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Open Post: How is the year treating you...

I’m back at work. What the hell am I doing here?
I’m back at work. What the hell am I doing here?

 

 

 

 

I took three glorious weeks off between Christmas and New Year. During that time I followed Radiohead’s advice; no alarms and no surprises please. Sadly the Karma Police came knocking on Monday and everything changed in a heartbeat.

I’m back at work. What the hell am I doing here? Am I the only Paranoid Android out there? Are you experiencing similar signs that we’re not in Kansas anymore?

1. Password Amnesia

This is a rare condition contracted annually by 95% of employees. Despite 11 months of entering a secret code into their computer at 9am every Monday to Friday, the Password Amnesia sufferer shows no signs of immediate recall. Sweat beads and scalp scratching are common side effects, as the patient scrambles to form coherent combinations of past phone numbers, PINs and old addresses.

This. Soul destroying.
This. Soul destroying.

2. Foot Fetish

Holiday-makers-turned-workers commonly contract a foot fetish whereby their sand-loving, thong-thrusting hoofs must be directly in contact with terra firma 24/7. Squeezing one’s sole into office-appropriate footwear may sound like a simple task but it is, in fact, soul destroying.

3. Sayonara Siesta

Vacationers are nocturnal creatures, rarely rising before 10am. They are most active between the hours of 11pm and 2am. It is at this juncture that they discover the joys of late night television, which may or may not involve the purchase of an ab cruncher and a deep empathy for The Real Housewives of all American states.

These long hours of exertion leave the holiday-maker fatigued and listless by 3pm. This is easily remedied by adopting a horizontal position for a minimum duration of one hour. Failure to assume this position will result in exhaustion. Despite their best attempts, employees will be totally unproductive for the remainder of their shift. Please note: coffee and chocolate should not be used as siesta substitutes.

Where’s the freshly carved ham, the custard and the candy canes?
Where’s the freshly carved ham, the custard and the candy canes?

4. A land of plenty

Holiday fare is laissez-faire. Whilst on leave, the worker enjoys abundance at every meal. Plum pudding is not out of place in the breakfast bowl. A trifle too much trifle is totally acceptable. Back at work, she is mocked by cling wrap embossed multi-grain. This is not the smorgasbord to which she has become accustomed. Where’s the freshly carved ham, the custard and the candy canes? They are in December and you, my famished friends, are in January.

5. This bus ain’t no airbus

Holiday transport tarnishes the working commute. No more boarding passes and hot towels. Seats are optional too. “Welcome aboard bus route 115. Our destination today is the CBD where the temperature is a scorching 39 degrees and 45 degrees in your suit. Our estimated time of arrival is exactly 20 minutes after your first scheduled meeting.”

So much carry on and no overhead lockers to go jam it.

6. Party Politics

The office Christmas party never really ends.
The office Christmas party never really ends.

Despite calling last drinks at midnight, the office Christmas party never really ends. You may think you’re going back to work with a clean slate but this cannot be assured until the Christmas collage goes live. Shout out to Glen from graphics for uploading those shots of your rather unfortunate Mrs Claus impersonation. Likewise Jude, nice work recording Clare’s karaoke of the 12 days of Christmas. This is precisely why workers become fruitcakes in January.

7. New Year’s Retributions

When travelling in packs, employees will frequently engage in discussions detailing how their lives are about to change. This will be the year of renewal and rebirth….and repetition. Incessant natter about vision boards, affirmations and bucket lists can leave the weary worker feeling verbally violated. To shut down these conversations, try swapping the word “resolution” for “retribution” then sit back and enjoy the New Year’s fireworks.

tonia zemek

 

 

Tonia Zemek worked as a tv producer for 15 years. Now she’s out of the box and into the net. Find her on twitter @zeetwi

 

 

 

 

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