Rihanna after Chris Brown assaulted her
by VERONICA SULLIVAN
I boycotted Chris Brown a long time ago. It was an easy option, really – I dislike his music, and I don’t often listen to the radio. So the only effect this has in practice is that if I’m out and on the dance floor, and one of his songs begins to play, it means it’s time to go and get a drink. Win/win.
More recently though, I’ve decided to cut Rihanna’s music out of my life as well. Personally, I feel that her ongoing public affection for and forgiveness of Brown is irresponsible and unhealthy. Brown brutally beat her, refused to apologise, rapped about it, and then had the image of her bruised and bloodied face tattooed on his neck – because, you know, he’s a subtle dude. Then he claimed the tattoo is actually a Día de los Muertos reference.
No. Just… no. I’m planning a sugar skull tattoo which actually is a sugar skull; I know they are beautiful, intricate symbols – not raw women’s faces that look peeled and pulped.
My decision to boycott Rihanna’s music has had very little impact on my life, for the most part. I can get by just fine without her songs. Do I make an exception for Run This Town, given that my love of Jay-Z is undimmed, and Rihanna makes only a guest appearance? No, because this isn’t a game where I look for loopholes. The only censure I’d be evading would be my own.
The other song of hers which I loved was her collaboration with Calvin Harris, We Found Love. It’s incredibly catchy, and has a gorgeously fun poseur indie film-clip. The video features Rihanna and a Chris Brown lookalike running amok and generally being the ennui-stricken, asymmetrically-haired yoof of today: making out fully-clothed in bathtubs, riding in shopping trolleys, taking prescription drugs, making out on amusement park rides, tattooing “MINE” on each other’s bums, and making out in front of fireworks. But as much as I enjoy all the flashing lights and making out I cannot and will not watch the video, or listen to the song anymore. And I refuse to feel any sadness over this lack.
Veronica’s sister.
I am boycotting Rihanna because I don’t want my younger sisters, particularly the ten year old pictured – who is wildly celebrity-obsessed – to think that she is someone to be interested in. For years, I’ve humoured my sister’s various obsessions with Disney channel personalities, bubble gum pop and reality TV show contestants. I took her to a Miley Cyrus concert which caused temporary deafness from the intensity of the crowd’s squealing.
We visited Hollywood last year, and the entire time we were in LA I thought she might pop from the constant expectation that we could bump into the stars of High School Musical, in character, at any moment. As her Christmas present, I’m taking her to see Pink. But I have been and will continue to keep her far from Rihanna’s influence to the best of my ability.
As Rihanna herself is the first to admit, she’s not a role model.
“No, no, no,” Rihanna told Oprah, on the topic of being a role model. “Because of what society has made that title. It’s become a title of perfection, and that’s something nobody can achieve.”
But in reality, she is so far beyond being able to renounce the influence she wields over her thousands of fans, many of them young girls. I believe that not only is she not a role model, but is a negative model of womanhood. She is savvy enough that, if she actually is unaware of her huge, unquantifiable impact on girls and women around the world, this can only be a deliberate and self-inflicted ignorance.
Her ongoing relationship with Chris Brown demonstrates passivity, self-abasement, and an unquestioning acceptance of his half-hearted apology for physical violence. This kind of behaviour is extremely irresponsible and potentially damaging to her fans. I’ve seen how a little girl takes on board the things celebrities say or do, often unconsciously. My sister imitates their style, mimics verbal and behavioural tics, and can recite not only song lyrics but spoken quotes of her favourite singers and actors.
Rihanna and Chris Brown
I understand (do I ever understand!) that Rihanna is young, and that she wants to live wildly and independently and get drunk and take drugs and have sex with whomever she chooses. She doesn’t want to feel that these choices have been dictated to her. But going back to Brown as though nothing happened won’t go under the radar, because THEY’RE BOTH MASSIVE CELEBRITIES.
This isn’t a secret, furtive, private abusive relationship: it has played out in the public sphere and is an openly acknowledged, thoroughly documented abusive relationship. Is she being deliberately obtuse to the repercussions of forgiving her abuser? Or is her worldview skewed by the surreality of having attained dizzying levels of success, wealth and celebrity from such a young age?
I’m wary of going down the path of Freudian analysis; it’s too reductive an explanation and too slippery a slope. But it does appear that Rihanna’s estranged father is a man of questionable moral and personal beliefs. This interview, and similar interviews he has given to numerous media outlets, demonstrate several distressing elements in his attitude to women in general and his daughter in particular. His comments on her weight (“I actually thought she was a little fat the last time I saw her”) are inappropriate, cruel and unnecessary.
His description of Brown as a “nice guy” who is “entitled to make mistakes” is even more disturbing. What values and strength of self is he imparting to his daughter? Though I continue to distance myself from Rihanna’s music, my heart is aching for her. She’s a strong, financially independent, genetically blessed, immensely talented woman, who at only 24 has already achieved incredible success. However, her career and private life are dogged by men who ought to have her best interests at heart, yet seem determined to tear her down via physical and emotional abuse.
While Chris Brown sickens me, Rihanna saddens me. There is no place in my life for the music these two create, whether on individually or together. I will make sure there is no place for it in my younger sisters’ lives either. My fix of bathing fully-clothed and kissing in front of fireworks will have to come the old-fashioned way: from real life.
This post has been republished from www.thepeach.com.au with full permission.
Comments
110 Comments so far
You are courageous Veronica, I love Rihanna’s music and frankly, don’t agree with you 100%. I think there are a lot of expectations placed on these celebrities. They are all artists and in my eyes their job is to entertain, not to become role-models when they achieve stardom. All the celebrities I followed as a teen were bad role models… sure, during my teens I may have taken cue from what they portrayed (experimenting with drugs, being provocative, using words that are not acceptable) but when it was time for me to live like an adult, I knew that the cues I should take would come from my real role models (my mother and other loved ones). I know of plenty of people who grew up listening to Guns and Roses, Whitney Houston, NWA, Led Zeppelin etc etc etc… and they are now all respectable human beings. They didn’t end up dead from overdose, they are not alcoholics and domestic violence is not something they personally know.
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his music sucks…what I have heard of it..just get him out of here…so many talent musicians in this country…chris brown is not even a musician…he is a phony,fake,baby,,untalented,,,and on his way out…in fact…most of the musicians on the main stage suck…
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In cases of domestic violence it is really important to locate the responsibility with the offender and not blame the victim. There are many reasons abused women remain in these relationships and they need our support as they have experienced often severe trauma, violence and humiliation. Domestic violence is about one partner dominating and controlling the other through a variety of means. more information is available on the White Ribbon Website. Maybe Chris Brown should take responsibility for his choice to use violence and leave her alone
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I would boycott Rihanna’s music, especially her last couple, mainly because they’re sh!t.
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Something I don’t understand but feel curious to know about is when abuse victims say he/she just does this because he/she loves me, he/she can’t help it.
I am so curious how you get to the point of believing it is a way of expressing love and passion. Also when someone is controlling and hugely possessive of their partner. It’d be good to get some insight into this, because it seems victims really feel genuine in what they are saying, and to the rest of us, it seems like a very plain justification / excuse.
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Wow what a judgemental post!,,
If you did understand you wouldn’t feel the need to write articles like this….not quite sure what the point of it was.
People have to learn their own lessons in life and you have no idea what happens behind closed doors
I think Chris Brown is a total scumbag too. But publicly bagging Rihanna won’t change that.
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Everytime Mamamia posts an article in relation to domestic violence or abuse in relationships or even discusses the Chris Brown/Rihanna saga, it is inevitable that most of the comments will mention something along the lines of : ‘someone needs to sit her down and tell her to leave’ or ‘her family need to pull her away from him’
In reality, the truth isn’t quite so clean cut or simple. I was in an abusive marriage that in all honesty, turned bad while we were still dating. Some friends and even my sister knew about the fights and how bad things could get when he lost his temper or we were not getting along, and advised me to get out. Yet, despite being an educated intelligent person who had everything going for me, I couldn’t just leave. No one knew/knows what goes on behind closed doors, and just how good things were when we weren’t fighting. I believed in all my heart that the good would outweight the bad and *I* could save it/him/our relationship. Even after he got physically abusive with me, I stayed, believing the sweet man I loved was in there somewhere and it was a one-off incident and that it wouldn’t happen again.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and when things finally hit the fan, I had no choice but to leave and divorce him. Yet, for months after, we kept in contact and limped along, trying desperately to give our relationship another shot, but things had deteriorated so badly we could’t return.The truth is, where matters of the heart are concerned, its not an easy on/off switch.
Rihanna and Chris Brown seem to have unfinished business, and the picture leak by the media made it impossible for any other alternative than for a restraining order to be put in place against him effective immediately after the incident which must have been very confusing for both of them. I remember after my husband hit me, all I wanted was an explanation as to why and closure, and to see if the person whom I loved was still in there somewhere. To be separated suddenly and so abruptly would have made the issue harder to face as you’re left with so many unanswered questions. It was only a matter of time before Rihanna and Chris Brown got back together, and only they can decide whether they will move on together or separately, and in all honesty, it is nobody’s business. Maybe the flaunting of their reconcilliation is their way of regaining a bit of power after being judged by the world and the media as either the abuser or the victim. Rihanna did say in her Oprah interview that Chris Brown is her first love, which makes it even tougher to get over, and that after the incident, she worried that the media had made him out to be a monster, which she felt was unfair and that she wanted to reach out to him as she knew he was hurting. Again, imppossible to understand what runs through someone’s mind unless you’ve been there, and even then, no two experiences are the same.
At the end of the day, everyone needs to live their own life, make the decisions they believe is right for them and to loved ones dealing with those in these situations, patience (by the bucketload!!) and non-judgemental support (the hardest!!) is what is needed..sooner rather than later, hopefully the fog will clear and they will see and accept the truth of the situation. After all, you can only take a horse to the water, you cannot force them to drink it..
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You’d have to be familiar with his music to be able to boycott it when it comes on in a club wouldn’t you? I couldn’t name any of his songs, and although I’m sure I’ve heard them, I wouldn’t know it was him singing.
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I agree, Chris Brown is scum, any man that beats a woman like that is a total waste of our oxygen. I feel sorry for Rihanna, seeking forgiveness from Browneye…whoops sorry, Brown. it is just like so many other relationships where the abused woman feels that it is her fault. I can’t believe he is still even photographed after what he did, in this day and age he should be a society reject. Not that I have heard any of either of their musical repertoire because I hate the modern electronic garbage with glorified kareoke singers and dont like rap either. Just what he did to her is sickening.
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I agree with everything you said. I regret buying her most recent album now, next time I won’t. You might consider thinking further about Pink though. Her recent song ‘Slut like you’, in my opinion, glorifies meaningless sex and is inappropriate given her fan base is largely teenage girls.
However on Rihanna, the whole thing is really sad but it could also be entirely orchestrated by their ‘people’. Rihanna, the effected and troubled young girl releases tough and edgy music. Chris Brown loses his sweet boy image and now seems more appropriate to tougher sounding music like rap. Maybe, who knows.
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Sophie – I kind of see what your saying but I’d add that I’m a 40 year old Pink Fan and I think she caters to a wider demographic than Rihanna. Also, inappropriate songs for teenagers have always been around, I grew up around classics such as ‘Boom Boom Boom let’s go back to my room’ and Billy Ocean’s ‘Get Outta My dreams, Get into my Car’ I can’t say that either of these forced me into any more risky behaviour than the next teenager at the time. A bit of common sense and good parenting is always the most important factor I think and if that’s absent, the risky behaviour is probably going to happen for reasons other than song lyrics. To be fair on Pink, her song ‘Walk of Shame’ definitely doesn’t glamorise casual sex – so maybe this balances the excellent track ‘Slut Like You’ on the same album.
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Veronica I’d also like to know if you’re going to address the tattoo issue? Does the sugar skull have cultural or religious meaning to you? This a sacred symbol for the Latina community that has unfortunately been adopted by ‘Urban Outfitters’ hipsters and MAC makeup to sell products.
It’s unfortunate that the White community seems to marginalize the Latino community (amongst other minorities) yet take on sacred and symbolic imagery as they please without regarding what this imagery means to that community.
Please don’t continue this cycle. Sure, research and appreciate the beauty of other cultures, but do not take what is not a part of yours for your own beautification.
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Firstly, please do not get a sugar skull tattoo. Unless you are Latina then it’s cultural appropration.
Secondly, why is there so much hate on Chris Brown when so many other men have done exactly the same thing? I do not agree with what he did, I find it abhorrent. But he’s certainly not the only celebrity to assault a woman.
Thirdly, Rihanna has stated that she doesn’t want the photo of herself circulated anymore. It is disrespectful to Rihanna to publish this photo, especially considering it’s obviously being used for shock value.
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I boycott most of the music that is around these days because it is shit !
No other reason required.
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Oh ! Why not just boycott the music of everyone who at some stage has not been or is currently not the image of a perfect role model ?
Your iPod would be empty !
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Of course Black women are given few choices in white supremacist societies:
1. Mammy where we wipe the arses of white PEOPLE, including forever tending to your feelings and insecurities, the latter which you forever project onto us. White women try to make us into their mammies too.
2. Be a hero like Oprah where middle-class women can learn from us and put us on ridiculous pedestals for their own self-improvement but the solidarity goes when it really comes down to it — and especially when Black heroines are supposed to put gender first.
3. Angry Black Women/Scary Black Women/Bad Black Women — I will skip the first two for now, some of you will typify their construction in responses
…but the Bad Black Woman gives white people and white women in particular, a chimera to measure yourselves against and to feel superior to, while showing ‘concern’.
Obviously the director of this site and the writer do not care about Rihanna with the reproduction of her photo post-violence which as she has articulated herself, she felt horrified and embarassed and EXPOSED when it came out.
…But yes maybe on the back of a Black woman, this is an opportunity to teach (!) other women and girls what happens during domestic violence. When Black women and girls are more likely to be abused and raped in the U.S. but if any of you white women and feminists write about rape or domestic violence, do you touch on Black women as VICTIMS or do you only write about racialised abusers who supposedly are all after white women?
But back to the three examples up there: if we are none of those, none of you want anything to do with us because of course we are too complex and we don’t fit into your little boxes. We are human beings with different life experiences and most importantly feelings and the capacity to reason. I am sketchy of Chris Brown too — but to single Rihanna out, when Mia Freedman as editor of Cosmopolitan put Pamela Anderson, another survivor of domestic violence, on its cover in the early ’00s is anti-Black and misogynistic.
All domestic violence survivors should be supported.
Black women are women, we are HUMAN and we do NOT LIVE FOR ANY OF YOU.
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Thank you! I love how the author failed to speak of any other men (white men) in Hollywood who have abused women. What about Sean Penn? Do not criticise the victim because you FEEL like you know the story.
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Veronica, not to make an assumption but your surname is Sullivan-do you have any Mexican or Hispanic connection to Dia de Los Muertos? My family is of Spanish heritage and we this symbol is very personal to us. I appreciate that you find the sugar skull beautiful (it really is!) but if you have no heritage or blood connection to it I’d really urge you to rethink having this tattoo done. It is cultural appropriation, and it was upsetting enough to have MAC makeup use the symbol as a commercial means of making some money.
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what relevance do sugar skulls have in your life exactly? not everything is just a pretty image for thoughtless people to mine and use as they will without any thought as to what this would mean to people whose culture you’re appropriating.
also the judgmental, victim-blaming tone of this article is honestly gross and you should probably learn to think before you speak.
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This seems to be a poorly thought out article. One, like many readers have pointed out, you’re not doing anyone any favours in your attempt to ‘boycott’ Rihanna’s music due to the fact that she’s chosen to return to Chris. Feminism and isn’t about other women blaming and ostracising each other’s bad decisions. It’s about understanding and asking why this is so. Your article seems to perpetrate that same stereotype of women who return back to violent relationships as ‘weak’. Also, I have no idea how you could possibly justify that she’s in any way a good role model for your sister? If you have the gumption to write an article championing women’s issues and giving solutions, then you’d probably have the time to sit your little sitter down to talk about women’s issues and giving her real role models to look up too.
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Boycotting music seems pointless in this situation.
Sadly, I can see nothing good come from this relationship with Chris Brown.
My only concern is that Rihanna escapes from his emotional clutches… safe and more importantly alive.
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Obviously, there’s a lot of psychological stuff going on and we can’t blame her and call her an idiot who deserves what she gets. It’s not that simple and it certainly isn’t her fault. However, she is a role model, no matter how much she might deny it, simply because she has so many young and adoring fans. What message does her highly impressionable yet old enough to understand fans get from her highly publicised relationship with Brown? That it’s ok to let a man treat you like that? I think it’s fair enough to prevent your daughters/sisters/nieces from listening to her music if it means they won’t be influenced by her personal life.
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I’m incredibly disappointed with Mamamia’s decision to publish this post.
This article encourages readers to blame the victim – to punish someone who has experienced domestic violence and decided to return to the relationship.
This is an incredibly unhelpful and damaging narrative to promote. Firstly is shifts our focus from what we should be concerned with, ending domestic violence (want to get published Veronica? Write about this: http://www.parliament.nsw.gov.au/Prod/parlment/committee.nsf/0/2340ACAD17F1E8C4CA257A6700149EFD?open&refnavid=CO5_1). Secondly, commentary like this only further marginalises and humiliates women who, for a variety of reasons, stay in violent relationships.
Mamamia is a site targeted at women with feminist editors and contributors. I expect better.
PS. Veronica, life advice: if you want your sister to grow up happy, healthy and adjusted, don’t let her model herself on ANY pop star. Just sayin.
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I completely agree.
I have a sister who took months, with lots of support to finally leave an abusive relationship. People in these relationships need trust and support, not judgement.
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Absolutely agree Gabe. This kind of victim shaming perpetuates stereotypes, and does nothing to address the issue of violence against women. I hope that someone will be writing a response for the site to this.
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Don’t blame the victim.
It takes an average of seven attempts to leave a violent relationship. I am not shocked that a young impressionable woman has been unable to make the break.
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These people are entertainers. They entertain. If you don’t like their music, don’t listen to it. “Boycotting” their music… that’s hilarious.
Chris beat Rihanna senseless and she is stupid enough to want him in her life. That is truly their business. Everyone has an opinion about their relationship. The worst thing they are doing is parading every single day they’re together when they should work out whatever they work out in private.
I have a friend who was beat by her husband many times. She never left him. Now they have 3 kids together. I don’t know if he’s still beating her, but years ago when I took her to hospital, I told her if she went back to him I could never see her again, incase he was there. She understood. But I don’t “boycott” her from talking to me.
Get a life, and stop being so involved in other people’s. Each person has the right to do what they want and hopefully they will learn from their mistakes… eventually.
And for the record, I think Chris Brown is super talented. I don’t think he’s a great human being, but he has been blessed with a great voice.
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And great autotune.
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No, he’s been blessed with great auto-tune technicians
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Great autotune helps, but I’ve heard him live – before he beat Rihanna and focused on music and he was great. It’s a shame the drugs got to him!
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I boycotted her music a long time ago! Not because of Chris Brown but because I think she’s irresponsible, reckless, slutty (sorry but she is) and trying to be provocative on purpose to cause drama. Posting pictures alluding to drug use etc is revolting! I think her “I don’t care” attitude is also one of her major downfalls.
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Same here. She behaves disgustingly. I wish she’d realise she has more to offer than her scantily clad pics
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I think Rihanna is a bit lost and I feel pretty sad for her. As many commenters have noted, some women in abusive relationships return to their abusers due to a host of issues relating to poor self esteem, manipulation and control. It sounds like her family isn’t as supportive and nurturing as they could be, and that might be part of the reason for her.
As a separate issue, she also seems to be reliant on sex as currency, judging by her lyrics and video clips (although some of this might be “branding” by her manager and record company, rather than driven by herself).
I wouldn’t want my daughters looking up to her as a role model because I want them to feel empowered and confident and I don’t think Rihanna reinforces empowerment or confidence, rather than because she returned to an abusive relationship (although her return to that relationship reinforces my belief that she’s lacking power and confidence).
I don’t think she should be blamed for wanting to work stuff out with her abuser, or reach a place where she feels peace and calm about what happened with him. Relationships are messy and complex, especially abusive ones, and she’s very young to have her shit sorted. I also think boycotting her music because of her personal life is a bit of an odd move.
However, I agree with Veronica that she’s a role model whether she likes it or not and trying to weasel out of it by saying “I didn’t want this” is disingenous – young girls will continue to look up to her regardless, so she would be better to accept that it comes with the territory (along with the fame, the wealth, the adulation, and all the rest of it). I also think saying “Give me my privacy” while posting pictures of your half-naked abusive boyfriend on Twitter is a bit silly.
I think this article was really well -written and thought-provoking, even though I didn’t agree with all of it. I like Veronica’s style and I hope to see more of her on MamaMia.
Although I agree with their thoughts in principle, I think some of the “don’t judge her” brigade were a little harsh in their responses.
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Couldn’t agree more. With everything!
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Last year when Chris Brown visited my city, I was at a restaurant on a Saturday night and he + his posse were due to turn up after his concert to an after party at the bar next door. You should have seen the under 21 and possibly under 18 ‘fresh meat’ that were hired/ invited, all wearing what I can only describe as porn-o-rific outfits. It was St Kilda and I’m sure that even the local prostitutes would have felt shocked. It wasn’t a healthy celebration of young and glowing good health, it was a parade of sleaze and groupies. No wonder the guy has issues if he’s constantly surrounded by these overtly sexualised and overly-available accommodating women. What a skewed view of the world he must have, not to mention his entitlements within it.
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This was a great article, and such an interesting read. I can’t say I agree though.
What Chris Brown has done to Rihanna is absolutely reprehensible and I’m really sad to see that this talented young woman is so in love with a violent d*ckhead.
But we don’t address the issue of violence against women by ostracising the woman involved and labeling her a bad role model because of who she loves and because she is trapped in a cycle of violence.
Chris Brown is the one at fault here and while it’s desperately depressing that the couple have reunited – we don’t get anywhere by boycotting Rhianna’s music. What would I say to my little sister? That Rhianna is a woman who deserves our sympathy and who we hope has people around her who will help her to get out of an abusive situation.
Also, Chris Brown’s music is crap and Rhianna’s is rad.
So there’s that too…
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My thoughts exactly.
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TOTALLY AGREE.
She is the victim in this situation. She doesn’t deserve to be punished any further, just helped and supported.
It makes me so sad.
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I agree that she probably shouldn’t be boycotted on the basis of being a victim of domestic violence, but I do think that Rihanna makes some terrible choices that I don’t want my kids looking to as prudent.
Naked pics, celebrating ‘thug life’, broadcasting images of herself smoking pot and she seems very superficial with all these selfies and yes, choosing to go back to Chris Brown is dumb with a capital D. These things aren’t overly bad, but Rihanna, do these things in PRIVATE!
Taken as a sum total, I’m prettty grateful that it’s likely that Rihanna will be out of the spotlight by the time my kid are seriously consuming music.
I also don’t think that you could call her ‘trapped’. Rihanna is very wealthy and has a team of people helping her on a daily basis. She’s not trapped, she’s made a silly decision. You can’t compare Rihanna’s plight to abused women who are isolated and without independent income.
So, I’ve made the decision to stop illegaly downloading* both Chris Brown and Rihanna’s music. That’ll show ‘em.
*I don’t actually have any of their music.
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i dont think the writer was unsympathetic to rihanna, but rather just sees her as having extra responsibility to act with strength and surety given her celebrity and position as a role model.
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As much as I think it’s an absolute disgrace that she’s with that feral excuse for a human being, I don’t think she should be judged. We have no idea what her mental health is like, what sort of drugs she’s on etc..
She’s not the first woman to go back to a man who has abused her and probably won’t be the last, but I don’t think blaming the victim is a good road to go down.
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I don’t get the attraction to him (in regards of Rhianna or anyone) at all. Maybe he has a huge clock?
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Ding dong!
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I think what is more interesting about this piece and the comments it has generated – is when did it stop being ok to have an opinion about something? The author is sharing her opinion on a situation, and her actions as a result of that opinion. It’s interesting that whilst some of the comments left here are suggesting we shouldn’t be judging Rihanna for her choice – they seem ok to judge the article author on her choice.
Whilst we might not agree with the decisions of others – I believe it’s everyone’s right to hold and opinion and share it. Disagree with someone – but don’t tell them that they are wrong. Simply sharing an idea isn’t forcing that thought process/action on someone else.
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People are free to hold their opinions and others are equally free to comment on those opinions, and yes, criticise them.
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My point is – I think there is a difference between ‘criticise’ and ‘disagree’…
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So if someone disagrees with something — especially a piece of writing meant to attract comments and exposure, they’re just supposed to say ‘I disagree’ and not criticise it? What?
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No – disagree and explain why you don’t agree. But don’t tell someone their opinion is wrong because you don’t agree.
There is a big difference between discussion and criticism.
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I was in an abusive (physically, verbally, sexually and emotionally) relationship for three years, during which I made multiple attempts to leave but never could quite break away. It took him nearly killing me before my family stepped in. I feel appalled that you blame Rihanna for staying in a relationship when you clearly have no idea how difficult it can be to leave that person. They end up having a kind of control over you that someone who has not been in that situation could not understand. I feel a terrible sadness for Rihanna that she cannot seem to break away either, but I will not blame the victim here. If you choose for your siblings or children to boycott her music, it should be because it is overly sexualized and inappropriate for young children, not because she is a victim of an abusive relationship.
I now teach kindergarten, does the fact that I continued to go back to my abusive boyfriend for years mean that I am not a good role model to my class?
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I’ll bite. It would depend. I get the whole control thing and that it’s not as easy as many people suggest to get out of an abusive relationship but (and I’m not suggesting you did this) if you were telling your kindy kids that domestic violence was no big deal, that it’s something men do, that it’s only because he loved you, apparently approving of him turning up to your workplace and abusing you etc, then yes, at some stage the importance of not sending the wrong messages to your class means you shouldn’t be teaching kindy (or in the case we are discussing, singing to an audience of impressionable young girls).
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Since when has Rihanna said that domestic violence is no big deal or anything like that? Since when is a kindy teacher going to talk extensively to her students like that?
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But does the fact Rihanna was abused mean she isnt a good entertainer/musician? No. Just like the fact you were abused doesn’t mean you’re a bad kindy teacher. Your job and your personal history should be separate.
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Rihanna is the victim here – I will not judge her for what happened to her.
She may have gone back to him, but I think you’ll find a lot of women do to back to their abusers. We need to not blame these women, but blame the men who put them in the awful position in the first place.
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I’m boycotting Rihanna because she sounds like a strangled cat and I think she’s generally a bit of a tool.
Note : her name is spelled incorrectly in the headline – it’s Rihanna
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I don’t understand why Chris Brown and Rhianna seem to cop so much flack!! Yes, what he did was disgusting and wrong. And yes, Rhianna seemingly forgiving him is probably quite damaging to a lot of victims of abuse. They’re both terrible role models.
But what about all the other numerous men AND women in Hollywood who ARE in the spotlight as much as these two, that nobody seems to give a fuss about? The men and women that have attacked assistants, paparazzi, partners, prostitutes. Look at Charlie Sheen, still on TV, raking in the cash and views. Why isn’t everyone going on about boycotting him as well?
I do agree that Chris Brown and Rhianna deserve to be boycotted, I really do. But I just believe that there can’t be different rules for different celebrities…
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On the subject of boycotts and physical abuse I have been boycotting Mel Gibson for some time now. Just how many people does he have to verbally abuse, threaten and physcally beat until he stops being given lucrative Hollywood roles? And it’s not like it’s heresay. He’s been recorded being a sexist, homophobic, racist asshole so many times I have lost count.
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Rihanna has had little impact on my life, I find her music irritating and am saddened by the fact she is the current role model for young girls.
But I feel I may have been wrong. If you missed her final song at the Victoria Secret 2012 show, you missed a true artist and entertainer at work. She was Ahhhhmazzzing! Such a talent.
Hey, I grew up with Madonna in her more experimental days and it didn’t want me to walk down the street naked or try bondage, it was pure entertainment. Maybe that’s all it is.
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Lovely. A quick question though; will you cut your sister off the same way you are cutting Rihanna’s music out of your life if she becomes involved in an abusive relationship or will you try to educate yourself about the dynamics of intimate partner violence and offer her unwavering support? To me is seems you are essentially declaring anyone in an abusive relationship unworthy of support. Don’t you think that attitude might rub off on your sister, so that she knows you aren’t the person to go to if a partner is violent?
Please remember that perpetrators of intimate partver violence do not run around with the words ‘WIFE BEATER’ tattooed on their foreheads. Nor do they generally become violent at the first encounter, because that would send possible partners running for the hills. Intimate partner violence is slow and insidious and you can find yourself trapped and wonder how you got where you are. As for going back to an abuser… can you turn love off so easily? You would want to do anything you could to help a partner who is in trouble, especially one who makes all the right noises. Why should those who have abusive partners be any different.
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I read this post and quite frankly it saddened me. I hope you don’t fall from your high horse… that high up you might injure yourself quite badly.
1. unless Sugar Skulls are a part of your culture getting a tattoo of one is cultural appropriation.
2. how dare you judge someone in the way you’ve judged Rihanna? Many people return to abusive relationships and there is plenty of research behind why… how about you read some of it… it might cure you of some of that ignorance you’ve spouted in this article.
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I think it’s funny that you accuse Veronica of being up on her high horse and are then by turns haughty “cultural appropriation!!” and thundery “HOW DARE YOU..?”
For what it’s worth, if Veronica has a sister who is ten she is probably rather young herself (late teens? Early twenties?) and therefore is likely to have a perspective which may change as she gains more life experience.
Personally, I think Veronica’s problem with Rihanna does not seem to stem from a victim-blaming kind of mentality, but rather from the message she sends (being a rich, lauded, popular and aspirational figure in the public eye with legions of pre-pubescent fans) to young girls.
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I hope veronica reconsiders the sugar skull tattoo she is planning if it’s not part of her culture or heritage. It is cultural appropriation, and tattoos are permanent.
I find it almost laughable and hard to take veronica seriously when she is planning something like this, while also taking it upon herself to judge and victim blame Rihanna.
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Yes she could have it removed, but why go to all that effort and pain to plan it out if she’s only going to have it taken off in a few years?
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How is pointing out Cultural Appropriation ‘Haughty’? As an Aboriginal person I see my culture being appropriated and misused all over the place. it’s disgusting and a form of colonialism.
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Commenter Eve is using the tone argument to dismiss anything you had to say in the original point. Derailing for dummies 101.
Apparently us POC just have to get used to our cultures being appropriated.
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how dare we POC’s object to the further degradation of our cultures when it’s for non-POC’s ‘harmless’ fun right? lol
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and how dare we speak out about it?! no, cultural appropriation can happen as long as white people take what they want, when they want! regardless of what culture the minority was forced to take on during colonialism, white culture can pick and choose and try on whatever culture they want! and people of colour must remain quiet about it! how are we rock the boat and tell them to stop enjoying their white privilege!
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Good on you Veronica. Your sister sounds so gorgeous and impressionable and its important that you are able to guide her and teach her. I have a much yoounger sister and I tried to do the same when she was young.
For those of you who say this article shows no compassion to those who’ve been in abusive relationships, I don’t really think it has to. Veronica is showing compassion and protectiveness to her sister, so that she may never find herself in such a situation.
I was in a terribly abusive relationship from when I was 17. I would go out with bruises that I failed to cover up with makeup and clothing and not one of my friends tried to tell me what was wrong with this. It was the group I was in; we were young and we thought (to a degree) that violence between couples equalled passion and was therefore something private and even exciting. How stupid!! We ignored it, and for the life of me I can’t think why we felt that way.
I do understand the dynamic between Rhianna and Chris Brown, and it saddens me deeply. However, it is astounding that apparently no one in Rhiannas camp (her parents, her closest girlfriends, her advisers etc) is trying to force an end to this relationship. Looking back, when I was being abused, it would have meant the world for someone to sit me down and tell me how wrong it all was. I don’t know I would have taken it, but I’m sure on some level I would have listened.
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Maybe Rhianna does not want to be a Matyr (sp??) for victimhood.
Maybe people should take responsibility for whatever decisions they make and not blame some person on the otherside of the world who (very likely) could not give a crap about them for the decisons that they make just because they happen to be famous.
Maybe people should work on their self-esteem instead of expecting the rest of the world to save them from themselves. (You might say this is victim blaming, but I would call it empowerment).
Yes, Rhianna is a tart. Yes, Chris Brown is a douchebag for what he did. But if they do not want to dwell on it, neither am I. As someone who has never paid for their music, I am not going to go on a public crusade to boycott something I never listened to, as I’m not one for drama and attention seeking, let alone someone else’s!!!
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I agree. It’s very sad.
And to have it so publicly accepted… this cannot be a good thing. What kind of message does this send to other people who may be in a bad relationship?
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I’m really sad for her (and disappointed) that she’s back with CB (who apparently is openly dating someone else at the same time – classy move, you prick…agh, whatever!), but most people make stupid decisions when it comes to love at some stage in their life – that’s why they call it being “crazy” in love. You do illogical, stupid things that make no sense. And that’s putting aside the whole battered women’s syndrome cycle of being unable to quit their abuser. I understand that that’s all very complicated, and unfortunately for her she’s having to play out something extremely difficult and personal in a very public sphere.
HOWEVER, the thing she has complete control over, in a rational, practial way, is her music. So she was assaulted by her partner – fine, that’s absolutely terrible. Then she goes and sings songs about loving being in a DV relationship (eminem sings “next time she f***ing leaves again I’m going to tie her to the bed and set the house on fire” while she replies “…that’s alright, because I love the way it hurts”), and about loving violence during sex (her song s&m).
I’m all for sexual experimentation and self expression – but do so responsibly, in a way that only effects you. If you KNOW you’re incredibly influential over thousands upon thousands of pre-teens and teens, then WHY is the message that you want to send to them that sex and violence should be intertwined, and that violence in a relationship equals intensity and romance. ESPECIALLY if you’re a victim of DV, and the world is looking to you as an example of a DV survivor. The message she sends with those songs is “yeah, but I really liked it, because our relationship is just so heated and intense that sometimes he beats the shit out of me because we just get so fired up about each other. It’s all good.” Thanks for the message, I hope all the tween CB/Riri fans hear it loud and clear, so they know that if they’re bfs hit them it just means they’re passionate about them.
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I’m curious to know if you’re also boycotting films/tv featuring other men (and women) who’ve committed abusive crimes like this? Actors like Sean Penn, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and Michael Fassbender come to mind.
I have no problem with you boycotting Chris Brown, so long as you acknowledge and boycott other men who’ve also committed abusive crimes.
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Clem Ford wrote an excellent piece (I believe) on why this happens… big surprise it has an awful lot to do with skin colour.
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It’s 100% to do with skin colour. The OP’s prejudice is showing through big time. I will never, ever condone the actions of Chris Brown but he has been put through a trial by media that no other Hollywood star has been put through and the only difference is skin colour.
If the OP wants to boycott people who’ve committed domestic violence who aren’t good role models, she needs to stand up and boycott ALL of them, not just one who seems to be the token punching bag for society/the media whenever it comes to domestic violence.
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ash, a lot of people went off Mel Gibson (for example). I hadn’t heard anything about Michael Fassbender, or anything recent about Sean Penn.
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i don’t see the point in blogging publicly about boycotting someone whose committed abusive crimes without taking into consideration other men who’ve committed them as well.
the charges against micheal fassbender were allegedly dropped in 2009/2010 because his partner at the time didn’t want to affect his chances of being able to get a visa entry into the USA and ruin his career. the charges were withdrawn but an avo remained in place.
if we’re going to talk about recent, the chris brown incident occured in 2009, yet charlie sheens most recent domestic abuse allegation was in 2011.
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“i don’t see the point in blogging publicly about boycotting someone whose committed abusive crimes without taking into consideration other men who’ve committed them as well.”
So unless a post discusses everything possible which is related, it shouldn’t be made at all? That’s like saying to someone who blogs about destruction of Tasmanian old-growth forests, ‘Oh noes, you’re not talking about deforestation in the Amazon, how very dare you!’.
I didn’t bother mentioning Charlie Sheen because I didn’t think anyone took him seriously. I’m also old enough to remember his DV assault allegations dating back to when Chris Brown was probably still in nappies.
And whil we’re about it, since when did anti-racism only extend as far as concern for the accused abuser and not the victim?
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I think it’s great the OP wants to be a role model of her little sister, but why is she singling out chris brown for it? Why not also include other men who have committed horrible abusive crimes as well? Again I do not condone chris brown, or his seemingly sexist unapologetic attitude, but this blog post is one of many articles online and in print that have vilified chris brown as if he were the only scum to commit domestic abuse, while also ignoring the crimes of other Hollywood actors.
I could hardly say Charlie Sheens career has been affected by his abuse, sure his reputation has been tainted but he’s gone on to make appearances in films, and signed on to a new TV show. This is just another example why if the OP wants to boycott a criminal why isn’t she being inclusive of more, not just Chris Brown when it’s clear Hollywood is happy to turn a blind eye, and Charlie Sheens television show is airing in Australia and has yet to be axed.
Rihanna has been subject to racism along with victim blaming for the way she’s handled herself and the decisions she’s made since the event took place. I don’t agree with this nor have I perpetuated this. I don’t see what point you’re trying to make since I’m not defending nor making racist comments against Rihanna.
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Maybe because Chris Brown and Rihanna are both young and constantly in the public eye, therefore people in their teens and 20s are influenced by them. They generate interest from media as a result.
Charlie Sheen? Most young people don’t care about him at all, he is not influencial. He is viewed as a joke. Young people do not look up to him, even if they did watch 2 and a half men.
The other examples you provided are all of people who I would say young people do not care about. Ask a 15 year old who Sean Penn is, you might get a confused look!
Also I believe anger management is shown very late at night now, so Australians can’t be loving the show too much or it would be prime time.
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Oh no, what did Michael Fassbender do???? I’m going to be devastated, but now I need to know.
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He ‘allegedly’ broke his then girlfriends nose.
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Kind of the same way Matt Newton was forgiven and described after beating Brooke Satchwell…and then look what happened.
Back on Chris Brown, last year my company was asked to promote his new album. I politely declined.
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I found this article typical of people who have never been in an abusive relationship. Life is not that black and white. Webaremot in her relationship and do not know how reformed or not Chris Brown is. Air also reeks of victim blaming and I really don’t have time for that.
I don’t need to boycot her music as I have never liked it it he first place as I find her over sexualised and inappropriate for children anyway.
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I agree, I think the OP skips over the complications of the cycle of abuse and the impact on the victim. It’s never black and white no matter how much we wish the victim would walk away.
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Welcome to the real world – I love Rihanna. I don’t care if she had a relationship with someone who assaulted her, that’s none of my business. I don’t care if she wears reveavling outfits – I think she looks sexy and gorgeous. There’s nothing wrong with that. She is a confident young woman who doesn’t give a f*^# what you or I think of her, and I admire that. For all we know, she could be the most loving, kind-hearted and generous person we would ever come across. You don’t know her – stop judging.
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Being the victim of your partner’s physical assault and then continuing a relationship with that person doesn’t exactly demonstrate “confidence” to me.
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“You don’t know her – stop judging.”
You don’t know her either, so how can you be so sure she’s confident?
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I agree – most of these posters are assuming they know the intricacies of this relationship when none of us do. It is not so simple – that he’s an “abuser” (he snapped one time, in the six years he’s been in relationships) and a jerk, and she’s weak and/or stupid for wanting to re-connect. There’s many layers to these long relationships. And its not fair to dismiss her music as slutty, based in a number of raunchy songs. Her two current singles are straightfoward about love’s highs and lows, with NO allusions to sex.
Life is complicated, especially when come from broken homes and you grow up in the limelight of fame. I check myself when I’m tempted to pass judgement on their decisions and behavior. We are not inside their relationship and we don’t know what is pushing and pulling them – or why. THey both have expressed that their relationship is a stressful and confusing, but let them sort it out. I think its happening; they now appear to be throwing in the towel and walking away from it. I hope that sticks.
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Stop judging the whole thing – a complex six year relationship between two people we don’t really know well, nor do we know the real intricacies of the relationship. We know the media blasts the loudest ones. Chris actually spent all of 2009 apologizing, via numerous interviews on radio, BET and GoodmorningAmerica, but the hate has not and will never stop. I say don’t pass smug judgment on Rihanna OR Chris Brown.
PS Slutty music? Her two current hits are striclty about the highs and lows of love, with no reference to sex. And dismissing him as an abusive douchebag is unfair, when he has had ONE violent outburst in the six years he has been in relationships with women.
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I think this post underplays the psychological and emotional factors that influence why someone goes back into an abusive relationship.
Often, an abuser is a charismatic, charming person. It’s one of those ‘when it’s good, it’s amazing, when it’s bad it’s terrible’ type situations. 98% of the time, Chris Brown is probably woo-ing Rihanna and being quite a nice, charming gentleman. Such is the way of many abusive relationships.
I think you’d be better off teaching your younger sisters how to respect themselves, and how to make sure other people respect them as well. Teach them to demand to be treated well, teach them that there are areas of grey, and that sometimes, when you’re on the inside of an abusive relationship, when you’re emotionally involved, sometimes things are more difficult to see clearly.
I don’t think keeping them away from Rihanna’s music does anything valuable for your sisters. I think talking to them about the issues you feel are important would do the most.
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love this. exactly right. It’s not your job to judge other people as role models, but to make sure those in your life who are impressionable are informed to make the right decisions
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Honestly, I am more surprised that anyone is shocked by Rihanna going back to Chris Brown? Haven’t we heard this about abused women time and time again? They leave and then, for whatever reasons, they return. Some stay away for good but it’s often after trying to leave more than once before. It’s upsetting to see Rihanna return to Chris, just like it’s upsetting to see any abused partner return to their abuser.
Boycott? Well, I don’t know. I don’t feel like freezing someone out is likely to make them leave their partner (not that Rihanna is really aware of your boycott). It’s likely to make them more defensive, to justify their choice. This is what you see with Rihanna saying “he’s a nice guy” and “everyone makes mistakes”.
In any case, a boycott would be pointless for me, because I can’t stand either Chris Brown’s or Rihanna’s music. They’ve never earned a cent from me and that will continue. Kind of like my Mel Gibson boycott, when I don’t think I’ve actually ever enjoyed any of his movies anyway.
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I find Rihanna’s music way too sexual for my kids to listen to. I don’t even think teenagers need to hear her singing about S & M. Her songs get lots of radio play, so I have to be quick to change it!
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They are this generation’s Whitney and Bobby. You just know it’s all going to end in disaster.
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Ditto – that is 101 per cent what I was about to type before I thought: no, I will see if anyone else came to the same conclusion & posted it. And here you are.
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Or Ike and Tina Turner
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As a person who, at a very young age, was in a physically violent relationship I can hardly express my sadness at Rhianna’s behaviour. The first time I heard their duet “nobodies business” last year I started weeping in the car – something that was very confusing for my (very kind and gentle) current partner.
Once I made the decision to leave the violent relationship I was in years ago I thought that was it – the bad part was over. However years later I was proved wrong. I found out through a friend that he had started seeing another girl and that she was displaying the same behaviour I had displayed when he was hurting me – withdrawn, not speaking with friends or family, wearing clothing covering up as much skin as possible. I suddenly realised that not reporting or reacting to his behaviour didn’t only effect me but a long line of other woman who were now at risk of suffering through the same thing. By not holding him accountable for his actions, I allowed him to keep treating other girls the same way.
By continuing to associate with Chris Brown, by publicly saying that she loves and forgives him, Rhianna is committing the same crime but on a much larger scale. She’s perpetuating the idea that physical violence in a relationship is not a big deal, is something which can be forgiven and something women (or men) can just get over. She chose a life in the public eye, no one forced her there, and that means she should have the responsibility to realise the influence of her decisions and make them accordingly.
This article for me was just heartbreaking: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/19/fashion/19brown.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0. It depicts an interview with two teenage girls on the incident, saying “Should he be punished? No, said the girls, whose names were withheld at the request of the school. After all, they said, Rihanna seemed to have reconciled with Mr. Brown. “So he shouldn’t get into trouble if she doesn’t feel that way,” one girl said. “She probably feels bad that it was her fault, so she took him back.”
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yes and there are teen girls who tweet him saying:
‘ you can beat me up anytime Chris xxxooo ‘ Honestly.
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