Exactly how much you need to save each month to become a millionaire by 65.

By the time I’m 65, I sincerely hope I am:

• A sudoku extraordinaire,
• A smug grandma,
• The owner of 10 absurdly fluffy robes, and finally,
• Rolling around in a gold-plated house bursting with fat stacks of cash.

I would just really like to not think twice about ordering Singapore noodles from Uber Eats every Friday night, you know? I’d like to walk into a Zimmermann store and announce “I’LL TAKE IT ALL”, and bundle a heap of those chiffon-y, flowery dresses into my arms and march my way to the register. I want to drive a car that doesn’t have two of its hubcaps missing like my sh*tty Holden Barina does right now.

I WANT TO BE RICH, DAMMIT. I WANT TO BE FILTHY RICH.

(Granted, journalism might have been quite the misstep when I chose my career – I hear investment banking earns a few more dubloons – but still.)

Stick with me please and don’t get lost because I swear this inane diatribe is going somewhere.

It turns out Business Insider, bless their cotton socks, determined precisely how much I need to save in order to become a millionaire by 65. And, well, it all seems pretty breezy – so long as you abide by the Golden Law of Saving Sweet Cashola.

That Golden Law is called “investing”, you guys. You need to invest.

WATCH: Men and women negotiating their salaries. (Post continues…)

Content warning: You’re about to read a wee bit of financial jargon.

“Becoming rich is nothing more than a matter of committing and sticking to a systematic savings and investment plan,” financial adviser dude David Bach writes in “Smart Couples Finish Rich“, a book about… well… I’m sure you can guess what it’s about.

If that all sounded like ‘Blah blah blah systematic savings blah!’ to you, let me break it down.

Basically, it means start putting your money to work people. Invest those pennies. As money wizard Bach says: “You don’t need to have money to make money.”

Well, technically that isn’t quite true but okay Yessir!

Before we get to the figures, I should tell you Bach assumes you’re starting with zero dollars invested. He also predicts a 12 per cent annual return on subsequent investments.

Cool? Cool.

LISTEN: Financial planner Canna Campbell shares how you can save on your weekly grocery bill. (Post continues…)

20-24

You, my sweet lil’ Netflix addict, with a face full of fear and hope and sexual frustration, should be saving $61 every month to invest. For those who struggled with Year 10 maths at school (but were great at drama, okay?) that comes to $730 for the year.

25-29

Alrighty, time to buckle down ya filthy animals. While you’re being young professionals/bridezillas/coming to accept that yes, you really are an adult now, you need to be investing $109 every month (that’s $1309 every year).

30-34

I’m not going to waste your time because you likely have young kids and a whole lot of lost sultanas to find. It’s $193 a month and $2317 a year for you, pals.

35-39

Again, see above, but replace “sultanas” with fidget spinners* and “find” with confiscate*. Now you’ve also gotta put away a little bit extra (sorry) – $345 a month, in total $4144 a year.

 40-44

Now that your little pot of gold has been cooking sweet money for two decades, you’re doing pretty well for yourself. As your salary has grown over the years, though, so too has the amount you need to invest. For the next five years you need to invest $625 a month (that’s $7500 per year).

45-49

Yikes. This is gonna hurt. You ready? You need to invest $1157 a month – that’s $13,879 a year. On the brightside, at least your kids make their beds without you asking now.

… Right? Right?!?!

50-54

Now that your offspring have (hopefully) moved out and taken their sock-ish smelling possessions with them, you need to commit to investing $2325 a month, or $28,824 a year. On the plus side, perhaps there are two of you coming up with this money together?!

55+

Fingers crossed that mortgage situation has sorted itself out, and you’re ready to smash these next years out of the park. With some extra room to wiggle, you need to save $4749 a month, or $56,984 every year until you’re 65.

So there you have it, folks. Follow Bach’s guide to becoming a millionaire and you’ll roll into retirement on a cloud of cash and ego.

See you then!