BY EM RUSCIANO
Welcome to the jungle bitches. (The first part must be sung in your best Axel Rose voice, then, launch into Samuel L Jackson for the “bitches” part.)
Here is the first revelation; it ain’t hard for ladies to be getting sex. If you want sex sans authentic connection then you will never lay naked and alone in bed ever again.
Men want to have sex with you. They do. They just may not necessarily want to move in, get married and have babies with you. Some will, but most won’t. If you are willing to offer up the sweet boot-ay and not expect depth – ladies start your engines.
I don’t have too many straight men in my life, I have Dave Thornton (Comedian) my friend Lee Elliott (Model Slash Plumber) Rob Mills (International Playboy) and of course my Dad, Vincie.
You see, I am ready to start seeing people and if left up it to my Gay Mafia, I’d be single with six dogs and a hot pool boy from now until the time I am gin soaked and wearing turbans as a pseudo face lift.
I needed man advice, so I turned to the motley crew of heteros available to me.
I asked Vincie first: “Dad, how do I approach men I’m interested in dating”? He pondered this for a second and responded with:
“I don’t know about that but remember to karate chop a man in the wind pipe should he try to assault you. It knocks ’em down quickest and doesn’t leave evidence (bruises) in case you wind up in court”.
I politely thanked my father and made a mental note to never, ever (times infinity) ask him for romantic advice again.
Lee (Model Slash Plumber) said it was emasculating for a woman to ask a man out on a date and that I should just wait to be asked. If a dude wants to, then he will. I sometimes worry my very presence is emasculating to most straight men so I may be in a bit of trouble here.
Note: I’m not sure Lee is the best source of advice for me as he is offensively attractive and usually dates his female equivalent. They are a separate species to us and our rules don’t apply in their world. Think Avatar but with less blue people and more rock hard abs.
My cousin Dave said: “Double texting (sending one message and then sending another without waiting for a reply) is a sign of desperation, be cool”. This was in response to me taking quite a fancy to his best friend who seems to have an aversion to replying to my text messages.
Rob Mills said, “Don’t play games, just be honest about what you want. He will respect you more. Also – No muff.* Muff is making a come back. We don’t like that”.
*Apparently big 70s style pubic hair is adorning the pelvic region of young ladies across the land. I for one am most pleased to hear this!
Dave Thornton said: “Men need to feel like they are hunting. Allow them to hunt.”
Say what now?
It seems that if I dress up as a shy, straight talking, bald deer who only sends solo text messages then I may be in with a fighting chance. I have also decided that the whole dating caper is a SHAM.
I can’t be bothered.
Booo to dating.
I’ve had a few dates. Here are the headlines from those experiences:
Man 1 – Saw him once, he disappeared and then resurfaced after a series of strange phone calls explaining that he had started meditating again and reconnected with some old hurt that rendered him emotionally paralysed. He then broke up with me. Let us all remember – I’d seen him ONCE.
Man 2 – Met. Instant connection. Four dates. Nothing physical. Told me he just wanted to be mates. Then he tried to kiss me. (I checked in with Dave Thornton on this tactic. He said friend-zoning someone and then trying to pick them up is a classic move as if you still go along with it, it means you are totally cool with nothing more serious occurring.)
Man 3 – 29. Lovely. Ridiculously attractive. Only calls me at 4am. Won’t be seen with me in public.
You see, I know what I want. I don’t need a father for my children as they have a perfectly lovely one. I don’t need to be taken care of finically, spiritually or emotionally as I have six gay men who do the last two of those pretty bloody well. What I do want is someone to hang out with, go to events with, have late Sunday morning breakfasts with and well, get nude a few times a week with.
Perhaps I should write that on a card and hand it over the next time I’m asked out, it’ll save a lot of time!
As the Red queen says, the night is dark and full of terrors. (I’ve been putting in A LOT of Game of Thrones time lately.) However I still hold our hope that a Robb Stark look-a-like is out there for me who thinks I’m rad, finds fart jokes hilarious, doesn’t mind that I eat in the shower and tolerates the fact that I dress exclusively in lycra.
Em Rusciano regularly appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’. You can follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here. You can also find her Facebook page here. Tickets to Em’s Melbourne International Comedy Festival show “Puberty, Rhythm & Blues” at The Factory Theatre in Sydney are on sale now and you can get them here.