Em Rusciano Tuesday 29 May 2012 8:29am

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by EM RUSCIANO

The real winner tonight was undies and snail trails and flat tanned stomachs and undies and smatterings of honey coloured hair and what? Where am I?

Yep, tonight Keith Urban stood up (via satellite) and most women and men who are so inclined, fell down…

Here is the moment if you missed it:

Lucky he was wearing some impeccably, impeccable white Calvin Klein undies and not the ones my husband usually gets around in. Sometimes there are so many holes involved it’s just a waist band and a small y-front begging for mercy. Also, I wouldn’t allow my husband within 50 paces of a white anything but I’m pretty sure Keith shits filtered dew drops so you just know they’ll be pristine at the end of the day… Too far?!

The dramatic opening music told me that “The Voice” would get down to boning people pretty quickly and they did not disappoint.

We did cop a sniff of the fact Seal’s contestants would be singing his songs or his arrangements of other songs, this excited me for several reasons.

One of them being the chance he could storm the stage.

Team Keith kept Darren Percival and Brittany Cairns thanks to the public vote and he chose Diana Rouvas and Adam Martin as his own. This sent my one of my faves Jimmy Cupples home along with triple denim Taga Paa. Since Keith was in LA and wasn’t there to console his rejects (I can say that as I am a fellow reality TV song contest reject) Seal stepped up to rub his chest against them all inappropriately. It was soothing and creepy in equal parts.

Team Joel got Sarah DeBono and Lakyn thanks to you lot and he chose to keep Prinnie and Ben Hazlewood, leaving Laura Bunting out in the cold.

First up for Team Seal was Chris Sebastian wearing what looked to be.. Well, a Seal. He had on a dapper, shiny black suit and his hair was severely side parted. It all worked for him. The song was I Can’t Stand The Rain by Anne Peebles (Seal’s arrangement of course) and he pretty much nailed it. I just can’t shake Guy from my head when I hear him though, maybe that doesn’t matter anymore?

Next up Danni “Wind Machine” De Rossi. There was much talk of how she was overhauling her look after just 2 weeks, I think they set the styling machine to “young Denise Drysdale” as Danni again looked older than her years. From memory she had a cute, ghetto, Snooki vibe going on – I say work with that. The song When Love Takes Over by Kelly Rowland was shouty and forgettable. I rate this Danni, I rate her face off. Delts just needs to pick better songs for her and the wardrobe department needs to relax and trust their instincts.

The next act divided Twitter. I was a fan others not so much, it was ZEE RUSSIAN singing Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. I think Courtney Love would have approved of this performance as it was a little cracked. I am a big fan of Viktoria, she is a tad nutty and that excites me. Her dress was amazing also, wardrobe NAILED it with her.

GROUP NUMBER ALERT! Team Seal singing Seal’s Grammy award winning song “Kiss from a Rose” with Seal. Can you handle it?! I was hoping for Seal to make some kind of an aerial entrance but instead had to be happy with a thrusting entry in the middle of the group circle. Then, just when I thought it couldn’t get anymore AWESOME, ACTUAL ROSE PETALS STARTED RAINING FROM THE CEILING! I know!

After we’d all recovered from the glorious Sealetts, Delta sent her ex-backing singer up on stage to tackle one of my all time favourite tracks Closer by Neyo. She briefly mentioned in the pre-package that she was going to throw in some dancers but Glenn wouldn’t notice so it didn’t matter.. Okaaaaay… To his credit I thought Glenn “Timberlake, not a backing singer anymore” did very well. I also thought the dancers were a nice touch. Seal really didn’t, I mean he hated the dancers hard. In fact he seemed to be hating on Delta for most of the evening..I’m sensing there may have been some sort of a disagreement back stage on who got to wear the Thai elephant headpiece that Delta was sporting in her group act. Obviously she won that stoush and Seal was pissed – he was going to wear it as a magnificent loin cloth.

Fatai appeared in a haunted ghost church wearing an Angel’s wedding dress with Liberace’s belt around her neck. She sang Beyonce’s version of Ave Maria and it was pretty magical. Fatai is a solid contender, I’m tipping a top 3 finish. Once she discovers her groove and we get a fast paced soul number from her she will be unstoppable. Seal sniped that all she was missing was backing dancers… You see what he did there?

Next was Rachael Leahcar singing Geroge Gershwin’s Someone to Watch Over Me. The song was too much for her, she seemed intensely nervous tonight as though the enormity of everything is finally starting to hit her. This was easily her weakest performance- I think she’ll be safe.

Finally the epic Karise came on stage to sing Landslide. She also seemed ridiculously nervous, in fact a lot of them seem unsettled tonight. Karise is the best singer in the comp hands down. Tonight was shaky and her dress questionable but still a solid effort. I like her a immensely.

GROUP NUMBER ALERT! Our Delta at the piano in a new floaty frock and the aforementioned, controversial – Thai elephant head gear. (I cannot take credit for that, my husband’s mate Crooksy came up with it.) Delts and team Delts belted Born to Try in 65-part harmonies and it was pretty bloody good.

Karise and Darren

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So in summary: Keith’s underwear. Thanks and good day.

Same Bat time, same Bat channel next week my cherubs.