For those who have just endured a breakup, Valentine’s Day is like walking through a shower puddle while wearing socks.
It’s Easter for the lactose intolerant; Labour Day for retail workers; AFL Grand Final Day for those who just really couldn’t give a shit.
You get the gist. It’s a Pandora-promise-ring-filled day of NO THANK YOU.
And this is a big however.
There are very particular ways one can feign happiness to their ex, via the deep dark interwebz. With a (very full) glass of wine in hand, of course.
Namely, they are:
1. The suggestive Snapchat
Step 1: Go to Kmart
Step 2: Purchase $10 bed linen completely unlike any bed linen you have ever owned. Something generically ugly and brown should work.
Step 3: Change current bed linen to aforementioned new $10 bed linen. Dirty it slightly with the Thai food you just ordered to make it look authentic; a rogue noodle or two should do it.
LISTEN: While you’re at it, let Osher Gunsberg explain why you keep dating the same douchebags over and over. (Post continues…)
Step 4: Fluff up your hair a bit. Smudge your mascara. And for those who aren’t wearing mascara – put on some mascara. Now smudge it. Take an ambiguous Snapchat pretending you are on another person’s bed, completely tuckered out after a night of glorious raucous sex.
Step 5: Add an equally subtle caption. I suggest something along the lines of: “Happy Valentine’s Day lovers hahahahahaha LOL ;) ;) ;)”
Step 6: Add it to your My Story ONLY. Because sending it to him would be really desperate and look like you’re trying way too hard, obviously.
Step 7: Go about your night of eating leftover Thai while watching Married At First Sight.
2. The ‘these flowers are mine’ manoeuvre
See those flowers on your coworker’s desk?
Yeah, they’re yours now.
When Trisha from HR is on lunch, smuggle them out of the office. Upload a photo of them to Facebook. Delete any comments that say “don’t these belong to Trisha from HR?” because you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
3. The Instagram quote
This is quite simple. After changing your bio to “explorer and dreamer”, I want you to gather as many meaningful quotes about “moving on” and “inner peace” as you possibly can.
Upload them all simultaneously.
Ten is good, but about 23 is preferred. Litter each and every one with sparkly emojis to prove that you are TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FINE AND NOT AT ALL ELBOWS DEEP IN A BAG OF RED CHEESY DORITOS BECAUSE YOU FOUND INNER LOVE AND EFF THAT GUY TIMOTHY WHO BROKE YOUR HEART YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED HIM AND HIS STUPID FACE ANYWAY.
Check Timothy’s Instagram at regular intervals. Make a logbook of every like, comment and tag he posts. Graph these by the hour. Make sure you don’t get cheese salt in your eye when wiping the tears away.
4. The blunt message
Send your ex a super convincing message that'll really get the point across. Something like, "Just letting you know, I'm really happy and great without you. Like, really, really great. Asshole," should do the trick.
Alternatively, a voicemail of you singing a drunken rendition of Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone" should do it too.
Or, you know, stay away from technology and wait for this day of ridiculous materialism to pass. You're gonna be juuuuuust fine, friend.
What ways will you be proving you're like, totally and completely fine today?
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