by EM RUSCIANO
Dear my darling “The Voice” contestants,
Seal has returned to his palatial home in England, where his man servant Charles is rubbing a soothing infusion of lavender and rosemary into his gleaming scalp.
Delta is busily finishing off her new range of perfume called “Juice De Delta” – where her scientists (all of whom have impossibly thick and healthy manes) have found a way to extract Delta’s very essence and bottle it, so we can all walk around smelling like her. Incidentally, it smells of daisies, honey and cotton.
Keith has been off rescuing orphaned African puppies and wait… I’m just getting news in…. Yes! Yes, I can confirm that Keith has also single-handedly – saved the whales. All of them. You can look for his new range of underwear coming out this spring, “UrBANG” – each pair comes with a detachable snail trail.
Joel is home in his Punk Palace, where he and Nicole wax lyrical about the issues of the world and whether or not feathers in a girl’s hair makes them look chic or cheap. He has been advised by neurosurgeons to lay off the hair dye for a while, as it would seem that some of it has leaked into his frontal lobe. Benji just sits… aaaand waits… his time will come.. Right guys?
What about you, now-unemployed-and-in-danger-of-becoming-irrelevant-reality-TV-contestant?
What about you?
I want to start off by saying, it’s all going to be okay. Regardless of what happens from here, you were a part of a truly awesome thing that captured a nation and I promise, you will look back on it in years to come and think WOW. [post continues below gallery.]
Karise and Darren
Get out there and whore yourself – I mean it. No one will do it for you. The glory of this season is already starting to fade and by the time the second season hits – it will be COMPLETELY GONE. So make hay while the sun is blinding everyone.
Perhaps form some sort of a mega singing group with your fellow rejects? Charge through the nose for corporate gig. I’d certainly pay to see a few of you together in matching outfits singing like angels. (Not actual angel outfits though, that would be weird… especially for Darren.)
Think about what you really wanted from this experience and go after it. Don’t compromise, do what you love, how you love it and that will attract opportunities to you.
Stand up for yourself. I wish someone had said this to me when I left the Idol compound. Learn to say NO, respectfully of course but learn that word and how to use it. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Diana Rouvas, if a man in a cheap suit approaches you holding nipple tassels and a mic – RUN girl, run!
People will approach you in the street because they feel they know you. Use those opportunities to rope them into coming to your gigs, hand out flyers, win over one person at a time. Don’t be creepy and desperate though… Bursting into tears yelling “I need this, why have you abandoned me after voting for me? Whhhhhyyyy?” just isn’t comfortable for ANYONE. What? I MYSELF DID NOT DO THAT… Much…
I cannot stress enough, my friends – if nothing comes of this, if you are back in your usual job in 6 months time – you have not failed. Because you tried.
Stick with me here, kids. You bothered to put yourself out there and have a crack. It is easy for us to sit at home judging you in the comfort of our lounge rooms but you guys actually got up and chased after something you love.
How can you ever have any regret about that?
Also, you got to meet Seal. ‘Nuff said.
I mean that. Because so much of it is – luck.
The Masterchef judges