By MICHELLE D’CROIX
Recently, I confessed to a complete stranger at a party that there is a really big hole in my life …
I was of course, talking about love.
And it’s silly in some ways. Because my life is filled with love. Lots of it. And some of it, quite remarkable.
But I am talking specifically abo
ut romantic, intimate love. This is what is lacking in my life and has been for a decade.
A few days later I saw this stranger, she said she’d been thinking about me. She looked earnestly told me I needed to find happiness within myself before I could find happiness with someone else.
I didn’t need to think about this for more than a second.
Wanting intimate love has nothing to do with not being happy within myself. I like myself. I can honestly say, ‘I am enough.’ Most days. I’m all good about being a work in progress.
This doesn’t take away from the fact that I feel there is an empty space waiting to be filled.
I have watched so many of my friends fall in love, share joy with their partner, unite in beautiful ceremonies, create their first home together, miraculously
produce healthy babies, and then find their way through the chaos to go on to become amazing role models for their kids.
I know it’s not always perfect. I know that many of those friends want more. More freedom. More sex. More help around the house.
But I still want what they have. Flawed as it can be.
I know that it is precisely for the fact that I don’t have what they have, that I was recently able to travel for a year through Latin America. What better way to distract yourself from feeling lonely than to busy yourself with the joys of travelling?
Travel brings with it many benefits. The best thing is seeing your lifewith fresh & grateful eyes.
Right now, I am content. But I am also tired of waiting. And there’s a part of me that feels I am running out of time.
I recently read The Time Traveller’s Wife. I found it difficult to truly connect with the characters. It irritated me how she was forever waiting for him. But it did make me think a lot about love. And time. And the gift that is bearing children. The stuff we can’t control.
I will be 42 this year. If I am to bear a child, it needs to be soon. I have moved my cut-off date for having kids a few times now. 30. 35. 40. Soon it just will not be an option.
Given there is presently no-one to raise a child with – it seems I need to decide whether i am prepared to go it alone. Not really what i want, truth be told.
So I feel like I need to give up this very strong urge to become a mother. Let’s assume for a moment I can do just write it off. Forget about it.
That then eases the pressure of having to find someone love, by a certain date. Which should in theory, make things easier.
But it doesn’t. Because I still crave intimate love. Sometimes it’s just a fleeting moment, carried away on a spring breeze. Sometimes it’s a big achy hole I can feel inside my belly.
That is what I was talking about, when I spoke to that stranger at the party.
So how does one give up on the desire for intimate love? Isn’t it our desire to connect which keeps us going?
I think we all want to find that one person who ‘gets us’. Who will silently sit by our side if we’re sad. Who will fall about the place laughing at the same things we find pee-your-pants funny. Who will bring us a hot drink when we’re feeling unwell. Who will spontaneously tell us we’re beautiful. Who will gently set us straight if we’re not seeing things clearly. Who we can share our stories with. Who will encourage us to get out there & chase our dreams. Who will know how to pleasure us Right There.
And moreover, who will inspire all that in us. Who will make our heart skip a beat when we see them. Who will motivate us to be a better human being.
I want to find that person.
Has there been a time in your life when you gave up on love? What is it that keeps us convinced, throughout our lives, that we WILL find the right person? What advice would you give to a hopeless romantic like Michelle?