Jo Hilder
by JO HILDER
In July 2003 at the age of 35, I was diagnosed with aggressive Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. The tumour in my chest was as big as a saucer by the time it was found, and six months of treatment followed. Lots of things began around that time – a military-like operation by friends and family to ensure we didn’t starve was one. I’m still grateful for the wonderful support we received at that time.
What also began was an avalanche of messages and good wishes. It seemed everybody had something helpful to say. Some of those things were very encouraging – others were not so much. I began to recognize there are some pretty generic things we say to a person with cancer, almost like there’s a list posted somewhere. The most common cancer clichés include -
1. “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” We know adversity breeds resilience, however, what doesn’t kill us can still frighten us witless. A cancer diagnosis is accompanied by intense emotions and circumstances. Being told if you don’t die at least you’ll end up with more highly evolved character is not particularly comforting. Receiving a chemotherapy that will cure cancer is.
2. “My friend/cousin/uncle/neighbour had that, and they died.” A clear example of how the truth doesn’t always set us free.
3. “Just pray, and God will heal you.” Sometimes people pray and cancer goes away, and sometimes nobody prays and cancer goes away. If you’re the praying type, instead of the above tell them sincerely “I’ll pray for you”, then go away and do it.
4. “I would love to come and see you.” When people say they want to “see” a person with cancer, what they often mean is “I would like to come around and look at you. I’d like you to see my sad face and my ‘coffin eyes’.” Having cancer does not cancel dignity or a right to privacy.
5. “God/The Universe is trying to teach you something.” People are terrified of saying something trite and meaningless, so instead say something they hope reflects the depth of the situation. God and cancer both make people feel pretty intimidated, and thus frequently end up in the same sentence.
6. “I have a book for you. “ Please don’t give your book, especially if it’s about cancer curing food, juice or vitamins. Offer instead to bring anything they want they can’t get. That way, if they want to read about the Praise Jesus Diet or try some Guatemalan Beetle Juice, they’ll know exactly who to call.
7. “I’ll bring a lasagne.” They’ve probably had as much pasta bake as they can eat. Be creative, think healthy and call first with the offer. And don’t expect them to remember you sent it in your special casserole dish. They’ll be hard pressed thanking you, let alone getting your heirloom back.
8. “Tell me everything.” After having my bodily dysfunctions discussed in detail in front of me like I was seventy kilos of interesting cheese, the last thing I wanted to talk about was cancer. Most people with cancer enjoy an opportunity to discuss more interesting things.
9. “We all have to die from something.” Whilst having radiotherapy, I lived in a hostel with a single dad who knew he caused his own terminal lung cancer. I met a couple who saved all their lives to travel, only to have the husband diagnosed two months after retirement. I knew a woman who died of mouth cancer I’m sure would rather have died of anything else. When you’ve lived amongst the dying, you don’t speak of death so lightly.
Things Not To Say To Someone With Cancer
What do we say instead? I recommend open questions – questions you don’t already have the answer to, without a basic “yes” or “no” response. Something like, “So, what’s happening for you at the moment?” allows the person to guide the conversation either towards or away from cancer. Open questions put the person with cancer back in control, and provided the support person resists the urge to tie off sentences with clichés, will help them feel heard and validated.
Cancer can be an opportunity for growth in relationships despite all the unpleasantness it brings. It may not “make us into better people”(in fact, the personal transformation part is totally optional) but some simple changes to the ways we communicate can turn cancer into a far less negative experience for everyone involved.
Jo’s new book Things Not To Say To Someone Who Has Cancer is available now as an e-book and in print. Copies can be purchased at Jo’s blog by clicking here, or by visiting www.johilder.com
Jo Hilder began volunteering and working in the area of cancer and survivorship with the Cancer Council NSW after surviving blood cancer in 2004. Things Not To Say is her second book, and she is now working on her third – the story of her journey through cancer due – for release early 2013. Married with four children, Jo lives in Newcastle, NSW and blogs here.
Have you had friends or family members who have been seriously ill? Would you add any more cliches to Jo’s list?
Comments
122 Comments so far
One of the things that helped me was having friends joke about it, to others it may seem cruel but laughing about it helped for me.
Luckily my cancer was very treatable (papillary thyroid carcinoma) and after surgery it seems to be gone. If I had stage 3 or 4 cancer though I don’t know what I’d do, probably bucket list whilst doing treatment. So far the most negative effects was losing fitness from lack of moving since I had multiple surgeries close together and getting the hormone replacement right.
I’m glad no one told me the “god will heal it” tripe, I would have chewed their ear out. I don’t think many people really know what to say when they hear news like that, and that itself stresses them. I know I suck at giving anyone words of encouragement in those situations…not much I can say except sorry to hear that happened and I hope they recover.
loading...
My dad died of cancer 3 years ago and before he died I had someone tell me that my dad must have a lot of anger inside because anger causes cancer. She had never met him. Needless to say I’ve never spoken to her since.
loading...
What a great article, thank you so much. As a yoga teacher, I have worked therapeutically with a number of people going through cancer, including members of my own family.
Part of my work is training people to become yoga teachers and I am astonished that, given the fact that 1 in 3 people are going to experience cancer during their lives (Cancer Council figure), most teacher training courses don’t cover working with cancer. Yoga is one of the many alternative modalities that, used in conjunction with medical treatment, can make a huge positive impact on the quality of life of many people with cancer.
One of the first things we teach trainees, even before giving them practical yoga skills, is how to communicate with students who have cancer. This heartfelt and very practical post from Jo Hilder is another great reminder (and I’ll use this in my next teacher training!) to communicate with compassion and mindfulness, using open questions and allowing the student to feel truly heard. Thanks again.
Nikola
PS. One of our own teachers, who now specialises in teaching cancer patients, h wrote this post about her own experience of breast cancer: http://www.adoreyoga.com/_blog/Adore_Yoga_Blog/post/A_Yoga_Teacher's_Experience_of_Breast_Cancer/
loading...
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000, had surgery, chemo and radiotherapy and got on with life. In 2010 I was told I had a secondary in my bones, mainly in spine, more chemo for weekly for 12 months and then every three weekly and also more radio therapy. I’ve found that most people just don’t know what to say. I’ve been very open about the disease as lot of people don’t just know much about the treatments etc. One person asked had I cleaned out my cupboards etc .before I died..I thought that amusing…me..the neat freak!!
In 2011 another challenge I had a stroke, nothing to do with the cancer..just lucky I guess. I couldn’t speak or walk, but I recovered although I still have some problems with speech when I am tired. I’m lucky that I am a very positive person, always have been so my disease isn’t me. Then last month I found I have another secondary in my brain, so more radiotherapy while I still having chemo every three weeks. I’ve lost my hair for the third time but hey I’m still here. Practical help is great, some one driving to appointments etc. I’m still doing all my normal things cooking, some housework ( my partner is great doing the things are can’t do) washing and ironing, doing these things help me to feel good. The advice from people who really didn’t know anything but what they had read did annoy me, telling me what to do re treatments and what to eat etc. etc. The one thing that I was asked recently ” so what do you think what you did to cause all this ” …….well I don’t know, but that it wasn’t helpful!! Apart from everything most people, even when they don’t know to say, they care that’s the important thing.
loading...
God Bless You – you are wonderful. x
loading...
I had cervical cancer and various treatments for it (surgery, radio, chemo) and was told by several people that I “must have caught an STD” (err, no I didn’t, I didn’t even have HPV, but thanks for asking!!) and that “I was lucky to be getting SO thin” – (what with all that cancer and chemo and stuff) and finally “losing your hair actually suits you” or even better “you’re shedding hair faster than my labrador”. And people wonder how the expression ‘silence is golden’ came about!
loading...
I had breast cancer 3 years ago. And you do get some very weird comments, but people are so nervous about what to say / not to say. The positive intent far outweighs any verbal clumsiness for me. When in doubt with friends who are having a difficulty (of any kind )in their lives, I tend to say ” we can talk about it all night,… or not. Your choice.”
loading...
I do struggle with posts like this, as surely what is irritating to one person is a godsend to someone else. For example:
4. “I would love to come and see you.” When people say they want to “see” a person with cancer, what they often mean is “I would like to come around and look at you. I’d like you to see my sad face and my ‘coffin eyes’.” Having cancer does not cancel dignity or a right to privacy.
I’m sorry, but when someone says something like this – why read such negativity into it. Surely a very sick friend is someone we don’t want to see in a bad way. But we want to be there.
If your heavily religious aunt or friend thinks God will save you – why be offended? Everyone has their cross to bear and we all need to get through this minefield of life.
If there’s no harm intended then why waste energy taking offence? This goes for most ‘what not to say’ lists as far as I’m concerned.
loading...
I agree! I wish everything that came out of my mouth was received in the way it was intended – but I’m sure it’s not – I say & do things to show people that I care but I don’t have control on how it’s interpreted. So for people to forgive my clumsiness I make an effort to excuse others. I have a medical condition that gives me a protruding stomach the amount of times people ask if I’m pregnant is annoying. I agree I look about 4mnths – but hate people asking – usually in public places – but I’m gracious, (not going into my medical history- not their business) don’t embarrass them & forgive their oversight because we ALL accidently say insensitive things sometimes. Mostly we are ignorant of it though.
loading...
I console them with the truth.
I tell the patient that all creatures including humans are automatons.
Their own bodies cells are outnumbered by more foreign entities, bacteria organisms etc inside them than they have human cells.
Their consciousness is an illusion of self awareness ‘created’ in their mind only – in other words they are definitely not alive they are only automated – and modern neuroscience clearly proves this. They truly have precious little free will or original thought and are influenced by circumstances and survival more than anything else.
Which all leads to the final reality that is the one truth, and the only truth to their existence – that is that when your biological systems fail you remember nothing. Why? because you were never alive to begin with, there is no you. Whatever you wish to claim as existence is so breathtakingly brief as to be non-existent in relation to the existence of the inert around you and in the universe. You were simply a momentary growth created by extenuating circumstances that never had a future. Just molecules reacting with other molecules, taking a peek back at the universe and then scattering.
I think therefore I am = NO. I think therefore I think, I think = YES
Then I smile and ask if they have health insurace.
loading...
Please don’t bother
loading...
Jason, lucky for you the moderators changed the rules for comments.
loading...
To be honest I think a lot of these things (excluding number 2 and 5- I can’t imagine these would be well received by anyone), are acceptable and people are just trying to help in the only way they know how to. I think a lot of people feel very helpless when someone close to them is ill or going through a difficult time, and realistically, there isn’t really anything people can to do ‘help’ the situation. I think most offers of meals/books/support are genuine and well-intentioned. To be honest in the weeks before and after my mother passed away (from cancer) several lovely neighbours did bring meals for us and my father and I so appreciated this gesture, many of these neighbours we didn’t even really know and it was lovely people went out of their way to show such kindness. In my opinion, it was more awkward encountering people who didn’t acknowledge what was going on..
Saying that, I haven’t had cancer so I understand the author has a totally different perspective. Interesting points.
loading...
Wow, thank you Jo, great advice. The lasagne one was a revelation, I always offer lasagne!
I always pay attention to ‘what not to say’ articles because, despite my fantastic intentions, lack of a religious faith and non-judgemental attitude, I usually have a bad case of foot in mouth disease
loading...
Yes, having a close friend go through chemo I have learned that you never take spaghetti or lasagne. They will usually have enough in their freezer for the next 6 months!
Home made chicken soup is good especially when they feel sick, its very soothing.
loading...
I agree , though I’ve only had a few of the 9 said to me. Most things I’ve been okay with .
One close friend asked me in front of my husband, her husband and their and our kids –
how do you feel about your mortality ?
It was a few weeks after my surgery for a double mastectomy and before my chemo ?? I felt great.
Ok, if people are going to ask this question ask it in private and not standing up in lounge room as we say goodbye and head home !
Sadly, in my first 3 months since surgery no-one has even made us one Lasagna or any meals to eat at home. We moved to country with no close friends/family nearby earlier this year and we were new to the school this year with twins in kindy. It’s okay, I don’t mind.
I agree though with kathl29 and Busymum40 on being careful about food you can and want to eat -
I’m very fussy anyway about what I would eat while I am currently 2 months into 6 months of chemo. I agree that care packages would be better options. It would help ease financial stress that cancer causes and having some basics and snacks for the kids always on hand can save a trip to shops.
Did you know there are now free online take them a meal websites with calendars – that let everyone pick dates and add food preferences etc /allergies etc -.
I know people sometimes say these things because they have no idea what to say, not so much to upset or offend.It’s good to have these discussions to enlighten people more.
I digress but …I did like a friend offering a link to a ‘Cancer’ book yesterday –
Today the local librarian after taking one look at me (in my headscarf / knowing I’m obviously bald ) said she would order it in immediately – then she added several times , that it might take a couple of weeks to get here …I should have winked it’s ok I still have time.
I would never have said it – she was so nice and i didn’t even ask them to order the book.
I just hope i didn’t look that bad …
loading...
Here’s another one. Got told yesterday that my pap smear results show pre cancerous cells on my cervix (not yet cancer, but the next step down). Mentioned it to one of the girls at work and got told ‘yeah, you do look pretty sick’.
Um, I had no freaking idea anything was wrong. How do I look ‘sick’? Lol
loading...
I agree with every comment listed in the article as to what not to say to someone with cancer. I’ve been diagnosed twice myself – first time was thyroid cancer at the age of 18…got the all clear, but 22 months later, cancer’s returned. The one thing not on the list that frustrates me beyond belief is “Oh, but you’re so young, you’re too young for cancer, You can’t have cancer at 18″…Makes me cringe everytime it passes through someone’s lips!!!
loading...
Yep, I get the same thing about having arthritis. ‘You can’t have arthritis, you’re too young!’ Wow, guess all the tests and my very qualified rheumatologist were wrong when compared to your extensive knowledge on the subject of autoimmune diseases.
loading...
These “what not to say to somebody” posts always make me feel like a horrible, inconsiderate person for possibly saying something that was intended to be kind and thoughtful
Having never been through the experience of serious illness personally or within my family, I would honestly have no idea what to say. In fact, I’d probably end up offering to visit the person AND bring lasagne….
loading...
Which is better than not getting in touch at all. Before my dad got cancer, I had no idea what to say when others got sick or had family get sick, and I’m ashamed to admit that many times I said nothing.
These posts are great learning posts, but any contact during this time reminds you that you are a person. I still don’t speak to some family who just didn’t bother coming to see my dad or my family before/after his death. Yet they bloody ate enough at the wake.
loading...
….I know this great book on the subject you can buy
loading...
ha ha – yes, I know I have residual issues….
loading...
I know what you mean…. I figure if anyone has the right to not have to suffer fools though then it’s someone suffering from cancer.
loading...
I was 24 when I was diagnosed and the thing I found hardest was the loss of my identity. I was going through a particularly horrendous break up at the time so I wasn’t feeling hugely attractive but then the cancer threatened to take away my independence and my job. I was lucky enough to be able to work the whole way through my treatment but people treated me like I was some kind of heroic saint for doing this. The truth was that the last thing I wanted to do was sit at home thinking about how I had cancer. At work I had a purpose and it was the one thing in my life that I felt mildly confident I was actually getting right. Doctors and nurses in particular treated me like cancer was the ONLY thing in my life; that I just sat at home in my jammies eagerly awaiting my next blood test or chemo. They’d put on their Concerned Cancer Listening Voice, cock their heads to one side and say “but you must be tired” or “well we’ll just book you in for the one appt then on the 26th otherwise you’ll have a very busy day!” Well, yes, actually. That’s entirely the point. I’m not sure what twilight zone you’re inhabiting but I don’t actually savour my cancer appointments and have no desire to spread them out. So, if it’s all the same to you, book them all together on the same day.
But the most frustrating and idiotic comment I got was about my hair. When I was diagnosed I had finally gotten to a point where my hair and I had reached a truce after fighting over its misbehaviour for most of my life. I actually liked how it looked. So I was exceedingly terrified (and shockingly vain) about losing it. The most common comment I’d get was “well at least you’ll get to experiment with colour/think of all the crazy wigs you can get!” or some variation on that theme. I’d force my face to smile when what I wanted to say was “No, genius. I’m 24. Don’t you think if I wanted to die my hair ‘zany’ colours I would have done that in my “rebellious” teenage years. What I would find exciting is not having cancer. That would be mind blowingly exciting.” And the wig thing. Gosh. Yes. It will be ever so much fun. In fact, why don’t you shave all your hair off and buy a bright blue wig and tell me how much you love being called Cookie Monster.
The night before I was due to start treatment someone else said they were “very interested to see how my hair grew back because often it grows back different. It even might be all grey or straight or both!” Well what a glorious little comment that one was. I have curly brown hair so you can imagine my interest in whether it would grow back straight and grey. I love being an item of scientific interest.
That was the crappy part of it though. Overwhelmingly I had gorgeous friends, family and neighbours who were beautifully supportive and didn’t treat me like an invalided great aunt. And that part of the “journey” (another word that makes me gag) was delicious.
PS Great post Jo!
loading...
Or… “but apart from the cancer, how are you?” Ummm…
loading...
Great article Jo!
I wish someone would write one for IVF’ers. My husband and I often chuckle and roll our eyes at some similar corkers:
1. “You can always get a dog. Awesome!” We didn’t realise that because we are infertile we now qualify as pet owners. You’re right, a silky terrier is just the same as a child.
2. “Just adopt a baby from Ethiopia – a little black baby would be so cute.”
Yes, I’ll just ring the adoption agency and send for one. Should be here next week. Maybe Angelina and I could be pen-pals.
3.”You just need to relax” – Really? That’s where I have been going wrong. You’re right, IVF is such a calming and relaxing experience.
4.”When you stop trying, it will happen.” Um, actually when we stop trying NOTHING will happen. But thanks for your expert opinion.
5. “My best friend’s uncles’ sister did IVF for 7 years. Then she stopped and got pregnant naturally.” That’s lovely, but I, and everyone else with infertility issues are not the same as your best friends uncles sister.
6.”I don’t really get what IVF is anyway.”(Cue shoulder shrug) Well if you’re any kind of friend would it kill you to a) ask what’s involved or b)google it. How can you support someone if you can’t be bothered finding out what it is.
7.”Have you tried drinking this special tea…” Listen love, if I’m dropping 10grand per IVF cycle you can bet your bottom dollar I have tried every tea, every herb, every acupuncturist, every diet, every position and every other ridiculous miracle product available that promises you a baby at the end.
.
Oh I could go on, but the article isn’t about this. All you can do is laugh!
loading...
Kaye, write it! It’s halfway done! Send to jamila@mamamia.com.au
loading...
I shall. I am meeting with a group of ‘well meaning’ friends this weekend so that should provide me with some new, extra special and never heard before ‘advice’ on how to get pregnant.
loading...
Heres a few more I wrote ages ago if you are after any more inspiration:
http://morebananas.blogspot.com.au/2010/03/things-you-dont-want-to-hear.html
loading...
In fact just post this. Brilliant!
loading...
Kaye, I think the herb/tea/acupuncture suggestion could be applied to anyone going through health struggles too!
I suffer a health problem that requires regular and expensive medical treatment to manage and it manages it well. But every time I mention it to someone, they suggest their herbalist or healer or whatever who they claim will be able to ‘cure’ me…..
So like you I just want to say ‘listen love, I will give up my medication and my specialist and go and take your potions and risk feeling worse than ever and have to take weeks to undo the damage and to get back to managing my condition just so I can give your remedy a try
loading...
I’ve had a “friend” say to me: “Well, I guess nobody can have everything in life. You have a great husband, comfortable life, stable job, so maybe the fact that you are struggling to have children is just to balance things out.”
Or even worse (and this is when people try to be funny): “Let me know if you want, I’ll give you one of my children. They are such a handfull.” Are you serious???
loading...
I think anyone who comes out with 1,2 or 9 should engage the brain before speaking.. Do people really say such thoughtless things? You should have poked them in the eye.
loading...
No. 10
One of my sister-in-laws (with depression) said to my other SIL (with breast cancer) that she didn’t realise how bad depression was and that she would rather have cancer. Their relationship remains somewhat rocky!
loading...
Don’t be too harsh to judge – that’s depression talking, if I’ve ever heard it.
loading...
I totally understand where the poster is coming from with what to say and not to say. But please don’t let this post stop you from reaching out to someone who is sick because you are worried about saying the wrong thing. I have had close family members very sick and they have wanted the opportunity to discuss how they are feeling, and asking them how they are gives them an opportunity to say exactly what is on their mind.
loading...
Can someone please write an article of what NOT to say to a someone with an eating disorder?
loading...
I”ve had bulimia for a really long time and over the years I’ve shared with various people and counselors. Here’s some things I’ve heard over that time:
1) It’s just peer pressure.
2) Can you teach me how to throw up? That would be awesome.
3) Don’t worry, the Romans used to do it all the time.
4) Doesn’t it make you feel sick? (well der)
5) Are you going to throw this up? (right before we sit down for a nice meal)
6) At least you don’t have anorexia.
7) You’re lucky to have trained your stomach muscles to contract so easy.
8) But you aren’t even that fat.
9) Does it work?
loading...
Holy shit. I would NEVER say any of that.
“Can you teach me how to throw up?”
Are you freaking serious? I was more thinking along the lines how to encourage them to get better, and not to say stupid things like “But you’re so skinny…”
loading...
My mum was in hospital for 3 months as a result of metastatic breast cancer (spread to her spine and brain) and was too unwell to communicate at times. we had a notebook that visitors would write a message about their day or support” rather than sitting around trying to make conversation. It was great and when she recovered (she wasn’t expected to) she was grateful she could see and thank those that came. One of the things that irritated me the most were supposed well-wishers who said things like “well if she goes she will be in peace” or when she’s gone…..
loading...
Fantastic idea
loading...
Thank you Jo for writing an excellent article. And timely…
My best friend’s teenage daughter is incredibly sick at the moment (not cancer but just as life threatening) and is sedated and intubated in ICU for at least another week. The family are living at the hospital (home is an hour away) so microwavable food in individual serves is necessary (you can only live on cafe food for a few days) but I am very aware of not overdoing it and ensuring that they have variety. The first thing I cooked was a lasagne
but I’m trying to be more creative and think outside of the box now. Our friends are also going to cook some food for them (every one has offered a lasagne) so I’m hoping that the awesome mamamia community can help 
If you have any freezable, microwavable meal ideas please share
loading...
When I had a sick child in hospital for a fair while, all I wanted was a lovely fresh salad.
loading...
Beef and red wine casserole or chicken and lentil soup are both freezable and microwave reheatable. You can buy precooked individual serves of rice from the supermarket that can be microwaved for casseroles too. When I was in hospital with my daughter a friend also dropped in mini quiches which were great to microwave as an easy snack (not sure if they were freezable though, they were so tasty they didn’t last long!). I also found just tins of soup really handy for quick lunches. If you look up the taste.com.au website they usually have a big section of freezable meals for more ideas. I hope your friend’s daughter makes a full and quick recovery, it is a very hard road living in hospital with a critically ill child x
loading...
Stuffed potatoes or stir fries – they freeze/refrigerate and re-heat really well. Anything with a big mix of veggies that keeps a few days
loading...
My mother-in-law has been a frequent flyer in hospital for years now & all she ever wants is a good mirror to apply her makeup and fruit! So we bring her the BEST fruit- the fattest,most juicy peaches, ripe black cherries and sweet strawberries…..no-one wants to eat old bananas or flowery apples
All the best with everything and hoping your friend’s daughter recovers x0x0x0x
loading...
Grab a load of Pataks curry pastes and throw together some curries. Buy ready rice that they throw in the microwave. Spaghetti Bol is also good frozen. Frozen fresh salmon pieces would be a nice treat with some bok choy
loading...
Thank you so much everyone. You’ve all given me some great ideas – if there are any more they will be most welcome
You are all so generous – your food ideas & best wishes for her recovery brought tears to my eyes
Cheers,
Sharon xx
loading...
Home cooked pie? I make a sort of salad with any handy greens (bok choy/spinach) lots of herbs, especially mint and coriander, but also dill and parsley, fetta cheese, mozzeralla cheese, and an egg or two. Mix it all together and encase in puff pastry. Delicious, sort-of-healthy, and easy to transport.
Beef mince cooked with onion, garlic, beef stock and worstershire sauce would also be yummy. Maybe a layer of mashed potato too.
loading...
Anything that covers the clean eating principles is always good. No processed carbs…not good for you.
loading...
Oops – I always take a foil dish (so they don’t have to wash or return a dish) of lasagne or similar to any sick friend or new mum etc. Now I am being told that’s all wrong and everyone is sick of being given that type of food? Can anyone tell me what the ideal food to deliver would be? I always thought lasagne was the ultimate comfort food and is always delicious (and I might add, is time consuming to make but is always made with love).
loading...
I think everyone is different. Personally I love lasagne, could eat it by the truckload. What everyone seems to agree on is that it is the thought that counts, but if you aren’t sure, maybe check first. (but love the foil dish, THAT is pure genius)
loading...
If it’s a young family with mum or dad sick, sometimes dropping off a hot BBQ chook, some bread and a bag of lettuce is a good idea – especially on a weekend. Even if they don’t eat it that day, it’s good for sangers the next day. Also a loaf cake or some muffins for school lunches. It’s about saving that trip to the shops as much as cooking.
loading...
I always cook lasagne, beef and red wine casserole or chicken and lentil soup for friends in need. Good nourishing food, easy to freeze and reheat, what’s not to love?! When my daughter and I were in the hospital for 7 weeks, I lived on meals like this!
loading...
My colleagues cooked a fantastic variety of meals, from vegetarian lasagne, to mild curries, to stews for us. To be quite honest though, everyone’s different and we didn’t mind lasagne. At first, I didn’t eat much at all, it was more for my family and we just appreciated the meals.
loading...
The problem with bringing lasagne, is that everyone brings it. We have a family friend who no longer eats it – after his wife’s long battle with cancer he had a freezer full of it. He ended up throwing it out because there was JUST SO MUCH LASAGNE!
Soup is always nice, as is casseroles. Cakes or biscuits and slices are good for visitors to eat with a cuppa. Perhaps just ask what the person would like?
loading...
this post rang very true…..I’m currently undergoing radiotherapy for a recurrant spinal cord tumour….and we still have 3 various pasta bakes in our freezer!!! And that happended with a food roster!! I’d also add to not stop talking about the future and to stop the deep “so how ARE you”.Being asked the same question by everyone you see makes me to sometimes want to shout “if you really want to know, I’m sick of saying “I’m good”!” (and by the way I am
)
loading...
I know what you mean Leanne, sometimes we end up saying “I’m great!” just to get that subject over with!
loading...
As a carer for a father with cancer, I have heard many similar things from my father. However as the carer what I would have given for someone to send lasagna without asking first. I would have loved not to come home after work and cook, just once..
Wishing you well in your writing xo
loading...
Carers often need as much – if not more – support than the person with the cancer. Anon, can I send you a copy of the book? If you’d like one, please email me at jo@johilder.com
loading...
I suppose you also have to be compassionate for the person who’s asking the questions. They probably feel uncomfortable and are trying to say the right thing.
And hey, if someone had a book on cancer curing foods and I had cancer I would certainly be open to reading it!!!
Most people, most of the time are trying to help and be kind not malicious.
loading...
Thanks Sarah, I agree, and as someone who has been on both sides, let me say “hear, hear”. Nobody means to say the wrong thing. The book is written with humour and gentleness, very much aimed at letting folks know the anxiety and confusion they often feel when someone is diagnosed is normal, and often we react out of that without understanding how communication is being subtly broken down by everything that’s happening. I feel this is the worst part. Just when we need someone the most, something happens which makes us feel further apart. Hopefully, by talking this all out in the open, we’re all gaining a better understanding from all perspectives
loading...
Just wanted to point out answers to the most common points folks are bringing up…
Everyone comes to this subject with their heart on their sleeve. This list is not meant to be snarky in any way. I’ve said every single one of these myself, and more besides.
There is no real list of “things to say”…and I agree, the issue is far more complex than a simple blog post can answer. That’s why it’s taken me a few years of listening to others experiences and consolidating my own into a book.
The “best” thing to say isn’t something to say – it’s *you*. Be there – emotionally, practically, physically, and not always with “the right words”, sometimes sitting in silence with someone you love is quite perfect.
Try open questions, instead of closed statements. “How are things going for you right now?” allows the person to decide for themselves which “things” they want to talk about, and it may not be cancer.
Keep your sense of humour. A friend of mine used to tell a story of how she lost her fake boob in the surf in front of all her surf club mates….we roared with laughter, but others dissed her for being so flippant. It’s all about perspective.
Thanks for reading everyone. The book has the answers to all these questions and more. http://www.johilder.com
loading...
I agree with the humour bit. You still have to live, even with a serious diagnosis. After all with timely treatment, survival rates continue to rise and you just may be around for a long time to make jokes.
I have a skull defect due to surgery and occasionally will say “I need that (whatever it is, usually food) like I need a hole in the head. Oh wait, I have one of those”. The reaction can be interesting.
loading...
When my daughter was diagnosed with myeloid leukaemia at 9 months old, I was blown away by how many people said ‘I know how you feel’. Um no, you really don’t. I understand it is very upsetting and stressful to have any family member diagnosed with cancer, and I lost my own mother to melanoma when I was 18, but taking your baby to hospital for a gastro bug, being put in an ambulance and transferred to the oncology ward of a childrens hospital and told there is a 40 to 50% chance that your child will survive is NOT something most people have any understanding of.
loading...
So true, Dan.
loading...
The worst thing when my mum had terminal cancer was the people who said nothing; that made no acknowledgement of the situation at all. Generally saying something, anything, is better. We all know it’s incredibly hard to know what to say, but saying something at least shows you care enough to try. I lost a long-time friend because she could never bring herself to say one word. And even if it never gets eaten, a lasagna says so much.
loading...
So true. Every cancer patient understands gestures are extended with the very best if intentions, and too much cooked food is a hard thing to get resentful about!
loading...
oh yes so true. I bumped into one aquaintance just a few days before my radiation treatment. We did the idle chit chat then she asked what was up in my world. I responded about the treatment. She said “ah yes, I heard about that, best of luck”. And that was it. Clearly she felt uncomfortable but that phrase stuck with me and really made me feel terrible (and hence why she is now an acquaintance and no longer a friend).
loading...
I am an ovarian cancer survivor – eleven years! Along with loads of other things I am grateful for having being taught during the entire process of recovery, was sorting out the genuine friends from the faux variety. It’s a gift in the end.
loading...
My bestie from school (we are godmother to each others children) is an ovarian cancer survivor. Her treatment finished a year ago – she’s doing remarkably well, thank God. She had major surgery as soon as she was diagnosed and I saw her in the days afterwards and asked ‘What happened? How did you know?’. She told me it was too upsetting, she didn’t want to talk about it. So I still don’t know the full story, and I haven’t asked. I saw her a lot during her chemo treatment and even then, she wanted to talk about what everyone was up to, where we were off to for Christmas, usual stuff. Later, she explained that she talked to the nurses about the cancer and the chemo; with friends and family she wanted everything to be business as usual. Because of that, I’m unsure about whether to ask people (I know are ill) how they are. It’s tricky, everyone is different, I guess.
loading...
Although it’s hard for people to find the right words to say in these circumstances, I think asking cliche questions makes me appear like I’m talking to the cancer and not the individual person so I tend to avoid it.
I have 2 people close to me who have cancer at the moment. One has bone marrow cancer which is incurable. I dedicate my time to donating blood and plasma as often as I possibly can as well as fundraising ( more money for research = higher likelihood of finding a cure) and that will be my role throughout her treatment. No words necessary.
My cousin has curable breast cancer and with her it’s all about humour even after a masectomy. My dad was recently in China on business and called her up and said ” they are selling boobs here really cheap. Do you want one?” What I would have done to be a fly on the wall as he went through the shop describing all the shapes and sizes to find the most accurate one.
The best question to ask is to yourself. Which role should I fit into while my loved one goes through this? you can be the comedian or the cook or the donor, but as long as you do your bit i reckon that goes much further than “tell me how you feel”
loading...
Great advice here Steph, thanks so much for adding to this discussion
loading...
That’s true. We’ve had my aunty in hospital following a stroke – and my role is phone entertainment. I ring her and it’s a monologue about my day, the funny things my students have said or done, or my plans for improving her hospital stay after what I’ve learnt after a two month hospital stay (plan a – if they insist on waking us up at 6am, at least make it some hunky shirtless 20 year old interns! She can’t respond too much because she is finding it hard to talk but we have a “noise code”, so I know if she thinks it’s funny, boring or needs more details!
loading...
So many people don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving or unwell, and staying away hurts just as much. Isn’t it better to show you care?
Some of the things people say are unthoughtful certainly, but surely a lot of the time they are stuck for words and blurt something out.
I know in times of sickness and sadness the people I’m the most grateful to are the ones who visited and bought food (often lasagna) and they are the things I’ll never forget. In our house lasagna is known as a dish full of love, full of time, effort, and if you have the right recipe, veges too. When you get sick of it, it freezes well
I also think its hard for people to get their approach right because what a person needs can change day to day. Some days black humor is appreciated and we can say outrageous things and feel better for the laugh, but other days this would go down like a ton of bricks. Sometimes the visitor you thought you didn’t want really cheers you up and some days it is too much. Very hard to get this one right.
loading...
My son was diagnosed with ALL at 15 months of age. We’ve lost contact with a lot of people who just didn’t know what to say. I get the whole pasta thing….
loading...
Thank you for your wonderful article Jo. It is great to read an article from someone who has been through the same thing.
My husband was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour just over a year ago. He collapsed and had surgery within a couple of days (we had no warning signs) and the worst thing said to me was when he was in intensive care and someone gave me a link to an extreme ‘cancer curing’ diet with the words you can’t trust doctors. Then someone else joined in telling me all about doctors wanting to make money and included links of websites showing how you couldn’t trust doctors.
I couldn’t believe they couldn’t understand that as my husband was in intensive care following emergency surgery for a malignant brain tumour and at that stage I did not even know if he was going to survive the surgery that I had no choice but to trust doctors.
I also find the ones about prayers and ‘Gods will’ difficult as the cancer diagnosis has really made both me and my husband question our religious beliefs. Unless you know where someone is in regards to religion it is better to stick with ‘I am thinking of you’.
I get the lasagne thing – it is very well meant though. I would recommend if you are going to make food to check with the family. Due to one of the chemo drugs my husband was put on he couldn’t actually eat leftovers due to the way it ferments so people made things we couldn’t eat. The smell of hot food also made him vomit so me and the kids ate cold foods for a number of weeks anyway.
The best thing for us was my daughters school class who bought groceries for us so we could make the food he could eat when we wanted. It also saved me having to find the time to get to the supermarket to get things for school lunchboxes, toilet rolls etc when we had so many hospital appointments.
A few months ago I wrote a blog post with suggestions of how to help. I have included the link here in the hope it helps someone. Some of the ideas on it are very basic but we found that it was often the simple things that got forgotten.
http://slummynotyummy.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/how-to-help-when-someone-you-know-has.html
loading...
Fantastic! I’ll put a link to it on my blog Katherine
loading...
Hi kathl29, I’ve just read through your blog and I think you’ve just written my story. My husband had an oligoastrocytoma diagnosed in October 2011 after suffering a seizure at work, no prior symptoms.
Your lists re what to do for the patient, carer, kids, dogs, etc are spot on. I think as carers and mothers we put ourselves last, but we need to put ourselves first so that the rest of the family can run smoothly.
loading...
Someone at the Qld Cancer Council said to me a couple of weeks ago that the carers health and wellbeing is as important as the patients. It is the primary carer who is keeping the family together and if they are struggling the family struggles which impacts on the patient.
I hope your husband is going well with his treatment. I found once things settled into more of a routine with hospital appointments etc it became a little more manageable. I also found it does get easier after the 12 months anniversary and I hope this is the same for you.
loading...
Thank you kathl29
loading...
So what do we say??? How about a list of right things to say?
Ive only been around a few people with cancer and I just didnt mention it at all and chatted and made general small talk which I thought would have been nicer for them than everyone’s constant “how ARE you’s”.
Is it better just to say nothing? Or will that be seen as insensitive?
loading...
Dear Tam, thanks for your comment. As I write in the book, there isn’t really a list of things to say, I wish there were! Would make life a lot easier!
As I mention towards the end of this piece, I find the best conversations come from “open questions” rather than closed statements. Asking, “So, how are things for you at the moment” allows the person to guide the conversation to or away from cancer if they wish. Everybody cones to these situations with hearts on sleeves, do no matter what we say or do, we need to have compassion for all concerned and forgive ourselves and others way ahead of time.
Hope this helps
loading...
Fantastic blog. I have always struggled with not wanting to be cliche and also not wanting to make the ‘issue’, whether it be cancer or anything else, be the only thing people get to talk about when they go through it. I am super aware of what others will be doing and try my hardest not to do these same things leaving the person inundated in lasagne! Thanks for your words of advice and your frankness of delivery! And congratulations on your remission!
loading...
Thanks Kim! Nine years and going strong!
loading...
I made a friend going through chemo lasagne four times. More for her husband and teenagers than her – and I did ask her what she wanted..
loading...
She is blessed to have a friend like you
loading...
Thanks jo!
My little girl had cancer earlier this year – a neuroblastoma that was removed by surgery and then luckily straight no treatement needed just straight to three monthly scanning. I truy can’t remember anyone saying anything that upset me at the time, if anything no one would tell me anything about their calamities (broken bones, gastro etc!!) – all I remember is the food dropped off, the flowers sent, the girlfriends coming over late at night with wine and chocolate and the fact that our family and frends literally carried us through a nightmare that could have had the worse possible outcome…
So glad you are in remission. Cancer is just a complete bastard.
loading...
Love number seven. A friend survived breast cancer and when her father in law died suddenly I wanted to show her my love and support so said “I’ll bring around a lasagne.” She said “F*%king lasagne.” I suspect she ate it three times a week when she was sick. Home made sausage rolls, on the other hand… can never have too many of them.
loading...
Excellent article thank you for writing it.
My husband was diagnosed with Colon Cancer – age 37, 2 months ago. He had some urgent surgery to take the tumour and is now on 6 months chemotherapy. I am not the one suffering the disease but we own a Hotel and so on a daily basis I am speaking to well meaning people asking how my husband is, I am thankful they care absolutely I am, however some days I just want to say ‘well he’s still here – can’t kill him with a stick!” but then people look horrified that I don’t want to spend my waking hours discussing the ins and outs of how Chemo is affecting him and some days I am absolutely trying to protect him from too many questions as well…
I would also make the point that Cancer patients are not saints or angels they can be right old pratts to live with and us non-cancer sufferers have to deal with that part of the disease too! Cancer is tough on relationships no doubt about it.
I have a business and two toddlers to look after as well as my husband, how about we chat about anything but cancer for a while
We all have our trials in life absolutely and empathy is a wonderful thing but definitely telling a family about the various relatives who died from the disease or who are perfectly fine is not really helpful, as Jo says everyone experiences this disease differently and sometimes we need to feel the fear, to accept what is happening so that we can pick up and keep going with a smile on our face. Humour really does help – we have a lifetimes worth of poop jokes from this experience I can tell you!
You know the best thing you can do to help is donate to the Cancer Council, really lets stop this disease of all forms in its tracks
loading...
Love this – and absolutely regarding the personal transformation part…as I have noticed, it’s totally optional! Many people assume when you experience cancer you become more resilient and highly evolved. Not so. People need a lot of support post-treatment to get back on their feet, and find a new normal.
All the best in the future Rechelle, xx
loading...
All true … and I’ve heard all of them, my husband having had an aggressive cancer (and yes, he died) 12 years ago. But I have to say, it’s the isolation and loneliness of the cancer patient whose friends don’t know what to say, so they say nothing at all, that’s even worse. Even an aunt: ‘I don’t want to see him like that … I want to remember him as he was …’ That one hurt. Thanks be, some friends were there till the end, saying whatever, but often laughing. So, grit your teeth and be prepared for anything … but be there! And white light and good wishes to anyone who is a patient of this rotten disease.
loading...
I hate hearing “chin up, you need to stay positive”. I feel then that I can’t have a bad day. Why am I not allowed to have a cry, rant, whinge about how sucky this all is? It’s not like I’m spending every day wallowing in misery. I’m not going to let this tumour beat me, but please let me complain if I want to!
My brain tumour is benign, so I particularly hate hearing “oh that is a good tumour to have”. Yep it is great I don’t need chemo, but that is really all that is good about it. It then makes me feel guilty that I am complaining at all (see above). Some people seem to think that because it is benign it hasn’t really affected me, or that I would get over it quickly. Which is far from the case. Sadly this tumour will probably be stuck in my head for a while to come.
I have mixed feelings about the food. It was great to get it, but I found that hubby shoved most of it in the freezer where it still is. We got a fresh macaroni and cheese from our neighbour that tasted so godawful even the kids wouldn’t eat it which caused more stress (as we then had to find something else to eat). But the thought was there, and on those truly bad days being able to grab something from the freezer was fabulous.
I too (like becausei’mthemum’s husband) am coming up to the 12 month “cancerversary” and it is bringing up mixed emotions. I think because I am still unwell I am finding it quite hard. If you said to me 12 months ago that I would still be so sick I would have laughed at you. I think I find it hard when people presume that because so much time has passed, that everything is fine, when we know it isn’t. Which is probably another thing to be mindful of – what you see on the surface may not be what is happening underneath. I look ok, but right now I could happily vomit all over your shoes then go and curl up for a nanna nap. Instead, I might go and put some toys away. sigh.
Hugs to anyone going through any illness. It sucks. But heres hoping for sunny days and unicorns that poop rainbows.
loading...
Complain away, darling. We will listen. xo
loading...
aw thanks Picardie. Truthfully MM cops most of it lol. The joys of being able to blurt stuff out anonymously
(although now I feel like a right royal whinger lol. must stop whinging
)
loading...
Oopsy – I always love your posts. I love your real-ness. Dont you ever change. And anytime you need someone to hold ya hair or make you a juice while you hurl – I’m ya girl xx
loading...
aw shucks thanks Haven Maven, although that may be asking a bit too much.
unless that juice involves some vodka, then come on over! (oh and I actually really like lasagne lol. It’s one of my favourites)
loading...
Cancerversary, I love it!
loading...
Such a great article! It’s so difficult, I think most people try to be supportive but feel scared and unsure and end up saying all the wrong things.
My personal favourite is “it’s all about a positive attitude, think positively and you’ll beat it”. So when people die of cancer it’s because they just didn’t try hard enough? If they were perkier they would have made it through? Awful.
loading...
“I would love to come and see you.”
Really?
I think that must very much depend upon the individual person.
I have known two people who unfortunately had contracted cancer and both of them wanted people from their past; for example people they knew from their old home town, who they had gone to school with but hadn’t seen in years to make contact with them and come and see them.
“I’d love to come and see you” were words of magic to them.
I don’t think that you can make a blanket statement and speak for all people who have cancer.
loading...
I agree, simple blanket statements have no place in a complex topic such as this. I can see how some things might be upsetting (in fact, most things on the list fit that category), but we’re all different, with different coping mechanisms and a different list of requirements of our friends and family.
In the end, it’s surely got to be about motive; about being as supportive as we can be to the people who need us, in whatever we’re able.
You don’t have to eat the lasagne; you just need to know that the person who made it, for you, has also been affected, albeit in an entirely different way, by your cancer.
loading...
Awesome comment CK
loading...
Thanks for pointing this out catgirl. Each of these points is generalised, and was also edited down for the sake of brevity
Having visits can be wonderful, and most of the ones I recieved I’m very grateful I had. There were times though when I wondered who was doing the comforting, the visitor, or me?
I appreciate the feedback.
loading...
Lovely article. Sorry it has to be written, cancer is so awful
Great idea to suggest what is good to say also. Thanks again. X
loading...
11. “Oh my God. You’re such an attention seeker.
What….. da….. F*%# ?!
Don’t say that. I did, and I want to shoot myself.
loading...
Shellystone, that comment, verbatim, was actually said to me! And the person who said it continued to (sneeringly) say it. Even when I was going through drastic and barbarous chemotherapy and all my hair fell out, all my fingernails and toenails fell off – I was still just looking for attention.
That person was my husband.
Was.
loading...
I am so sorry! I honestly regretted it AS SOON as I said it, and I’ve been hating myself ever since. Of course nobody goes out and gets cancer so they can get attention.
What actually happened was he was incredibly drunk (against doctors orders) and asked me to have sympathy sex with him. Very lame, and very stupid and I should have left it at that, but noooonooo. I had to pull the ‘attention seeker’ card.
He has terminal brain cancer and is starting to loose his wits and sense of judgement, and I should have been the grown up and let it go
I really don’t know how to rectify the friendship. Any suggestions?
loading...
Shellystone – I should think before I type!
I am certain you wouldn’t have said this with any malice.
I’ve been thinking how I’d like to be approached (not that my ex is at all likely to) and …
…how about you contact him – phone or face-to-face is best, and say something like: “You know that awful AWFUL comment I made to you back then? Well, I feel mortified about it, and I’d really like to apologise to you….”
And take him out for coffee and cake or whatever.
You’ll probably both end up in (cleansing and forgiving) tears.
hugs to both of you xx
(I very likely won’t know if you reply to this, as notification e-mails don’t seem to be going through, any more.)
loading...
Just turn up, honey. Fully clothed, naturally! Make your peace, apologies and forgive yourself. If I flogged myself for every dumb thing I’ve said I wouldn’t have any skin left. And you’re right, he was taking advantage of the situation.
loading...
Thanks ladies!
No, we aren’t getting notifications, but I thought I’d take a lookie anyway.
I will just simply apologise. Not much else can be done
loading...
They only way that we got throught my FIL’s battle with terminal cancer was to use humour.
One line that actually makes me cry just thinking about it, “I’ll have a cup of instant coffee. I may not be here when the tea has finished brewing”.
loading...
Bless!
loading...
I love your list Jo. Especially the Praise Jesus Diet, made my morning!
We are coming up to 12 months since my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour. He was not even 24 hours diagnosed, he was in hospital waiting on brain surgery, wondering if he was going to live or die, or come out of surgery with all his faculties, and I got my first email from a friend detailing something similar to your Praise Jesus Diet. At that point I just didn’t have it in me to make such a life changing decision about whether sticking with medical advice – surgery, chemo, radiation therapy – was the best way to go, or should I advise my husband to radically change his diet and lifestyle because following a diet recommended by a friend whose parent’s friend’s uncle’s brother was ‘cured’ of cancer because he followed it. I had enough trouble digesting all the medical information we were being given at the time. That email wasn’t helpful, in fact it just clogged up my already foggy brain with more information that I just didn’t need. I know the advice came from a good place, but delivering it less than 24 hours after diagnosis was just the worst time.
Now we are coming up to 12 months, I am dealing with a husband who has slipped back into a black hole with all the “what ifs?”. He is doing very well, tumour appears to be gone, chemo and radiation are finished. But everyone keeps reminding him that it’s nearly 12 months and they want to re-hash it all again. He’s still hearing stories about how someone died from what he had and how lucky he is. I can’t wait until the first anniversary passes. I feel it will get the monkey off his back and he can then go on living.
One thing though, it just amazes me how many people are diagnosed with cancer. Of course, once you have something you find out just how many people around you have had something similar. But I am often amazed at how many people my age have been treated for cancer.
Re the lasagnes: We had a freezer full of lasagne, spaghetti bolognaise and pasta bake. I know it’s all sent with love and it is really so much appreciated, but it is nice to be able to eat something different. We went through a phase where we ate pasta or mince meals every night for weeks. There are some wonderful cooks in the Mamamia family. Can we put together a list of other meals to cook for someone who is sick?
The best meal we had delivered was from my husband’s boss’s wife. She did a chicken casserole, delivered it hot with veges already cooked. There was enough to feed an army so we could divide it up into portion sizes which suited our family and freeze some for later. She also cut and packed sandwiches for our three kids for school lunches. She did one Tupperware container for each child with the sandwiches made, cut and wrapped so I just had to pull them out of the freezer each day.
loading...
What a lovely friend you had becauseimthemum. Some good ideas and I am going to remember this. My go to meal for friends who are sick or have new babies usually involves my slow cooker so the vegies can be inlcuded as the whole meal, sometimes with a breadstick to accompany. Lamb shanks with vegies are my favourite
But the pre-made sandwiches are genuis!
loading...
Risottos are good (and freeze well). Or even things like bringing around a latina pasta type dish with sauce. It doesn’t take much to cook those up. But putting anything in a dispoble container (so you don’t have to return it) is a fabulous idea! Nothing worse than thinking you have to wash up and return a dish when it is the last thing you are thinking of.
So sorry that your hubby is a bit down. The “what ifs” are a bit of a killer aren’t they.
loading...
Thanks oopsy. I showed him a photo yesterday that was taken on his first day back at work, 4 months after surgery. He looked awful. We didn’t realise it at the time of course, he just wanted to get back to work, so that life could get back to normal. He’s getting grief from his boss because he hasn’t reached targets in the timeframe he’s supposed to have. I reminded him of how far he has come and how he still needs to give himself some credit for what he has been able to accomplish while doing chemo and radiation. Then I tell him to tell his boss where to stick his targets!
loading...
oh dear, stupid bosses, stupid targets.
Yes I need to be reminded of where I was 4 months ago too. Today (despite the nausea) I went to the gym and had a session (with a very tall man with a very large chest) where he showed me all the weights so I can get lean and strong! 4 months ago I could hardly walk. I really should stop complaining hey
loading...
Thanks so much for sharing your story becauseimthemum, some great advice there for others who will walk the same path.
Love and hugs for the future
loading...
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in February this year and had immediate (and totally successful) surgery (Yay!), followed by 4 and a half months of chemotherapy. During that very difficult period we had amazing support from our friends and our childrens’ school community by way of food and school runs, which we will be eternally thankful for. We did get a lot of pasta (my kids still won’t eat lasagne!), but some of the best food gifts we got were cookies for school lunches (pre-bagged and frozen!), chocolate cake (which the chemo made me eat!), muesli slice (which we are all still addicted to), pre-cooked and frozen lasagne in foil trays and several friends arranged delivery of hot dinners during “chemo weeks”, like stirfry in individual noodle boxes, fried rice and chicken, potato and leek soup. chicken noodle soup and boxes of ice creams for the kids (and my husband!). Gorgeous! I was lucky enough to not be so severely affected with chemo side effects (apart from the hair loss thing!), but your taste definitely changes, so my advice would be ask what the patient feels like before you cook. I found that I basically went off the same things that made me feel sick when I was pregnant, For me, being on chemo was a lot like being morning sick and hungover at the same time (!), so I craved fruits and carbohydrates, but couldn’t stomach anything too spicy or fatty (because your liver is being hammered and not by anything fun, like a stiff G&T!). Also, chemo patients are often told to avoid the same “listeria” foods as when you’re pregnant, because you have no immune system to speak of, so sterility and food safety is top shelf important when you’re cooking for cancer patients. Hope that helps and thanks to everyone who is keen to help friends and family with cancer. The positive support from the network that builds up around you when you have cancer is something you carry with you for the rest of your life.
loading...
This is great info BusyMum40, how can people know what we’re going through – or what are the best things to do or not do – without these kinds of discussions? Thank you
loading...
I had a life threatening “thing” a few years ago (misdiagnosed stomach ulcer, prescribed nurofen plus by a quack, ended up with my stomach artery bursting and I almost bled out). Not cancer, but I completely relate to the “oh, it’s been 12 months/2 years” thing. People bring it up and want to discuss it and I find it really difficult. For some people, it’s an interesting story (no question, it was a really full on thing with dramatic details). But talking about it is hard. Having people say “wow, so you really nearly died” is hard. Seeing people want to talk to my husband about it is harder – he had a doctor tell him I probably wouldn’t make it, not something he wants to relive, not something i want to see him think about because i feel bad that he went through it too. The anniversary date is horrific for us both – I get horrible anxiety and stress before and after. It has gotten easier, but it’s still hard – but I’m hoping each year will get easier for you both (and me too!).
My husband’s work sent us fruit instead of flowers which was great – gave my family some healthy options when they were at the hospital with me – and a few nurses benefitted too! Cupcakes were good too – snacks for them and the nursing staff loved a sugar hit in the afternoon or when starting the late shift – I had the sweetest orderly who worked nights who loved it when I saved a cupcake for him.
loading...