would be nice. Fantasies.

I don’t want a big wedding. Screw the marquee, the reception hall and the 10 Bridesmaids. Give me one in the backyard, you know; the big party in the garage with a few balloons and broken deck chairs. The one where I say I insisted on a ‘buffet’ style reception because I was too damn stingy to hire tables. The party where Uncle Fred gets pissed on the free VB and tries to chat up his sister. The one where I say the catering company cancelled because I really just like the taste of a good ol’ Aussie BBQ.

But no, no day, no wedding and no free VB for Uncle Fred. Just me, unmarried me. Gloriously happy because I have the man I love and a beautiful little girl. Yet, intensely unhappy because I don’t have a husband.

But the niggling won’t go away…

This post was written by a Mamamia reader who wished to remain anonymous.

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