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Guest Post: The biggest obstacle to happiness

Tim Sharp knows a lot about being happy. He is a clinical and coaching psychologist, a writer and speaker, an academic and the founder, and Chief Happiness Officer of The Happiness Institute. Put that on your business card and smoke it.

In the first of a series of posts he’s going to do here on Mamamia, I’ve asked him to talk about what women most want to know about being happier….

“Hi there, and let me begin by thanking Mia for allowing me this opportunity to contribute to her blog. I love to write and I love to express gratitude at appropriate times because actively practising appreciation is one of the cornerstones of real and meaningful happiness…and happiness, well that’s my thing.

I won’t bore you with too many biographical details as you can find out more at www.drhappy.com.au and www.thehappinessinstitute.com but suffice it to say that I’ve spent more than half my life studying and teaching psychology.

I’ve worked with people in pain and distress, whose lives are dysfunctional and disorganised, but most recently my focus has been on the emerging and exciting field of positive psychology or what’s informally referred to as the science of happiness. And the good news is that after a couple of decades of great research we have a pretty good idea about what it really takes to achieve happiness, as opposed to what we’re sometimes told will make us happy by advertisers and marketers!

Now this isn’t an appropriate forum for me to summarise 20 plus years of academic research into happiness (although I’d be more than happy to come back and do that some other time) but what I would like to do is summarise the responses I’ve had from questions I’ve asked at two recent events where I asked groups of (mostly professional, working) women what would bring them the most happiness; and in short, the answer is that happiness is pretty much a butterfly with two wings!

I guess I should explain that a bit.

When I talk to and work with women in particular, they seem to struggle mostly with the challenge posed by caring for others and caring for themselves. The eternal question of the aspiring super-woman seems to be “how can I look after the needs of everyone around me – partner, friends, kids, parents, boss, employees as well as myself and have a life?”

This is where my butterfly comes in; a Buddhist Nun friend of mine once explained that they (practising Buddhists that is) think about happiness as being like a butterfly with two wings. One wing is wisdom and the other wing is compassion. Now after a long and fascinating discussion with my friend I came to understand that wisdom represents an understanding of oneself and one’s own needs, whereas compassion represented an attitude of caring for and being loving and kind to others.

In short, the butterfly cannot fly and, therefore, cannot survive without both wings in good working order. We all, undoubtedly, need to look after ourselves. No one can be a good mother or wife or friend or anything for that matter if they’re sick and tired and miserable. But at the same time, if all one does is look after oneself then that’s selfishness, not happiness.

So balance self-care with care and love for others and you have real and meaningful happiness (the butterfly’s flight). But how does this work in the “real world”? There’s no doubt it’s challenging but here are a few things to keep in mind…

Balance doesn’t have to mean exactly 50/50. There are times you’ll give more to others and there are times you’ll need more attention and care yourself. Think about meeting your own needs and the needs of others over the long term and you’ll find perspective can be a great facilitator of happiness

Put, as they say during the in-flight safety demonstrations, your own oxygen mask on first. Again, without wanting to encourage selfishness, it’s important to ensure your own happiness which will not just benefit you but which will also benefit all those around you. When you’re happy you’ll be more likely to have the energy and inclination to do what you need to do to make others happy

Don’t expect perfection, it’s simply an unrealistic goal! This might sound obvious but we all have our strengths and weaknesses and life will always have its ups and downs so learn to roll with the punches and ask (of yourself and of others) “what’s right?” not just “what’s wrong?”

So there you have it. I hope you’ve enjoyed my first guest blog on MamaMia and I hope you all enjoy searching for and discovering your inner butterfly!

Find out more about Dr. Timothy Sharp (a.k.a. Dr. Happy) at www.thehappinessinstitute.com where you can sign up for his free eNewsletter, www.drhappy.com.au, or you can follow him on Twitter at @drhappy.”

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Does this resonate with you? Do you put other people’s needs consistently before your own?

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