by NATH VALVO
Earlier this year I became a man, a real man.
And no, this is not an excerpt from Chaz Bono’s memoirs.
Drum roll please …
This year, I passed TWO kidney stones. AT. THE. SAME. TIME.
(Insert raucous applause)
Before this happened, it is safe to say that I was a pussy.
A massive pussy.
I cried in grade 4 watching Free Willy. I straighten my hair everyday. And I’m partial to using an exfoliating glove in the shower (does wanting immaculate skin make a man a pussy? Yeah, probably).
But I digress…
I was walking through my local supermarket when I was struck by an excruciating pain in my lower back. Considering I haven’t done exercise since that time in 2005 when I had to run for a train, I was confused as to what the cause of this pain could be. I knew it was serious.
I had to bail on my supermarket visit (I couldn’t afford the box of fruit loops anyway). A few minutes later, I arrived back home and called my nurse friend, Fiona, for advice. Once she had completed her initial assessment and was satisfied that it was not a drunk sex injury, she agreed to come over and drive me to a doctor.
But while waiting for her to arrive, the second attack hit. The final attack.
My entire body began to spasm, my insides felt like they were crumping to a Beyonce song. I found myself on the couch in the fetal position, shaking, vomiting (much like I did that time I watched The Shire)… then… I passed out.
A minute or so later, I came to – just as Fiona arrived. Having not seen me in such a state since 2003 (my Emo phase, don’t go there), she was understandably freaked out and quickly dialed an ambulance.
Waiting for the ambulance to arrive was when the real fun started.
As my lower organs continued to break-dance inside my body, I began to feel an amazingly intense pressure on my bladder. So intense, that it became very clear, very quickly that I was going to start urinating … whether I liked it or not (now I know why my mother of four children refuses to jump on trampolines).
Still in the fetal position on the couch I reluctantly screamed to Fiona: “I’m going to piss my pants! I’m going to piss my pants!” Fiona, without a second thought, slid over a salad bowl (with salad still in it).
Never in my life have I ever thought I would have to make the decision: “Piss your pants or piss in to a salad bowl.”
I undid my pants, screamed to Fiona “Turn around!!!”, placed my penis in the salad bowl… and began to sporadically urinate in rapid squirts.
Let’s recap the scenario.
I’m curled up on my couch… in agony… with my penis in a salad bowl… urinating… sporadically.
That’s when the ambos walked in.
I would LOVE to know what went through the ambos’ minds when they first witnessed this scene. “What a weird fetish!” or “Why not just use a fork?” or “You don’t win friends with salad… let alone having sex with it.”
Ignoring the penis on salad leaf situation, the ambos quickly administered some top-shelf painkillers and I suddenly found myself dancing with a unicorn on the moon to an Enya song. In reality this translated to being taken to the ER for some routine scans.
The scans came back to reveal that TWO, not one, but TWO kidney stones had made the courageous journey from my kidney down into my bladder.
The doctor exclaimed, “passing kidney stones is in the top 5 most painful things a human can go through!”
I am not too sure what makes up the remainder of the list, but here is my guess:
The top 5 most painful things are human can go through:
1. Child Birth
2. Being shot in the face
3. Kidney Stones
5. Salt & Vinegar Chips after a paper cut
The doctor also told me that the intense pressure on the bladder was the result of the stones “moving in” from the kidney. He also added that I would have to keep an eye on my wizz to know that the stones pass through completely. Fun.
I placed a pasta sieve over my toilet seat every time I tinkled and 2 days later, with surprisingly no pain, the 2 stones passed through my member.
Both father and stones are doing well.
Some friends of mine say the fact that I passed out from the pain still makes me a pussy, to them I say f*@$ you!
Facts are facts people. My gravestone will now read “Nath Valvo : Real Man (with immaculate skin)”
Sharing this story exhausts me. I need to re-fuel. Care to join me for a salad?
Nath Valvo is a comedian based in Melbourne. He can be heard on the Nova FM network and will one day host his own talk show. You can follow him on twitter here.
What’s the most embarrassing situation you’ve ever ended up in? How did you get there?