“How to keep yourself from sleeping with him, before you sleep with him anyway.”

'Hey, Madonna. Take it from me, it's never too late to get along with your ex.'
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'Hey, Madonna. Take it from me, it's...

 

By Jasmine Pierce.

This piece was originally posted on Reductress, the first and only satirical women’s magazine. Find us at reductress.com and check out our podcast, “Mouth Time!”

Resisting the urge to f*ck a ready and available dude can be nearly impossible.

But whether it’s for the first time or the millionth, you know you shouldn’t sleep with this guy tonight.

So here are some helpful tricks to talk yourself out of f*cking him right before you talk yourself back into it.

Don’t shave your legs.

This classic trick is a great way to remind yourself that you do not want to make this mistake right now. Every brush of one furry leg against the other will remind you about how embarrassing it would be to allow someone else to graze that shin. After you socially lubricate with a few shots, you will see him and totally forget not to have sex with him. But good for you for trying!

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Don’t go out.

Fully avoiding him is your best option when both the devil and the angel on your shoulders are telling you not to bang him. So if you know he’s going to that work event or mutual friend’s party, don’t go. Not seeing him is very helpful in delaying the inevitable breakdown of your will. You’ve already texted him, haven’t you?

Change his name in your phone.

Your friends keep yelling “DON’T TEXT HIM,” but that’s about as helpful as them watching you drown from the shore and yelling “STOP DROWNING!” So do yourself a favor and change his name in your phone to “***DON’T TEXT HIM***” and when that doesn’t work, change it to “***LOVE YOURSELF***” and while you’re doing that, he’ll probably text you out of nowhere. Don’t worry; you’ll be betraying yourself in no time!

Six women share the horrifying times that sex didn’t go to plan. (Post continues after video.)

Make a list of his many flaws.

You’re only marginally attracted to him, his sex skills are lacking, and he’s not that nice to you. The key to almost not fucking him is in remembering the negative feelings you have before, during, and after your time with him. And then keep remembering them while he’s inside of you tonight, so maybe you can stop yourself the next time. You’re doing great!!

Puke all over him.

There’s no quicker way to repel a man than to vomit on his body. And when his libido bounces back from that, you’ll still have your own feelings of disgust to (hopefully) hold you back. When that fails, try to enjoy the sex you are definitely going to have so at least some of the memories of that night won’t make you want to hurl all over again.

Always remember that you are an amazing and powerful woman, so you can find someone that’s better for you. But when you don’t feel like putting the effort into that, these tricks are here for you.

That is, until the moment you decide to go from “F*ck him!” to f*cking him. Good luck!

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