by DEB HAY
One day at a time, the days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years.
Yes. They do.
So what’s different today?
I have been married for nearly eight years. (That whole thing about not getting into a relationship when you first get sober? Totally ignored that. Met Richard when I was 3 weeks sober. I looked upon our meeting as my reward for not drinking. It is a lot easier to focus on your recovery when you’re not in a new relationship, but that’s why everyone gets into one. We don’t want to focus on us when we could be focusing on something else – food, smoking, another person? Lucky for me that Richard was Mr Right, and is along for the long haul. He’s been my rock.)
I have a five and a half year old son. His name is Alex. He is beautiful. Today, when I wake up, I know that I won’t have embarrassed him with my drunken antics, I won’t have endangered his life by driving drunk. I may embarrass him in other ways, but at least I don’t have to worry about the ones that I can’t remember.
When I have a good time, it’s real, and not the product of a glass of alcohol. It’s a lot harder to have a good time when you’re sober, cause alcohol is a magic carpet ride into the land of “gee whiz, everyone is HILARIOUS tonight!!” Everything seems funny until you wake up with vomit all over your new jacket, no money, the car parked at a crazy-jaunty angle in the car park and a sense of dread at the missing hours in the night that enabled you to get grass stains on your back. Yes, it takes more effort to have fun without alcohol. But it’s real, and it lasts.
I have a good relationship with my family these days. I particularly have a friendship with my sisters, instead of always needing to be rescued by them. My approach to family occasions would be something like the line in that song “I love the good times that you wreck…” I could be counted on to pick a fight, to get too drunk, to show up with only half an hour’s sleep and a massive hangover, reeking of alcohol. The fact that I have my sisters back is proof of their capacity to forgive and my capacity to change. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been so worthwhile. My parents and I have a better relationship too, I am more able to look after myself and others than to always be the one needing scraping off the road.
I respect myself these days. Don’t get me wrong – I desperately miss alcohol sometimes. I miss the ease that it gave me, I miss the ways in which I could be the life and soul of the party. But, the buzz I got from alcohol was shifty. I could never predict which nights would be the “wooohooo sister, we is having fuuuuun” and which nights would be the “you skanky ho, get away from my (ex)boyfriend, imma punch you in the stomach”. And no, I didn’t ever get violent when I drank … but that didn’t stop me from copping a punch in the guts once when an equally drunken lass didn’t appreciate me giggling and dancing with her ex boyfriend.
I started to become less trustworthy. I took to drunk driving. I took to getting friendly with inappropriate men. All the people I hung out with went home and I started hanging out with the hard party crew. And, as your parents would tell you – guess what comes with the hard party crew? DRUGS! Drugs are bad, mmmkay? Although they seem like fun when you’re drunk. I was such a try hard, chameleon, trying to fit in with the people who I thought were the coolest. So when the people I hung around with started talking about drugs, I took on the lingo, and became so good at it, that everyone thought I was a speed freak. What a compliment, eh? So, when a cool guy offered me a line of speed at a party, thinking it wasn’t my first … I felt so complimented that I had to accept. Are you surprised that I was a natural? They couldn’t believe that it was my first time. And that made me feel like I was good at something. Good at taking drugs? What a talent.
I was starting to lose myself in the last days of my drinking. I felt like I was walking a line between a semblance of sanity, and tipping off into la la land. That could have been the pills I was taking when my new friends brought them out. I still like club music, but if I ever hear any songs about “I was so f#$ked up”, it gives me the chills and I have to change the channel. That’s what it’s like… everyone comparing how out of it they are, and how wasted they are, how they can’t see and it’s sooooo cooool to be so wasted. Did you know that you grind and grit your teeth when you are on drugs? it’s really bad for your teeth. One of my friends, a hairdresser, had to have a few of her teeth removed cause of the drugs…. and I have a missing tooth that reminds me of the ways that I started to neglect myself.
I’d always, always wake up feeling awful, alone and dreadful. Ashamed, guilty, dreadful. None of my other friends seemed to feel the same way, or if they did, were waaaaaaay in denial. I knew things were bad when, after a particularly bad bender on a pill (which I didn’t want to take until I got drunk), I couldn’t leave the house. I hadn’t driven, I had the car there, I could have walked to the shops. But I couldn’t physically leave the house. It was like the paranoia and guilt were weighing down on me and stopping me from getting out. I didn’t feel safe. I had no choice but to eat my flatmate’s chocolates. This caused trouble, as it would. But I felt it was justifiable. My behaviour was out of control. My housemates staged an intervention. I cried and told them it was none of their business.
I kept on drinking and dabbling in drugging. My life got worse. Then, one night, I went out drinking with some friends. I had started drinking quicker and quicker. The good, fun part of my drinking lasted for less time each time I drank. I’d go straight from “this is awkward, small talk, let’s get pissed” to “dribbling, slurring, I just need to lie down for a sec”, without a pause in the middle for “waheyyyyy!! Girls are having funnnnnn tonight!!”. My drinking had really ceased to be much fun for anyone. That night, I crashed my car into a soccer field, completely missing the road to the highway I had to travel home on. As wake up calls go, you can’t get much bigger than that. I was in a blackout. If I’d got on that Highway, I’d almost certainly have killed myself, or someone else. All the other points in my life, I’d ignored the signs. But here was one I couldn’t ignore.
Two days later, on the 25th of May 2003, I attended my first AA meeting. I was 26, and sure I was too young for this program … but the stories I heard, I identified with. I craved the peace that the people there had. I admired the way that they had turned their lives around. I was arrogant, and thought I was different, but I stuck around. Things got a lot better from then on. Not right away, and not always. I still struggle with my addictive personality and with being “different”. I wish I could go out for a fun night with the girls. I wish I could sit down with a fun glass of wine. But I’m just not confident that I could stop at one. And my husband and son have never seen me drink, and I want to keep it that way. I just can’t guarantee what would happen. So I will keep trudging this path of happy destinies and enjoy life on life’s terms. I value what I have today, and a single glass of wine could undo that. It’s just not worth it.
Deb Hay has suffered from Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder most of her life but she’s done so with the support of an extraordinarily loving family and fabulous friends. You can find her blog here.
Comments
39 Comments so far
Pingback: Don’t hate me because I don’t drink. « You've Got Mel
Hi Deb, so proud of you. I guess I am in the same place you were in 9 years ago. Just wish I had the courage that you have. I also have been diagnosed with BPD and use cutting as a release but have not have contact with family or doctors for a while now. Just don’t know what to do anymore.
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Really great piece! I’ve had dysthymia for most of my life. I avoided social situations and felt very lost & alone. Meds and counseling have blessed me w/ stretches of time when I’m not depressed. You are very articulate. Thank you for your piece.
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Great post Deb. Such an achievement. I have only just given up. It’s only been two weeks and it was under Doctor’s orders as I suffer bouts of depression which is hell on my family. My drinking was never that destructive but I was always slurring after only one drink and, like Elli below, I found myself having no drink free days and one drink turned into three or four, especially when going through a depression period. Strangely, I am not missing it much at the moment and have realised that I CAN get through nutcase hour with my 3 and 4 year old without that glass/es of wine. My hubby was a heavy drinker in his 20s and 30s and then gave it all away and just has a beer here and there, nothing over the top. I know it can be done. I am looking forward to feeling healthier for it. I know that half the time in the mornings I have felt so gloomy and tired because I’ve had 3-4 wines the night before.
Wishing you well,
Jane
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Good on you Deb and to everyone that has bravely posted… You should all be commended on your courage!
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What great writing…Good on you Deb – nine years is amazing!
The way you’ve described the morning after a night of pills really gave me chills… That feeling is exactly why I stopped – I couldn’t take that feeling the next day. The dread and isolation… I remember trying to describe it to my husband (boyfriend at the time) as feeling like i was stuck in a desolate wasteland… Just complete emptiness. Id feel like wind would be able to blow right through my insides on those days, because there was nothing there… Awful.
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So wish my husband would stop his denial. Alcohol can be such a enemy,
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I hear you! I too wish my husband would just settle down.
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Congratulations, I can relate to your story a lot.
I’m 11 year sober and got that way only through the help of AA at the age of 25. I’m married with a new baby, neither of whom have seen me drink.
I have a great career, my own home, and I no longer hate myself of regret the night before.
I encourage anyone else reading this story to please give AA a call and check out a meeting, they have saved my life and given me a life that I would’ve never had.
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Happy anniversary Deb, and congratulations.
I got dangerously close to alcoholic but caught myself in time. When I was in my early 20s living with parents I had a glass of wine with dinner; living with my now-ex in my 30s we shared a bottle of wine over dinner; alcohol-free days became less and less frequent and one glass became two or three. We split up when I was 36, I became depressed, and I took refuge in alcohol until I was drinking 3 or 4 glasses (glasses, not just standard drinks) every night and never a free day. At the time I didn’t think I was drunk, but I probably was. I don’t like the feeling of being drunk, it’s never been my intention. There are a few occasions in that period where I have some blank hours at a work party and woke the next morning with grazes I don’t remember, and they still scare me. I just drink to numb my anxiety; sometimes it takes enough alcohol that it gets me drunk.
When I was 39 I met my current partner. He was the child of two alcoholics and he drinks only occasionally; he’s seen worse so wasn’t freaked by me and was/is incredibly supportive. Early in our relationship I was staying with him in his city and he “casually” pointed out that it was over a week since I’d had alcohol (I was away from my normal triggers). I gradually (it took months) increased my alcohol-free gaps, decreased the amount I drank on each occasion, and drank alcohol-free wine at home in the early stages to ease out of the behavioural habits. I didn’t want to go cold turkey as I wanted to have the occasional glass and thought I’d be able to do that. When my anxiety got worse – in fact, finally came to my notice – I saw my Dr and a psychologist and got medication and therapy. I now have one or perhaps two glasses at a time, maybe twice in a week or maybe not for several weeks.
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Thanks for sharing your story, Deb. I love hearing about other women in recovery.
I got sober shortly after my 27th birthday and couldn’t believe I was alcoholic. I had all my material possessions intact, but when I drank I could not stop. And after I drank, the guilt, Shame and remorse I felt made me feel so unbearably lonely, I wanted to die.
I’m eternally grateful to AA and the members who have shared their experience, strength and hope, and taught me how to live sober, one day at a time. The life I have today (sober, in my PJs on this cold Saturday night, catching up on Twitter) is a miracle compared to the misery of alcoholism.
If you think you may have a problem with alcohol, AA can help. There are no dues or fees for members; AA’s primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. And it’s worth it I reckon.
Love,
Anon
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Good on you Deb, for having the courage to tell your story. I am close to 10 years sober, having also stopped at the age of 26, (I think perhaps we quit before hitting the famed age 27 (Janis Joplin anyone?)). I have done this through regular attendance at AA and doing the AA program to the best of my ability. I didn’t know whether I was an alcoholic at the time (I didn’t drink daily but I had no control over when I drank or what happened when I drank), but thankfully, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I can honestly say I don’t miss drinking, and I rarely if ever get asked why I don’t drink. I can socialise and dance and have fun without needing to drink. I now have two amazing children, a beautiful, loving husband, a brilliant career, goals and dreams I am achieving, and most importantly, dignity and self respect. I thought it would work for people who were better and had more will power than me, now I know that it works for people who do it.
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Deb, you are incredible. That is all.
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Deb, I want to say how proud I am of you, even though we have never met. My parents and one of my step-parents were alcoholics and, I suspect, one of my siblings is, as well. It has so many repercussions for family and extended family. I’m sure it is so hard to give up alcohol (I only ever had to give up smoking, and that was hard enough), and you did it for yourself, your family, your son. Alex is a lucky child. You are a brave and fabulous person.
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I could have written this. Every word. I too am sober, and yes, it is a battle, especially when the memories hit and there’s no real escape. But a worthy one. I haven’t had a drink of alcohol in a year. Can’t quite believe it, actually. Turns out I was self-medicating an undiagnosed mental illness.
I miss that reckless side. I was wild and fun and always met people who were happy to party with me. The part about continuing on when your friends went home resonated big-time. I’d go on a date or hang out with friends, then unbeknownst to them (after they’d left and assumed I’d done the same) I’d down a couple of shots then head to whatever seedy bar or pub I could find. Brunswick St was a particular haunt and I still have trouble going there. It was liberating and exciting.
But I don’t miss waking up shaking, marinated in self-loathing, not quite sure of whether I’d done or said anything damaging to others. I don’t miss wondering where that $200 went, or whether the vague memory of talking to police was real. I don’t miss having a mental gap between first beer and waking up in a hospital in a gown and no undies because I’d vomited all over myself (or worse) and the shame of knowing I’d wasted an ambulance call-out and taken medical resources from those who needed them through no fault of their own.
I don’t miss the nauseous terror of going back through my sent emails, phone calls and texts the next day. I don’t miss feeling like the only way I could possibly enjoy myself was when I was pissed. I don’t miss having to apologise to lovers for telling them things I didn’t mean, sentiments that weren’t sincere. I don’t miss being stranded in the city at 4am when the high finally wore off and I was on a street, freezing cold, smelling like puke and feeling totally alone. I don’t miss having to try desperately not to vomit on fellow passengers on the torturous train ride home the next day.
Thank you, Deb. Writing this out in response to your post has helped me remember why I work hard to stay sober. All the best to you and anyone else going through this.
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Thank you for telling your story, Deb. It needs to be heard more, the not-so-cool side. You use words so well to describe it.
It continues to disturb me how, like you say, it is perceived that a good time cannot be had without getting a skinful. It is ingrained in so many of us. Even my husband gives me a ribbing when I insist that one is more than enough.
My family is one where alcohol is central to most occasions. No-one is an alcoholic, per se, and there isn’t much drunken behaviour, but alcohol is just part and parcel of everything we do. I started drinking at the end of Yr 12, my parents were fine as long as I was home. By the time I had finished my first semester of uni (still 17), I was coming home and having a tall bourbon and Coke (usually half and half) before I would talk to anyone. I wound up in some pretty awkward positions at parties. The last straw for me was when I had a terrible migraine while on holiday with the boyfriend at the time. During the day, I had taken a combination of every kind of painkiller to try and get rid of the thing, to no avail. So I thought the alcohol would get rid of the pain. All it did was render me incapable of, well anything. The (now ex) boyfriend decided that that was a good time for us to have sex. I remember telling him no, over and over, but I was so woozy that I’m not sure I would have been coherent, or indeed, insistent enough.
After that, I broke up with him, swore of the alcohol for awhile and picked up the pieces. I find now I have no tolerance, more than one drink makes me sick. I don’t know if that is something my body has decided to do to help me, but I am grateful that I never got to the point where it began to unravel my life, even if it did take sexual assault to turn me around.
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Your story brought a tear to my eye and brought back some still raw memories of my husband who has been sober for nearly 2 years. He turned his life around as have you and saved my 3 kids under 7 growing up without their dad. We had some disturbing times when he was drinking and we are now getting to know each other again. You, my husband and others in aa are incredible for choosing life. X
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Brave woman, thank you Deb. I know and appreciate that point in life when the pain of the morning after starts to outweigh the fun of the night before …
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Alcoholism runs in my family and I grew up with a borderline alcoholic mother, who now has cut back considerably but still drinks, I have many traumatic childhood memories because of it that I don’t tell anybody. Ever.
I am twenty and I don’t drink. It is something of a social stigma and it restricts my social life being at university and being a non-drinker. I won’t tell people why I don’t drink, I don’t even mention it, I just let them assume I do. But it is my choice and I control my own actions. I know I have the potential to have a problem, and I never, ever want that to be me.
If I ever have children, they won’t know the fear associated with being surrounded by drunk adults or loneliness of it. My sobriety might make me less of a party animal, but I am always in control.
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Well done for being wise enough and brave enough to make the decision not to drink!
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Deb, thank you.
Thank you for your honesty and your unbelievable courage to come out the other side and realise what your drinking was doing to your self and others.
Alcohol is a heartbreaking disease, My father is an alcoholic and unfortunately he has not been able to find the same form of courage to stop drinking himself and has alienated the rest of his family and precious grandchildren. Some he has never even met, most he even forgets their names. He rang me for my birthday this year, first time I had heard from him in 2 years and the first birthday I can remember that wasn’t celebrated with a drunk and medicated suicide call.
My daughters birthday is 2 days later and he asked how old she was going to be, I was so amazed that he remembered her name and birthday week (not the day, just that is was near mine) that I almost didn’t didnt notice that he had no idea how old she was, almost. He also asked if he could call her on the day to wish her happy birthday. But the only memory she has of him is a violent drunken outburst and mummy crying because poppy was “so sick” that she is simply terrified and said she needed more time. she is 8.
My kids understand depression, they know that there are different forms of “sickness” as I have been hospitalised due to the fall out from some of my fathers behaviour.
I have offered him every chance to be part of our family and have organised treatment plans for him through his doctors. Unbelievably when we moved house last year (next to a small private hospital) We were initially unaware that our next door neighbours were the same rehabilitation centre that Mathew newton attended. So we actually live NEXT DOOR to a rehab centre and I have liased with the medical staff there and still he will not attend the program, convincing himself but no one else that he can do it himself. He is 63, when does it sink in that he needs proffessional help?
So thank you, You husband and son are so lucky to have such a brave and wonderful woman in their lives.
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Ohhh…. Donna, you poor thing
Have you tried Al Anon? They have a great program that helps people affected by other’s drinking to “detach with love”. You have done the right thing, you can’t make him get help and you are protecting your family. So, so sad. Hugs xxxxx
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Donnam, I am so sorry for what your father has put you through. Please do not give up on him though. My family buried my uncle this week, he was an alcoholic for most of his life. He was 60 years old, died sitting in his arm chair in his unit all alone and was not found for days.
He too had a daughter, an ex-wife and a young who he had never met. Sitting at his funeral, seeing the pain his daughter and ex wife were feeling broke me up inside. I know they regret not giving him another chance or making a ohone call to see how he was doing.
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Thank you for sharing your story Deb. I’m unfortunately still where you were 9 years ago and, while I don’t do drugs, am struggling to control my drinking. Over the last few months I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have a problem, but I haven’t been brave enough to go to an AA meeting yet. Stories like yours make me realise how different life *could* be, and are inspiring to others like me that we can also change our lives for the better xx
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Thanks Anon – I didn’t think it could be true for me until I read a book called “Rachel’s holiday” by Marian Keyes. I didn’t know that young people or women could be alcoholics. But we can – it’s not easy but it’s worth it- you are worth it xxxx
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Rachel’s Holiday is my all time favourite book – I identified with it so much as well…
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You are so brave for sharing your story. I admire you for your ability to see what you were and appreciate what you have become.
I have a friend in his late 30′s who has a drinking problem. His wife is my best friend and she sees it too but he denies there is any problem and I know that until he sees it, he will not change.
I hope that one day he is able to tell a story like yours.
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I too have found sobriety through the wonderful program that is AA. Even though it’s only been three years for me it’s been the most amazing, and heartwrenching three years of my life. I now have that sense of peace that nothing could bring me until I stopped drinking and walked through the doors of AA. Thank you Deb for your wonderful story x
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at 38 years of age i decided this was going to be a sober year for me. I have always enjoyed a drink and would not say i have a drinking problem however its been 20 years of fairly regular drinking (almost every weekend) and i felt i wanted to just go without alcohol for a long stretch just to see if i had the will power to do it. I wanted to find new ways to de-stress at the end of a hectic week and i didnt want to have a drink when out for dinner just because everyone else was or because I was at home with my partner on a Sat night and didnt have to drive anywhere. I’ve had no problem not drinking in an effort to fall pregnant, or because i was pregnant or breastfeeding (so about 3 years all up) but not having a wine (or several) just because I’ve made a deal with myself not to do it for a year has been extremely challenging. I’ve been admired by my friends who all said they couldnt do it. And the thing is …I havnt been able to do it. I succumbed to family pressure at Easter and had a few wines – and loved it. The next month I had a girls weekend in Sydney and felt it was such a special occasion that i wanted to enjoy a few wines both nights. Later in the year I know I’ll be drinking on another girls weekend away. But aside from those 3 occasions “I’m not drinking this year”. I havnt succeeded in my promise to myself not to drink this year but i dont feel like a failure adn none of my friends or family see it that way either. I have completely changed my drinking habits and I have learned that I can still be funny and confident and relaxed even without a couple of wines in me….and I know I will not return to old habits in years to come. Its great to have the balance right and I certainly feel like a better role model to my two young kids.
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I have also challenged myself to have some abstinence time, after the weekend nights glass or two of wine became a nightly glass or two. Last year I took 10 weeks (second school term) off alcohol completely, and am in the middle of doing so again. it feels good to break the habits that build up over a summer of BBQs and socializing, and the only time I miss a glass is going out to a restaurant with friends. I feel it shows my kids that alcohol is not an essential part of an evening. When the term is over I find that I can then stick to just a weekend drink or two.
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K that is a great idea re the alcohol free terms and you are so right about the summer socializing factor when it comes to alcohol consumption. We talked about this article at dinner with friends last night and we were all commenting on the drinking = socialising culture of our generation.
I think we did well to recognise the need to give things a break every now and then. These fellow posters are evidence of what can happen if you dont. I feel that everyone responding to this post is very brave to so openly discuss the subject and its interesting that quite a few wish their male partners would re-consider their own drinking habits. But i am sure the pressure on men to drink when socialising is even greater than for women.
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I also have an addictive personality. From 15 years on, I smoked, drank and did drugs. I hung out with, basically, a bunch of criminals as a teen and saw friends lose their kids, go to jail, or OD. By 19, I was getting heartily sick of it, so when I fell pregnant, the fact that I’d always wanted to be a mother was what propelled me to stop the speed and heroin use. I was lucky, I was able to and only had a couple of fairly minor criminal charges, but found out years later I’d caught (& by some miracle, cleared) Hep C.
My baby is in her 20s now and I’ve quite drugs, smoking and rarely drink (1-2 monthly perhaps). I’ve educated myself and have a normal job and family, but it was very hard at first. I used to dream about “hitting up”, or smoking. How lame is that?
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I think you’re amazing.
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Thanks Vegas.
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Thank you for this. My husband is two and a half years sober now and our lives are so much better as a result. For us it took us to the brink of financial ruin, but it was a single violent incident which led to six months of separation, heavy duty counselling, and, thank God, AA.
I understand your sense of isolation as we still avoid a range of social situations, but the upside is a happy, healthy family.
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Thank you for your story.
A lot of people at 26 would still deny they had a problem and that it’s all just part of that age in life.
Good for you in recognising the need and getting the help you needed. Well done no 9 years, lets make it 19…
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I find it hard to explain to people why I don’t drink. I make up excuses about it not agreeing with the medication I am on these days, or claiming I am doing it for health reasons. It’s hard to tell someone – whether they are a friend or a stranger – that I have a two year long blank spot in my memory that I will probably never recover. I was so drunk for so long that I have essentially lost a chunk of my life (and god knows how many brain cells) and that seven years on from that I still feel the clammy grip of shame when I think about what I probably did during those years. I managed to find my soul mate before I found sobriety but his love and trust and patience helped me start my journey and I can’t even put into words how grateful I am for that.
Congratulations on your years of sobriety and I wish you all the strength in the world to keep going. It’s tough living in a society where alcohol is “harmless” and “one drink won’t kill you” when you know the exact opposite to be true.
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Congrats to you too Mel xxx
I agree, it’s so hard sometimes to exist in a culture where drinking seems as natural as breathing. I usually wait a while to tell people, so they don’t think I’m some sort of freak. Guess I’ve outed myself now!! But really, aren’t we all a little freaky? Xxx
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Thank you for your honesty. That must have taken courage to write it and I respect you for it.
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thank you for sharing your story. it’s stories like yours that will give hope and courage to people who are in a similar situation to what you were in.
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