I'm going to refrain from phrasing this question in terms of 'how much do you allow your partner to go out" because I think that's pretty demeaning to everyone involved. Isn't it? Do men need 'permission' to go out? Do women? But I've had a Group Therapy question from a reader who wants to hear from other women about what goes on in their relationships when it comes to going out.
Jane writes….
Every two months or so, my husband goes out after work and instead of just having a few drinks, he gets really drunk and comes home late. Midnight, 1am, sometimes 3am. If I call to ask where he is, he gets nasty on the phone.
He says he needs to socialise with industry collegues and that it's part of his job. He works in the banking industry and I do know that clients expect to be taken out. But I sit at home getting more and more furious becuase I think it's so unfair for me to just be left at home with the kids (5 and 3). I've even considered separating over this.
So my question is, what level of freedom do you allow your husband/partner in terms of going out? What do you think is reasonable?
I think this is quite fascinating. I know women who freak at the thought of their partners going out without them. Others who encourage it. I would fall into the latter camp. Especially after you have kids, sometimes you can't get a babysitter or you need to divide and conquer. And I think it's important to have groups of friends that aren't just 'couple' friends.
What has been your experience around this? Do share….
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It's once every two months and you've considered seperating? I'm not suprised your husband get's annoyed on the phone. That is 6 times a year. Let him have his fun! Why don't you go out with your friends sometimes? It's seriously not a big deal, and framing the question like this makes you sound quite high maintenance. I wouldn't be suprised if there are some other issues going on..
My view is that if I man is married with young kids at home, there is no need to be going out and getting really drunk with his work mates. "Socialising" with work mates is fine, but when it turns into a massive night out this is not so appropriate. This is just my opinion though - I left partying into the early hours of the morning back in my Uni days (and so did my partner). We still enjoy going out with friends - but it's a lot more fun together.
There's a lot of talk about maintaining your independence in a realtionship - but I reckon this is often used as an excuse to neglect your partner.
I'm also a believer that "going out" (as in going drinking at the pub, club or whatever) largely exists for single people to flirt or hook up with people of the opposite sex. I'm not saying that this is the only reason for 'going out' but it is almost always a component of it. This is why I think it's weird that people in relationships enjoy 'going out' without their partner.
Jane it sounds like your husband is wanting to feel young again and he gets nasty on the phone to you because he wants to forget about any responsibilities. My only advice would be to talk to him. It's amazing what you will discover by talking, talking, talking. Tell him how you feel.
Sorry if I'm not very helpful.
I totally agree. Going to clubs/bars/pubs without your spouse is a bit inapproprate I think - ONLY because those places are pick up joints!
However, going out for a round of golf, or for lunch or to watch a movie with some mates... I don't have a problem with that! I think that is excellent and very different from hanging around in sleazy pick up joints.
I think married ppl who go to clubs/bars etc without their partners are asking for trouble. Doesn't make sense to me.
EVERYONE is different with a bit of alcohol in them. Why don't more ppl value their relationship & want to protect it?
I totally disagree...If it were a regular binge drinking thing then there is a problem of another sort but suggesting that partnered or married people are looking or asking for trouble is a broad generalisation..Isnt that saying that a person needs to supervise their partner for fear of them being picked up or picking up? and locking them up at home means they love you and can be trusted?
everyone knows their own partner..if you have trust issues of that type then I personally wouldnt even bother being in the relationship with that person.If I found that they were out flirting even "innocently' because he was in front of mates then the relationship for me would be over... Done and dusted.