The book chosen for the Lifestyled/Mamamia bookclub this month was as significant as Bridget Jones in terms of defining a genre: in this case the working mother diaries. Paula and I sat down after (bizarrely) appearing on the Kerri Anne show on the same day (which is why we have so much make-up on – we’re actually both wearing ugg boots) to discuss it. We have answered two video questions and added more discussion questions below for those of you who can’t view videos online. Please share your thoughts on the book in the comments.
We’ll be telling you about the next book shortly.
Synopsis
A fiercely ambitious and talented thirty-five-year-old hedge-fund manager at the London firm of Edwin Morgan Forster, Kate Reddy is a successful woman in a notoriously sexist business. Her trouble is that her other life, as a married mother of two young children, is hopelessly at odds with her day job. Her architect husband, Richard, is sweet and feckless and would never dream of replacing the paper towels in the kitchen, and Richard’s mother keeps telling Kate that her poor boy is looking thin. The children’s nanny, Paula, is haughty, spiteful, and inclined to emotional blackmail. The housekeeper doesn’t clean anything down low (bad knees) or up high (vertigo).
Kate can juggle nine different currencies in five different time zones and get herself and two children washed and dressed and out of the house in half an hour (though occasionally with the baby’s banana oatmeal smeared on her Armani suit). She can read Guess How Much I Love You? to her son while scanning the prices on a stock ticker. She can do it all (it seems)—but the stress is ridiculous. Smug stay-at-home mothers at her daughter’s school, members of what Kate calls the Muffia, are always asking her when she’s going to start working part time. How long can she go on like this?
In a novel that is at once uproariously funny and achingly sad, Allison Pearson captures the guilty secret lives of working women—the self-recrimination, the comic deceptions, the giddy exhaustion, the despair—as no other writer has. Kate Reddy’s conflicts—How are we meant to pass our days? How are we to reconcile the two passions, work and motherhood, that divide our lives?—get at the private absurdities of working motherhood as only a novel could: with humor, drama, and bracing wisdom.
The author, Allison Pearson on this book:
Q1. Working Mothers vs Stay-at-home mums, which group judges the other more harshly?
Q3. What were the parts of the book that really resonated with you?
Discussion Questions
1. Kate Reddy feels fiercely competitive with the stay-at-home moms who she fears judge her for not being a good enough mother. This competition/anxiety makes working moms and stay-at-home moms view each other warily. Do you agree?
2. Which group judges the other more harshly do you think?
3. What were the parts of the book that really resonated with you?
4. Does the book capture the essence of modern life?
5. Is humour the most successful narrative device in this novel?
6. As Kate herself says, “Giving up work is like becoming a missing person. One of the “Domestic Disappeared.”
Is Kate’s decision to leave her job a disappointment or a relief?
So what did you think?
Comments
160 Comments so far
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I’m definitely a fan of this book and how it sheds light on the reality of life as a working mother. I also can’t wait for the upcoming film. I just watched the trailer and now I’m hooked!
http://www.youtube.com/theweinsteincompany#p/c/58D84ADD829201FF/2/bn_OrhwIidA
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Hi Mia & Paula,
Just finished reading the book. Just a few random thoughts are posted on my blog. I found it hard to read, but then realised it was because it wasn’t fiction enough! A little too close to home, methinks.
http://kympiez.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-dont-know-how-she-does-it.html
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Thank you Mia and Paula – I LOVED this book club, even though I haven’t read this book. I am in the thick of mother guilt, having recently returned to full-time work. Very few of my friends work – most are wonderful SAHMs. I have been wrestling with why I can’t be happy like they seem to be, staying at home with my kids all day. I love my kids but a part of me needs the stimulation of work and I am happier and more fulfilled for it. Still, recently I have been feeling judged – or perhaps judging myself as I scramble through each day while others seem to float. And I look at my kids and wonder, am I giving you enough? Am I present enough? Am I getting enough of them for me?
This was timely. Thank you.
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What’s the next book? I wanna order it…
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1. Completely agree. Like a lot of other people have commented, I think we judge others because we are insecure in ourselves.
2. I don’t think one judges the other more harshly. We all just think we are being judged more by ‘the other side’. Everyone just has to accept that for the most of us, we’re just doing the best we can/know how to.
3. The guilt. Being at work instead of being at home. Then when you’re at home, finding it easier to be at work than at home!
4. In some ways. Definitely captures the guilt that working mothers have and the feelings that working mums are being judged by stay at home mums and/or older generations (ie our parents). I didn’t really buy into the extremely sexist nature of Kate’s workplace though. I’ve worked in the finance industry for the last 13 years and haven’t found that I’ve been judged on my sex or having had children but in saying that Kate is based in the UK and the book was written a few years back, so maybe that was how it was.
5. I think it was the honesty of the character for me
6. I didn’t find it a dissapointment by I was a bit surprised by it.
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Didnt read the book but saw your vids – great.
I am a SAHM. I often wish I could juggle work and parenting. And I feel guilty that I don’t. If I DID work and parent…..I’d feel guilty that I wasn’t a SAHM. I am one of those women who don’t sit and judge anyone elses choices or think the other ‘type’ have is easier or harder or right or wrong….no, I’m just too busy beating myself up for that. he he.
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I tried to read this book. It was a bit of an effort. I got half way through and returned it to the library.
I think that the issues it raises are worthy of discussion but as a novel……aaarrrggghhh, it felt like I was reading a novel version of Home and Away (or some similarly vapid soap). Haven’t watched the videos yet – maybe the girls’ discussion will help me put my finger on why I couldn’t enjoy reading this book. It is timely though, I missed a call from work, yesterday, asking when I’m coming back from maternity leave. My answer? To THAT job? NEVER.
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hi,
when i first started reading this book i thought, yey, funny writing i’ll love it! and then something happen and i just started to feel really sorry for kate, her lifestyle is not something i’d like to have at all and in my opinion, she felt sorry for herself as well… in regards to the judging of other mums at school… doesn’t matter if work or not, you are always judged…if you are younger than them, if you missed “that” note and did not take the cake to school fair, if you are going for coffee or pilates after drop- off… so many things to be juged on!!! i think women make a choice and it should be totally respected by others, but the bitching will always be there unfortunately
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I was not going to comment on this topic as it cut way too close to the bone for me but just in a different way.
I was a pre baby Kate Reddy. In my previous life I worked for a London Investment bank for almost 12 years with stints in New York and Amsterdam, after being married for 5 years my husband demanded we procreate after much stalling by myself due to work ‘commitments’. We were lucky enough to fall pregnant straight away and have a gorgeous little girl who is now 3. We have since returned to Australia for my husbands work and as there was no way I would have been able to sustain the level of work I had resigned from my job anyway.
I actually read this book years ago when it first came out in the UK as Allison is a famous newspaper columnist and thought it was hysterical,but did put the fear into me about having kids and sustaining my career. I loved the book as she nailed the description of her work environment. It really is that full on and sexist so very very few women continue in high level positions after kids for the exact reasons that were described in the novel.
However I came back recently to re-read it and I could not get past the first couple of chapters as it just made me irrate! I think the book should be re-titled “You cannot have it all”
I loved loved loved my job and it was with immense sadness that I left it but working in that field you are paid HUGE amounts of money to do a pretty basic job but just in a very difficult environment so I could no longer relate to this character as I am of the opinion of ‘why do two jobs badly?’ which is what I think this character did and basically had a woman (aussie nanny) raise her kids who she could not stand and was not a good example to her children. That is weird to me and makes me so glad at the choice I have made.
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Good on you Brissie Mum. I like the way you said why do 2 jobs badly! I’ve always thought if you have a high pressure job that you love, keep doing it. But when you have children, have children.
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I though we were supposed to be discussing the book? Not the SAHM vs WM?
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I have my foot in both the gruops and I find that hard…I have my own travel agency that I operate from home….So I work and I am a Stay at Home Mum
I could get the ball rolling on a completely new topic there but I related to things from both side of the fence….Ok great now I am a fence sitter
Looking forward to the next book!
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I am lucky enough to work part time in a family business. I have the luxury of going in late because I need to be at a school event or leaving early if need it be. I honestly dont know how I would work full time in an unflexible job. Not being there for those important school events or the school drop off would devestate me. Not only that, but when do you do the groceries or clean the house? My hat goes off to those full time working Mums. I dont judge you, I just don’t know how you do it. In saying that, I wouldn’t trade with you. Those kindergarten years are priceless. This has really made me appreciate my job situation and my lifestyle.
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Wow, I’ve just watched the vids. Love them, really loved the chats. I did have to have a massive, massive chuckle at the description of school mums going off to pilates or coffee though. We have the school mum thing in a way, but it is so, so socially different to that. A couple go back to bed, I’m pretty sure a couple go off to smoke cones, some go to work, and then a couple do the reading or make the devon sandwiches at canteen. I’m not being judgemental of your experiences, I was just doing a little reflection. Anyway, off book topic I know
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I am one of those school mums who, depending on the day, will go and play tennis, have coffee, go and work in the canteen or go and help a struggling child with some one on one reading. I dont look at the mums in suits and begrudge them their designer gear and nice lunches, I admire their handbags and nice clothes! Thats their thing and thats their choice. I would hate to think they were looking down their noses at me for my choice, but at the end of the day I dont really care. Because come 3.30 I know my kids are at home with me doing their homework and playing. The working mums often have to race home before afterschool care closes and rush through cooking dinner and helping kids with homework. I might want their clothes but I dont want their lives.
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I think that’s something that’s been left out of the discussion here. The protagonist in this novel works in a high level position in a prestigious company in a world finance capital. Does anyone here actually know any London or New York hedge fund managers in real life? Similarly, the muffia all have husbands who have similar positions and incomes. Just as many working parents probably don’t have jobs that involve that level of aggressive competition, lots of stay at home parents probably don’t take their cake decorating that seriously either.
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You know what I would love a post on Mia? Mum Confessions. Where we all fess up anonymously if need be to some of the dodgy stuff we have done as mums.I reckon it would make some of us feel less guilty to know they we are not the only one that has smashed fruit mince pies. Whether we be stay at home mums or working mums, I reckon we have all cut corners at one point for sanity reasons.
I’ll go first -
I gave cereal to my son for dinner the other night when I had to finish a whole lot of work. He loved it! Might even do it again. My son had ANZAC biscuits for brekky the other morning because I had woken at 5am to get them ready for his school presentation and I woke him up too late to enjoy the normal leisurely breakfast that he normally has.
I emailed my mum and asked her if that made me a bad mum, she replied and said: “nah just a patriotic one”.
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I like your Mum’s style! And yours!
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ditto
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Confession: My daughter is eating an ice cream right now, it’s 8.45am.
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Now I want ice-cream. And I’m a working adult.
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Dairy has calcium, you are helping her to build strong bones!
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My little boy had ice cream for breakfast the other day. It was the only way we could get his penicillin into him. I’ve since invested in tubs of that Milo dairy snack stuff. Weeeeeee! Down the slippery slope I go!
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They had them on special at the shops and I thought they sounded nice, but then I was worried that they’d be like Yogo. I really hate Yogo. Are they?
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This is a fantastic idea. I forget (sometimes in an accidently on purpose way) to clean my childrens teeth before they go to bed.
I love you mums approach too!
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I’m a bit late for Book Club, but that’s probably a good thing as I really, really didn’t like this book. Or maybe I just didn’t like Kate? Either way I found it annoying. And the thing that annoyed me most is the complete lack of page space given to the husband, which corresponded to the amount of thought Kate gave to him.
I won’t even try and answer the reading questions because:
a) I’d rather not think about this book ever again; and
b) I am sitting in a hotel bed in BELGIUM after a glorious day travelling.
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Oh, I forgot to say….in relation to Paula’s comment that the stay at home mums looked disapprovingly at you all dressed up and that you felt intimidated, speaking for myself I would has it a guess that in their reality they were saying to themselves “God she looks fabulous…..God I look so daggy in my track pants and baggy top……I feel so intimidated by her”. I totally agree we are our own worst enemies and I am so sick of the working vs non-working mums argument. We all do a bloody fantastic job given the cards we were dealt and we critique ourselves enough without anyone else commenting. Can’t we just all be there for each other?
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Yeah I’m also guessing everyone thought the Mag Editor mum wearing Chanel would be heading off to work, rather than being free for a coffee!
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or probably thought she had far more exciting things to talk about and wouldnt want to be bored having coffee with us
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I agree about the SAHM being intimidated, but I have to ask, how many SAHM are going off to coffee or yoga? It might not be as many as you think! I don’t do it very often at all, and rarely with the tracksuit mafia (my name for us) from school.
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that’s what i was thinking too. Not sure how many SAHMs (esp those with other littlies at home) do get the chnace to head off for PIlates, tennis, coffee etc. More likely off to playgroup, doctors app, or home to do the dishes and get through a mountain of washing.
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Before i offend anyone, i understand that paid working mums & dads also have washing, dishes etc to do too
. Just saying that as a recent SAHm i find having kids at home during the day/afternoon creates soooo much extra housework. When i was working I used to enjoy walking in after work and knowing the house was in the same state as when we left that morning 
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I know what you mean – when I was working I also used a lot more convenience meals/appliances then I do now, because I feel like being at home (and not having that second income) means that I should be frugal, make time to feed my kids properly, and consider the environment more. Which I actually like doing, but for many it wouldn’t be optional at all.
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My experience as a SAHM..we ran the canteens (buying, cooking, manning, banking, paid accounts, reconciliation of accounts etc), sports days, fundraised our arses off (from sock/pie drives to catering for field days to trivia nights to musical extravaganzas etc etc), to buy computers, sports equipment, subsidise excursions (from regional Aus..very costly just to take the kids to Sydney), books and other resources for the library/classroom, we covered the books, we were assistants in the classroom, we drove carloads of kids to swimming lessons over summer & to intertown sports carnivals in winter, we sat on committees, ran the P & C, helped formulate policies, we developed & budgeted programs that introduced our kids to some of the things city kids have easy access to, we helped hire teachers, we workshopped with regional education directors, created our school councils, sat on the school councils, I could go on..we also ran the preschool and the local tennis club (for the whole town, not just the Mums).
Never got a cent for any of this, but plenty of social and mental stimulation. Our children benefited as did the children of the working mothers at the schools.
Just my perspective…
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I completely agree. I doubt the other mothers were looking at her in any kind of judgemental way. I think it tends to be one’s own insecurities projecting those judgements on others. Having said that like tend to flock to like, maybe seeking reassurance for their own life choices, or just because they have similar routines and free time to share. One of the stay at home mums may now be bemoaning how career mothers look down on her for wearing trackie dacks up to school, again all completely in her own head. Also I don’t think all maternal guilt is bad. Sometimes I do mess up something and the resultant guilt is helpful in working out a better way of doing things. So don’t ignore all the guilt, sometimes it is a message.
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yes!!! about the guilt. Of course we should try & minimise some of our mother guilt, but it’s never sat right with me when I hear that we are all great mothers in the big scheme of things. We are not. Most of us probably try our best, but i could make a list of the crap things I have done (hopefully minor) and another list of the sad things I see around me. I could tell you about one of my very good friends who is raising the most unlikeable, entitled, self indulged children I’ve come across. The no judgement thing can border on delusion.I think it’s trite to come back to ‘we are all good mothers, whatever choices we make”. I also think I’ve gone off on a tangent.
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Frankie I really agree with you. None of us are perfect, most of us do the best we can. But unfortunately not all of us. The motto ‘happy mother, happy child’ while a good one to live by, can also be used as a really good excuse to cop out and justify why some are being a pretty crappy mother.
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I dont even think Kate was really that happy, she was just a basketcase
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I read this book when it first came out and despite being a predominantly stay at home mum, only working 1 day a week, I felt I could relate to some of the situations Kate Reddy found herself in. The smashing of the mince pies had me in stitches and I found it related to the dreaded “taking in of the birthday cupcakes” to school and who’s mother made the best ones! Despite being a fairly good savoury cook, pastry chef just isn’t me! So I became the “packet queen” of cupcakes but they never seemed to look as good as those made from scratch. Perhaps I should have tried the rolling pin trick too!! Mind you, a friend has now given me the easiest and failure-proof recipe for custard cakes (imagine the lightest, fluffiest butter cake but only better!) and I find myself traipsing these out all over the place b/c I love the compliments!! One final thing. Mia, I so loved it when you totally forgot what you were saying mid sentence. It is me to a tee. So glad I’m not alone!
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oooh, any chance you want to share your custard cake recipe? I’m a struggling baker
Cake souns delicious xx
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the book was a good easy read but i hated the main character. she did nothing well and i found that infuriating.
i am a SAHM and i don’t think the author portrayed SAHM’s very well. i just find it hard to believe that someone could be so disorganised. if my friend was dying i don’t care how busy i am i would make time for her. if my daughter was that sad i would stop and think about my choices.
as i said in an earlier post, i think the book should have been called ‘i don;t know WHY she does it?”. why would anyone want a life so half lived
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I think what’s missing here is that while we all think about ‘what’s best for the kids’ etc. no-one thinks about the fact that ‘what’s best for the mum?’. and given the toddler/early primary school years don’t last for very long and soon my chidren won’t want to hang around me like a pop star I’m grateful to have been home with them for their first few years of life learning etc. it’s the first 10yrs of life that I think is most important in a little person’t life. they learn to read, they learn to go to the shops themselves, they eat corned beef and tuna for the first time, they learn to say ‘fart’ and I don’t understand why a mother wouldn’t want to see that happen. I have been working on and off for the past few years part time (lucky me) so I’ve had the best of both worlds but the world of watching these little people grow up will end soon and I will be so grateful to have that in my memory, rather than hearing about how it happened in someone else’s memory.
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Love these vids, ladies.
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Re question 1, I think we’ll always think which ever group we’re not a part of is judging the most harshly!
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I loved this book when I read it years ago. Was sooo me, all the juggling and trying to get by. I gave it to all my girlfriends to read, which everyone enjoyed and related to.
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I enjoyed reading the book and found it amusing (‘Egg Pie Snake Building’ springs to mind!)
I found elements of Kate’s behaviour frustrating, particularly in regards to the nanny and the cleaner – if you’re paying someone to do something and it’s not being done to your standards or how you would like it done, tell them or find someone else! That said, I’ve never had to find a nanny, so maybe if I had, I would be doing everything in my power to keep her…
I’m a SAHM and people are forever asking me when I’ll be returning to work. My son is 18 months old, and I think the question started being asked when I bought him home from hospital! I feel very fortunate that I was able to choose to stay home – a few sacrifices here and there and we’re surviving on one wage. There are days when I feel that other mums (be they SAHM or working mothers) are all doing it better than me and others when I feel on top things. We all set ourselves such high standards…
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Can we read Campaign Ruby next? I loved it, and it seems book club brings passionate debate, so lets revisit politics!
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It’s on the list! Thanks Madison
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I recently read Campaign Ruby too. Good read. Looking forward to discussion.
Nicky – can i please add Kylie Ladd’s After the Fall to the list. Just finished it. FANTASTIC
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Just came across this comment now, catching up on the overnight ones. I didn’t pay her to say that! I don’t even know her! But I do LOVE her
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OMG, never occurred to me that you were “Kylie ladd”. Bizarre, and kinda great.
I really did love your book xx
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I am, and thank you
Means a lot.
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Absolutley loved this book – it has this rushed / panicked feel to it and i guess because of this – i finished it well within a week – just could not put it down. Makes you realise that perfectionism takes a back seat when it comes to taking on soooo many roles as you need to be competant with so much! I’m in such awe of mothers regardless of whether they work or not! YOU ALL ROCK!!!!
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I haven’t read the book and I’m not a mother but i’d like to put my 2 cents worth in to the SAHM vs ‘working’ mothers argument which has risen as a result of the content of the novel.
My mother was a SAHM mother when I was growing up, my parents chose that (for them) it was more important to sacrifice a few luxuries in life so a parent could be at home for the kids.
My neighbours parents both worked because they were career driven individuals and they didn’t want to give up their careers. My other neighbours both worked out of necessity, there was a constant struggle in paying bills and concern over job security.
Each of those scenarios has had benefits and disadvantages to the kids (and this of course is not to say others haven’t had different experiences)
In my mums generation it was easy for her to stay at home because it was more of the norm. I know when it comes time for me to have kids i want to stay at home because I believe it was invaluable to have my mother there but in this day and age generally the financially ‘well off’ are the ones who are able to stay at home, and the government doesnt make it easier for women to choose to stay at home. so the reality is- in this day and age, is it really a choice?
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Great perspective. I agree. Many women who work do so out of some financial necessity and not because they are earning a motsa and running a hedgefund and wearing Chanel.
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Some of these comments are so strange to me. I’ve never correlated wanting to work/wanting to stay home with how much one likes to be a mother or loves their kids. I really don’t think one has anything to do with another. Women with children return to work for all sorts of reasons…women with children stay home for all sorts of reasons….being a mother means different things to different people – I don’t think there’s a “right” definition for “being a mother” so long as the family involved is happy, loving and functioning – with or without outside help.
I am sure that 99.9% of the women in both buckets love their children with all their hearts…and that all of the children love their mommies…isn’t that all that matters?
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beautifully put!
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exactly jb expat. I’m a full time working mother in a relatively senior position at work. I absolutely love my daughter in spades and adore spending time with her. For me, working full time has nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with my daughter, but it’s just the right thing for our family at this time. It may change in the future, it may not, but it works now.
I absolutely loved this book and could relate on so many levels from going through the fruit bowl in the middle of the night, to my husband finding me up at 3am making a casserole in the slow cooker so i could portion it out before work. The novel was funny, sad, provocative in our relationships in the work place are and the relationships between mums that are SAHM and mums that work outside the home. I don’t think either camp needs to make the other feel guilty, but more perhaps we need to look at supporting the ‘sisterhood’ and the ability that we have these days that actually allow women to make the choice to have paid work or stay at home.
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See how above the videos it says Q1 and then Q3 – where is Q2?! Sorry if someone else has already asked this!?
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This was one of the first books I read to completion (about 5 years ago!) after I had my two children and LOVED it. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking “why on earth does she bother?!” I honestly wouldn’t have the energy to do what she did. It was a great book, very detailed and humorous and well written. The school yard interaction was funny (and close to home as I had just gone back to work part time at the time.) Well worth the read. I always recommend it to friends who are thinking about going back to work.
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I have been a MamaMia lurker for months now and thought I might poke my head out of lurkdom to comment a little on how this book resides within the realm of women’s commercial writing.
There’s a strong body of literary theory out there that suggests that I Don’t Know How She Does It pioneered the introduction of a subgenre of Chick Lit called Mum Lit. Like the Chick Lit novels of Bridget Jones fame, Mum Lit is written in first person and confessional in tone, takes place in a contemporary setting and leverages humour. It differs from Chick Lit in having older protagonists who tend to have already married with children. A critical characteristic of Mum Lit is that the women are struggling to reconcile their need for an individual identity with the demands of motherhood. The endings are more individualistic (the quest tends to be for self discovery instead of for Mr Right)and open-ended as each woman must find her own resolution to her particular circumstances.
In the US, this genre is termed ‘Mom Lit’ and emerged there about the same time as Pearson’s book did in the UK (2002) with the New York Times Bestseller The Bitch in the House. Writing like this does exist in Australia but is more nascent here. It seems to be developing under the moniker of Confessional Women’s Writing. What I find interesting about this perception is that it suggests that women’s confessional writing is new when, in fact, it’s been around since at least the Women’s Liberation Movement (for example, Sue Kaufman’s Diary of a Mad Housewife which was written in 1967).
Overall, a very intriguing book and a great choice
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The Bitch in the House is a great read!
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I LOVED this book! I thought it was hilarious!!
What’s next? I heart book club!
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I heart book club too!
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Once again – impeccable timing.
My CV was fluffed up last week for it’s first outing since I became a FT Mum almost four years ago. Baby Lottie is about to turn one (where did THAT go?) so, briefly, I thought a part-time position might work….
CV still sitting on desk. Who am I kidding? Who would do all the stuff I am already struggling to get done each day? Oh, that’s right. It would be still me, despite a new gig, however ‘part-time’ it may be.
Would love to read this book. It sounds really fab. My pristine condition copy of the last book-club book is still sitting on my bedside table, hardly opened. It’s next to my immaculate copy of ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’. No time for that one either.
Judge anyone? Hell no. How do I feel about people who might be judging me? Absolutely no time for them either
Must fly, Baby Lottie is having seconds for lunch – off the floor.
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I found the book quite stressful to read actually – I had to stop reading it before bed! I have had a demanding career as a lawyer and am not working right now as I’m about to have my first baby. The thought of going back to my job once I have kids is awful, and I don’t know how I’ll approach it when the time comes when I want to return to work. Hopefully a part-time, more low-key option will satisfy me. When reading about Kate’s constant rushing around, being shafted by work and sent overseas, feeling guilty about her kids, and getting so little sleep and time for herself, I just kept thinking “Why are you doing this to yourself??!” My reading of her was that she had a passion for the work and was somehow addicted to it in a masochistic kind of way, and was scared to leave it in case she felt empty without it.
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Wow. I loved and was very saddened by this book when I read it 5 years ago – as Mia says ‘it cuts straight to the bone sometimes’. And it provoked me to set up a business to help working mothers – to stop the guilt and feel more successful at work and at home than they ever thought possible! I’m offering a free webinar on this topic tomorrow night Thursday 23 Sept 8-9.30pm – grab a wine, your slippers and curl up with your computer and microphones and have a listen! Register your free webinar (Online seminar)at
https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/430805546 ‘See’ you there! Cheers Maree
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You two are a crackup – love it.. I also love that you are being honest and staying true to yourselves and not necessarily saying what you “should be saying”, but saying how it is for you instead. Times have changed, there will always be mother guilt – I think it is primal as a mother – but I agree with you Mia – I am a better and happier mum with the choices I made. -x-
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I love and loathe this book simulataneously! Love it as it really does highlight how difficult it is to be a working Mum and loathe it as it is just so sad, and perhaps a bit too close to the bone for me. I should point out I am a working Mum with three young kids who has a business which means working from home with them running around me and also going into my office occasionally and using a Nanny. Juggle juggle juggle. As another friend in the same situation said to me “it is like trying to do your job as best as possible and being pulled underwater at the same time and vica versa”. I so get being at the mercy of a Nanny, it is very difficult to find someone you can feel comfortable with so you need to do everything you can to make them stay on!
Anyway I sometimes feel that when at school and choosing your career path you should be counselled on what is compatible with motherhood. I personally studied and worked really hard ot build a career and then when motherhood came around I simply couldn’t conduct a career and have a family without getting full-time plus care. For my family’s sake I decided to forgo the career, although now have a business in an unrelated area. I almost feel I wasted my years building my career. I have many girlfriends in the same situation – they seem to be two distinct paths – motherhood or career, very very difficult to have both (although my hat is off to you Mia as you seem to do it well!).
So I feel the book does truly reflect our modern dilemna – one that I can’t see ever being properly resolved.
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Well said Louise. I also studied and am now working in an unrelated area due to it being more part time compatible. I think if you’ve got a top notch career and then have children, something has to give and it’s usually the career. Now my children are older (13 & 11) I am thinking about getting back to my original career, but am a bit nervous about juggling it all. Like Paula said, men don’t carry that guilt (or the fact you do miss them enormously) that women do.
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I just saw someone who was judging herself far more than anybody else really was. I agree that the SAHM’s were given a pretty hard time by Kate, but I didn’t let it get to me, I think because I’m perfectly ok with my decision to stay home. I only wished she could feel as secure in what she was doing. There was one particular line that really got to me and has stayed with me ever since. She was referring to Paula, the nanny and was saying she was not ideal. Then she says (on pg 90) “But what is ideal? Mummy staying at home and laying down her life for small feet to walk over.” After reading that, I thought, she is definitley better off doing what she is doing if that is her view of staying at home with them. Children are better off with someone who actually WANTS to be there. whatever form that comes in.
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Yes! I felt sad that she felt she would be laying her life down for her children to walk on her….rather than viewing them as the most wonderful part of her life. Some kids are much better off spending their days with a nanny than their mum if thats how they see it.
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Some one wake me up when `I don`t know how HE does it` gets published.
And by the way, Helen Morgandorffer from the MTV series Daria is IMHO still the greatest fictional portrayal of a working mother of all time.
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“Some one wake me up when `I don`t know how HE does it` gets published”
I’m sure there are authors who would write something like that about a working father changing a nappy.
(Note: I am not saying men don’t change nappies.)
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We are term 3 now and my husband, wonderful and helpful and supportive though he is at getting my son ready for school, has just started to remember that Mondays and Tuesdays are PE days at school and require a different uniform.
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Daria is just all kinds of awesome, isn’t it?
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I’ve just been watching Daria! Have the whole series on DVD…:-)
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Oh Oh Can I come over???
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Sure!- if you can make it to Newcastle…
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Oooh Can I come over?? Pleeeeeeaaase???
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Weird double up!
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I asked for the dvd box set for Christmas! Can’t wait!
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What’s Daria?
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“Daria” is a 90′s animated comedy made by MTV. The main protagonist, Daria Morgendorffer, was a completely misanthropic, cynical and jaded teenager living in a hyper version of American suburbia. Her mother, Helen Morgendorffer, worked twelve hour days as a corporate tax attorney and was the main family breadwinner, though her husband also worked as a marketing consultant.
Helen was generally presented as a flawed mother, the family ate the same meal almost every night (salad and ready made lasagne), she was often out of the house by 7:30am every morning and often had to resort to bribery and blackmail to get her daughters to do what she wanted. She also rarely attended school functions, telling teachers she would be going out of town whenever there was a school board review or pta meeting, and in one instance she apparently got out of decorating for a school dance by saying she was allergic to crepe paper.
However, she still consistently made efforts to get involved in her daughters’ lives, even if they were mostly rebuffed, and did manage to make time for them when they really needed it. Her insight into both her childrens’ characters was also at times remarkably prescient.
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Thanks!
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There was so much humour in this book as well as the angst! No matter where you sit on the working inside or outside the home fence, the mouse poo raisins were hilarious.
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Before I forget to ask – what is the next book we are going to read as I’m loving this bookclub thing.
I really quite enjoyed this book. I loved the insight into Kate’s mind of insecurities, guilt and worry. I didn’t find her a whinger at all. I feel as women, mothers and people in general we are always trying to put our best foot forward and it only seems to make for unrealistic standards.
I often feel when we are judging others be it for good or bad we are often totally off base. I digress a bit here but will get back to the topic . . . . An example of this was a friend I had at uni. I commented to her once how she seem to have things all worked out. I saw her with a great boyfriend, seemed to find studying easy, worked part time, looked great and played sport. I didn’t have to work while at uni and didn’t have a boyfriend and she was envious of how much time I could put into my uni work etc. The grass always seems greener. This is putting it simplisiticly but it was a very refreshing and honest conversation. My point being we all have our own insecurities and sharing them sometimes gives support to those feeling the same. Hope that makes sense.
As for the working mums vs stay at home mums (I’m not sure which category I fall into as I predominately stay at home but run the admin side of our family business which means I put my kids into family day care one/two days a week) I think we’re all about level interms of harshness. On the days I’m working and someone I come into contact with asks me what time I’m picking the boys I always feel like I should say only til 4 or something, when in reality I’d prefer them to stay and have there dinner there so I can pack as much into the work day as possible to leave the rest of my ‘home time’ free, but I feel I would be judged. On the days I’m able to make mud pies etc I find myself justifying that I work part time though to keep my sanity (which I hate that it infers someone who doesn’t have work or adult interaction must be insane).
I also want to comment on the quote “Giving up work is like becoming a missing person. One of the “Domestic Disappeared.” this part of the book didn’t really resonate with me at all. I have never really felt like I’ve had a career. I only worked for a few years after uni and when faced with the choices of travelling, working or having children I decided that if I dropped dead at thirty what would I have wanted to achieve (that may sound bleak but I had only recently lost my mum) and for me it was the kid thing. When my husband and I had our family and I took on all the responsibilities that went with it I felt like I’ve found my place and sense of purpose if that makes sense. I’m assuming those with careers and like Kate this is how her work made her feel. Is this too simplistic a view? I think that when my eldest starts school next year I’ll be in a position to contribute to that community and I’ll endevour to invovle and include those mums who are in ‘dress up’ and in a different position than mine.
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JC – great comments about the book. We’ll be letting you know about the next book shortly,
Nicky
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I enjoyed the book although I didn’t relate to Kate much. She sounded so stressed out to me, and it read as though she had lots of other choices, so I didn’t get why she put herself through it. This is probably because I am not especially ambitious, and am pretty content to live on an income which covers what we need & a bit of what we want.
I didn’t love some of the descriptions of the SAHMs, probably because I’ve been one for a fair chunk of the last 9 years. I’m kind of steeled against that “I don’t know how you stay at home, I would be so bored, I’m a person who needs stimulation” etc type comment. They still make my hair stand up on my neck though. i know that when people are saying it they’re often just talking about themselves, but depending on the mood I’m in I sometimes take it as implied criticism/ judgement. I think some of the characters were stereotypes rather than fully formed ‘people’, but I didn’t read the book expecting anything else.
What was interesting to me is that near the end Kate tells her husband that she is hollow & doesn’t know who she is any more.I have felt this on & off over the years as a woman who stayed home with my kids when they were very little, and now only works when things come up during school hours. One of my closest friends has felt the same thing, although her experience is soooo different to me (full time, corporate, the whole shebang). maybe it’s parenting that does this to some of us, and not the way we do it?
One thing I have never personally felt is the need to live up to a certain standard. The cake smashing thing would never be me. Even when I’m home full time I’m more than happy to put some bbq shapes in a bowl or cut up some fruit. i worked out very, very early in this parenting caper that if I set those standards I would fail. i never set them, so nothing to live up to. (Of course I set standards for other areas of my parenting, but not that – couldn’t care less what anyone thought about my baking skills really).
Kate’s decision to leave work was 100% relief for me. Not even a tinge of anything else.
So, for me, a good read, a few insights and moving moments, and a few laughs.
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I didnt like those comments either. Its sad that opinion is formed so early. Often women dont have the opportunity to be at home fulltime with an older child who you can interract with and really enjoy. Because maternity leave forces them back to work when their child is still only a baby, and yes being home with a baby can be boring.
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How weird. I just saw this book lying on the table at my parents house. Their neighbor is moving and gave it to my mum. I thought it might be interesting and brought it home. Then I open up this post at mamamia.
I have just spent the last week wrestling with the idea of going back to work and researching and visiting childcare centres for my two children who have had me with them their whole lives. Do I don’t I. Do I want to be a stay at home mum or working for money mum?
I think the universe is speaking to me, if only I knew what it was trying to say.
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I think the comment “I work because I would go insane otherwise” or “I work because it makes me a better mother, a happier person” is quite sad and contradictory. To think that there are kids out there growing up in daycare because their mothers think they’d go insane if they stayed at home is terrible. What about the kids? And why would it make you go insane anyway? Mia I’m surprised that you said that working makes you a “happier” and “better” person – I would definitely not be “happier” leaving my kids with some early 20 year-olds who are hungover and have very little life experience and no love for my child (this comes from someone who worked in a daycare centre where other employees would come in still drunk or high from the night before)…
When will some women learn it’s not all about them, if you have kids maybe you should consider them too – and not just when you think about the money you might be bringing in to the family. This is not aimed at you entirely Mia as I know a lot of your work is from home, but that comment really made me sad for society.
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<- Definition of 'mommy guilt trip'.
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I’m not a mum so I guess I have a different view (which may totally change if I ever breed!). But whilst I will absolutely prioritise my child, I am my own person. I have my own dreams, ambitions and goals to achieve. Some of those are in my career.
I cannot fathom the thought of staying home for years with no proper adult interaction, and no chance to be myself and do what I do really well, and love.
I love what I do, and that is absolutely a part of me. I totally get the ‘i’m a better person’ because I will still have the chance to be me.
I’m also sad that you generalised daycare like that; I have 2 friends that love working in daycare, and its not at all like that. I’m sorry you worked in a daycare like that, but I suggest thats not the norm, and insulting to the hard workers (20 or 30 or 40 year olds)
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I think if you don’t think you will get to be ‘you’ when you have kids then you shouldn’t have them!!
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Well said MadisonC. I’m so tired of this cliche of full time mums abandoning their kids in child care while they galivant around the country. I work full time & my kids are at school, I work close to home & school and always manage to be there for important milestones, reading in the classroom etc. So MadisonC please don’t be turned off by the negative stereotype!!!
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“I cannot fathom the thought of staying at home for years with no proper adult interaction, and no chance to be myself…”
Please, can you tell me who I am then as I stay at home, and if I’m not myself who am I?
Also if you can’t fathom it, don’t have children, as if one of them is gravely ill you may not have that choice to go back to work, but rest assured you may just get that adult interaction you think that SAHM don’t get. Not sure what you’ve experienced in your life, but you will be pleased to know that SAHM are not locked up in cages away from all other human life, they actually live a very fulfilled life, being themselves and being able to “do what they do really well, and love” – being a SAHM and raising their own children.
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Adult interaction about kids because you’re all SAHMs is very different to interaction with work colleagues that feeds another separate part of your identity/interests as a rown woman who previously had a career. I have been a full-time SAHM and a self employed mum/part time working/studying mum and I know which works best for me. I was miserable as a SAHM mum – and no that doesn’t mean I think all SAHM mums are miserable – it just means I felt brain dead and guilty because I didn’t enjoy playing with and tending to kids all day every day. Once I got more for myself, I was able to relish the rest of the time I was with my family and able to focus on the mummy me. We are all different. And just because you don’t want to abandon your career to spend years at home with your kids does not mean you should not have kids. That is so judgmental it astonishes me. There are many variations on prioritizing our children and ourselves.
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I agree. I’m pregnant at the moment, and am a bit loathe to tell people widely for a number of reasons at the moment, but a massive one is that I’ve seen my friends and family members lose their own identities as they became “Mummy to be” and then so and so’s Mummy. Obviously you make sacrifices but not everyone wants or needs to be a martyr and give up everything for the sake of their kids.
If you really dig being a SAHM and the whole sacrifice deal, great, fill your boots. If you’re like me and most people I know, retaining that part of your life and YOU is important as well. I’ve made a point with all pregnant friends and family to not only talk about the pregnancy/babies because I think it is very important to remember YOU as well. YOU don’t stop when you have a baby!
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I’m a SAHM and I love it. I have heaps of adult company and catch up with other mother friends from either mothers group, school, kinder or old work friends almost every other day. I don’t just sit around all day and was not always a SAHM. I am home full time now with my third but worked part time through my first 2 pregnancies. I missed work, stimulation/freedom for the first couple of years of being a mum (not constantly just in waves) hence the reason for going part time but that faded and now I feel this is exactly where I belong. Everyone has different feelings on the matter for different reasons. I wanted to be a stay at home mum because I was practically brought up by nannies, not usually a bad thing but my parents did not make the best choices when it came to who looked after us. I have friends that work because either they “have” to finacially or need to to stay sane. No one in my circle judges anyone because we all respect and understand each others feelings and reasons. And on the topic of day care, yes I will agree there are some shockers out there but there are also some truly wonderful and amazing centres, you just need to look, and get on the waiting lists at conception
The place my son goes to is so amazing and the staff are so fabulous I want to go there!!! and before anyone judges he is in 4 year old kinder at a day care so thats why I have day care and stay home.
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Really can’t believe there is yet another post that will set mothers against each other – and this is a perfect example of why it will be so offensive. I can barely even be bothered to point out that some mothers (alot I know at least) need to work to contribute to the family income. Yeah, no can’t be bothered to argue my point or read this post.
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But thats okay.
Because it’s about the book. So if you don’t want to contribute…..dont!
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It is one person’s point of view.
The aim of the post is to talk about the book, not to pit mothers against one another. Let’s keep it that way
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And the difference being, in the book Kate had a choice. Working because you have to, to survive is different to working to “feel good about yourself.”
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Can’t agree with you more Dayna. I understand women who work to help support their families financially (I am one of those mothers) but if I didn’t have to there is no way I would leave my kids in care or with a nanny, why have them if you are ‘happier’ working?
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I’m not a parent, but I think the point is that they’re happier people with the balance – being a parent and a ‘worker’ (for want of a better expression, I’m clearly not implying that SAHMs don’t do any ‘work’).
Not that working is better than being at home with kids, but the balance of both makes for a happier human being…
am i right?
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so maybe only rich people should be able to have children then? my mother worked her ass off to be able to give me the life she thought i deserved to have, and yes that meant that i was in daycare, before care, after care, school holiday care blah blah blah. I am forever thankful to her , because she recognized that a good education, and quality family holidays, and extra curricular activities were more beneficial to me than her staying home and being able to meet me at the school gate every day.
I know that she also did this because she likes people, and social interaction, and working. Just because she enjoyed adult conversation doesn’t mean that she didn’t love and care about me, it just means that she didn’t stopped being a person the second i was born.
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Completely agree! went to after school care for years! loved it. played with other kids, ran around like crazy etc…
was always happy to see mum at 530, and i certainly don’t feel i got less.
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“it just means that she didn’t stopped (sic) being a person the second i (sic) was born”
.. and there it is, your assumption that SAHM’s aren’t people!!!
“because she likes people, and social interaction…”
… um, what do you think SAHM do all day – lock themselves inside and watch Oprah? Actually don’t answer that because you’ve already said that SAHM aren’t real people.
“my mother worked her ass off to be able to give me the life she thought I deserved to have…”
which you then tell us was a life in care – did your mother not think you deserved to be looked after by her and maybe miss a holiday here or there – or is that just the way you worded it, but meant it some other way – I wasn’t sure?
Oh, and last time I spoke to some SAHM their kids did extra-curricular activities as well – fancy that? But then you are probably still in shock that when their children were born they didn’t “stop being a person”
“just because she enjoyed adult conversation…”
I know you won’t believe this, but I’ve met some SAHM and they SPEAK!! You really need to get out and meet some of these SAHM who are not only people but who actually like people, social interaction and adult conversation. You might learn a lot.
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And some SAHMs really should get out & meet childcare workers who aren’t hungover, immature, uncaring 20-year-olds. And working women who don’t think “its’ all about them” (apparently it’s okay for working men to think that).
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Lulu, I never said that all childcare workers (myself included) were hungover, immature and uncaring. I said that some that I have worked with in my time had been. I also never said that they were uncaring – I said that they wouldn’t necessarily love your child – which may not affect/effect the care they get anyway. As for getting out to meet working mothers, they are the only mothers/women I do meet/know. Currently I don’t know any mother who doesn’t work for money except me. I wish I did though as it would be nice to feel I wasn’t the only one in the boat.
As for your comment about working men – I have no comeback for that one, but then the questions on the book club were about the female characters really so don’t think it’s necessary.
In conclusion I am sorry if my earlier message implied that I thought all childcare workers were not hard-working and caring – they are in the majority… however my years of experience in the industry have opened my eyes to many things and that was the point I was trying to get across.
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Dayna, you seem to take every comment about mothering that you don’t agree with as an attack on your choice to be a SAHM. Why is that? Why do we all have to be the same?
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Kelly I was responding to things that people had replied to in my post – I know we are all different and don’t think we need to be all the same. As I have already stated in my previous comments, my comment about “some women” was aimed at the character in the book (I can see that wasn’t clear and have already apologised and clarified). I did however specifically say it wasn’t aimed at Mia.
It’s interesting though that working mothers have said they hated the character and nobody has responded to them but I have been questioned and challenged as I am a SAHM – or is that just coincidence?
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Danya I think that’s really judgemental. Can’t women go back to work because that’s how they would prefer to spend part of their day? part of the reason many women go back to work is because they simply can’t afford not to! I am the child of a working mother (and intend on being a working mother myself after I have a baby next year) my 2 sisters and I are all in our late twenties with one or two degrees under our belt, we have travelled the world, worked full time and found ourselves in balanced happy relationships with men who respect us for what we have achieved. Do kids really need to be ‘loved’ by day care workers? I wasn’t and I turned out fine!
P.S. I have a fabulous relationship with my mum (and dad) and she is a constant source of inspiration for me – after years in the rat race, she has just started her own company at 53!
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Did not mean it to be judgemental, rather I was questioning why working mothers say that staying at home would make them go insane, something that I’m sure SAHM find judgmental (ie I stay at home, do they think I’m insane).
My comment about “some women” was aimed at Kate, the character in the book whom I thought did come across as thinking it was all about her throughout the book and as it was a Book Club I thought I could be critical of the character. After saying I was surprised at Mia’s use of words, I then went on to say it was not aimed at Mia, whom I’m sure is a great mum.
The comments about daycare came from previous experience with some unprofessional daycare workers who turned me off daycare – was it judgemental, I’m sorry if that bit was, maybe it was unfair and I will say I’m sorry here for the millions of daycare workers who do put in 100% to their job. But I was saying that I, personally wouldn’t be happy putting my kids in daycare, that is my choice but maybe I could’ve worded my reasons a little more fairly.
However, you have singled out my post as being judgemental, not the others following it about SAHM shunning social interaction, liking people, engaging in adult conversation… etc. So maybe a bit of fairness from you would also not go astray.
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Ah, the ‘some women’ being about Kate didn’t quite come across to me, hence my reaction!
I have limited experience with SAHMs (and I admire those that can do it). Financially I doubt I could, but for me, its not an option as well; i like my job!
I know SAHM’s go out & do stuff, I’m admiring of the ones that can afford to do so. I was jut thinking of an old boss who said ‘yes, i’d love to stay at home for 2 years, but i don’t have the financial means to sustain the SAHM lifestyle’.
I don’t think anyone meant to be attacking you at all, I think we all have strong opinions. For some women, they are fabulous at being a SAHM.
FOr some of us, we love balance sheets way too much to leave them!
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The comment about the SAHM lifestyle is interesting – I’ve been a SAHM for almost 2 years now and never paid to get in anywhere – my friends, who mainly work and I all meet up in playgrounds/beach/each other’s houses and that costs nothing… except the occasional coffee here and there. Many SAHM can’t afford to do expensive things as they are on one salary – at least we are, so it’s all about the budget but I don’t find it that limiting – it’s hardly like I’d want to take, or feel it appropriate to take my daughter to the theatre and lunch at Quay! I think I’d spend more money if I worked as I’d be shopping in my lunch hour, buying my lunch, buying new clothes for work…
I guess as an ex-teacher the thought of leaving my own child to go and be with 30 others isn’t as tempting as some of the working mothers who love their job. A few of my friends who are teachers haven’t gone back to work whereas all my friends who work in media, advertising and what I consider much more glamorous jobs have gone back and have no regrets.
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I just wanted to let you know Dayna that there is really excellent quality daycare available, you just have to find it. And I’m not saying that is easy, but I feel very blessed to have the extremely high quality child care centre my children have attended.
It has enriched their lives tremendously with loving and attentive one on one relationships with the carers, stimulating programs and a really happy place for them to be while I work. There are no hung over 20 year olds who work there! There are top quality staff with many years experience who have children or grandchildren of their own who genuinely get to know and love the little people in their rooms.
I really feel like the childcare centre and staff are an extension of our family, and while my kids only ever have one mum and one dad, it’s also ok for them to have some pseudo-aunties and uncles from childcare.
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Havent finished reading it yet – I’m not good at finishing books I get bored/distracted. And, just like The Slap, I want to slap her. I will join in assuming I never will finish it and add it to my growing pile of half finished books ! It is a very hard read and has made me relieved that my life is nothing like that.
Personally I only think women judge each other, either way, is when the kids look like they’re paying the price for whatever choice is being made. Women who take pride in parenting get judgy and upset when a child looks neglected – whether that be from a mum who is a depressed bored housewife or a working mum who is too busy to give her kids TLC. I think we need to get over what other people think, and if we can put our hands on our hearts and know we are doing the best we can thats all that matters. Perhaps thats why Kate felt judged?
I think it does reflect modern life and real life. Most women I know who managed to keep their careers going while their kids were younger, have mostly all had to opt out to a certain degree or reinvent themselves once their kids got older. Older kids are not as forgiving.
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Ha – i read this book years ago, but i recall wanting to slap Kate at times too – lol.
But, that said, overall i still liked her.
I think she was obsessive, and at times i disagreed with her decisions and priorities, but it was her struggle to find her way that interested me.
If she had been a glowing example of the “perfect” working mother: ie no guilt, no insecurities about the SAHMs at school, completly organised, cakes baked, lists of chores for the hired help done etc etc the story wouldnt have held my attention. It would have been more of “guide to being the perfect working mother – which frankly i don’t need (i already have a bookshelf full of baby/parenting books – lol)
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Great Videos!! Really enjoyed watching
STILL haven’t read book but DEFINITELY will now!
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I thought the book was a fun read to start with, but like a few others on here I really found Kate most unlikeable – whiny, insecure about the decisions she’s made in life. All that moany self talk stopped being entertaining and started getting annoying. Lucky I only paid $5 for it on ebay!
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“insecure about the decisions she’s made in life”
Maybe that’s where the mummy-guilt comes from. I know, and have to believe, that I do what is best for my whole family as much as I can. I try to put aside those nagging doubts, or when I have them, I actually address them. I don’t feel judged at the playground, because I don’t give a shit what those women think.
Walk tall, and walk past. Sometimes it’s not worth stopping.
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I thought Scarlett O’Hara was a complete bitch but I still loved Gone With The Wind …
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I don’t have kids but work in a male dominated environment so related in that respect. I liked that part about how men in the workplace can have pics up of their kids and it is endearing, but for women to do the same, it’s a sign of weakness.
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I’m surprised by how many people were pissed off by Kate. I loved her, but maybe that says something about me?! I haven’t read this book for a few years, but when I first did it REALLY resonated. I didn’t find Kate to be hard or stupid or selfish- I just found her to be someone who was caught between two things she desperately loved, her work and her family, and doing her best to hang onto both of them. I’ve never understood the saying “She wanted to have her cake and eat it too”- well, what the heck is the cake for, if not to eat? Decoration?
I’m not trying to provoke arguements on women’s roles or choices… but I guess as someone else who was passionately in love with, and to some extent defined, enlarged, enriched by their work, I empathised with Kate’s struggle. I loved how real she was- that she wasn’t the “doing it all” superwoman we see in the media, that she was desperately tired and worried at times, though at others soaring from what she achieved. And I hated the ending- that she stepped down from that job she loved- but it was realistic too, and in that I think Pearson did us all a service.
Great discussion of the book, Mia and paula. I really enjoyed this.
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“I’ve never understood the saying “She wanted to have her cake and eat it too”- well, what the heck is the cake for, if not to eat? Decoration?”
Love it!
I liked Kate as well, and sympathised with her, though she did seem a tad obsessive. I liked that she wasn’t ashamed about liking designer clothes and hotels and room service – demanding careers do come with perks! I met far worse members of the Muffia in real life, so I didn’t think they were too bad (secretly jealous of Kate’s power and freedom, I think?)
I HATED that she gave up her job too…
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To have your cake and eat it too.
The point of this saying is that it is impossible. Once you have eaten the cake, you no longer have the cake.
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The original saying is “To eat your cake and have it too” which over time has become “Have your cake and eat it”…either way does work as you’ve pointed out above (once you’ve eaten it you no longer have it) but the original saying is much clearer.
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*spoiler alert*
The thing I found really interesting about this book was the ending. This is the reason that there are so few women in hugely high powered jobs. The only way forward and keep your sanity is to opt out and find an alternative career passion. All the legislation in the world can’t change that, can it?
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it’s so true Allison.. and something for which no one seems to have an answer ..
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