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Ever wondered what a stay at home Mum does all day? Here’s what the job description would look like if parenting were a ‘real’ job…

 

WANTED – THE PERFECT STAY AT HOME MOTHER

Job Title: Mother
Branch: Stay at Home
Section: Mainly kitchen and laundry, secondment to playground available upon request
Salary: Nil
Hours of work: 6.00am – 7.30pm daily, no meal breaks. Required to be on call 7.30pm – 6.00am.

Selection criteria

  • Fertile

Education and training provided

  • None

Main duties:

Child development

Provide and maintain an environment conducive to optimal child development including:

  1. Physical and emotional affection (without causing undue dependence)
  2. Discipline (without causing physical or psychological harm)
  3. Intellectual stimulation (without making the child feel inadequate)

Child nourishment

Ensure the child receives all the proper vitamins and minerals as per the appropriate guidelines including:

  1. Preparing and serving nutritious meals and snacks at least 5 times per day
  2. Enticing the child to consume the nutritious meals and snacks (without resorting to violence or undue psychological pressure)
  3. Preventing the child from consuming inappropriate foods such as sugar, processed food and excessive saturated fats
  4. Ensuring the child receives natural vitamin D from the sunshine (but do not allow outside without sunscreen, hat and sunglasses).

Child maintenance

Ensure the child is, at all times, clean and healthy:

  1. Dress the child in clean clothes each day. Change when dirty.
  2. Wash the child each day (without resorting to violence or undue psychological pressure)
  3. Spot clean the child after each meal, snack, outdoor activity or messy indoor activity
  4. Monitor the child’s health
  5. Take the child to regular medical check-ups and immunisation appointments
  6. Seek medical advice if the child appears unhealthy
  7. Nurse the child and administer appropriate medication (without resorting to violence or undue psychological pressure) if the child becomes sick – note excessive overtime will also be required if this occurs. Time Off in Lieu (TOIL) will NOT be available.

Household maintenance

Locate, obtain and maintain an adequate residence for the child at all times including:

  1. Cleaning
  2. Washing, drying, ironing, folding and putting away clothes
  3. Washing, drying, folding and putting away towels
  4. Changing, washing, drying, folding and re-making beds and bedsheets
  5. Arranging for any repairs or ongoing maintenance (may include outsourcing to your partner – do not resort to violence, but undue psychological pressure may be necessary to get the job done).

Stock control

Ensure all required items are available in the house at all times (may require multiple visits to retail outlets with the child) including:

  1. Ingredients for nutritious meals and snacks
  2. Nappies, wipes, toiletries, cleaning products etc
  3. Clothing, footwear and accessories in the correct sizes (check at least once per season as it is likely the child will require a new wardrobe at least once each season and possibly twice if a growth spurt occurs mid-season)
  4. White goods, bedsheets, towels, light fittings, batteries, torches and other associated small household goods.

Financial control

You will be responsible for a limited income, which you will have no control over but must ensure that you have budgeted for and actively paid for:

  1. Rent/mortgage
  2. Rates
  3. House and/or health insurance
  4. Groceries
  5. Medicines
  6. Clothing, shoes and accessories
  7. Entertainment / educational activities
  8. Electricity
  9. Gas
  10. Water
  11. Car insurance
  12. Car registration

You must also ensure that the following activities are completed at least annually:

  1. End of financial year tax return
  2. Applications for any and all social security benefits.

Other conditions

Notice required

Not applicable. Once accepted, any attempt to leave the position will result in immediate arrest and criminal charges.

Leave – holiday and sick leave

Holiday and sick leave accumulate annually. You will not be permitted to take any for approximately 5 years or until the child reaches school age. Then you will be permitted to take any and all holiday and sick leave providing:

  1. It is between the hours of 9.00am and 3.00pm
  2. You are not in paid employment between these hours
  3. You have finished all the cleaning, cooking and shopping
  4. You are not required at canteen duty, school excursion supervision or committee meetings.

How to apply

I’m sure you can figure that one out yourself. Do I need to draw you a diagram?

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