This isn’t Alice. But Alice also likes spaghetti.
By ALICE HARRINGTON
“Earlier this year I was watching The Biggest Loser with my mum (eating a mixing bowl-sized serve of spag bol, as you do…) when one girl from the black team was talking about her relationship with food – and her relationship with her mum. And here I was thinking I was the only one for whom the two were so closely intertwined…
When this girl told The Commando (an unlikely sympathetic ear) that her mum was too critical, telling her she needed to lose weight, mine immediately piped up, ”But what is a mother supposed to do?” And it got my brain whirring. She had a point. If your mum tells you that you need to lose weight, is she helping you get healthy or damaging your self-esteem? And if she doesn’t say anything as you pile on the kilos, is she really doing you a favour?
Then I read this article where Peggy Orenstein asks the question: “How can you simultaneously encourage your daughter to watch her size and accept her body?”
Me? I’ll admit I’ve quietly blamed my mum for a lot of my issues with food. My mum has battled her own disordered eating for years and I think some of that was always bound to rub off on my sister and I as we navigated the tricky terrain of going from young girls to young women.
Whether it comes in the form of an off-hand comment about a “fat” person on TV, a good-intentioned word of advice about portion sizes , or a deliberate ban on certain foods in our house (you just try bringing a donut through the door, I dare you!) she has passed on many of her feelings about food. And some of her attitudes have slowly become mine. But others I’ve deliberately chosen not to take on. Sorry Mum, but I just can’t eat salad every night. I need chicken. And potatoes. And pasta.
Alice Harrington
I can tell myself that I binge on “bad” foods because I was never allowed to eat them as a kid. I can convince myself I’d be less infatuated with my weight if I didn’t have a mother that was so infatuated with hers. But the truth is, I probably still would have had issues with my body and food even if my mum had let me eat chips instead of pushing raw broccoli on me every night (she definitely ruined that vegetable for me).
They might have been different issues if I’d been raised by someone else – who knows? But the fact is, now I’m just grateful that my mum raised me with the know-how I needed to eat and live healthily. Because it’s becoming pretty clear as I get older that not everyone is lucky enough to grow up with that.
My mum raised me the best way she could – trying to ensure I grew into a healthy young woman with a good attitude to diet and exercise. And she did it all while navigating her own food and body issues. I’m don’t know if I’ll make all the same decisions when it comes to raising my own daughter, but something tells me, I’ll probably do more things like her than I ever thought.
Alice Harrington is a Sydney-based writer who two years ago overcame her hatred of the treadmill to become a fitness junkie. By day she works in the wonderful world of celebrity gossip magazines and after hours, when she’s not at spin class, you can find her writing about all things health and fitness here and tweeting at here.
Has your upbringing influenced your relationship with food? Do you have mother/food issues?
Comments
37 Comments so far
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I love reading all of these comments from people blaming their parents for their weight issues rather than taking responsibility for it themselves. You’re not children anymore!
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Yes, we’re not children anymore. However, there’s so much to be said for parental modelling (look up the literature yourself if you’re actually interested). This isn’t something artificial – it affects so many people in many ways and even to be able to talk about it is a big step. Happy 2013 to you.
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I agree Tip Master. It is concerning actually. Yes our parents influence us in a lot of ways, but in the end we are responsible for our own attitudes and lifestyle choices. Blame/resentment is not a productive emotion. People need to remember that even their parents are flawed humans and they can learn from their mistakes as well as their own.
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I agree. So many claims of stuff, If you don’t like it, change what you’re doing. Change what you can rather than defensively trying to justify and blame.
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Surely identifying the source of your issues its the first step in dealing with them? These comments don’t seem to be people absolving themselves of responsibility. But don’t let that stop you judging them.
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Alice I love your article.
I think you raised lots of interesting ideas. I spent so many years engaged in a battle with my body, food and eating which was not good for my physical or mental health. I changed my life when I had kids and I feel confident that I have broken the cycle in my family when it comes to food, health, guilt and eating.
When I was growing up I would see mum put food into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ categories, skip meals, talk about how much she had eaten too much, how I should ‘eat some fruit if I am hungry’. I spent so much time in my younger years feeling guilty about food, not exercising because I viewed it purely as calorie-burning and yo-yo dieting.
Whilst I don’t think blaming my mum is doing to change things, I do think that I have finally learned to direct my health and my life in the right direction now. I feel confident that I am doing my best, that my daughter and son will see food and exercise as enjoyable and something that needs to be undertaken to enjoy a quality life.
I am training to be a health coach and 2013 is going to be a huge year. I have big plans to implement an online program for women, especially mums, to achieve their best health and to embrace their ‘role model status’ as mums and nurturers of gorgeous little people who are watching and modelling their behaviour and ideas about food and health from us.
thanks Alice for your story. i only hope that it doesn’t get overlooked because it is the holiday season!
happy new year
jen x
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How is your Mum suggesting that you eat some fruit if you are hungry in any way a bad thing? Would you have preferred that she’d suggested you go pick up a happy meal instead? Kids SHOULD eat fruit (and not crap) if they’re hungry!
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My struggle with this is that I am a step mum to a 14 yo.
So it’s not only my influence, but a conflicting influence from her own mother that could really screw her up.
I’m not bragging, but I am incredibly lucky that I have never had weight issues, i don’t diet & have always eaten healthy food because I love it. I also don’t deny myself things like dessert or chocolate, but i don’t over indulge, I can’t actually comprehend why anyone would over eat, because I hate that bloated, lethargic feeling if I eat too much. Some call me a bitch, I just say I’m lucky that was the way I was made & I am grateful now I am in my 40′s that I’m still a size 6-8.
Having only been married for a year with an instant family of teenagers, I am highly aware of instilling good eating habits in my step children.
We have healthy, flavoursm food with a wide variety of fresh veggies, meat & seafood. We always have homemade dessert, because I LOVE making dessert & the kids always tell me how great the food is at our house, which only encourages me to find more yummy meals to make for them. Take away is a once each holiday treat.
Their Mum is overweight & rarely exercises & they often have take away & packaged food. when she tries to cook healthy meals she puts such horrile combinations together the kids complain to me about constantly.
My step daughter is a dancer & lately she has put on quite a bit of weight in the bottom & thighs & admitted she weighs 60kgs. She’s also started skipping breakfast. I’ve tried to explain to her that skipping meals is not a way to manage her weight as she is likely to do irreparable damage to her metabolism.
I worry that she will just feel I’m being critical of her & her Mum if I try to advise her on maintaining a heathy weight & keeping fit, & may just resent me because it seems so easy for me to stay slim. I don’t want to give her an unrealistic body image, because she is obviously a different body type, but I don’t want her to end up unhappy & overweight like her mother, particularly as she is serious about dancing & is already heading out of an ‘acceptable size’ for a dancer.
Any advice?
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Does she read? Give her an appropriate book about nutrition or a documentary on DVD. Something that highlights that disordered eating can be dangerous and evolve into eating disorders. Just tell her you know she is serious about her dancing and that you are proud of her, but you just want her to know that not eating is just as unhealthy as overeating. Let her discover that her mother’s eating habits are poor on her own.
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My advice would be that if your only the step mum it’s not your role to be replacing her mother so any comments or advice you give her cannot be motherly, friendly yes, but not motherly.
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I just had to comment on this one.
I grew up in a rural environment where my mum usually ate ok but dad was awful – gallons of soft drinks and coffee, no breakfast, often a huge fry up (in the home deep fryer that is filled with animal fat, not oil) of chicken nuggets/chips/potato gems etc …or nothing at all but snacking later in the day as a result… and meals of meat (HUGE portion – has to ‘hang over each side of the plate or the steak is not big enough’) and three veg (if mum cooked) or takeaways/pancakes/fried leftover meat in batter etc – all with sauce and salt. Oh, and the constant snacking on chips etc. For dad (still a smoker now but also inside and around my younger brother and I as kids), food is about flavour. He came from a poor family that ate what it could, even if this was lard sandwiches (not joking on that). Though he trained as a cook briefly, he refuses to eat things like salad and other things. This year, he had a kidney removed due to cancer at age 54.
For my mother, who hates cooking (just like her own mother) her relationship with food is one that is “it’s a necessity, i.e., I must eat, I like to think I eat relatively well but if I’m trying to lose weight, then I’ll do it ‘properly’ and go on a diet” (her words, not mine). Mum doesn’t do the fry-up lunches or anything but she doesn’t eat super healthily either and has a tendency to make all her (savoury) foods sparkle more than diamonds with salt.
Not surprisingly, both my parents are overweight, actually, probably obese. Also not surprising, but I grew up as one of the only ‘fat kids’ at school (80s/90s) and have constantly struggled with my weight. On one hand mum would try and ‘put’ us both on a diet now and again (or I would make a mental decision to try to be normal) and on the other, my dad would give us treats (i.e. “look in the freezer Kate, there’s something there for you!” – a magnum etc) as a way of showing love. We don’t really do love/affection any other way, but that’s a whole other story, though related to my relationship with food for sure.
Unfortunately my 27 year old brother is also becoming more and more like my dad every day – living on junk but also boozing excessively and getting bigger and bigger. For his sake and that of the three kids that he’s now a father figure for, I hope he can change his ways.
As for me, I managed to lose about 20kg during high school through heaps of walking but I didn’t address my food habits, other than skipping meals because I was out walking with my friend most of the time. I left the family home bound for Melbourne and university life in 2000 but whilst at uni and just after, I got up to over 100kg (not sure of the exact figure – the scales weren’t my friend) and on my frame of only 160cm, that’s a lot of excess to be carrying.
It wasn’t until about 7-8 years ago that something inside me snapped and my lifestyle changed. I shed around 40kg and have maintained a weight around 65kg since then. I complete long distance events (walking) such as half marathons etc, have done a charity event trekking the Great Wall of China and recently completed Tour du Mont Blanc (165km around Mont Blanc in the Alps over 8 days). I also intend to complete the (full) Melbourne Marathon again in 2013. I have a wonderful fiancée who is into the same lifestyle as me – fit and healthy. But back to the topic….
…did I mention that I also completed the Master of Human Nutrition and am employed as a public health nutritionist? I look at the upbringing I had (in terms of health) and though my parents play golf regularly and we were encouraged to play sport (I recall playing netball, hockey and golf each Saturday at one stage), I don’t think the relationship I have with food will ever be ‘normal’, although I no longer binge and exercise excessively to negate weight gain (as I did 5 or so years ago). I love to cook and try new foods, but obviously I love learning about the science behind the foods too.
Having just been back to my parents’ house for Christmas, I can’t help but notice that their ways are still the same; they’ll probably never change. However, I have. I am passionate about helping others to live healthy lifestyles, particularly children who often know no better, especially at such young ages. Though I cringe when I look back at my (food/health) upbringing, I do wonder if I’d even be on this pathway had I not had the upbringing I did.
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Well done, Kate, on taking control of your health and fitness. Best of luck with the marathon.
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Thanks macgee!
I should add that despite all of what I was saying above, my parents are not bad people and of course I love them – they’re my parents! We’re just different (now), that’s all.
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When it comes to developing healthy relationships with food, I think the best thing parents can do is ‘walk the walk’ instead of ‘talk the talk’.
I personally feel that so many of us grow into adults with disordered eating patterns because food has become too psychological. There is far too much conversation about what we ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t eat. We live in a world where the media, our peers and parents discuss and analyse every food choice.
I think the best thing parents can do is be good role models and stop talking about food. Kids are bombarded with messages about food long before they have the capacity to understand them.
Fill the cupboard with healthy food, model healthy eating and stop talking about it so much! We need to listen to our bodies and not our heads when it comes to what we eat.
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My mother has always been naturally thin and so was my brother growing up. Whenever I would open the fridge door both of them would make an explosion noise as if I was going to explode if I ate anything else.
My mother has always worn make up and always analyses the way she looks and the way I look. Growing up was terrible as she never thought that what she was doing was wrong. She criticizes people in public, my friends and extended family too. I’m glad I’m old enough to ignore it and to make a conscious effort to prevent myself turning out the same way.
I think I’m lucky to know how not to act. I’m glad I didn’t come out with too many issues as my childhood environment sure wasn’t healthy when it came to food and body image.
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My mother spent my teenage years telling me i was fat. She would then act completely hypocritically- potatoes were too fattening for me, yet they were served for dinner every night. Dim Sims and packet pasta were offered a after school snacks etc. my memory of these years is of having zero self esteem and of being completely focused on getting the approval of others.
Sadly i know look at photos and realise how pretty i was and not at all fat. How different these years could have been.
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I can totally relate, Susan. My mother was the same – filled my plate up high with food and made me eat it all, in primary school she gave me chocolates and doughnuts as after school snacks, and then constantly talked about my weight, both to me and in front of other people, and did nothing when my sister teased me. I look at photos of myself as a teenager and realise now that I was not overweight. I reached my current height of 167cm at the age of 13 and weighed around 65kg. I developed early which didn’t help with my self esteem. I wasn’t skinny or slim but I realise now that I wasn’t obese or as overweight as I was made to feel. I’ve always thought that I was significantly obese and compared myself constantly to other women. It is no coincidence that my attitude towards myself has changed since I no longer live with my mother or spend a lot of time with my sister. When I do, inevitably the subject always turns to “such and such who I went to school with and how fat she is now”. Although it is sad, it is much better for my self esteem for me to not spend too much time with my mother or my sister.
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Are you sure we didn’t grow up in the same family t? I to have reaped the benefits of not seeing my mother and sister anymore, wow life its easier now! And for the record, they are both quite overweight, whereas I’ve developed good eating and exercise habits and manage my weight well. Karma?
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Lottie Jnr (just turned 6) a few nights ago : ‘Can we leave some protein for Santa? I think he gets enough milk and cookies. I think he needs more protein. And maybe some vitamins like A, B, C and D? The reindeer can still have carrots’
Golf claps for me
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I have 3 kids. I am super healthy and work out at least 3-4 times. I want my kids to grow up with this being the norm to be active and healthy. I educate them to eat fruit and veg for strength and to have big poos. They find it all funny. We have junk food every now and then but the point is we know its a treat. The most important aspect of eating I educate my kids is to about fat or skinny or even healthy but simply to eat only when your hungry rather than bored or for entertainment.
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My mum still struggles with disordered eating. Her attitude towards me is that as I’m overweight, missing meals is ‘good’ and eating anything is ‘bad’. Hence my very damaged metabolism and that little voice inside my head telling me to hide anything I’m eating.
I think as parents we need to be very careful about the way we say things. I’m trying to talk to my kids about food that makes us feel strong and healthy, tuning into how each foods makes our body feels (pasta makes me want to go to sleep!) and how to be careful of empty calories. Most of all, not to restrict ourselves because restriction means you’re thinking too much about food.
It’s a long, slow process but I’m getting to the point where my Mum’s voice is leaving my head about food. She can live her life self-flagellating about her body and her eating habits but I don’t have to.
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my mum did her best to educate me about food. sadly i was a stubborn child who liked to do her own thing. yes i ate healthily, but then i over ate too! Eating too much of the good things and more of the worse. then the thing that made me eat more. was being told to watch my weight by my mother. no i am slowly winning my health back, i have my good and bad. but i am now living through healthier habits. the only think that makes it hard is living with my partner and his ability to eat everything in truck loads and not gain weight.
heres to me and my health.
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I have always battled with my weight.
I was very careful with what I fed my kids – breastfeeding – introduced fresh foods I pureed – no soda drinks – yadda yadda – I did not want them dealing with my battles.
I say with some relief – they are now skinny teenagers – skinnier than I ever was.
I don’t mean this to be a catch all statement but today I see skinny mums with fat kids – and I think in my head “that kid is far fatter than I was at his/her age – he is going to have a lot of battles ahead.”
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I was brought up in a health conscious family but you can come to grief when you marry someone from a different background. To my husband, his mother was a wonderful cook and he doesn’t feel the same way about me. That is because I don’t cook food full of yummy fat! I can actually cook perfectly well.
He has also passed the chocaholic gene on to my daughter, as well as a tendency to easily gain weight. At 19 makes her own decisions about food but is overly concerned with body issues. I wish there was an answer to this
question about how to deal with daughters.
If I got it wrong, it is probably too late to do anything about it now. It is so much harder than when I was young. My friends and I never talked about weight in high school or uni but my daughter and her friends do it constantly.
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It’s a difficuly one, isn’t it Daisy? The food/body issues/health topic is a minefield. My daughter is the same age as yours and I hope that by focussing on nutrition, I’ll be able to shape her behaviour. I have no idea if she soaks up anything I say though! Good luck to you, and keep cooking your no-doubt beautiful meals
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Thanks, Macgee!
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I love your term “disordered eating” – it describes me to a tee. I don’t have an eating disorder as such but I have issues. And as a mother of three little girls, your article has highlighted that I really need to sort it out (or scar them for life!).
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My mother was (and still is) morbidly obese for my whole childhood. Everything in our lives revolved around food. Equal effort went into avoiding physical activity at all costs. Be very grateful for your mother and the lessons and more importantly, the habits that she instilled in you. When my children visit my mother for the day, I ask them when they come home what they have for morning tea and lunch. It’s invariably biscuits, cake, softdrink, chocolate. They sit and watch TV all day. They absolutely love it. I struggle with this constantly. The fact that she feeds them not what is best for them, but what gives her pleasure, reinforces how little respect I have for her.
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I have the same issue with my MIL. She feeds my kids full of crap under the guise of she should be allowed to spoil them. They love just spending time with her and she seems to miss this point substituting food for time.
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Do you have little respect for her because she is obese? Sorry if I misinterpreted but that is what your comment has implied to me
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I’d say it’s because Feline feels that her mother hasn’t cared for herself by eating well and exercising, and that she is passing this on to the children.
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I’ve actually stopped expecting or hoping that she will improve her own health by losing weight. I have accepted that she will have a shortened lifespan and there is nothing I can do about it. I don’t respect her because she puts her own pleasure – the pleasure she gets from filling my kids up with fizzy drinks and chocolate, and letting them watch TV for hours (there is a park right across the road) above what is best for their physical and mental health. It undermines what I am trying to teach them. She doesn’t care – it’s all about her and what she gets out of it as the grandmother who gets to spoil them. And to Mumma – I also have no respect for the fact that she gorges on food, does no physical activity and is consequently obese. She now has diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol. She knows what she is doing to her body. She claims to love her grandkids so much, and yet she is going to depart this world and them prematurely, and is leaving them a legacy of food issues. I am no health zealot. I am 10kg overweight (no points for guessing where my food/exercise issues came from), but my mother takes self-abuse to another level. But fundamentally I feel so strongly because this is NOT about her, it’s about my children.
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I believe in leading our kids in the right direction i have two small daughters the best policy is to lead by example and eat everything in moderation that is with not only with food but everything my kids are 4 and 3 and even love that i go to the gym regularly i am by no means fit but want to show my kids how to live relaxed but healthy let it be easy.
When i was 18 i gained weight and was 80kgs my mother sat me down and told me stretch marks are unacceptable my fiancé would leave me and no man would look at me it struck a cord i bawled i went and lost weight but it crushed my confidence in a huge way. I think its how we instil this in our children thats important.
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This really strikes a chord with me. My daughter has always been caught between my overly disciplined approach to food, and my mother’s constant attempts to feed her every sort of non-nutritious thing you can think of. Both my parents have type 2 diabetes and are overweight and it frustrates me no end that there is no consideration given to this when providing endless chocolates and cake etc. We live close enough for this to be an ongoing problem.
For me the driver isn’t weight but health, and I hate the thought that I wasn’t been able to give my daughter the foundation I had hoped for. Now that she’s almost an adult, she’s making the connection but her tastes definitely lean towards the sorts of things that won’t do her any good in the long run. Then again, maybe I need to loosen up!
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Be careful. There is a direct link between food restriction during childhood, and overeating in adhulthood.
im not talking about putting kids on diets, which is obviously extremely harmful, but not letting them have junk food at all, or making them feel extremely bad about it will cause more damage in the long run.
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Hi Anonymous, thanks for your thoughts. I agree with the possibility of long term damage, but my focus has always been on the types of food eaten as opposed to food restriction per se. I’ve seen too many effects in my family of an unhealthy diet (similar to Feline above) and it frustrates me that it’s been easy for my family to overlook the connection. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy a good piece of cheesecake occassionally
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