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by ASHLEIGH MUTIMER
Two years ago I had an abortion. Two years ago to the day I had to make one of the most soul-crushing and horrific decisions of my life.
Christopher* and I had been together for three years and we’d been discussing starting a family for the last six months. He was in his early 40′s and starting to feel time was slipping away from him. I was in my early 20′s and could think of nothing better than having children with the love of my life.
We were away on a business trip when I discovered I was pregnant. Overjoyed, I began making OB/GYN appointments back home, looking at baby clothes and buying baby books by the dozen. If Christopher wasn’t quite as excited as me, I chalked it up to work stress and figured he would be more excited once we’d seen the ultrasound.
The day we flew home I drove straight to my doctor and she booked my eight week scan for the following Thursday. Christopher was holding my hand when we saw our baby for the first time – not much more than a blip on the screen but hearing that little heartbeat suddenly made it real. This was really happening!
Christopher chose that night to tell me he couldn’t do it. “I saw the excitement on your face today and I just don’t feel it. I’m sorry but I can’t.” Needless to say, I was crushed…furious…bewildered…scared.
For the next four days I ran the gamut of emotions from A-Z, trying to work out what had happened, what I was going to do. By the Sunday Christopher had come to a decision. He sat down with my parents and I, looked me dead in the eye and informed me that he didn’t love me; I was free to do whatever I liked but he would make me fight for every penny of child support and he wanted no part of this child’s life.
In the space of four days I had gone from the belief I was bringing a child into a loving family to the knowledge I was about to be a single parent at 22. Without a full time job and nothing but a $16,000 car loan to my name I was trapped between the proverbial rock and hard place, not knowing how to live with either decision.
Looking back, I don’t remember much about that time except a vague sense of drowning. I found an amazing counselor who first helped me reach my decision to terminate…then he helped me live with that decision. It’s taken a really long time but I’ve finally made my peace with everything that happened.
Over the last year I’ve found the strength to open up and talk to others about it. What has surprised me is the number of women who know exactly the pain I went through. Though not polite dinner party conversation, so many of us have been there in one way or another and realising that I’m not alone has somehow made each day that much easier. If I can help just one other person feel less isolated then going public with my story has been worth it.
*Name has been changed for privacy reasons.
Since graduating from high school in 2005, Ashleigh has either been working in hospitality or traveling. She has decided 2012 will be remembered as the year she resolved to join the adults and get a real job.
154 Comments so far
This comment is not directed at Ashleigh or others who have done this but more a general comment on abortion. I don’t understand why the choice is go it alone as a single mother or abortion. I completely understand there are situations where bringing a child into the world would not be good but why is adoption so rarely considered? There are so many childless couples that would cherish and adore these children and give them the life they deserve? A terrible situation could become a wonderful gift to someone.
And I don’t blame the mothers for not choosing this option, I think society in general doesn’t encourage it (especially in this day and age where everyone assumes the right to comment on people’s lives) and I think the government makes it very difficult for a couple to adopt (yes, screen the hell out of them so we don’t give children to evil people but I think the age cut off could be reviewed).
I just wish when this situation arises people consider this as a serious option.
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Because, as I said below, it involves 9 months of pregnancy and birth, neither things that are known to be entirely safe or comfortable. Plus the trauma afterwards.
I feel for those childless couples, I really do, but at the end of the day it’s absolutely not about them.
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I have been pregnant and given birth before so I understand first hand it’s not without risk.
I’m not getting on my high horse and saying everyone must choose adoption, I am simply saying I wish these discussions weren’t divided into 2 camps of “keep the baby ” or “abortion”.
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I too had an abortion three months ago. It was the hardest decision to ever make and the worst thing that I have ever done in my life. I wish I could turn back time and have my baby. People judge to easily about how many children you have, how old you are and if you could cope. I was scared to go through another pregnancy and labour without support. No support from the Doctor or abortionist. It was all negative and they basically sold me an abortion. It was horrible to say the least. I cry every day as I was in a venerable position and didn’t know who to turn too for support. I just wished someone would of taken my hand and said “everything’s going to be all right”. No one ever did. They told me it was only a “ball of cells”. I’m sure the nurse was paid to say that. As we are all made up of cells. I was pro-life before and even more strongly pro-life now. I will never forgive myself for stopping the beating heart of my baby. I confess, I am a murderer. I don’t judge others on their decision, it is hard. I judge myself, and wish now I was stronger and never did it. I’m going to have to live with this awful decision for the rest of my life. No one else does, only me. I will be forever sad.
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I’m a bit confused about the fact that you say you’re pro-life and chose to have an abortion. I’m pro-choice so I do not judge your decision to terminate, nor would I attempt to deny or invalidate your sadness about having done it. You seem to be blaming the medical professionals who assisted you with the termination though, which doesn’t seem fair. You made a choice. It’s not their responsibility to talk you out of it.
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I’d say there was more to the story. Could be health complications, age could be a factor. Or maybe she was coerced into it to by her boyfriend/partner/husband?..You just would not know unless you were there yourself. I guess until a person actually goes through something like this it is easy to speculate. So many things to take into consideration that no one knows about and what the health professionals actually said. Some are nice, some are just blatant and treat you like another number without any sympathy. So many variables. Who knows??
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At 17 years of age I fell pregnant to my boyfriend. He was physically abusive, emotionally abusive and had a terrible drug problem and is a rapist. I did not know any of this when I got together with him of course, I found out the hard way later on. I had tried to leave him and was in hiding when I found out I was pregnant to him. A ‘friend’ of mine told him, resulting in a beating when he found me. Yet this man wanted me to have the baby, it was his possession just as I had been. After many beatings, threats to my life and that of the baby I of course terminated the pregnancy. I could not bring myself to be connected to that VULGAR man forever and I was concerned for the safety of the child. I was NEVER offered counselling. I was subject to threats and harassment from his family for a long time after it. To this day I suffer depression and very low self esteem . And years down the track I get a call saying I may have hepatitis of the aneithatist who was there for my abortion. Luckily my results came up negative and I’m on the road to being ‘OK’ these days. Everyone should have a right to choose
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I came very close to considering an abortion when I was 25. I had just started seeing a guy who was much younger than me, he was in fact only 19. We had only gone out together a few times and I missed taking my pill on a weekend away and of course fell pregnant. It was such a difficult time in my life and I was so confused. The guy I was seeing said he would be supportive and wanted me to keep the baby. In the end I did keep her and this year that guy and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary, we’re more in love now than ever and have 3 children. I’m so glad that I didn’t go through with that abortion because I wouldn’t have my wonderful family now.
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Thank you for sharing the story Ashleigh! I was in a very similar situation few years back. It took me weeks (and 3x reschedulling the termination appointment) to come to the decision. Some people just don’t get how heart breaking it was. I am lucky to have supports from my friends and counsellor (even to this day). They help me realized it was the best thing to do for ME at that time. I’m still struggling with it everyday. I’m not the same person anymore because of it. And one day I hope I’d forgive myself. I wish you all the best!
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How sad that the baby didn’t get a chance at life.The woman could have been a onderful mother but noe she will never know.The baby would have been just fine growing up without a father like “Christopher” I wish she had the bub and gave her/him up for adoption.
Just some legal info: it’s not hard to get child support from the other parent. The Child Support Agency does all the work for single parents.
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I have never commented on an article on this site before, but I can’t keep silent to these ignorant views.
I’m sorry, but your comments on the child support agency are so short sighted. Have you had to ever deal with trying to get payments from a father who doesn’t want to pay. There is only so much child support can do. Guys are very cluey these days to get around having to pay a cent. From changing jobs frequently, to getting cash jobs, sympathetic employers who will delay submitting your tax file stat dec, to avoid child support from finding out where you are working. There is an amazing network of guys out there educating each other on ways to avoid paying. I’m owed thousands and have even helped track down each new employer of my ex. The new employer has months to reply back to child support and then can delay months again to actually sending any payments from their wages through. By then the circle goes around and around.
It is never a guarantee that you will get a cent from the other parent who will take every measure not to pay.
In my mind, Ashleigh made the right choice for herself and pregnancy. I see so many families living in poverty as they can’t access money that is rightly owed to them, that would actually give them a chance to buy food and clothing; give their children a chance in life.
Never guilt a woman for trying to prevent another child being born into these hardships. I think it is the least selfish choice she has made. Having the baby despite knowing she can’t provide for it, is the cruel choice. Bringing out the adoption line is lovely, but what about trying to sustain a health pregnancy, the cost of healthy food, safe shelter and other costs most women doen’t even consider.
Have a thought next time before you tell another unsuspecting woman, “child support will do all the work”… you have no idea just how hard it is…
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Oh Immy. ” it’s not hard to get child support from the other parent”. You’re funny! Hope you never get to find out first hand just how ridiculous that statement is.
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Thanks for sharing, Ashleigh! I’m so sorry for what happened to you and as for Chrristopher…well…what can I say?! He definitely deserves a big kick in the ass!
I have never had an abortion myself although I know plenty of people who have. I dont’ judge them as I don’t believe it’s a black and white issue at all.
My mother told me a few months ago that she’d had an abortion when she was about 23 or so. She had never told me this before. She was a university student who was finishing her degree and planning to move to Germany to do her honours year and was dating a guy that she realised there was no future with when she fell pregnant. She said she briefly considered having the baby but decided against it as she was all set to move to Germany and she knew that the father would not be supportive and that he was not the right one for her. She had the abortion and a few months later, moved overseas. My mother says that although it was difficult and emotional, she knew it was the right decision and has never regretted it.
The interesting thing is the chain of events that happened after she had the abortion: she moved to Germany, met the man who would become my father, they lived there together for a while before he moved out to Australia to be with her, they got married and then they had me and my brother. If my mother had decided to keep that baby she never would’ve have moved to Germany and met my father and I would not be here! It’s funny when you think about life, Sliding Doors and all that
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Without knowing the other side of the story, I reserve opinions about the guy. It’s just sad that it took a pregnancy for his true feelings to be known. I take my hat off to single mums but I hold a small amount of sadness for the kids who miss out on having a decent father in their lives. ‘Christopher’ sounds far from an ideal partner whatever his reasons for what he did, much less someone to share a child with
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The saddest thing about this story is that there was no “choice” made here. This abortion did not take place as a real choice, it was just short of coercion. How many “choices” for abortion are made by women like Ashleigh for someone else’s convenience? I know of at least 3. Christopher you are a bloody disgrace! Real choice needs to include women having the right to have a baby that they want as well as the other way around!
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I would be really interested to hear “Christopher”‘s side of the story in this. Not because I think it would have any merit – he sounds like a fairly despicable excuse for a man – but because I think it would be enlightening to know what goes through a man’s head to make him do something like this.
Immaturity? Insecurity? Fear?
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In my opinion it’s a blessing if a dad-to-be is honest about his lack of desire to parent a child, at a point where there’s still a choice in the matter. Yes, his irresponsibility in getting her pregnant in the first place, is regrettable. But to me, growing up with a deadbeat dad and an impoverished mum is not a good outcome to situations like theirs. Most people with that kind of start in life bear a lot of emotional damage in adulthood.
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I cannot believe someone would be sooo irresposible as to say they wanted to have a child & then say “oops changed my mind, bye”
I feel so sorry that happened to you, you dont want to be linked to someone like that for life
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I know someone who did exactly that, he married a friend of mine knowing fully that she wanted to have children straight away (he was totally in agreeance) and then literally weeks after their wedding the marriage was over because he confessed that he didn’t want a baby after all. She is absolutely shattered and the chain of events that his change of mind has caused has been devastating for her. Fortunately he ‘fessed up before she conceived but damage is done all the same.
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You made the best decision at the time so make sure you remember that.
I was 24 when I discovered I was pregnant. I always wanted the baby but I was not in a serious relationship with the father and there was also a chance it wasn’t his. The father often tried to convince me to have an abortion while the other guy was actually starting to like the idea of being a father.
All I can say is that I knew I could do it alone and 5 years later I’ve proven myself right. Nobody knows you better than you do. I knew I was in a great position financially and emotionally to raise a child by myself. I also understand that there are many who don’t feel the same way.
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I can only imagine the turmoil you experienced at this time of your life Ashleigh, must have been a very difficult decision.
I must say, I have mixed emotions reading this. I went through grueling fertility treatment to have my child, and it has definitely changed my perspective on this issue, I probably would have had a very different reaction to this pre fertility treatment. Life can be hard sometimes and as you said Asleigh you made the right decision for you at that time of your life. All the best.
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I am uneasy about abortion, it’s not a plesant topic & to be honest I fall soomewhere just slightly closer to the anti side of pro-choice. Ashleigh, I’m sorry you found yourself in this predicament. You made a decision that you believed was the right choice at the time, therefore it was the right choice, and ultimately that is all that matters. I’m happy that you’ve made peace with it. I imagine “Chistopher” will have his own demons to deal with looking back on this.
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I am technically an anti-abortionist. But once I THOUGHT I was pregnant and I can assure you that put a whole new perspective on the issue. What RELIEF when I didn’t have to make that abortion decision after all.
So, until someone has stood in your shoes, they do not know that horrible feeling of panic and fear you felt as you faced this decision. I cannot and would not judge you for the choice you made,
Now, go out there and make your way in life, Girl! XOXO
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I’ve never stood in this position and may never be able to, for 2 1/2 years I have been struggling to even just ovulate. Even though this is particularly sad for me – I am grateful all the time that I don’t have any regrets like an abortion in my past. I sometimes wonder if I was fertile the mistakes I may have made with the terrible men I dated when I was younger. it makes me sad that a baby was lost to this world but I also know with the state of the surrogate & adoption system in Australia – stopping abortions won’t help
Infertile women. So I have mixed emotions
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As someone who got pregnant at 17 and didn’t have an abortion, I applaud your decision. My son spent most of his first five years seeing his father verbally and sometimes physically abuse me. He was also neglected by his father when in his care, which is a thousand times worse! We finally got away from him, by moving interstate. However, I’m now at Uni, struggling to get through mentally and financially. Being a single parent is lonely and HARD! I love my son so very much, he is funny and clever and I would never give him up. However, anyone who had kids knows how much youwant the very best for them. At times (especially today!) I don’t feel like I am giving him what he deserves (the best). I have to come to terms with how my decisions have affected my son. So, if I were to be in that situation again I would do what you have so bravely done, Ashleigh. Thank you for sharing your story and all the best
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Hey its pretty easy for single parents to get scholarships at uni – Id suggest applying
Also look into centrelinks JET program as you get childcare virtually free 
Good luck!
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JET is changing but it’s still pretty damn good.
Check out your uni careers advisors – ours has a talent pool of current students that they offer jobs to from employers on campus.
By going to uni, you ARE doing the best for your son.
And yeah, apply for scholarships. Look on your uni website for scholarships and apply!
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Beautiful post Ashleigh X
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I know what you mean when you say you don’t remember much except a vague feeling of drowning. Still now, many years later, I can’t remember the chronology of events. It was a time that I existed in a fog of grief and confusion. The only thing that stands out clearly from that day was the words of the protesters out the front of the clinic. I will never forget what they said to me.
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Just out of curiosity, what did they say?
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Look, I will write it down but if you’ve had an abortion you might want to stop reading right here. They said, why are you killing me mummy? Please don’t kill me mummy? Then they pushed their pram in front of me with the baby doll inside. The police said there was nothing they could do.
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OMG, that’s awful!
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I like to think there’s a special place in Hell for these bastards
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That is horrifying.
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I didn’t get that – I just had heaps of graphic pictures of foetus’s (all over 6 months old mind you) shoved in my face and had abuse screamed at me – that I was a murderering bitch, there was a special place in hell for people like me, that I would never be forgiven, that they hoped I’d die with my “baby”……
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Yeah. They are anti abortion but they hope you die. Hypocritical much?
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I went and accompanied my friend to a clinic and we had similar things yelled at us. My friend, who was already devastated started crying. I got so angry I started yelling right back at them, i remember yelling “You have no f*&#ing right to judge my friend, blah blah blah…” I got into a screaming match with a woman holding some sign, eventually calling her a f*&#ing bitch.
I’m not proud of what I said, as i feel it was stooping to their level. But i was just so angry at them and felt so sorry for my friend, it just came out.
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That’s awful. What horrible people – I’m so sorry
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Let’s kick Christophers ass. What a jerk
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I was hoping the parents did just that!
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Can I just say – Christopher* – What a fucking dickhead.
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AGREED!
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Thanks for sharing your story Ashleigh. I too had an abortion and I will forever be grateful to the consellor in the clinic who gave me this advice – it was the right decision on this day at this point in your life, never forget this.
And for me it was the right decision. I was 20 years old in a relationship of less than 12 months. We were passionate about each other and in love but we had a very volatile and at times abusive relationship. We didn’t have any money and lived hand to mouth. I didn’t want to bring a child into the world in that circumstance. I often think about about about what would have been and remember at August each year (12 years now) with some sorrow. But I also remind myself what the counsellor said and I know that I made the right decision on that day at that point in my life.
For others that have suggested following through with the pregnancy and giving up the baby for adoption. I am truely sorry for people who are unable to have children. I have several friends going through IVF at the moment. But as others have suggested it’s not my job or my duty to provide children for other people.
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fully agree!!!
40 years ago i had an abortion and really I don’t regret it one bit. My life would have been totally different that it is now.
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That was terrific advice you were given!
“It was the right decision on this day at this point in your life, never forget this.”
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NflrI am currently 10 weeks pregnant, I have been in my current relaitionship for 4 months. To put it bluntly we fucked up, we were in the honeymoon stage and For some stupid dRunk we reason figured it be okay. We were like a couple of teenagers when we found out and discussed abortion. I decided I couldn’t. He has since proposed and told me we will figure it out. I have no idea if we are making the right choice or if we gonna stuff both our lives up. I don’t want this baby, but what else can I do
I already have gdaughter who is , as does he to our ex spouses.
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My husband and i fell pregnant when we had been together for 3 months. He was adamant that we keep the baby. I decided to go through with the pregnancy. But I had serious doubts the whole way through. I was 24 and pregnant to a much older man who I didnt really know. Long and shor is that we kept the baby and are now married with another one and trying for number 3. I cant imagine my life with out my family, but some days weeks, I really wish that i had a chance to get to know my husband better before we had kids
Totally get where you are coming from. All the best
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Oh stuck and sad, I’m chuckling at your story. I think it’s one of those ‘slap me, I’m hysterical’ laughs because I’ve imagined myself in that scenario and it’s one of the reasons I haven’t dated in eight years! I had to face teens and announce a pregnancy, that was hard enough but the thought of telling adult children … well …
My surprise baby is 20 years younger than my eldest – same dad but he shot through when she was 2 – so I know exactly what you mean when you say you don’t want this baby but can’t terminate. I really do. I was frantic. I was quite detached from the pregnancy and baby until I really looked at her when she was three days old. She was absolutely perfect and she needed me and I LOVED her in exactly the same way as I love my other children. And, because I knew how quickly they grow up and that the next 20 years would be gone before I knew it, I immersed myself in the magic of her first years. She was and is the most precious gift and I’m a much better and wiser parent to her than I was as a younger mother.
Having said that, well, that first year of school, as my second youngest was doing the HSC, I wanted to collapse and scream. I didn’t want to do it all again. In all honesty, it wasn’t until she turned 10 that I made peace with it and accepted my new reality.
I hope you’re OK. I’m sending you a huge cyber hug and my wishes that this baby will bring magic and love for you and your family.
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Stuck and Sad, it must be so hard; it’s such a huge decision. Our situations aren’t the same but I was 24 and had just married my husband. During our (actual) honeymoon there was a lot of drinking and not a lot of thinking! Needless to say I missed my next period, and even though we were married, I was devastated! We were so young, I had just started my professional career, and we were enjoying being carefree and unburdened! I agonised over it but with some convincing from my husband that we’d manage, we went through with the pregnancy. During those 9 months I went from seriously considering abortion, to falling in love with my little peanut. By the time he was born I never looked back. Now I have the most delightful 6 year old, and the memory of those misgivings seems so distant and surreal! But I have been where you are (to an extent), and can tell you that for us, I am SO thankful he talked me out of it
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I had an abortion about 15 years ago. New boyfriend, got pregnant, he didn’t want it, I didn’t want to bring a baby into my parents home and with a father who didn’t want it. The decision bothered me for years, until I finally got married and had children of my own and realized how bloody hard it is and I was then thankful that I didn’t bring a child into a life of rejection and god knows what else.
I also spent several years working with young offenders and their families and saw such damaged and dysfunctional families with children paying the price for their parents mistakes and I just felt that maybe “life” isn’t always best when that child faces extremes of abuse and neglect at the hands of parents.
And there is such a multitude of factors affecting any woman’s choice to abort or not and it is easy for some people to say “Have your baby!” But where will those people be when you need help raising that child for the next 18+years?
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Thanks so much for sharing your story. I had a very similar experience about 6 years ago when I fell pregnant to my partner then and he didn’t want any part of it. I was brand new to the country, 24 and petrified. I had to terminate the pregnancy as I wasn’t at all prepared to bring a child into this world, least to say a new country with no family to lean on for support.
I’m 14 weeks pregnant today to the most wonderful man on earth, we’re now happily married for 2.5 years and I can’t ask for more. Life teaches us lessons in ways that we can’t sometimes begin to imagine, but that’s not to say that life wouldn’t bring us good things as well. We just need to keep the faith, keep happy and positive.
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Thank you for sharing your story. It’s a brave thing to do. Just thought I should mention though that it is called a termination. An abortion happens naturally.
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Seriously unnecessary!
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FFS – go google the definition before you start spouting off and you’ll see that it is “the removal or expulsion from the uterus of a fetus or embryo prior to viability” – it includes spontaneous AND induced
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It was brave of you to share your story. I believe that most women don’t make that decision lightly. It’s great that you seem to have reached a point of acceptance for what happened and you can move on with your life.
For those preaching adoption, you have no idea how complicated it is for the birth mother and the adopted child. And that’s if it would be easy to adopt, which it isn’t.
It’s not the author’s fault that other women find it difficult to conceive and certainly not her job to produce children for other people. She made the right decision for her and people should respect that.
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JESUS who said it was anyone’s fault??? Seriously stop using that word and putting it into people’s mouths when it was never said in the first bloody place.
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Eeek! Angsty.
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Wow, Thank you for sharing. As I sit here and read your story, I am feeling my son roll around in my tummy, getting himself ready to be born in the next couple of weeks. I am so sad that you didnt feel you were in a position to experience this and I hope, that one day you will feel the joy that is bringing a baby into the world. All the best xx
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I respect everyone’s right to choose. I know it is a very tough choice, but I wish more women would have the babies and give them up for adoption. There are so many people childless and desperately wanting to be a parent.
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AJP, as i said further down, adpotion is not an easy route for anyone.
For the biological mother there is 9 months of pregnancy, and the uncertainty of where her child will end up.
For the child there is often issues with reconciling their feelings about their adoption, about their adoptive parents, and about their biological parents’ decision.
For the adoptive parents, adoption takes years of beaurocracy, a lot of cost, a lot of means testing, a lot of analysis and scruiny over their relationship status etc.
Only 12% of adoptions in Australia in 2010 were domestic, while over 60% in the same year were international.
The beaurocracy (among other factors) makes people choose international adoption over domestic ones. Adding another child to that mix isnt going to be ideal unless the australian procedures are made more user friendly.
If i were to become pregnant and *need* to not be a parent, I would terminate rather than adopt because I wouldnt want to risk being responsible for adding another ward of the state to the mix, all the uncertainty that comes with it, and all the effects of 9 months of pregnancy.
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I’m confused…
If 12% are domestic, and 60% are international.. what are the other 28%..?
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Jess there are 3 types of people in this world – those who are good at maths, and those who aren’t……
(lol -just for the record, I’m rubbish at maths!)
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From what i could understand in the stats, the others were in ‘known child adoptions’ (people who have a pre-existing reationship with the child). I cant find what i was looking at earlier, but there are plenty of stats from Adoptions Australia for various years.
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Giving your child up for adoption is so much harder than terminating. You have to have the child for 60 days in total before they go to their new parents – it would be so much easier if it were just a handover at birth. That’s what turned me against it (I ended up keeping my little boy and have never regretted it).
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Okay, I totally understand that perspective, but what about the situation where you already have a child who is old enough to understand that you are pregnant which will result in a baby (that you don’t want or can’t support for whatever reason), and you have made the decision to give that child up for adoption? How would you explain it to the older child?
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In this context, I think donor eggs would be a more realistic & humane option to advocate for…
Having carried two pregnancies to term, I can’t imagine the psychological trauma of carrying a baby for ten months knowing you would be handing them over to someone immediately after delivery.
Studies show most women primarily feel relieved after a termination… wonder if it’s the same for women who give their babies up for adoption?
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13 and a half years ago, I had a termination right at the cut-off point of 11 and a half weeks. I was 19 and had been out with some friends from school I hadn’t seen for a couple of years, one of the guys bought me drink after drink after drink after which……I don’t remember. My cycle was pretty erratic at that stage, so I didn’t even realise until I was about 7 weeks along. It took a week to get into a local clinic, then another 2 weeks of counselling to try and decide what to do. Another week to get a referral to the women’s centre in another town….it was horrible. Especially when they did an ultrasound right before I went in
I was so young and alone, suffering severe depression – there was no other option for me, but I still grieve for that baby even to this day. It took me a very very long time to forgive myself and move on, but I still believe it was the right thing for me to do at the time.
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what a brave girl
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Thank you for sharing your story, Ashleigh. It is such a heartbreaking topic, for the mother as well as the baby who has been aborted.
There are over 80,000 surgical abortions in Australia each year, which is approx 250 babies aborted each day. The statistics are alarming and it makes me wonder if women are rushed to make a decision to terminate their unborn baby.
I believe God created life and every unborn baby has the right to life. The baby is not just a group of cells, it is human with a beating heart and a soul, the baby is innocent and defenceless. This is why I believe abortion is wrong, it is against God’s laws and as a society I worry that we have become numb to the killing of innocent unborn babies. Abortion can discard an entire generation.
I know that my opinion won’t be popular with some, but I felt I had to speak my mind and offer another view.
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Wow. Insensitive. Ashleigh was brave to share and you’ve just used it as an opportunity to bring religion into it. Typical.
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Where did you get your 80,000 figure from? There is no way of calculating it according to any medical records I know of. Any figures collected will include the many women who have to have surgery after a miscarriage (after all, your god seems to be pretty callous about the lives of unborn babies too – he allows almost a quarter of them to be miscarried)
The best way to reduce abortions is to reduce unwanted pregnancies – affordable, accessible contraception, sex education and good healthcare for everyone. Are you promoting that, anon?
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Amy, anon merely presented a different view point on the issue of abortion. She did this respectfully and recognized Asheligh was brave coming forward with this story.
Just because her viewpoint is influenced by religion doesn’t make it incensitive. A religious viewpoint isn’t any less credible or valid than yours.
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No one is ‘numb’ to it. It is the toughest decision a woman has to make and then carry with her her whole life. I still grieve for the pregnancy I terminated but I couldnt have been the kind of mother I am now to that baby. Safe abortion must be available to women, religion has no place in that.
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Even as a Catholic (because our leaders do have some backward views, that I dont agree with), I find your blaming God for your bigotry is deplorable.
Every woman who goes through an abortion goes through it because it is the best option for them. Not because its fun, or because its easy – its neither. its heartbreaking.
Its a decision that people dont take lightly and just because you wouldnt do it doesnt mean its ‘wrong’. The only person WRONG here is the person who sits on their high horse and attributes guilt to someone elses decison.
During the term of legal abortions, by the way, the ‘baby’ IS a bunch of cells and is not legally a human being at that point in time.
Personally, I wouldnt abort either. At least I dont *think* I would. But I do not – and never will – judge anyone who had been though it.
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For myself I don’t believe in God and I do believe a foetus is just a bunch of cells, a potential baby, not an actual baby.
That’s why I had no trouble having an abortion. Not every person is religious, not every person believes in “God’s laws”.
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Where do you get those numbers from? Medicare codes for a D&C following a miscarriage are the same as those for an abortion. Don’t for a minute think that many people “choose” to have an abortion daily. RUDE!
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‘The baby is not just a group of cells’
That is incorrect. That child WAS just a group of cells. And if we want to be more specific, a group of atoms.
Secondly, may I remind you that you’re a group of cells/atoms also.
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“It is against God’s laws” – where, exactly, in the bible does it say that abortion is a sin, or is forbidden, or is murder, or against any law? Not passages that speak of birth, conception, accidental miscarriage, pregnancy, the formation and creation of life or descriptions of what constitutes murder, from which the Church has interpreted abortion to be wrong – quote me an actual passage that says it is wrong for a woman to terminate a pregnancy? Not a translation of multiple loosely related passages, most of which there are contradictions to somewhere in the book anyway, provide an actual reference or passage?
According to Numbers, the entire passage in and of itself, it’s okay for a husband to terminate a wife’s pregnancy if she’s slept with another man. How is that not abortion? Why is there no specification in there that these are the ONLY circumstances under which this can be done?
I’m sorry if I have come across as aggressive, but I have absolutely had enough of people using “because the Bible said so” as a way of supporting their judgement of others, when evidently they haven’t actually read it for themselves, but are just rattling off things they have been told.
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The bible says you should stone your neighbor if he works on the Sabbath! Until we start doing that, we can’t keep using the bible as reasons not to do something. It’s as ridiculous as the argument “just because”
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You just ruined your point by introducing religion. And as for “God’s Law”. There is no such thing. There is the separation of church and state and the state says abortions are legal.
As for it being a human – in my view, something isn’t human unless it could survive once born (even for mere hours). And at 11.5 weeks, no fetus would survive, even with all the medical intervention in the world.
I appreciate you disagreeing but I don’t feel you’ve done it in a tactful way and “speaking your mind” may hurt others.(maybe read another story that is on here today about free speech?)
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i personally don’t think i’d ever have a termination but as we have free will it’s my choice… God fearing or not!
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I firmly believe in the right to choose abortion,as long as the pregnant woman is sure that this is the right decision for her.
I cannot stand religious crazies trying to bring ‘God’s wishes’ into the debate.I really wonder what your God would say about all the rather strange ways man can ‘make’ babies these days,forcing through pregnancies that would not go to term naturally,implanting embryos into bodies that naturally could not have conceived…
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I can never fathom how people can form an opinion on a topic as personal and sensitive as abortion, based on “God’s will” or “God’s laws.”
What about human needs? (Particularly the mother’s.)
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Looking at my paperwork after a D&C when I was miscarrying a longed for baby saw the procedure being called an abortion. I think that figure you quoted would include a lot of these
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After making the decision going through with it, and almost coming to terms with it ( two years later), I was contacted by the health department. It seems the guy who gave me my anesthetic, was a drug user, and was using before injecting his patients with the same needle! He had given numerous women hep c! I was advised to be tested and checked. Thankfully I came back neg, and this guy is being prosecuted. It brought back all these feelings I obviously needed to talk about. I am at peace with my decision to abort, as financially, and as a couple ( we are now married) weren’t ready for a child. Being reminded of it two years later was just horrible. Off track a little…but my story, one I have never publicly spoken of.
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that is absolutely disgraceful!!!!! you poor thing- how stressful. xx
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Please see a counsellor. That is a whole lot to deal with, especially to have it all come back two years later! Even though you seem to be dealing with it well – our minds are like any other part of our bodies and need to be looked after. My thoughts are with you on this one
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Thank you for this story. For me it’s timely and something I have considered writing about. I’ve always been pro-choice, but two months ago mum revealed something she’d waited more than 20 years to tell me. Following her split from my father, moving to a new country and falling in love with a new man, she fell pregnant. The relationship was still new and with two young children already and no absolute assurances, she chose to abort. Aged 40 but still very fertile and full of hope, she told the Obstetrician she’d “be back next year to have a baby”. Although the relationship continued on and off for several years, my mum never received the absolute assurance and security from her partner to have a child with him. Growing up I always said I wanted a younger sibling and we’d talk about my imaginary brother (I have an older sister) and what he’d be like. Only now do I realise the hidden feelings my mum must have felt during those numerous discussions. She doesn’t regret the decision, having raised two kids largely alone and facing the associated hardships, but I know she wishes things could have turned out differently. As a result and knowing me as she does, my mother has told me that if I fall pregant with my boyfriend unplanned I should keep it. The experience has left me feeling a bit at odds with my ‘pro choice’ stance. I watched a documentary about abortion accidentally the other day and it left me in floods of tears. It was extremely graphic and there was no denying the foetuses had toes, fingers, eyes, faces and were babies. My ‘lumps of tissue’ perception ha gone completely out the window. I hope this doesn’t upset anyone. I still believe that anyone who doesn’t feel in a position to raise a child should have the right to make the decision to abort. We all know there are enough struggling children in the world. The best advice my mum gave me is to avoid having to make that decision. And so far, so good.
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Thank you for sharing your story Ashleigh. It’s good for me to think about what I would do if my 18 yr old daughter ever found herself in this heartbreaking situation. I wish you all the best for your future
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As someone who was faced with this decision at 18 years old, I would say that if your daughter were to find herself in this situation the best thing you could do is support her no matter what she decides and simply be there for her.
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Thanks Anon.
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Good on you Ashleigh for having the courage to share your story. There are still so many myths about ‘the kind of woman’ who has an abortion, and the reasons why. The truth is that all kinds of women have abortions for all kinds of reasons. I agree with others who have commented that the only way to break down the taboo around abortion is to give voice to real, lived experiences of it.
On a separate note, I’m glad you have made peace with your decision and I wish you well as you continue to move forward with your life.
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I’m sorry, I just can’t applaud you for terminating your child’s life. My best friend, fiancee & father of my baby could have been aborted – his Mum was 20, extremely poor & dumped by the baby’s father – but I am forever grateful that she went through with the pregnancy.
There are plenty of kids who grow up with single parents, poor parents & young parents. To use these as ‘excuses’, implying that the baby won’t have a good enough life because of these ‘shortfalls’, is ridiculous.
I can guarantee, 99.9 % of the children who ‘could have but luckily weren’t’ aborted are happy to be alive, even if they had limited means during their childhood.
We need more stories about empowered single mums, Mums raising children in difficult circumstances etc. Not stories promoting abortion on a website aimed at Mothers!
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To describe Ashleigh’s story as “promoting abortion” is an assertion that I find despicable.
Furthermore, Ashleigh didn’t ask for your applause – and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve your condemnation either.
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How very judgemental of you, I can’t find anywhere in this story where she expects applause. Ashleigh is merely telling her story. A very hard heartbreaking story. Shame on you Cathy. You don’t have to agree but you certainly don’t have to add to the guilt that she probably already feels.
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Hey Cathy, I don’t think Ashleigh is asking for applause or promoting abortion at all. She’s just sharing her story about what happened to her and abortion was the outcome. I’m sure there isn’t a day that Ashleigh doesn’t wonder “what could have been” and I think if she had gone ahead and had the baby maybe it would have worked out – but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe she would have been swamped with debt, spiralled into a depression and had the child taken away. Who knows? Ashleigh knows what she is and isn’t capable of and what’s realistic and I will support women in making that choice for themselves.
This website isn’t aimed at mothers, it’s aimed at women, and I will fiercely fight for a woman’s right to choose what to do with her body and her life. Just because you would have made a different decision (more power to you!) doesn’t make Ashleigh’s decision the wrong one.
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I’m sorry but I find this comment ridiculous. Ashleigh didn’t share her story to ‘promote’ abortion nor did she write it to be applauded, she is sharing one of the most personal and difficult decisions of her life which you have no right to judge.
To me, this site is aimed at women from all walks of life. Just because someone makes a decision that you wouldn’t have doesn’t mean it should be excluded. If you are after a website ‘aimed at mothers’ I suggest you go to a parenting site.
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Watch out Cathy! The rabid pro-life brigade will be out after you with their pitchforks for daring to have this opinion.
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Anon for this- Firstly I think you mean ‘pro-choice brigade’ as Cathy appears to be ‘pro-life’. Secondly, it’s not a matter of being inclined one way or the other. I think the majority of people responding to Cathy’s comments take exception to her judgement of Ashleigh’s decision. With different points of view should be respect and in my opinion, that was lacking in Cathy’s response.
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I think Anon for this is a little bit confused…
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Cathy, until you’re prepared to adopt every single unwanted baby, then you have no right to judge women who chose to abort.
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Pretty sure everyone judges murderers, and some of us consider this murder. Just sayin’.
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That’s a disgusting thing to say
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The difference here is that if I knew I could do something to stop a murder, I would. I don’t consider abortion murder (it isn’t considered a baby until it’s born so it has no legal standing) but I can see that some people do. Have you chosen to adopt INSTEAD of having your own biological children? If at least half of people in the the “pro life” camp adopted just 1 child, it’s possible it would open up the door to more local adoption and many of these babies wouldn’t be terminated.
However people who are pro life do nothing but criticize a strangers choice. They don’t try and actually help to create a solution. They expect a woman should just have a child that she doesn’t want (which NEVER works out good for the child, I assure you!) and think ignorantly that “It will be okay. Once the baby has arrived, the mother will just adore the child.” It doesn’t happen like that.
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That is a poor comment. There are many many many wOmen who would be happy to adopt the babies if that were the path mothers chose to follow. Especially ‘baby’ babies. There are many many many people on waiting lists & fighting for the right to adopt children. It’s not as easy for the rest of is as it is for Anjelina or MadOnna.
At the same time I think it is a woman’s choice and each path is difficult for it’s own reasons
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I don’t understand how it is a poor comment. I’m tired of people judging strangers and their decisions. It is none of anyone’s business except the woman’s and sometimes her partner. No one else should have any say. It an extremely difficult decision and one that is almost never made lightly. The women who have to g through this do not need to have people judging them, whether it’s on a website, people holding up placards outside an adoration clinic or anything else.
Until you have been in that position, you don’t know what you would do in that situation. For me personally Iam 100% pro choice, however I don’t think I could terminate a pregnancy myself. However I don’t have the right to tell other women she shouldn’t have a termination, I have absolutely NO right to judge another women’s decision and I don’t know what I would actually do if a pregnancy test came back positive because I do not want children ever.
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how dare you Cathy? don’t you know, Ashleigh will be reading these comments? she has been nothing but brave and honest in her post, hoping to give a voice to other women who have been through such a ordeal. and you say she wants applause? that she is promoting abortion? MM is not a site for mothers, it is site for women. you cant “guarantee” anything and this has nothing to do with your fiance. the entire premise of your comment is wrong.
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I can guarantee you are incorrect there, Cathy. My mother fell pregnant with me when she was 17. Because she was young and ignorant, she did not realise she was pregnant until it was too late. She took some delight in telling me that a hideous product available over the counter in NZ at that time, called Mortons Egg Preserver (an over the counter “cure” for irregular periods) did not work, neither did gin and hot baths.
It is not a matter of “limited means during childhood”, it is a matter of resentment and lack of love that the unwanted child feels and knows for all their life. I have not had to chose the hard road of terminating a pregnancy, I consider this is a matter of luck. No one wants to have an abortion, it s brave and challenging decision some women have to make.
I applaud Ashleigh for her bravery, in telling her story.
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This is a story about an empowered woman doing what was right for her, at that time of her life.
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Are you really opposing abortion because your “best friend, fiancee & father of your baby could have been aborted”? If so, that’s THE most ridiculous reason I’ve ever heard. Had his 20 year old mother decided to abort, you would never have been any the wise and you wouldn’t have missed anything (because you can’t miss something that never could have happened).
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I am a married woman of 38 with 2 kids already when I found out i had accidently fallen pregnant with baby no 3, it wasn’t planned we weren’t in a financial position and we decided to terminate, at the time we decided it was the best decision but its a choice I now live with and still think about everyday was it the right thing. No one but my husband and I know which is hard not being able to talk to anyone about.
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Have you read How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran? She tells a story of her very similar experience – I know it is only a small thing but maybe will help you feel a little less alone.
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I too had an abortion 12 years ago…I had just finished uni and my boyfriend (who is now my husband) and I were overseas having a last celebratory holiday after graduation when I realised I was ‘late’. I did a wee-stick test and found out in a dingy toilet in the back of a Canadian cafe. I was devastated and shocked and everything in between, and so was he. We flew home a few days later and decided abortion was the best for us at that time given our situation. No money, no assets, and 2 newly graduated careers to build. It was the strangest day…I didn’t feel happy/sad/angry/confused…it was a mix of everything. It was over so fast and we went on to live our lives. We have been together for nearly 18 years and I am now expecting child number 4. It may sound selfish, but I do not look back at all and wonder ‘what if’ we kept the baby, or get all sentimental about what it would have been given I have a healthy boy and 2 healthy girls now. It was a choice we were faced with and made the best decision for us at the time. We do not think we could have provided for a child back then like we are now, and I don’t regret my choice at all. But I can empathize with other ladies in that it’s one of the hardest decisions to make, and strange enough not another soul on this earth knows that we had an abortion; it’s something between myself and my husband.
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This sounds almost identical to my experience, falling pregnant to my now husband whilst overseas 15 years ago, ended up having an abortion in London and did not tell a soul. It wasn’t until the birth of my 3rd baby in 2009 that I grieved for the baby I decided I wasn’t capable of having all those years ago. I still struggle with our decision every day, and it has caused major issues within our relationship. We both now admit we would do things differently given the chance, but as that will never happen it is now a journey of self forgiveness that is by no means over, and for me may never be. I am by no means anti-abortion, but for me it has been a decision that is going to affect me forever.
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Your story sounds similar to mine, I had one 6 or 7 years ago. My then boyfriend is now my husband and we now have a family together. We were only together a few months when it happened and we weren’t in a position to be parents. Plus I had other health issues going on that needed to be sorted out before going through a pregnancy
But it did make our relationship stronger and I don’t have any regrets about it all.
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You poor girl – how frightened, worried and disheartened you must have been. So pleased you had your parents for support.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story.
xx
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The most important thing here is the fact that you have made peace with yourself. No other opinion matters.
I wish you well and nothing but the best.
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I couldn’t agree more. Well said. xo
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I had mine 4 years ago. It was an accidental pregnancy and neither of us would have coped. We have broken up now, so it was never meant to be anyway. It was heartbreaking, especially when he refused to acknowledge it after it was done ie: “It’s gone now, it wasn’t a baby anyway”
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I got pregnant at 20 to my 21 yr old boyfriend. He gave me the money for the abortion and said he’d pick me up at the clinic afterwards. At the clinic I chickened out and couldn’t go through with the procedure. Probably a good thing, as he never came to pick me up and broke up with me that day.
When I was seven months pregnant he left the country and has remained overseas ever since. I also have had to fight for every cent of child support and to date he has paid $120. In total. And only sporadic contact with his son.
My son is now nearly 15. I married when he was 3 and have provided him with a stable and happy life.
It’s never easy. I don’t judge other women because I don’t know their circumstances. Was it fair of me to bring a child into the world who was unwanted by his father? I still don’t know. I just had to do what I could live with myself.
There are no right choices in this type of situation.
All the best to you.
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But why are you fighting him for child support? I agree, he sounds like a dickhead and I’m glad you’re not with him anymore… But you had both made the decision to abort and you alone made the decision to keep the baby, so why should he have to pay?
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Because when he (and she) made the decision to have unprotected sex, and from that, a life was made. A child is both parties responsibility. Not matter what. If you can’t deal with the realistic repercussions….then wrap it up!
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So you are arguing that his decision point as to whether he should be on hook for child support was when the sexual act occurred and he doesn’t get another chance? You do realise this is exactly what the pro life movement argues don’t you?
I’ve always thought it a bit unfair that the woman gets to choose to abort or to keep with the consequence that the guy is on the hook for the next 18 years. Surely as feminists we should favour equality? Obviously no one can or should force a woman to keep a pregnancy she doesn’t want but I’ve always though the ‘paper abortion’ model has some merit. In this case the guy says he wants nothing to do with the child ever and he’s off the hook and there would be severe penalties for breaching it.
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Guest, my ex said ultimately it was my decision to keep the baby so he would not pay anything. After the fury and outrage faded (especially from my dad and brother!) I am thankful for his total break – I make the decisions about my child, no-one else. Plus, it’s nearly impossible to recover funds from a guy who is non-Aus and living o/s. but that’s JMO.
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Dear Anonymous. I am ‘fighting’ him for child support because HIS SON deserves it. Child support helps with the cost of raising children. If our child h as a LEGAL right to help from his father, then he should receive it.
Also, although my boyfriend was only 21 at the time of the pregnancy, he was an adult. Old enough to drink, vote, drive, have relationships, have sex and…take responsibility for his actions. As I have. As I am teaching my son to do. That’s why!
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Whoa, wait up! So a man has NO RIGHT when it comes to a women’s body and her choice to keep the baby, but if she chooses to have the child – he doesn’t have to pay shit???? Wtf? Are you on drugs?
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Anon, (((hugs))))
And thank you, THANK YOU, Ashleigh for your heartbreaking story. I’ve seen two close friends go through 1 abortions each and remember thinking I’d probably do the same in their position. Fast forward to me at 31, coming out of an 8yr relationship (3months married) and in another country. Long story short – I came home, found out I was pregnant, told him I wanted to come back, he told me to ‘get it fixed.’ From a guy I’d planned to spend the rest of my life with. Yes, I made an appointment but couldn’t go through with it. My counselor helped me work out the only thing negative was the lack of money – I had friends and family support. He pulled the ‘if you love me you wouldn’t do this’. I told him he couldn’t tell me what to do with my body. My son is now 11, so talented and clever and I love him with all my heart. The father didn’t want to know/see/hear about him and I pity the man every day.
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Stunning post Ashleigh. And so brave. Thank you for sharing. xxx
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On the 18th of this month it will be 12 years since I didn’t have an abortion. With three teenage children and a marriage on the rocks I was devastated to find myself pregnant. I was berated and bullied by my husband and in-laws and told that I was selfish for not terminating. I did NOT want another baby but I knew that I couldn’t terminate. I also knew it would be the end of my marriage. I’ve raised this baby and the others alone (with no financial or physical support from their father) for 9 years and it’s been difficult. That’s life, but there are worse things that can happen than the gift of a baby. Especially one a delightful and loved as the one I didn’t want.
But I was in my 40′s with the knowledge and wisdom that comes with age. It’s not so easy to see the big picture when you are young.
I find it hard to believe that he sat in front of your parents and said what he did. How did your parents keep their hands off a 40-something year old man who had been playing with their 22 year old daughter and then says he won’t support the baby?
Personally, if it were my daughter and I could see how connected she already was to her baby, I would have advised against the abortion and supported them until they were on their feet. But that’s just me. Twenty two is hardly 14. I had my first daughter at 22 and I managed to raise a healthy, stable, caring, happy, dedicated healthcare professional who runs a department and is marrying next year. Hardly a disastrous outcome for mother and child.
Proof reading what I’ve written, it sounds a bit abrupt but I promise I’m not judging you or your folks at all. I think it’s an important topic to discuss, especially among young women and I applaud your honesty in starting the conversation.
Because of the emotional turmoil that surrounds the event, abortion is an issue that women should think about deeply, *long* before you find yourself faced with an immediate and irreversible decision.
I wish you well Ashleigh and thanks for sharing.
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It was a really horrible situation for everyone involved, especially my family. As you might have guessed they weren’t at all happy with Christopher but I was their priority. My parents let me know every step of the way that I had options and they were behind me no matter which choice I made. As you say, 22 isn’t 14 and it was my decision and mine alone to make. My choice wasn’t something I came to lightly and I still second guess myself and probably always will.
I take my hat off to you for making such a brave decision and I wish you and your family well.
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And I take my hat off to you too. I’m very, very glad that you had the support of your family. I think it’s another important point – that any young woman who is blessed with a reasonable family should never be frightened to go to them for guidance, Never let fear get in the way of telling them that you are trouble – now there’s a term I haven’t heard for a while, ‘in trouble!!’
When I was 18 my boyfriend (now ex husband) dropped me at an abortion clinic. I was inconsolable. It turned out that the pregnancy test was wrong and I wasn’t pregnant. I was so terrified of my parents reaction to a teen pregnancy that I would have terminated rather than tell them.
I now know that the majority of parents will step up for you when you need them and nobody loves you like your Mum and Dad.
I’ve stared termination in the face twice, at both ends of my reproductive life and it’s something that many women will confront at some time. Rousing applause for sharing your story.
‘Christopher’ is a massive tosser with more hang ups than a bat cave and you’re well rid of him.
All the best xx
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I just want to say thank you to the writer and to MM for publishing the article. We’ll never break down stereotypes and taboo if people don’t share their story. Very beautiful and courageous writing xxx
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So brave for sharing your story.
Can I ask, did you consider adoption at all? With so many childless couples desperate for a child, it saddens me how few choose adoption over termination.
No judgement, more curiosity and a need to understand why so few choose adoption.
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There’s a lot of evidence that women who give babies up for adoption find it much, much more traumatic than having an abortion.
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Probably because choosing adoption involves 9 months of pregnancy and then birth, which isn’t the safest nor the most comfortable experience, from what I hear.
I would not personally choose to go down the adoption route. When it’s my body on the line, I don’t think I’d give a lot of thought to childless couples. Sorry, but that’s the way it is.
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I’ll be honest, at the time I didn’t really consider it. My counsellor had requested that I see him at least twice a week because I was such a wreck. I wish I had been able to though, now more then ever.
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I didn’t ask out of judgement Ashleigh, it was genuine curiosity. Of course you have to do what’s right for YOU and of course it’s not your job to give people babies – I NEVER suggested that or ever would.
I was asking because adoption in Australia is so minimal so was rather trying to get a persons point of view from your position.
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I had thought the same, with absolutely no judgement.
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I know you weren’t being judgemental
It was an interesting question and one I had to think about. At the time I just wouldn’t have been able to though.
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Anon, I know you werent trying to be judgmental, but the topic often rubs people the wrong way.
Out of interest, the 2010 adoption statistic showed that only 12% of all adoptions in australia were domestic.
That number is so tiny not due to lack of children (there are tens of thousands of Wards of the State in Australia but I cant find an exact number for that year), or lack of willing parents. The number of domestic/local adoptons is tiny because its expensive, prohibitive, exclusive in nature, and a very long process.
Any adopted out child may spend quite some time as a Ward of the State, or in an open adoption arrangement until the required arrangements can be made. Realistically for a lot of women, that is not where they want to send a child if they have any other choice.
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Can you imagine being a young, single girl who is trying to hold down a job and get on with life after a break up, all the while coping with growing a baby that you’re going to hand over to the great unknown after 9 months of carrying it inside you? Can you imagine how crappy it would be explaining to people that yes, you’re pregnant but after the pregnancy ends, you’ll be left with the war scars and will hand your baby over to an unknown couple?
Abortion sounds like a much less traumatic option to me. I don’t trust anyone else to drive my car… I can’t imagine entrusting someone I’ve never met with raising my child!
Comments like this really annoy me, and I’m sure you asked out of curiosity, however why on earth should anyone expect a young, single woman to be thinking about childless couples in the one time of her life when she’s extremely vulnerable and should be thinking about herself and herself only.
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I am adopted and never thought I could have a termination, but when I found myself pregnant in very bad circumstances I decided that termination was my best route. Yes best for ME. I miscarried the next day.
I am now 8 months pregnant with my very wanted and loved child and OMG I do not know how women get the strength to do this and then not have a baby to take home.
Pregnancy for me has not been easy – morning sickness badly for 20 weeks and then nausea continuing alll the way. Then at 30 weeks my pelvis decided it wouldn’t hold thing anymore so I have crutches and support belts and spend a lot of time crying in pain. Getting me through all this is knowing I will have my beautiful baby-
I cannot imagine all this, time, effort, money, add to it judgement from family and friends and co-workers about wether you should put a baby up for adoption.. imagine all that and you have to somehow not become attached to what’s moving your belly about and making your boobs leak, and you’re meant to hand it to someone else to take and love.
Would take a much much stronger woman than me to be able to do that. I have such awe of my own mother being able to do it. But wow I see why so many don’t choose the option.
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I second this. I found my pregnancies traumatic. Grinding relentless nausea for 9 months, excruciating sciatica and back pain, carpel tunnel syndrome, insomnia, gestational diabetes. I could barely concentrate on a thing apart from the nausea and feel quite lucky I managed to keep my job. At least at the end I got to have my two beautiful girls. Hats off to those who feel they can go the adoption route, if I didn’t get a baby at the end, I really just don’t think I could do it.
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Me three! All of that – plus random dry wretching anywhere, any time
Was a horror story for the last 30 weeks >8-0
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Even if you know the decision is for the best, it is still very difficult and takes a long time to come to terms with. You are brave for talking about it. Thank you.
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That is absolutely my worst nightmare. My own father told my mother it was up to her whether she had me or not, but that he would not be a part of raising me in any way.
I am hopeful to have children one day but I am so scared that I will have to do it like my mum raised me; alone.
For a man to tell you he wants to have a baby together, then completely retract his involvement once you’re pregnant, well that would make me want to go postal on his arse. I am so angry at this “Christopher” guy. Furious. Seething!!
Thank goodness I know so many great men who are wonderful fathers – or stories like this would make me give up on them forever!
You are very brave Ashleigh, and I wish you all the best in life xx
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I am furious at him too- Really put Ashleigh in a difficult and heartbreaking position.
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I think he’s a complete pig. Honestly how he had the gall to do that in front of your parents. What a coward. No judgement here either Ashleigh. Thankyou for sharing.
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Bravo ashleigh, truly a brave heart
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