Yikes, this one's gotta hurt. I've heard a number of stories lately about weddings that have been called off. Sometimes, mere hours before they were due to start. I always think this is ultimately a very wise and courageous thing to do. If it's not right, don't go there. There's a lot of paperwork involved in a divorce. And therapy (although I'd hazard a guess that therapy could also be required for anyone whose wedding got yanked).
Me? I think I may have just gone through with it so I could keep the gifts (which is the subject of a whole other post that's coming up in the next week or so). Anyway. The whole jilted at the alter thing has never happened to anyone I know (just friends of friends) so I've never heard it directly from the bride herself.
Until now. One poor MM reader was a bride-to-be who found herself in that exact situation.
Ros* writes….
"I met (my now ex) Alex when i first moved to Sydney and moved into a house share. He opened to the door in a towel, grunted, scratched something inappropriately and wondered back to the garden to finish his cigarette. It was love at first sight. We got together pretty quickly (but longer if my mum asks) and within 6 months had moved out into our own flat. We bought a house together later that year and settled into the blissful domestic harmony of painting walls and putting up shelves.
We'd been together for 3 years and it wasn't ever really a question that we wouldn't get married, everything was just so perfect. He was desperate for children and we'd planned to get pregnant as soon as the wedding was over. We were due to be married in March.
It was the middle of January and we were in David Jones concocting a wedding list. He was dragging his feet like a being a bit a of a child – like most men when it comes to shopping i suppose. Anyway I think I snapped something like "Alex, do you actually want to marry me" and he said, get this. "Im not sure." Im not sure??? Now possibly I should have been clearer that this was a rhetorical question but the damage was done.
As you can imagine the next week or so fell apart pretty quickly. We tried counseling and we quickly realised that there was probably some family problems influencing the way he was feeling. I was calm, I tried to reassure him that he didn't need to rush an answer, that stuff was already booked so he may as well take a couple of weeks before making a final decision. I tried to be firm, told him he was running away and that i was going to stand beside him. It was hard, he still maintained he loved me and just didn't know why it felt wrong. Eventually he pulled the pin. I think the stress of having to make the decision become the reason for the decision itself… i think he just wanted to run away. He moved into his office and I set about the devastating task of unraveling a wedding and telling family and friends, many of who were flying over from England that the wedding was off.
That was earlier this year and Im doing ok. Im a pretty pragmatic person, you cant blame someone if they fall out of love with you and considering how much Alex avoids confrontation it was pretty strong of him to make a stand. We've tried to help each other through this and I think that has truly helped us both (Although he made a few shitty decisions through the course of it, like when he took the TV before Id bought a replacement – who leaves a jilted lady without sex in the city???).
We've kept in contact and recently he's started talking about whether we should try again. He says he loves me and I love him and that maybe we should just do it. He thinks he maybe just freaked out. Im obviously very confused, I feel a little emotionless about the whole thing but i don't know whether that's because I've put up barriers to protect myself or because theres just too much damage. Can a couple ever truly get over something like this?"
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Time for some Group Therapy. Anyone?
And if you have an anonymous question that could benefit from some collective wisdom, email it here with "Group Therapy" in the subject line…..
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Top Comments
About 5 years ago, something similar happened to me. I was going through a difficult period, being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He dumped me 5 months before the wedding, stating that I wad "making him sad".
The hurt that he caused me then has really scarred me. Luckily I have met a wonderful man, and we are to be married this October. After what happened so long ago though, it was a HUGE leap of faith to agree to let myself be open to the possibility of "another" wedding. Luckily he is marvellous, and I am now secure enough in his love to know that he's around for the long haul.
I guess you'll never know until you try, but ... a note on the friends/family thing. I was in a make-or-break situation with a long term boyfriend once; not quite the same as this - he was having a lengthy affair, I found out, and in the two minutes during which the whole world ground to a halt, I mentioned possible counselling. He said, and I'll never forget it, 'We could, but I could never face your friends and family again'. KERPOW... that was it. I was done. So yeah, I think asking someone to do that would definitely separate the seriously-can't-live-without-you dudes from the rest.
It sounds like perhaps you didn't take a break from one another after it happened - maybe you should now? Literally try no contact for say, for a month, and see if you still feel emotionless about him and the chance of reconciling.