Story of my life.
By NATALIA JASTRZAB
‘Vaginal prolapse’.
‘Sparkly vulva’.
‘Male chastity belt’.
‘STI cupcakes’.
‘Fake hymen’.
‘How does anal fisting work’.
In most jobs, you would get fired for Googling any of the above things. I would get fired for FAILING to Google them.
Here at Mamamia, we’ve done articles on every single one of the aforementioned things. If I haven’t been responsible for writing the articles, then it’s been my job to illustrate the articles with visual images.
My Google history is a DISGRACE. And as you can imagine, I guard my computer with my life.
I would sooner feed myself to a tank full of various hungry sea creatures than allow my parents to use the Google search function on my laptop, should they discover any of my past searches.
In their eyes, I’m still their little girl who loves dollhouses and those spinny flying fairy dolls. Not the kind of person who types ‘fisting’ into their search engine.
I also have a number of friends who don’t really understand my job, so they could accidentally stumble across my recent searches and then be all, “Natalia? Is there something you want to tell us? Also, what on EARTH are the benefits of a sparkly vulva?”
Luckily, I have discovered a solution. This week, a Reddit user posted a picture of a medical bracelet that, instead of listing medical conditions or allergies, simply states: “Delete my browser history”.
Well, this seems practical.
Seems nice and straightforward to me. Easier than my original plan, which was trying to convince my best friend to delete my entire history once I die. This from my intriguing article about male chastity belts:
It was a dark and stormy night in the Jastrzab household. Lightning slashed its way through the sky as I stared at my computer. Paralysed with fear, I picked up my phone and dialed my best friend.
“I need you to promise me something,” was my ominous opening line.
“What is it?!” she exclaimed. The concern in her voice was obvious.
“When I die, will you please take my computer and delete my entire Internet search history before anyone else can get their paws on it?” I begged. “I just don’t want anyone finding out that I’ve been typing ‘male chastity belts’ into my Google search bar. Especially because I’ve been doing an image search.”
And then there was silence while my best friend went off to try and find a new best friend.
With this nifty bracelet, I will no longer have to rely on my friend. Anyone who sees my browser-history-medical-bracelet would be able to help me out. It’s either that or I arrange for my computer to automatically self-destruct if anyone except me touches it. (Could end badly. Hmm.)
What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve Googled?
PS. Speaking of browser history – did you know Facebook saves all the searches that you type into that nifty search toolbar at the top of the site?
Yes. Yes it does.
Here’s how to fix it. Go to your Facebook page and click Activity Log (up the top right hand corner). Hit “More” under “Photos, Likes, Comments”. Then click “Search” to see what it’s logged. You can clear the entire thing – should you need to…
Comments
49 Comments so far
The worst is of course the iPhone search history. Here’s an example. Of course it is completely made up in every way, and this would never happen in real life:
1. A younger work colleague is talking about a weekend experience. Older colleagues get uncomfortable, and recommend that a little caution is taken. To help prove the point and educate the younger colleague, one searches for something on their iPhone, and shows (and shocks) the naive peer. The search term might be something like “catching chlamydia through oral sex”.
2. The owner of the iPhone goes out with someone that they’ve recently started dating. While strolling through the city they think “hey, let’s see a movie”. The remember that they have a great device in their pocket that helps find out things like movie times. They say, “let’s check my phone for times”. They pull open the search page… which shows all of their search history… while their date looks on in curiosity…
Moral: delete your search history. Even when innocent, it might implicate you. Or maybe, before you go on a date, search for things like “volunteer work”, “save the children”, and “investment advice for secret millionaires”.
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Sometimes i deliberately DONT delete my browsing history on my iphone so i look really normal and wholesome. But if i have to google something dodgy, delete! Though i have discovered (and it’s ridiculous to go to so much effort) that you can google the word google, then look at it in google itself, so only if people are there will they see what i’ve looked up. Im exahusted already.
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While making the invites for my besties hens party I wanted some cute clip art of hen silhouettes so google imaged “cute hen silhouette” – words typed in and preview images themselves innocent enough- the actual pages I got linked to.. 100% porn! Accidental way to see a lot of naked girls bending over :/ who knew….
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Hmmm delete search history every day
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Thanks for the Facebook search history tip. Kind of alarming to see it all laid out before you! I like the message Facebook gives you when you clear the searches, “Are you sure you want to clear all your searches? Only you can see your searches, and they’re used to show you more relevant results.” Um, ok. So, in the whole wide world of interwebz, I’m the only one who can see my searches. yeeeah right! And, am I the only one who wonders just why it is so hard to decipher the security/privacy settings in Facebook??
I have my computer preferences set up to never remember history and also have cookies turned off. But, according to Firefox, telling a website you do not want to be tracked does not force them to honour this setting – it’s voluntary. What??
My Google search history would be pretty colourful too I guess. It does freak me out a little, the amount of information they can accumulate about me. My gender, age, that I have a child, am recently separated, where I live, work, shoe size, various dodgy body functions, what i like to eat, watch, cook, read, the list goes on and on! Bloody hell, so much stuff….!!!!!!
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Thanks for the Facebook hint, definitely a good one to know!!
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My favourite band is Tool. A few years back I heard that there is (as they call it) a semi-official website that has been going longer than their official one and that it is sometimes better than the band’s official site.
I heard this on a radio interview and they said it was (what I thought I heard) Toolshed.com
Being lazy and having Google as my homepage I just typed in Toolshed and was surprised to find out that Toolshed is the name of Sydney’s premier gay adult shop (how the items would differ from a standard adult shop I don’t know, but….)
So yes, in my browser, if history is not deleted, I’ve been looking for gay sex toys.
PS. Truth be told, I have friends who would suggest deleting the fact that I am looking up the band’s website… Heathens.
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All of my browsers are set to “delete browsing history on exit”.
This has never been an issue for me – I am surprised it is for so many others.
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I too google some very interesting things as part of my job…my internet history would lead to some serious confusion…the most recent research on penis pumps comes to mind!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And where can I get a bracelet! Or maybe a card we could carry like our organ donor cards???
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Umm, how about checking the option ‘delete history on exit’ in the browser…problem solved!
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You can tell a lot about people from their last youtube search.
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Sausage dogs in socks!!
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Looking for images for an 80′s themed girls night I googled images for girls just want to have fun….some interesting pics but not really what I had in mind for my party invites!
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try teaching science and tell year 8 they can research any astronomical item they wish to write a report about, one poor boy was devastated after he typed in black hole
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That made me laugh. A lot. Poor boy!
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We needed some new floorboards, and were debating which type of boards to get. Here’s some info: don’t type blackbutt in as two words
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My innocent little brother was 11 when he attempted to Google the Vin Diesel movie XXX. Needless to say, his search brought up something very different to what he was expecting. He was very embarrassed to ask what had happened and why it was so hard to find pictures of Vin Diesel.
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Had a very embarrassing Google experience lately. Was writing something and needed to look up that story about the little Dutch boy who saved his town from flooding. Not thinking, I actually typed the words ‘Dutch’ ‘finger’ and ‘dyke’ into Google. Big mistake.
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I can safely say I’ve googled similar things in my job as a government bureaucrat and thought nothing of it…our Dept has limited firewalls (compared with other Depts) precisely because it’s our job. For example, you can’t develop good sexual health policy if you don’t know what anal fisting is
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When I was completing my second degree in Social Work, my husband used to say that ASIO were going to show up and arrest me based on my browser history. It changed every semester, subject dependent, but ranged from illegal drugs, child pornography/abuse, domestic violence, racial vilification/discrimination, gender, sexuality…
Hopefully, a more thorough search would show that I only ever went to information only websites! And once the semester was finished I never went back to them again!
And there was once when I googled ‘pearl necklace’, looking for something for my mum. Who knew that phrase had two meanings!!
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Last year I did a subject at uni to do with terrorism and cults…I always wondered if I got put on some sort of government list!
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Yes, I had the same fear whilst completing my social work degree and doing a policy assignment on child pornography… Thankfully asio haven’t contacted me …. Yet!
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I just deleted my facebook search history…new New Year’s resolution – stop the stalking.
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I once had to give a very long explanation to my friends as to why I googled ‘Morman underpants’…..
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Why DID you Google Mormon underpants?
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I googled this once as well! Apparently they have to wear them…
“Practicing adult Mormons wear religious undergarments that remind them of sacred covenants and encourage them to dress modestly.”
I remember hearing about Mitt Romney wearing them once and had to google what they were
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You saw John saffran’s fascinating doco on this?
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I googled that one too. I blame my obsession with Big Love
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I read on a news website that the current government wants to keep a record of all our activity on the internet for 2 years. Then it won’t matter whether or not we’ve deleted our browser history. Scary stuff.
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I recently discovered the Facebook search history…lucky no one else can see who I’ve been searching for!
Every now and then I clear the search history on my iPhone…nothing too naughty, but I do search personal things and while no one usually uses my phone, you never know…
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I didn’t even know fb had a search history! Excuse me a moment while I ahem. do some deleting!
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I have spent the past few days googling ‘genital herpes’ because I think I guy I slept with a couple of weeks ago on holiday may have given them to me. I have a doctors appointment for Friday but I am completely freaking out and I dont feel like I can tell anyone. Help? I am beside myself with worry
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Blood test will show if you got it or not. If you do, they will give you two pills to take over 2 days. You will be fine. Good job you went to see a doctor. I had the same experience. Internet will freak you out even more. You will be fine, don’t worry!
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Don’t freak out too much. There are 2 outcomes, either you caught it, or you didn’t. If you didn’t then cool. If you did, then you will have to make some slight adjustments to your life, but it’s certainly not the end of the world. Lots of people live with it and don’t have any problems. If you do have it though, you need to tell any prospective partners that they could possibly be exposed to it.
If it’s not ‘active’ then you probably won’t infect anyone else, if it’s ‘active’, you should be able to tell, and be able to avoid sexual contact.
Be aware that condoms DO NOT protect you/others should you have an ‘active’ infection at the time of intercourse.
Either way your doctor will have all the information. Don’t stress, you’ll be fine.
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A bit more on active though – don’t forget about shedding.
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Having had the same experience some time ago I can imagine just how you are feeling. And b2 is right. Don’t freak out too much. In my case it was positive and the first case was the worst- it all got far milder from there- I had actually forgotten I even had it until I read your post as it just petered out after a couple of episodes. I know every case is different but i just wanted to let you know that the internet search scenarios are often extreme and i for one, freaked out wayyyy in disproportion (not uncommon!). As is often the case the fear is worse than the reality. Good luck!!
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Thankyou all for your comforting words. The support and kindness that I feel from the mamamia community has brought me to tears
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I once googled ’26 foot long poo’. I had a group of friends over and one of them borrowed my iPad to google something and they saw that…needless to say, I had some explaining to do!!
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That made me spit my tea onto my keyboard. How *did* you explain that one? I bet I’m not the only one who just googled that!
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I had to google that. There’s pictures and everything! Amazing!
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Nope, I didn’t google it…er…yes I did!
Anyone got one of those bracelets? Hee Hee!
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As a writer of a sex blog and an intimate relationship expert for various websites I,also, have an interesting search engine history. I hope that no-one ever uses my profile to find information while on my computer and because of this I regularly do a clearance of my browser history.
Would definitely buy one of these bracelets!!!
To check out my blog go here http://cgrace4wellbeing.blogspot.co.nz/
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Vaginal Prolapse and Sparly Vulva would be great names for heavy metal bands !
I could even picture a duo name “Anal Fisting” singing something demure at the Eurovision Song Contest, representing Sweden.
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God, I wish I hadn’t googled “vaginal prolapse”… thanks for that…
Also, you can use Chrome (and other browsers I think) in ‘incognito mode’. This means that it doesn’t store all that history on your local computer. ( & & ) in Chrome.
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Too funny, heading to facebook now…..Although thinking I should do MORE risque browsing so I leave an interesting enough conversation starter for my wake……”Really she was browsing things people shove up there bums”….and that is in jest I haven’t……YET!
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I have all my search engines set up to delete all browser history as soon as they are closed
So every time I reopen a browser I start out fresh again. Stress free living!!
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How do you set this up?
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It does depend on the browser you use. But it should be found under the tools/options/internet options tab and then go into ‘privacy’. Here there will be an option to delete your browsing history on exit or never remember history.
Hope that helps
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If you have Safari. You can turn on “Private Browsing” which is on the drop down menu under Safari. Then nothing you do is saved into your history. But you have to turn it on each time you go into Safari. it doesn’t stay on there permanently.
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