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This week has been a very interesting one. So, first off, I’ve always been a little bit different. Always had trouble living life on life’s terms. I have always been afraid, always been thin skinned, always taken things personally. Always been afraid of being alone, always been bullied, always been sure there was something wrong with me. Always looking at the person next to me to see how they did it, and trying to do the same. Always sure that I would be rumbled, and people would see how crap I truly was, and that nobody would ever want to be my friend.
So when did that change? Well, about eight and a half years ago, I started taking things a little more seriously. I started looking at the circumstances in my life, and how people were always being unreasonable…I started looking at how the common denominator in that was me. I started thinking that, as someone says in Bridesmaids “You are the problem. You’re your own problem, and you’re your solution”. How true. My relationships with people have always been interesting, different, fraught. And although I got help, a lot of it didn’t make sense. Not until I reached my rock bottom (those other ones were just practice), when I developed extreme Post Natal Depression, and was forced to evaluate my own life.
I was forced to see that if I always let other people define me, then when I was alone, I would always feel weird and sort of nothing-y. I learned that nobody was going to show up and help me fix my life. I began to see that I was my solution. I also learned along the way, that the reason why I behaved like this, was because I had an underlying mental illness. I have a mental illness. I don’t like having a mental illness. I want to be all better, because I decided that I should be. But at the same time, it is a relief, when I relapse and I look at the criteria for having Borderline Personality Disorder. Because, there in black and white are all the things I do. All the things that I struggle with. And I realise, again, that this is not something that I enjoy. This is not something that I brought on myself. This was the answer to the question the 14 year old me asked herself again and again “WHAT THE F&*K IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHY CAN”T I LOVE MYSELF?”
Being diagnosed was a huge relief because it meant that there was a REASON why I found life so difficult, why I struggled so much with extremes of emotion, why I became obsessed with certain outcomes, why I struggled to let things go, why I sought to bury my emotion in food, shopping or drinking, why I felt things so much more deeply than other people did. Why I compared myself, why I judged myself and others.
So, it was a curse and a blessing. A curse, because I had all that stuff that I had to deal with, to work on, to try and live with. But, a blessing, because I finally knew what was wrong with me. I had help. I was shown the way and had a loving family, friends, and a psychiatrist who specialised in making people with BPD find a life that was liveable.
But – I still struggle. I still struggle fiercely with my emotions, and in particular, anger. I haven’t had an anger episode for a long time, but I had one last week. And it destroyed some stuff in my life. Good friends, who I haven’t known for that long, saw me at my worst, and didn’t like it. It scared them. This episode set off a chain of events that led to me having to resign from my job, a job I loved, a job where I finally felt that I had found my calling. A job that was proof that I wasn’t limited or challenged. A job where people looked to me for the answers. A job where I could give back for all the compassion and help that I’d received in the past eight years.
I am struggling to not feel like I blew it – like I should have tried harder. But, my overwhelming feeling is that I may have lost friends and a job, but that I am moving on. I have made some amazing friends through this job, and I am proud of my achievement in keeping this job, even though I wish it could have lasted for longer. I recognise that I was starting to get tired. That I was starting to get stressed. That the responsibility was starting to be too much for me. That I was feeling out of control…that I didn’t know how I was going to fit it all in. That I felt like it defined me.
And you know what? I don’t need a job to tell me who I am. I am Deborah Louise Hay (nee Cook). I make mistakes. I let people down. I fall down, but I get back up again. I am honest about my failings. I try to right my wrongs. I am what you see. I love helping people. I love being social. I love sarcasm. I love food. I love sugar. I love my family. I love my son. I love my husband. I love cats. I love toilet humour. I love that life is full of surprises and I love that I”m getting better at rolling with the punches. I love that my husband has taught me to laugh at myself, and I love that I have taught him compassion. I love that I am me. I may not be the best me that I can be, but I’m working on it. Watch this space.
Deb Hay has suffered from Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder most of her life but she’s done so with the support of an extraordinarily loving family and fabulous friends. You can find her blog here.
What defines you?
Comments
79 Comments so far
It’s quite funny, for the past four weeks I’ve been trying to build up the courage to email Mia. You see, I too have BPD (as does 2% population). I have been in recovery for about two years now, which does not necessarily mean an absence of symptoms; it means I have learnt how to reduce the way the symptoms interfere with my daily functioning. Anyway, back to the point – I have been wanting to ask Mia about if and how I could go about writing my tale of BPD on this site. And today, as I realise that I have the strength to put my story out there, I see this, beautifully written post about the every day experiences
Of a BPD sufferer. I thank you. This is a disorder that is accompanied with such negative connotations and stigma. I’m so happy that someone could, so eloquently, write this post.
Again, thank you!
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I don’t consider I have BPD but I do have a temper and inThe past it has caused me problems. But we all grow and mature and improve. With time everything gets better eventually and being a better person now makes it easier to forgive myself if I do stuff up.
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Anyone have advice for living with someone with BPD? One of my family members suffers from it, and like others have mentioned below it can be really difficult to live with this person.
If anyone has practical tips on how to be supportive, how to protect yourself from their outbursts or recover after a bad episode they’ve had, would love to know!
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I can’t say this is best for everyone, but for me:
Supportive: We have worked out his triggers. When he’s feeling good, we can challenge them. When he’s feeling wobbly, we avoid them. I can read his mood and respond accordingly.
Outburst: During an outburst the words “This can’t happen here” are spoken. I insist that our home be a place of peace. And my husband is sent away to deal with the immediate outburst outside of the home. Sometimes he needs to simply go for a run. Sometimes he needs to spend a few days away from me and the kids privately.
Recover: SO important. If something has occurred that is unacceptable, we discuss it *after* the fact, when all is calm. Rules and consequences are agreed upon together in the event they occur in future. The most disarming thing I can say in the midst of an incident is “You love me”… Those 3 words can stop a brewing incident in its tracks.
It has taken YEARS for us to get to this point, and it’s not foolproof, but I hope some of it is helpful for you.
Good luck
PS: My personal motto when it’s all too hard? “This is not about me right now” <— whatever is occuring, whatever demons he is fighting, and however ugly it becomes, it is never, ever, personal. If it was, I would have broken a long time ago
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Hi. I have BPD. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago and am currently in my 2nd year of recovery. In the height of my illness (and still sometimes today) I was/am a very difficult, challenging person to live with. I never really experienced severe rages but the mood swings were the most difficult part of the illness for my loved ones to handle. Can I recommend a couple of books, the first called “stop walking on eggshells” (or something like that) which is aimed at educating and supporting people who have a loved one with the illness, and another called “I hate you, don’t leave me” which is aimed towards people with the illness and people with a loved one with the illness. Both books really helped me
And my family learn some new coping methods.
Hope it helps. xx
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“why I sought to bury my emotion in food, shopping or drinking, why I felt things so much more deeply than other people did. Why I compared myself, why I judged myself and others”
This is me, through and through. Diagnosed with depression but I honestly believe there is more to it than depression. Wow. An article has never spoken to me like this one.
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Hey Amy!
I’m so glad that you have found yourself in this article – for me, diagnosis was the first step in recovery. Cause, if you don’t know what in the heck is wrong with you, how can you possibly recover? Are you seeing a good psychiatrist? They make all the difference. There is also a book called the Dialectical Behavioural Handbook, which I’ve found a fabulous tool in the road to recovery.
Whatever happens next, just know that you are not alone, and there are many brave and courageous people like you and me struggling with this disease. And you know what? We may struggle, but we can also experience extremes of happiness, and are often very creative. There is an upside. Lots of love, Deb xxxx
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As someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety for the last 12 years and recently diagnosed with BPD, Deb you have sung to my heart.
While it had been on the cards for some time the month after I was diagnosed were very emotional and I had many moments of “f^ck this is serious stuff, I’ve managed to get through the whole depression and anxiety shit but this, this is HUGE”. April last year I set up my own site to reach out to other people who were like me but now with a new diagnosis I don’t feel connected with my site or the person I was. I might add the site was set up and launched in 2 days, yep I became REALLY obsessed about it and it’s done really well but what now? Who am I? I am a chameleon, I tend to fit into this person everyone else wants me to be. So now I am on a path to find me, what I like, what makes me happy.
A big thing to remember is there are MANY personality disorders, a huge breakdown and it’s not always a straight forward diagnosis of BPD. I have a cross diagnosis which means I have or will have 3 different types of therapies to help me.
Oh I might also add I didn’t have the support of my family. After my father passed away 4yrs ago the pressure all fell on me. My mother is a narcissus and someone who told me I would nothing and even told me I was selfish for going to hospital to get help lol. I moved states and my brother said “what about mum, who will be there for her, who will help her?” yep, I’m the youngst of 4, never had support and I was the one who had to take care of mum. I made a selfish decision one which saves me, I moved and it helped me. Life hasn’t been easy but I research everything about my illness. I send emails to my friends with links to sites and endless amounts of info. I’ve lost some friends but I always remind myself that I have tried my hardest, when I’m feeling well I am the best friend you could ever ask for, I have supported everyone of my friends and sure I have moments where I am irrational and demanding, I have things going wrong and I have weeks of drama but I somehow bounce back. Not sure how I do it but I do. I often don’t want to keep going through the family and emotional drama I want it to end but it doesn’t and I somehow find something to laugh about, cute puppies or babies, random youtube
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Thanks Deborah for this posting. I have Aspergers & BPD, for 30 years – anti depressants, therapy have not helped. Because of chronic fatigue recently had a blood test that was normal except early signs of liver deterioration, I drink every night. Would Pyrolle Disease and/or the copper show in a blood test or only the special urine test? Looked into the dialectical behavior therapy – when you are 42yo, fear of workplaces, 10 thousands in debt, never married, no children, no friends or family and chronic fatigue & IBS the motivation is so hard to find
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This is a difficult topic to address and I admire the courage of the writer.
I have read all the responses and felt compelled to add my own experience to the mix.
My husband suffers from mental illness. Before he was diagnosed (4 years ago) it felt like my whole world was crumpled up around my feet. His illness made him aggressive and delusional and there were words and actions pre-diagnosis that I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive. I was implored by my family to leave. I very much wanted to, but he was suicidal, and the worst thing I could have done at that time was take his beloved children away from him… so I decided to be his friend.
He was so unwell and it was very challenging to reason with him, but eventually he allowed me to take him to the GP. He now manages his illness through medication, exercise and cognitive behaviour therapy.
Life is no bed of roses – challenges still come up (“I’m feeling great, I don’t need my meds!”) and I often feel like I am managing a household solo, but life is certainly much better now and the man I married is slowly returning. It is very conditional from my end, I must be honest. As long as my husband is treating his condition, I will stay. If he makes a choice to discontinue, I will not. He knows this. My highest obligation, in my opinion, is to our children. They have an absolute right to an uneventful ordinary childhood <— as a couple, we can provide this if he manages his illness well.
My heart goes out to those suffering with mental illness AND the supporting family who are along for the ride. There’s no two ways about it – it’s hard work.
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Thank you for writing, and being brave enough to publish, such an honest piece Deb. You encourage me to stop kidding myself that everything is ok, when its not.
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I have mental health problems – and I worry about my ‘supportive’ husband. I feel like I try hard for him, but it doesn’t mean he gets to live a ‘normal’ life. I feel like it is so unfair for him to have to be with me because he is so ‘normal’ and I am so ‘extreme’ – ups and downs and sad and depressed – and he has to put up with it.
He is the nicest person in the world, and so wouldn’t leave me, and probably feels some kind of obligation to me.
but what can I do? I am not so selfless that I could ‘love him enough to set him free’. I love him so much, and he makes my life so much better.
but he deserves so much better than me.
It seems unfair. I should let him go. He says he wouldn’t ever ever want that – but that is only because he can’t imagine how good and normal it would be. It would probably be such a relief to him.
Mental illness is so hard on loved ones. I don’t know whether I think they should stay or go…
Staying means you might be improving the persons life by just being there. Going means you improve your own life.
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I have Bipolar II, and like you, am constantly amazed by my husband’s strength of character when it comes to living with ‘a crazy person’. Many times I have implored him to leave, to find someone worth his time, someone who will lead a normal life with him.
And you know what made me love him even more? When he told me that normalcy is boring, that he will love me no matter what crazy shit I put him through, and that a silly mental illness is not enough to stop him from loving me. From that moment, I decided I would no longer push him away ‘for his own sake’. I figured that there must be a little crazy in him to still want to spend his life with me. I don’t believe in obligation, I believe that this man is happy to live up to his commitment to me and to our life together. Who am I to tell him that this life is not the one he wants to live?
Stick with your husband. Appreciate what you have, and be grateful that he’s willing to put up with your crazy ass. I know I am constantly blown away with having such a supportive husband, and I know that I would simply not cope without knowing that he’s there. Although I will save my conversations about meds and manic episodes until I see my psych ward buddies, just KNOWING that he is there is everyday-therapy.
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My much loved brother-in-law married after a whirl wind romance, his wife has BPD. She is extremely abusive towards him and us. It has made all our lives a living hell. However, we are all extremely empathetic and supportive of her, as is her own family. Unfortunately due to her illness she is not able to see this and, if she were commenting on this blog, would certainly be one of the sufferers saying that she has not benefitted from the love and support she needs. It is important that we reduce stigma and increase support for the sufferers of all mental illness – but please don’t forget the hidden victims – the family.
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I hear you, and I understand that the family and friends suffer. Mental illness means that the whole family suffers. I assured Anon further down that my illness is high functioning, but it hasn’t always been so. I’ve wrecked lots of good times and destroyed happiness. I can’t change that, but I can commit to living a good life today that doesn’t hurt those I love. Because alcohol abuse and alcoholism is often part of this, groups like Al Anon, where friends and family of those with drinking problems learn skills to detach with love, can be very helpful. One of my greatest victories is getting back a friendship with my two sisters, who were punished repeatedly by my abuse and nastiness. It’s taken years of me being moderate for them to trust me. Trust isn’t a given, it’s a right that has to be earned. My heart goes out to those who suffer because of a BPD in their life. I’m so sorry that you suffer. I hope your BPD recovers and earns your trust. Xx
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A beautiful reply.
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To everyone out there with BPD I urge you to talk to your doctor or psychiatrist about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). It teaches such skills as emotional regulation, mindfulness, distress tolerance, relationship management and communication skills. Many private clinics run courses of DBT that can last anything from 8 weeks to a year.
It isn’t something that should replace your normal therapy (which I believe is essential for those of us with BPD) but the skills I learnt from this therapy have literally changed my life.
I cannot recommend it highly enough for anyone with BPD…actually, even if you don’t have BPD it teaches the sort of life skills that anyone could benefit from. It is a mode of pyschotherapy that has been developed specifically for BPD and I know I for one, have found it incredibly transformative.
Look into it…it will be one of the best things you do for yourself.
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I see comments about wonderful supportive families and as the daughter of a mother with BPD my heart bleeds for them. I haven’t spoken to my mother for many years and am not likely to. I don’t want to expose my children or in laws to her toxic rage. She cannot keep friends either.
I don’t blame her for her illness but I can’t handle it either, especially as I have no evidence she has changed at all. My childhood was blighted by her rage, depression, instability, multiple partners, alcoholism and law-breaking. I know it’s an illness but I wonder what these oh- so- supportive commenters think vulnerable children and families should do? Just be supportive?
People with BPD can be really abusive. Abusive, people. I don’t think just validating families for being ‘supportive’ is helpful. If the person with the explosive rage was a man, I wonder if we’d be so supportive or if we’d call him an abuser with psychopathic tendencies. But I’ve only ever heard stories of women with BPD.
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Dear Anon
I’m very sorry for what you have suffered with your mother.
I feel bad for you that you have only seen the horrible sides of BPD and you haven’t seen the recovery!
I hope that your mum will try and turn herself around as this is the only way she will recover. Unfortunately no medication or doctors can help her if she isn’t ready to change.
Believe me I learnt that the hard way!
I hope that you can live your life better for having seen your mum go through some terrible times.
I know that you can’t see it, but it is hard for us to go through that constant rage and mood swings. It is so tough and you have no idea how to stop it.
You try drugs and alcohol because you think that it makes you feel better
and it does,
until it doesn’t!
I’m sorry for you and your family!
But please remember that BPD is an illness. If your mum had a cancer that made her angry would you hate her so much?
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I didn’t read the word ‘hate’ above – Anon has obviously chosen to live her life separately for self preservation. I have done the same thing and removed myself from the path of the hurricane – at the time it was the only option available to me if I was going to have any semblance of a normal life. I don’t hate my Mum – I pity her and wish her all the best but I have responsibilities to my husband and children.
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Yes you have it right. It’s about my responsibility to other vulnerable people – and myself. I spent enough of my childhood looking after my mother, feeling responsible for her feelings, trying to keep her on an even keel. Impossible task. Just how much of my life – and my children’s – was I supposed to sacrifice?
The difference if she had cancer is that she’d almost certainly be getting treatment for it. As for only seeing only the horrible side, to me there are only negative sides to BPD. I guess it’s almost impossible for people with BPD to accept or truly grasp how appalling they can be for others to be in relationship with. I know people with BPD have to keep going somehow but I’m disturbed by the amount of self justification I see here.
Of course the poster ‘blew it’ when she lost her job and her friends! She has to get back on her feet but pretending losing your job due to your anger is not ‘blowing it’ is not helpful. If that’s not blowing it, nothing is,
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Hey Anon
I’m so sorry that your mum didn’t get treatment. For me, I entered into AA almost nine years ago and have been sober ever since – I work on my illness and how it impacts others. When I had my son, it was all the more reason to step it up. Do whatever it took to make sure this wasn’t a legacy that was passed on. My father has emotional issues that have added to my sense of emotional instability.
After a lot of work, I’m a high functioning person with BPD. I haven’t had an anger episode in a long time, years! I haven’t lost a job for two years. Yes, I know I blew it. I had a relapse. But, if I enter into the headspace of “I blew it”, then that sends me into a spiral of sobbing, devastation, anger, and depression that makes me horrid to be around. Instead, I have to try and right the wrongs that I can, accept the things that I can’t change and get on with it.
I have been married to the same man for seven years, I don’t drink or break the law. I don’t have rage. My anger is not allowed to hurt people, and if it does, I apologise and make amends immediately. My family hasnt been as badly damaged by my BPd as you have, because I’m a high functioning BPD. But it’s still a disease and a heavy load to carry.
I can’t enter into condemning myself, because that’s selfish and unhelpful for those around me. Just have to say “I made a mistake” and keep on living!
Have you ever read the book “walking on eggshells”? It’s sposed to be very helpful for those with BPD parents. Please also see someone about how upsetting your childhood was for you. Untreated BPD is horrendous for those around them. But I’m not your mother, and I’m trying. I admit my mistakes and I’m stepping towards being fully recovered.
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Anonymous, as someone with a mental illness who endures the (at times understandable) judgement of others for past behaviours even though I’ve made many significant behavioural changes, hearing anger and language like “blowing it” for past mistakes makes things ten times worse. I have compassion for your situation and your feelings are valid- however for those who *do* recognise they have a problem and are working damn hard on it, I can assure you our own self-talk is punishing enough. I LOATHE myself for the damage my illness has done to others. I’m a much healthier person now but those echoes are still very much felt. Please don’t think a person with an illness and has gotten on with their life has “gotten away with” anything. We carry that guilt with us every day.
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Anon, my mother has BPD too. I left home at 16 to avoid the abuse and violence. I’m sad that she’s never sought treatment as it’s cost her most of her relationships including my sister and her children.
I have a pretty good relationship with her now, as long as I follow my rules. Never at her house, never more than an hour, not when she’s stressed or tired. And I would never leave my children alone with her.
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I have suffered with severe depressive episodes during my life and have currently been medicated for close to 10 years. From time to time I take myself off meds with totally crap outcomes. I don’t know if I have other diagnoses but I have alienated several friends and am probably losing my business due to my extreme rage and inconsistent behaviour. Fortunately my family, including husband and children, are standing by me but I’m scared that they may not be able to maintain it and I’ll be alone. I am also finding I am abusing alcohol in an attempt to anaesthetise my emotions which is also damaging my relationships. What can I do????
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If you are finding yourself slipping into a space where you don’t feel in control or recognise unhealthy coping strategies ie the alcohol, it’s crucial you speak to your doctor about it. Come up with strategies together , whether its increasing the meds, having some therapy, focusing on exercise and healthy eating – whatever works for you. I’m sure you don’t want to go back to any dark places again, I know I never do. So do whatever you must to get help and all the best x
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I have BPD and also felt relieved when I was diagnosed. Researching it also made me sit there going ‘I do that! I do that too!’ then ‘I’d hate someone doing that to me’.
My anger was my biggest issue, add a drink or two and BAM! Psycho Sam comes out. Dealing with that has been my biggest achievement.
When I make new friends I worry about the point where I’ll push them away, so I keep an eye on it and do a few things to stop myself.
I’ve been dealing with this for most of my life, but diagnosed for 4 years. It’s hard work, but I’m getting there.
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I soo relate to Psycho Sam! Me too! Yet the alcohol is such a relaxant and calming influence before the aggression. So hard to manage.
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I very much relate to “Sammie” and “Me Too” above. The alcohol can make you feel great, but then the storm comes!
When I was diagnosed with BPD it was a relief in that it was an answer, but over time it can also feel overwhelming to know that I’m dealing with something that won’t ever go away. Instead I have to find ways to live with it. Sometimes that thought is too hard to manage.
Thank you so much to Deb for writing this piece and speaking out about BPD – it is so rare that BPD gets talked about. Thank you xxxooo
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Deb, you should be proud of yourself for being open & honest about something so painful & personal. I hope you (& all of us) can find that sense of Peace that we so desparately crave.
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Thank you Deb. Really appreciate your honesty.
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6 years ago I read about BPD and realized that my mum was a textbook case. At times in her life there had been mania, black & white mood swings, needing to be the centre of attention, recklessness, paranoia, betrayal, depression, suicidal tendencies, nymphomania etc, etc.
When she was diagnosed she too felt the same relief. She was 60.
After 6months of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which included Hypnotherapy she was on an even keel for the first time in her life. Now if she senses a manic episode coming on she has a phrase – a hypno trigger – that she uses to balance her thoughts. It really works. No medication required.
Since this therapy I have claimed my own life for the first time, as managing Mum’s trauma, psychosis and neediness had always been my first priority.
At 40 I was finally liberated to live without needing to look after her, without being on the phone to her several times a day while I was at work to calm her, without fear of another suicide attempt.
But I too needed therapy, to get over 40 years of having to support and be parent to a role model who had BPD. For in my living memory I not been allowed to be the child myself or to ‘steal her limelight’ by being ill or by having joy or achievements.
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Hi Deb,
What a beautiful and brave article. Thank you for sharing your story. It was a privilege to read. Xxxx
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Great article…
Not to de-value your struggle, Deb, but Post-Natal Depression is and has become a more socially acceptable mental health issue… Less stigma than such things as Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar Effective Disorder and Schizophrenia. Would have been great to hear the perpsective of someone who has had to battle against even more prejudice etc.
But still, if depression, anxiety and PND are becoming less stigmatized, it can only mean that all others are too.
Cheers to that day.
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I get that – it’s ok to have PND thing. I actually have borderline personality disorder, which is a challenging array of personality issues. Stalker-like, obsessive, and victim, are all things I’ve been called. And I have been all those things – and I must own my actions…. But it’s heartening to know that I’m struggling against a mental illness and not just some sort of defective person.
My dear mum was worried when I submitted this, that I’d be alienated and stigmatised as a result of sharing so frankly – luckily everyone has been so supportive.
I spent the best part of two years a prisoner to severe depression and from the ages of fourteen wondering what was wrong with me and why I destroyed everything. Isn’t that enough of a struggle? The relief of a diagnosis meant that suddenly, for the first time in my life, all the pieces of strange behaviour made sense. I’ve struggled, suffered and lost friends. And since when did we have to compare mental illnesses? Wow!!
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Sorry; just read again…
Now I feel a bit dumb…
Thank you, thank you , thank you!!!
Much needed attention to BPD..
By the way, has the new DSM finally upgraded it’s definition of BPD to include origins in trauma? I worked as a mental health counsellor and everyone I saw with BPD seemed to have a history of trauma. I believe this to be true.
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And sadly,yes, mental health issues are always being compared;
There is a scale called the “Burden of Illness’ which is a scale of disability caused by mental health issues. It is a helpful scale though as it compares level of disability to that of physical health issues….e.g. mild depression may cause as much disability as asthma…. where as a severe mental health issue can cause as much issue of disability as quadroplegia.
It can be seen to legitamize the impact that mental health issues can have on jobs, relationships, income, self-care etc. though
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whoops! I’m sorry too – I think I was a little hoity toity in my reply – it’s weird to see my words in print…and everyone must love them ,or they’re WRONG! ha. So, thank you for your words, I really appreciate them to have new perspectives on the illness
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As someone who studies BPD, academically, and worked In mental health – BPD as a diagnostic criteria has not changed, but there are massive debates about changing the name to something like ‘complex trauma’ in the new DSM. However this could be problematic as around 20% of all BPD sufferers have not experienced any significant trauma in their life….
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You have just written me, my life and my story. Thank you for making me feel semi-’common’ when I always feel so damn lonely ugly depressed worthless whilst trying to present as happily stable.
I am on medication and only a handful of people know I have depression as I could not stand the exposure. Some days just really suck so much that I want to wake up dead in the morning. Some days are great though and I wouldnt want to miss it for the world.
Thats life, my life. So thanks so much for sharing yours.
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Wow, I’m off to visit your blog Deb. I’m currently enrolled in Qld’s new Cert 4 in Mental Health, it focusses on recovery; not clinical recovery…. personal recovery.
These are the sorts of stories that shoud make us so called professional sit up and listen.
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I hear you loud and clear, Deb. Thank you.
*hugs*
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Very interesting article. I’ve battled with BPD and depression for most of my life. But I found the most interesting part of this was right at the end. That she’s had the support of family and friends. Some of us don’t have those things, which just re-enforces all the negative thoughts, and makes dealing with things so much harder.
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Hi Chris – you are right, I’ve been very lucky to have support of my friends and family. There are some great comments down the bottom about where to find help. Ultimately, though, it’s my journey, I am responsible for getting well and nobody can do it for me. AA and Grow groups are my soul family and have provided me with help and understanding. Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world, but I know that there are people willing to help. Best of luck on your journey xxxx
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Like what she said!
Chris, please know that their are fantastic supports out there;
Be that new friends, support groups, professional help or role models etc.
Nobody can do it alone, from what I’ve seen though.
Best. xx
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Thank you for writing this beautiful article.You have paved the way for others who are looking for a way to seek help.Best of luck on your journey to self discovery.
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Deb, having walked a very similar journey to you, I have now felt enormous relief to find that my mental illness is linked to biochemical factors – my extremely high copper overload guaranteed I would get PND 10 years ago. It was to the point of constantly thinking about suicide.
My GP recently gave me the results and told me about why this had happened. The change in pregnancy hormones (as does the contraceptive pill) exacerbates the copper overload and sent me spiralling in to a pit of despair.
I sat crying in her office as I realised it wasn’t a case of me not trying hard enough, not being good enough as a wife or a mother, and that I wished I knew then what I know now to have gotten the correct help and possibly saved my marriage and family. I was also adding to my copper levels by drinking mineral water (high in copper) on an almost daily basis thinking this was much healthier rather than sugar loaded soft drinks.
I also tested positive for Pyrrole disease another underlying issue that is common with mental illness and behavioural conditions like, depression, PND, alcoholism, ADHD, Bi-polar.
Pyrrole disease is detected by a simple urine test, but a little tricky as the urine has to be collected in the dark, wrapped in foil to keep out the light and snap frozen ad sent to the lab in Queensland. Very simply I don’t metabolise B6 and Zinc properly and it inhibits the uptake of Serotonin to the brain which can lead to mental health and behavioural issues. (in my case) rather than antidepressants I take a range of supplements including a custom vitamin made by a compounding pharmacy.
As my GP explained taking a multi-vitamin is like expecting the entire population of Australia to wear exactly the same shoe size. In fact in patients with metabolic issues, multi vitamins and certain foods can over supply certain nutrients which will exacerbate symptoms. For instance some Omega fatty acids can heighten symptoms and children are often given a combination fish oil supplement that might be adding to, rather than assisting their problems. In some cases Evening Primrose Oil or Krill oil might be a better supplement for some patients.
http://www.vitalityandwellness.com.au/health-issues/pyroluria
None of this is easy for me to explain properly (or simply) – I am not medically qualified, and may be inadvertently misconstruing some of my own ‘research’, test results and theories. Obviously a professional opinion should be sought to ensure total accuracy. It is based on science and advocated by a small (but growing) group of medical practitioners in Australia. Bio Balance have a great website full of information and they also have a conference for patients and medical practitioners in Sydney in next month as well as an Outreach Clinic. I am not part of their group in any way but their research has saved my life. At the age of 46 I am finally getting some answers on how to reclaim my life, my health and my sanity and the chance to rebuild my shattered life.
Here are some of the key documents for you to review on the Bio Balance website.
http://www.biobalance.org.au/articles
But one that I downloaded from their site gives a lot of information and clarity was this one on Biochemical issues
http://www.biobalance.org.au/articles/10
If you or a loved one suffers from mental illness or children have behavioural issues – I can not recommend highly enough to consider investigating these biochemical factors.
Here is the link to a recent story of a GP in the Northern Rivers area who had a short story published in a local newspaper and it resulted in a wide range of patients coming forward and testing positive to the little diagnosed Pyrrole disease.
http://www.dailyexaminer.com.au/story/2010/12/27/grafton-pyroluria-richards/
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Its important to note that none of the above is scientifically accepted fact. That’s not to say it is wrong. Nevertheless current medical practise does not believe that nutrients, other than in a few specific situations, are sufficient to cause mental illness. They may well exacerbate or be helpful in treatment but the research has not been done conclusively. I have looked at this site and most of the articles are not scientifically referenced but are opinion pieces. The couple that are referenced are published in Alternative Therapies journals and not the scientifically accepted journals. It can take a while for new ideas to become accepted but it is also important to be sceptical of treatments promising dramatic changes. What we know is that borderline personality is most closely associated with difficult upbringings, early trauma and issues with trust in loved ones and some much more minor degree of inherited risk. It is possible nutrient treatments could help, if combined with good quality interpersonal therapy looking at relationships, but it is unlikely to cure something so socially and psychologically based. Keep an open mind and you should be fine. Believe too strongly in one miracle cure, and waste time you could have spent getting a good therapist. Note I don’t mention antidepressants as they, like nutrients, probably are only capable of augmenting therapy for personality based issues.
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I appreciate this point of view.. And I acknowledge that these nutrient based therapies are still evolving but the thing that seemed credible to me when I was assessing the viability is that practicing doctors here in Australia are becoming involved and finding it works. And they continue to learn and modify individual treatment protocols. It doesn’t seem radical hocus pocus.
I had tried antidepressants – they just did not work for me – I am in the smally percentage that they shut me down rather than elevate my mood – I felt like a zombie – wanting to sleep for 24 hours a day and had involuntary jaw claming as a continual side effect. So I tried to cope and rely on therapy – a whole range of approaches from CBT, ACT, EFT, Hypnotherapy, for years and it helped me stay above water but I was exhausted and still felt I could drown at a moments notice. One small thing to create a chink that could open to a chasm.
From my point of view, I had no other viable alternatives, so taking nutritional supplements would not be harmful… (unless of course it was an extreme regimin of powerful doses), but mine are specifically adjusted to normalise my levels of extreme deficencies, namely Vitamin D, B6, Zinc and a overloads such as copper. All validated by recent pathology.
Even if it is a placebo effect, and I see improvement in my overall mood, and ability to cope, then I think it has been worthwhile – and I am getting additional nutrients for my body. Hopeful a similar benefit/outcome to other suggested practices to augment therapy such as healthy eating, minimal alcohol comsumption, exercise and sunshine.
I am a little confused by your post however as I don’t think I said nutrients ’caused’ mental illness?.
To quote the following link
http://www.biobalance.org.au/articles/10
“For example, some depression patients have a genetic pyrrole disorder which renders them grossly depleted in vitamin B-6. These individuals cannot efficiently create serotonin since B-6 is an important co-factor in the last step of its synthesis. Many of these persons report benefits from Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, or other serotonin-enhancing medications. However, similar benefits may also be achieved by simply giving these patients sufficient amounts of B-6 along with augmenting nutrients”.
I am not advocating that someone not take their medication in lieu of supplements but maybe both taken together (and as far as I know there is no contra effects to do so, but would need to be verified by a GP), could possibly assist the cause and effect perhaps?
I find the whole emergence of gut based psychology fascinating too and feel relief that there may be answers and solutions out there for those of us who have been in the wilderness for far too long.
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Hi I have bipolar two depression and see some of the most famous doctors in the country. Pyrolle disorder is real and with proper treatment by trained doctors in the field (see the Bio Balance website) I have truly found myself better. Yes it’s not accepted as 100% clinically perfect….yet….and the doctors who champion that system are the first to say so. The point is that thousands of people worldwide are getting benefit from what they do know so far….people who have been going around in circles for years with other “reputable” treatment which isn’t improving their lives. EVERYONE struggling with mental illness deserves to give themselves the chance to try this out. Get to the Bio Balance website now! And thank you for this awesome article.
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Oh and Deb you are not Crazy. Although the title is light-hearted, ‘crazy’ is really still at the core of stigma around mental illness. There are many things that are going well in your life and so many positive things to be grateful for but I hope that you can let go of that judgement or ‘feeling like you blew it’.
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I think this article is fantastic in terms of creating awareness of BPD. I just wanted to say though that sometimes the label can bring relief through knowing what is wrong but it can also make some people focus on the diagnosis and it can be overwhelming. I’m not suggesting that we live in denial but I do have a problem with labels and the difficulty that brings for some people. I believe a mental health diagnosis is a very delicate time for people and if not done properly it can lead to all sorts of problems and isolation. I would encourage people to get a second opinion if they are not sure that their diagnosis fits. People are human and do get things wrong. I also believe that not all of us fit entirely into one box.
I went through eight years of serious depression and anxiety and from that experience the main thing I take from that is that I trusted too many experts and when I should have listened to my intuition. It is not normal to be prescribed eight tablets a day when you are a teen/ early twenties and as soon as I came off of that medication the fog lifted. I was very young at the time and felt like the doctors knew what was right. Until I saw another doctor… After my experience I am deeply concerned about the state of mental health research and about treatment options. I am also concerned for people who are perhaps too trusting and who are vulnerable and don’t agree with their treatment options but feel that is normal. It can be a bit of a dysfunctional merry-go-round. I would go for as many lifestyle and alternative health options first before medication. That is just my opinion, though.
I think this article has a great message about resilience and how you can adapt to challenges in life and make the most of what you are facing. The mental health literature often talks about how people with a mental illness can struggle to keep their jobs and this is a reality for many people but I like to think that there is a way forward and this article is a great example of that. If only the stigma around employing people with mental health issues was addressed then people would feel pride and self-esteem that they are entitled to have through working and contributing to society. I do believe we are getting through that stigma with more awareness and as more people speak up.
For anyone going through BPD or any other mental health issue be kind to yourself and know that it does not mean your life will be like that forever. Sometimes is also takes persistence to really know what you need to build skills or to get the right medication or the right therapist or to even know that going to a therapist is not right for you. It can seem like a never-ending road but once you find what you need things get better.
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Anon, I agree with a lot of what you say. BPD is a little known illness, still, and the best way that a lot of psychs find to treat it, is to over medicate. When I found my current psych, who I credit with helping me become the best me yet, I was on Lithium, sleeping tablets, and a very high dose of antidepressants. This wasn’t necessary but they were trying their hardest. I had to get through this time with strategies, such as planning my day, factoring in pleasant events, trying to get exercise and do things that made me feel good about myself.
One of the first things my psych did was to slowly wean me off most of my medication. I was on nothing at all for about six months, but started crying all the time and having obsessive thoughts about self harming or hurting my son. At that time, we agreed that it was best for me to be on something. So I’m on a mild dose of antidepressant. Not because it’s the answer to all my problems, but because it gives me a small lift, which makes me able to work on my other issues. Medication is never the be all and end all, but it can be something that helps greatly. There is never this stigma around medication for a physical ailment, why for a biological/mental ailment? I have seen so many of my friends agonise over taking medication, and suffer unmeasurably. To me, whatever helps – but I agree that it’s not the solution alone.
Nobody can do it for you, and wanting that magic pill to take all your problems away is never going to happen. You are responsible for your life, and you are responsible for managing it. I am so many miles from where I was three years ago, when leaving the house was a major achievement. I never want my bpd to define me – I will never hide behind it. I take responsibility for my actions. However, it does help me give myself a break, when I revisit the DVSM and realise that this IS a disease that I am fighting against, and that I am getting better….even if I feel like I’m not.
I have another job now, in a takeaway shop and I’m using what I learnt in that last job. If I ever feel that angry again, I will walk away. It’s not worth the heartache to me and others when I let that side of me go to town. It has been nearly a month since I lost my job, and I am only just starting to forgive myself. It’ s been a hard process, but I do it better each time.
Thank you so much for your feedback and good luck with your journey!! xx
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Thankyou for this! A very honest, brilliant article
. I have also been diagnosed with BPD & resonate with everything you said!! It is a struggle and hard when the same patterns keep happening & my emotions are so overwhelming & intense. I relate to the anger! Sometimes I get SO angry and its impossible to function normally. I love your attitude and its great you have a loving husband and son 
. Oh btw are you in Sydney? If so could you recommend a psychiatrist? Thanks
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Hi Sally and others – there is help….try to find a psych who specialises in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy – this is the sort that helps us BPD-ers. I also ordered a fantastic book from Amazon.com – http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131 – this has helped me so much as well. You can do it. Feel free to add me on facebook – I’d love to help you on your journey
https://www.facebook.com/RedHairIsWickedCool
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Hey Sally – I would recommend anyone who does Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, it’s the best sort for us BPD-ers.
There is also a great book that really helps – http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131.
Best of luck with your journey – feel free to add me on facey so I can support you!
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Hmmm?!! I sound just like you!?
Well I love your honesty and humor towards mental illness, my husband is having a rough patch I’ll get him to read this, helps to feel like e is to the only one feeling like this.
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Hey Deb
RESPECT
I’m just this year UnDiagnosed with BPD
I know where you are at!
Believe me it gets better!
You learn from those things. You get to move on. You chalk it up to an experience, you learn to look back at it without wanting to hate yourself for it and next time something happens, it’s just that bit easier to deal with becuase you learnt from the last time!
Best of luck
Much love and Peace to all the Borderlines out there!
We are a wonderful, but much misunderstood breed!
x
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Thanks Michelle! How long have you been in therapy for BPD? How did you get classed as undiagnosed? That’s really exciting!
Oh and thanks everyone for the support – I feel so touched and just generally THRILLED!!
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Deb
I have been “diagnosed” for 5 years. But have been battling since I was at least 7-8 and definately since I was a teenager around 14 things started to get really bad!
I have had 2 serious suicide attempts and several aborted ones, lived through and gotten to the other side of self harm and still have my job as a high school teacher
I have had to take some time off in the five years, but I have had an amazing family who just don’t give up and I have always wanted to get better!
I think that is the key, if you work hard and want it bad enough, you will eventually get better!
So much practise.
So much hard work.
So many mistakes when I got it so very very wrong, lost a friend or many, almost lost my career, almost took my life!
Thank you so much for being open about your battle. There are not many prominant BPD’s out there. It is not really a very sexy disease…
My psychologist and I looked over the DSM earlier this year and we discussed how I did or did not stil fit into the criteria. I went from (at a very dark point) being all nine, to now only having three serious ones and one on and off criteria.
You need to be at least 5.
So there is light!
I have heard of others who have done it, I never thought I would get there. Now I’m thinking about possibly one day finding a boyfriend.
I mean, I found grey in all the black and white, surely I can find a boy to date!
Best of luck on your journey!
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Deb, I am full of admiration and encouragement for you! I think writing this piece has been a really big step forward to understanding and managing your illness. I very much relate to your words. I have suffered with depression and an eating disorders and direct all of the anger you speak about right back onto myself. It’s hard. We will get there. PS – I love toilet humour too!
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I can very much relate – although for the past decade I’ve thought that MI was the reason behind my “shortcomings” … I’ve since discovered it’s Aspergers.
(I still have issues with Anxiety/Depression, but many with Aspergers do)
I identify with much of what you said at the beginning of this post, regarding relationships, friendships, and how you feel about yourself. There are many of us out there in the same boat…
(For anyone interested, I found the book “Aspergirls” by Rudy Simone, to be very enlightening….)
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I’ve had depression for most of my life. I may also have BPD, but my doctor is not sure yet. At least, we have a plan for dealing with it. I’ve lost friends, too, because they can’t cope with my moods. As if I chose to feel like I do.
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I cannot believe this article is here in front of me on this day, today…the day that I have finally admitted to myself that maybe I need to seek help! Maybe it’s time to face the fact that I too, like my Nanna, suffer from depression!
I really associate with the feelings Deb shared – except the anger part! If anything I hide my anger in case I judged because of it! And I feel like I’m being judged quite a lot of the time. I feel like I’m never good/pretty/smart/deserving enough. I scared of putting myself out there and although I have the most wonderful husband and son, I am LONELY! I know how I feel is not right and I know I’ve just made the first step of solving my own problem…but I am so scared. What do I do next? I know I will have the support of my husband and family…maybe for today admitting I have a problem is enough! But thank you Deb for sharing your story & good luck with your journey!
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Go to your doctor and make sure they also refer you to a psychologist. Good luck. Getting help. can be so hard (been there done that) but is so so important!
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Wow. So very, very moving, Deb.
I have depression. My eldest daughter has depression (and is possibly bipolar, but we’re still working out that one). My second daughter suffers from crippling anxiety … and depression. So far my son seems to have escaped the ravages of mental illness for himself … but he’s also had to deal with the rest of us over the years.
Your piece is an articulate vision of how it can be. Thank you.
(Re not using my usual name: I have no problem identifying myself as depressed, and to my knowledge, all my friends know this is an ongoing ‘feature’ of my life. I will not, however, identify my children in this way without their permission.)
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I too suffer BPD and everything you said resonated with me in a way that I am unable to articulate myself. I was feeling uplifted until I got to the end of the article, “Deb Hay has suffered from Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder most of her life but she’s done so with the support of an extraordinarily loving family and fabulous friends.”
So Deb is not like me at all, because I have no friends left as a result of my behaviour and my family don’t ‘believe’ in mental illness, so to them I am nothing but a moody temperamental ‘poor me, woe is me’ typ who brings heartache and misery to their otherwise happy lives.
I sort of missed the gist about how and when you got help – I am at a loss who to turn to right now in my life. Maybe a link to some BPD/depression support sites/groups would be helpful. I am sick of myself so much right now and hope I can be at the point you are now at
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Lola. Go to your local Community Mental Health team. I don’t know where you live but I know our local one has a long term Dialectical Behaviour Therapy progam which has been demonstrated to be very effective for BPD. Look at the Black Dog Institute website, you might find some help there. Don’t give up – good luck. x
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Hey Lola,
Thank you so much for replying and for your honesty- BPD can be very alienating, and it can push people away. Our out of control behaviour can make it hard for people to love us. I’ve been seeking treatment for my illness for three years, and in recovery from alcoholism for nearly nine years. My family has never walked away from me, but I’ve also found acceptance and friendship in the rooms of AA and in GROW, the mental illness fellowship. I’m so sorry that you haven’t had the right support – this is not your fault. You have just met the wrong kind of people, the kind who can’t handle your mental illness or think that you’re putting it on. Persevere. You are loveable, you are worth it. Not everyone gets me and I have certainly lost my share of friends over the years. Feel free to add me on facebook – I would love to be your friend and support you xxxx
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Lola!
Don’t despair!
WE are out there to help you!
TWLOHA are a great anti-self harm group. Big in America, getting bigger here!
Try you area for mental illness support groups. There is lots of randoms in there, but everyone understands that some days life is tough and will share there experiences with you. It’s a place to go to feel normal and loved!
Reach out! online!
like the actual reach out website people. They are great and will help you get in contact with some people for help and support.
Go see your GP. You can get on a mental health plan and go see a psychologist. Mine is awesome and she has helped me over the past 5 years knock off 4 of my criteria, so i no longer present as BPD!
Yes I did it. It really does happen, you can be free.
Loads and hours of blood, sweat and tears got me to this point, but it is so so so so worth it!
please don’t feel that you are alone!
there are people out there!
you family do love you, they just don’t know how to deal with your behaviours. so maybe give them some time and space, give yourself some time to breathe and learn and then try again!!!
much love and peace for your journey!
shell
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do you happen to live in syd? could you rec your psychologist?
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Sorry I live in Gympie. A town in SE Queensland.
Best of luck in your search.
I went though several psychologists before I found one that suited me best!
Much love and hope for your journey!
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I’ve just ended a six year relationship with my partner whom I believe has this disorder, however he refused to seek medical help.
I know this is harsh, but I had to save myself and my children from this man whose life was an absolute mess – binge drinking, refusing to work, refusing to help around the house, bizarre rantings and mind boggling self-righteousness, justifying why it was okay to drink bourbon at 10am. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
He doesn’t see that he has a problem. It’s everyone else’s fault. I hope he does get help sooner rather than later, but I’ve had to ‘leave the building’ for the sake of my own mental health.
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I hear you. My last ex had BPD and anyone who can live with someone who has severe BPD deserves a medal. Sadly BPD sufferers (who don’t recognise their problem and aren’t under treatment) can be narcissistic, arrogant, volatile, manipulative, and extremely dangerous. They can also be extremely charming and vulnerable in order to win over new friends and partners. I know that my ex suffers – but she refuses to recognise she has an issue and is always bemoaning her life and wondering why everything is such a drama. It’s because she causes the drama and lives for it like a drug addict lives for heroin. She has to make every little action into her as the victim. It’s quite sad, and whilst I feel very sorry for her I no longer try to help her out. It’s like putting your hand back in a hot oven.
Good on anyone who recognises they have a problem and seek treatment. Without treatment – BPD sufferes will be miserable and by extension make their family and friends’ lives miserable too. Also BPD sufferes are something like 50% more likely to commit suicide (or try). If you want a frightening read – look up the DSMV, it’s truly enlightening.
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Yes that’s my experience exactly – ‘putting your hand in a hot oven’.
There are many posts on here about being loving and supportive – but I totally ran out of support when he raged in my face one night after consuming a whole bottle of bourbon in a matter of hours. He would drink and drive, never paid his bills, owes child support $13,000 and doesn’t care, never calls or sees his son from his first marriage, has alienated his whole family and has no friends because no one can put up with him.
He will continue to trample all over people because – as you say – he can be charming and very kind. He’s also good looking so attractive some other gullible woman probably won’t be a problem for him.
He’s too narcisstic to seek help because everyone else are the dickheads. He can go be supreme drama queen with someone else because I’m still traumatised and quite frankly, bloody relieved he’s gone.
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Lola,
I feel for you! It is so much harder without a supportive family, but they too maybe scared of what admitting your illness exists will mean. As michellepeters said: they do love you, just give them some space and use that to help yourself – you are worth it!!
Seek friends in support groups – they know and understand what you are going through, and won’t dump you just because you have a bad week.
Find a GP you like and stick with them, they can help you get a health care plan that helps with the cost of a psychologist.
Seek information and help from http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/, http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx? and http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com.au/
as a start…
I guess posting here was the start for you of finding the help and support you are looking for. You are not alone, reach out and the right people will find you!
Until then, be good to yourself, you deserve it!
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Thanks Deb, for your really honest and hopeful piece. I think this speaks to every one of us – I know that I can take inspiration from your positive words. Thanks for being brave, for getting up again and for telling us your story – every person’s story helps in the understanding of mental illness. Just thanks.
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Beautiful piece Deb.
I have suffered severe depression in my teen years due to an anxiety disorder. And I know all to well the fear of life. Just life. And it defined me. Still some days it sinks in without me noticing and I allow it to define my day or week. I have come to terms that is what I will always have be a part of me and the days of crying and asking “why me?” are over. It’s still hard. But it’s day by day.
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i absolutely loved that scene in bridesmaids! I was going through a rough patch in life and was literally so down in the dumps and having a month long pity-party for myself and then my mum took me to see that movie and i left the cinema with a complete new positive outlook on things. I just felt like the world was against me but after that scene i realised i had given the world my power and it was time to take that power back and change things i didn’t like. I watch that movie every time i start to feel down on myself and it picks me up every time. Plus its just goddamn hilarious and who doesn’t feel better after a good laugh.
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