Fat Sex: What everyone wants to know but is afraid to ask.

First, you’ll need to overcome the idea that your partner doesn’t know how fat you are.

I’m a fat woman. I’m a fat woman who has had lots and lots of awesome sex almost exclusively with partners much smaller than myself. When I met my current partner a year ago, I was at my fattest, about 150 lbs heavier than he is, making our sex the most drastic in terms of size difference relative to my past partners. Most women I know would not be comfortable with that size difference, and in candid moments, friends have asked, “So, how does that work?” The short answer? It works just great and I love it. There are many misconceptions about how fat people have sex, especially when one partner is fat and the other isn’t. I’m here to explore that topic, specifically the issue of being a fat woman having sex with a smaller partner.

I know many women who would love to have sex with smaller partners but feel that it wouldn’t work mechanically, that two drastically different bodies couldn’t come together in a pleasurable way. Additionally, many women who do have smaller partners tell me they don’t totally enjoy sex because they feel self-conscious, embarrassed, or unfulfilled because they can’t “let go” during sex. This brings me to what I feel is one of the most important parts of enjoying sex as a fat woman:

You’ll need to overcome the idea that your partner doesn’t know how fat you are.

Your partner knows, and guess what? He or she wants to have sex with you. When I was a young chubbette, I remember trying to contort my body into more “flattering” positions while I was having sex, as if my partner didn’t notice my belly was getting paunchy. I’d arch my back, refuse to do positions that made me “feel fat,” and drape different parts of my body with a blanket or pillow to hide my increasingly chubby body. Sometimes that made me feel more at ease, but mostly it became tedious, distracted me from feeling sexy, and annoyed the crap out of my partner who just wanted to see his hot girlfriend naked. Once I became much larger than I’d been before, I simply refused to have the lights on during sex for the same reason: “He won’t know what my body looks like if I don’t show him.” Well, he totally knew how fat I was, and guess what? He still wanted to have sex with me, and what’s more, he loved having sex with me.

It took me a long time to realize that my partners were having sex with me in part because of the way my body looks, not in spite of the way my body looks. It sounds simple, I know, but when you spend your whole life being told that fat bodies are not sexy, it takes some time to realize that sexiness isn’t that simple. This understanding is not something that happens overnight for most of us. Hell, it can take years. But, the sooner you learn (yes, learn) to feel sexy just the way you are, the sooner you’ll be able to enjoy your sexuality more fully. Really, this goes for men and women of all sizes, not just fat women. You owe it to yourself and your partner to trust that he or she really desires you and to do the best you can to keep that in mind when you find you have a hard time letting go and really being seen during sex. As a good friend of mine put it:

“In our culture we have been taught to dread being able to pinch more than an inch and to be disgusted with our muffin tops. Even if we are thoroughly rad and feminist and above that sort of self-hating thinking, sometimes we don’t like what we see in the mirror, and sharing one’s body with another human being is an incredibly vulnerable act that can bring out our insecurities. But know this: the one place you should never, ever be ashamed of your body is during sex. That is the time to celebrate its capacity for giving and receiving pleasure. Instead of pulling away, enjoy it when your partner embraces your stomach or fondles it—soft voluptuous flesh can be a real turn-on. The way a woman’s form often holds its extra weight—around the belly, hips, thighs—is seen by many partners to be uniquely feminine and extremely erotic. The love handles you might hide under hoodies during the day should come out at night in all their glory.”‘

Getting started.

You’re going to need a few things. First, get some big, firm pillows. Pillows are a fat girl’s best friend during sex. Next, find a firm, yet springy surface to do it on. Pillow top mattresses and memory foam tend to not be as easy to have sex on since you sink down into those surfaces instead of bouncing back. Next, get some decent water-based lubricant, just in case. I’ve heard a lot about fat women having “big vaginas,” which honestly doesn’t make any sense at all. The vagina is inside of the body. That would be like saying that fat women have bigger kidneys just because they’re fat. It’s nonsense. What’s far more likely is that you may just encounter the opposite – a fat woman’s vagina can be hard to enter, especially if it’s not properly lubricated. Fat women can have more padding around the vagina (on their mons pubis and labia) than a thin woman, creating a potentially tricky situation. If your partner tries to enter your vagina when it’s not sufficiently lubricated or doesn’t take the time to part the labia, there can be resistance. If you’re lubricated well and take care to spread apart the fat surrounding the vagina, you should be good to go.

Fat sex positions.

Not all sexual positions work for fat people and that’s okay. Many positions are challenging for everyone except gymnasts, so don’t feel like it’s just about you being too fat to do them. Most people have trouble with those positions. Personally, I have little to no interest in doing gravity-defying positions, so that’s not a problem, but I do miss being able to spoon-fuck (my ass is simply too large for any penis, no matter how gigantic, to find its way into my vagina in that position). More than any advice I can give you about where to put pillows, it’s going to take communication with your partner to find positions that work well for you. You’re going to need to talk about your fat, move it around, try out different positions, knowing and accepting ahead of time that it may not work out. A sense of humor is especially helpful when you’re trying out new things! You don’t need to be embarrassed, and hopefully, you have a loving, communicative partner who won’t make you feel that way. I believe that as long as your partner is GGG, the two of you will be able to experiment in a productive, positive way. If your partner won’t communicate about your sex life? Well, I think that’s a whole other article, but for the moment, I will give you permission to go ahead and stop having sex with that person until they are willing and able to make sex enjoyable for you.

Here is how I modify three standard sexual positions to make them fat-sex-friendly.

Missionary.

Depending on the size difference between you and your partner, missionary can be either no big deal or a bit of a challenge. A big belly and thick thighs can and DO get in the way during plain ol’ missionary; however, you can make missionary really work for you in a couple different ways. First, get those pillows out. Put a pillow under either the small of your back or right under your butt. Second, draw your knees up and pull your thighs toward your chest.

This will give your partner optimal thrusting room since this positioning moves your thighs out of the way and really opens the vagina up for deep penetration. Plus, these simple modifications on missionary allow you more room to really feel your partner thrust! When I was heavier I couldn’t reach past my belly to grab my partner’s butt while he was thrusting, which was a bummer. Once he began moving me around a bit, I found I could really get a hold on him and we both started having a really good time.

Being on top.

If you hear nothing else I’ve had to say, know this—you are not going to crush your partner if you get on top of him or her during sex. As Hanne Blank says in Big Big Love- A sex and relationship guide for people of size (and those who love them), “No, you aren’t going to crush, smother, suffocate, smash, or otherwise injure anyone you have sex with…even if you’re honest-to-god super duper fataroonie fatapalooza fat fattity fat. Really.” I officially give you permission right this moment to get on top of your partner and ride that penis or strap-on until the cows come home. Now that we have that out of the way, here’s how to make it work. First, know you may need to move your fat around until it feels comfortable. When I was heavier, I’d have to literally pick my belly up and move it around. Same with my thighs. Don’t be afraid to do it! Bellies hang and thighs can swallow up a small partner, so re-positioning is necessary in those instances. Second, put a pillow under your partner’s butt to elevate him or her higher. This makes it easier to really get down on it, so to speak. When you do this, evenly distribute your weight by planting your hands firmly on the bed instead of sitting straight up. This will give you lots of control.

Another issue many women have with being on top, other than the fear of crushing their partner, is mobility. I’m not going to lie, being a fat girl on top can be physically exhausting and awkward to figure out. If you find that you become tired, allow your partner to hold you still and do all the thrusting from below! That can be a really nice compromise and can maximize your time on top. Finally, once I figured out that thrusting down on my partner was actually easier because I was fat, a whole new world opened up! Easier? Yes, I said easier! You see, when you’ve got a really huge bottom, you can use the momentum and sheer force of your ass to thrust down on our partner. Kind of like this. Pop it, girl.

Doggie.

Doggie is a favorite fat sex position because it gives your partner plenty of room to work with, plus the belly is out of the way. However, if you’re blessed with an especially large behind, as I am, you may find that even doggie can be a challenge. Personally, I do not find being on all-fours-doggie as easy as a modified doggie where you place your head lower than your behind, like this:

You can further modify doggie by laying down with a pillow under your belly like so:

This position props your butt up creating lots of space for penetration and it’s super comfortable! I highly recommend it.

This piece originally appeared on Persephone Magazine, a daily blog focused on topics of interest for modern, intelligent and clever women.