‘When I was really skinny, people were always telling me about it.’
by KATE FRIDKIS
When I was really skinny, people were always telling me about it.
“You’re so skinny!”
Just in case I’d forgotten.
Sometimes they said it like a compliment. As though if you peeled those words back the words underneath would say “you’re so beautiful.”
Sometimes they said it like they were sort of pissed off at me. Like, who did I think I was, being skinny like that?
Sometimes they said it and then they said, “You need to eat something. I’m worried.” And looked all worried.
I learned that I was skinny through other girls and women constantly pointing it out. Until I was told what I looked like for the thousandth or so time, I actually hadn’t given my weight any thought. And then it turned out that I was skinny. Which was probably due mostly to my metabolism and partly to the fact that my parents cooked vegetables from my mom’s garden and chicken (always chicken! Unless it was, please, please no, fish. Ugh) for dinner.
It turned out that I was skinny. But more to the point, it turned out that being skinny was important. It said something meaningful about me.
And it continued to say all sorts of important and meaningful things about me, right up into college, when I could eat sugary cereal at ANY TIME, for any meal. It meant “at LEAST you’re skinny” when I didn’t feel pretty. And “skinny IS pretty” when I felt that everything else about me wasn’t that attractive.
And “you must be a runner” to the people who attributed it to discipline and activeness, neither of which are words that really describe me at all. It meant “sexy” sometimes. “Better.” It meant “you’d better not get heavier.” It meant “why are you better than me?” from some women. It meant “you don’t deserve it” from others. It meant “why do you think you’re better than me?” from even more.
I’m sorry.
And honestly, I don’t think about all of that very much these days, because it’s been years since I was really skinny. It’s been years since someone said those words. “You’re so skinny!” with the squeaky exclamation point.
And for the most part, I can’t say that I miss it. I’ve had to figure out that I might be beautiful anyway. I’ve had to figure out that I might not be, and that might be OK, too.
But the other day I saw a friend who I hadn’t seen in a year, and she was really skinny. And I thought those words. I kept my mouth shut, though. Because I should know better.
At brunch she said, suddenly, “I know, I’m really skinny. I’m not doing it on purpose.”
“Oh, god,” I said, awkward. “I wasn’t going to say anything. I mean, you look great. I mean, it doesn’t matter.”
“It’s just that people are always telling me how skinny I am,” she said. “And they act like I’m working at it, but I’m not. And I think they’re a little angry at me.”
She is thin anyway — it’s just the way her body works — and also she just went through a tough breakup. She was starting to feel a little better when we met up. I watched her wolf down a bagel and scrambled eggs and fluffy honey biscuits with plenty of butter. She told me that she’s self-conscious about her skinniness.
And I realized that I had been judging her.
In the back of my mind, if you’d listened really closely, you would have heard a voice going:
Well, damn. My arms are about twice the bulk of her arms, and I’m wearing a tank top, and she probably feels sorry for me for having my arms. I could never wear that shirt she’s wearing. It would never look good on me. Everything looks so good on her. Maybe she’s trying to be skinny. Well, it’s working. Maybe she thinks I don’t have any discipline. And I guess she’s right. God. Why don’t I have any discipline, ever? Did I actually eat an entire bag of chips the other day, while watching Breaking Bad on Netflix? Yes. I have become this. A person who needs to eat a bag of chips while watching TV. I am a couch potato. Chip.
Kate Fridkis
And when she said that thing — about her own body — I felt suddenly guilty. I suddenly suspected that I was very close to becoming one of those women who take the time to care about how skinny other women are.
I had forgotten the particular weirdness of being an accidentally skinny girl.
It’s so easy to think that someone else’s body is a commentary on your own. When it’s definitely not. When it’s definitely just their body.
So, to my lovely and skinny friend, I’m sorry. The years that I spent as a skinny girl and the years that I’ve spent after that have taught me something. I know there’s more to the story. You don’t have to apologize to anyone for the way your body looks. Your body is your own, the rest of us shouldn’t get a say. I don’t think you have an eating disorder. I think you are beautiful now, and if you gain lots of weight later, I will think you are beautiful then, too, in a different but serious way.
And to all the skinny girls reading this — there’s more to your beauty than that one thing. I swear.
And to my arms, you looked fine in that tank top, and no one was looking at you anyway, so get over yourselves.
I think that’s it.
Oh, wait. To that bagel with the scrambled eggs and sable, and those honey biscuits (I had the same thing as my friend) — I miss you. I miss you so much. I’m thinking of you even now.
This post originally appeared on Huffington Post and has been republished with full permission.
Kate Fridkis blogs at Eat the Damn Cake. Her work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, the New York Times, Salon, and more. She lives in Brooklyn, NY, where she wears yoga pants without ever going to yoga. You can follow her on Twitter here.
How often do you engage in ‘body image commentary’? Are you guilty of ‘skinny bashing’?
Comments
94 Comments so far
I’m slim and I love being told so. I’ve also never experienced this nastiness from other women that you speak of. I realise for some women experiencing eating disorders that commenting on their weight is inappropriate. But really, being told you’re skinny is usually a compliment, even if the comment is tinged with envy, I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. Just take it as a compliment or ignore it, there are far worse things to worry about!
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Its not fair to call someone skinny even though it is socially acceptable. I can’t go around calling bigger women fat! I hate when my friends compare themselves to my naturally slender body. It’s awkward. And yes, I do think it is much more common to be bashed for being overweight. But it’s hateful for you to comment things like that this isn’t a real complaint because it is. The point is to stop the body bashing, on both sides… Really ALL sides becuase no two bodies are the same! Especially stop the bashing on ourselves!
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Although I don’t agree with everything in this post i do understand where she is coming from. It is embaressing to be told you are skinny- what am I supposed to say to that???! Especially if it is front of my sister who has been dealing with her weight since she was a teenager. I don’t think it is appropriate to comment on someone’s weight whatever it is- I never do. I too agree that larger women get far worse than a bit of embaressement- but good to hear another story nonetheless.
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Articles such as this self-deprecating one exclaiming how terrible it is to be skinny reinforce negative attitudes towards fat people. Body imade and general self esteem is a major issue and I understand that people regardless of size feel pressure from society/friends/family and strangers to look a certain way.
However I doubt that the critiques you receive as a thin person outweighs the privileges you get from being thin.
I’ve been fat, large, chubby and tall for my age my entire life. I have a serious medical condition which impacts on this, but have endured systemic discrimination from hospitals, doctors, teachers, peers and strangers.
My experience similarly is nothing compared to those experiencing racism/homophobia/ableism/classism/structural disadvantage.
Our bodies are our own. We must endeavour to be less critical. The author fails to recognise the more serious issues of the attempts to disempower and destroy any chance of self-acceptance of those targeted by the media’s concern about the ‘obesity epidemic’.
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I hate people commenting on my weight. It’s not who I am! My husband is tall and super skinny and I hate people commenting on that. He can’t help it’s how he is. He eats heaps (we both do) and he’d love to put on more weight!!
We don’t comment on people when they’ve put on weight so why should we comment when people haven’t been trying to lose weight and it’s just how they are??
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my cause for concern is that unfortunately I am suffering from anorexia nervosa and at 37kilos, i was told the other day by a shop assistant that i was “lucky to be so skinny” and that she was “jealous” because i would look good in everything.
lucky? Look good? in a bikini at the beach? In a nice flowing dress with my hip bones poking out like some gaunt-like alien creature?
It’s a touchy subject I know, but i just wanted to say that i was upset more at the fact that she was looked at me in a way that said she was unhappy in her own body. I just wanted to shake her and tell her she was beautiful and her body was gorgeous and to just be happy with it. I’m trying my hardest to work on my own happiness.
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I don’t necessarily agree that it’s bad taste to comment on someone’s body. Sometimes when you compliment someone about something, it’s something they themselves didn’t even realise. I had always thought of myself as a bit of an ugly duckling so I’m super grateful that one of my friends constantly told me that I have hot legs. I never saw it at first, but now, I feel comfort in being able to focus on something about myself that I like (rather than the other stuff I didn’t). If I’m having an off day, sometimes it’s nice to play up that feature and feel better. And everyone has something nice about them, whether it’s their eyes, arms or teeth!
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I don’t think it’s okay to comment on someone else’s body unless they specifically ask for a comment.
However, that said.
I have been on the fat side and skinny and average and would now probably be called slim by most people, and it is my experience that for every time skinniness is commented on in a derogatory way- for every remark about “real women” – there are twenty or thirty affirmations from everywhere around you, from images, from complimentary looks, from shop assistants, that you are indeed the most ‘real’ and acceptable sort of woman to society at large.
It just isn’t true that the unpleasantness you encounter as a skinny woman is anywhere near the level of unpleasantness you encounter as a fat woman.
Yes, skinny women are constantly judged on their body shape, but news flash! So is every single woman, because the problem is that people as socialised to think it’s appropriate to judge any woman on her body shape and make a subsequent assessment as to her personal qualities from that. That’s the part that sucks.
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To all of those complaining about being called “skinny” and not “real women”, spend a single day in a ‘fat’ suit, and you will never complain about the issue again. I promise you.
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I don’t understand how that’s relevant.
Calling someone skinny is actually a bad connotation, the opposite inequivalent of that would be calling someone fat rather than voluptuous. I get quite offended with this double standard thing that larger women have against women who happen to be slender and healthy. It’s just socially acceptable to bag someone who’s slender. I don’t go around saying to someone who’s a bigger size than me to “lose some weight” or “you’re a bit chub aren’t you?” because I’m a respectful person who realises women come in all shapes and sizes to pass judgement on that would be stupid.
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Just because someone has it worse than you doesn’t make your own problems go away. You can rationalise it all you want but being called anorexic, unhealthy and ‘not a real woman’ still hurts. It makes me feel infertile and a bit worthless.
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i almost cried reading this post, i used to be naturally thin until my ballet teachers made me nuts about it. Then i got over it and was a dancer an had an amazing body that i still thought was fat. I then fell into touring and partying too hard and got even thinner. I eventually had to stop and then i began putting on weight. I am now the biggest i have ever been (170cm 74kg) I was about 55kg) I want to be a median 65kg which will still be round but not flabby. I have realised how much of my self esteem was wrapped up in having a great body and now that i don’t its weird. So thanks for reminding me that i am not my body shape, but i have other things going for me.
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I am still that skinny glrl and I still don’t feel comfortable wearing skirts or anything that shows my legs! When I was growing up people used to put their fingers around my wrists and exclaim “Oh my god, do you have anorexia?” It made me incredibly self-conscience of my gangly limbs, and it is only after 2 children that I am thankful for what my body can do and feel less hung up on how it looks. Being skinny is not always a blessing.
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I’m sorry I find it really hard to feel sympathy for you just because people call you thin. The fact is that thin is considered to be better in our society, if people are commenting on it – it is because they are probably jealous of you and they don’t see it as an insult and would find it difficult to understand that you would find it insulting. Infact most of comments here are reinforcing the dogma that “thin is better” – I look after myself, I am lucky, blessed etc. Most of you in your comments are conceding that in today’s society it is far better to be considered thin than overweight. It is entirely different to calling someone fat as that is widely regarded as insulting and a putdown. We have to look at the intention behind people’s comments before we start over-reacting. Besides why does it matter what people are saying? Or for that matter what they are thinking? Surely you know you are worth more than what you look like.
Personally I find it in bad taste to comment on any aspect of a person’s body – it is just a body and does not symbolise who they are as a person. I don’t see it as a character flaw if you over indulge, similarly I don’t think you are a superior being if you have the discipline to get up at 5am every morning to go for a run. They are your values, your entitled to them, however, they’re certainly not mine. What I will judge you on is who you are as a person and how you treat other people.
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Well said!
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I have to agree. Most women get comments on their body at one time or another, and to have comments that indicate that you’re closer to societies ideal of beauty is not the worst problem to have.
I have massive boobs, and have always gotten comments on them. If I wear a normal top it looks a lot sluttier on me than it would on someone else because my boobs are bigger. A lot of the comments or looks are rude or judgemental and unnecessary but really I know I’m lucky because a lot of women would love to have my boobs. Ditto, a lot of women would love to be thin, and are really struggling with being overweight. So while I’m sorry if people are rude about you being skinny, consider whether you would rather be fat and prehaps be happy with your lot in life.
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Great post. I’m slim (size 6-8) but have huge boobs, so I’ve never really had those critical (“you’re not a really woman”, “I’m worried about you”) comments.
To throw my two cents in, I think people feel they have the right to comment on people being skinny, because skinny is commonly accepted as socially desirable and is associated with beauty. If you tell someone they’re fat, you’re being blatently and knowingly rude and hurtful, whereas if you tell someone they’re skinny you’re suggesting (by implication) that they’re closer to Western notions of beauty. So people probably feel like they’re allowed to comment because *it can’t possibly be an insult*(!).
The common undertone of malice or the additional ‘helpful’ comment like “you should eat something!” probably stems from jealousy. When people feel jealous they want to bring the person down a peg. Rather than thinking “she looks amazing being that thin, I should probably get off my arse and exercise” it’s much easier to think “hmm, she looks thin – but men wouldn’t find that attractive” or “she’s got a nice body, but she obviously starves herself. I’d rather be happy and heavier than obsessive and neurotic”. Those kind of comments come from people’s feelings about their own bodies most of the time.
Also, a lot of the time people probably just think it’s a complement, no matter how they say it. I’d love for someone to tell me I’m too skinny!!
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I lost 10kg once through illness and the attention I got for it was pretty freaky. You’d swear I’d done something worthy of a Nobel Prize. It reminded me that despite what people say, we live in a society that’s obsessed with body beautiful. But I’m ashamed to admit I miss all those compliments …
http://housegoeshome.com/2012/01/13/fatty-acid/
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OMG!!!!! Finally a post about what it’s like to be skinny. Thankyou MM.
At 31years old and two kids later I have always been thin ever since I can remember through primary school, highschool, pregnancy, my weight has pretty much stayed the same.
I have heard all the skinny comments/ jokes other people have mentioned below and as for finding clothes/ bras etc that fit properly that’s another story altogether.
I eat well, love my food and am just blessed with a fast metabolism and good genes.
I’m over being told : to eat more, go to Maccas that will fatten you up, you don’t eat enough, if you turn sidways we won’t see you. You’re skin and bones! Geez do you eat you are soo skinny! Get some food into ya. You’re skin and bones girl geeez just look at you. Blah blah. blah.
FFS ….It is insulting and it drives me nuts. And by the many replies lots of other people nuts too!
My response lately has been … I actually do eat well, I probably eat more than you do…. has piped a few people down!!
As for the FB photos about Real men liking real women with curves they are sooo sooo annoying… I have added my share of comments to them when they come across my wall!
It’s ‘nice’ to know there are other people in the same situation and to be able to compare stories xxx
(P.S excuse any spelling/ grammar errors wrote this in between cooking dinner)
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This post is really repeditive, skinny this and skinny that.
But I can really relate to this. I don’t take it to heart but it just gets annoying all these assumptions, almost like ‘well it’s so easy for you because you’re skinny’. No I am not underweight. I eat properly. I am healthy. What is your problem? I am happy and comfortable the way my body looks, I don’t need to be criticised by someone who doesn’t even know me well.
I’m also tired of the media and some people referring to ‘real women’ as anyone over a size 10. Urgh.
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OMG yes! I’ve always been skinny, scarily so when I was younger. People always asked me from the age of about 6 whether I had anorexia or whether I was sick. It is insulting. You can’t argue with the fact that implying to another person that they are sick or unhealthy or not a ‘real woman’ (seriously, fuck those campaigns. They make me feel unsexy and downright sterile). People who said these types of comments made me feel weak and small.
And to all these ladies who are complaining about being bullied about being (or being percieved to be) overweight vs underweight; IT IS NOT A COMPETITION! We shouldn’t be bullying anyone based on their appearance and it doesn’t matter “who has it worse” its not acceptable in any form.
Skinny might be closer to “societies ideal of beauty”, but so what? being skinny doesn’t automatically make you beautiful or happy. You can die of anorexia and you can die of obesity. How about we focus on being healthy inside and out instead of nitpicking at each other weights and “who has it worse”!
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I love this post! I am a thin nearly 40 year old and everyone comments on my body ALL.THE.TIME. I can’t tell you how often I get asked if there is something wrong with me. I feel the need to apologise for the fact that I am thin and I have got to the point where I am quite self conscious about it. It is okay to comment when someone is thin but not if you are large – imagine saying to someone ‘wow… You have put on so much weight…is there something wrong?!!
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I used to be skinny very very skinny it was just the way I was. I didn’t excercise although I was accused of lying. If I ate a salad friends would comment, if I went to the toilet after a meal I never heard the end of it.
I hated it I felt like I was always being judged. I had to buy children’s clothing because I was too small.
Now I’m a little too big and I hate that too the interesting thing is no one comments any more.
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love this post!
Its quite uncomfortable if someone says ‘you’re looking thin’, I often feel like a have to justify myself by reciting a list of food I’ve recently eaten, or saying I love my food, I’m Italian!
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It’s the double standard which has always got me. No one would ever say “You’re so fat, you should eat less” – especially to a friend. But to a skinny girl, it’s a different set of rules.
I’m 5’7 and a size six. Have always been tiny. My parents and brother are the same. But I am healthy.
I have HATED being skinny since I was about 16 (now 25). I’ve been to nutritionists. I have tried numerous ways of eating, but to no avail.
I have learnt to ignore it to a point, but I hate people who comment on how skinny I am.
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”one would ever say “You’re so fat, you should eat less” . @ Simone. Actually people DO say stuff like that. And often it’s strangers who have no problems snidely saying it to overweight women when out in public. I’ve previously had members of my own family say *exactly* that. I think the take-home message is that everyone should just keep their opinions to themselves. Saying things like that to anyone is not helpful.
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What a great article. I am naturally thin, growing up I had issues of not feeling like a woman because I didn’t have big boobs or curvy hips and bore the brunt of all the thin comments. I am over that now and certainly over hearing about the whole “real women” issue. Who is the authority on what a real woman is anyway? I am more concerned with my health in general due to our family history of heart disease so forgive me if I look thin while I try avoid a heart attack!!
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Real women have a vagina, or are at least planning to have one.
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I’m also over the whole ‘real women’ thing that the media love to tout. I’m thin, not skinny, but I’m still a real women!
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What’s great is that the same people who give you what is basically a backhanded compliment of ‘gee, you’re looking skinny’ also feel only they have the right to talk about their bodies. Sure, I’m skinny but I should be allowed to talk about how I can’t do up my buttons this week or I feel bloated as hell. I also have a body that causes me some distress at times. You always get ‘oh shhh you’re tiny’. Ok sorry, I’ll just listen to your drivel about detox juices and sit her and chew on these double standards.
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I have a skinny friend who does nothing to stay skinny except, occasionally, skip meals. Horrifacally I feel JELOUS of her, for having that sort of discipline and I feel like crap that I have to work out 3 or 4 times a week to stay skinny. Then I remember I’m being an idiot, and that skipping meals isn’t healthy and if I was a GOOD friend I’d be more concerned about her health and happiness than her appearance.
I’d love to blame society and fashion magazine but really some times humans can be selfish and stupid and we just have to remember that the best thing you can be is happy and healthy. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
Thanks for this post MM
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I was always big as a kid but didn’t actually realise how big I was until high school when other kids started to pay me out. My mum has constantly suffered from low self esteem and never wanted it for me, so her and Dad really instilled self confidence in my from day 1.
Even now, if mum looks nice I will compliment her and she always deflects the compliment “oh no I look terrible” etc. which is really sad.
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Amazing post, thank you for sharing. I was very thin in late high school and remember one of the popular girls starting a rumour that went around the whole year level that I was anorexic (I wasn’t, just thin) – I was quite shy and didn’t know how to react. It was a horrible, horrible experience. And on the other side of the coin, since then I’ve caught myself countless times comparing myself to other skinnier friends! This post is a good reminder that other people’s bodies are just that – their bodies. Not a commentary on our own. Thank you!
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I have a skinny friend. She’s drop dead gorgeous, inside and out. Eats like a horse, has three sugars in her tea. I’m a little more….fleshy, shall we say. Anyway, she’s the way she is and I’m the way I am. Fortunately no one comments on my personal appearance (apart from the odd height comment) & she cops it a lot. I did laugh when she told me a story about a woman she used to work with who took any opportunity going to tell my friend how skinny she was and how it wasn’t healthy blah, blah, blah. The woman was about a size 18. One day she was going on and on again & my friend looked at her and calmly said, “Would you like me to comment on your appearance now?”
She never did it again.
More people need to mind their own business or at the very minimum think before they open their traps.
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Are you and your friend in Sydney? I take three sugars in my tea and I don’t know anyone else who does!
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I take three sugars in my tea! My family thinks I’m nuts haha.
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I have had the “you are so skinny” comment and the “you are so tall” comment most of my adult life. It annoys me because if I were to ever say “you are so fat” or you are so short” to someone I would be shot down in flames. It is all really just stating the obvious. If you want to compliment someone don’t bang on about their height or weight.
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I’m short, I’ve had a lot of people tell me I’m short, too. Perhaps they think I didn’t know.
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Me too essessesse! I get it ALL the time.
It only gets worse when they meet my partner (who is a head taller than me). It’s all burrowed brows and whispered concerns such as “ummmm Hannah…. I don’t know to do say this but…. have you noticed your boyfriend is really tall?” It’s so frustrating!
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“Wha? OMG HE REALLY IS A SKYSCRAPER.”
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I have a couple of tall friends who like to sneak up behind me and stand really close with their chins above my head (I’m 5’2″) and wait for me to notice they’re there. They like to do this and when I notice them, they are all like, “You’re so short!”.
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Yes! I said this on a post a while ago about an add with a slender woman and flowers! My response was just don’t! Don’t comment! It is socially unacceptable to go up to someone and say your soooooo fat! YET people think it is totally acceptable to say that about thin people … Your sooooo thin! I spent my pre teens, teens and early adult hood trying to hide my stick figure, I wouldn’t even wear short sleeves! Shorts and bathers were out and dresses reached the ankle! I would swelter on hot days! I got chicken legs, lucky legs (lucky they don’t snap and go up your ass) I would be asked if I had to run round the shower to get wet, told if I turned sideways I would disappear the list goes on! But mostly I was told to eat and I DID EAT and eat huge sized meals! Then I had two children and for four glorious short years I was as perfect a size a I could be! I loved it! Short though as after 3 more I am now a 10 and considered chubby at that! Just don’t! Don’t comment!
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I am 63 and still naturally slim. When I was a teen people would constantly tell me how skinny I was, ask me if I was anorexic or sick and once (by a school teacher) if I was malnourished! These comments along with similar ones from other women as I entered the workforce have left me with a huge lack of self confidence which is only now starting to dissipate. I have never worn bathers, shorts or low cut tops as a result. Why do people feel its ok to tell someone they are skinny? I have never told someone they were fat!
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I’d forgotten the “turn sideways and you’d disappear” and “run around in the shower” comments. Very droll aren’t they?
Fortunately I don’t get them anymore, or people keenly watching me stuff down a banquet, but I know one of my girls will. She’s built like me. Fortunately, in my mid 40s I’m still only a 10-12, so I’m happy with it now.
I do wish people would “engage brain before putting mouth into gear” as my mother says, though.
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Me too…on my 17th birthday dinner after I didn’t eat any cake ( didn’t feel like any! Remember being forced into a family dinner when I wanted to be with friends! ) a waitress actually took Mum aside and said “You should be worried. I think you’re daughter is anorexic.” I was just tall and lanky and never had an eating disorder, love food too much!
Had the same comments when I lived in a middle eastern country, my ex’s relatives were continually commenting on how skinny is unhealthy and piling heaps of food on my plate, watching every mouthful. In a lot of countries being a bit overweight is a sign of good health. The irony was all the women were trying to lose weight…!
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At a recent dinner party with my incredible group of female friends we got talking about this….
Our consensus: we all have difficult relationships with our own bodies. We are all proud of each other’s bodies/faces/jobs/brains/interests/skills/fitness/partners and we all have some degree of healthy envy- it inspires us to learn from each other and share ideas, concerns, tips and advice.
The top ten things we love about each other have nothing to do with each others bodies
We agreed that we are all too smart, strong and beautiful to waste ANY MORE TIME thinking about this. Health, confidence, balance and friendship people. If women spent less time fixating on their bodies can you imagine the incredible, wonderful things we would do?!?!?!
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I was that skinny person too, and I had no idea how much I let it define me until I wasn’t anymore. Unfortunately I’m still not at peace with my changed body after my 3 kids, but I’m trying hard. Loved everything about this article, just what I needed.
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What drives me absolutely up-the-wall, out of my mind crazy is when people complain to their friends (who in some cases may be larger than them) about how fat they are!
It is often a cry for a compliment, but they should think about how that makes their friends feel. If you’re slim, but still think you’re fat, what does that make your larger friends?
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I think that makes them human…. Reality is we all have issues or at the very least things we don’t like about ourselves and even those who are slender may have a complex, not always fishing for compliments. I said something the other day on a fb status about suck em in jeans and how they don’t tell you you will billow out over the top of them and got slammed…..apparently until I’m size 16 I have no right to complain? Why is that so? Why don’t I have the same rights as others…. Reality is I have thin legs and arms but a big tummy, yes yes not 16 however people don’t realise because I style very well to hide it…but why am I not entitled to utter discontent?
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Fair enough we all have the right to complain and to have insecurities. But I am referring to those moments that don’t seem to be about complaining, but in fact seem to be about using complaints to get compliments!
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I agree this is more often than not someone fishing for a compliment in a silly way. But sometimes, yes, skinny people do go on a bit too much if they gain a kilogram or two. So the writer’s comment/advice rings true for me: “It’s so easy to think that someone else’s body is a commentary on your own. When it’s definitely not. When it’s definitely just their body.” Maybe we take it too personally when someone complains, when we needn’t.
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Good point!
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I have been skinny, and I have been average. Right now, I’m probably just slightly above average weight.
None of my different sizes have been through choice or work.
When I was thin, I was really thin for my body. My hips stuck out, my arms looked really small, and I looked a little like a Bratz doll since my face retained it’s chubby cheeked-ness.
Not a day went by when friends would comment about how much weight I had lost, how I mustn’t be eating properly, etc. My parents even accused me of being on drugs (this was the most upsetting comment, I am so anti-drug and it hurt that they would think that of me).
I found myself eating horribly because I would be judged for ever ordering a salad or not finishing my meal. I ate lots of fast food and carbs so that I might avoid comments. Hence, I am now slightly above average weight.
All the little comments that people make about “real men like curves” and the like – they can really hurt people.
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I was skinny as a child, overweight as a teenager, skinny as a young adult (but never realised how thin I was until I sorted through old clothes years later) and overweight now.
What annoys me is the people who think saying “oh, you’ve lost weight” is a great compliment.
No, I haven’t.
No, it isn’t.
No, all you did was insult me like you think I want to/should lose weight.
No, do you just have a fatter image of me in your mind?
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As a naturally skinny size eight, I cringe every time I see or hear something about ‘real women’ having ‘curves’. I’ve always been flat chested with a little bum, but last time I checked, I also had a vagina. Does that not also make me a ‘real’ woman?
The commentary surrounding the ‘pressure to be thin’ and shrinking model sizes makes me feel like I have to apologise for my weight.
And why do ‘larger’ people find it ok to tell me I’m thin, when it’s not ok for me to tell them they’re fat?
“You need to get some meat on those bones”
“Well you need to lose some!”
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Yes! Completely agree with all of this! I absolutely hate hearing skinny people being told things like “eat a burger” or things along those lines!
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OMG!!!!! Finally a post about what it’s like to be skinny. Thankyou MM.
At 31years old and two kids later I have always been thin ever since I can remember through primary school, highschool, pregnancy, my weight has pretty much stayed the same.
I have heard all the skinny comments/ jokes other people have mentioned below and as for finding clothes/ bras etc that fit properly that’s another story altogether.
I eat well, love my food and am just blessed with a fast metabolism and good genes.
I’m over being told : to eat more, go to Maccas that will fatten you up, you don’t eat enough, if you turn sidways we won’t see you. You’re skin and bones! Geez do you eat you are soo skinny! Get some food into ya. You’re skin and bones girl geeez just look at you. Blah blah. blah.
FFS ….It is insulting and it drives me nuts. And by the many replies lots of other people nuts too!
My response lately has been … I actually do eat well, I probably eat more than you do…. has piped a few people down!!
As for the FB photos about Real men liking real women with curves they are sooo sooo annoying… I have added my share of comments to them when they come across my wall!
It’s ‘nice’ to know there are other people in the same situation and to be able to compare stories xxx
(P.S excuse any spelling/ grammar errors wrote this in between cooking dinner)
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I love this post so much.
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“It’s so easy to think that someone else’s body is a commentary on your own. When it’s definitely not. When it’s definitely just their body.”
I love this so much.
And it applied to other things too – like food. It’s so easy to think that someone else’s eating habits are a commentary on your own. When they’re definitely not.
I feel self-conscious around my in-laws (and sometimes my own parents) because they are big eaters. They make a big deal of how little I eat – when really I am trying my darndest to eat proper portion sizes and not gigantic ones. Sometimes (read: often) when eating with them, I feel such pressure that I have too much food and feel terrible – uncomfortable and yuck.
If the fact that I am trying to eat well makes you feel uncomfortable, it probably means that you know your habits need to change but would rather not do it. Please do not get funny with me about eating too little.
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Slightly off topic, but I used to be super skinny all the way up until I was in my mid 20s and used to get those comments too. Now I’m super lazy and slightly overweight, but my eldest daughter looks exactly like I did as a kid.
My favourite comments are from people who I’ve met in the last couple of years who, after looking at Miss J, look me over and say: “Oh your daughter is so skinny. Does she take after her Dad?”
At first I tried to explain that I was like that once, but the “you are delusional” looks from the Lycra Brigade was just too much to take. So now I just take that spare muffin I always have in my handbag and shove it into my mouth in one go so I can’t talk.
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the photo looks like me 20 years ago compared to me now, i wonder if i can print it off? would look great on the fridge
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I dont skinny bash but I do find it mind numbingly boring when you go out for lunch and some women mention how ravenously hungry they are and how they could eat a horse..and can then barely finish an entree size salad. And then complain about how full they are. Are they for real or is it an act? Or the women who prattle on endlessly about their exercise regime and how strictly they have been eating when they dont seem to lose any weight. And they’re certainly no happier
Just eat what you like, exercise if it makes you happy and accept yourself the way you are! Nobody else really cares as long as you’re a nice person.
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I find this incredibly boring too and have decided that I will never talk about such rubbish again. Of course we should all be eating as healthy as we can and exercising as much as we can but no one wants to hear about how many calories a day you allow yourself, and how you can’t possibly have pasta for dinner because it’s so full of carbs and so on.
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When I’m really hungry, I always serve myself larger portions than usual, and then I can’t finish it. I never noticed I do that until my partner pointed it out to me.
It’s also why I make sure I’m not feeling hungry when I do the grocery shopping, so I don’t spend a fortune
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Bahahaa!! Oh I’m famous for having eyes bigger than my stomach!! I’ll be dishing up and my partner will look at my plate and go “No way you’re going to eat all that”. Every time, I say “No no I will – I’m REALLY hungry” then end up humbly passing my half finished meal over to him to finish….
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My boyfriend has eyes bigger than his stomach – which is why I usually serve him!
If he’s wolfing a large serve down I sometimes turn to him and say ‘labrador’ just to remind him to go easy…
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lol, chillax – some of us *are* for real and just can’t eat big portions. If I go out for tea, I might be absolutely ravenous, but even then I’ll really struggle to make it through an entire entree sized meal. My partner can put food away like there’s no tomorrow though, so that’s handy for me!! You know those Continental pasta packets you can get in the supermarket? One of them is enough to fill me up as a main meal. Any more and I end up feeling really sick. On the downside, it means I’m NEVER going to get value for money at an all-you-can-eat place!!
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I never finish a main sized meal! No matter how hungry I am. I just have a small stomach!
If it makes you feel any better, I’ll be hungry again in an hour.
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I hear you! I have a (lovely, beautiful and very thin) friend who is ALWAYS going on about how much she wants such-and-such a dish… the huuuge icecream feast she had on the weekend… etc. It gets very boring, with a pinch of annoying when she only ever eats like a bird around me. I know it’s a mental/health issue which I shouldn’t be annoyed by, but gosh, it’s not like I have ever criticized her in any way for being thin and eating in a controlled way. Stop with the verbal overcompensation, already. It’s boring.
(Sorry… end rant)
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It might not be a mental health thing. I eat quite strictly during the week so that I can enjoy myself on the weekends. So if I catch up with a friend for dinner during the week I will talk about the wonderful scones I had at high tea, the great cocktail or the amazing gelato I had on the weekend while I eat my small plate of salad or sushi with a glass of water!
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This post is wonderful! Thank you Kate and thank you MamaMia Team.
My sister and I have both been on the receiving end of negative body comments…but for vastly different reasons.
As the ‘fat’ (size 16) sister I have often been told how to diet or exercise. Whilst my ‘skinny’ (size 10) sister gets told to “Eat something!”
I have always found peoples comments and judgements incredibly rude, but I think sometimes the “skinny bashing” isn’t seen as wrong…but IT IS!
People need to be more mindful of their comments and actions. If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.
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I’ve recently I’ve lost about 5 kilos (I think, I don’t weigh myself)- just from being really busy, not from actively trying. I’ve had a number of questions/ statements, most common being variations of this one “Are you OK? I’m really worried about you, you’ve lost weight.” Why? Whats the big problem? I’m a size 8 instead of a 10. I work full time, I have to travel for work, I’m a single Mum with full custody. I’m busy. I eat, I just burn it all off… because I’m busy!
I also got from a neighbour “You’ve lost a lot of weight. Isn’t that just WONDERFUL?” Um… no not really, whats actually wonderful is that I have a body that works, it does what I need it to, its healthy, and it carried my daughter for 9 months!
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I am blessed with good genetics but am also a personal trainer studying nutriton. I know how to look after myself and work hard at it. It always amazes me the amount of women who almost seem angry at me for being fit. They liked to pretend that I didnt do anything to get that way. It used to really annoy me and id brush off the “You’re so little!” comments. Now I just reply- “Thanks, I work really hard and eat well to keep myself healthy.”
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God yes, I can relate to this.
I’m not so much skinny as fit and toned and I cant stand when people comment on it like its just how I am and not something I worked blo*dy hard to achieve!
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You should tell them. I find it really refreshing when people say “I work out every day”, because it’s a bit of a wake up call that I can’t have it unless I’m prepared to work for it.
And bonus points if you say “Thanks, I feel great too”. That would be awesome!
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Ugh – I unfortunately know exactly what you mean. For several years I was an amateur boxer – I ran 4-5km each morning, trained in one way or another (either on the pads, sparring or weights) for at least an hour each day, and played a few games of netball each week to boot. At this time, there were some women at my workplace who were all trying to lose weight, but seriously sabotaging themselves (ie, walking 3km twice a week, then having KFC 3 nights the same week kind of thing) and some of the things they would say to me really shocked me. Like you said, they seemed angry at me for being fit and slim, and would mention my size like it was an accusation. Even when one day, at the edge of my tether about it all, I pointed out the amount of exercise I did, it was dismissed and ignored and they continued on the same way.
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Oh my god me too!! I’ve recently lost about 10 kgs and really toned up, and some people are like ‘Ugh you’re so LUCKY to have a stomach like that. You don’t even know what it’s like to be overweight’
Um no, my genetics suck and my natural size is 12 with a booty. I work out 5-6 days a week and eat healthily, I work HARD to stay at a size 10 and keep myself relatively small!
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I know! Some women work really hard for their figures and people are angry at them for being thing, fit, toned, etc. Like they don’t spend hours at the gym, make sure to eat healthily and avoid tempting foods (which is really hard by the way!)? I would be angry if people presumed that I didn’t work hard for my figure – which I do and will continue to do. I’m not blessed with a fast metabolism and come equipped with a butt, boobs and a stomach.
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I too have been ‘accidentally skinny’ my whole life. I ave experienced the dirty looks in shopping centres, the ‘Girl, you need to eat something!’ or the questions of anorexia, the teasing from my siblings of ‘chicken legs’, the warnings from family of how Aunt Jo used to be a size 6 when she got married, and now look at her, you’d better be careful. Even today, I was telling another girl about how I used to be a dancer (read: USED to be, like 7 years ago) and she said, “That explains why you are so skinny.” Like the exercise I did seven years ago keeps the weight off me now!
I think we are all guilty of judging, even subconsciously, other women of all shapes and sizes in all ways, it’s almost in the DNA. For whatever reason, thinness is one of those things that people feel they have the right to comment on to a person’s face.
Unless you have good reason to be concerned about someone’s weight and are connected to them in a way that makes you an appropriate person to talk to them about it, people need to stop openly judging other women. We come in all shapes and colours, all good at different things. I have learned over time to appreciate the amazing things I have – a working body and brain that serve me well.
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Yep, yep I’m hearing ya! ‘Chicken legs’, god, that takes me back. Now in my 40s with a family, still accidentally skinny (sorry, world). I find many of the larger women I interact with can’t look me in the eye when we say hello, which dismays me: my sheer physical proximity has upset them. Comments about my appearance cross the border from compliment into snark on a regular basis. (eg: “ooh, that dress looks so cute on you, but then it would because you don’t even have any hips, do you?”). What am I meant to do with that? Cannot EVER imagine speaking to another woman that way.
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This post is wonderful. Thank you.
I’m very tired at the moment. Tired of talk about diet, weight loss, health, other peoples bodies, of being fat, of being thin, of how to lose tummy fat, of talk of the paleo diet, tired of carbs are bad, fat is bad, sugar in fruit is bad. I’m tired of all the talk about our bodies and making judgements on other peoples bodies. I’m tired of the Facebook ads that that display to me “Skinny Bridesmaids are Beautiful”.
My family has a high rate of anorexia nervosa on my mothers side. I have 4 cousins have or have had anorexia requiring extended hospitalisation. One of my cousins, 18 year old Dee, is right in the grip of it now. She has been in and out of hospital for months, her heart is suffering and she has some medical issues that are usually only seen in third world countries because she is starving.
She was a healthy kid growing up. She ate well and played plenty of sport but kids teased her because she had a little bit of puppy fat. She had the thought instilled in her young mind that fat is bad and makes you less worthy of food and love and kindness. Now, as a direct result, I have to watch her deteriorate. I hug her and I can’t feel any body warmth. Her body doesn’t heat itself properly anymore. I hug her and feel her bones underneath my hands and have to be so gentle because she feels so fragile. She rarely eats food she hasn’t prepared herself. On a recent shopping trip I had to watch fear and anxiety grip her when she was faced with buying lunch. I had to watch her cry and then apologise to me for crying.
And the thing is- people still tell her she looks great and that she could be a model. She posts pictures on her facebook page showing how thin she is and people “like” them. LOTS. When did the world get to such a completely fucked up point? When I see all this talk of weight and diet and being skinny I just want to scream SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
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I like this x 10 billion.
You’re comment is the best thing I have read on Mamamia in ages.
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Amazing comment.
I am too completely over all this talk.
People don’t realise the serious measures it can go too.
I hope your cousin gets better.
Thank you for sharing.
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Before I had kids my weight was around 73kg. Never ever got under 70 kg. If anything I was always closer to the overweight range of the BMI. Then I had my first child and all of my extra weight left me in the form of breastmilk. So I had this incredibly bonny baby but I got down to 61 kg despite eating like a horse. I was using every trick in the book to increase my caloric intake and try to do it healthily. Pregnancy and lactation sped up my metabolism massively. It took 2 years to gain 7 kg which was really hard work. I had to eat like a hungry teenage boy just to maintain my weight and that meant eating when I wasn’t hungry. My periods didn’t come back for ages until I got back to 68 kg. Not menstruating is a sure sign that your body is out of whack. I still had a normal BMI throughout but my face was losing its roundness,
I had a bony bum and my arms were really skinny. But I got nothing but compliments on my appearance. These days skinny for me is 67-68 kg and that is when I have been in training for sports competitions and have lots of muscle and an athletic fat percentage. I have to be careful post competition to watch my weight to make sure I don’t drop as I cut back on the exercise and lose a bit of muscle tone. I would love to get back to my pre-kids weight provided it was all muscle. Skinny does not necessarily mean healthy so please be careful when commenting on it.
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I’ve been an “accidentally skinny” girl my whole life – a result of genetics and my metabolism. And I have to say I’ve had my fair share of body image issues despite being something that is supposedly so desirable. In high school I was particularly slim, and it certainly wasn’t fun as a teenager, struggling to find jeans that fit properly or having people comment on the fact that I looked anorexic when that couldn’t have been further from the truth (I love food!). And even now in my 20s, I still find myself feeling offended when I hear things like “men like real women with curves.” Am I not a real woman? Or when people label celebs as being “too skinny.” Does that mean I’m being judged in the same way?
Overall, if you’re healthy and happy, why should size matter? It shouldn’t be something that is commented on and obsessed over. If only…
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Yes, Yes! I hate “men like real women with curves” or when my facebook friends like pages like “Real Men like curves, Only Dogs like bones” WTF. How rude!
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And clothing shops with clothes for “real women”. What am I? Plastic?
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I have seen that too in picture form! It’s disgusting and it’s hard not to have a rant at someone who posts that!
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This is something that really gets to me as well! It’s like, I may be thin, boob-less and bum-less, but last time I checked… I’m pretty sure I’m a real woman too!
I used to go to an all-women’s gym, but left, because of the stares and comments I used to get from some of the other women their. Some often remarked ‘you’re so thin, you don’t need to be here’ – and others seemed to believe I was only their to rub my thinness in their faces.
And then there are the unhealthily overweight women who claim they are ‘real’, and they have amazing ‘curves’, as a woman apparently should.
See Sofia Vergera from Modern Family? She has curves. A person who has made repeated bad choices, thus making them overweight, does not.
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Yes!
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A page like that is disgusting. Not suprising that there is something like that on Facebook though, seems these days anything goes. Are men also not classed as “real men” now unless they like women with curves?? Never ending.
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Not guilty of skinny bashing, but have definitely been a victim.
One of the things I really dislike about the way other people react to my weight is that you can never complain about your body, ever. You can’t say that you’ve been sitting around all day doing nothing for four weeks, and you’re starting to get the love handles to show for it and you wish you had the time to do something about them.
Anyone even slightly larger than you will scoff that you could ever, ever, be dissatisfied with anything about yourself. I understand people think that I am saying that if I am ‘a bit’ fat, they must be enormous heffalumps, but I’m not. Just saying what I think about myself – haven’t even looked at your waistline.
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Ahh totally agree! I came back from overseas 5kg heavier (not alot but still enough to make me feel blah). As soon as I mentioned this to my friends they were in an uproar. I had to continually say “No. Im not saying I am fat. Did those words ever come out of my mouth? I also realise that the amount I weigh now might be less that you weigh, but for ME its not where I want to be.”
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I understand where you’re coming from, and I would never say to a friend ‘shut up!’ if she was skinnier and complaining about how her body FELT. however having friends who are a size 8 saying things like ‘seriously guys, I am so fat, ugh I need to lose like 20 kgs’ is really tactless when there is someone there who is a size 12 and about 20kgs heavier. Makes us feel like elephants!
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