This is a gross one, but I’m gross, so there’s that.
I’m on the pill, and while I’m on the pill I’m a little lazy with it, so I forget days or times here and there (just begging to be impregnated here). So because of that, sometimes Aunty Flo just rears her ugly head. It’s like I forget to take that one tablet one day and those ovaries (or whatever, I don’t know how anatomy works) are waiting in the dark, and as soon as that pill doesn’t drop down my belly, they have a celebration party and bam, period.
I’ve had it like three times in one month.
So recently, I’m at the shopping centre to go to the doctor because my son has this nasty cough, and I feel that familiar feeling that says the river is flowing, and I’m like ohhh CRAP. Obviously, I’m wearing light coloured pants, me being me. I’ll leak and it’ll be a disaster.
Listen: Jackie Lunn realised that her kids have actually been listening to her lectures. (Post continues.)
I rush to Aldi while I feel a slow, uncomfortable leak feeling, thinking time is limited and I pick up some pads, and while I’m in Aldi I get some bananas, a new bathtub, a jackhammer, you know, when in Aldi…
I go through the checkout, buy all the stuff, run to the toilet, and grab my pads. All the while, my son is banging on the walls and pulling out everything I bought. And then I realise in my hands it’s not pads that I’m holding – it’s tampons. Tampons.
This is bad because, I don’t like tampons… In Year Eight I read a disclaimer on a pack that said you could get toxic shock syndrome, I don’t know why but I imagined putting that tampon in and having electricity jolting through my body and dying. I’ve also tried to put them in before and it was a horrible feeling. I don’t know how some of you ladies like it, but I wish I did. Nonetheless I needed protection, NOW!
I open up the little box of devil sticks and they all come falling out, and my son asks me “what’s that?”
I say “they’re tampons,” while trying to get him to turn around so I can you know, put it up there.
And he says “huh?” looking distressed.
And I say, “they’re baby mice, little mouses!”
“Awww cute!” he says, and cradles a few, while I’m silently laughing.
I uncomfortably get it up there and I take him to the doctors, feeling protected and leak free.
We are called in and my son is being a champ for this doctor, she says open wide and he opens wide, and then they start joking together and the doctor tells me how cute it is, and on cue my son starts acting especially cute.
He's saying cute things and then he feels it's the right time to share something with the doctor...
He looks her in the eye and says: "My mummy put a baby mouse in her bum bum"
The doctor looks horrified and says, "pardon?"
"My mummy puts mice in her bum bum," he repeats.
I die and explained it's actually a tampon and we have a good laugh.
"Phew!" I say to her, "imagine if he said that to someone else, at least you're a woman so you understand tampons".
We laugh again. She says he looks fine, just viral (it's always viral. He could be dying and it's viral).
We leave and I'm still a little red in the face and Luca, well he's hyper and happy and we open the door and he starts yelling repeatedly: "My mummy got a baby mouse stuck in her bum bum!" over and over at the top of his lungs to a crowd of patients in the doctor's clinic.
I do the walk of shame thinking these people probably think that's why I went to the doctors. Ahhh sigh. Yep. this is parenting life folks.