Michelle* writes:
Have you ever felt like your job was wrapped into your identity, woven into your psyche so tightly that if you tried to pull it free your world would unravel and dissolve?
That is how I feel about my job. It is who I am. Yet I have no job security. My boss flits around my head like a deranged hummingbird pointing out every mistake I make.
All I ever wanted was to be a journalist. Now I am not so sure. I fell into work in a newsroom and decided my path was to be a television news journalist. I could even present the news one day!
Now, after two years and experiencing the world of TV news, I am not sure this is what I want. How do I tell this to my family, who told me I “am not allowed” to quit my job, it is too good and I am lucky to be here?
My older brothers always saw me as the “smart one” because I could read very well and write. “Your job is awesome, Michelle, don’t you ever dare quit,” they’d say.
I come to work wound up, scared to make a single mistake lest I be dragged into another meeting, another “talk” with the boss. I am afraid to leave my desk in case I have forgotten something, anything that might make him pounce on me.
The media is an unforgiving temptress. Things change every day. I do love the media, and I want to be a journalist, just television is not for me. I feel like I am trapped in Sydney, in a small bubble unable to move on anywhere else because this company is now my life.
I know my job like the back of my hand, yet it is so easy for things to go wrong here. My boss has a zero tolerance toward error.
I have been known to sit in the toilets, rocking back and forth with tears streaming down my face, repeating the words “I can’t lose my job, I can’t lose my job.” Yet I want out.
What do I do? I don’t want to let my family down, yet I need to escape this career. I want to write. I want to stretch out my creative wings and dabble in writing, maybe even write for a music magazine.
I feel like if I lose my job here, I have nothing left. I lose what makes me … me.
*We have used a different name for the author.
Has anyone else ever felt like they were trapped in a job that was woven into their identity?
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Due to anxiety I can't keep a job, I get a job and then I think "So, this is going to be the next 40 years of my life..." and then I quit. I think you don't like your job and tha is fine, try to get a new job and then quit this one. You may regret it latter, but you can't live your life in a miserable job due to your family expectations, it's not like you have 7 kids to support. Make the best of your life now, because you don't know if you will have a tomorrow.
My first job out of uni was in the marketing department of a state theatre company - we schmoozed at opening nights, hung out with the 'stars', were buddies with them even. We got to see a production from conception to closing night, were intimately involved in the process. We got to travel when a production did, got to have long boozy lunches, had some of the best xmas lunches ever and even got to do cool things like produce radio and TV adverts.
But after two years, all I wanted was to get the hell out - its was crushing my soul, going into the same office, seeing the same people, getting bogged down in paperwork, bitchiness and working long hours for little financial reward.
To most in the office, when I put in my resignation, they were shocked: "we thought you loved it here", "but you;re so suited to working in the arts!" - amazing how well I had everyone fooled. It's not that I didn't love them, I did. I just don't suit working in that environment. My personality needed something different.
My advice, no matter how freakin cool your job may seem, if its not helping your soul to sing every morning when you wake up, if you have to drag your butt out of bed more often than not and if its crushing your spirit, then KNOW, within you, that you're more than your job. It doesn't define who you are and most importantly, you're allowed to change your mind, often, whenever, about what type of career you want.
Good luck - I've never looked back x