‘I love my body!’ Oh, wait….

Here’s an idea. How about all the celebrities who have lost weight agree to keep their clothes on. I know this is a radical suggestion but I’m making it. LOUDLY.

You see, if I have to see another famous woman wearing a bikini on a magazine cover and gushing about how much she loves her body? I may just throw something more substantial than a tantrum.

I’m all for loving your body. Oh yes. But I’m confused about why you need to lose weight, strip down to a bikini and have yourself digitally altered by a magazine to do so. Especially when you weren’t overweight in the first place.

Let’s rewind, briefly. How does a celebrity start loving her body? Well, first she must dare to step over Hollywood’s size 8 fault line.  Quelle horreur. Why on earth would she do such a thing?

Perhaps she’s just naturally larger. Perhaps she put on some weight. Perhaps she was photographed by paparazzi from a bad angle. Perhaps she was PREGNANT.

Regardless of the circumstances, the first thing she must do when her size is mentioned is to publicly, defiantly and repeatedly insist she is 100 percent comfortable with her body.  Happy with her weight.  She must also protest that it’s damaging and unhelpful when women have to conform to such unrealistic media standards.

So far so good. More power to you, sister girlfriends.

Former model and talk show host Tyra Banks followed this exact blueprint when she was photographed during a trip to Australia a few years ago. While the photographs portrayed a stunning size 12-14 African American woman splashing in the surf, many media publications ran the images with sneering headlines like Thigh-ra Banks. That kind of snarkiness is bitchy, unjustified and would hurt. Famous or not.

Tyra came out swinging when she appeared on her talk show a few weeks later in the same swimsuit, noticeably thinner. But her message was confusing. Clearly, she was pissed about being called fat. She also seemed upset that the shots had been taken without her knowledge. Fair enough.

Straight to camera, in her cossie and heels, she delivered a scathing monologue to….well, I’ve watched it several times on YouTube and I’m still not sure what she was trying to say or to whom.

Her main points seemed to be that she was proud of her body and that she’d never conformed to the ideal of the skinny fashion model even when she was one.

Tyra ended her tirade by shouting “Kiss my fat arse” which she helpfully smacked to emphasise her point. Except her arse wasn’t fat. Maybe that was irony.

Soon after, Tyra posed for the cover of People magazine, in another swimsuit, thinner still.

So. Just to re-cap, she’s proud of her body and the best way to prove that is to lose weight fast then pose for airbrushed pictures. Got it?

Jennifer Love Hewitt was taking notes. She also loves her body and affirmed this love when she was papped 18 months ago while frolicking at the beach with her boyfriend.

When the photos appeared, just like Tyra they were accompanied by nasty words calling Jennifer fat and ridiculing her for having a wee bit of cellulite. She too was a size 12-14. Appalling stuff.

At the time, a clearly upset 28 year old Jennifer posted this inspiring response on her own website:

“I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body. To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini — put it on and stay strong.”

Go you good thing. If only Jennifer could have stayed strong and left it there. But no. There she was on the recent cover of Who Weekly in a (surprise!) bikini shoot under the headline “From ‘fat’ taunts to fabulous’. Inside, more photos, all posed. More bikinis. More digital enhancement. And a long interview with the actress who described in detail her weight loss regime after those ‘fat’ photos appeared which included trying crash diets and at one point, running on a treadmill wearing high heels because “I thought it would make better leg muscles”. She also admits she considered liposuction before finally settling on a routine of about 90 minutes of daily exercise and moderate eating. She still feels guilty when she has a slice of pizza.

Look, all of that is fine. Lose weight, gain weight, knock yourself out. Whatever. It’s a personal decision. But I’m flummoxed by the whiplash-inducing messages sent by celebrities like Tyra and Jennifer who insist they love their non-size-8 bodies and encourage other women to embrace their curves but oh wait, we’ve down-sized! Best we show you our new ‘improved’ body to erase any media memory of our old one!

This is a very bad idea for everyone, especially the girl in the cossie. Wilfully engaging in a public debate about your weight? Posing for photos of your ‘new body’?  Participating in a story about your diet and exercise routine? This effectively puts your body into play, turning your flesh into media currency. And that is never going to end well. Not for any of us.