A law firm has drafted an employment contract for mums. DO NOT SIGN.

Dear Mothers,

We have reviewed your employment contract for Mothers’ Day and have found that it does not meet the National Employment Standards.

Your normal hours of work (24 hours a day, 7 days a week) are well above the maximum weekly hours. Working on weekends, public holidays and wake-up calls in the middle of the night can be considered unreasonable, especially since you receive no penalty rates, no loading and no leave. In fact, it appears as though your children (Employer) require a weekly salary from you in the form of pocket money.

It has come to our attention that bathroom breaks are not permitted unless they are a group activity. The list of duties also seems excessive, including CEO of the family unit; personal shopper; chauffer; counsellor; stylist; homework tutor; daily court appearances as sibling arbitrator; and blanket fort engineer. While unquestionably necessary for the role, we would query the physical ability of a person to grow additional bodily appendages, more specifically ‘eyes in the back of her head’.

Deference to the Employer’s definitive wisdom across all subject matters would appear to be an imbalance of power. Additionally, the Fair Work Act does not recognise tantrum-based dispute resolution procedures.

However, the annual incentives of breakfast in bed and a hand-painted coffee mug or picture frame on Mothers’ Day hold immeasurable value. Your total fixed remuneration of the priceless love of your children is sufficient to know that you would not trade a single sleep-deprived moment for the world.

Happy Mothers’ Day to all the hard-working mums.

You can review the contract here:

MOTHERS’ DAY EMPLOYMENT AGREEMENT

Drafted by Slater and Gordon Lawyers

BETWEEN:

Each and every child (Employer) - and –

Their loving and caring mothers (Employee)

NOW THIS AGREEMENT PROVIDES AS FOLLOWS:

1   TERM AND EMPLOYMENT STATUS

1.1  The Employee agrees to be employed on a full time basis as a Mother on the terms and conditions contained in this Agreement.

1.2  This Employment Agreement is made on the date of birth of the employer (Commencement Date) and shall continue for both of your lifetimes.

1.3  Redundancy is not available – your role will never be redundant.

2   HOURS OF WORK

2.1 The Employee’s normal hours of work will be 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including weekends, public holidays and wake-up calls in the middle of the night.

2.2 Bathroom breaks are not permitted. The Employee’s shower and toilet time will henceforth become group activities.

2.3 The Employer may require the Employee to work unreasonable additional hours to meet operational requirements and ensure his or her needs are met.

3   DUTIES

3.1 The Employee must diligently perform the following roles simultaneously with little to no training (note: this list is not exhaustive and is subject to change with no notice):

a. CEO of the family unit, in conjunction with other parents.

b. Personal shopper for food, clothing and any other item that is demanded at short notice with nil regard to product availability or the household budget.

c. Daily court appearances for arbitration of sibling disputes.

d. Handling of contaminated materials, usually involving malodorous and potentially toxic bodily fluids.

e. Professional chauffer and navigator. No directions will be provided.

f. Counsellor, teacher, day care provider, stylist, housekeeper, homework tutor, sports coach, personal chef, playdate co-ordinator and blanket fort engineer

3.2 The Employee will also be required to grow additional bodily appendages, specifically eyes in the back of her head.

4   POLICIES

4.1 The Employee agrees to comply with all obligations under the following policies:

a. Deference to the Employer’s definitive wisdom across all subject matters.

b. Non-consumption of vegetables without a tantrum.

c. The ‘But Why’ Policy, which requires the Employee to answer never-ending sequences of questions with no apparent relevance.

5   LEAVE

5.1 The Employee is entitled to the following leave:

a. None.

b. The Employee is required to remain on call even when the Employer is attending other events or functions, including school, sleepovers or parties.

c. The Employer may direct the Employee to ‘shut up and leave them alone forever’, however the Employee is required to continue performing her duties.

6   DISPUTE RESOLUTION

6.1 If any question, difference or dispute arises between the parties, the Employer reserves his or her right to throw a tantrum and refuse to acknowledge the Employee’s point of view or logical reasoning.

6.2 If a resolution is reached, it will be entirely at the discretion of the Employer with no input from the Employee permitted.

7   REMUNERATION

7.1 The Employee shall be entitled to the gross Total Fixed Remuneration as follows:

Base salary: None.

Entitlements: No penalty rates. No loading. No leave. In fact, the Employer will require a weekly salary from you in the form of pocket money.

Annual incentive: Breakfast in bed and a hand-painted coffee mug or picture frame every year on Mothers’ Day.

Total Fixed Remuneration: The priceless love of your children and the knowledge that you would not trade a single sleepdeprived moment for the world.

Rachel Cosentino is a mum and employment lawyer from Slater and Gordon.

Listen: The mum who hands out $100 bills for jobs.