Em Rusciano Tuesday 24 July 2012 11:45am

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The cast of The Shire

by EM RUSCIANO

Relax.

Seriously, take a deep breath, fart if you need to and just chill the feck out. I’m talking to you: intellectual moral high ground Australia.

Never have I witnessed so many puffed up chests as I have since The Shire, came into our lives.

Before I dive bomb into this one, let me state that I don’t have an exclusive contract with Channel Ten. I am hired as an independent contractor, I can work for the other networks if I want to (if you own a network and you’d like to buy my soul please feel free!) What I am about to write has no professional bias attached, whatsoever.

The Shire. Yep – I’m so going there.

Twitter was doing my nut in last night with the amount of jerks winging about the show. It’s quite simple really – if you don’t like it, don’t watch it!

Is someone you follow on twitter tweeting about it? Unfollow them or – GASP – get off The Twitter while The Shire is on.

The thing that chops my nails is that it’s seemingly okay for us to laugh at Kath and Kim, Summer Heights High or We Can Be Heroes but it’s not okay to take the same attitude with The Shire gang.

Yes, Channel Ten are guilty of typecasting, stereotyping, setting up story lines and all sorts of other reality TV related atrocities but these people are different to me so, bugger it, I’m kinda interested.

I find it amusing. I do. It’s harmless. I haven’t been paying real close attention but this is what I have gleaned so far.

DJ Riff-Raff has pool parties where people engage in staged awkward conversations. He also has “rap buddies” – I WANT A RAP BUDDY!

The botox barbie girls are trying to make the world a better place. There has been a lot of talk of melting fat and spreading glamour. Good on them. GOOD ON THEM, I say!

One wants lips that touch her nose, the other wants one facial expression for ALL the emotions.

Hilarious, go forth and freeze – you ‘aint hurting me, sister.

I also recall a conversation between the botox babes, regarding the option of a smart child vs an attractive child. Food for thought, my friends. I bet my sweet bippy that if Tony Jones posed the same question to a Q & A panel full of child psychologists and philosophers we would all contemplate it with the utmost seriousness.

However since it was Vernesa and the small one bringing it up, while they were melting the fat off each others’ arses – we scoffed at the idea!

I just love these two, they are the early front runners for best on ground.

I think my favourite part of last night’s episode was when they were attempting to dance together but their respective bits kept bouncing off the other. Imagine throwing two pumped up basketballs together…. That damn ‘law of reflection’ was killing their dancing vibes

No! My favourite part where they were challenged by a woman at the gym about their “Cavitiatin” machine and the small one said: “The Australian Government says our machine melts your fat”.

No! My favourite part was the bit when Vernesssssssa said that guys like she and her friends because “they dance”.

Bekkaaa and her husband/father do concern me a little but perhaps that is just deep level, sub-conscious, jealousy on my part because my father won’t buy me a new nose/boobs/Mercedes. I do wish she’d pick better friends, those two boys she gets around with are toxic.

I learned that we are soon to meet the wild girls who own ferrets and serve drinks in their undies.

Some curly-haired skater girl is treating a man like a lot of men treat women. The aforementioned man has two best mates who look exactly like him and they all were crocked hats with stickers on the peak.

Mitch is hot and I think his ex-girlfriend’s mum has a thing for him..

That’s all I got so far.

My point is: stop being snobs. Get over yourselves and/or turn it off. If I have to read one more bleeding heart, intellectual, pointless tweet/blog/article about how this is a mass dumbing down of society, I will choke myself on Beckaaa’s weave.

Lighten up y’all.

Em. x

Em Rusciano appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’, she also regularly hosts The Circle. You should follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here.

Kerry: When she's not running Beach Burrito, Kerry is riding the rollercoaster of romance with Spock.

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