Have you noticed your vagina looking a bit old?
Do your friends peer at it sympathetically and say, “Oh no it ‘s fine. It’s just looking…a bit tired.”
Do you find yourself wistfully looking back photos of it from 10 years ago, thinking, ‘God, it just looked so plump and dewy then’.
And are you backing away from getting it out in public, afraid the world will notice the wrinkles, pigmentation, the grey, sagging lines?
Then perhaps you need a vajacial.
Yes that’s right, ladies. FACIALS ARE NO LONGER FOR JUST YOUR FACE. They are now for your pants face. For your front bum. Your panty hamster needs a pamper and the beauty world is here to save us.
Oh, you assumed you could leave it and your body would just work out it’s natural processes? Oh no. Ohhhhh no no no. What do you MEAN you haven’t been applying SPF30+ on a daily basis? Have you SEEN the pigmentation on your lady pocket? You could do with a good cleanse, deep cleansed, exfoliation, mask, deep moisturizing serum and a massage to promote circulation until the oily and dry areas are balanced and it’s relaxed and renewed.
According to vajacial pioneer Lisa Palmer, who demonstrated the process live on UK morning TV, the treatment can give women “the vagina of a 25 year old”. The host of the show was very confused.
The dating expert had her vajical epiphany after she started dating younger men and made the mistake of actually thinking they cared what it looked like.
She says while she paid lots of attention to her makeup and clothes, she couldn’t help feeling self conscious about the appearance of her vagina. She now performs a vajacial regularly, by steaming the area and applying vitamins and egg whites.
“We tend to forget our nether regions, thinking a Brazilian wax is enough,” she said. “But when I was dating my first younger man I looked downstairs to realise it was a bit wrinkly and dry compared to when I was younger.”
I guess, whatever makes you feel more confident, right? The politics of pubes are tricky, and if you find self-confidence in the dewy glow of a fanny facial who are we to judge.
We normally just dim the lights, Lisa. The flicker of candlelight does wonders for hiding those crumpet crows-feet.
We’re no stranger to the trends surrounding the hair down there. From shaving, to depilatory cream, from Brazillians to landing strips, we’ve run the gamut of fanny fashion.We’ve waxed and dyed and shaped and trimmed. Vajazzling had us sticking crystals on it until it was a knicker-bound disco ball, and the bush trend gave even bearded Fitzroy hipsters a run for their money.
It’s no wonder our vagina’s look tired. No wonder they need a little V-time.