I ate a lizard when I was a toddler. Or was it a cockroach? Let's say it was a lizard, way less gross. Whatever it was, it didn't do me any harm. I can't remember the last time I went to the doctor. (I think it was when I grew a unicorn horn on my head – my youngest's diagnosis, it turned out to be psoriasis. Again, I like the first explanation better.)
So I'm a tad underwhelmed by strict new National Health and Medical Research Council guidelines banning children from blowing out the candles on their birthday cakes and requiring them to use hand sanitiser before and after playing in sandpits at childcare centres.
"Children love to blow out their candles while their friends are singing 'Happy birthday'," the document says.
"To prevent the spread of germs when the child blows out the candles, parents should either provide a separate cupcake, with a candle if they wish, for the birthday child and (either) enough cupcakes for all the other children … (or) a large cake that can be cut and shared."
AMA president Steve Hambleton has blasted the guidelines as being too germ-phobic.
"Just wash your hands before you eat," he says. "It's normal and healthy to be exposed to a certain amount of environmental antigens that build up our immune systems. If you live in a plastic bubble you're going to get infections (later in life) that you can't handle."
I'm with Steve. When my daughter was 10 months old, sand was her favourite food. She shovelled handfuls of the stuff into her mouth whenever she got the chance. If I'd rubbed hand sanitiser all over her every time I'd be bankrupt.