by EM RUSCIANO
I am mortified.
I don’t quite know what to do at this point.
I have anxiety sweat coming from any place on my body that is in possession of a gland.
I have found myself in a situation that no mother of two should ever be in. I mean who the heck do I think I am?
Not only did I break my own rules, I have potentially scarred my children and anyone with eyes for a very long time.
Last night I attended a function: it was a tres posh affair at Melbourne’s Crown Casino to officially launch the Spring Racing Carnival.
I rushed home after finishing the radio show and quickly began doing all the things I needed to do post-school and pre-dinner. I harassed the girls for their lunch boxes, I put a load of washing on, did some food shopping and helped with homework. I then threw myself in the shower and surveyed my floor-drobe for a “cocktail” outfit..
I managed to dig out a black dress that had minimal staining and whacked it on. I almost gave up on clean underwear but managed to fling on a black g-string that was, by some miracle, clean.
I also had a stand-up gig after this function so I smashed my leotard, feather tail, cape, heels, fog machine and false eyelashes in my car. Mummy was stressed, busy and late.
I did my make-up on the way and got there only 5 minutes late. Dave Thornton was waiting for me, looking most dapper in a suit and for the first time that day I exhaled and looked forward to a glass of champagne.
When you arrive at these functions, you walk a red carpet and have photos taken. Dave and I did just that, I had my Megan Gale arm on and sucked everything I owned in.
After the photos we walked into the room and had a lovely time.
Little did I know what I had done, and the far-reaching consequences of that red carpet walk.
This morning at work I received an email from my friend Jodi – who is the Media relations manager for Crown. It was a couple of photos from the red carpet of Dave and I.
I opened them and DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN BABY JESUS WEPT – NIPPLES!
Mummy’s dress was COMPLETELY see through. It was jugs o’clock and I was the head time keeper.
Because I didn’t have a clean bra available and because my breasts barely exist I just assumed I’d be OK because my dress was black and of a decent structure.
OR SO I THOUGHT!
I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. I went with a combo of both.
These photos have been sent to every major newspaper, magazine and website in the country. I can only hope that my z-list celebrity status saves me and because no-one really cares about what I do, they will be overlooked.
Keep in mind I have breastfed two children. Keep in mind I am 33. Keep in mind my nipples resemble fighter pilot’s thumbs and my breasts – sad pockets of flesh. It’s just not a good look.
I could have gone two ways with this: ignore it and hope no-one notices the offending nipples, or own it. I have gone with taking responsibility and throwing myself to the mercy of you all.
I need you all on side. Be vigilant. If you see my nipples anywhere go in fighting for them. I’m calling you all to arms my sisters and brothers.
Rusciano needs you.
I am truly embarrassed.
It serves me right for leaving the house without a decent foundation garment on. I am well aware that earlier this week I wrote a post on how to keep it nice at the races and have not keep it ‘nice’ at a races function. Idiot.
Our sister site iVillage.com.au has got a gallery of the most embarrassing celebrity malfunctions, which you can see here. Plus, if you’re experiencing your own wardrobe malfunction – here’s how to fix it.
Meanwhile, here are some of our favourite pics of Em’s fashion – sans wardrobe malfunction.
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Em Rusciano is the host of Mamamia Today on Austereo (which you should be tuning into at 3pm every weekday on the Today Network) and regularly appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’. You should follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here. You can listen to podcasts of Mamamia today here.
Have you ever experienced a terrible wardrobe malfunction?