by MIA FREEDMAN
Bullies, stop it. Yes, I do believe we’re all in violent agreement on that point. Except we can’t seem to agree exactly who’s being bullied or by whom. We can’t even agree what bullying is. Anyone?
A little while ago, one of America’s most famous bloggers, Heather Armstrong of Dooce.com had a terrible experience with a new clothes dryer. Are you still reading? I promise this gets more interesting. You don’t need to know the specific details of the dryer drama because other people’s faulty appliances are about as interesting as hearing about that time their luggage was lost. Really? Tell me MORE! And THEN what did the woman from American Airlines say?
Anyhow, the important part is this: Heather Armstrong’s bad experience involved a faulty dryer, a faulty replacement, ongoing woeful service and a total disregard for her rights as a consumer. After weeks of frustration, she finally took to Twitter to name-shame the giant multinational company and vent about her experience.
Heather Armstrong
Guess what happened next. She was called a bully. Didn’t see that one coming, did you. And neither did she. Despite giving the company numerous chances to fix their repeated stuff-ups and warning them that she would mention it on Twitter (to which the customer service representative replied “so what?”), Armstrong never imagined she’d be accused of bullying a multi-billion dollar company with a few exasperated tweets.
The online world erupted into a debate about whether or not the fact Heather Armstrong had a million Twitter followers gave her an unfair advantage over the white-goods company. Was she a bully? Many decided she was and slammed her for it. Others insisted she was simply using her power as a consumer. Had she received what she’d paid for, there’d have been no need to complain. You can’t blame her for being popular, they argued.
Meanwhile the company, realising the magnitude of their stuff-up, hustled their CEO onto the phone to try and make amends. Armstrong politely refused his offer of a free dryer, insisting she was happy to pay for a working one and asking instead that he donate a new appliance to a local women’s shelter.
Bullying is not what Heather Armstrong did. Bullying is altogether something different and it’s dangerous to dilute the potency of the term by becoming the boy who cried bully. For true victims, we need this word to mean something.
When someone stands up to you or disagrees with your views, you’re not being bullied. And the people who seem most confused about this are those who haven’t caught up with the fact the Internet has changed the paradigm of power in our society.
A few years ago, a popular fashion chain was selling baby clothes with smart-arse slogans on the front like “I’m a tits man”. A Current Affair, Today Tonight and newspapers around the country went big on this story with 48 hours of outraged coverage. Did the company do anything? Not a sausage.
These were the onsies.
A week later, I received an email from a woman who’d been in one of these stores and seen a previously unreported slogan that made an appalling joke about child abuse. Along with a photo of the item, the woman attached a copy of her correspondence with the company who had dismissed her complaint in the most arrogant way.
On Mamamia, I wrote about it, pointing out what a big fan of this brand I’d always been but how, while they continued to sell baby clothes with abuse jokes on them, I could not in good faith, walk into their stores anymore.
Almost immediately, that post went viral via social media. Some people were scathing, accusing me of leading a witch hunt and demanding a boycott. I did no such thing. I simply exercised my right as a consumer to speak with my wallet and choose the retailers I support. As it turned out, thousands of other people felt the same way, contacting the company to tell them while sharing their intentions via their own networks. These same people may have also seen the earlier TV and newspaper coverage but online, your views are far more visible both to your friends and to businesses. Suddenly, business owners can see how their customers (and potential customers) feel and how they plan to behave. In real time.
And this is the game changer.
Which is why the fashion chain issued a statement six hours after that post went viral, confirming the withdrawal of the offensive items. And true to my word, I’ve shopped regularly there again ever since. No hard feelings.
But let’s be clear. This was not bullying. There was nothing abusive or even organised about the post that was published. It was simply a polite, authentic expression of how I felt and it happened that many others felt the same. And I’m not telling you this to blow smoke up my own skirt because it’s not about any individual. Many people feel strongly about many different things. But when a large group feel the same way about the same thing, social media means they can now circumvent the old fashioned written complaint channels and make their voices heard in loud numbers immediately. Ignore them at your peril.
What do you think bullying is? Do you think Heather – or me – were bullies in the examples above?
Comments
88 Comments so far
I have just filled in all the forms for master 3′s childcare and it states on the form that if you have a grievance to go through the correct procedures and channels and not to publicise it on social media. I actually think that this is responsible and I feel that if you do have an issue, then maybe proper protocol should be followed. It gives the business a right of reply and then head towards an ombudsman if you do not get the result that you feel you deserve.
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Having been at the pointy end of consumer complaints for over 4 years I completely agree with this.
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My apologies Mia. My comment did not really answer your question did it? No. Neither you, or Heather were bullying. In fact, we, the consuming public, have a right to know about problems with products, and services for that matter. There are a number of websites that consumers can go to if they want to make complaints about products and/or services and also to get advice from members of the public about certain products they have purchased. It’s called Whirlpool. They have a forum where people can post about all sorts of problems with products and services and they name names. We use it all the time. (Telstra, Vodafone, Optus & Dodo etc are mentioned consistently).There is no difference between putting someone on notice on a forum such as that or here on Mamamia. But for the sake of erring on the side of caution, you really will get pretty swift response from the ombudsman, whether it be the Financial Ombudsman if you have a gripe against a bank, or the Telecommunications Ombudsman, for gripes against the telcos. There’s an ombudsman for just about everything. Let them do the bullying for you. They are good at it and they can do it legally.
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Don’t think Mia OR Heather are bullies for what they did. Totally agree that both were merely exercising their rights as consumers! Power to you both!!!
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Seeking justice is not bullying. Seeking financial recompense for a faulty product or service is not bullying.
Standing front and centre at a witch hunt is bullying. If you are out to destroy another person by way of revenge or a feeling of moral superiority, that is bullying.
When we deliberately set out to bully, we cleanse our soul by convincing ourselves that we have right on our side. No way in the world can our intentions be anything but pure. We play with words, we change the meaning of words to suit our own purpose. We change the rules of the game and move the goalposts. We bully and we feel proud of ourselves.
In some instances, self-righteousness and bullying go hand in hand….and very comfortably, too !
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Wow. Telstra must get bullied a lot!
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Thanks for this post Mia. Very well said.
I was surprised when people/news/tv shows turned around and called Charlotte Dawson a bully. One particular show replayed footage of the Top Model episode where Charlotte was having a go, and some footage of a girl crying. All out of context of course.
I saw that episode, and that is not what happened. There were a bunch of nasty girls who relentlessly bullied another contestant. Charlotte came down hard on them and told them that it was not on. Is that bullying? Nope! In fact, Charlotte showed integrity and courage to do the right thing, and probably/hopefully made the bullies think twice about their behaviour.
So according to this warped way of thinking, standing up to someone for being racist would also make you bully. Huh?
If a kid hits another kid in the playground back after being hit themselves, does this make them a bully?
Get a grip people! If you put something nasty out there, it would be wise to expect a reaction!
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What Heather Armstrong did wasn’t bullying, what Mia did wasn’t bullying. They called out a company and the balance of power was fairly even.
However, the balance of power between a million twitter followers and the person on the Maytag social media team wasn’t. Someone has to take those calls, read those messages, and there will *always* be personal attacks in there.
Heather Armstrong knew by the tone of the tweets she sent that people would react that way to Maytag, that’s why she threatened them! That is where I think there’s some grey area.
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Exposing injustice is not bullying. I have spent nearly four years trying to express to governments the injustice that has occured to my family as a direct result of government failures and pleading that they see the errors of there ways and take responsibility. It appears that nobody wants to take responsibility in government so I plan to share the injustice that has occured and I will use social media to do this. I hope I am not seen as a bully because I am not. I just believe I have a right to share the horrors of my story. Thanks for the insights on what I may need to be prepared for..
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I agree it’s not bullying. And I agree it is important to have a clearer definition of what is actually bullying. As right now it seems to have become a buzz word to project onto others when you don’t like or agree with their opinion.
I think what happened last week as the culmination of Amanda Todd’s brief life reflects bullying in its true & profoundly damaging sense http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_of_Amanda_Todd
I do hope that the man who first started this snow ball effect in her life is prosecuted for his crimes against her humanity.
I also want to add that I was surprised & somewhat dismayed to see not just Mamamia, but other media entities I also respect like Ellen, support the position that Jennifer Livingston was ‘bullied’.
When the protagonist had quietly one on one shared his opinion, albeit it controversial in an oft times over PC world. I don’t necessarily agree with the choice he made to contact her about it.
But he did not target her privately or publicly with abusive language, or suggest she would be better off dead. Instead he queried whether she was a good role model for people given her public profile and she was over weight.
Just as we query if someone is obviously underweight, if they are a good role model for the same reason.
Both ends of the spectrum do not have what would be medically deemed a healthy diet & lifestyle.
Yet this gentlemen was the recipient of an ironic bullying backlash. Where people did to him exactly what he was being (unfairly) accused of doing.
I think Jennifer Livingston came closer to ‘bullying’ behavior than he did, because she was triggered by his words and read ‘cruelty’ into them, when they stated what she agreed was the truth. She lashed out publicly to belittle this man. That is my opinion, one that I understand may not be universally shared.
Therefore I would respectfully suggest that if people are concerned about how the word ‘bullying’ is being bandied about as a ‘buzz’ word to describe a variety of behaviors displeasing to an individual. That we all look at ourselves first and see where we may have accused someone unfairly of ‘bullying’ because their opinion or action was unpalatable for us.
With this mamamia post being an unfortunate example of supporting such band wagon behaviour in my mind http://www.mamamia.com.au/news/this-cbs-wkbt-news-anchor-responds-to-a-fat-taunt/
There was nothing ‘awesome’ in my view about Jennifer Livingston’s response. If someone had sent her a letter saying ‘you’re a fat pig, and you should be dead’ – (it feels revolting to even type them as a fictious example – ugh!) then I would have been rallying to her defense along with everyone else.
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Sounds like ‘bully!’ is the new tag word hurled around like ‘racist!’ or ‘homophobe!’ used to be (still are) as a counter-attack to avoid actual meaningful debate/confrontation.
Go humanity. You rock.
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I experienced bullying at my first job out of university, and lacked the confidence and power to do something about it. I had no support in a field that requires experience, not only a degree, and was told I was hopeless and had a few certain people constantly muttering about me under the breath. And the more this went on, I truly believed I was hopeless, and as my confidence diminished and I became more intimidated, the less I was able to learn. I was a nervous wreck, I lost 10kg in 6 months and was constantly miserable.
Thankfully I got out of that job and got another one in the same industry, which has helped me slowly gain confidence. But this really scarred me and now that I’m older and wiser I wish I had done something about it, as it should not be allowed to go on. This is bullying… complaining about a product or a company is not bullying… making someone feel stupid, hopeless and terrified in their workplace/school/home is bullying, causing serious emotional effects on victims.
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It also transfers into the world of kids at school. Sometimes my kids are so quick to cry bully on a kid who has said or done something mean to them or to a friend. Theres a big difference as many people here have said between mean or aggressive behaviour and true bullying.
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We had a young junior in our company who was always very quick to complain to HR that she was “being bullied” when she received feedback she didn’t like. She was basically hopeless, but if anyone complained they feel into the ‘bully’ trap. Basically HR were too scared and gutless to do anything about it. She was also very quick to dissolve into tears and play the victim, and really caused a lot of trouble, until finally a new office manager saw through all the b/s and sacked her. As far as I’m concerned, so called ‘workplace bullying’ is often not much more than an incompetent employee looking for something to hide behind.
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I am dealing with this exact situation at my workplace at present… I am the manager and feel as though I am really stuck in the middle of two of my staff. One is a new employee and yes, she is taking far too long to really get a grips of the job requirements and the other is a very competant yet quick to point fingers and get frustrated when things are not done to her liking. I have had to sit each of them down seperatly and explain to them what my thoughts are on the situation. Unfortunately the newbie is playing the bullying card – which has put extra pressure on me to resolve the situation before it gets out of hand… It is such a grey area and one that I haven’t had to deal with in my adult life before. Hopefully the steps I have put in place for both of them resolves the matter!
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Bullying is such an overused word – to the detriment of true bullying victims, who won’t be heard for the noise. To me bullying is personal. It’s about an individual’s looks, opinions, personality, sexuality … It’s about exclusion. Honestly? I don’t think a great big company with in-house legal representation CAN be bullied. At the same time, I think we need to tell our kids to think carefully before calling ‘bully’. Last year, my eight year old daughter told me tearfully she was being bullied at school. Turns our she wanted to play ponies and her friend wanted to play ‘fantasy-land unicorns’ – they couldn’t agree, and unicorn-girl found another playmate that day. I explained carefully that wasn’t bullying, just something friends need to work out.
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They all seem to go through that ponies/unicorns stage don’t they.
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I agree, I really don’t see how a company can be bullied (by an individual, not another company).
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Bullying is ongoing and relentless and results in physical, emotional or social trauma or exclusion. It can be obvious or subtle. No provocation, no point to it, but often involves a power imbalance. It says alot about the one who bullies, not the one who is bullied. It’s like stealing, but from someone’s soul.
The washing machine incident was not bullying, nor was the onesie situation.
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And bullying has an extreme impact on the victim. I haven’t seen any corporations comitting corporate suicide but victims of genuine bullying are often suffering in ways that result in mental illness, self harm and suicide. Even once the bullying stops, the victims can remain permanently affected.
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I used to read Dooce regularly – this dryer incident was one of the final straws for me – and I think the two situations described in this article are quite different. Most of the backlash Heather received wasn’t due to the fact that she called them out on Twitter – it was due to her threatening them that she would as if they should care that she’s “Dooce”. Yes she had a legitimate beef with the company but pulling the whole “don’t you know who I am?” card left a bad taste in most people’s mouths as it tends to regardless of who does it. Case in point – the blogger anon referred to below.
Was that bullying however? No I don’t think so. A loose form of blackmail maybe and an over-inflated sense of one’s importance definitely but not bullying in my eyes.
And in the case of Mia and the clothing store, I don’t think this was bullying either. Just like companies profit from paid for and free endorsements from those with large readerships online, they have to be prepared to expect the bad feedback with the good. However, harassing those employees who are receiving those phone calls, emails, etc should never be acceptable. It makes those doing it look almost as bad as the company or person with whom they’re upset.
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Bullying is when one powerful party uses their power over another party unfairly to harass, hurt, or manipulate them. If we want to pull out the dictionary, Oxford Dictionaries defines it as “a person who uses strength or influence to harm or intimidate those who are weaker:” I would say “party” rather than “person” because it could be a company or group. Were you or Heather trying to harm or intimidate the other party in your disagreements? No. Like you I am entirely fed up of people abusing the term ‘bully’. It really trivialises what real bullying victims go through.
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It could be argued the company was bullying Heather.
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I have had a recent experience in this area. A particular Blogger (who had a problem with me for not letting her take our business blog as she went off to emabark as a professional blogger). She regularly writes posts about her general life goings-on. Always says in brackets that the post is in jest and not aimed at anyone in particular. When in fact they are often directed at me and now others as her power-trip grows. The problem is that, she is a bully and has always been. She now hides behind the guise of a professional blogger, and uses proclamations like this one you have just written, to justify her actions. Here in lies the problem, on-line media is powerful, if the person becomes popular, then, in the wrong hands (i.e. the bully) they become dangerous. So, as responsible “bloggers” I think we should all be very mindful, who and what we write about. Use your power for good and not evil ! Always remember that there are people, that’s right, I said “people” who read these stories. And as people, we are easily manipulated, mis-guided and hurt, think of this before you key your words pleases bloggers.
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Ultimately, businesses have always known that a happy customer will tell a friend but an unhappy one will tell ten. Social media means that we can now tell a hundred or a thousand or even more. I love that the digital age means we all have a little bit of power back when we are dealing with big organizations.
Bullying though? I thought that bullying was the systematic mistreatment of an individual or group of individuals in order to intimidate and humiliate them. So, I don’t think that any of us can “bully” a corporation. You might abuse their staff (which is still wrong) but you can’t bully the company.
And remember, this isn’t an individual picking on the company for no reason – they’re voicing their grievance after attempts to deal with the problem privately. So, this is just the digital version of the unhappy customer complaining to their friends. And if you have a lot of friends, well …
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Mia thanks for an interesting post. I have enjoyed reading the comments as well. A lot of people have put a lot of thought into their responses and it has been an intelligent discussion. A breath of fresh air! Please, keep looking for quality like this.
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Bullying is such a difficult thing to accurately and honestly identify. Its very difficult in some situations to determine who the bully is and who is standing up to the bully because they’ve had enough! Often the bully is the one who cries longest and loudest when finally on the receiving end. They have a receptive audience because they’re used to being in control and listened to or parents who wont possibly consider that their child is anything other than perfect.
I know people whose child has been nasty, unkind and dishonest little person, who has made life very difficult for kids who have had to put up with their daily taunting at school. But of course their parents wouldnt have a bar of that. Finally when one of these quite passive kids decided they have had enough and stood up for themselves, the bully ran crying to their parents who took the issue to their school. And this resulted in the bully being removed from the school by their parents because they claim their child was being bullied! Their child was actually not being bullied but experienced the other kids standing up to their bullying which had been going on for several years. The label bully is often misused and its important to find out ALL the facts before applying it. Nobody wants to admit that their child could perhaps be the bully. If we could look at our kids, blinkers off, we do have the power to prevent this behaviour developing into their adults lives.
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I think that’s fine, so long as you you address your comments to a business rather than a particular employee eg. “unhappy with poor service at ‘insert store name’” rather than “terrible customer service from Sarah at ‘insert store name here’”. I’ve seen quite a few people with big followings on Twitter out a particular person, not just a company, and that isn’t fair, especially when the complaint is about something minor like they just weren’t very helpful.
If you have any kind of wider influence I’d also be very careful how you word things, as devoted followers will take your lead and ruin with it. If you, for example, write “I’m disgusted by such and such’s latest ad campaign. Shame on them”, you can bet more than a few of your followers will be sending full on hate mail before too long.
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I disagree with you somewhat here. While I agree you shouldn’t mention an employee’s name on SM, I do think it’s important to point out your grievance is with the actions of the employee, rather than the store. There are plenty of people in the world who despite having appropriate training deliver poor customer service on occasions. I’m not going to blame/penalise an entire company for the actions of one person.
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Yes, but do that in a private letter to the company or better yet ask to talk to the person’s manager whilst at the store. Targetting a particular person on social media when you have a couple of hundred thousand followers who’ll back you up and they have 50 is unfair.
I’ve seen so many influential people ‘name and shame’ on social media, and I’ve known a very young girl who was fired and received hundreds of hateful messages for the great crime of ‘seeming stuck-up’ (when really she was just shy, nervous and more than a little in awe of the celeb who ended up costing her her job).
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Agreed!
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The phrase , common sence should have your name,and a photo of you next too it Mia,love your work
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I freaked out earlier this year when my son told me about a boy who was taunting him and I bandied the word bullying around until the principal pointed out that it wasn’t exactly targeted bullying but a boy with random behavioral issues…I am more careful now but I would rather over-react than under-react.
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Bullying. A word that seems to pop up as frequently as mysoginist these days. All too often, we are tempted to attach a word to an incident because it happens to be the word of the day. That’s sad. It indicates to me that we are becoming a bit too lazy with our comprehension and the meaning behind the words so if it sounds vaguely appropriate, then we use it. Bullying, the action, means to me, the teacher I had in 5th class. I had been transferred from 3rd class, to 4th class, 9 weeks before the Christmas holidays. Then after the holidays, I was transferred to 5th class. In those days, the 4th class curriculum, particularly maths, was when you went from a fairly easy lesson, to lessons which were distinctly more difficult. What could I learn, and comprehend fully in that 9 week interim between 3rd and 5th class? Not enough to prepare me for the next year at school. One day, my 5th class teacher, a man, ridiculed me in front of the class because I did not know the answer to a question. He then made me stand up and proceeded to slap me on the hand. I was so ashamed. I went home that afternoon in quite a distressed state. The next day, my Mum came to the school with me and took the teacher to task over his actions for which he promptly apologised and after that, because my Mum had made him aware of the situation, he became much more helpful to me. Even so, to this day, that has stuck with me throughout my life. It was bullying of the worst kind, by a teacher to a student. It probably accounts in some way for the fact that I will make myself heard on any subject when it becomes apparent to me that there is a case to be answered for injustice of any kind. Bullying to me is not when I send an email to Coles or Woolworths because I am not happy with their service or their policies. Bullying to me is when Coles or Woolworths are being unfair to their suppliers (dairy farmers comes to mind), or their delivery staff (the recent disparity between wages and conditions from state to state for their delivery drivers). Bullying to me was when my boss at a television station I worked at told me that he would make sure I never worked at any other TV station because I had resigned my role as his secretary to pursue a career in television production. He made good on that promise to a certain extent. When I was in high school, there were two girls who were known as the school bullies. They were inseparable and did silly things like talking about girls behind their back. Naturally, most of us were scared of them. The silliest thing they did was to openly display support at school for 2 prison escapees which was making headlines all around the country at the time (I’m talking 1960). Were they bullies really? When I think about it, they weren’t bullies at all, they were just silly young girls. Over time, their notoriety around the playground was nipped in the bud by our headmistress, a 4ft nothing bully herself who took them to task at assembly one morning and made an example of them to the rest of the school. Bullying is the Taliban who have consistently carried out threats of violence to young Malala Yousafzai, ending with her being shot in the head by them. For 3 years she has been a thorn in their side and only because she continues to fight for something we take for granted, the freedom to be educated, to stand as equals. Now that is bullying in its worst form and it is abhorrent. I think we can all attest to being exposed to bullying in some form, whether its a personal experience or that of someone in our family or someone we know. The trouble is, sometimes the line between what is just naughty, or inappropriate mischief, and real, damaging bullying, becomes blurred. In my comment here, I have spanned the timeline from the 1950s to today and I still do not have any answers.
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I feel for you about what your teacher did. My husband had a teacher who mimicked his stuttering in front of the class when he was in primary school. His dad came in and dealt with the teacher who never made fun of him again! You are right the impact of being bullied is lasting. It’s a shame the teacher was able to continue to teach, I’d say if it happened today he would be sacked!
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What happened to your husband in my opinion is appalling, much worse than what happened to me.
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I think that bullying happens when people use sinister intimidation and imply physical harm……..on-line, it’s the use of aggressive language, tactics involving over-the-top disagreement and harrowing, repeated threats…Strident sexism is also bullying.
As adults we should be able to accept that not everyone is going to agree with us.
Whenever people “take offence” in matters of politics, religion, & morals I always imagine that their pomposity has been challenged – they’ve invested so much of themselves in being right that they feel righteous in their condemnation.
What Mia & Heather did were in no way acts of bullying……..all you did was complain ……..ethically very, very different.
As with racism, some people don’t truly get what it means to be bullied until they become victims themselves – where they’ve felt harmed, frightened or threatened by the actions of others.
Simply disagreeing with someone is NOT bullying…… It’s all part of our “Freedom of Speech”.
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A blogger I also follow on twitter recently had a flight booked to the blogger conference in NY. She tweeted to her airline if you upgrade me I will tweet good things the whole flight. Of course they did not upgrade her, why should they? Her twitter feed then was full of all negative things about that airline, knew that was coming! Unfollowed, think many others did also.
Being on social media does not give you an entitlement to get better customer service than the next person. What she did I saw as bullying.
Be responsible, do not use social media for your own agendas.
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That is not bullying. That’s your garden variety w*nker
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Yeah, it’s “Don’t you know who I am???”. Honey, if you have to point it out, you’re not that great!
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Mia there’s no way what you did or what Heather did should be called bullying. I feel if the bully word is thrown around too much we lose focus on the real bullying that occurs in all areas of the community.
There is a fine line though and I’ve found this is the case in the school yard. My eldest daughter who’s nearly 10 has been on the receiving end of what is definitely classified as ‘social bullying’. She has had some mean girls consistently use their ‘alpha’ power to belittle her and exclude her and try to influence her friends against her. We’ve had to talk to the school about it and at first I had to convince them that it was bullying (I had advice from a child psychologist before I approached them) because they seem to shy away from the ‘b’ word due to being overwhelmed by the number of ‘cases’ they have to deal with every day. Unfortunately most of these cases are not what you’d call bullying but is really quite typical behaviour in this age group (especially girls) eg. when kids are just a bit mean to each other, they make comments, express opinions, make judgements and are sometimes just a bit honest with their thoughts. Not really bullying but can be equally hurtful and still not acceptable behaviour.
Now that the ‘b’ word is used so often there are kids and parents who experience these behaviours and are hurt by them so they cry ‘bully’ and it kind of dilutes the real ongoing issues that do need to be addressed more thoroughly. This leaves the schools not knowing where to start and having to micro-manage each occurance. Also, if it’s labelled ‘bullying’ it suddenly falls into a category where strict guidelines have to be followed and standards met – I don’t think any school has the resources to deal with every complaint in this way. They really need to figure out what is bullying and what isn’t and teach children that everyone can be bullied, everyone is capable of being a bully but not all behaviours are bullying.
I really believe that there needs to be a program put in place in every school that teaches children to conduct themselves with kindness, respect and effective communication at one end while building resilience and confidence at the other end. This would not only help steer kids away from that everyday ‘mean’ behaviour but could also help break down the ongoing threads of genuine bullying behaviour.
Something that might assist this would be an interactive ‘anti-bullying’ roadshow kind of event that goes to every school and positively influences kids thinking (we had one come to our school to spread an anti-drink-driving message and it was really memorable and effective). Similar to what Daniel Morecombes lovely Mum and Dad are doing in Queensland but with an anti-bullying message. If only someone could fund this!
I’m really not sure kids will learn such skills from just sitting in a classroom listening to their teacher talk about it – more needs to be done – but what a perfect place to start – giving kids life skills in anti-bullying and kindness so that they can carry this into cyber-space, the workplace and the community.
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I am currently being bullied by my ex, his wife and daughter, first they started stalking me online, then leaving nasty comments on my blog, then it went to abusive emails threatening me. And they have continued to do this and get away with it. I ended up closing my blog to the public and moving it elsewhere under a completely new name. I am starting again, but at least I’ll have peace!
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I think maybe that kind of bullying should be reported to the police? Threatening emails are pretty serious.
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I think bullying is not necessarily the specific action so much as it is the execution of that action. In the case of Heather Armstrong and Mia’s Cotton On post, both had the intent of voicing disappointment and sharing that with the wider community in the hopes of a positive outcome (or at least warning others about dodgy whitegoods and crass kids clothes).
Someone else, however, could have decided either situation was enough to start trolling the people behind the products…THAT would be bullying. If it got defamatory or threatening, instead of sincerely disappointed and confused, well then that would be closer to bullying too.
But I do think there is a risk of bullying when you call people or companies out via social media – others could take up the attack (not to say that leaves the first person responsible in any way, just that people are quick to judge and jump on a bandwagon).
One of the comments below mentioned Alan Jones’ use of the term when talking about sponsors recently, and I actually believe Jones could have been right to some extent. I am sure some of his sponsors DID get bullying comments from angry people (or trolls). That’s the nature of the social media beast.
Having said that, I think the fact that social media makes people more accountable for their actions is a very good thing. I’ve given feedback to several companies via Twitter and Facebook in the past, and the speedy responses can help resolve the situation without any lingering bad feelings. So for the majority of people I would say “naming and shaming” is done for the right reasons.
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Yes Amyspeak, you are correct, i think we should avoid voicing our dissapointment with a company through our blog’s. Unless of course that is what your Blog is about (reviews). I think it is an abuse of your popularity or fame to do this. I understand that intentions may be good, but the masses arent always that clever. The Alan Jones debarcle is a perfect expample. The call to arms against Mr Jones and boycott of sponsors became way out of line. This again, is another instance where journalism or electronic media was too quick to stir the pot. Allan Jones has always been a wanker, I dont understand why the sponsors would have pulled out in this instance. Our media and journalists are some of the most disrespectful to our Priminister, maybe all of Australia should pull out of our sponsorship (or support) to our irresponsible News representitives. Who sensationalise everything, and don’t give our governements (on either side) the opportunity to govern. They have all become ball-less puppets, waiting to be told how to act or respond by our media. But I guess thats a whole other conversation. As I said previously, “people” people are behind these companies, they have to deaql with this flack and it often has nothing to do with them directly.
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Hi Anne, just to clarify, I believe that voicing our disappointment via social media can be useful. It’s just that it is a double-edged sword.
You’ve made a really important point that there are people behind these companies, often without any real say in the policies and decisions, so I do think if people are going to express their frustrations that they should keep that in mind.
I think maybe this side of the discussion brings up an interesting question about consumer support. If we don’t feel supported, then we are more likely to take matters into our own hands (ie via social media). If we do feel supported, then hopefully it never needs to get out of hand. But there is a need for accountability on both sides.
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I work for one the companies recently embroiled in the Alan Jones snafu. The company I work for has never advertised with Alan Jones or 2GB. It was incorrectly outed by a very prominent online group, who despite communication and proof to the contrary, refused to adjust their statement.
Even though the company was never part of the Alan Jones quagmire, here’s something for those on social media who do want to follow a cause & protest: please make sure your facts are right and you are going after the right companies and for the right reasons.
Also consider that while you may hold the view that companies are large, faceless entities, they are made of up customer service and social media team members who were roundly abused for a non-existent decision.
Protest all you like. I’m entirely for it. But do your research if you weren’t directly slighted, and I’d suggest keeping it polite. Because being abusive about it to a customer service teamster is bullying in itself.
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surely the radio station alan is on is at fault. the facebook page took their list of advertisers from the radio website.
i have watched this page closely and as soon as a company declares they don’t advertise or have ceased advertising, the list gets updates.
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No, being abusive to a customer service representative is NOT bullying. It is rude/impolite/unpleasant/uncalled for and perhaps abusive yes, but it is NOT bullying. This is the whole point of the article. A one-off unpleasant encounter (at work, in the playground, at home, wherever), is not bullying.
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My 14 year old son has been suspended from catching the school bus for the first two weeks of the school term. The bus company told me he was suspended for ‘bullying and harrassment’. When I asked them to define what they meant by that term the manager said ‘he was annoying another student’. No evidence, no written documentation or diary notes from the bus driver. When I appealed the decision with Transport NSW I was told by the ‘my son made physical contact with another child distracting the bus driver’. My son’s crime? Was to sit in the seat behind the bus driver (my son’s choice) with a girl 2 years older who used to live next door and who’s brother is one of my sons best mates. He then played the game of ‘tap’ whereby a child taps the other child on the shoulder and then quickly looks away’. They were both listening to their ipods. Bully? Harrassment? Annoying? (maybe but since they’re friends I doubt it), physcial contact? (well techinically yes but touching thighs while sitting together is also physical contact). My son has never, not once been accussed of bullying. He is a quietly spoken, shy with adults teen, he is popular, well respected a high academic achiever and state athletics represenative. At the parent/teacher interviews I atttened some 6 weeks ago each and every teacher said he was a respectful boy who never answered back, was happy and well liked amongst his peers and teachers. Nothing to worry about there! The two events which proceeded his suspension on the grounds of bullying and harrassment were that he did not greet the bus driver, and didn’t show his bus pass. I asked the company manager if it is normal for every child who gets on a bus to say hello and he said 70% of children do and its really nice. End of conversation. Next thing I hear my son is suspended for ‘bullying and harrassment’ and has to catch a train to and from school, walk 30 minutes to the train and 15 minutes from the train to school at a cost of $13.50 per week. I feel so strongly about this that I have written to the Director General, naturally I have had no response!
Bullyin is about a power disparity, it is constant, intimidating and scary. It is gut turning, hand shaking, headache making. Bullying is ‘I need to avoid that person because they are making my life bloody difficult’, bullying is ongoing, feels like it is never going to end, draws attention to a victim in ways they dont wish … it is insidious. It is NOT a boy tapping his friend on the shoulder whilst sitting behind the bus driver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An absurd over response and what annoys me most is that the next time this bus driver decides that my son didn’t show his bus pass or didn’t smile or touched someone that he’ll lost his ‘free student travel’ for 10 weeks.
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I don’t think your doing any thing positive by carrying on about it. You need to support the driver. That has to gets the kids home safely- your undermining his rights to control a safe environment.
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Thank you Amanda Rose for your opinion.
The article written by Mia is about the way the term bully is bandied around and applied to situations where it is clearlly not warranted hence devaluing and diluting true bullying and harrassment.
If you think a child touching a close friend on the shoulder is bullying and/or harrasment then I think this is the wrong forum for you. My sons friend did not feel powerless, was not a victim of intimidation, ongong harrassment, did not suffer anxiety, did not want to stop sitting next to him, did not refuse to catch the bus – they sat next to each other for a full 2 weeks following the ‘reportable’ incident. And it took 2 weeks before I was notifed.
Finally I am fairly sure that the bus driver has exercised his right to control a safe environment. Suspending my son was his opportunity to assert that right and he has done that.
I trust that after the lecture I delivered my son, on not touching his friend, greeting the bus driver and showing his bus pass (which is the only three ‘crimes’ that the bus company have asserted he committed) that my son will not do any of these things again.
But Bullying? honestly!
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Sorry if that sounded rude. I get your point about the bullying. I was trying to say sometimes we have to let these things slide so with don’t undermine the authority of people caring for our kids. Your son was distracting him while he was driving a big bus and he needs parental support to control it.
Kind of like when one parent dishes put a punishment the other thinks is harsh. You have to show a united front and not undermine that parent for the greater good of the child.
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I’m sorry your son has found himself in this position. From my experience the true bullies often glide through school and their behaviour remains completely unchecked and the good kids who have a few small hiccups here and there will be singled out and punished.
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Maybe this is a lesson to your son not to touch a girl in any way without her permission.
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Yeah, because tapping a girl on the shoulder is such an evil thing to do.
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Seems a sad overreaction if the girl is meant to be a friend?
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this comment makes me sad. Carolyn stated the girl was friends with and well known to her son. Innocent and fun touching between friends like that shouldn’t need permission, surely? What is our society coming to, when we have to ask permission to touch our friends? I am deeply saddened to think this may be the prevailing attitude.
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If the facts are as you have stated, your son has done nothing wrong, the entire situation is absurd and I feel very sorry for you both. Unfortunately, due to the high incidence of unchecked bullying society has had to deal with, this sort of PC nonsense now occurs. A simple warning addressed to him and copied to you would have been appropriate in this instance. The cunning of real bullies often ensures they get away with it. Based on what you have told us, your son is not a bully and yes this was a total over reaction.
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I’m a high school teacher and I hear the word ‘bullying’ all the time. Last week, a student came to me on the playground and reported a classmate for bullying her. I asked what had happened and she replied that the classmate had thrown a ball that hit her on the arm. These two girls are normally good friends. When I asked if the girl had meant to hit her with the ball, or said anything nasty, she said no. I explained that it wasn’t bullying, but that the girl did still owe her an apology – which I then ensured she got. They were playing together by the end of the break.
We throw the word bullying around and it means less and less. Alan Jones’ sponsors hearing from the disgruntled public is not bullying anymore than my student getting accidentally hit with a ball is. It’s important that we make this clear.
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Bullying will always happen.
Parents yell “Stop the bullies!” all day long and I think if you teach children how to manage bullies, and how to deal with situation where bullying occurs, you’ll get a hell of a lot more done.
Used to be punching, now it’s cyber bullying or something else… it will ALWAYS happen.. it’s how you deal with it.
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I couldnt agree more! .
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Bullying is ongoing harassment or belittling.
Too often people throw out the accusation of bullying because they don’t want to take responsibility for their own actions.
A recent example of this includes when I was teaching a class of Year 8s who were very badly behaved – disruptive, rude, lazy etc. They often claimed that they were being bullied and harassed by their teachers. No. Their teachers were simply doing their jobs by insisting that the kids sit down, be quiet and do work!
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I was at the self serve checkouts at Coles the other day, and this bloke was there with a trolley of shopping and his approx 12 year old kid. The kid walked over to one of the checkouts and tapped the screen, but they ended up using another one. The lady supervising came and said “Mate, next time, can you please not touch the checkout unless you’re using it? Thanks” perfectly pleasantly. Dad then got in a huff about bullying and made a point of leaving with the kid, and half his shopping done, and made a point of walking towards Woolies. Yeah, totally bullying! LOL
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Oh haven’t you heard that children are little gods and that one being in possession of one of these little gods means that — as the father in this situation — means that one gets to boss everyone else around? Anyway, it is Cole’s fault for leaving a checkout where children can play with it. And the mean Cole’s lady was going to hurt the precious little snowflake’s self-esteem by telling him off. And “it takes a village to raise a child” only when parents want cash redistribution in their favour, not when the village actually has the temerity to accost a misbehaving child.
Yes, bullying is real but there are too many crying wolf when it suits them.
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It was really weird – he said “Oh, he went and started that one but we realised it was card only (or cash only or whatever it was)” and the lady said “Yeah, I know, just for next time, thanks, mate” and kept putting his stuff through, but then after a bit of a think decided “Nup, blah blah bullying”. So he had to go and get all his stuff again in Woolies! Yeah, that’ll make Coles think!
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If the lady knew that they’d just made a mistake because it didn’t take cash the why bother asking them about it in the first place? They wouldn’t have touched it if they weren’t intending on using it. The situations isn’t bullying but it sounds like the Coles lady should have apologised if she hasn’t realised they only changed machines when they realised it didn’t take cash.
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She just said “Yeah I know…” to keep the peace. She was being completely nice about it, the kid wasn’t even that worried. The dad didn’t seem to be, but then decided that he had a problem. It was weird. She was just being nice and going along with what the kid said the mistake was. I don’t know why she said it, maybe it makes the checkout start working or something and takes a bit of time to reset or something? He might have scanned something, I don’t know. I don’t have a problem with her telling some kid to keep his hands off the equipment he’s not using though.
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I think that the essential ingredient for bullying is a power disparity. The bully uses this disparity to the bullied’s detriment. Schoolyard bullies use social power (popularity) or physical power to dominate their victim. Bosses use hierarchical power to bully employees. Spouses use emotional & physical power to bully their partner.
However, bullying is not that simple, if I want to call ‘bullying’ or no, I also need to look at context and cause. This is where it gets really subjective.
Example: A student uses their popularity to rain popular disapproval down on a student who’s vandalising school walls with racist slogans. Bullying? Strictly, yes, but I don’t think that anyone’s going to argue that it’s a bad thing to do.
Taking Mia’s example of dodgy t-shirt slogans: Mia has a louder voice than average via this site and she used that power to force a company to do something that they wouldn’t have done of their own volition. Bullying? Perhaps, but I don’t disapprove.
However, what if Mia was, say, championing the pro-life cause and getting her readers to boycott an abortion clinic? If you were to ask me if that was bullying and an abuse of power, then I’d answer with a resounding ‘yes’. On the other hand, I reckon that there’s a lot of fundamental Christians out there who wouldn’t see it as bullying at all, just the pursuit of a cause worthwhile to them.
Cause and context are why the call of ‘bully’ will always be a little slippery, nebulous and viewed subjectively.
I will say that if you can punch a bit harder than average, then it’s wise to pull your punches and pick your cause carefully or risk being regarded as a bully because of power disparity. You listening, Alan Jones?
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I haven’t thought of it that way, but thanks for articulating this. Definately makes me think..
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I have to disagree to a point. I think you are addressing the issues of political correctness, and societies reaction to situations that challenge what is accepted mainstream. Power disparity may have been the key component in days of old, but the internet has leveled this so that anyone behind a keyboard can feel ten feet tall and do untold damage. (Amanda Todd) I have to agree that bullying is a relentless ongoing attack that affects health and wellbeing, and alters a persons ability and RIGHT to attend, function and enjoy life (including social media) without being afraid of what they or others will see/say about them.
It makes me furious when the onus is placed on the victim and they are expected to toughen up, learn coping skills or leave. Sure, we experience mean people and need to learn to deal with bad situations, but relentless ongoing attacks are the fault of the bully and it is the bully’s behaviour that needs to be addressed and reformed.
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Interesting points. The Kate Ellis article had me thinking a lot on this and on who gets to define mistreatment and I think that it once again boils down to context.
As a male, I suspect that I’m comfortable with a far higher level of antagonism in a debate or discussion than is the average woman. I get moderated on this site occasionally because I forget to change gears and I attack an idea too hard.
I slip into a form of debate the way I would with my mates in a pub and those sorts of conversations have been known to include phrases like:
‘Well, I think that’s complete bullshit.’
‘I see your point, but I think that it’s a little limp-wristed’
‘Stop spouting such crap, you pinko bastard.’
I’m not made uncomfortable by this level of contention and will gleefully dish it back.
So, if (on average) women and men are on opposite ends of the spectrum as to comfort levels around antagonism, where does equality lie?
I can only partially answer this, but I think that the key is context.
On this site, it’s definitely appropriate that I shift my tone to address women’s level of comfort with confrontation, as it’s a woman’s forum . In this context women get to define the parameters of debate. On a blog like All Men are Liars, I think that I can more appropriately take the gloves off a little without resorting to personal abuse.
But what about situations like Parliamentary and Q&A debates? It’s the accepted mainstream that parliamentary debates can get rather savage, so whose contention comfort level is the correct one? Men’s or women’s?
I might be old-fashioned or un-PC in this regard but I like to see my leaders being able to resile and hold their own in a robust debate. I want them to have the tenacity to be able to push forward with policies for which I’ve voted. I don’t want it to get vicious and personal but I do want to see my team pressing forward.
It’s my view that in the context of the chamber, then it’s appropriate to debate at a more antagonistic level. I don’t want my MPs too polite to get heard.
A large part of my admiration for Julia Gillard is that she’s one hell of a scrapper on the floor and can exercise her will on the floor.
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I definitely agree that women generally argue differently. I’ve actually had it thrown at me (in an attempt to take me down) here that Kris must be short for Kristopher! As if arguing in a straight, logical manner without dressing stuff up is a bad thing. It’s very frustrating – if you believe what you say, say it, don’t dress it up with “Can I just say…” or “Sorry, but…” You have nothing to apologise about if you disagree with something. Not everyone will like everything you say all the time. I’m pretty sure our politicians, male and female, know this and are comfortable with it.
The issue I pointed out with Julia Gillard’s speech the other day – comments about her ARE often gender based. And calling people out on that is not wrong.
Like you, I admire her because she scraps like a champion.
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Snap!
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You have successfully shifted your tone. Given your nom de plume I couldn’t have picked you as male (no offense), unlike some of the multitude of anonymouses. Or is that anonymi??
I’m like Kris and am probably a bit/somewhat more combative than a lot of women and have copped a few insults for it. I’m actually politer here than IRL to be honest.
I also think some scrapping is necessary in politics. I just wish they weren’t so personal sometimes. I’ve seen footage of politicians in other countries getting into brawls while sitting, so clearly things could be worse, but they could also be better.
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I think a lot has to do with your experience in these type of situations. As a teacher of older children I often find myself having to deal with antagonistic situations in a calm manner but one that still makes my point very clear. If I was Kate Ellis on QandA I would’ve said something along the lines of ‘Should I just wait while Chris and Lindsay finish their private conversation?’ Or ‘Gentlemen I don’t have a problem with you debating my issues but this is just plain rude’.
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I agree, of course experience has a lot to do with it. But my experience on this site in particular has shown that many women just don’t seem to understand that it’s OK to disagree (vehemently sometimes) with people that you like, and disagreement doesn’t mean you automatically hate the other person. I think guys (as teabag gave an example of) handle disagreement much better.
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This is what wanted to say but didn’t find the right words.
I agree
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I don’t think encouraging a boycott is bullying at all. I think it only crosses the bullying line when it comes to threats of some kind of repercussion (as I have heard people have been actually threatening some companies who had not withdrawn sponsorship of Jones’ show).
Encouraging action from followers, either for or against a particular party, is a privilege most public figures have, and most of them will use it at some point. It’s not bullying until it starts crossing into areas of harassment, manipulation, hurting, etc. If boycotting the abortion clinic means threatening to blow it up and black-mailing its employees then yes that’s bullying. If it just means making a statement of disapproval by not going there… then that’s just a boycott, that’s fine.
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Yeah, you’re right. I probably should have used picketing for that example.
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No that is not bullying.
Bullying is what is happening to millions of kids, teens and adults around the world, causing them to feel absolutely terrified, abandoned and ashamed.
Bullying is what happened to Amanda Todd – eventually causing her to take her own life.
Thanks Mia, such a well timed article. Let’s not start throwing around the term bully, but instead focus on the real harm it causes so many innocent people. I’ve been so touched by Amanda’s story – no one should be subjected to the physical and emotional abuse she experienced. And no one should ever feel that the only way out is to die. RIP Amanda. Here’s hoping her legacy shows people the seriousness of bullying and mental illness.
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Victims of bullying are terrified and vulnerable. They are scared to leave the house, go to school or work and feel alone.
I’m pretty sure the white goods company, tshirt company and Alan Jones are not being bullied. What they are feeling is embarrassed.
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Definitely not. I’m so tired of big companies thinking that one person that they have done the wrong thing by, can’t stand up for themselves.
Good on you ladies.
I do also think we need to also speak up when they do good as well.
A staff member at Jacqui E went above and beyond for me recently and I sang their praises to the world (or at least to the people in my world)
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Agree – it works both ways. Do the right thing by your customers and you will be loudly praised!
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Bullying, from a workplace perspective, has been defined in Victoria as ‘repeated unreasonable behaviour that creates a risk to health and safety’ – there is some controversy about this definition, but to me, it seems to capture the essential elements, particularly the behaviour being ‘unreasonable’ and ‘creating a risk to health and safety’. Public outcry, whatever the situation, is definitely not bullying. Also, it is NOT possible to bully a corporation! Suggesting that it is diminishes the very real problem of individuals being bullied.
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Why do you think it’s not possible to bully a corporation? What about the way some of the large supermarket chains allegedly treat their suppliers or small shop competitors? Or what if a bunch of white supremacists blocked the entrance to a shop owned by a Muslim person or harrassed their customers to force them out of business? Why doesn’t that count as bullying behaviour?
In many ways a corporation is just a bunch of individuals.
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I am not sure bullying is the right word but social media does sway people who otherwise wouldn’t care.
Like Alan Jones for instance – those famous shame comments would not have received as much ire from the public without it. Would as many people other if it was a hand written letter. Would they think about it enough to develop strong feelings to the magnitude to take action?
I think the issue is social media magnifies the anger to a point it is out of proportion to the crime committed.
When you have a website like Mamamia or Heathers you do have a huge amount of influence over many people in an instant response setting that can causes waves of action and emotion. it is a new world and the moral and ethical boundaries need redefining. People threatening bad press via social media is almost a form of black mail and coercion.
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The term “bully” is being thrown about as mentioned in this article so frequently, that its true meaning is being lost or minimized. Lately at work, if you tell a worker to do something or disagree with them, the term “bully” is brought up. Being in HR, we are hearing it from staff who don’t like to be told that they haven’t completed a task or are doing the job poorly or incorrectly.
“Bullying” is serious. We need to ensure those who are truly being bullied are not lost in the sea of voices of those who just want to complain or vent.
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