*Trigger warning: This post may raise issues for readers who have experience with depression or suicide.
“Sometimes life gives us hard times.”
By ANONYMOUS
Sometimes life gives us hard times. A car accident, the loss of a parent, the loss of a job, the wrong tile for the new house, a lost document we forgot to save after hours of work, a child with a reaction to nuts, no child at all, a relationship ending, no money to pay that bill.
Then for some of us life gives us an overflow of pain. As though God himself is perched on a ladder peering over the body, a large endless jug of pain in hand, pouring it in through the top of the skull. The pain does not subside, it does not ease but invades every crevice, every vein, every nook and cranny. The pain keeps coming, flowing in without any release valve to help it escape.
This pain comes in different forms; for me it has been childhood sexual abuse, watching parents separate regularly and then reconcile and then separate over and over again throughout my formative years with no explanation or understanding just fear, having a relationship crumble when 4mths into my pregnancy of our second child, losing that second baby to SIDS when she was eight months old.
But even with that, God decides that she is not done, that there is more capacity for pain so she fills it by letting in a grand love, having him bring me comfort and joy and laughter and then by having him be in love with another woman, having him hit me when I confront him about her.
And now he is gone, God has me ring and text him like an obsessive bunny boiling ex-girlfriend, just so I can hear him say over and over again “you need to move on, I have moved on”. The dagger, the dagger in the gut that I keep begging him to come at me with as if to say ‘I am not hurt enough, hurt me more – I deserve it.’
I read endless self-help and prayer books, I meditate seeking for something beyond myself to bring me out of this, nothing is enough.
I watch documentaries exploring the human spirit and hear a woman ask her guests “what would you tell your 14yr old self” and I answer “kill yourself now before life kills you.”
My nearly five year old skips in and offers me his favourite blanket to give me comfort. I feel guilt, what have I done, what am I doing, I am an unforgivable parent. Where is the room for his pain when mine fills every available space.
With those final drenchings of pain from that never ending jug pouring into me, with the dark sticky tar overflowing to encase my entire raw, sore body. I lay, my whole body trembling as if I lay naked on ice and pray to this God, I beg “When I wake up let me be dead… When I wake up let me be dead… when I wake up let me be dead.”
If you need help, please call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.
Editor’s Note: We run ‘group therapy’ posts regularly on Mamamia, where we share the concerns or problems of a reader with you and ask those who can, to share their advice. We have, of course, assisted this reader with the contact details of organisations who can give her the help she needs.
However we are also asking you to leave your messages of hope, support and best wishes for Anonymous. She will be reading and we’d like her to know that she is not alone. Thank you, in advance, for your help.
Comments
74 Comments so far
i’m so very sorry to hear of your immense and relentless struggles and the absolute, total darkness and numbness that consumes you. i too have experienced some of your pain, albeit to a lesser extent.
please remember that “it shall pass”. this is often something that i can try to keep a little pinky finger grip on for some semblance of hope.
personally, i’ve found that that the guilt is one of the biggest anchors in this black hole, definitely a weight you don’t need…it’s so detrimental to your recover. this is absolutely not your fault, so please try and let go of thoughts such as “what am i doing to my children”, “i’d get up etc if i loved them”, why am i like this, no one will truly love me”, etc. you are of so much more value than you realise and so long as you try and express your love for your children, even if having to “put on a face” to say it due to the deepest emptiness you may feel at the time.
a small consolation you may find helpful, as i do, is acknowledging that your children will grow to be empathetic, compassionate human beings in this world – truly a gift. your son is already showing this with his offer of this blanket. you are also clearly raising him with love and kindness – much more than some parents do.
learn to accept all offered help from family and friends, without guilt or a sense of debt. they only want to see you recover – nothing more.
whenever possible, seek professional help – both medical and counselling.
again, try to remember it shall pass and you will feel the sun shining on you once more.
once you’re at a certain level of functioning, play some of your favourite uplifting music, walk in the morning sun – even if only for 10 mins – even incognito (!) and try to physically smile – even if not emotionally. these actions are scientifically proven to boost mood. you probably already know this, but please don’t feel guilty for not doing these….you just have to get a bit better before you can do them.
try as best you can not to allow “negative” comments from those who don’t truly understand your condition to penetrate and ruminate. those who have not experienced this cannot possibly understand its devastating effects.
please hold on and allow the love and support in, as you truly deserve.
wishing you much sunshine and brighter days very soon.
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Life has not dealt you a good hand!! Think though of your Son, What would he do without his Mum? He might end up as a ‘Ward of the State’ and some bad things can happen to those kids, like they did for you, when you were young. Look at his lovely little face and don’t see the pain you went through, just see him and a better life for him. ~ We think our kids need lots of material things,sure they are great to have. I remember when I was small I forgot my doll when we went away and thought I would have a fit. My Nan made me one out of an old curtain, stuffed it’s head with I don’t know what and tied a ribbon around it’s neck. It had no arms or legs but I got such joy out of that doll because she made it for me. I bought it home with me and it was a favourite. Really what they need is us to love them and make them feel ‘special’ because they are, every single one of them.
I’m sure your son thinks you are special and you are. Try to count your blessings, though they may be few and tomorrow can be a fresh new start, even sometimes when we take one step forward and two or three back. You are NOT worthless, you are special, bad things happen to good people unfortunately. I don’t even know you, but I do care about you and your son. Try and cheer up, they say exercise helps with depression, try doing it with him. Some one may come along for you and give you both happiness but you won’t know, if you aren’t here to find out.
Love Valerie
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I only just read this so I’m a month and a half late. This could easily have been my story, many similar horrendous experiences over four to five years that just broke me.
The pain, oh God the pain……. I lost complete interest in everything that I’d previously found joy in, I hurt like hell, I was so incredibly depressed. I lost so much, people I love, people I trusted, little ones I adored…. my home… best friends, family…
One night I did it. I overdosed. I was found by my fireman flatmate not breathing. Despite his expertise it took him a long time to get me to breath again.
My heart stopped three times, I had ten brain seizures, was in a coma for a week in intensive care on respirator.
When I woke up the medical team repeatedly told me that I had died and how lucky I was that they brought me back to life. That was not what I wanted. I wanted to be dead.
Then, as if it could get any worse, my partner who I was madly in love with – who’d convinced the doctors that he loved me and was committed to our relationship, left me a couple of weeks after I came out of hospital. For many weeks he’d assured them he was in for the long term.
I was physically and mentally very sick for a long time. And very very depressed.
It got worse.
Gradually I started to feel better. I started getting up in the morning and not wanting to go back to bed for the rest of the day which is what I usually did.
This is nearly three years later and the positive improvements have only been of late.
I guess I started wanting to live again. I still hurt. And hurt by people who dumped me because I attempted suicide. Even one friend of nearly 30 years… just left me.
It’s been a very tough three years, I was too sick to work. I was depressed and I was not my normal self.
I was unreliable, erratic, irresponsible. I get a lot of criticism for this even now. People are harsh and so judgmental.
There are even people who have aimed to, and succeeded, in sending me back to hospital thru their viciousness and vitriol. God, I nearly died, and you’re trying to destroy me now? Where are people’s compassion?
Decency?
But you do start to feel better. I will never fall to those depths again, I will make smarter, better choices.
But I wish people would have compassion and understanding for when people do get to that shocking horrible depth of despair.
Unless you’ve been there you can’t possibly have any understanding of the level of pain. Such pain that you just want, need it to end through death. Because nothing else will work.
I hope this writer can just get through this and, like me, through time and personal work life will improve and she will feel better.
But I also understand completely wanting to die and I believe that we all have the right to end our life. either because of a terrible illness or mental pain.
And I pray that people, strangers, family, friends are kind and not like the people around me were.
Those people who stopped talking to me when they found out about my suicide attempt are the very same people who put up the Anti Suicide posts on Facebook, spruiking to help a person if they seem depressed et al.
As a community we need to stop pretending on Facebook etc. We need to have compassion and kindness. People can only take so much pain before they reach the point that i did and which this writer has. We need to understand this especially if we’ve never experienced it ourselves.
When someone is at that level of unbearable pain just one unkind word, judgmental statement can break a person. You don’t know, and can’t know, if someone is at that point so we need to be very very careful how we treat people. They could be at their final point.
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Dear ANONYMOUS,
So much thought and love has been expressed through you having the courage to speak out. It has taken strength to express yourself and also a deep understanding of your emotions and feelings.To write what you have and to still be fighting for a better life for you and your son shows you to be a resilient woman qualities that can and will get you through this time in your life.
For me i needed to go back and get in touch with my inner child the child who was sexually abused and lost trust in my parents and all around me i set up behaviors that i felt would keep me safe and put a wall around myself to keep all out.This may have protected my sanity at the time but as an adult did not serve me. I needed to find and nurture that child and find forgiveness for others and re-learn to grow and be a confidant loving adult. I went to a place called CASA and also spent 2 years at Odyssey house (as my early abuse led to drug and alcohol issues) Lots of therapy has led my life in a direction i couldn’t have dreamed about.I know myself now i know my behaviors i have friends and a partner who are healthy in their own lives i am independent!
Sending love and as so many have said you are not alone.
Take care xxxxx
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Hey there Anonymous sad one, all sorts of people out here care and want to help. If I were you (I only share your depression), I would first swear off men for a while. They are too complicating when your core self is in need of nurturing because you spend emotions on them that are needed by your soul. My neighbour, who is bringing up the last of her three daughters, has actually gone to a hypnotist who has helped her not to be too friendly to available males so she doesn’t fall too far before she wants to get out. She’s lived there for nearly 4 years and I’ve never seen her go out with guy or bring one home! She is very pleased with herself too!
Second, I would focus on giving your five-year-old the best possible experience of having a parent. You can’t undo any negative experiences she has in your care, as you know from your own childhood. She is precious, you brought her into the world, you care – so do well by her – have real conversations, read, play, run, swim, dress up, count, shop & enjoy her. She doesn’t need a lot of material stuff at five, so just try to give her good food and good sleep to grow strong & happy.
Lastly, get yourself a good therapist who will give you real life homework to do between visits so your don’t feel unsupported. See your GP, emphasise that you want to get a good course of therapy, not just a bunch of pills and go for the maximum number of appointments under the ATAPS scheme [Look that up]. If you are put on pills, try to cope with side effects rather than giving up There are solutions out there that you can use.
Good luck. If you lived next door I could help you along the way- maybe you already have someone like this. Just ask.
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Dear Anonymous-
In agreement with everyone else, I would suggest that you get help immediately. I don’t mean this week, tomorrow or later today: now.
As for my personal contribution…you are so brave to ask for help. I too have had horrible thoughts and never had the courage to ask for help in my darkest hour. Only once I could put my “party face” on, could I muster the courage to go to the doctor and ask for help. Silly, eh? So, kudos to you for having the common sense to reach out.
Dear, sweet, vulnerable person out in the cyber-world…the only way out of your mistakes is to own them. You were dealt a crummy hand-parents who did not teach you how to have a relationship with yourself, or anyone. I’m guessing that you feel like a kite blowing in the wind…twitching and soaring with whatever the windy universe gives you. I know the feeling.
Here is my hard-learned lesson: you are not a kite. You are a strong, capable woman who has a heart full of love and the ability to change her destiny. You can determine the course of your life simply by knowing what you want, and what you don’t. Sure, you will have to let go of comfortable destructive behaviors. You may have to turn your back on a few people…but you can be anyone you want to be. Please stop victimizing yourself.
Try doing one thing you like a day-just one. Pick something that makes your heart fill with joy and just do it for 30 minutes a day. Let happiness in- just a little bit. Build a relationship with it on your terms and learn that it doesn’t have to leave.
Accept that your child loves you; accept that you love him. He will not go away just because you love him-it is okay. Do not pity yourself because you think your love is harmful or toxic. Seriously, screw that! Take him outside and let the fresh air blow your blues off you you. Laugh. Giggle. Play. Fake it for now if you have to-he won’t know the difference and you will feel better about yourself for having made him happy.
Reach out to friends and family who will nurture you-this is something I wish I had done-and let love in. Don’t isolate yourself…
I bet so much of this sounds like so much more than you want to do. You can do this. You did not survive all of that just to fall apart and withhold for yourself and loved ones. You are a survivor and you will get to the other side of this!
Good luck and god bless
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Ok. Many women relate. I relate. Know that your not alone…
Also know that many of us have overcome the destructive patterning of our childhood abuse. Many of us have managed to learn to withsatnd the power of obsession. It is possible. More than possible. It is also probable.
Support is what you need. But also, a deep desire to change and letting go.
My life has been riddled with suffering after suffering. I now realise that life is suffering. But doi not need suffer. I need to feel pain, but no need to suffer. The suffering comes from our behavoiurs.
Your thoughts will chnage once you chnage your behaviour. You need to get some wins on the board, but not texting him for one day, or one week etc… But intead of white knuckling it and sitting by your chiar, desperatly trying NOT to text, you need to learn to give him to the universe, and imagine being ok with that. Accept what it is. There is no choice.
Let go a ,moment at a time, a day at a time. Then it will be years before you know it.
Just imagine him flying into the universe away from you, not attached toi you or your thoughts. Put a magical whiote light around him that divides you. Put a white light around you that is filled with so much love, let it infiltrate every aspect of your body. Do this over and over.
Say the willingness pray a million times a day if you have to ” God, please give me the willingness to be willing, to be willing, to be willing, to be willing to let go….
If you learn enough mentalk exercises and do them they are actions!!!! That is changing your behaviour.
Good luck..
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Your life sound like mine- 10 years ago. I could pinch myself for how good things eventually turned out. getting also of hardship out of the way means you learn to cope and life’s obstacles become easy to manage as you get older because our done the hard stuff. You know eventually everything gets better. One day you eventually stop expecting bad things to happen no life feels even better. It takes a while though.
When I went through terrible times I found a few things really helped. Moving. a fresh start contains hope. If I couldn’t move rearranging the furniture helped me feel like I was on a new beginning. I gave me soothing to do also instead of obsessing. This may sound nutty but I really found doing puzzles helped me get though really pad times. Doing a 1000 piece jigsaw was more productive then wanting to die. It kind of quietened my mind.
Life does throw you hard times but they are not insurmountable and good things will be round the corner.
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I am sorry for your loss and for all your pain. PLEASE be as strong as you can be to get the help you need then let others take care of you or a while. It mightn’t feel like it to you right now but – YOU ARE THE WHOLE WORLD TO YOUR SON! Don’t leave him. He will never, ever get over it if you leave him. The loss and pain will be with him forever. If you can’t see your own reasons for living just now then hang in there for him until you can get the right help. Break this pain cycle now – don’t pass it to your son – get help. Your son needs you and needs you to get well. Be kind to yourself – you deserve happiness.
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Depression is a natural response to such awful life experiences that you have suffered and are still suffering. Please seek professional help in the way of a psychotherapist who can help you explore your pain and help you to heal
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As many before me have said, Please, Please get some help. It is only a phone call away – Lifeline etc…I live in Brisbane – if you are near me I would love to give you any practical help that I can – babysitting etc…I hope you have family/friends to support you during this difficult time…hang in there – things will get better one day…hold onto that so very tight XX
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Dear Anonymous,
Do you have private health insurance? Is there someone who could take care of your son for a couple of weeks? If so I would look into going to South Pacific Private Hospital in Sydney. It isn’t a magic cure but I went there when I was at complete rock bottom & also obsessively calling an ex boyfriend as you are & it helped me to break some unhelpful patterns and gave me hope. If it isn’t possible or too far I would look into going to another private hospital because it sounds like you need some really intense help right now & I want you to be safe.
I’m not going to pretend that I know exactly how you feel, however I have experienced some of the things you have including intense pain & frequent suicidal thoughts. I especially relate to the pain you’ve experienced through relationships as I have been in similar situations & I have obsessively called men knowing they are not good for me but so desperate to get them back.
Right now it doesn’t seem like things will get better but that’s because you don’t have the skills/knowledge that will help you build a better life. When you begin to learn these skills & practice you WILL move forward and find that YOU are in control! It is horrific feeling like you are at the mercy of a barrage of pain being thrown at you and unable to stop it. I promise that by learning new skills & building a supportive network you WILL gain more control and your life WILL improve. I only know this because it has been my experience. You had no control over your childhood and the abuse you suffered. It is likely your parents/family set up some really negative patterns and beliefs in you that haven’t served you. Maybe they didn’t teach you skills to help you throughout life or give you the love, attention, support we all need as kids. However now you do have more control and you can learn the skills and get the assistance to move forward and create a better life for you and your son.
Something I noticed in your words was a reaching out to others for love & support. Of course this is common and understandable given your history. I absolutely have the same inclination to reach for others to help fill emptiness/sadness/despair. I still do this often but I continue to learn that you MUST love yourself and be your own best friend. Be kind, supportive, gentle and forgiving towards yourself. Because you cannot rely on others to always be there for you & it is so dangerous to do so. It is so so hard but you just have to keep trying with the support of professionals and good friends/family and things WILL improve slowly but surely. Please contact me at eformica98@gmail.com if you need any assistance or recommendations of professional help.
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Mai, please find this wonderful lady and help her get the help she needs (you must at least have her email address). Please please please, she deserves all our, love, help and support.
Xx
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If you could find a way to forget about having a partner or a lover in your life for a while and instead concentrate on making sure your son is well cared for and knows that he is loved by you, his mother, and getting the help you need from whatever agencies can give you that help, then you will succeed and get through your pain, which is all inside your head. Stop playing the victim and start living like a warrior woman. Fight for your sanity and fight for the right of your child to have a loving mother.
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There have been so many thoughtful and well-said comments that I can only help uplift you above all that pain. You are obviously very resilient to have dealt with so much to the point that it is now crippled you. Reach out for help. You have proven yourself capable of dealing with pain, you just need help to heal. You will live and life will be so much better – you will get better for your son, who you obviously love fiercely and have obvioulsy taught to be a compassionate child. At the depths of despair you have reached the path forward is only better. You will be in my thoughts.
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I don’t care that there is a computer between you and I – I’m sending you all my strength, love, hope, joy and prayers right through cyber world! I hope you get them cause my darling anonymous friend you deserve them xo
Please, I beg you, please get some professional help. Its time. It is time to act and take that step forward to a better life that kicks this sickening terrible illness to the big dark hole from wence it came. Its not going to get the better of you. Its not worthy.
There are people, lots of different professional people, and even non professional people (like all the wonderful people on this page!) who are behind you every step of the way and want to help you. They, like all of us, don’t want you to exist like this. They can help you get the right medications and one step at a time and help you to start clearing the fog that surrounds you.
It isn’t going to be easy but I know you can do it. The first step is always the hardest isn’t it? After that, one step at a time, it can get easier cause the better newer journey has already started and a new path is being forged. A path that allows you to shine and be the happy gorgeous person you already are. A wonderful life awaits you. A life that is worthy because you are amazing.
I’m so sorry for what you have endured and I have said a special prayer for your beautiful daughter, taken from you too soon. You really are incredible. And your son, your gorgeous son, what a beautiful caring and empathetic child you have created, one who cares and loves his dear mum so much. He needs you and you need him. So many wonderful milestones and experiences await you both.
My brother suicided 4 years ago as of May 3 this year. We miss him so much I can’t even put it into words. The pain of him not being here will never leave us. His four children, the youngest 18 months old at the time will most likely not remember him only for the photos and stories she is told about him. Our family and lives were forever changed that day and I learnt the true meaning of heart break. I really felt my heart actually break that day and I dont think it will ever truly heal.
You are so loved. You are so needed. You are NOT ALONE.
Please seek professional help. PLEASE. You are in my prayers xoxoxox
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I remember when living inside my own head was the scariest place i’d known…feeling like i was being smothered from the inside lost in my endless darkness. I remember i used to stand on the edge of things…balconies…cliffs etc and leaning far over i would think to myself…if i just let go….i could breath again….i could rest and this would all stop. All i ever wanted was just to catch my breath again…to press stop on this merry-go-round life and collect myself. Each time i did this small…very small…voice would creep up in me and say…”There must be more to life than this” and as desperate as i was…this question always held me back…because she made me think…what if there was? because frankly if this was it to life then what was the point? Please know that what i say next is what saved me and while i do believe it is the answer to everyones hurt…Im not posting this to force belief on anyone
the grooms dad was giving a speech about the so called ‘freedoms’ without consequences we enjoy today and then he said the words that changed my life forever….”But true freedom is found in Jesus Christ”…now i had no idea what he meant…i’d heard a bit about God etc growing up and always kinda thought there had to be something going on upstairs for this world to turn etc but nothing beyond that….BUT when i heard those words…it was like everything in me attempted to jump out of my skin and run towards them…that same little voice came back and said THAT is your answer! For the sake of not writting a full on story here…I chased after that…found a church and people who loved me and cared for me and held me up as God began the task of fixing 23yrs of broken pieces. They encouraged me when i got frustrated that life ws getting better quick enough and reminded me that I’d had 23yrs of my life…God had only had 6mths…give the poor fella some time lol and what i realised is that it took such gentlness for him to take one piece of shard at a time and heal it…restore it and make it apart of me again….It’s been 6yrs since i chased after those words and i still remember that moment sitting in my car when i literally felt the presence of God and screamed ‘holy crap your real’ lol not the most lady like of responses i know but until then he had just been an idea of hope. Life is still hard and challenges still come…but i have peace admist them now and a trust in something greater…i’ve seen my life turn around and have had purpose and hope and love restored. I would love to bring you to my church 
to show you an amazing bunch of people you can trust and fall on but if you can take just one thing from me…take my saving thought…..”there has got to be more to life than this”
I spent years living on that merry-go-round until one night…at a wedding of all places
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I did suffer for a long time with depression. I thought nobody suffered this feeling only me. My depression detroyed relationships with partners and friends. I wanted to be liked but my personality was driving people away. My only salvation was medication. I do not care now if people like me and my confidence has grown. Please see a doctor and try antidepression tablets. If you find that they make you sick try another until you find the right medication for you. I have been on medication for over 10 years and I will never stop taking them. They are not addictive. All the best my friend.
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Dear heart, you get through this one breath at a time, one day at a time and by marshaling whatever forces you can.
You don’t have to go through this alone. A good GP, medication and counsellors are all the things you need.
Remember, and I can say this without ever meeting you, you are worthy and you are loveable.
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It is terrible to hear that you feel this way. I have been, there as have so many others before you and still. I was feeling the same way and my partner was helpless but desperate to fix me. In the end I sought asssistance through a clinical psych who has been great and given me the skills to persevere and get through tough moments – which everyone has. I do think you should seek help but unless there is something chemically wrong with your brain I would discourage meds. Everyone goes through tough times and many people are severely depressed. Medication is great for some but not for all and for many causes more problems at the end of the day. Be good and kind to yourself! You’re the most important person on your world and your son needs you.
Much love. x
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Me again, a suggestion for you. Why don’t you print these comments out, especially the ones that speak to you. Put them around your house. On your bathroom mirror. On your fridge. Know in your bleakest moments, that when you read these words that we have so much love for you. We want for you to be here and to be okay.
I woke up thinking of you today and I will continue to carry you in my thoughts.
Big love,
Sarah xxx
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I was thinking of u this morning too. I’m sorry I didn’t mention ur precious daughter last night. it’s not fair she died. When my son died he was my first – and there’s that double edged sword. I had nobody to get up for in the mornings which gave me time and space for grieving. whilst thankfully ur son gives u a reason to get up unfortunately ur time to grieve for ur little girl plus other loses is almost zero.
Sarah I love ur idea to print out the comments that have meaning.
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Ur son will b a far more compassionate human being because of these early experiences. if u were the bad parent u fear, ur dear child wouldn’t be concerning u at all . which means ur role as parent YOU ARE DOING WELL! like others commenting I too am depressed and I’m very pleased mamamia staff have helped u with finding good resources.I wish u well
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I meant lego not Leo!
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It does get better. Hold onto to that. The right doctor. The right meds. Focusing on what matters most – your little boy. He is worth living for. You can do it for him. The right drugs help so so much. Don’t be afraid. You can get there! After that, focus on the fun things to give a new purpose to every day. Trying out a craft, searching for the perfect cupcake with your son. Building a huge Leo together. Movie nights with popcorn and pizza and setting up a mattress in front of the tv and falling asleep together. Games nights on the wii. Find the best playground in your town/city – do a rating together on the computer when you come home. I live for that stuff now. Small goals. Tiny joys. Plus the meds and a great doc. One step, then the next. Good luck.
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I am in absolute tears right now Anonymous as my whole soul arches for you. If I was facing you, I would hug you right now.Thank you for sharing you story. Having suffered from Post Natal depression I can relate to some of your feelings…then I read a book,, It is called “The power of now” by Eckhart Tolle.It helped me to appreciate and truly live each moment without getting caught in my thoughts about the past or the future. This is hard to do all the time but with practice becomes easier. The concept helped me “see the light”. The terrible things that were done to you are in the past and they can no longer hurt you. I cannot comment on the loss of you child but only imagine what it feels like, I can just mourn with you and pray that you find some peace.
Love yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself.
All my love
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Life is so so unfair at times. People have written beautifully, as have you anon. Just wanted to send my love and support and also my HUGE admiration for the strength you must have to still be here. You’re amazing xx
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So hard to know what to say and so many comments already that hopefully amongst them all there will be something, just one thing that catches your attention enough to question how you are feeling. You are precious, your child is precious…as is your life. I have not been through what you are experiencing but have witnessed a mother take her own life and leave her only child behind and have seen the impact it has had on the child. With help, as others have suggested, you can and will get better. Depression is treatable with the right medication and therapy, same as any physical disease. But if you are not ready for that just yet then please hang on, if only for the sake of your child and then you will get the chance to begin proper treatment
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I’ll start by saying what most people have said – I’m so sorry these things have happened to you. Please cut yourself some slack – I’m amazed you’re still sane.
Secondly, please get yourself to a GP tomorrow if you haven’t already. Be honest with them and explain where you’re at. You need to be under the care of a psychiatrist first to get you on some meds to help you a bit and then under the care of a psychologist. A lot of this cost can go through medicare to begin with.
Please don’t delay – you are depressed (quite rightly so) and need some help. Please don’t think you need to be strong enough to do this on your own.
I wish I knew you to help you through this and support you in any way I could. But the only thing I can say is please get help. And please be kind to yourself. Both you and your little boy deserve a bright future after such darkness and by asking for help here it sounds like you are ready to accept help.
I hope you have people close to you who can help you.
Much love xxxxxx
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Anon, I don’t understand the dark hole you find yourself in. I fervently hope that I never do. But I do know what it is like to have a parent, one of the most beloved persons in you life, live in that dark, dark place, day-in, day-out, for decades. I want to let you know that you are NOT an unforgivable parent. No, you’re precious little boy probably doesn’t understand why mummy needs to rest all the time, why she doesn’t smile, why she sometimes has to leave to go to hospital so that doctors can ‘make her better’. I certainly didn’t know why my father had to disappear for months at a time. He looked fine to me; but ouches on the inside are hard for a child to understand.
And once I was old enough to understand the concept of clinical depression, I loved my parent more, not less. Because even when he had no joy left in his life, when every breath brought pain, he stuck around for me. He took all the drugs, went to all the therapy sessions and checked himself into ‘respite care’ (as my mother jokingly calls it) because he knew that he had to live for his children.
Your son will one day understand that his favourite blanket can’t help mummy. I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, he will be proud and thankful that you decided to stay in this world, if only for him. Because, although it is hell on earth for a parent to lose a child, it is equal agony for a child to lose their parent. Especially when they chose to leave.
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Depression is an insidious illness that strips you of your ability to see past your own selfishness….
I know.
I have tried to take my own life – I wanted my pain to STOP…. but I really was not thinking of the PAIN I was putting my children through…
My wake up call – the words I heard to sharply JOLT me out of my own well of blackness…… “What could I do Mum to make you happy? I’ll do anything, please what will make you happy so you won’t try to die?”
With those words, I picked myself up – walked myself to the doctors and found a new psychatrist, a therapist and with my GP I see all of them regularly.
I now look at them as my Army.. my Army who is relentless in fighting against the darkness of depression and anxiety……
Love, Hugs and the most very best wishes for you xx Please Hug your little one tight, as he does not want you to die – YOU are his world.
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I just wanted to send my love and hope to you.
xxx
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Oh darling, for what it’s worth this world wants you in it. It needs you in it. I, a total stanger sitting here in my living room, am sitting here with trears streaming down my face at the thought of you no longer being in this world. what you are going through is so hard, hard beyond words and I am not going to pretend that I know how it feel but what I do know is that you are worth fighting for. Your life means something, to me, to others, to your son, to your freinds, to your mum, your dad, your sister, your brother, your work colleagues, to so, so many people. This world would be a much worse place without you in it. I know this isn’t about us, it’s about you but hopefully by making it a bit about us you can catch a glimmer of how important you truly are. That you are loved and wanted and needed.
Hang in there. Hang in there. Hold on tight. Fight with every inch of your life. know that we are here. I wish with all my heart that I could take away your pain, even for just a day.
Sending love, strength, hope and peace for you now and always.
Sarah xxxx
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I’m so, so sorry to read this and so wish there was something I could do to help you. I wish I could give you a hug or wave a magic wand and make it all better.
I can honestly say I know how you feel as far as the horrible depression, especially the guilt you are feeling that your child is trying to comfort you when you feel you should be comforting them. I have recently been there but can say that after seeking help from professionals, things are getting better.
I remember writing a letter to mamamia when I was in the depths of despair and having people tell me it was going to be alright and that it would pass and that once I got help, things would improve. Although I know this to be true, at the time, it was of no help. The black cloud that you are living in seems endless, like something that is slowly engulfing you. As I just said, having people tell me that it would pass didn’t help but you have to hold onto the fact that if you get some help, reach out (like you are doing here), you can begin to heal. You can begin to rebuild and begin to love and live again. It’s just a hard journey. So hard.
I wish, I so wish I could do something to lessen your pain right this very moment and I cannot even begin to understand how you must feel after the terrible loss and abuse you have suffered. I just want to say that you are not alone. The dark cloud is not only surrounding you, it surrounds many and the more you talk about it (or write about it) and the more you ask for help, the more chance you have that it will begin to lift and you will begin to live again.
I send all my thoughts and love to you. It is a horrible, frightening place to be and you are doing the right thing by reaching out.
Please, hang in there. Kiss your child. Tell them how much you love them. Tell them everything is going to be ok, even if you don’t believe it just yet.
Kate
x
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Dear Anonymous
I don’t really know what to say, I don’t have any great words of wisdom or advice. But I am sending you love and truly hope that you find the strength to carry on. I can’t begin to imagine your pain but know that the world is a better place with you in it. Your writing touched me. Please keep writing.
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Please seek professional help.
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Anon, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please know that God is crying with you, She is heartbroken with you, She is loving you and surrounding you. I know it can feel like God is so far away, that feeling is real and I acknowledge it, but I truly believe God is with you now and always.
Please keep going. Please don’t die. Your life has meaning and purpose, even if right now you can’t see it. God bless you.
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Oh dear oh dear, I haven’t got any piece of advise and while I’ve been borderline depressed (enough to get me started with a therapist, and oh the difference), I’ve never actually wanted my life to end. Yes, I’ve had thoughts about how much easier it would be if I didn’t wake up in the morning, but that’s where it ended.
I feel like reaching out to you though, and give you a great big cuddle. Writing this post is a good sign that you’re reaching out and hopefully you can get help and start living the rest of your life.
Please accept therapeutic help, and if the first one you try doesn’t feel right the search elsewhere and have faith that a happier existence is out there for you. You’ve been through so much and you’re still standing. Don’t give up now, you’re loved and valued and needed!!!
Kisses to you xxx
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Please live for your child. find the blessing in your little one. As someone who’s mother has tried to kill herself on numerous occassions, it’s something you don’t recover from or ever understand. Be strong and focus on loving your child. Don’t let her experience the pain you are feeling. Teach her how to go on, how to survive, and be the best role model you can be. You are stronger than you think. You are still living when others would have given up. Life will get better, just keep hoping and trusting like so many of us do. Sending you lots of love xxxx
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Dear Anonymous,
Even though right now you feel broken, shattered, segmented and disconnected from the world you have the strength within you that you need to overcome this. It sounds like you have been dealt some cruel blows but the first thing I can advise you is that the key to happiness comes from within yourself. It can’t be found in search for something external or beyond yourself. If you keep searching for it anywhere but within you, you will search forever.
My advice to you is this -When you are consumed by blackness focus on something small. Focus on surviving the immediate. Surviving the next minute, the next ten minutes, the next half an hour. Go for a walk, listen to some music, have a drink of water. Find some small goal to focus on in the here and now.
Then start bringing those ‘here and now’ goals into longer term goals. How am I going to survive the next hour? until 3pm? today? tonight? this week? Break it down, think about what you can do in this minute and not about how you will solve all the problems in your life.
First you must survive…much, much later down the track when you are stronger you can begin to heal.
Think of some ‘survival strategies’…a list of things you can do to get through the minutes and hours of the day. Walk, run, play music, write, paint, draw, go for a drive, watch you favourite movie, have a bath, pat your dog, read to your child, clean the cupboards, phone a friend, bake a cake. They can be small, mundane things but they are the activities that will become your ‘go to’ when it all gets too much and you don’t think you can survive the rest of the day.
The next piece of advice I have is that you must, must, must build a support network for yourself which should probably involve some professional support by means of some psychological counselling or perhaps even medicinal support from a psychiatrist.
I was once told that for many of us, overcoming depression without medication is like asking an asthmatic to breathe without ventolin. No matter how hard you try, no matter how deeply you breathe, you simple cannot begin to heal without the proper support for your body on a physiological level.
I know the prospect probably sounds exhausting, but starting off by seeing your GP is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself.
Most importantly remember that nothing in this life is permanent. Not the good, nor the bad. There will be a time when you can look back on these dark days. But for now, while you are in them, remind yourself that they will not last forever. Even if you don’t believe it, tell yourself that you have the strength to get through this.
Be kind to yourself. Hope is not lost, it’s just hiding beneath a shadow right now.
My best wishes are with you.
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Firstly, can I start by saying you are an amazing descriptive writer! Depression is one of those hard things to put into words and you do it so beautifully.
I don’t believe anyone who takes their life really wants to die. They want the pain to stop. And there lies the big difference.
Remember that depression isn’t just a ”thing” you have, it’s an illness and it should be treated as one. With any illness, the first remedy might not work and you move on to a 2nd, 3rd or 4th opnion. Find the one that fits with you. You have been dealt a very shitty hand in life, but there are those good things too.
I know it is easy to say, just think of your child, they should be reason enough to stay. Believe me, had my sister had thought of us, she would be here still. I know at these times there would be tunnel vision and having the skills to cope with these is so important.
I know it must also feel like at times you are alone, but as the comments on here show, you are never, ever alone. There are some fabulous places that have some wonderful resources.
I wish you all the strength in the world for this very hard, long journey. I don’t know if you will ever ‘get over it’ but I am certain there is a way to a brighter future.
I think you are incredibly brave and inspirational for writing such an emotional piece of writing.
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“I don’t believe anyone who takes their life really wants to die. They want the pain to stop. And there lies the big difference.”
So astutely said
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I’m not a great writer but I want to say some things.
You have a depression that is all consuming. It is all about you. Only your own thoughts, feelings, actions and words can help you.
If you talk kindly to yourself about your depression you will gain a deeper understanding. To verbalise your feelings, even to yourself, helps. Then give yourself some loving advice. This also helps you talk to others that love and support you.
This was advice from my psychiatrist. I learnt that I could be kind to myself. And also that sometimes I could actually support others. I had a kindness and empathy. That felt good.
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The best advice i ever received and what i practiced for a while on a daily basis after the breakdown of my marriage, the betrayel of my husband of 15 years and the custody battle based on hatred and lies that broke me and our family in half. Also the rebound relationship that was way too intense for that time of my life.
HOLD ONTO SOMETHING. Grab the desk, the steering wheel, your children, feel them under you fingertips.
YOU ARE HERE, your are NOT the product of your circumstances you are the product of your reaction.
It doesnt go away but you get better at dealing with things and when you do you will be so proud of yourself, I PROMISE.
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Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for having the courage to put your feelings into words and then share them in such a public space.
The saddest thing I felt reading your post is that you are definitely not alone and there are so many people in the same position as you.
All I can say is that our thoughts are with you and no one should ever have to go through what you already have been.
I’m certainly not a qualified counsellor so I will refrain from giving you any advice except to focus on the joy that you still do have in your life, in your son.
Perhaps by trying desperately to focus on what you do enjoy in your life it will go someway to helping you get through each day.
Good luck!
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Anonymous, I don’t know where to start except like other women that have posted I just want to hug you and tell you that somewhere you have the strength to keep going. No matter how empty and hopeless everything seems there are always reasons, some large some very tiny to keep getting up each day.. To keep going the way you have I applaud you.. I hope that you find someone to guide you through this, to give you a nudge in the right direction, To be your rock when your struggling and someone to applaud your successes because they will come.. I hope you find help, I’m not the praying type of person but you are in my thoughts and I hope that you can get the help you need….
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I don’t know about you, but “hang in there, life gets better” comments do nothing for me. Ive also done all of the self help and therapy blah blah but nothing really helps. Also, you need to stay motivated to do that stuff, and being motivated to do anything when youre miserable and suicidal is difficult as hell.
Just know that I am writing to you after not getting out of bed, speaking, showering, or brushing my hair for 4 days. The only thing I can say is that you are not alone. Good Luck.
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God dosent make any of this happen.
Situations just happen.
The ebb and flow of life.
The up and down of life.
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Anonymous , I have never experienced anything like what you have. I don’t know you, and although I feel apprehensive speaking to you like this, I , like so many other women on here, support you. I hope you receive the help you need and you and your son can find your happy ending xo
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Anonymous, my heart goes out to you – no one ever, ever, ever deserves what you have been through. More importantly, none of it is your own doing.
Unfortunately our journey is our journey, and for some the steps are very hard, fatiguing and seemingly to no point.
I am here to tell you that there is a point, you have a purpose and you are a successful mother. ALL of this in-spite of what you have been through, in-spite of what you are feeling. You have a caring and compassionate son, you are a forgivable parent and you are worth every ounce of effort you make every day to open your eyes and face the day. That in itself is an achievement.
Days and nights can bring demons, nightmares, flashbacks and it can be very hard to see past all of this into your now, your present and even to consider a future. There is always a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, and it doesn’t need to be a train.
I am sharing this because I too am on a journey; much similar to yours in some aspects, different in others. It has been a crappy one, a hopeful one, a terrifying one, but most importantly, it has been one that I have continued to face day after day, no matter how much I didn’t want to see the next day.
You can get there – it isn’t rosy, rainbows and butterflies; but it is worth it, every step, no matter how hard, is worth it.
You need support, help, to reach out further. You have reached out here, and that first step, putting up your hand, is the hardest; but is shouldn’t be the last. My therapist, husband and others in my support team (medical and friends) have been irreplaceable. I simply would not be here without them. I started with my GP and it has gone from there.
It is hard, but one day in the future you will have this wonderful realisation – you can smile back at your son and mean it.
Please take care of yourself and from the bottom of my heart, I wish for you a supported journey. xx
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You are not alone. I want you to know that if you hold on things will get better and the light will come back on. I have been suffering from crushing depression and anxiety for the past 6 months (and still am experiencing panic attacks) but slowly things are getting better. The little things are getting me through.. finding beauty in the ordinary… being grateful for what I do have while trying not to focus on what I don’t have…. my son and his sense of humour.
Keep going, even when you think it’s impossible. You are a strong, beautiful person who has touched many people by sharing your story. You have probably helped countless people today without realising. I am hoping and praying for you. I want you to make it. Please don’t give up.
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Oh, Anonymous. Like so many others here, I want to give you a hug. But since this is the internet, that’s not possible.
So, I want to say this to you. Sometimes life is shit. Really shit. And it may not just get better on its own. Get the help you need, the help you deserve. And you do deserve it. Everyone does. You can’t get by in this crazy world without a hand now and then; whether it be from a friend, a relative, a stranger, or a professional. Find the help you need, the help that works best for you. It can be a long search, but I promise it’s worth it. Try different things. Something or someone out there can help you through the darkness.
Know that there is light at the other end. Sure, you have to get there, but it is there waiting for you. It won’t go anywhere, it just waits for you. And it’s worth getting there.
Don’t feel bad, ashamed, or embarrassed by what you’re feeling. If we all admitted when we were struggling and asked for help, life would be a lot easier. There are SO many people out there who have gone through some kind of darkness in their lives, you are not alone. And there is NOTHING wrong with admitting that you’re having a tough time, or that you need help. Know that.
Hang in there. Get help. With a little hand and work, it DOES get better.
Sending all the love and best wishes I can muster to you and your son.
xo
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