Emotional abuse. This is how it happens.

It’s a hideous, painful and often bewildering rite of passage for many women (and some men but most often women). An emotionally abusive relationship never starts out that way. It starts out exciting and usually with great sex. Lots of passion. Highs. But also lows. This drama cycle can easily be mistaken for True Love. A deep connection. Intense intimacy.

But what it is is just toxic and destructive for the victim of abuse. I know this because I’ve been there. I wrote about my relationship with “Charlie” at length in my memoir Mamamia and even though it was years ago in my early twenties, writing about it felt raw and real and recent.

I’m a confident person. Even was back then. I had a great job. I earned my own money. Rented my own apartment. Owned a car. “Charlie” had none of those things. And yet he still managed to cast a twisted spell over me that slowly saw me isolated from my friends, family and anyone who could say “what the fuck are you doing? Get OUT of there.”

It wasn’t their fault. They didn’t know the true extent of it. One of the quirky signatures of emotionally ab

usive relationships is that the victim actively protects her partner. I didn’t want to tell anyone the truth because I knew they would all judge Charlie and just tell me to dump him. Because that was exactly what I should have done. But for some perplexing reason, I didn’t want to. I was in his grasp. And that isolation made me extremely vulnerable to his manipulation. Even more vulnerable.

So in a weird twisted way, we enter into an unspoken contract with our abusive partner to enable fucked behaviour and protect him from judgement by other people. I wasn’t a doormat with him. Well, not entirely. I could yell at him and often did (less and less as time went on) but I wouldn’t want others to criticise him. One of those “it’s ok for me to be critical, because i love him- you don’t so you’re not allowed” things.

I’ve seen girlfriends repeat this toxic cycle to their extreme detriment. Smart girlfriends. Financially independent girlfriends. Women who have ever reason and ability – ON PAPER – to kick his arse to the curb and walk away. But it often takes months and years. I know older women (often the mothers of emotionally abusive men) who NEVER find it in themselves to leave. This is the saddest thing of all.

Today, I want to share with you a story by a woman I admire very much. Nina Funnell is a regular Mamamia contributer and her writing always makes me think. This is her story…….

Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? How did you get out of it?

If you are stuck in an abusive or toxic relationship please click here or here. If you need to speak to someone immediately please call Lifeline on 13 11 14

Make sure you don’t miss a single post with the MM daily update direct to your inbox.